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[0:00] Leah Walsh: Hi, and welcome to The Compass, the podcast documenting the struggles of life as an artist.

[0:05] Leah Walsh: I'm Leah Walsh. Today I'm speaking with Collin Baja. He's a dancer, an actor, a magnetic performer in whatever arena he chooses. And Collin is also someone who really creates community and brings people together with his joyful presence and his outlook on life. We met at Juilliard where he was in the dance division and we taught together in outreach programs. Conversations with Collin always anchor me and I couldn't be happier to have him on the podcast. I hope you enjoy the eighth episode of The Compass.

[0:43] Leah Walsh: Well, thank you very much for coming to talk with me.

[0:46] Collin Baja: Of course you're getting I'm honored.

[0:49] Collin Baja: Truly. I mean we can see where what we end up talking about, but I like to start with just saying a big question of what do you do when you feel yourself going to the dark side.

[1:01] Collin Baja: I caught up. You know, you know the thing. I caught up on all of them.

[1:05] Leah Walsh: Thank you.

[1:06] Collin Baja: I didn't know that Brendan was such a master chef now.

[1:09] Leah Walsh: I know.

[1:09] Collin Baja: It's awesome. It's become a huge thing for him. I mean, I also just love like you can hear it in his voice, the passion behind it of like how much it's like.

[1:16] Leah Walsh: Yeah.

[1:16] Collin Baja: He's a really, if you get to eat the name of his food. I barely get to see the boy, but when I do, it's awesome, and I love that he's got that. Just to start with, what do you do when you feel yourself going to the dark side and you don't want to go there? What are the things that you grab on to?

[1:34] Collin Baja: Well, to be honest, I think first it's really examining what the dark side is for me. Um which varies. And to be perfectly frank, I don't always succeed in not going to the dark side.

[1:48] Leah Walsh: No, of course.

[1:49] Collin Baja: I think that there's a lot of benefit to going to the dark side and examining what's there. But for me, inside of the exploration of self and trying to figure out a way of staying optimistic and healthy and happy and artistic, um, I really had to delve into what it is for me. And for me, it comes with so much expectation, compare and despair, self-judgment, um these crazy standards that we've put for ourselves and the word should, like I should be here by this age, I should be having that, I should have this, why did why do they have it and I don't? I'm doing everything in my power, blah blah. And not that it gets to self-pitying, but it just that to me is the dark side, that that dark spiral that you can just not get out of sometimes.

[2:47] Leah Walsh: Yeah.

[2:48] Collin Baja: Um, which then for me brings up a lot of well, why, right? Like what is that really about? Is it my ego? Is it my ego because I feel like I'm so special that I should be noticed or accomplished more, or this or that? Or so what's what's authentically actually there and what authentically makes me and my life? How do I how do I deem as success? What's my definition of it? Because a lot of the dark side for artists, I feel like, or I'll speak only for me, comes from not feeling like a success enough. Okay, I'm struggling, I'm doing this constant hustle to do something I love and I'm passionate about. But there's no guarantees, and I knew that going into it. But does that make me a success or not? Aren't I already a success because I've trained and because I've worked so hard at it, and because I can do it and because I tried? Most people are too effing scared to ever do that.

[3:53] Leah Walsh: Yeah.

[3:55] Collin Baja: And maybe that's a coping mechanism or something, but for me, that's that's that's what I hold on to is that perspective. Asking those bigger questions of okay, well, what does make me a success? It's not if I'm in my seventh equity job, or if I'm I'm on the TV screen, or if I'm in this hit musical, or whatever. Those are great, cool things. But what actually makes up my life and what deems me a success? Personal relationships, exploring life, taking advantage of life, staying curious, um, maintaining a healthy mind, body, spirit, which sounds very general, but what do I hold on to is that perspective. Those, and I mean it sounds general, but they're also like the cornerstones, like foundational things.

[4:47] Leah Walsh: Yeah, and maybe it's just because I believe in therapy so much and I've done so much of it, but it's at the root of that dark tunnel that we all can go down are those bigger questions. Like, what do you define as success?

[4:58] Collin Baja: Yeah.

[4:59] Leah Walsh: And that changes over time, as well as with maturing and stuff, and well, and it's hard to block out what other people deem as success.

[5:12] Collin Baja: Yeah, and all the pressures you put on yourself. I mean, especially coming from a certain name of a school, for example, Juilliard, or you get a little bit of success, or something, you know, it there's just this constant um feeling or pressure that that needs to continue or only get better, or that's what defines you. That's your identity. And we do that to ourselves. Like, I'm an artist, I'm a creative soul. Okay, but that's my identity. Yes, but it doesn't mean that's the only thing that makes up my personal happiness.

[5:47] Collin Baja: And I'm always gonna be an artist. I'm always gonna be creative. I'm always gonna be that soul, that person. So, okay, some executives over here don't like me, or oh, I can't get this agent, or you know, I'm too tall, or whatever, all these weird things that are totally out of our control. It's it's super hard not to let it get you down. But there's so much more perspective to have as far as like the grander picture of life.

[6:15] Leah Walsh: You are always the one to remind me of that when I forget.

[6:20] Collin Baja: Cool, you brought it back at me too. So thank you.

[6:24] Collin Baja: It's because it's so easy to take what other people think is success.

