This transcript was generated by AI and is most likely not entirely accurate.

Speaker 1: Hello. Testing, testing. One, two, three. Hello. Welcome, everyone, to the Professor Birthday podcast. I am your fabulous host, Professor Birthday, and this is our very first episode. Are you excited, Fritz?

Speaker 2: Hi, Professor Birthday. Yes, it's me, Professor Birthday's assistant, Fritz. But, Professor Birthday, we recorded our first episode last week, remember? This is the first episode where I feel committed to making a podcast. I just think it might confuse people to call this the first episode.

Speaker 1: Okay. Let's launch episode one of our podcast with something positive. When we recorded last week, let's call that episode zero. I was upset. You had just learned that you are a completely unknown holiday character.

Speaker 2: All right. Let's not rehash it. It's time for the people to learn who I am. And about all of us at Birthday University.

Speaker 1: Exactly. All of my wonderful students, including Fritz, who toil away with me to make every aspect of birthdays fantastical. We handle it all here in-house. Cake baking, decorating, entertaining, greeting cards, growing older, gift-giving, and wish-making. My favorite. Every time you have a birthday and blow out the candles on your cake, that is one chance for a wish.

Speaker 2: Now, of course, there are plenty of ways to make wishes, but they're not all the same. A wish in a well is good and is swell if you've money to burn. Because a penny's no joke. You could go broke spending all that you earn. But birthday wishes are free. Birthday wishes are granted by me. Birthday wishes give you the best return. A shooting star has come from so far to grant you its spark. But if you want the wish, then you gotta go fish through the sky in the dark. Birthday wishes are here. Birthday wishes come every year. Birthday wishes, they always hit their mark.

Speaker 1: If you wanna be rude and play with your food, you can break the wishbone. But you gotta get lucky. Plus, I think it's yucky, and you can't do it alone. Birthday wishes are yours. Birthday wishes don't come with chores. Birthday wishes are wishes you get to own. Birthday wishes are wishes you get to own. Oh, I love those birthday wishes. I wish I could hear them. You know why?

Speaker 2: I do. Because kids believe if you say birthday wishes out loud, they won't come true. Now, why do they think that?

Speaker 1: I don't know, but we need to get them somehow.

Speaker 2: And we do, Fritz. Yes, let me introduce our guest for today's episode. We're lucky to have a leading member of the Birthday University faculty with us today. I'm happy to introduce Joe Winklestein, the chief scientist in charge of the Birthday Wish Mind Reading Machine.

Speaker 3: Hi! Good to be here with you today.

Speaker 1: Mm-hmm. Welcome, Joe. How long have you been chief scientist on the Birthday Wish Mind Reading Machine?

Speaker 3: Today is day nine.

Speaker 1: Oh, reaching the end of your tenure. Congrats on a successful run. I'm looking forward to retiring tomorrow. The Birthday Wish Mind Reading Machine is our method of gathering birthday wishes, as I'm sure you guessed.

Speaker 3: Let me assure you that when we read your minds, we do so respectfully. The machine is only on for a brief period, from the moment you take a breath over your cake to the moment you blow out your candles. All we want is the wish.

Speaker 1: Yes, the wish is all we're looking for. But the human mind is not a single track, so the operators of our mind reading machine end up hearing some subconscious thoughts. You get the feelings they have about their cousin or the sensation of trying to hold in their pee. Just about anything going through their head.

Speaker 3: Yes, and so we rotate people on and off the machine every 10 days. It is a brain scrambler! And you are holding up beautifully, Joe. We go through so much to get those wishes.

Speaker 1: But we love it. We sure do. So I thought that we could give the listeners a taste of the Birthday Wish Mind Reading Machine in action. What do you say, Joe?

Speaker 3: Yes, I've got it all set up in my booth. Let me just connect here, and we'll get started real soon.

Speaker 1: Okay, we're going to give Joe a minute to get it all set up, and when we come back, we'll have the Birthday Wish Mind Reading Machine.

Speaker 2: Okay, we're back at Birthday University Podcast Studios, and we're about to hear, for the first time ever on a podcast, actual birthday wishes live as they are being wished in the minds of children.

