Season 1: Episode Eight
In This Episode
Michael: Hello once again everyone welcome back to “Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones.” I’m Michael Paul Smith.
Ted: I am Ted O’Gorman.
Michael: This is our eighth episode! You guys, we’re almost two thirds of the way through.
Ted: It would be two thirds of the way through, right?
Michael: Yeah but by the time this episode’s over, it’ll be two thirds of the way through.
Ted: Oh, I see what you’re...almost. Ok.
Michael: But now we’re almost two thirds of the way through.
Michael: Yeah. Great banter.
Ted: Now we’ve just made these people wait longer.
Michael: Yeah. Listen to this.
V.O: Jason Bateman stars as a guy whose family is hellbent on a get-rich-quick scheme.
JB: Hey guys...guys...guys...we’re not manufacturing knock-off goose down pillows. Ok? Guys?
V.O: But THEN, the MOB wants in.
JB: Hey guys...guys...we’re not gonna let...our knock off goose-downs be used for laundering racketeering profits. Ok? Chief?
MOB GUY: Just remember. I own a butcher shop. And I know how to use a deli slicer.
JB: Hey guys...guys...my hands are here. Ok?
V.O: So he’s gotta get his old college friends back together, to team up with his family, to run the mob out of town...by SEA.
JB: Hey guys...guys...guys...we’re not...using our unsold fraudulent goose down pillows...to fashion an enormous sail raft...to relocate our business to an uninhabited island...where the mob’s gonna follow us...right into a trap set by the FBI. Ok? Not...guys, that’s gonna happen.
V.O: Jason Bateman isn’t having it. Zack Galifianakis is his disheveled friend.
JB: You can’t live-tweet this, Spencer! And run a comb through your hair! Ok, buddy? Pal?
V.O: GUYS. This Friday in theatres everywhere.
JB: I don’t speak Venezuelan. Ok? Buddy?
“Shower With Mike 4”
V.O: Alright listeners. It’s that time once more. Head to the dimmer switch and lower those lights. Light your candles, lay back in your favorite chair. It’s time...to shower with Mike.
I’m gonna get my shave on now. You sit tight. Don’t worry. It’s just my face. I just picked up this little mirror with suction cups at the dollar store. Excuse me, let me just...sorry. This mirror keeps fogging up on me. I guess that’s why they have them at the dollar store.
*A knock is heard on the door.*
Wilguens: Michael! Mike!
Michael: That’s my super, Wilguens.
Wilguens: Michael, it’s me! It’s Wilguens!
Michael: Shhh. Act like you’re not here. (Pause) I know the shower’s on. Maybe he’ll think I left it running and went to work. He’s probably gonna ask me if I texted him yesterday about my fridge.
Michael: Which I did. But come on, man. You know?
Wilguens: Michael! You text me ‘bout that fridgeratae, ok?
Michael: The steam feels nice. Clears my sinuses.
Wilguens: Every damn time I come down here (*shouts more in Creole*)...
Michael: He’ll give up soon enough.
Wilguens: (*More shouting in Creole*) Michael! Open the door. I got to fix the fridge!
Michael: The drain’s pretty clogged. It’s not my hair. Don’t worry about whose it is.
Wilguens: Everytime you take a shower! Everytime I come! What’s, what’s wrong about you, eh? What’s your problem?
Michael: The fridge is like...five degrees off, it’s not a big deal, really. It makes ice, just not as quickly as I’d like.
Wilguens: (*More shouting in Creole*) Open the door!
Michael: (Whispering) It’s fine I’ll just text him tomorrow.
Wilguens: You want me to fix the fridge, or no?
Michael: You know, Benjamin Franklin didn’t invent electricity. A lot of people think he did. Just a fun fact.
Wilguens: Alright man, I’m going. I have things to do. Ok?
Michael: Where were we? Oh yeah. It’s your turn to get sudsey.
V.O: This has been another installment of shower with Mike.
