This transcript was automatically generated and might contain errors.

[0:30] Maddie: Sup, everybody! Welcome to Ale and Well Met! The Twenty Sided Podcast. This is a very special holiday one-shot episode. I am sitting here with my amazing players. If they will go around and please introduce themselves.

[0:41] Will Champion: Hi, I'm Will. I'm happy to be here.

[0:54] Jasmin Malave: Wonderful. I'm Jasmin. Ready to be dumb.

[0:58] Alex Stompoly: And hey, everybody, it's Stomp. Happy to be here, baby. Thanks for having us.

[1:03] Maddie: Thank you so much for being here. I want to also give credit to Alex Murray, who is the amazing producer. I'm in the room as per. And I am Maddy. I will be acting as your HM, Holiday Master, today.

[1:14] Will Champion: I love their clothes.

[1:16] Jasmin Malave: Oh, we love them.

[1:18] Alex Stompoly: Fast fashion, but great storytelling.

[1:20] Maddie: So with that, we are doing a completely customized one-shot and our amazing players are going to be really making up their characters and solving a holiday mystery as we go. So just a little bit of preamble and we'll get right into it. First and foremost, this one shot. I was being so professional. I almost forgot. Here we go, fuckers. But it's a special one shot Christmas time and all the holidays, New Year's Eve, Easter and a bunch of other stuff with but up. But D-20, that's not 20.

[2:00] Will Champion: I wish people could see the joy that was on my face. That was so beautiful.

[2:07] Jasmin Malave: Can we all go net 20?

[2:11] Maddie: Yeah, the circle of the holiday. We'll fix it in post. Perfect. Okay. Thank you so much. Now back to being ultra business HM. So first and foremost, I want to give credit. This one shot is inspired by rules created by James D'Amato, who is the creator of the podcast One Shot. It's amazing. You should give it a listen if you'd like to, as well as Lasers and Feelings by John Harper. Rules have been tweaked to fit this particular story arc, but we want to give credence to the people who provided the inspo. Now, y'all, here we go. This is the synopsis of our adventure. One year ago, Santa was kidnapped. Shortly thereafter, various other holiday figures also disappeared mysteriously with holiday spirit waning worldwide.

A unique strike force team has been formed to uncover this mystery and rescue the holiday scions led by the SIA, the Spirit Intelligence Agency, and in collaboration with MI-69, Mirth Intelligence, 69th Division. This ragtag group has followed the kidnappers' trail to their final holdout in the South Pole.

[3:13] Maddie: You are the elite liberation force. The goal, neutralize the enemy and successfully extract Santa, the Easter Bunny, Baby New Year, Mr. President, and Pumpy the King, the very well-known and completely accepted spirit of Halloween. I will be taking no questions. Now, first and foremost, everyone, you have to roll your stats for your characters. Will, Jasmin, Stomp, and myself will be playing the basically the B-list holiday figures who serve the holiday scions. So your stats are one, assail, which is attack, defense, physical ability. Basically, how do you fight, bro? So will each of you please give me a roll? Keep in mind, none of you can have a max stat of six. So if we get a six, do we bump it to a five or do we re-roll?

[4:00] Alex Stompoly: Ooh.

[4:02] Maddie: Which you and a cohort will complete a challenge.

[4:04] Will Champion: You're gonna re-roll? Chaos, baby.

[4:05] Maddie: All right, this is for assail.

[4:06] Will Champion: Six, I gotta re-roll.

[4:08] Maddie: A two.

[4:08] Alex Stompoly: Oh, damn.

[4:11] Maddie: Two for Stomp, four for Jazz. Three for Will. Wonderful. Okay, please roll for your next stat, which is espionage, stealth investigation comprehension.

[4:15] Jasmin Malave: Oh, a four, I'll take it.

[4:18] Maddie: Four fours on espionage, okay.

[4:22] Will Champion: Yeah, well, we are the elite squad.

[4:22] Maddie: You are the elite liberation force. Okay, next stat, survival, things like medicine, nature, improvised weapons.

[4:26] Jasmin Malave: Oh, I'm not good at surviving.

[4:28] Maddie: Oh, I have to re-roll. I got a six. That's upsetting.

[4:31] Will Champion: Make money, big money. We're bad at this.

[4:34] Maddie: A five. So far, no ones.

[4:37] Alex Stompoly: Dang it. I got a one just now.

[4:39] Maddie: Oh, that was my one. Thank you. Otherwise, this adventure might be ten minutes. I think this works, though. This makes sense to me. You'll see in a moment. And then the final stat, spirit, the vaguest. It's your inherent connectivity to holiday spirit.

[4:48] Jasmin Malave: Two.

[4:51] Maddie: A middling three. Wonderful. Those are solid stats.

[4:56] Will Champion: Yeah, I'm not mad about that. So, yeah, real quick, let's go through it. Will, what are your stats? Wait, also, first of all, just to point out, it's assail, espionage, survival, spirit, right? That's ace.

[5:10] Maddie: Okay, you caught my little Easter egg.

[5:16] Will Champion: Easter egg, baby. Assail, three. Espionage, four. Survival, two. Spirit, four.

[5:22] Maddie: Okay, so you are a highly effective spiritual agent who maybe can't fight that well, but we'll see. Jasmine, you.

[5:28] Jasmin Malave: I am assail, four. Espionage, four. Survival, nah. And spirit, two.

[5:36] Maddie: Ooh, excellent. So you're like an incredible agent, but...

[5:41] Jasmin Malave: Yep, that's it. Spirit and survival will be low.

[5:44] Maddie: And Stomp?

[5:49] Alex Stompoly: Yeah, assail, two. Espionage, four. Survival, five. And spirit, three.

[5:53] Maddie: Yeah, and when you meet this person, I think that makes sense. I'm so excited. So now with that, everyone, stats have been determined, and I think each of our characters now is going to quickly introduce their character, and we're going to get started. But real quick, so with stats, here are the rules of rolling. Each of you must roll beneath your appropriate stat number to determine success on your action. So basically, if you want to do something, we're going to determine your stat. If you roll below it, you got it. However, if you roll exactly your stat number, then it's a holiday miracle. It can mean either you ask me, the HM, to get insight, or you can get an automatic success on your initiative. Okay? And then final thing, surprise, bitches! Each of you roll a d6 one more time.

[6:41] Will Champion: Oh no, I'm afraid.

[6:44] Alex Stompoly: Four.

[6:46] Jasmin Malave: Oh, one! Okay, Jasmine, Erwil, you both rolled a four, so I'm going to ask one of you to roll again.

[6:50] Will Champion: I'm a bad roller. You should have it.

[6:56] Alex Stompoly: Three.

[6:59] Maddie: Okay, so you got a one, Stomp. That means you get one piece of specialized equipment. This is a bandolier of sharpened throwing candy canes. It's a ranged weapon. You have six.

[7:11] Jasmin Malave: Jasmine, you have a four. That is a gold coin, meaning, look, you will flip an actual coin. If heads, you can re-roll once. If tails, no go.

[7:23] Alex Stompoly: Okay, and it's done, so if I do a tails, it's just gone?

[7:27] Maddie: Yeah, basically this is you attempting a re-roll. You get one re-roll at a critical point. Okay, and then final thing, William, three?

[7:35] Will Champion: Yes.