[6:28] Leah Walsh: Yeah, and what you've allowed to do that.

[6:31] Collin Baja: Yeah. For me, I mean, I can maybe ramble now, but sorry. But for so long, I call it my Superman phase. For so long, I thought success was the more I could do in a day, the more things I could accomplish by noon, the more things I could tackle, the more ways I put myself out there. This, that, grab it, attack, go, Superman mode. And it's really shifted and forced me through a lot of dark tunnels and hard times, especially as of recently, this past like year and a half, to examine that. Checking off a million boxes a day just isn't success. And it isn't it doesn't leave the space for authenticity, if that makes sense.

[7:22] Leah Walsh: Do you know what I mean?

[7:23] Collin Baja: Yeah.

[7:23] Collin Baja: Because you're just you're fighting, you're hustling, you're doing those things, you're checking off all these things, and that doesn't actually bring me personal happiness. That didn't bring me a bunch of joy or more success. If anything, it just tired me out. And yeah, okay, great, it got me some cool stuff, but everything you get can so easy easily be fleeting as well. So what's like substantial? What's the real thing? Okay, just living my life to the fucking fullest. As best as I can. And I think finding finding those like little ways of routine, like you were saying, have it especially like the healthy mind and body part of it. I was thinking yesterday how I really want to make that a goal like the next month, even just carving out the space to like wake up earlier, make sure that I work out every day and like have that healthy routine in my life instead of getting overwhelmed with all of the busyness.

[8:19] Leah Walsh: Right.

[8:20] Collin Baja: And losing those things that actually do like set you up to succeed, and like to have those endorphins running through you that help help your mind stay balanced and too. And not because you should, but because it really honestly makes you feel better and you enjoy it. And that you deserve, you know, a classmate of mine at Juilliard mentioned at some point, she said something about like it seems silly at the time, but like having enough respect for yourself that you don't eat on the subway.

[8:48] Leah Walsh: Yeah, fair.

[8:49] Collin Baja: Which I do a lot. And we all have to, 'cause half the time that's our commute is our lunch hours. But also like claiming the time for yourself that you should be able to sit down and feed yourself in peace and like enjoy a meal, which I have not succeeded at yet. But whenever I am eating a sandwich on the subway, I think about her and I'm like, yeah, maybe I should have structured my day a little better to like give myself the time to do the things I need to do instead of just rushing from one thing that someone else needs me to do to the next thing that someone else needs me to do.

[9:21] Leah Walsh: Totally.

[9:23] Collin Baja: And and finding those moments that are for yourself, like you said, waking up early. I mean for me, I love mornings. So making sure that I wake up at a decent hour and do things for myself. Make a make a good breakfast and just that wherever you want to say ritual routine, but just making myself a breakfast, having my coffee, maybe reading something, meditating, roll out of my foam roller, whatever it is, and then and then tackle the day.

[9:51] Leah Walsh: Yeah.

[9:51] Collin Baja: It it just the inner clock and inner kind of click to be a better day.

[10:01] Leah Walsh: Self-care. Can you talk a little bit about the different kinds of things you've been doing for money jobs lately?

[10:09] Collin Baja: Lately or just in general, yeah. I mean I mean since school but also just lately. I have had a plethora of jobs. Um in college I was a brunch waiter on the weekends in order to wake my way through school. Since school I have been a professional dancer, um, toured with some choreographers I admire and love. Um, and I've been fortunate enough to be on Broadway and do some small television things and fall into the very weird world of modeling, which um can bring me some some cash, right? But I've also along the way been a telemarketer, I've been a bartender, I've been a caterer, I've waited tables, I have helped people on odd projects that they're producing. Um yeah, and and along the way clarified for myself what benefits me and what doesn't.

[11:13] Leah Walsh: Yeah.

[11:13] Collin Baja: I have no shame at all saying that I was a caterer and I've had to go back to it before and in and out and whatever. But I also recognized that catering for me was soul sucking, and we have to do that sometimes. That's just the name of the game. We have to do what you can to survive, especially in this city at this pace, um, to just put the bills in order. But I've also clarified for myself that I'm the only one in charge of my own personal happiness, and I won't just do anything. I'd rather be broke and cut some other corners than do something that truly almost just makes me feel worse about myself and sets that spiral down deeper just to have some cash flow.

[11:54] Leah Walsh: Yeah.

[11:55] Collin Baja: Um, which was a learning curve. I had to try it and fail or try and quit or whatever it is. But I grew up in a restaurant too. My parents owned an English pub for 22 years, so I mean, waiting tables to me does not do that. Because to me it almost feels like uh a second life.

[12:15] Leah Walsh: Yeah.

[12:16] Collin Baja: Um and how is doing the modeling stuff for money? You don't see it necessarily as a major artistic outlet, although I'm sure it has some of that.

[12:25] Collin Baja: But you're doing it more for money.

[12:28] Yeah, I never outside of your other performing.

[12:31] Totally.

[12:31] I'm super grateful for it.

[12:33] Let me say that. I'm super grateful that mom and dad's genes, the mixture of it, somehow people deemed me worthy enough to pay me for a picture.

[12:40] Awesome.

[12:41] Right.

[12:41] But that's also a perspective that I would like to maintain because it's a really silly thing.

[12:47] It's awesome.

