This transcript was automatically generated and might contain errors.

[0:00] Maddie: I've Got Everything Under Control.

[0:31] Conner: When does the face stop and the head begin?

[0:33] Maddie: I don't know.

[0:34] Conner: Temples.

[0:35] Maddie: I don't know. It's all...

[0:36] Conner: Temples.

[0:37] Maddie: Yeah. Corners of the mouth. It's mustache and then the rest of it's head.

[0:39] Conner: There is no face. There's just mustache.

[0:44] Maddie: It's just mustache and comb. That's it.

[0:46] Conner: But we could find like an actual mathematical degree of the sphere.

[0:49] Maddie: I mean...

[0:50] Conner: That would be like the place.

[0:51] Maddie: I mean your beard is two thirds of your face and in fact it gives you another third of face.

[0:54] Conner: Oh mine?

[0:55] Maddie: So I'd argue if we round up you're all beard.

[0:57] Conner: Yeah. No. I'm mostly beard.

[0:59] Maddie: Yeah.

[1:00] Conner: It does extend deeply below my...

[1:02] Maddie: Like my chin is... I have a very small face.

[1:05] Conner: I'd be very curious to see what it looks like.

[1:07] Maddie: My two favorite...

[1:08] Conner: Now I've got pictures.

[1:09] Maddie: My two favorite body positivity games, but I'm going to label it that way because it has to do with your body.

[1:13] Conner: Uh-oh.

[1:14] Maddie: Sweet.

[1:15] Maddie: Comparing my legs to Conner's and noticing that the length is the same.

[1:17] Conner: We're calling these body positivity games.

[1:19] Maddie: And also asking people...

[1:21] Conner: Thank you Jasmine. Thank you Jasmine.

[1:25] Maddie: Say it on stage, say it in the podcast, say it when we have guests over.

[1:30] Conner: I hate to remind you that you're the first one who brought it up several times and went put your leg next to mine.

[1:35] Maddie: Let's compare bellybuttons.

[1:36] Conner: But also going up to Murray and saying hey person, guess where you think his chin starts.

[1:41] Maddie: And then actually showing them where is a fun little...

[1:44] Conner: I have had people poke and just miss.

[1:47] Maddie: Just miss by like an inch and I'm like nah.

[1:50] Conner: Keep going up.

[1:51] Maddie: That's okay.

[1:52] Conner: My sisters used to call me butt face and then they would just push my chin because I have a cleft chin.

[1:57] Maddie: So if you ever want to just push my chin, you're welcome to.

[2:00] Conner: I never thought to do it.

[2:01] Maddie: Okay, push my chin.

[2:02] Conner: If it'll make you feel more at home, I'll do it.

[2:04] Maddie: I'm going to do it twice.

[2:05] Conner: I'm going to do it with a thumb and a forefinger.

[2:07] Maddie: God damn it.

[2:08] Conner: Hold on.

[2:09] Maddie: Hold on.

[2:10] Conner: Wait for it.

[2:11] Maddie: And then wiggle it around.

[2:13] Conner: Feel the butt.

[2:14] Maddie: That's so interesting.

[2:16] Conner: This was satisfying.

[2:17] Maddie: Thank you.

[2:18] Conner: Good.

[2:19] Maddie: We've got pictures of that for social media as well.

[2:21] Conner: It's satisfying, right?

[2:22] Maddie: It's like it's right there.

[2:23] Conner: Jasmine, feel the butt.

[2:24] Jasmine: Oh, okay.

[2:25] Conner: Jasmine trying to casually knit right now.

[2:28] Maddie: This is a weird like very sibling holiday energy hang we've got going on.

[2:33] Conner: If you don't bring your butt over here for me to feel...

[2:35] Maddie: Oh, 100%.

[2:36] Conner: Here you go.

[2:37] Maddie: Are you kidding?

[2:38] Conner: If you don't bring your butt over here for me to feel...

[2:39] Maddie: Oh, yeah.

[2:40] Conner: It's like a little tushy in your face.

[2:42] Maddie: It really is.

[2:43] Conner: It is a cleft butt chin.

[2:45] Maddie: Do it.

[2:46] Conner: Which leads me to what are some holiday shenanigans that we all have siblings.

[2:52] Maddie: What are some things that they do?

[2:53] Conner: Oh, hey, everybody.

[2:54] Maddie: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, fucking hold the phone.

[2:59] Conner: I will put my chin in your mouth if you don't answer the question.

[3:02] Maddie: There's going to be no other way that I can swing in this otherwise tangential little anecdote, except on the heels of playing guess where Alex's chin is with your finger.

[3:09] Conner: Oh, yeah.

[3:15] Maddie: 100%.

[3:16] Conner: Okay, we'll double back.

[3:17] Maddie: Which of your parts do we need to guess?

[3:19] Conner: I had a theater class in high school where our teacher asked us to place a finger at the base of our spine.

[3:28] Maddie: Okay.

[3:30] Conner: Okay.

[3:32] Maddie: And he was like, no, that's not it.

[3:35] Conner: Keep going.

[3:36] Maddie: That's not it.

[3:37] Conner: Keep going.

[3:38] Maddie: Did you put a finger in your butt in class?

[3:39] Conner: Kind of.

[3:40] Maddie: Did you put your finger in each other's butts?

[3:42] Conner: No, no.

[3:43] Maddie: I understand that there is universally, as well as in my own life, a well lubricated path from theater teacher to creep.

[3:49] Conner: And it's a clear line that has been crossed many times.

[3:58] Maddie: However, in this specific and unique instance, I actually think that he was onto something.

[4:04] Conner: And I still think about, I'm going to stand up and do it right now.

[4:08] Maddie: Okay.

[4:09] Conner: Okay.

[4:10] Maddie: Oh, you put your hand in your pants.

[4:12] Conner: In your pants.

[4:13] Maddie: Okay.

[4:14] Conner: Yeah.

[4:15] Maddie: It's the base of my spine.

[4:17] Conner: Nope.

[4:18] Maddie: That's low.