[7:36] Maddie: You get an actual turkey. It's an animal companion. I've never been in a re-roll in my whole life.

[7:40] Will Champion: So I will ask you upon your character introduction, you will also have to name and justify the turkey. Also, I would like to establish, because I specifically googled this, it is an American turkey. They cannot fly well.

[7:55] Maddie: That's because they're so jacked. They're huge.

[7:58] Alex Stompoly: They got giant, juicy, meaty donks.

[8:00] Maddie: Yeah. So again, I thought about this, and I went, they cannot fly well. Just, okay. So with that, I'm going to set the scene, and then let y'all do your introductions, and we'll go from there. Net 20!

[8:16] Will Champion: Okay.

[8:16] Maddie: I fucking missed it. All right, my elite liberation force. In the snowy darkness of the South Pole, we see a ragtag, desperate group, army crawling silently through a snowstorm. This group of agents, once minor forces of holiday spirit, are now turned into weapons of espionage due to circumstance and disaster. And they have been on their mission for months, traversing entire continents to unravel this dark mystery. As they've toiled, the world has suffered slowly from the absence of holiday spirit. Its effects were light at first, but as the new year creeps ever closer, we see the true devastation waning. Partridges no longer alight to pear trees. Lights don't seem to twinkle anymore. Sugar plums, what the fuck even are those? Holidays bring us together. Without them, seclusion reigns. The impetus to call your loved ones and check-in grows weaker, and the gaping desire for connectivity grows deeper.

[9:14] Maddie: Gaping.

[9:15] Jasmin Malave: Gaping.

[9:16] Maddie: The gaping hole of desire for connectivity grows deeper. Let's all just take a beat in all of our gaping holes, aching. However, the bridge to unite... I'm just gonna actually leave it at gaping holes. Humanity, in general, is desperately low on spirit. And agents, after all you have given, we now need you more than ever. Now keep in mind that this elite liberation force has lost agents, friends along the way. There was a battle with the fanged penguins, the fanguins, and the energy-sapping force known as the Aurora Borealis-less of a group of many. The eye rolls I'm getting is insane. I have no notes. Of a group of many, only four remain. We have Esther Bunny, played by Stomp. We have Topsy the Top Hat, played by me. We have Jack the Lantern, played by Will. And we have the spirit of Alexander Hamilton, but it looks like Lin-Manuel Miranda. I'm gonna consider that canonically is the full name. I'm gonna write that. Thank you.

[10:34] Will Champion: You're welcome.

[10:35] Maddie: Agents, perfect. You have followed final instructions from Agent M.R.S. Claus to this laboratory in the deep snows, and you have descended through a ceiling hatch to find yourself, hopefully, in the last leg of your mission. All clues point to our holiday figures here. Extract them, neutralize, survive. So with that, players, you have emerged into a seemingly plain-looking lobby, and there is, of course, as any good spy room, just a single door past a reception desk. What do we do?

[11:18] Alex Stompoly: Can I rifle through the reception desk and look for clues?

[11:27] Maddie: Okay, sure. Give me an espionage roll.

[11:30] Alex Stompoly: Yeah.

[11:32] Maddie: Okay, what was your espionage roll?

[11:33] Alex Stompoly: I rolled a one.

[11:34] Maddie: Okay, excellent. You see that there is a set of keys.

[11:41] Alex Stompoly: You guys, I have keys.

[11:44] Jasmin Malave: To what?

[11:47] Will Champion: Where did the keys go?

[11:50] Alex Stompoly: You can't just jangle a set of keys and expect us-

[11:54] Jasmin Malave: Is this because you live outside? Do you not know how doors work?

[11:56] Will Champion: I love Jack the Lantern so much.

[11:58] Maddie: Now, I don't think we need to bring where we were grown up and brought up into it, and it's also nice to finally hear jingles again, not since Claus disappeared. Oh, also, real quick, just before we get started, hi, this is Topsy. But also, Jack, your turkey's getting all over the place. Can you remind me his name again?

[12:18] Will Champion: This is Drumstick the Emaciated.

[12:23] Maddie: Good lord. Has that always been his name, or has it been his moniker after months of struggle?

[12:30] Will Champion: His saving grace, why he was not chosen for a great November meal. We have traveled together as members of the Autumnal Agency, a division of MI69 for years.

[12:43] Alex Stompoly: This is one of them pardon birds, isn't it? I read a lot about them. Nice to meet one in nature.

[12:49] Maddie: Topsy just immediately jumps on Drumstick's head. Loves to ride on Drumstick.

[12:53] Alex Stompoly: Drumstick sounds like a really bad set of fireplace bellows, essentially.

[12:58] Maddie: They're only semi-feathered turkeys, so if you land on Drumstick, it's just a-

[13:06] Will Champion: Do that one more time, please.

[13:08] Maddie: If you want the visuals, subscribe to the Patreon. Okay, so back at it. Esther Bunny, anything you want to do? We have keys and we have a single door.

[13:20] Jasmin Malave: Well, I don't mean to tell anyone, have we tried the keys on the door?

[13:24] Alex Stompoly: No, I just got them.

[13:26] Jasmin Malave: Well, what are you doing over there, Crisp 20? You gotta put them in somewhere.

[13:30] Will Champion: I know that, but Pumpy decided to stop everything.

[13:34] Jasmin Malave: Okay, whatever, I'm just gonna put them in the door and turn the key.

[13:38] Maddie: Uh, give me a survival roll.

[13:40] Jasmin Malave: Uh-oh.

[13:42] Alex Stompoly: Uh-oh.

[13:43] Jasmin Malave: Can I- can I roll as well?

[13:44] Maddie: Oh, I rolled it again, it's a Christmas miracle!

[13:47] Maddie: Oh, oh, Christmas miracle, yeah, excellent!

[13:50] Maddie: Okay, so what do you opt for? Do you want insight or do you want an automatic holiday success?

[13:55] Will Champion: I want... I want... I want insight!

[13:59] Maddie: Insight? Okay. This is Maddie playing a prank on you. This is the age-old thing of how long does it take D&D players to open a single door? The answer is... five minutes.

[14:08] Will Champion: That wasn't that bad.

[14:09] Maddie: No, you were great! And with that, you passed through the first chamber!

[14:13] Jasmin Malave: That's it!

[14:17] Maddie: Holiday miracle! You passed through a door! I'm so glad I asked for insight.

[14:22] Maddie: Thank you so much for joining our one-shot.

[14:24] Jasmin Malave: Thank you, because otherwise that would have been a secret I took with me to the HM grave.

[14:28] Maddie: With that, five minutes later, you pass through the door and you find yourselves in the most wonderful room you have ever seen. The door, like a haunted house, snaps shut behind you and firmly locks. There is no key on that side of the door. And in the center of this absolutely beautiful room is what appears to be a massive 30-foot diameter crystal sphere, much like a snow globe. And inside is a perfect ballerina, balanced on her pointed toe, spinning around. The sounds that you hear are angelic, the most beautiful orchestral ballet music you've ever heard. And around her, impossibly, are snow storms swirling. It's hypnotizing, magnetic, peaceful. But on top of that, around the room, you see various things that meet your fancy.