[12:47] I love it.

[12:49] But um I mean looks fade and like thanks for thinking that I'm handsome enough to do this.

[12:56] Um but it does lack the creative side of it and it lacks the artistry that I need in my life.

[13:05] So I'm super fortunate and I love it because it allows me to satisfy some other things that are very important to me, which is interaction with people.

[13:11] I love people. I'm such a lover of interacting and collaborating and doing that, that I meet new people every time I'm on set.

[13:20] A brand new group of people that can drive me nuts or can be incredible or lead to new opportunities or whatever, and I just love that.

[13:28] I love the fact that it affords me travel, which is like one of my number one passions.

[13:32] So sometimes and it's not as glamorous as everyone thinks, but you can be flown to places or you can even if it's upstate or a different part of Brooklyn, whatever.

[13:41] Right.

[13:41] Um, I like that aspect of it.

[13:44] The hard part about modeling and using it as one of my many things to have money, is that the system is very flawed.

[13:54] You do a job and you don't see that money for about three to four months.

[13:59] Right.

[13:59] Um, which makes it impossible to budget or know when that money's coming or plan life, right?

[14:09] Um so that can be hair pulling frustration, but um but yeah, I'm super grateful for it.

[14:18] But it also seems very silly.

[14:22] Hey, whatever works.

[14:23] Yeah, totally.

[14:24] And I'm I it happened totally on accident.

[14:26] I didn't go pursue it, so really grateful for that.

[14:29] Who are some of the do you have any peers that you've collaborated with at since school that really you find that your partnership kind of brings out the best in you?

[14:41] Yeah, absolutely.

[14:43] But but maybe this is kind of a sideways way of answering that question.

[14:47] Um I find, you know, you and I we see each other once a week or pretty if if I'm in town, if you're in town, we see each other as much as possible, and that is that collaboration to me.

[14:59] Yeah.

[14:59] Just sitting and talking and creating and and sharing and delving into ideas or complaints or whatever it is, I walk away feeling inspired from that collaboration because my chosen family are you guys.

[15:13] Me too.

[15:14] And that that's the number one source of pride in my life.

[15:18] So every time I meet up and make sure that I combat the dark side by reaching out and making sure I can be social and see these people that mean so much to me, that is already a collaboration that just brings me so much joy and happiness and like fulfillment.

[15:31] But as far as actual project-based things, um, I was you know, I've danced with a bunch of Juilliard alum in Azure's work.

[15:41] Um and then we just make little dance videos on the side because I don't really dance all that much anymore, as you know, because I got really tired of tearing apart my body for somebody else's vision.

[15:53] What is that like for no money?

[15:54] As a dancer, what is that like?

[15:56] Because you're putting your body through so much.

[15:59] And yeah, there's no guarantee that like the time that you injure yourself is gonna be a time when there's workers' comp or that you were if you that you were being paid for it at all.

[16:10] Or yeah.

[16:11] Um I this is just my personal opinion.

[16:14] But for me it became very clear immediately after graduation that there are only a certain amount of a handful of choreographers and people that I believe in their work enough that I'd want to do that for.

[16:31] They're they're working their butts off, they are tearing apart their bodies.

[16:36] 50%, 60% of the work they like, some of it they don't, they end up choreographing a lot of the stuff that someone else puts their stamp on, like Jeff was talking about and basically they get all the credit for, and then you're still working a side job, and then eventually life changes, you want to have a kid or you wanna move on to something else and you're left with what?

[16:56] Right.

[16:56] Um so I guess for me, artistic expression and artistic fulfillment is absolutely priority, but at what sacrifice?

[17:07] Because as a dancer, I was already in the best dance company I'll ever be a part of, which was Juilliard.

[17:12] Four years of choreographers and mentors and brilliant collaborators and my peers being the most talented, incredible people ever in a sustained safe environment for four years.

[17:24] Now I've done stuff since then with companies and choreographers, but I I couldn't sustain the kind of life I want to live, which is I mean, I I'm not rolling in dough by any means, and I I don't need to be rich or anything like that, but I want to live a certain kind of life where I don't have to scrape by.

[17:42] Right.

[17:43] And be fearful all the time.

[17:45] Um as well as, yeah, that's my choreography.

[17:50] That's mine.

[17:51] And that's my body.

[17:53] I only get one.

[17:55] And so what is that like for you?

[17:57] I mean, you're you're a dancer, but I know your focus has kind of shifted away from being a f that being your only creative pursuit.

[18:05] How has your relationship with your body changed from that intense four-year time at Juilliard where that was your main focus?

[18:16] Um my relationship with my body, I still take care of it.

[18:20] I take care of it, but in a very different way.

[18:30] Um my awareness of my body and my training of my body.

[18:35] It's kinda like riding a bike.

[18:36] A lot of it is still there.

[18:38] I mean, with all the Alexander technique you've taken and yoga and all these different things, you just you have a self-awareness of your body and your muscles and your bone structure, all of it, that is just innately there.

[18:53] But now it's shifted in a sense of um, well, in some silly ways, like for modeling, a lot of it is like surface level looks, right?

[19:01] So hitting the gym more and getting maintaining that like mass six eight pack or whatever, crap like that.

[19:08] But my appreciation for my body has shifted into a whole different realm of I think I'm kind of done lifting a woman above my head while I throw myself around on my knees.