[4:19] Conner: If you're at home and you feel like you want to try this, it's lower.

[4:25] Maddie: Your spine goes down.

[4:26] Conner: Yeah.

[4:27] Maddie: Yeah.

[4:28] Conner: I mean, all the way.

[4:29] Maddie: If you had a tail, it would be all the way down there.

[4:31] Conner: And the tailbone, that does make sense.

[4:33] Maddie: Now, follow-up question.

[4:34] Conner: Why was the exact end point of your spine inside of your butt prudent to class?

[4:44] Maddie: I'm going to take a stab at it.

[4:45] Conner: We don't remember.

[4:48] Maddie: I suspect that it was about both physically and vocally.

[4:56] Conner: Your spine is the sort of epicenter of so much that we do as actors.

[5:01] Maddie: There's sort of a capacity, a range of physical spectrum, of vocal spectrum.

[5:07] Conner: And we don't access a lot of it because we, I think, tend to move through the world in a contained space that we've defined.

[5:14] Maddie: And I think he was asking us to be like, no, man. Like, look at your whole body.

[5:16] Conner: Look at this spinal column that goes from the base of your skull way down.

[5:24] Maddie: And know that this is the source of all your breath work and all the impulses and all this stuff.

[5:30] Conner: Yeah, I can see being in a viewpoints class and then all of a sudden having a finger up my own butt and being like...

[5:35] Maddie: It was, in fact, a viewpoints class.

[5:36] Conner: It was my first viewpoints class.

[5:38] Maddie: But I love that stuff.

[5:40] Conner: If you're like Matty, want to lay on the ground and start sobbing because you figure out how to breathe into your hips.

[5:46] Maddie: Oh, hell yeah.

[5:47] Conner: Oh my God.

[5:48] Maddie: I love it.

[5:49] Conner: Breath down to the base of your spine, yeah.

[5:51] Maddie: So goddamn good.

[5:52] Conner: I'm in physical therapy for my shoulders because I keep like a simian, like keep just using only my arms to like move around apparently.

[5:58] Maddie: And like, yeah, I need to like stand up with my core.

[6:06] Conner: I need to do Alexander stuff.

[6:08] Maddie: And I was saying that like at the acupuncturist the other day.

[6:11] Conner: I was like, good Lord.

[6:12] Maddie: Why is...

[6:13] Conner: Okay, I guess my degree is worth something.

[6:15] Maddie: Correct.

[6:16] Conner: I apologize for so belligerently refusing to let you begin this podcast.

[6:19] Maddie: No, that's okay.

[6:20] Conner: But thank you at the same time.

[6:21] Maddie: That's okay.

[6:22] Conner: We're chilling.

[6:23] Maddie: We haven't introduced ourselves yet.

[6:24] Conner: I also fully like that.

[6:25] Maddie: I love that.

[6:26] Conner: And I appreciate you sharing this tale and your tale.

[6:30] Maddie: Thank you.

[6:31] Conner: Bone.

[6:32] Maddie: Yes, all of us.

[6:33] Conner: Everybody say hi.

[6:34] Maddie: Hi.

[6:35] Conner: Hey, y'all.

[6:36] Maddie: I'm Maddie.

[6:37] Conner: What's up?

[6:38] Maddie: I mean, I think you know me.

[6:39] Conner: I'm currently the trickster at 27 Tavern.

[6:40] Maddie: I don't think you have to do that.

[6:41] Conner: But I'm full of holiday spirit.

[6:42] Maddie: Oh, we got to have a song.

[6:43] Conner: Yeah, can we get a holiday...

[6:44] Maddie: We haven't officially started a podcast that Maddie's on.

[6:45] Conner: You want to say hi?

[6:46] Jasmine: Hi.

[6:47] Conner: Hi.

[6:48] Maddie: Hi.

[6:49] Conner: Hi.

[6:50] Maddie: Hi.

[6:51] Conner: Hi.

[6:52] Maddie: Hi.

[6:53] Conner: Hi.

[6:55] Maddie: Don't forget to subscribe.

[6:56] Conner: And the...

[6:57] Maddie: Yeah, now we will officially begin the Christmas special with Maddie.

[7:04] Conner: It's the only time his wave sign has ever gone off the charts.

[7:07] Maddie: It's pretty impressive.

[7:08] Conner: But to officially start our Christmas podcast, we will need, please, a Christmas intro song from...

[7:15] Jasmine: Also, I'm Jasmine.

[7:16] Conner: Yeah.

[7:18] Jasmine: D20's roasting in an angry jam.

[7:25] Conner: BBEG nipping at your butts.

[7:30] Jasmine: A DM waggling his eyebrows all aglow.

[7:36] Conner: And you know the pizza should have arrived hours ago.

[7:42] Jasmine: You know that.

[7:45] Conner: I'll keep going.

[7:46] Jasmine: Who's on their way?

[7:47] Conner: I thought they didn't know this one.

[7:48] Jasmine: You know the tavern's on its way.

[7:53] Conner: Nat 20.

[7:54] Jasmine: There it is.

[7:55] Conner: Okay.

[7:56] Jasmine: All right.

[7:57] Conner: It's Christmas.

[7:58] Jasmine: It's Critmas, baby.

[7:59] Conner: Yeah, Critmas.

[8:00] Jasmine: Merry Chrysler.

[8:01] Conner: Merry Chrysler.

[8:02] Jasmine: The millennials have...

[8:03] Conner: We're going to use this hour to talk about all of our most shameful moments from 2024 that we hope to exercise before the year's end.

[8:10] Jasmine: Absolutely.

[8:11] Conner: We will be ritualistically speaking them upon the fire of the podcast.

[8:16] Jasmine: Yes, we've started an actual fire here in the dressing room.

[8:19] Conner: We're burning paper.

[8:20] Jasmine: We've locked the door.

[8:21] Conner: A lot of people are knocking from the outside.

[8:23] Jasmine: People say the smoke is getting everywhere.

[8:26] Conner: They seem really upset and concerned, but we don't care.

[8:28] Jasmine: We're in here basking in the warmth of friendship.