For Esther Bunny, she sees rows upon rows of the most gorgeous colored eggs you've ever seen. There is this incredible mechanized sort of rendering of Humpty Dumpty, in which he falls from the wall, splatters into a million crystalline shards, and then reforms and goes back up, all to the song of an Eastery tune. For the spirit of Alexander Hamilton, who looks exactly like Lin-Manuel Miranda, but isn't, you see an entire life-size diorama of the signing of the Constitution. And then, impossibly, they are all dancing around with incredible POC casting that respects that history sucks and that equality for all. There is something very similar to, but legally distinct from, My Shot playing. And underscored by something very similar to, but legally distinct to, It's Quiet Uptown, meaning it's slightly loud downtown.

Again, this unfurling of just incredible paper as the Constitution is formed and written. And for Jack the Lantern, what does Jack the Lantern look like? I thought you'd never ask. Jack the Lantern is an oversized pumpkin in every sense of the word. He does not have arms or legs. He was carved neatly once by some child long forgotten, and is persistently in the beginning stages of decay where the orange spots start to get nice and soft. There is a small candle inside, flickering lights, and that's about it. They do have to do a lot of rolling.

[17:33] Stomp: Oh, yeah. I was going to ask if they roll or shimmy.

[17:35] Maddie: We've been pushing them for weeks. It depends on what the terrain is. Shimmying is acceptable, and if they get vertical and roll, you can build momentum that way. It's a weapon. I'm so glad that you mentioned this. Also, pranks on you, so you roll. You don't have arms or legs.

[17:52] Will Champion: What is your survival stat?

[17:55] Stomp: Two.

[17:55] Maddie: Subtract it to one. Stats will be, as holiday miracles occur, changed. Okay. Thank you so much, Jack the Lantern. And Esther Bunny?

[18:07] Jasmin Malave: Yes. Can you describe what you look like briefly?

[18:11] Jasmin Malave: I'm gorgeous. Big, beautiful ears. I got a sun hat, but I've got holes at the top to let the ears come through. Nothing worse than having your ears pinned back, although my sister had her ears pinned back. That's how she landed her husband, but that's a story for another day. I have a lovely apron on, my gardening tools. Spring has sprung. That's how I got my first husband, but that's a story for another day.

[18:36] Maddie: God, I love you so much, Fletch Devereaux meets Rose Nylon. And Alexander Hamilton, spirit of Alexander Hamilton, who looks like Lin-Manuel Miranda?

[18:44] Will Champion: Yeah, it's the costuming from the musical. Okay, so this is fully Lin-Manuel Miranda. To me now, it's like we picked it up at a Spirit Halloween, and it says, like, man who signed famous historical document on the bag, just to get around the attorneys.

[19:00] Jasmin Malave: Founding father.

[19:01] Will Champion: Yeah. Founding daddy.

[19:03] Maddie: I'm not throwing away my chance.

[19:06] Maddie: Perfect. Wonderful. Then with that, back to it. So finally, back to Jack the Lantern. You see this incredible spread, a life-size cornucopia overfloweth with pumpkins, squashes, all kinds of your brethren, acorns, to feed sweet, sweet drumstick, the emaciated. This entire room feels constructed to evoke memories, home, sentimentality. Now, as I've described this room, and you keep in mind the scope of this, you are free to explore, but I will also note that you have already done something wrong. So, each of you, if your survival stat is above a one, subtract a one.

[19:49] Will Champion: Damn.

[19:55] Maddie: And for Jack the Lantern, what is your highest stat?

[20:00] Stomp: Espionage and spirit.

[20:02] Maddie: You may choose which one to subtract from.

[20:05] Stomp: Understood. My spy work has been shoddy lately, carrying this drumstick around. Uh, Stomp, I noticed you had a reaction right there, and you noticed that the ballerina in the center of the crystal globe spins around and for a moment seems to look directly at you. Subtract another from your survival stat.

[20:25] Stomp: Hot damn, what is going on?

[20:27] Will Champion: I knew I didn't trust this room at all. Can I throw something at that ballerina?

[20:31] Maddie: I don't know if you should anger the porcelain girl.

[20:34] Maddie: Sure, that will be an assail role.

[20:37] Jasmin Malave: Assail, assail, assail.

[20:38] Maddie: Jazzmer, just then, the ballerina spins around and makes what seems to be direct eye contact with you. Subtract from your survival.

[20:46] Jasmin Malave: I can't.

[20:47] Maddie: Okay, what is your next move? Everyone subtract a point.

[20:51] Will Champion: What is going on?

[20:54] Jasmin Malave: Oh no, I fucked up.

[20:55] Maddie: Okay, Jazz.

[20:57] Jasmin Malave: I throw a cherry pie and it misses.

[21:00] Maddie: Worse yet, that cherry pie bounces off of this what appeared to be crystal but in fact is some incredible force field and it bounces and that pie comes back and immediately smacks you in the face and that cherry juice gets in your eyes, meaning that your espionage score just went down by one.

[21:17] Jasmin Malave: Oh no.

[21:17] Maddie: So very quickly, things have changed immensely. Let's go through your stats real quick. Jack the Lantern.

[21:25] Stomp: Jack the Lantern, assail 3, espionage 3, survival 1, spirit 4.

[21:31] Maddie: Okay, assail 4, espionage 3, survival 1, spirit 2.

[21:36] Maddie: Assail 2, espionage 4, survival ticked down to a 3, spirit 3.

[21:41] Maddie: Very good. Now clearly, forces at work you don't understand are impacting your stats. So what do you want to do?

[21:49] Stomp: I have a thought. It's a dangerous ploy but we might as well try it. That ballerina is in their element and I would like to remove it. My attempt, I would like to waddle up to the glass, open my little carved mouth, pressing the heat of my candle flame on the cold wall and attempt to use my own Halloween holiday spirit to let that candle flame grow to attempt to melt the snow in the globe.

[22:17] Maddie: You're attempting to melt the magical snow in the globe. Can I use the document signed by our founding fathers as kindling?

[22:27] Stomp: In that case, I love this. That's an improvised weapon. You're going to have to roll survival, so do that first.

[22:32] Will Champion: I want to help.

[22:34] Stomp: Put the constitution in my mouth.

[22:36] Maddie: Oh, that's a match. I got a 4 on a 4.

[22:39] Maddie: A holy miracle?

[22:40] Stomp: Yeah. Okay, do you want insight or do you want an autocrit?

[22:42] Maddie: I want an autocrit. You managed to take this, what appears to be a 250-some-year-old perfect document. As you look at it, the back says it clearly is stamped with the Smithsonian as property of the Smithsonian, but you have decided to use this. You bring it over and now, Jack the Lantern, I'm going to need you to make an assail.

[23:13] Stomp: Honest, I can't argue this is spirit. Don't look at me like that.

[23:19] Maddie: Did you just have a reaction? Excuse me, you have to take one point from one of your...

[23:26] Stomp: Oh, I...

[23:29] Maddie: I think it would behoove of us to never respond again.

[23:33] Stomp: That's what we Southerners do. You keep it locked up.

[23:36] Maddie: Okay, so with that...

[23:39] Stomp: Assail? It's under. I rolled a 2 on a 3.

[23:43] Maddie: Okay, excellent. So you are, again, trying to just heat up the snow. Wonderful. As you watch these snowflakes just completely light on fire, they each have this incandescent light, much like the 4th of July or the sun. It's this beautiful explosion of color. However, it doesn't stop that ballerina from spinning and instead she looks directly at you. Take one point from Holiday Spirit.