[19:19] You know?

[19:19] Or you mean we can't do that after we're done here?

[19:22] Because I can try to be elected.

[19:25] Down the street.

[19:26] Um and yet I still do, you know, my own little things here and there that I end up throwing myself around with a woman above my head, but I just I'm more selective with it now because I don't want to hurt my body.

[19:41] I I want to push it to its limits.

[19:43] I want to expand its whole um power, but not at the risk of another knee surgery, which I've had three of.

[19:56] Um or any of those things.

[20:00] So more yoga and still some dance classes and my own choreography and going to the gym and exploring different kinds of physical activity.

[20:13] And those are all things that help with whether it be setting up a schedule for myself or like you were saying, setting up endorphins every morning or this or that, like physical activity and exploring all kinds of different physical activity, not only helps my relationship to my body, but also just keeping me out of my head.

[20:33] Keeping me away from the self-involvement of career and the pursuit of the next best thing and this and that, and why am I not?

[20:44] All that crap.

[20:45] So I know for for me it's been as I'm kind of in this weird place of trying to figure out okay, am I still gonna am I pursuing acting as a career full time, or do I want to try to contribute in a different way with some kind of full-time job that gives me some benefit of working for a nonprofit or something like that, or in theater in a different way and producing or something, or I'm still pursuing acting on the side, or do I need do I want to take another track?

[21:13] Is this still making me happy?

[21:16] Like the hardest part for me to wrap my brain around is the possibility of like I've entrenched my like we were talking about earlier, entrenched my identity so far into being an actor.

[22:22] By for the first time in our lives, which got us to where we are now, which is a great place, right?

[22:27] I'm grateful.

[22:29] But for the first time to expand those blinders to take them off to kind of just stay curious to what else is even out there, it's hard.

[22:38] It's growth pains.

[22:39] In some ways, it seems freeing to even think about other opportunities or other options, but it's terrifying.

[22:39] It's terrifying.

[22:47] It's effing terrifying because we don't have that, you know, degree in something that is a backbone or uh something we can just easily go into another.

[22:55] Yeah.

[22:56] So it's absolutely terrifying.

[22:58] But there's a choice.

[23:01] There's a choice to either just throw yourself out there or not.

[23:05] And I think that what we get caught up in is do I pursue acting?

[23:10] Am I an actor or not?

[23:12] It doesn't have to be so black and white.

[23:14] And that's really hard to feel in the moment, especially when there is so much compare and despair when you see colleagues, friends, whoever, Joe Schmo who's never acted before in the modeling world, all of a sudden book a TV show, stuff like that.

[23:26] It drives you nuts.

[23:28] But there's um just a choice of whether or not I stay curious to everything and try on a million different hats, and maybe they'll all fail, maybe they'll be weird.

[23:42] Maybe I'll find some sort of new inspiration in something I never would have imagined.

[23:47] So like it feels super uncomfortable, but I'm in the process of it right now, actually, of meeting with people older than myself, meeting people um same age and in different careers, whatever, and just sitting down and doing informative talks about it.

[24:01] Like, you know, what would I be like doing PR?

[24:04] What would I be like working for a theater company?

[24:06] What would I be like as a literary agent?

[24:09] What would I you know, all these different things that I've never even thought about before, but just picking their minds right to see if anything even calls to me, or can I work on a project for two weeks and see if it fits, or that's so smart, or whatever, just because I don't know.

[24:24] Well, and because you are such a people person, I'm sure you've met all these folks who are happy to have that conversation.

[24:31] Yeah, but it's also the most uncomfortable moment is you reaching out to them and saying, Listen, I'm at this point in life.

[24:37] Yeah, I have no idea where I'm going, who I'm gonna really be, but I know that I am curious so.

[24:45] Collin Baja: So can I pick your mind? Can I take you out for a glass of wine or a cup of coffee or something? And that is also something I've had to work on changing the mindset of that, how I phrase it.

[24:54] Leah Walsh: Right.

[24:55] Collin Baja: I actually just the other night was saying, God, I've been like whoring myself out to these people. And William, God bless him, my fiancé was, um, you really need to be careful of how you phrase that, Collin. You're not. You're putting yourself out there and staying vulnerable and open to whatever could come. And you just have to rephrase that because you're already diminishing it. Because that's already courageous and hard enough to do. To put yourself out there and say, I'm open, I have no idea that's okay, but what information can I get? And maybe, just maybe it'll lead to something that I love. But in the meantime, I don't have to decide I'm not an actor anymore. Right. It just means, okay, great.

I'm gonna maybe that's gonna be one of seven things for right now. And then maybe it'll be the only thing. Or I don't know. I think this black and white mentality is something we get so caught up in because we've spent so long with that singular focus that now it's like the be all end all or all or nothing, and it doesn't have to be the case.

[25:57] Leah Walsh: Yeah, that's hard for me.

[25:59] Collin Baja: Oh God, it's hard for all of us. And I say that as like a positive affirmation because I remind myself of that.

[26:04] Leah Walsh: Yeah. Now, since William's an actor too, is that is it hard? Is it hard? Like you don't have to go too deep into it, but what is that like for you two to be in a relationship as two artists?