[8:31] Conner: They keep saying the fire marshal is here, but I don't know him.

[8:34] Jasmine: The searing, searing heat.

[8:35] Conner: They put me in a bear suit?

[8:38] Jasmine: Jasmine is knitting.

[8:39] Conner: Jasmine is knitting, but the best is I'm staring at this cookie cake that we brought.

[8:44] Jasmine: It is a reward for finishing the podcast.

[8:47] Conner: You don't want to eat?

[8:48] Jasmine: Just take a little cookie cake.

[8:49] Conner: I mean, ASMR, does anybody want to hear me chew on cookie cake?

[8:51] Jasmine: I want to hear you chew on cookie cake.

[8:52] Conner: I've got an edit.

[8:53] Jasmine: If it's too much, we can edit it out.

[8:55] Conner: But here, yeah, get into this cookie cake.

[8:57] Jasmine: All right, here we go.

[8:58] Conner: You're all about to hear something.

[8:59] Jasmine: Wait, are they little rings?

[9:00] Conner: They're not just little cuties.

[9:01] Jasmine: Some of them are rings?

[9:03] Conner: Yes, it has little cutie pie rings.

[9:04] Jasmine: Oh, we all get little Christmas treasures.

[9:05] Conner: It's amazing.

[9:06] Jasmine: Here we go.

[9:07] Conner: Here's ASMR, everybody.

[9:10] Jasmine: Ah!

[9:11] Conner: Ooh, yeah.

[9:12] Jasmine: That gave me the tingles.

[9:13] Conner: That was a plastic container opening.

[9:17] Jasmine: This is the price tag flapping.

[9:20] Conner: And this is me taking in the scent of it.

[9:24] Jasmine: Oh, God.

[9:26] Conner: I've never been less tingled ever.

[9:30] Jasmine: But are you tingled?

[9:31] Conner: When have you been the most tingled?

[9:32] Jasmine: Oh, listen.

[9:33] Conner: Can I tell you, this is super real.

[9:36] Jasmine: When I heard the term ASMR, I was so relieved,

[9:40] Conner: because I just thought I was a pervert who really loved haircuts my whole life.

[9:45] Jasmine: I just thought that I loved going to the doctor, man.

[9:47] Conner: I'd be at the doctor, and you'd be on the table,

[9:50] Jasmine: and it'd be quiet, and then somebody would be like,

[9:52] Conner: it was the crinkling of the paper,

[9:54] Jasmine: and then quietly somebody would be like,

[9:56] Conner: breathe in, breathe out.

[9:58] Jasmine: And I would just be like,

[9:59] Conner: I would get this cascade of euphoria,

[10:03] Jasmine: and I'd just be like, I'm a fucking pervert.

[10:05] Conner: What is wrong with me?

[10:07] Jasmine: I looked forward, and I was like,

[10:09] Conner: hell yes, doctor.

[10:10] Jasmine: Well, you may still be a pervert.

[10:12] Conner: Oh, yeah, for sure.

[10:13] Jasmine: This doesn't rule that out.

[10:14] Conner: No, no.

[10:15] Jasmine: But it puts you in the comforting community of many other perverts.

[10:19] Conner: It did the thing that the internet can do at its best,

[10:21] Jasmine: where it just showed me like,

[10:23] Conner: hey, this is a normal thing, and you're not on your own.

[10:25] Jasmine: And in fact,

[10:26] Conner: Here are your people.

[10:27] Jasmine: Yeah, here are your people,

[10:28] Conner: and here's a whole bunch of cute girls tapping on water bottles.

[10:32] Jasmine: Forever for you to listen to.

[10:34] Conner: There's something for everyone.

[10:36] Jasmine: My gross fact about me is extractions,

[10:39] Conner: like skin extractions.

[10:40] Jasmine: Don't gross me out.

[10:41] Conner: You like watching pimples get popped?

[10:43] Jasmine: I find it relaxing sometimes.

[10:44] Conner: Oh, it's incredible.

[10:45] Jasmine: It's incredible.

[10:46] Conner: Incredible.

[10:47] Jasmine: And then we're talking about tonsil stones.

[10:49] Conner: We're talking about ear extractions.

[10:51] Jasmine: Conner, you just blinked.

[10:52] Conner: Tonsil stones are calcified stones that form in your tonsils if you still have them over time from eating food.

[10:58] Jasmine: Whoa.

[10:59] Conner: And oh, they're gnarly.

[11:01] Jasmine: Oh, they're gnarly.

[11:02] Conner: That big piece of cookie cake that you've got.

[11:04] Jasmine: Not at all, baby, but even if it did, guess what?

[11:06] Conner: I could handle it.

[11:07] Jasmine: You could just stare right at a fucking pimple-popping video and eat a cookie?

[11:11] Conner: Yeah.

[11:12] Jasmine: Yeah.

[11:13] Conner: I don't have a problem separating those two things.

[11:15] Jasmine: Yeah, I can separate gross from me doing other things.

[11:18] Conner: Also, not necessarily gross.

[11:20] Jasmine: Very human.

[11:21] Conner: I just find it very relaxing.

[11:22] Jasmine: It's just the idea of clearing away something that doesn't serve you.

[11:25] Conner: I just also like, yeah, it would feel so good.

[11:29] Jasmine: I look at the, like, what are the ones that people put a bunch of foam in their ears and then they, like, pull out?

[11:35] Conner: Oh, like ear candling?

[11:36] Jasmine: It's not an ear candling,

[11:38] Conner: but the ear candling is great, too.

[11:39] Jasmine: But it's like I've seen, there's somebody who, like, puts a string in the ear and they put a bunch of blue foam and then they just pull out the whole thing and it, like, just, oh, God, it looks, oh, it looks great.

[11:50] Conner: I asked my doctor about it.

[11:56] Jasmine: My doctor was like, that's not healthy.

[11:58] Conner: Don't do that.

[11:59] Jasmine: And I was like, God damn it.