[24:12] Stomp: So I'm just gonna say a little something, which again is my favorite little hinty boy. In this room, you are four spies.

[24:22] Maddie: You know what? I'll do this narratively. Topsy!

[24:27] Stomp: Oh, the baby!

[24:29] Maddie: I'll take one point.

[24:31] Stomp: Shit.

[24:32] Maddie: Topsy. Very...

[24:36] Maddie: Topsy, much like Jack the Lantern, rolls on his little brim. He rolls up towards it. And with that, I'm gonna use the stats that I have for Topsy. And they're all great. So Topsy, using espionage, notices something scrawled in beautiful cursive at the base of this ballerina. And it says, MIRTH MASTER 5000.

[25:05] Maddie: The MIRTH MASTER 5000. Ringing a bell, Jack?

[25:11] Stomp: MIRTH, making merry, expressing holiday spirit. It seems that the MIRTH MASTER is a vacuum for this kind of energy. The more that you produce MIRTH, the more you suffer.

[25:30] Stomp: Then it's time for a memorial. I'm gonna roll over to the cornucopia, which you said was filled with the carcasses of my brethren. Stuff for a meal. I'm gonna roll over there. And for a moment, let the little candle flame inside me go out, blowing a smoke over the cornucopia. Rest gently. None shall feast upon your flesh again.

[26:01] Maddie: Fucking cool.

[26:03] Maddie: As it plays out, I take my sun hat off and just reverence to the situation, bowing my head in grief and solidarity.

[26:14] Stomp: Wonderful.

[26:15] Maddie: And?

[26:16] Stomp: I'll take a knee.

[26:18] Stomp: I'll take a knee and just salute.

[26:24] Maddie: Taps plays somehow softly in the background. And as you do that, all of a sudden, a secret panel in the wall pops open. And again, yet another array of much like the It's a Small World After All, all of these figures pop out. It's the most spectacular thing you've ever seen. And on top of that, a song plays. But hey, spirit, come get your spirit.

[27:02] Maddie: Jasmine, take a point. William, take a point. He's holding his face in his hands, but smiling.

[27:04] Stomp: Spirit, come get your spirit.

[27:07] Maddie: This is a serious moment.

[27:08] Maddie: I'm going to send Drumstick off.

[27:09] Stomp: Drumstick, sick him.

[27:09] Stomp: You're sending Drumstick? Wonderful. Drumstick is an improvised weapon.

[27:12] Maddie: Romeo's survival.

[27:20] Stomp: One on a one.

[27:22] Maddie: Excellent.

[27:23] Maddie: Insight or Autocrit?

[27:25] Stomp: Autocrit for the Drumstick.

[27:26] Maddie: Amazing. I'm going to leave it to you. Describe how you absolutely demolish this.

[27:31] Stomp: I'm going to keep singing as you do it. Can you describe to me what this figure looks like?

[27:35] Maddie: Okay. It basically is a giant rotund mouse.

[27:40] Will Champion: In a little chef's hat, juggling, again it's mechanical, it's a feat of engineering, it is juggling cheeses, mince pies, eggs, it's the most wonderful thing, you're smiling again, you're so lucky that you got an autocrit. It is, and it's got its little feet that have little boots on them, and they're kicking wildly, he's doing a perfect tap dance, and again that warbling tune, he's twelve feet tall. Spirit! Come get your spirit! He's spinning around the room. The drumstick is gonna flutter over to this thing, and just do as the Incredible Hulk did to Loki in the first Avengers film, grab this little animatronic by, with its beak, and whap it back and forth on the cold hard stone of the floor, until it stops singing.

Oh, I love that so much. Spirit! So it's like, Spirit! Come get your spirit! And with one slight chunky mouse paw raised in the air, it looks for a moment, he'll get back up, and then he falls in a hissing steam of, uh, in hissing gases that smell incredibly like gingersnaps. And, real quick, what is, uh, Esther Bunny's favorite candy? Oh, it's, it, Cadbury Egg, oddly on theme. Yes, perfect. So you, that beautiful smell of sugar, caramel, and chocolate, which is what I think a caramel, a Cadbury Green Egg is, floats through the air, it's intoxicating almost. Alright, well, you have diminished that holiday spirit of, uh, Agent of the Mirth Master, but still, what do you do?

[29:21] Jasmin Malave: I believe we have to summon one from each of our areas. I'm gonna go over to my zone, and I'm going to find George Washington, my spiritual daddy, and I'm gonna just hit him in the face.

[29:37] Will Champion: Okay, give me an assail roll.

[29:44] Jasmin Malave: Yes, one. As you go to hit him in the face, just then, his animatronic eyes look at you and he goes, Alexander Hamilton, would you be by my side? Washington by your side? Nailing it. That's a song, nailing it. And with that, your fist just goes through the mouth, punches through the animatronic wooden teeth, and just comes out the other end. Just like quietly sobbing. The light in his, oh, quietly sobbing, okay, so your spirit score goes down one. Okay, oh, can't, I'm already at a one. Wonderful, good.

[30:23] Madelyn Murphy: In the description for Esther's, you said that Humpty Dumpty was a part of this?

[30:28] Will Champion: Mm-hmm.

[30:31] Madelyn Murphy: And that he is, is he, so he's falling apart in rotation and then getting put back together again?

[30:33] Will Champion: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

[30:38] Madelyn Murphy: Oh, and all the king's horses and all the king's men are extremely sexy. Like, just oiled up go-go boys with just beautiful glistening bodies.

[30:42] Will Champion: I would expect nothing less. Even the horses are also sexy, because they're centaurs. But not the way you think. Horse on top, man body.

[30:52] Jasmin Malave: They're so top heavy. Well, uh.

[30:55] Will Champion: That almost got you. I felt, Stomp is working so hard to be serious. Doing so great. So Esther is going to walk over to the area of their display and solemnly look up at it. Very akin to, if you've ever been to Mass, you see like the stations of the cross. This is the holy word to bunnies. This scene right here. Very reverent tale. I know this story. He fail, and they put him back together again. The resilience of egg spirit right here. And I would like to stop them from putting him back together again. I would like to intervene and break it that way, leaving Humpty completely dumpedeed for forever.

[31:36] Will Champion: How do you propose to do that?

[31:47] Madelyn Murphy: I'm going to argue that it's a survival and interfere with the aid from the sexy Dr. King horse man people.

[32:01] Will Champion: This is fully in a sale thing, but I love your shit reasoning and I accept.

[32:09] Madelyn Murphy: Oh, thank you. Give that a roll.

[32:09] Will Champion: So with that, I have, I notice there is more cursive. And the problem is Topsy's a little nearsighted. So I say like, hey, hey, hey, hey, guys. Oh, so again, it's saying like, we've read Mirth Master. And clearly, mirth is a huge contributing factor in this room. But also I see in cursive, it says, what do you call a broke Santa Claus?

[32:15] Jasmin Malave: Well, without a reaction, that is a five over a three.

[32:23] Will Champion: I see. Okay, so that is a fail for you, Esther Bunny. And as you do, you start to feel a coldness start in your fingers. Even though you are wearing equipment for the South Pole and have been through snow drifts, this is different. This is bone deep. And though you don't have any other physical effects right now, just know that it's like touching death almost just in your fingertips.