[26:18] Collin Baja: Um, it has been hard. And it's been the best thing in the world. I mean, I will, without getting all gushy, just say that I am so fortunate to have such an incredible man who I'm about to marry in a couple months. Um, but we both had to go through certain phases. We've been together four years, and year two, I think when I was booking a bunch of good stuff, and he wasn't, there was a moment of envy. And that was a really powerful moment for us to go through because jealousy and envy are different, right? Jealousy is I want what you have and I don't want you to have it, but envy’s gosh, I want that too, and I'm glad you have it.

[27:00] Leah Walsh: Right.

[27:01] Collin Baja: And it really just came down to communication about sharing that. And I totally understood and empathized, and it brought us even closer, and then we moved on, and then fast forward a year, I had to go through that. He was booking left and right amazing things, things that I totally wanted, but was so proud of him for having. And it did. It put a spotlight on what I felt like was a void in my life or my career.

[27:29] Leah Walsh: Right.

[27:30] Collin Baja: And so I made it about me as opposed to embracing the fact that it's an us, and even if we had broken up, the fact that how powerful and awesome is that for him. I adore him. Even if we had broken up six months later, I want you to have that. Everyone's a winner, you know. Um, but I made it about myself, and it brought up all the insecurities and fear that I had that I wasn't really addressing. So then, you know, going back to those bigger questions of like, well, I'm doing all I can, and I'm still awesome, and, uh, you know, right, and whatever and he deserves what he has. He deserves it too, and I'm proud of him for that. And it's awesome. And I have to share this though. I have to share that, like, hey, over here, I'm a little bit ashamed, but I'm totally envy filled. Found a way to be able to talk about it is huge.

[28:24] Leah Walsh: Yeah.

[28:25] Collin Baja: And, um, I think two artists together, man. You know, it's a struggle.

[28:29] Leah Walsh: Well, I feel like, and even especially more since you're two men in a relationship.

[28:33] Collin Baja: Right.

[28:34] Leah Walsh: And not that you're both auditioning for the same part, but you've got to be.

[28:38] Collin Baja: Oh, okay.

[28:40] Leah Walsh: But like you can imagine yourselves being up for the same parts at least.

[28:44] Collin Baja: And for Frankie and I, it's a little easier to avoid that just because like he's not, we're not in competition with each other ever. Male and female, right? But we have come to a place where it's like we are a team, and anything that's good for him is good for me.

[28:56] Collin Baja: Absolutely. And I'm meeting all the people he's meeting, and he's my best agent. And, but it's hard to find that place.

[29:04] Leah Walsh: It is.

[29:05] Collin Baja: I mean, but it's a how else do you find it by, uh, how else would you find it unless you had those feelings, right?

[29:12] Leah Walsh: Yeah.

[29:12] Collin Baja: And you communicate it and it's gonna happen back and forth because the hard truth is there's no guarantees at all in this industry that we love and that we've been pursuing. There's no guarantees, even when you have the hit show that runs for six years. Okay, your bank account is a little bit better, but then what?

[29:29] Leah Walsh: Yeah, you're another f, you know, struggling actor trying to get the next thing.

[29:34] Collin Baja: Every actor is always terrified they're never gonna work again. Every artist is always terrified if they're gonna make the bills, or even if they're not, about like, uh, sustainability.

[29:44] Leah Walsh: Yeah.

[29:44] Collin Baja: For how long can we do this? In what ways, you know. And I just think communicating about it and especially with your partner, just being so united.

[29:58] Leah Walsh: Yeah.

[29:58] Collin Baja: Is what's the most powerful thing, but you can only get there by the highs and lows and ex and experiencing both sides of it. I think communicating in general is probably the kind of like I think Brendan talked about this actually on his episode.

[30:13] Leah Walsh: Like communicating is probably the biggest antidote to the dark side, whether it be when if you're lucky enough to have a partner, or if it's your friends, yeah.

[30:23] Collin Baja: Um, or if you're writing in your journal, or whatever it is, like just being honest about what you're feeling and honest about what you're going through and totally and talking about it is always better.

[30:35] Leah Walsh: Yeah, I remember him actually saying this now in his episode, and it's so true. He was perfect and right on point of saying, as soon as you share it, you realize there's a million other people feeling the same way, or something similar, or just by instead of like holding on to it and making it this big scary thing that you just lock away in the closet or in the drawer, by throwing it out there and just saying, Ugh, this is it, it gives other people permission to kind of empathize with that, or at least be aware of it to maybe help you, or whatever, and then it alleviates the weight of it and the stress for yourself.

[31:12] Collin Baja: And I know that which is why this is so brilliant.

[31:15] Leah Walsh: It is, it's helping me.

[31:17] Collin Baja: It's helping me, yeah. But I know that you're a big fan of therapy too, and I've gone back to think of seeing a therapist, and I had gone for three or four years when we were at Juilliard because it was free, like in the health center, you just could go, and so I started going because I like to use all my resources.

[31:33] Leah Walsh: Totally.

[31:33] Collin Baja: And it was a hard time, but um now that I have health insurance right now and I've been going back, it's just, I think it's just so valuable to say things and to allow yourself to say them. Because so often we feel like you can't really show your emotions to people or you belittle your emotions about or your frustrations about some of these situations, but at least having a therapist is like you can just let it all out and they're not gonna judge you.