[12:00] Conner: But, yeah, anything where it's, like, get, pull stuff out of body, except maybe mouth, like, tooth stuff.

[12:07] Jasmine: It's not the same for me.

[12:09] Conner: No.

[12:10] Jasmine: Just because I get a really visceral reaction.

[12:12] Conner: But if you're into teeth, good for you.

[12:14] Jasmine: No judgment here.

[12:16] Conner: I think.

[12:17] Jasmine: We're describing perhaps two different niches.

[12:21] Conner: Those who are into teeth might not necessarily be the same as those who are into seeing the teeth pulled.

[12:26] Jasmine: Sure.

[12:27] Conner: And then there's Frederick Nietzsche, who's a whole other guy.

[12:30] Jasmine: Did I say it wrong?

[12:31] Conner: Wasn't this a holiday episode?

[12:32] Jasmine: This is Christmas.

[12:33] Conner: Yeah.

[12:34] Jasmine: I love it.

[12:35] Conner: I am believing this Christmas.

[12:36] Jasmine: You started eating.

[12:37] Conner: You started eating.

[12:38] Jasmine: I mean, that's a thing, too.

[12:39] Conner: I mean, I think, I'll take a stab at a segue here.

[12:42] Jasmine: This is, like, it's very comfy family vibes, right?

[12:45] Conner: Oh, yeah.

[12:46] Jasmine: When you're at home and it's, like, people are being weird and all of a sudden it's the thing where, like, you just walk downstairs with no pants on and go, like, hey, is the ham ready yet? Like, it's just that there's something nice about being, I miss it.

[12:59] Conner: Like, I miss these big family gatherings where, like, my whole family used to, like, the cousins would come, the aunts and uncles would come, we'd have 12 people in one house and, like, everybody's on top of each other for four days and we've been doing this for six, seven, eight years and all of a sudden it's just, like, nobody gives a shit anymore.

[13:15] Jasmine: There's just, like, utter, it's like family locker room vibes.

[13:19] Conner: Yeah.

[14:04] Conner Marx: That was my Tim Allen. I was more of a Wilson gal myself. I liked the mystery of him.

[14:08] Maddie Murphy: Sure. What that mouth do, no one knows.

[14:12] Conner Marx: I mean, it talks.

[14:14] Maddie Murphy: We can't even confirm that there is one.

[14:16] Conner Marx: Yeah. And something's talking.

[14:18] Maddie Murphy: What a... I wish... Jasmine, please double down and make that your theory about home improvement.

[14:22] Conner Marx: He has no mouth.

[14:25] Maddie Murphy: Biblically accurate Wilson. Just eyeballs and like thoughts.

[14:29] Conner Marx: Oh yeah, the angels. Yeah, absolutely.

[14:33] Maddie Murphy: Oh, man. Yeah, I don't know.

[14:35] Conner Marx: Just eat that off the floor.

[14:36] Maddie Murphy: Not floor. Carpet. It's such a crucial distinction. Carpet.

[14:40] Conner Marx: Eating something off the floor is fine.

[14:43] Maddie Murphy: Eating icing off the car- icing is inherently adhesive to eat icing off the carpet.

[14:48] Conner Marx: Here's what happened. Here's what happened.

[14:50] Maddie Murphy: But also eating stuff off the floor is fine.

[14:52] Conner Marx: Here's what happened.

[14:53] Maddie Murphy: It depends on the object and also the length of time on the floor.

[14:57] Conner Marx: My fistful of cookie cake, because I have not brought any plates or utensils.

[15:03] Maddie Murphy: My fistful of cookie cake crumbled a bit and some icing slash frosting fell on the floor and had a panicked moment where I'm like, if I leave it, I'm going to step on it and smush it in the carpet. So the only solution, the only solution here was have to eat it right now.

[15:18] Conner Marx: Couldn't leave it on the floor. It would get smushed.

[15:20] Maddie Murphy: Look, I'm on your side and I say this just to paint a fuller picture for our audience. Maddie is sitting directly- is touching a trash can right now.

[15:30] Conner Marx: Thank you. I was thinking it. I was like, whoa, I forgot to look left.

[15:35] Maddie Murphy: The kind of trash can that has paper towels right over it.

[15:39] Conner Marx: Could not be easier to clean it up.

[15:41] Maddie Murphy: Sometimes I will- I'm sorry, I interrupted.

[15:44] Conner Marx: No, it's okay. Because I was about to reveal something that might be construed as sad, as a saddy Maddie. So I'm actually going to let you continue.

[15:50] Maddie Murphy: Sometimes I have a reflex, I guess, or just an impulse. You know, like I will see something that I can't identify, just like a little piece of something, and I'll just put it in my mouth.

[16:02] Conner Marx: Ooh, like a baby.

[16:03] Maddie Murphy: Fucking toddler?

[16:03] Conner Marx: Yeah.

[16:04] Maddie Murphy: Well, not like to- I don't know. I just assume it's a crumb.

[16:08] Conner Marx: When has this backfired on you? When has it been a bug or a marble?

[16:12] Maddie Murphy: What's the worst thing you've ever put in your mouth? Also, Merry Christmas.

[16:14] Conner Marx: I don't know. That's like maybe gravel.

[16:16] Maddie Murphy: I don't know.

[16:18] Conner Marx: Okay, Murray just exploded. The cookie cake was halfway to his mouth.

[16:21] Maddie Murphy: That frosting is now all up in that beard, which is a face carpet.

[16:25] Conner Marx: Face carpet.

[16:27] Maddie Murphy: Oh, man. I just did the same thing because I was like, I'm going to drop this. My only recourse is to cram it into my face as hard as I can.

[16:35] Conner Marx: What is that instinct? It's mine too, where I'm like, I can't let any crumbs go. I will- if food is falling at all, I will reach for it like it's the heart of the ocean and try to catch it in my mouth before even the possibility of being like, it's gone.

[16:49] Maddie Murphy: No.

[16:49] Conner Marx: What is the- do you guys get the thing where if you drop something, your impulse is to kick it?

[16:55] Maddie Murphy: Yeah.