[32:43] Will Champion: So with that, I will take a turn as Topsy. And Topsy, again, now he's just kind of rolling around this crystalline right outside. And I think that I am going to just do another little investigation check under my espionage.

[32:57] Jasmin Malave: Okay.

[33:35] Jasmin Malave: I don't know. What do you call a broke Santa Claus?

[33:39] Will Champion: I'm not sure it's a column. I don't know. It's not a question. I'm just reading. It says, what do you call a broke Santa Claus?

[33:55] Jasmin Malave: I don't know, Jack. I don't fucking know, Jack. All right. Take a point. Take a point, William.

[34:10] Will Champion: Oh, quick check in. How are stats looking? Not good. A sale to espionage, three survival, three spirit to the body is willing. The spirit is weak.

[34:29] Jasmin Malave: I have the opposite problem. A sale, one espionage, two survival, one spirit, three. The spirit is unbreakable, but the body does decay.

[34:37] Madelyn Murphy: I'm rocking a four, three, one, one.

[34:45] Will Champion: Okay. So with that, as Topsy and Topsy too is, is pretty jacked up and just keeps going, what do you call a broke Santa Claus? And as that trickles throughout, all of a sudden you hear another warbling voice emanating from a different side of the wall. This time exploding forth is Arborete, the giant Arbor Day tree. This is another, it's like, it looks like grandmother Willow. And it's, it's actually as gorgeous as it is terrifying because with its long tendrils, it bursts through the wall like Kool-Aid man and goes, holiday spirit. And as he does, it's starting to whip out its tendrils towards you, going to grab you. And again, he goes, what do you call a broke Santa Claus?

[35:40] Will Champion: I'm going to go, um, with this, uh, very quickly, everybody give me a survival roll.

[35:46] Jasmin Malave: Oh no. Nope.

[35:51] Will Champion: No, none for me. Thanks.

[35:53] Will Champion: Okay. With that, the Arborete with these long tendrils, each of you is grasped up in these and the Mirth Master appears to be spinning faster, almost as if it's making eye contact with you. Um, I, Topsy also, uh, gets grabbed and kind of like is being squeezed slowly. You're starting to feel the, it's almost like hearing fabric tearing. So Topsy is in quite a lot of trouble, just going, what do you, what do you call a broke Santa Claus?

[36:24] Jasmin Malave: Santa Paws. Shatterclaws. Uh, I don't know. I'm just saying things now.

[36:33] Will Champion: Let's, we gotta, okay. So at this point I would say, let's, let's brainstorm. This is, at this point, I'm going to give you all a little holiday spirit and say, answering a riddle would be, behoove you greatly at this moment.

[36:50] Madelyn Murphy: Just to set the scene, we're being whipped around by a, by an angry tree.

[36:54] Will Champion: The Whomping Willow.

[36:57] Madelyn Murphy: In a little hat.

[37:00] Will Champion: In a hat.

[37:06] Will Champion: You are, you are in a room full of corrupted holiday spirit.

[37:10] Madelyn Murphy: Oh!

[37:12] Will Champion: In the throngs of being whipped around as a, as a, as a branch is starting to maybe potentially suffocate Esther, a gasp can be heard. Saint Nicholas!

[37:22] Madelyn Murphy: And with that, Esther Bunny is dropped to the ground. Lightly, not injured at all. And frankly, also all of the Easter accoutrements.

[37:31] Jasmin Malave: Saint Nicholas! Saint Nicholas!

[37:34] Will Champion: Oh no.

[37:36] Will Champion: Shit. You continue to be held. Jack the Lantern in his round body being whipped around like a, like a basketball being spun on a finger.

[37:45] Will Champion: And the ghost of, spirit of Alexander Hamilton who looks like Lin-Manuel Miranda is still caught. However, Esther Bunny has been freed.

[37:53] Madelyn Murphy: And with that, Esther, would you like to perhaps revisit where Topsy was looking? See if you can find the next riddle?

[38:03] Madelyn Murphy: Uh, I would, I would love to. I would love to. So I, Esther will, will hop without any mirth. It's a serious hop. I want that on the record right now.

[38:12] Will Champion: This is a solemn hop over to the base.

[38:15] Madelyn Murphy: There is no emotion in this movement. Esther is, is locked in.

[38:19] Jasmin Malave: Somehow that ass doesn't bounce.

[38:21] Madelyn Murphy: Absolutely not. No, that tail is, that cocktail is just...

[38:24] Will Champion: Cocked.

[38:26] Madelyn Murphy: Uh, do you want me to roll, uh, what are your...

[38:30] Will Champion: Uh, what are, let's see. Yeah, I'm, I'm gonna, because you answered that, I'm gonna say you don't even have to roll. I'm gonna give you an auto success on this.

[38:38] Madelyn Murphy: And you, as you glance and you see in that cursive again, it says, what is the best book to read about gender dynamics and relationships on Hanukkah?

[38:50] Jasmin Malave: Can you tell I made up these riddles?

[38:51] Madelyn Murphy: The Men or Nah.

[38:55] Jasmin Malave: That's a good one.

[38:56] Will Champion: The Men or Nah.

[38:59] Will Champion: That was very good.

[39:01] Madelyn Murphy: I will say, uh, Maddie note, this is, this is a bit of a, uh, a classic. It's a bit of a portmanteau. This is a very real book.

[39:13] Jasmin Malave: What?

[39:13] Madelyn Murphy: Combined. You're being just whipped around.

[39:16] Will Champion: Oh, poor, poor Jack the Lantern. It's like he's just slowly turning into pumpkin puree at this point.

[39:23] Will Champion: There's so much happening.

[39:25] Jasmin Malave: Say, will you repeat the clue for me one more time?

[39:27] Will Champion: What is the best book to read about gender dynamics and relationships on Hanukkah?

[39:38] Madelyn Murphy: If it's a portmanteau, I don't think I know the book. I'm going with Men or Nah.

[39:43] Will Champion: Okay. You actually have a very, uh, uh, a good start.

[39:50] Will Champion: Uh, and then in this case,

[39:51] Madelyn Murphy: Feminist Menorah.

[39:54] Will Champion: Uh, Murray, Murray, do I, does Murray know?

[40:02] Madelyn Murphy: Actually, you know what? I'm going to give that holiday miracle, a voice, a voice that sounds incredibly like Alex Murray.

[40:08] Will Champion: You hear it all in your minds and he says pride and prejudice, which is not the answer, but it does give all of you an additional spirit point.

[40:20] Madelyn Murphy: Uh, giving you just a bit more of, uh, of that, um, uh, that, that confidence that you need as you were imbued.

[40:30] Will Champion: The cold starts to feel a little less. You start to not be quite so overstimulated.

[40:34] Madelyn Murphy: And with that, you take a closer look, Esther, and you see next to this riddle, a tiny etching of a planet.

[40:45] Madelyn Murphy: Oh, Menorah from Mars.

[40:47] Will Champion: Uh, women are from Venus, Menorah from Mars.

[40:52] Will Champion: And with that, Jack the Lantern is dropped to the ground.

[41:01] Will Champion: It is unsightly because he does not have limbs, but he is otherwise unhurt.

[41:08] Madelyn Murphy: I am shaken, but appreciative of your efforts.