“Sam Elliott Punch Out”
Sam Elliott: Hey folks, this is Sam Elliott. I was recently in a movie directed by Bradley Cooper called “A Star Is Born.” It featured me and Lady Gaga. And I hope to see it, but for now you can listen to me as I play the classic Nintendo game, Punch Out.
Sam Elliott: This Glass Joe fella. Well, he doesn’t block anything. Then of course, he’s a Frenchman so I can’t say I’m surprised. You want someone to pick out a fine wine, go with a Frenchman. If you want someone to dole out some punishment, well then you put Sam Elliott behind the controls of Little Mac.
Sam Elliott: Just have to stun old Don Flamenco once, and then it’s, “Adios.”
Sam Elliott: Gimme just one chance, King Hippo. Raise that arm above your head. Look at that. I got one of them stars. Bingo. Here comes the gut-rattle.
Sam Elliott: Bald Bull. Sure, he crouches down. But that means you can telegraph his next move. You know what’s comin’. Just get ready for it, Little Mac. (Pause) That Bald Bull really packs a wallop.
*A kid is heard occasionally shouting through a gag in the background.*
Antuan: Listen carefully because I’m only going to say this once.
Father: (On the phone) Who is this?
Antuan: Leave 500,000 in unmarked non-consecutive twenties under the Ralph Kramden statue in Port Authority at exactly midnight tonight.
Father: (On the phone) Why are you doing this?
Antuan: If the money arrives at 12:01, I will send you your son’s head.
Father: (On the phone) NO!
Antuan: If anyone else touches the money, I will send you your son’s head.
Father: (On the phone) Please!
Antuan: If a single police officer is notified, I will send you your son’s head.
Father: (On the phone) Oh God!
Antuan: If the bills are marked in anyway, or if my associates see a single thing that they don’t like, what’s gonna happen…
Father: (On the phone) You’re gonna send my son’s head?
Antuan: That’s right. I’m gonna send you your son’s head. Midnight tonight.
*The victim tries to call out through his gag as the Antuan hangs up.*
Antuan: (To the victim) I know what you’re thinking. That that was super harsh. I’ve seen you sitting there all day. Watching, judging. It’s so easy to have all the answers when you’re in a comfortable folding chair with a top-of-the-line ball gag in your mouth. You think I asked for this? I didn’t ask for this. You don’t come out of the womb wanting to be a kidnapper. I wanted to be a political cartoonist. Maybe a park ranger, or a marine biologist….
*Sound of door opening is heard. *
Antuan: (Cont.) ...or a motivational speaker, or a personal shopper...something like that.
Caleb: Issue yourself a check from that, out of the ransom. And then you put that in a self-employment pension. It’s better than a ROTH IRA in terms of what your taxable is.
Caleb: Sometimes I think I should’ve just been an accountant.
Pauly: Yeah, I should be taking notes.
Caleb: (To Antuan) They didn’t have any Snickers so I got you a 3 musketeers. Also the only milk was whole, so if you’re worried about the calories I don’t want to hear it. Water it down. Now, how’s our little paycheck been behaving?
Antuan: Um, he’s been ok.
Caleb: Did you make the call?
Antuan: Yes, I made the call. Hey, Caleb, do you think we’re doing the right thing?
Caleb: Are you fucking kidding me using my name in front of the kid? I swear to god, if you weren’t integral to this operation I’d have left you in college where I found you. If not for me, you’d still be sitting in a dorm room studying 19th century french poetry, and getting stupid coeds to sleep with you by whispering a little Gerard de Nerval into their ears. “Not on my watch” I said. And you’re welcome. Where’s my thank you?
Caleb: That’s better. I guess all we have to do now is wait for midnight and collect our retirement fund.
Pauly: That’s enough. Lay off. Listen Antuan…
Caleb: NO NAMES!
Pauly: It’s fine. The kid’s not gonna talk. Are you kid?
*Victim desperately shouts “No!” through the gag*
Pauly: I didn’t think so. Antuan, I know you get discouraged from time to time, but the bottom line is this. You have a gift. It’s a calling. You’re not a kidnapper because you have to be, or even because you want to be. You’re a kidnapper because you were born with the creepiest kidnapper voice any of us have ever heard. You make Boris Karloff sound like Richard fucking Simmons. Gerard de Nerval had a way with words. He had to write poetry.