[16:55] Conner Marx: Like whatever's falling, I think if I throw out my foot, it won't break.

[16:59] Maddie Murphy: Yeah, exactly.

[17:00] Conner Marx: It's a kick save is what I'm saying.

[17:01] Maddie Murphy: Yeah, but like-

[17:02] Conner Marx: I'm trying to fucking stall Hacky Sack.

[17:04] Maddie Murphy: Knives, glass jars, anything. I'll throw my foot just on impulse.

[17:08] Conner Marx: Is that if it falls from my hand height, it's going to break. If I stop it first and it falls from that now stopped height, it might not.

[17:16] Maddie Murphy: Yeah, 1000% I'm with you.

[17:18] Conner Marx: That's how it works.

[17:19] Maddie Murphy: See, if it's within range of my hands or my mouth, I'm functionally trying to eat it. If it falls beyond that range, then I turn into a cat and it's a danger and I jump away from it like it's lightning. Once it's below my waist, I switch and I stop trying to consume it and I will jump six feet in the air. So a little different. I have a different reaction.

[17:41] Conner Marx: I cook barefoot at home all the time.

[17:44] Maddie Murphy: The barefoot Contesso.

[17:45] Conner Marx: Me, the barefoot count.

[17:49] Maddie Murphy: Right. Is that what a Contesso is? A lady count?

[17:53] Conner Marx: Never thought about it before. It makes sense, but never thought about it.

[17:55] Maddie Murphy: Honestly, I would-

[17:56] Conner Marx: No, that's a Countess.

[17:58] Maddie Murphy: A Countess. A Contesso.

[18:00] Conner Marx: I like Contesso too.

[18:01] Maddie Murphy: I like Contesso.

[18:02] Conner Marx: Yeah, I'll take it. The barefoot Contesso. That's me scrambling eggs in my flip flops.

[18:06] Maddie Murphy: But like, yeah, I'll drop a knife and I've absolutely done the thing where I'm like, nope, get out of there.

[18:10] Conner Marx: I'll kick a knife.

[18:12] Maddie Murphy: Yeah, I'll kick a knife.

[18:15] Conner Marx: I don't recommend it. It's not a wise move.

[18:17] Maddie Murphy: But again, we're exercising the demons of 2024.

[18:20] Conner Marx: Also that kind of thing again to Christmas it like where there's that's this is these are memories for me for core Christmas is like this is the vibe where you just like walk in like you're just you wake up from a like, you know, 1.30pm nap because who cares? Nothing's going on. You walk into the kitchen and Uncle Connor's bleeding from the foot get the knife and you're just like, what's happening?

[18:41] Maddie Murphy: One of my favorite Thanksgiving memories of all time my sisters and I still quote it is my dad. I love my dad so much. I am a nerd partly because of my dad where he's just like such a history buff and he gets so excited about things and he'll latch on to things and one year it was he got an electric turkey carver and he plugs and a this man is wearing a not a chef's jacket, but a costume chef's jacket meaning it is it is paper thin because because he found a hollow that year a Halloween costume was liquidating its its inventory and he went I'll buy the lot from you and I'll resell all of it on eBay which actually worked pretty well except for that's the reason why my father to this day owns 60 costume chef jackets several body padding suits like one to go around your hips Wanda and a raccoon mascot that I took to college with me because my dad bought the liquefied inventory and couldn't resell this uniform like a for a for a seven foot tall man it is a body suit and a head near a furry outfit yeah I wore I brought that to college and I would come to parties as the raccoon that kicks ass it does that's dope but anyway so my father back to the story my father in his fake chef's jacket that he would use his aprons and then literally would wreck them and be like just throw it out it's trash um he was that and he was showing off his electric carver and he's waving around the air it needs to be said is a sawzall is a fucking chainsaw like they made these things that it was like this is an electric this is a power tool we've just made an oscillating knife blade they're insane they should not be you shouldn't be able to get one yeah functionally a fucking hedge trimmer well papa smurf had it and his hands were covered in turkey grease and he goes girls girls come in here I'm going to teach you how to carve a bird and he's waving the knife around and it's on and we're like dad be careful and he goes I've got everything under control his hand and he does the thing that I do which he went to grab it in midair oh this sounds like a horse show it's okay he just like nicked himself a little but mostly he'd been caught right he was declaring everything was under control immediately beefs it rolls in that one and then just cuts himself and it's just wiping his bloody hand on his jacket like that's a mulligan I'll teach you how to carve a bird good thing he has more inventory so we truly can't really our ultimate quote for our dad is eddie holiday is like mm-hmm I've got everything under control literally the first three minutes of every show at TST we do is we're all begging you to let go of a fucking seltzer can this is my father's influence can all be traced back to daddy yeah I mean that's that's how it goes no I'm very I'm very much so my my dad's kid um anybody got like a famous like a favorite Christmas treat Christmas injury injury actually that's not bad any other Christmas injury any sledding accidents ones dang I did once knock myself out sledding nice and then I woke up next to the skull of a fox because I was like what did I land on I had landed on a skull of what were you sledding in Narnia okay so we did call wait wait wait wait you know that foxes are real animals but there I was just trying to think of a goofy place where there'd just be fox skulls strewn about and I yeah listen ground yourself touch my chin touch my chin now we're grounded it seems more about Maddie now than us no then I will I will turn it back but anyway yes once I sled down a hill at night we went down the dangerous trail we hit a tree we bounced I think I landed on a fox skull we woke up at some point later and we're fine and then went to a sonic I have to do the thing where I interrupt a whole social flow because I have a little bit of paranoia in my brain okay I didn't mean all about you like the podcast is about you I meant people touching your chin is like a thing that's now for your edification than ours ground me you said no I can hand it back I was like shit Maddie thinks I'm saying that she's hogging the podcast I don't mean that and I will never think another thought for the rest of my life until I stop everything to clarify this that's what I took it to mean oh no not touching okay the correct one I I thought you were saying the thing that you were worried that I thought you were right and you said see and I'm glad so we if you've seen the show we do a shot of uh success and or celebration a shot of shame yeah and uh this same moment happened on stage when I had a shot of shame and which I know very well the convention is like this shame goes to what and I was like white guys and the response was just muffled enough that I tried to go right into combat and be like okay first up an initiative is and I was like fuck I have to address it and then I was like all right everybody I wasn't like cheers to white people and it's important that I clarify that because otherwise you're in for another two hours of wondering if there's a white supremacist on stage with four fem percenting women too yeah you know the the dangers of improv but anyway I did uh no worries I have been talking a lot and would like to we want it we like it oh it's the best and also like I wish I had an injury I'm trying to think I've been sitting here trying to think if I wish I had a bloody bloody Christmas injuries but like we didn't we didn't get I've got more stories about like you know cousin walks and like nonsense and uh me and my my brother and my two cousins getting up a shenanigans I was gonna say cousin walks meaning you say hey man you want to go for a walk and then you secretly drink or get high as you escape the family for a little bit ton of weed yeah and then and then one known thing the cousin the cousin walk yeah cousin walk oh I'm I'm oh it's the best you're just like hey we're gonna like or especially if you can really disguise it if you're like oh oh you need milk from the store well I'll go and then all three cousins are like I could go for a walk and you're like yep we'll go for a walk just going to get some milk at the 7-eleven you come back an hour and a half later you know you got distracted we've got like pockets full of fireworks we're all red-eyed like yeah I never knew that you would like call it the cousin walk but that is absolutely a relatable thing it is because my cousins and I would be like we're gonna go look at the lights and then we'd come back 45 minutes later and just be like lights were great they're all on I taught my 22 year old cousin about them two years ago because we there are separate apartments at my in-laws like they have their apartment and then they also own an apartment in a building two floors down which is pretty chill because it's like a you know guest house essentially but we we left and came back in and it was like RAs walking into a dorm room we were like Noah and he was like what just listening to records and we were like you've been fucking smoking weed in here and he was like no and I was like brother you've it I know this smell and it smells like weed blown through a fucking dryer sheet and it smells like weed blow through a dryer sheet you dumbass is that a thing oh yeah in college you used to take a Gatorade bottle and you poke some holes in down now this is just Alex teaches kids how to not no I can back you up we also did this in college so I was like I know it yeah you take some dryer sheets and you stick them in the Gatorade bottle and you're like here's how they'll never know and you take a fucking bong rip the sides of Idaho and then you blow it through a dryer sheet in a Gatorade bottle and you're like haha that filtered it out it does not so you're putting your mouth around the bottle hole and poke holes in the bottom so then you're yes so the idea is you blow the smoke over the dryer sheets and it filters them I always think you were holding the dryer sheet like a dental dam that's a three-hand process at least yeah so you get a buddy so one person's holding the dryer sheet with two hands chuck hold the fucking put the dryer damn on my face man