[41:12] Will Champion: And with that, Alex, the spirit of Alexander Hamilton, looks like Menorah is still getting just whipped around.

[41:18] Will Champion: Democracy shall endure. I'm gonna look again at the cursive.

[41:22] Madelyn Murphy: Okay, uh, how, how is your espionage score looking?

[41:26] Will Champion: It's a three. They're all, it's all middling.

[41:30] Madelyn Murphy: If you all will take your stats, everybody add plus one to each of their stats.

[44:36] Madelyn Murphy: As you find, as uncanny valley as the last room was, full of spirit but in a corrupted sort of vile way, that clearly was benefiting from the darkness of the soul, this room is the opposite.

[44:54] Madelyn Murphy: A fire crackles merrily in the great. It is clearly a well-worn laboratory and though you see many intimidating looking structures around here, it also clearly was a place of love and work and spirit inexplicably.

[45:11] Madelyn Murphy: You are seeing, among other things, various tables covered in charts, tools, diagrams, and at this point I would invite all of you to give me an espionage check.

[45:24] Will Champion: Espionage. Yes. Oh, success. Yes, success. Excellent. So you all rolled with success but nobody had an auto crit? Okay, wonderful. I would say each of you pick a direction to go in.

[45:38] Jasmin Malave: I'll go look at whatever the largest diagram is.

[45:40] Madelyn Murphy: Okay, so with that, Jack the Lantern approaches this. Oh, it's great. Will is actually doing a sort of rolling motion, which I love.

[45:52] Madelyn Murphy: And again, wonderful. Jasmine, you just laughed. There is no punishment for that.

[46:08] Jasmin Malave: I haven't shown emotion for like 10 whole minutes. It hurts. It's truly I was like eating so many laughs.

[46:15] Madelyn Murphy: With that, though, so welcome to, no, a mirth is allowed, but not 20. But okay, so as your pumpkin ass scooches over, you see incredibly complicated blueprints.

[46:27] Madelyn Murphy: You can't quite make out all of the numbers and the language, but it clearly seems to show some central canister, some central sort of armor that seems to be powered by these various different lines emanating from it and different capsules.

[46:44] Madelyn Murphy: It looks to be the development of a very significant weapon. And on top of that, you see charts indicating things about time, space, continuum. It's overly complicated and yet incredibly terrifying.

[47:01] Madelyn Murphy: And worse yet, because you succeeded, you will notice that there is a checklist on this diagram, and it appears that everything but the final list, the final duty has been achieved. Whatever this is, it is devastatingly close to completion.

[47:20] Madelyn Murphy: And the spirit of Alexander Hamilton, who looks like Lin-Manuel Miranda. I will just go straight from the door to whatever is in front of me. Wonderful. With that, that is the we're going to say it's the fireplace, which has all of these a plush faux bearskin sort of carpet.

[47:40] Madelyn Murphy: Yes, it doesn't actually it doesn't not a proponent of fur, but but the illusion of sort of that homey comfort. There is a gorgeous velvet armchair clearly well worn with a beautiful homemade Afghan hanging around it.

[47:58] Madelyn Murphy: And next to it is this little table, a lacquered table on which there is a glass of milk and what was once a heaping plate of cookies. But now there is only one. Now, Jasmine, what to you is the most delicious looking cookie you've ever seen? Like, what is your favorite flavor?

[48:17] Jasmin Malave: Oh, I just love a really good chocolate chip cookie.

[48:19] Madelyn Murphy: This is the most wonderful chocolate chip cookie you've ever seen. A it is massive. It is eight inches in diameter. It is clearly still emanating warmth. You can basically see the aromatic lines of scent and heat coming from it perfectly studded with those chunky, chunky chocolate chips.

[48:41] Madelyn Murphy: And again, there were more on the plate. You see crumbs, but this is just the one. And for Esther Bunny, I say point me in whatever direction is is open for more perusing.

[48:55] Madelyn Murphy: OK, so Topsy, I'm going to say is going to be creative and go up. So you let's say go right. And there you notice this sort of mini container off to the side in one of the shadowy corners.

[49:13] Madelyn Murphy: And inside is this small wilted bonsai tree. It's it's clearly been untended and it makes no sense in a room where everything else is so meticulously cared for. There also nearby is a water cooler and various little like a coffee bar and sundries to make your famous your lovely latte.

[49:37] Madelyn Murphy: But there's next to it just this very sad looking plant. It's just sitting out now. It's not it's not covered or anything. It's just like existing on the space just because I think it's more fabulous if it's covered like the rose in Beauty and the Beast.

[49:51] Jasmin Malave: Oh, that is that's a four. And I have a four. That is a right on the money.

[50:19] Will Champion: I think I want I want insight.

[50:21] Madelyn Murphy: Wonderful. So with that, you can with your attachment to spirit and your knowledge of spring and verdant life, it's basically you look at this tree and you can almost hear it crying out for water. It just requires hydration.

[50:41] Jasmin Malave: Oh, you poor thing. I'll fetch you a cup.

[50:43] Madelyn Murphy: And I'm Esther's gonna because it's right, right, right there. Yeah, just a little, just a little water. Yeah. And let's say that you grab you also just for funsies. There's a mug there that perfectly says like, who you calling a ho ho ho.

[51:01] Jasmin Malave: Oh, I love humor.

[51:03] Madelyn Murphy: Did you laugh? I'm just kidding. You didn't keep. No, I grimace with a smile. Okay, what we southern women do.

[51:12] Madelyn Murphy: Okay, so if you have you have watered this bonsai tree and with that you almost hear an exhalation from the tree of the you have given life back to it and as it unfolds, it's it's green leaves and seems to really come back to life.

[51:30] Madelyn Murphy: It seems to really come back to itself. All the sudden, you hear a voice in your head. And you know, with complete certainty, it is the Easter Bunny. And you get you hear just sounds that the Easter Bunny makes, you know, like, but it's not him. It's not the message. That's the Easter Bunny and and the wagging of a tail and that specific little gentle that the Easter Bunny makes but also what is more important is he is they're kind of passing on to this sort of psychic impressions. You hear darkness, you feel fear, and you also know, with complete certainty that the Easter Bunny is within 50 feet of you some way somehow.

[52:20] Jasmin Malave: I think like in that moment, then Esther's ears kind of do that, like, they like click into an attention and just like placing the mug like back on the counter just a very solemn. He's close.

[52:35] Will Champion: Don't scare me, Esther. What do you mean he's close?

[52:39] Jasmin Malave: The Easter Bunny. He's he's here. He's he's, he's, well, give or take somehow then maybe 50 feet or so.

[52:47] Will Champion: That's very specific.

[52:49] Jasmin Malave: Well, we bunnies have a knack for these things. Plus, also, I gave I gave water to a plant. I had a vision. I'm just when you work with plants, you start to see things a lot clearer.

[53:01] Madelyn Murphy: Do you have any any of the bunnies personal belongings or accoutrement?

[53:07] Madelyn Murphy: I will also say there's actually one more thing where you just hear through the there is one word that you can barely hear, but you swear you get the sense of two more pieces of information. One, he keeps doing this. He's got something stuck in his teeth, too.

[53:22] Madelyn Murphy: He has. There's an essence of betrayal.