Pauly: And YOU have away with...finding an octave far below the lowest baritone key there is. If it weren’t for you, there’s no way we could’ve pulled off this many successful ‘naps. Caleb and I would still be high-jacking Crown Vics and hoping for the best. Choppin’ ‘em up, and selling them for beer money.
Caleb: God, I miss grammar school.
Antuan: Thanks, Pauly. That means a lot.
Pauly: Anytime, bud. I love you.
Caleb: Jesus Christ! Are we done with this Sex and the City emotional shit!? Which one of you’s a fuckin’ Cassandra, which one of you’s a fuckin’ Carrie? I don’t know.
Pauly: Well you’re the Samantha. That’s for sure.
Caleb: I don’t know what a Samantha is. I’ve never seen the show!
Pauly: You just do whatever comes natural.
Antuan: (Chuckling) That’s our Caleb.
Caleb: Say my name again! Say my name again. I dare you. I double dare you. Motherfucker!
Antuan: Put the gun down, Caleb.
Caleb: Goddamn it, Antuan!
Pauly: Give it to me. Give it to me! Give it...
*The gun goes off and the victim falls silent.*
Caleb: Yeah I was gonna try and tell you I didn’t have the safety on when you...reached for...
Antuan: Caleb. You are so impulsive! What is wrong with you?
Caleb: Antuan, I have my buttons. And you know this.
Pauly: Should we collect the money, anyway?
Antuan: Yeah, they’re probably already on their way. I don’t wanna cancel on them this late. You know?
Caleb: Hey guys, this might not be the right time, but...can I still send them the head?
Pauly: I don’t see why that’s necessary.
Caleb: Cause it’s fun!
Pauly: I guess the head is...it’s something.
Pauly: I always liked the look on the parents’ faces when we return the kids. One of my favorite parts of the job.
Caleb: Yeah, I mean second to getting the money.
Caleb: The money’s kinda number one.
Pauly: So this is really kind of a...a little bit of a bust.
Caleb: God, yeah. Last three have gone this way. The amount of money I’ve spent on carpets in this rackets...you know you guys didn’t get me back for the last two carpets.
Pauly: I told you to buy in bulk. You keep going to Bed Bath and Beyond…
Caleb: Oh yeah, buying carpets in bulk doesn’t send a signal to the feds. I’m paying on my credit card!
Pauly: Just go get it.
Caleb: Oh, ok. I’LL get the carpet. Cause I shot the kid. Cause I brought a gun. I’m the only one doing any thinking here, one of you guys can get the goddamned carpet.
Michael: Well that escalated pretty quickly.
Ted: That got real dark towards the end.
Michael: Shoutout to Mike O’Gorman, who played the kidnapper in that sketch.
Ted: Who found out years ago he can naturally…sorry for that.
Michael: Yeah, you whistled right through your teeth there. Like a beaver.
Ted: Sorry for that, Gillian.
Gillian: I’ll keep it all in.
Ted: Found out years ago he can naturally do that with his own voice. He does not need an after-effect filter, or a Final Cut filter, or anything like that.
Michael: Those filters exist, but we don’t need ‘em.
Ted: Not where Mike is concerned, no. He’s got that freakishly low voice just locked in his head ready to go.
Michael: And is he a professional kidnapper.
Michael: So that’s just a side gig. Everybody needs a side hustle.
Ted: Well in fairness, I think you need to have four kidnaps before you can become professional, and he didn’t get to finish his fourth.
Michael: Oh, didn’t get to go pro.
Michael: TedI have a dedication for this episode. I’d like to dedicate this episode to your dad, because he enabled you to maintain your virtue for a good long time by always walking downstairs in his underwear whenever you found yourself in a compromising position with a young lady. It was your house, Mr. OG. Keep it comfortable.
Ted: Were you there?
MPS: At the time? No.
Ted: Feels like you were.