[32:00] Leah Walsh: Yeah.

[32:01] Collin Baja: I mean, having that removed party is insightful and just helpful and freeing.

[32:08] Leah Walsh: Yeah.

[32:09] Collin Baja: I'm all about self-betterment in general. So if it's whatever combination works for people, some people just react differently to therapy, but I think therapy or yoga or life coaching or whatever it is for people is so helpful.

[32:24] Collin Baja: Which is why I think every Joe Schmo on the street should take an acting class. The amount of like self-investigation you have to do, the amount of self-awareness and reflection and vulnerability and all of that, it makes everyone a better person.

[32:37] Leah Walsh: Frankie and I talk about that a lot because like at least even though we all have our issues, at least through the training we've gone through, we are aware of like observing ourselves in a certain way and being aware of our habits and being aware of kind of seeing our tricks and things.

[32:53] Collin Baja: And I think about people who have just no interaction with the arts who maybe never examine themselves in that way and don't see the emotional patterns or the way they deal with life that might be getting in their way.

[33:05] Leah Walsh: Right.

[33:11] Collin Baja: Um, what do your sisters think about you? Like how do they interact with you as an artist? Or they have they always been like, oh, that's what Collin does.

[33:22] Collin Baja: Yes. Well, I'm the youngest of four. I have three older sisters, and they are my best friends. They're awesome. I have incredible relationships with each one of them. Um, I'm the only performing artist, I'm the only artist in the family.

[33:38] Collin Baja: But so that comes with its own complications and its own joys. Uh-huh. They sometimes and often actually don't know how to respond to certain things or to understand the audition process or filming process or the dance tour life or a modeling job or whatever. Um, but they're super supportive and they're so much fun, and they always try. And they've always just said, you know, Collin, you've been since two years old dancing, performing, putting on shows, doing this, memorizing Janet Jackson, Michael Jackson moves, and filming your own movies and stuff that this is you, it always has been.

[34:21] Collin Baja: Um, so I'm very fortunate in the sense that my sisters are such a rock and a solid place to I can turn to for anything. Um, and they're always amazed. They're always proud and always amazed, which is really nice. It's really nice to have.

[34:41] Leah Walsh: Well, I know you make it a priority to see them even though they don't live here.

[34:45] Collin Baja: Well, yeah. We all scattered off to different time zones. But, um, and we're all so different, incredibly different. You know, one is an ex-international USA women's rugby player, she's been two World Cups, and then now is one of the leading people in resiliency and climate change and stuff, and based in Baltimore and travels all the time. One's a massage therapist with a clinical psychology degree. One has got a graphic design degree, but travels the world as a freelance graphic designer and artist and producer for things and lives part-time in Istanbul.

[35:22] Collin Baja: And it's kind of nuts. Everyone just scattered to the wind. So, um, but yeah, we're all super supportive of each other. And if not, I mean, obviously it's a complicated thing to have four very strong personalities.

[35:37] Collin Baja: Um, yeah, as far as my art, they've always been really supportive and excited by it, no matter what form it takes, and also super supportive of where I'm at now, which is shit, I don't know what's next.

[35:53] Leah Walsh: Right.

[35:53] Collin Baja: I don't know. I don't know if I'm gonna end up at some desk job to try that hat on for six months. I have no idea, but they're equally as supportive about that.

[36:04] Leah Walsh: How is your relationship with New York City these days?

[36:09] Collin Baja: Hmm.

[36:09] Leah Walsh: Eleven years later. How is that going for you 11 years later?

[36:16] Collin Baja: The charm and magic of it has dissipated. I'm gonna be perfectly frank, it's a very hate love thing, which you hear a lot about in New York. But, um, what I love about it and what keeps me coming back and having this as home is the diversity. The diversity of being on the subway car, which I wish I didn't have to use the subway a lot, but and being on the subway car with eight languages, how many different skin colors, um, you have a doctor, a celebrity, a nurse, a struggling actor, and a homeless man sitting next to each other. It's like the beginning of an epic bad joke, right?

[36:52] Collin Baja: But it's real life in New York and nobody cares, nobody judges. Um, and the art, the accessibility to art. Those are the two things that I think the spontaneity, the diversity, and the accessibility are just unbeatable in this city.

[37:07] Collin Baja: But my relationship to it now is it's, uh, I'm a little bit over the hustle. I function really well as a hustler. I can just, I can do a million things, like I said, I can throw on that Superman cape, but I don't want to anymore. You know, priorities are shifting. I do not want to wear myself so thin and struggle so hard and do that constant hustle that New York requires until you get to a certain economic state where you know you don't need to. But, um, so the quality of life in other places really appeals to me. But I don't know, New York as of right now still has the hook. The hook in me. Keeps reeling me back in there.

[37:55] Leah Walsh: Um, are there any things that you turn to when you, uh, feel yourself going to the dark side or you feel yourself over and over reading that same book or like listening to that same album or going to that same place when you're like, God, I'm having a bad day. I'm gonna do this.

[38:11] Collin Baja: Oh my god, absolutely. Number besides friends, because I know that's, yeah, number one thing I was gonna say is reach out to people. The more I get down the dark spiral, the more I want to isolate. And so by forcing myself to reach out, even if it's just for a walk in the park or something with someone, always shifts, always helps. Um, but the things that I put in place for myself too is like you said, carving out time for myself, if that means, and it does often a meditation, if not once or twice a day. Which, whether you believe in it or not, for me, even if you don't know how to properly meditate, quote unquote, yeah.