[27:09] Conner Marx: I am cool over the top of the bong. Yeah, I mean just goofy shit. And it was just very funny. I was like you are in your aunt's apartment. My brother. There's a park across the street. What are you doing? And he was like, oh leave walk out. He's from Tennessee though, and it's mad illegal there. So I guess that's something to do with it. But I do love the cousin walk.

[27:35] Maddie Murphy: Oh, the classic cousin walk. It's great.

[27:38] Conner Marx: Or this or the like. Before that, there was for our in our house, there was some underage drinking is allowed on the 23rd and 24th. As long as you're as long as you're like just at home, not Christmas Day. Oh, probably Christmas Day, too. But Christmas, you're too hung over on Christmas Day.

[27:56] Maddie Murphy: Well, attention. We had to go to church on Christmas Day. So you can't you can't fucking have a couple of drinks and then go to church. Unless your dad. But, yeah.

[28:10] Conner Marx: I feel like that hit a moment late for Maddie.

[28:15] Maddie Murphy: I'm in the trash can. I see the trash now.

[28:22] Conner Marx: Yeah, man. Oh, it's just also I'm OK. No trauma for me over here. I'm sorry. There's no.

[28:26] Maddie Murphy: Oh, no, that's why I'm mostly quiet. I'm like, I don't have a lot of childhood things that are going to be fun or nice. So I'm just like, how about now? How about now? Yeah. What are good Christmas traditions now? Bullshit. And so now I make really nice Christmases and holidays for myself.

[28:42] Jasmine Malave: What are you knitting? I love I'm making a baby hat.

[28:45] Conner Marx: Oh, my niece. Oh, so what are the I know that you were so stoked. You finished your Christmas decorations recently. Yeah. So what are like what is your favorite sort of decor? Or do you go all out as every room covered and stuff or other special little pieces?

[29:01] Maddie Murphy: Oh, everything is just like nothing is like special per se. Like nothing's like family heirloom or anything like that. But for me, the tree was always a really big one because the tree was like this point of contention in my home growing up. Because we had a fake tree that had to get put up and I fucking hated that thing.

[29:18] Conner Marx: And it's pointy. God, it was such a pain in my ass.

[29:21] Maddie Murphy: Got to fluff the tree.

[29:23] Conner Marx: Yeah, you had to fluff it. And all the thing took so fucking long. We had one of those big bay windows in the front of our house. So we had to do like this really giant one. I had to do like a ladder to put it all together. And it was one branch at a time. And you had to fucking fluff it and have to decorate the whole tree. And my mom would make me do it by myself every year. And like I'd get fluff cuts.

[29:40] Conner Marx: Yeah.

[29:44] Maddie Murphy: And I like didn't care at the time because I was like wasting my time. We have to put on gloves for our face.

[29:48] Conner Marx: Yeah. Not in this economy.

[29:52] Maddie Murphy: And so I like refuse. I won't have a fake tree ever again. And so getting my tree every year as early as possible, putting it up and having all the decorations up is like my. Yay. I have a nice thing now and it's not a pain in my ass. And when it's done, like, I don't know, it's just like taking back the holiday bullshit and making it my now that I'm an adult.

[30:08] Jasmine Malave: I also want to mention that as Jasmine is knitting, she's also wearing a ring of a stocking with a smiley face.