MPS: Well, I’m a bit of a writer. Ted, do you have a dedication?
Ted: Today’s episode is also brought to you by the guy who once cursed at me in traffic, forcing me to flick a lit cigarette into his car. I hope it was worth it to you to have a cigarette burn into your upholstery. You’re a spoiled little twerp and your actions have consequences. Hopefully you’ve learned a lesson. Or, you’re dead. I truly don’t care either way. Thanks for listening, everyone!
MPS: Still holdin’ onto that, are ya, pal?
Ted: Just a little.
JB: Let’s all try to be team players here, ok? Champs? Buddies? Champion buddies?
WIFE: Brandon, will you listen to me and your old college pals? Especially the disheveled one who hasn’t really made anything of himself, whose savant-like intellect is exactly what we happen to need at this particular moment.
---Sam Elliott Punch Out---
Sam Elliott: Hey Don Flamenco, when you pick yourself up off the mat, why don’t you go back ‘ol Mexico way?
Michael: Don Flamenco’s from Spain.
Sam Elliott: Don Flamenco, tell your family in Madrid I said hello when you disembark the plane on your way back from your loss to me--Sam Elliott.
Pauly: That’s enough. Lay off.
Caleb: NO NAMES!
Michael: I didn’t say the name yet.
Pauly: I kinda like the gloomy weather, I don’t know, it’s...there’s somethin’ about it.
Caleb: I wish it were a little bit colder, if we had some snow we could have a little more coverage, we could...you know, ship this kid outta here piece by piece.
Pauly: It’s true. It’s good looting, too. It’s…
Caleb: It is good looting when it’s like this, yeah.
Pauly: If it’s blizzard conditions you just, you know, toss a garbage can through the window.
Caleb: Well you know an old lady’s gonna hunker down and have her...you know (breaks character) I don’t know where that was goin’.
Caleb: In season five, “Friends” just kind of fell apart for me. The “will they/won’t they” kinda thing can only sustain you for so long. It’s the same as “Cheers.” Once Diane left, I didn’t believe Kirstie Alley was a match for Sam. It just falls off after a while.
Pauly: What about that Ross and Rachel break? You didn’t find that that added a new level of intrigue?
Caleb: I think that that was before the end of season five, wasn’t it?
Pauly: Oh yeah. It was around there though.
Caleb: Yeah. That’s what I’m saying. That’s when it was freshest. All I’m saying is manage your exit. No when you’ve done enough.
Caleb: Alright all we gotta do now is wait ‘til midnight and little piss-pants here is gonna get his parents to pay us for, uh kidnapping him. Isn’t that right, you little fucktard?
Pauly: That’s not really how it works. They pay us for giving him back. They don’t pay us for the service of kidnapping him.
Pauly: It’s fine! The kid’s not gonna talk, are you kid?
Caleb: Especially after I take out his tongue with these shears.
Pauly: Yeah, you’re not gonna talk tongue-less. Plus you know we know where to find you. Come on. He’s fine. He’s...we’re all friends here.
Gillian: Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones was written by Michael Paul Smith and Ted O’Gorman, with some room for improvisation because this is a comedy podcast guys. We’re not tied to the page. The podcast was produced by me, Gillian Pensavalle, and edited by me and Michael Paul Smith. You can subscribe everywhere you get your podcasts, and we’d really really appreciate it if you rate and review us on apple podcasts. Those reviews help a lot, and to be honest, you don’t wanna be on Ted’s bad side. Follow the guys on twitter @tedandmichael; individually @tedogorman, @mpsmithnyc, and use the hashtag #tedandmichael on all the things. For love notes and hate mail, use firstname.lastname@example.org. Visit www.tedandmichael.com for episodes and full credits, including voice over actors and music tracks.
Thanks again for listening. Stay weird, friends.
Jason Bateman stars in a new, very Jason Bateman, movie.
Michael takes us all on another sexy journey… into the shower… with him. So… sexy? You be the judge.
Sam Elliott plays the classic Nintendo game Punch Out.
A kidnapper questions his career choice.