Speaker 1: Oh, it's exciting. I can't wait to hear those wishes. Joe, are we ready?

Speaker 3: Yes, Professor Birthday. I've got it all set up right now. I'm going to turn on the machine. I'm going to turn on the machine. Here come the wishes.

Speaker 1: Oh, Joe. Oh, oh. No, too many voices at once, Joe. Shut it off. You've got to shut it off, Joe.

Speaker 3: Oh, sorry about that. I had it on the main channel. Let me narrow it down here to a single stream.

Speaker 2: Okay. This is a little boy named Jake, and he's right about to take a breath over his birthday cake.

Speaker 3: Ew, my butt hurts. My butt's sticky. My butt. I wish for a baby brother. I wish for a baby brother. I really wish for a baby brother.

Speaker 1: Okay, candles out. There were a lot of subconscious thoughts about his butt in that one, Joe.

Speaker 3: Yes, very typical of wishes. And the wish, that's not a very good example for the podcast. He wished for a little brother. We don't grant that sort of wish.

Speaker 1: No, we don't. Now, for our listeners, it's not that we don't care about this little boy's wish. It's just out of our scope. We don't do family planning at Birthday University. We celebrate birthdays. We don't cause women to give birth. Give me a different wish.

Speaker 3: Okay. We've got one coming in here from a young lady named Lilia, turning 10. She's taking a breath. Braces. Raw braces. I wish to be cast as the lead in the school musical. Scrapey braces.

Speaker 1: Candles out. I really don't like the braces ones. The lead in the musical? We don't do that.

Speaker 3: Yeah, that's not something we would grant. Again, for the people listening at home, yeah, it's not that we don't care. But we need to ask ourselves, is she a good actor? Can she sing? I am not going to ruin the school play just because some random girl wants to be the lead. Ugh, this is embarrassing. Give me a wish I can grant.

Speaker 1: Okay, okay. Eight-year-old girl named Annabelle. Taking a breath. I'm farting. I'm farting. I'm farting.

Speaker 3: Okay, okay, get to the wish. I wish my parents wouldn't fight.

Speaker 1: Candles out. Oh, my God. I am not a marriage counselor. All of these wishes are straight disqualifications. How could this happen?

Speaker 3: Professor Birthday, these are typical wishes. They're ungrantable, and I grant tons of birthday wishes.

Speaker 1: Yes, but percentage-wise, if you look at birthday wishes granted compared to other wish types, they're low. I have reports. Let me see those. Santa Beats Us on Christmas Wishes? Oh, look at this. The most common Christmas wishes. People wish for toys, video games, and clothing. That's why he's beating us. People aren't wishing that Santa would fundamentally alter their lives.

Speaker 3: Well, people wish big on their birthdays because they already have all the presents in the room. But birthday wishes can't do the stuff these kids are asking for. If you see Santa at the mall and you ask him for a T-Rex doll, you're gonna get it because that's something small. But if your wish is too complex like a real Tyrannosaurus Rex, you won't get it because that's not small at all.

Speaker 1: So help me help you in a little way, just a little way. I grant you the wish you make, but give me a break. Your wishes are all blessed, but hey, the wishes that work best are made in a little way, just a little way, a little way. You want to be a millionaire? Don't wish for gold out from thin air. Don't you get it? That's not that small. You'll be rich in a couple days. Just wish to find a job that pays.

Speaker 3: Now you get it. Now you're thinking small. So help me help you in a little way, just a little way. Help me grant you the wish you make, but give me a break. Your wishes are all blessed, but hey, the wishes that work best are made in a little way, just a little way, just a little way, a little way.

Speaker 1: Folks at home, now you know. Just make wishes I can grant and I will gladly do it.

Speaker 2: Oh, but I feel bad throwing away the wishes you asked. Do you want to grant them?

Speaker 1: No, I'm not making a baby, Joe. I'm going to help them make new wishes, wishes that I can actually grant.

Speaker 3: The mind reading machine. It's a two-way device, right?

Speaker 1: You mean use it to put thoughts in their heads?