[53:35] Will Champion: Oh, yeah, that's it. So with the stuck in his teeth, you taste peppermint on your tongue and you realize his mouth is he's just he's been gagged with peppermints.

[53:43] Madelyn Murphy: Yeah, which helps explain. So also with that very quickly as we go around, Topsy chooses to go up because he's drawn to hanging from this crystalline chandelier in this laboratory.

[54:00] Madelyn Murphy: Again, that has all of these wonderful little ornamentations, decorations, beautiful trinkets honed from years and years of collections.

[54:11] Madelyn Murphy: Hanging from it in a haphazard way is a red sack, the most crimson sack you've ever seen, and it has a golden tassel hanging from it.

[54:22] Madelyn Murphy: But Topsy can sense immense power. This is something that draws you in. And yet it clearly has this intense, intimidating rush of power.

[54:37] Madelyn Murphy: Clearly, it says SC monogrammed lovingly on the side. But in this case, let me do a spirit roll.

[54:47] Will Champion: I and with that Topsy, the spirit roll, even though it was successful, cannot detect a single thing from it. It's like a black hole.

[55:03] Madelyn Murphy: There is an opening in it. Clearly, kind of. There's this rushing sound beckoning you to go into it. And yet to the bag. And yet. Yeah.

[55:20] Will Champion: There is no way to determine, is this good? Is this bad? Essentially, insight is not there.

[55:29] Maddie Murphy: So that was Topsy's turn. What do y'all want to do with the information you've been presented? It behooves the both of you to know there was some great manufacture of weaponry happening in this room and it's almost complete as this diagram shows. I'm also going to say just for funsies, you have found a dolly. So now you're just racing around this dolly.

[55:48] Alex Stompoly: May I please beseech the drumstick the emaciated is pushing it?

[55:59] Maddie Murphy: That's even more fantastic. I was going to say reigned to it. That's way better. You're in a convalescent home and you're being pushed by this turkey. And not by the beak, like full wings, somehow pushing.

[56:21] Will Champion: Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. I'm going to let you are being now you are always zipping around as well. So you have passed along that information, the spirit of Alexander Hamilton. I feel like I'm going to do the only thing that makes sense with the scene you gave me, which is to grab the cookie, lay down in a sexy position on the bearskin rug in front of the fire and sensually eat the cookie.

[56:41] Maddie Murphy: Okay, so you're going to eat it. Wonderful. So as you eat this cookie, it truly is the most devastatingly delicious thing that you've ever had. The butter is on point. What is that? Oh, what is there a hint of oatmeal in there as well? Additional texture? A little smack of cinnamon just to really amp up the chocolate flavor. And you feel completely suffused with warmth. In fact, your deepest memory of when you first came into this Alexander Hamilton's President's Day employ of Mr. President, and that feeling of hope and presidential patriotism, unproblematic patriotism.

[57:21] Alex Stompoly: Yeah, because Mr. President is everyone.

[57:24] Will Champion: Yeah, Mr. President. Well, he lives. Maybe the real Mr. President was the friends we made along the way.

[57:29] Maddie Murphy: Yeah, he lives in like a little hobbit house that is actually built into Capitol Hill. Underneath the Washington Monument. And you remember the first time entering his home. And all of that suffuses you. And with that, I would like you to, what are your stats?

[57:51] Will Champion: Five, four, two, and three.

[57:54] Maddie Murphy: You lose in a sales stat. However, each of your players, Jack the Lantern and Esther Bunny, add a point to your lowest stat, in which case is what?

[58:06] Will Champion: Oh, for me, it was a sale. Now I'm fours across the board.

[58:09] Maddie Murphy: Ooh, very powerful. And as you do, as you consume this cookie, you realize through those delicious flavors, there's another layer, which was simply that message of selfish. Had you shared the cookie, had you shared it, everyone would get bonuses. But because you decided to take it for yourself, you lost a point, but did benefit your party. Topsy also is going to get it. Get one point.

[58:37] Alex Stompoly: Does it not seem suspicious to you? There are tracings of one Mr. Christmas all over this room. A roaring fireplace, the cookie of necessity, and that bag.

[58:46] Will Champion: I thought the same thing, Jack, but I didn't, I didn't attribute it to Mr. C. I, I attributed it to something much worse.

[59:02] Maddie Murphy: Speak of what you mean.

[59:04] Alex Stompoly: We bunnies dare not speak his name.

[59:06] Will Champion: What?

[59:07] Alex Stompoly: He strikes fear into all of those who celebrate holidays.

[59:11] Will Champion: Mr. Diarrhea?

[59:12] Maddie Murphy: That's Topsy appearing.

[59:15] Alex Stompoly: We take a modium for that.

[59:19] Will Champion: Krampus.

[59:20] Maddie Murphy: Oh, Topsy immediately just rolls around the floor and backs into a stack of papers, knocking them over, and in doing so reveals that there has been a jukebox this whole time.

[59:35] Alex Stompoly: Even worse, a jukebox musical.

[59:39] Maddie Murphy: And with that, Mama Mia comes on and you all die.

[59:47] Will Champion: And that is the end of holiday spirit. Good night, motherfuckers. May darkness reign. You heard it here first. Abba killed Christmas.

[59:57] Maddie Murphy: No, so, so with that, uh, Topsy, oh, gracious goo! That's his little catchphrase. He knocks over, I will not be taken graciously, oh, gracious goo! Knocks over the stack of papers, more diagrams split around. He's a child. He can't cuss.

[1:00:17] Alex Stompoly: Yeah, again, Topsy too. He's got, he's a little top hat, but he's also got, like, little stick arms and legs, like, like a, like a drawing.

[1:00:24] Maddie Murphy: It's like doodle dog. Ah, gracious goo!

[1:00:25] Will Champion: So with little, little limbs akimbo, and we find.

[1:00:30] Alex Stompoly: I love that musical.

[1:00:31] Will Champion: I love that Kimberly.

[1:00:36] Alex Stompoly: And that Waterloo comes on and all of you die.

[1:00:39] Maddie Murphy: No, but the, this jukebox appears. Murray is losing his shit. It was just a, like, we're an hour and a quarter ago and that's his little catchphrase.

[1:00:48] Will Champion: His little catchphrase, ah, gracious goo! He's talked like three times.

[1:00:51] Alex Stompoly: Gracious goo.

[1:00:54] Maddie Murphy: He mostly, he's here for the vibes. It actually takes him incredible energy to speak because his mouth is also just a line. Get that fucking t-shirt branding in there. Ah, gracious goo!

[1:01:07] Maddie Murphy: Topsy has revealed that there is this holiday jukebox, which is, uh, the most perfect jukebox preserved out of, um, you know, your, your classic 1950s-esque diner. And you notice it seems to have, um, most of all the classic carols on there. The carols for every single holiday, as we all know, not just the Christmas ones. And as you look, you see it's glittery and golden. It's suffused with light. It seems to glow from within. It's lighting up all of your visages as you stare at it. And you see that in the very middle is a single coin slot.

[1:01:47] Will Champion: I have a thought.

[1:01:48] Alex Stompoly: Gracious goo! That's his catchphrase. May I, is there a, a, a listing of what songs are on this jukebox in its entirety?

[1:01:59] Maddie Murphy: Uh, give me an espionage roll.

[1:02:03] Will Champion: Two, uh, it's a success. Two under three.