[30:14] Conner Marx: That is from the cookie cake. Yep. I'm going to wear it on stage. Perfect. How about you, buddy? You got like a Christmas tradition from now or back in the day or an injury. You may talk about a great hurt or any drama you want to.

[30:30] Maddie Murphy: I'm in Jasmine's camp. I'm trying to like go through my memories and cherry pick the ones that I think are jovial enough to pass muster for a podcast.

[30:44] Conner Marx: So people can see all my deep trauma.

[30:51] Maddie Murphy: Yeah, it's a fine line. The trauma is part of it. Like, I mean, I understand. I understand. Like the the the amount of trauma to like time ratio is a tricky, a sticky wicket.

[31:00] Conner Marx: Yeah, I'll say I won't.

[31:07] Maddie Murphy: But I love celebrating Christmas these days. To be clear, I love celebrating Christmas as a child as well. You know, what's your favorite thing to do for Christmas nowadays? If you could, if you would just pick as an adult.

[31:16] Conner Marx: So for the last couple of years, I have had some friends in Seattle and I have tended to spend Christmas with them. And we all have these matching red flannel.

[31:34] Maddie Murphy: Is it a nightie like the shirt?

[31:39] Conner Marx: Yeah, but like not in the is oversized. It is the right size. I'm I'm here for nightgowns.

[31:42] Maddie Murphy: And I got so much. I have so much to say about them. Please continue.

[31:44] Conner Marx: I would just wear a matching nightgowns around and just have cozy time. I'm putting a big premium on cozy these days.

[31:52] Maddie Murphy: And I'm a sucker for whatever is cozy. Do you have a stockinette cap yet? Because that seems like now you have to get one of those.

[31:55] Conner Marx: Yes, we do have. No, I actually wear this. This is my candle holder for a single candle that you light and walk around. I have failed myself. I've let younger Connor down.

[32:09] Conner Marx: I brought this up to Connor yesterday, but I have an ongoing prank against my dad, which is it started last year. I showed up to his house, dressed as Ebenezer Scrooge in the nightgown and the hat asking him what year it was. And then he unwrapped his present and it was a matching Ebenezer Scrooge that he begrudgingly put on. And I've already got 60 of these. You couldn't buy one for me. God damn it.

[32:33] Maddie Murphy: And again, my dad, who who I who is delightedly baffled by my life decisions all the time is truly like, what do you mean? I was like, you got to put it on. And if I were home for Christmas this year, what I would do is show up with. It's going to it's getting increasingly elaborate. It's like next year there's going to be a candelabra. After that, I got a weasel in my sister to become Marley like it's going to become more and more great.

[33:00] Maddie Murphy: I'm going to get your sister to show up the day before as Marley.

[33:06] Conner Marx: Yeah, really, where it's going to be like just your sister, like put a ladder of the side of his house and like bang on his window. I'm going to loop in my little sister. She's a teenager. She's going to let us sneak in as my dad's sleeping. We're going to rattle those chains. It's going to be great. But I love it.

[33:15] Maddie Murphy: Full gray makeup, smoke, VFX.

[33:24] Conner Marx: All right. I'm going to need prosthetics. I need a pulley system so I can suspend in the air. This is like I because I'm a white shithead of a certain age. I've watched a whole lot of like Jackass and Bam Margera and like Tom Green. And this is all smacks greatly of like this is my dad. Yes, I've I've told and I'm told told him this is coming and he doesn't believe it. And that's that's my power. He underestimates this.

[33:45] Maddie Murphy: But anyway, to bring it back, love the nightgown and a cap.

[33:49] Conner Marx: If you never actually put one on and client and gotten into a cold winter bedroom and cried, climbed into bed. I'm telling you, there is stock in that.

[33:58] Maddie Murphy: And then in the middle of the night, you wrote you rose from your bed to see what's the matter. And there was a runner. You throw back the sash and you see this weird man. And you get to learn a life lesson.

[34:11] Conner Marx: And then he dies and then you have to be Santa Claus. I'm just saying there's something there's something about having a breeze available to your undercarriage as you walk.

[34:20] Maddie Murphy: And having just a light little hat on your head is very comfy.

[34:25] Conner Marx: And Connor, I am glad that you you have the same experience.

[34:28] Maddie Murphy: Thank you. So good.

[34:33] Conner Marx: Yeah. The Christmas costumery. Right. Is good. How do you get. OK, here's a question for the room. How do you all feel about the ugly Christmas sweater?

[34:41] Maddie Murphy: I think we've strayed far.

[34:48] Conner Marx: I love it. I don't like all the weird bullshit we've added to them that they're not sweaters anymore.

[34:55] Maddie Murphy: Oh, sure. Yeah.

[34:57] Conner Marx: Yeah. Or they're trying to thread the line of ugly, but purchasable. Like I think that there were in a really kitschy, organic, beautiful way. Ugly Christmas sweaters as a thing that shit that my mom wore in the 90s. Unironically.

[35:12] Maddie Murphy: Yeah.

[35:12] Conner Marx: But also we are manufacturing them in such a way that feels like we have inherently created some sort of divide between the intention and the effect.

[35:21] Maddie Murphy: Yes.

[35:21] Conner Marx: I'm also of that age where I finally appreciate a well-made, chunky wool sweater. And I go, oh, the craftsmanship.

[35:28] Maddie Murphy: Oh, but that's a Maddie's wearing a very fashionable.

[35:33] Conner Marx: Oh, yeah, sure. But it's chunky. Sure. Yeah. Listen, I'm I'm practicing what I preach, but I'm like it. This took me a while to find. It was a hunt, but a proper wool sweater.

[35:43] Maddie Murphy: And you can't.

[35:43] Conner Marx: So it's like, well, I'm are you talking about a more aggressive one? Like one that you get like lost in one that you could live in a lighthouse in.

[35:50] Maddie Murphy: Yeah, absolutely. One that if you put me in, people would just come up to me and ask if they could purchase the fish I'd caught today.