Speaker 3: No, no. Well, yes? We can try.

Speaker 1: Okay, lovely. Let's start with the boy who wants a baby brother.

Speaker 3: Okay, power on. Mine found. I'm opening up two-way communication and we're live.

Speaker 2: Scratching my butt, scratching my butt, scratching my butt.

Speaker 1: Stop scratching your butt. This is Professor Birthday.

Speaker 2: Hello, I'm in your head.

Speaker 3: Stop it, Byte. I'm getting a little mental instability in the reading, Professor. Just act like you're a normal thought.

Speaker 1: No. This is not Professor Birthday. This is what's his name?

Speaker 2: Jake. This is Jake, talking to myself. Just like a normal thought. As Jake, I, Jake, am going to make a different birthday wish.

Speaker 1: Different birthday wish.

Speaker 2: That's right. Instead of wishing for a baby brother, I, Jake, wish for a dog. I wish for a dog.

Speaker 3: Yes! Or, if my parents won't let me have a dog, because I understand that's a huge responsibility that a child isn't necessarily going to be good at, maybe a fish or something.

Speaker 1: But, you know what? We're going to try and get a dog for you, Jake. We're going to try to get a dog for you.

Speaker 2: Who's saying that?

Speaker 3: All right. That was progress, right? That was good. Take me to the next kid.

Speaker 1: Okay, we're back on the ten-year-old girl, Lilia. Going two-way right now.

Speaker 2: Holding in my pee, braces tight.

Speaker 1: My God, you listened to this all day?

Speaker 2: Uh-huh. You guys are heroes. Hi, it's me, Lilia, here. And I, Lilia, just had a thought. If I want to be the lead in a musical, I should really be wishing for some voice lessons.

Speaker 1: Ah! I wish for voice lessons.

Speaker 2: Yes! That was a great wish.

Speaker 1: Oh, and remember, there's nothing wrong with being in the chorus.

Speaker 3: Okay, shut it off. That was great. God, I should get a Tony.

Speaker 2: Do you think she'll get the lead?

Speaker 1: You know what? To be honest, the lessons are going to help. So often, casting, so much of it comes down to look or type, and really, acting kind of gets pushed to the side. Anyway, I digress. Last kid, let's go.

Speaker 3: All right, this is Annabelle, eight-year-old girl, connecting now.

Speaker 2: Why won't my parents stop fighting? It's me, uh, Annabelle. Uh, listen, I... I need to poop.

Speaker 1: Yes, we do, but also, I'm very sorry that I'm feeling so bad on my birthday. They always do this. I'm picking my nose.

Speaker 2: All right, just listen. I'm a kid, and there's a lot about life I have no control over, and it's not fair. I know I can't force my parents into getting along. I know, but I just wish they wouldn't argue on my birthday.

Speaker 1: Oh, okay. That's a wish. That is a wish we can work with. I, Annabelle, wish for both of my parents to be unable to argue on my birthday because they will be struck with a temporary voice-canceling cold.

Speaker 2: Yeah, I wish my parents had a cold.

Speaker 1: Okay, great. Now, let's go wash our hands and get all those germs off. Enjoy the rest of the party. Maybe eat a couple vegetables and stay hydrated and be empathetic and make new friends.

Speaker 3: God, this is exhausting.

Speaker 1: All right, that's something. I made some progress. I mean, her parents can't argue, at least for the day, for her birthday. That was a good solution, Professor Birthday.

Speaker 3: Thank you. You know, I hope. I just, I don't claim miracles. I grant wishes, but life can be very unfair, especially I just hope that it means something to people. Remember what I said. Wish for something small, but significant, and I'll do my best. Birthday wishes are special. You help me make them special. So, next time you make your wish, remember...

Speaker 1: Birthday wishes are free. Birthday wishes are granted by me. Birthday wishes give you the best return.

Speaker 2: Brian Holden and Joey Richter. Also featuring the growing voice talents of Kian Gillespie Case, Lily Ingardona, and Stella Ingardona. No relation, just kidding, they're sisters. The podcast was mixed by Tomek Mirnawski. Please write a review, check out our book, and keep listening.