[38:45] Leah Walsh: How did you start doing that?

[38:47] Collin Baja: Well, actually, when I was in Spider-Man, there was a, uh, a Vedic meditation guy who came in and told us about his course. And so I went and actually did it for a week, um, prior to the shows and stuff, and was taught Vedic meditation, and it just stuck with me. And I like it because it's not only guaranteeing and forcing myself to have time with just myself every day, but sometimes it's really challenging, and it's just is always beneficial because I feel a little bit more grounded, I feel just a little bit more in touch with my body, I feel a little bit less manic when I, especially on those dark days, and, um, it all comes down to perspective for me. Just sitting with myself and my thoughts for 20 minutes, you can just remind yourself bigger picture.

[39:39] Leah Walsh: Right.

[39:39] Collin Baja: You're so small in this like huge space, and okay, yeah, all your feelings are valid, Collin, but you know, go live your life. Go do something. If you have no money today, do something that feels good to you, whether that be, oh no, I'm rambling, but, but yeah, what do I do? What do I put in place? I mean, or places I go, I get outside. For me, nature is number one, and it's hard to be in this city because of that, but Fort Tryon Park, what a beautiful escape. Not just the cloisters, but that park, because it's so underpopulated and underused and underappreciated, and it's gorgeous. Um, I love just putting in good music because music for me feeds my soul, and it can just bring a lot of life to me. So putting in good music on a playlist and walking the streets of New York. I mean, how cheesy, but it's so powerful.

[40:38] Um, I'm always reading new books. I always usually have one piece of fiction, but I also always am kind of looking for another inspirational or exciting kind of way of looking at things with a new angle. And sometimes, I mean, I've heard this in your other episodes as well. We all get it. Sometimes, especially in this city, the best thing to do is to stay at home, order some sushi, and binge watch a show in my PJs. And guess what? I used to give myself so much grief for that.

[41:07] Leah Walsh: Yeah.

[41:08] Collin Baja: So much self-judgment. Oh, okay, a day passed, and you haven't done anything to further your career or your life or be proactive or productive or anything. But no, sometimes that's exactly what you need to do in order to just re-center, realign, and just give yourself a little bit of love in that way.

[41:32] Leah Walsh: Yeah, I think those are my go-tos, my go-to things or places.

[41:43] Collin Baja: Any concerts or shows?

[41:44] Leah Walsh: Well, I'm seeing Company 14 by our brilliant Juilliard Lama.

[41:48] Collin Baja: I was gonna ask you when this is done if you wanted to find a time to go.

[41:52] Leah Walsh: I'm gonna go Saturday night.

[41:53] Collin Baja: Okay.

[41:54] Leah Walsh: But I already know just based on so many mutual friends in it, as well as Austin, creator of it, um, that that is something I can highly recommend.

[42:01] Collin Baja: Cinderella, right?

[42:02] Leah Walsh: It's Cinderella this time, and it is broke, sexy, modern, but not aerial dance, live music, um, crazy experience. It's just a really fun environment. Go get some food and some cocktails and enjoy this incredible show. And I, unlike you, I'm still dying to see Hamilton.

[42:24] Collin Baja: So I'll get my chance.

[42:27] Leah Walsh: Are you still?

[42:28] Collin Baja: I wasn't sure if I should ask or not. Are you still pursuing the show you wanted to self-produce?

[42:33] Leah Walsh: Yeah.

[42:34] Collin Baja: It goes along in the same vein, and sorry if I'm repeating myself of just trying to stay active and do what I can. Um, so I don't know in what form it'll take. I don't know in what form any of that kind of mentality will be day to day. But right now I am trying to create my own show. Um, looking into different spaces because the original one I wanted is not available. But there's so many ideas running through my head, and there's so many people at my fingertips from school and etc. from the professional world that I would love to utilize.

[43:09] Leah Walsh: When did you first decide this was something you wanted to pursue?

[43:12] Collin Baja: My own show.

[43:13] Leah Walsh: Yeah.

[43:13] Collin Baja: I was thinking about it for a while, actually. But to tell you the truth, probably the inspiration came more to the foreground of my mind because William, my fiancé, has been doing his own one-man cabaret shows for over a year and a half.

[43:25] Leah Walsh: Which I love.

[43:25] Collin Baja: And they're successful and fun and weird. Mine would be totally different. This is jazz and cabaret style and with a specific character. But, and then just thinking about all the different people I want to create with, you know, uh, whose work I admire, that kind of stuff, and also just to have a little bit of control.

[43:44] Leah Walsh: Yes.

[43:44] Collin Baja: I'm not a control freak, but there's that whole thing that all of us feel the whole dark-sided struggle comes from not having any sort of control. You're waiting for that next audition, for the next callback, for the next opportunity, whatever, and then we drive ourselves effing mad because we focus on it and work on it so hard, and then you never hear anything.

[44:01] Leah Walsh: Yeah.