[35:56] Conner Marx: Yeah. That's the fine. And that construction is hard to find.

[36:00] Maddie Murphy: I generally sit with my feet up on the chairs that I'm on, like I kind of small ball it.

[36:06] Conner Marx: What? What? OK. I catch up. I just caught up.

[36:12] Maddie Murphy: I said I kind of small ball it. And I watched Maddie's head try to deal with it.

[36:17] Conner Marx: Because I was imagining you also in a nightgown. And I was like, I don't know if you were.

[36:21] Maddie Murphy: Yeah. Now I see you.

[36:25] Conner Marx: So my sweat. I want my sweater to be able to go over my knees.

[36:30] Maddie Murphy: I mean, the little cannonball with my little toesies.

[36:34] Conner Marx: I wouldn't guess your whole body is small.

[36:37] Maddie Murphy: Yeah.

[36:37] Conner Marx: Yeah. Then you just like look like one of those little gnomes that are very popular now.

[36:41] Maddie Murphy: Yeah. No. Tiny little testicles. Looks like that.

[36:44] Conner Marx: No.

[36:44] Maddie Murphy: Murray, pull your hat down.

[36:47] Conner Marx: I mean, Jasmine, give me your hat. Watch this.

[36:51] Maddie Murphy: So so everybody knows, like the gnomes that are sold at every T.J. Maxx Marshalls for every holiday. There's a there's an Easter gnome. There's a Christmas gnome.

[36:57] Conner Marx: We have made the discovery that Murray is said.

[37:01] Maddie Murphy: No. When he pulls a hat down.

[37:05] Conner Marx: Wow. You're the gnome. There he is.

[37:08] Maddie Murphy: Oh, there's our guy. Everybody loves a visual gag on a podcast.

[37:12] Conner Marx: Mm hmm.

[37:12] Maddie Murphy: Yeah, there's matching.

[37:14] Conner Marx: Well, you're taking a lot of photos of these.

[37:17] Maddie Murphy: That's true. Company. The listening experience. I think so. They'll be somewhere for sure.

[37:23] Maddie Murphy: My sister and I used to sleep in the same room on Christmas Eve.

[37:26] Conner Marx: That's so sweet.

[37:28] Maddie Murphy: And it was like a that was like a special time.

[37:30] Conner Marx: It's a tradition.

[37:31] Maddie Murphy: Yeah. We didn't do this at other points, but yeah.

[37:34] Conner Marx: What did you do in terms of like, did we make a thing of it or play games?

[37:36] Maddie Murphy: Yeah, did you like stay up and like tell stories or anything or hang out?

[37:39] Maddie Murphy: My brother and I used to stay up and chatter all night.

[37:41] Conner Marx: We did a bit. You know, I think that we were caught in the dueling forces of our own excitement.

[37:45] Maddie Murphy: Sure. About, you know, like the sooner you go to bed, the sooner you get up and it's Christmas.

[37:49] Conner Marx: You asleep yet? No man, you? No.

[37:52] Maddie Murphy: One central Christmas.

[37:54] Conner Marx: Yeah, yeah, yeah. It sucks.

[37:56] Maddie Murphy: Oh, so good.

[37:57] Conner Marx: Yeah, that's fun. Just any like these excuses to be just barely out of the ordinary.

[38:02] Maddie Murphy: And like, yeah, an excuse to like go be closer to somebody else for like a little while.

[38:06] Conner Marx: That reminded me, I think the one central Christmas and holidays have changed a lot for me. Not in a bad way, but they've evolved as I'm an adult. But the one feeling I really keep for Christmas since a kid was my sisters and I, we our parents would make a stand at the top of the landing and the way that the staircase was, was you can't see the downstairs at the very top of the landing because it curves around.

[38:31] Maddie Murphy: Yeah.

[38:31] Conner Marx: And they would make us wait and wait and wait. And then we would come extremely dangerous now racing down the stairs to behold. And we were never wealthy or anything. And then, you know, I had a badass single mom. So we'd race down and my mom would be there and we'd have some presence. But just the magic of like, what's down there? Like, and just my mom would be there with her coffee, like so proud.

[38:55] Maddie Murphy: Yeah.

[38:55] Conner Marx: Fires lit. And that sense of anticipation is what I really like. To me, the heart of anticipation is Christmas to me. Just like that. What am I? What magic will we see?

[39:05] Maddie Murphy: Yeah, I don't want to.

[39:07] Conner Marx: I was going to ask if anybody ever had like a Ralphie gets his gun.

[39:10] Maddie Murphy: Oh, yeah.

[39:10] Conner Marx: My Christmas.

[39:12] Maddie Murphy: Oh, yeah.

[39:12] Conner Marx: It was the Nintendo 64 for us, too.

[39:15] Maddie Murphy: Oh, it was the Ninja Turtles van.

[39:18] Conner Marx: Fuck yeah. Hell yeah.

[39:20] Maddie Murphy: Yeah. Pop the pop the side door out. You could have wrath for somebody sitting in the door.

[39:24] Conner Marx: Mine was a piece of lunch on the top, man. My brother and I fucked each other up with that piece of lunch and just straight up disks of plastic at each other. It was awesome.

[39:31] Maddie Murphy: Mine was a lovesack.

[39:31] Conner Marx: Yeah.

[39:33] Maddie Murphy: Yeah. Big old basically big, fancy bean bag. And I spent the entire day jumping off the landing into it, practicing my flips.

[39:42] Conner Marx: Guys, I don't know how to flip. So it was just me, just me careening across the living room into a sack of foam.

[39:48] Maddie Murphy: Oh, God. I love that.

[39:49] Conner Marx: Like, it's still just it's always just been you hurling yourself around, maybe covered in some blood with a big smile on your face like I do it.

[39:54] Maddie Murphy: I like to pretend I can fly.

[39:57] Conner Marx: Touch my chin. Ground, everybody.

[39:59] Maddie Murphy: Merry Christmas to you.

[40:10] Conner Marx: Nat 20!

[40:23] Conner Marx: Nat 20!