[44:02] Collin Baja: Or if you do, you get to the end and then you're runner up or whatever. It's, it's or you book it in and last for two days. Whatever. It's just this clusterfuck. So what is something I can control? My own personal happiness, my space, who I keep around me, what I put in my body, and a little bit of artistic life over here because I could go and, you know, talk to Chanel, a mutual friend of ours, to choreograph a solo on me. Or I met a guy who has a great camera and he's got a flying drone camera, and so I took Jody up to Fort Tryon Park and we made a dance video and just collaborated with him and made this random thing and then put all those things together and or just, just yeah, just see. And so now I'm, I'm now I am kind of making an actual narrative and a full show that I think I'm just gonna save up and rent a space and produce and run on my own and do maybe two or three shows, and if anything just for me.

[44:56] Leah Walsh: Just for me to like do it.

[45:01] Collin Baja: Exactly. Of all the things you want to try and all the things you want to show.

[45:05] Leah Walsh: Exactly.

[45:05] Collin Baja: While I'm totally open, uncomfortably so to what else is out there in the art world and outside of it.

[45:13] Leah Walsh: Yeah.

[45:15] Collin Baja: Cause we don't know. We don't know. We haven't allowed ourselves to think that way of what else might inspire us the same way. And maybe nothing else will, but we could be really surprised.

[45:25] Leah Walsh: Yeah.

[45:27] Collin Baja: Why don't we know?

[45:29] Leah Walsh: Because you've spent how many years.

[45:31] Collin Baja: It's a maddening thing. It's like you don't know if, oh, if I wait another year, I'm gonna find quote unquote success financially with this.

[45:39] Leah Walsh: Yeah.

[45:40] Collin Baja: Or if I go around this corner to left field, I'm gonna find something I love over there. So you just have to, you just have to try it. And the unfortunate part is trust.

[45:49] Leah Walsh: Trust.

[45:49] Collin Baja: Trust in yourself and just trust that it'll all work out in some way. You're gonna live a good life if you want to.

[45:54] Leah Walsh: Yeah.

[45:54] Collin Baja: I mean, you've got a beautiful, amazing man, you've got a great home, you've got health, you've, you mean we got these other bigger things to just be thankful for, but I don't think though that it's like, okay, I'm gonna wait around and just be the actor.

[46:07] Leah Walsh: Right.

[46:08] Collin Baja: It's now at this point in life. It's I'm gonna plant a million seeds. I don't really know anything about gardening, so I'll probably kill half of them. But maybe some of them will sprout.

[46:18] Leah Walsh: Right.

[46:18] Collin Baja: And maybe I'll make a fucking forest. Who knows? Like or a whole, you know, tomato patch, whatever. Um, so I think that's helpful.

[46:28] Leah Walsh: Yeah.

[46:28] Collin Baja: To just calm the anxiety down and to if anything, just embrace it but put it aside because why not just try it all and see which one strikes?

[46:40] Leah Walsh: And to look at it from that positive perspective.

[46:44] Collin Baja: Instead of the, oh, I'm giving up on this one thing or exactly. I don't have keeping that, but I'm gonna explore other things, I'm gonna be curious.

[46:51] Leah Walsh: Right.

[46:52] Collin Baja: I don't have to say goodbye to this.

[46:54] Leah Walsh: Right.

[46:54] Collin Baja: But for right now, is it bringing me the kind of happiness I want?

[46:59] Leah Walsh: No, so okay.

[47:00] Collin Baja: Mm-hmm. What else does?

[47:02] Leah Walsh: Yeah.

[47:03] Collin Baja: I mean I told you this before, but it's so talking to you and Allie is what made me think of doing this podcast. Because I always feel more balanced after I talk to you guys.

[47:13] Leah Walsh: And everything's, everything is back in its proper place of the business isn't more important than real life and real people, and everything's kind of put back in perspective.

[47:24] Collin Baja: So thank you.

[47:25] Leah Walsh: Thank you. I love this.

[47:26] Collin Baja: Um, I just, it's hard. I get it.

[47:30] Leah Walsh: I totally get it.

[47:31] Collin Baja: You do the same thing for me. It just is about maintaining perspective.

[47:36] Leah Walsh: And I mean once again, I say all these kind of cheesy things, but it's true.

[47:43] Collin Baja: That when we're dying, right? When we're on our deathbed, yeah, okay, we could have this amazing career that people remember and we're in memoriam on the fucking Oscars or whatever it is. Who cares? But what really made up your life, you're gonna work, you're gonna be an artist no matter what. You're gonna do cool things with your life. But the people, the friendships.

[47:59] Leah Walsh: The people, the friendships, living your life, adventure, exploring things.

[48:07] Collin Baja: Yeah. I mean, who knows? You could go do some random other job for five years that affords you all the money to come produce and make your own thing. Or I, I have no idea. We don't know.

[48:17] Leah Walsh: Yeah.

[48:21] Collin Baja: All right.

[48:22] Leah Walsh: Okay. I love you.

[48:23] Collin Baja: I love you.

[48:24] Leah Walsh: Thank you.

[48:36] Leah Walsh: Thank you for listening to the Compass Podcast. I'm Leah Walsh. More episodes are coming soon. Please look for us on Facebook, in iTunes. I'd like to thank the following people for their generosity. The Compass Cover Art is by Kim Miller, music by Brendan Spieth, audio assistance from Nick Choxie, and a special thanks to Frankie J. Alvarez. See you next time.