[1:02:05] Maddie Murphy: The panic. Um, yes, uh, you see that there, again, there are the Mariah Careys. There's even some of your, your, your modern and your, your classics. You're Bing Crosby. There, of course, is Treeby Smith, Arbor Day carol writer. We have, uh, Valentino, Valentine's Day. Uh, and of course we have Firework, who, uh, does a lot of rap jingles for Fourth of July. Um, he's also heavily sponsored by the Indiana Fireworks Commission, so he's a bit corrupted and we, we're gonna ignore him.

[1:02:41] Will Champion: If there are modern hits as well as past ones, I have an idea as to how we can draw out any nearby. What day of the year is it?

[1:02:49] Maddie Murphy: It is December 31st.

[1:02:53] Will Champion: Well, no time like the present. Have you—

[1:02:56] Maddie Murphy: 1997.

[1:02:59] Will Champion: Just cuz. Have you heard the complex game known as Whamageddon?

[1:03:06] Alex Stompoly: No.

[1:03:08] Will Champion: It is a challenge. You must go as long as you can before the most holy Christmas day without listening or partaking in Wham's Last Christmas. Christmas has passed, so the countdown has reset. If we play that song as loud as possible—

[1:03:27] Maddie Murphy: Snape-ass motherfucker.

[1:03:29] Will Champion: I know that. And if, and if we fail, we get sent to Whamageddon.

[1:03:34] Alex Stompoly: It's Wham-holla. It's a holy place, isn't it?

[1:03:38] Will Champion: I fear if we blast that song as loud as physically possible, it would draw the ire of whoever may be listening nearby. But we have to sacrifice ourselves to do this.

[1:03:51] Maddie Murphy: Or we could put a coin in the slot!

[1:03:53] Alex Stompoly: Calm down, Democracy! There is another way!

[1:03:56] Will Champion: I just think we're losing the game in the process.

[1:04:00] Maddie Murphy: Oh, to hell with the game! Our loved ones are at stake!

[1:04:04] Will Champion: Yeah, uh, okay. So, Esther Bunny, you would like to put a coin in the clearly indicated slot.

[1:04:12] Maddie Murphy: Much like you've had a catchphrase, tiny baby, I've had this coin purse the whole adventure.

[1:04:17] Will Champion: Oh, you have? Okay, we're gonna say—

[1:04:21] Maddie Murphy: You know what? Absolutely not. Though I love this. How about this? You give me an investigation check through your espionage.

[1:04:28] Will Champion: All right.

[1:04:28] Maddie Murphy: All of you may do it.

[1:04:29] Will Champion: I was also gonna see if I could Fonz it.

[1:04:32] Maddie Murphy: Oh, it is a success!

[1:04:34] Will Champion: Can I lean against it and just hit it?

[1:04:37] Maddie Murphy: Absolutely! We'll say that that is gonna be an assail.

[1:04:40] Will Champion: Okay.

[1:04:41] All: Christmas miracle! Christmas miracle! Yeah!

[1:04:44] Maddie Murphy: Okay, do you want insight or do you want an autocrit?

[1:04:46] Will Champion: I want an autocrit and I go, Hey! Hey!

[1:04:49] Maddie Murphy: Okay, wonderful! So you do exactly that. In your breeches and waistcoat and your perfectly curled wig, you execute the most wonderful little kind of forearm punch, and—

[1:05:03] Will Champion: And then Esther just puts the coin right back in the box.

[1:05:06] Maddie Murphy: And then kind of tucks it away. In the coin pouch that we have canonically established, she's had this entire time tucked under her tail. This is the exact kind of bunny I would expect to have a coin patch on.

[1:05:16] Maddie Murphy: You hit the jukebox. And you, for a moment, hear nothing. And then, after the quickest inhalation of breath, you hear the telltale sign of a coin falling into place. And with that, the jukebox immediately lights up. You hear this incredible array that of course starts with da-da-da-da-da Nat 20! And again, like the room before but in miniature, out go the streams of albums and instead they flip over and you find yourself... You remember in Shrek when they got to Duloc? It's a tiny little miniature animatronic display just like that. But again, mirth here is welcome. It's gorgeous. The intricacy of the machinery. And you see that they are actually mouthing the words but silence. And instead, you just hear the one inscription going Give me a carol and I'll give you a boon. So with that, what would you like to do?

[1:06:25] Will Champion: I would like to start singing.

[1:06:30] Maddie Murphy: Okay. Esther regalas. Boy, you all know that famous Easter hit.

[1:06:38] Will Champion: Yes.

[1:06:39] Maddie Murphy: And here it comes. I will say everyone must participate.

[1:06:43] Will Champion: Or hear me out.

[1:06:48] Maddie Murphy: Maybe some in the whole room. And then all of a sudden...

[1:06:52] Maddie Murphy: And now you start to see a self-destruct timer pop up and with 30 seconds, clearly a self-destruct timer has come up. You've activated something. Topsy rolls over. Gracious goo, I'm in!

[1:07:04] Will Champion: Okay, you kick us off, Esther buddy. We all know this.

[1:07:06] Maddie Murphy: You better watch out. You better not cry. You better not pout. I'm telling you why. Santa Claus is coming to town.

[1:07:19] Will Champion: I went the wrong way over.

[1:07:21] Maddie Murphy: I said one the whole room. So you were going to give me a brand new Easter carol.

[1:07:28] Will Champion: No, I was going to give you number 492 Eagle's Wings if we go back to math.

[1:07:34] Maddie Murphy: You immediately lose a spirit point. I would like to say revisit the instructions. Give me a new carol. I will grant you a boon. Time is slowed down. You're now at 20 seconds self-destruct for this jukebox.

[1:07:46] Alex Stompoly: At which point, Gracious goo! Uh, fine, fine. Hide your eggs in today. Come this morn we'll find one may.

[1:08:06] Will Champion: And then there's a harmony. Hide the eggs.

[1:08:11] Maddie Murphy: And with that, and you see a five, four, three. I'm going to roll a D4 real quick to determine. If you rolled odd, that would have been a failure. However, I rolled a four. You rolled even. That was a success.

[1:08:29] Maddie Murphy: Two, one. The jukebox suddenly flashes out. And all of a sudden you see, you feel this amazing sort of and you find that the animatronic form in the jukebox, they have seemingly siphoned that song. All the heads of the little carolers go down and then all of a sudden pop up and they perfectly regurgitate your brand new Easter carol back at and in golden writing, all of a sudden inscribed on a lyric sheet. You see the title of your brand new spirit song called. Hide your eggs. Hide your eggs. And with that.

[1:09:10] Will Champion: The Holiday Jukebox Miracle Has Been Achieved.

[1:09:40] Jasmin Malave: The Holiday Jukebox Miracle Has Been Achieved.

[1:10:10] Will Champion: You lucky dog! What is your lowest stat? Your force across the board? I was... and then I denied you the dulcet tones of Easter, so it went to a three. You started, you promised me a new carol and just sang a pre-existing carol. Well, the instructions were everyone had to sing along. I am gonna give you a boon, uh, that was actually missed before. You are suddenly levitated towards this red sack, the one emanating power. And as you do so, um, and you know all your fellows are maybe trying to hold you down, Topsy with his little arms is trying desperately to hold on to the cuff of your pants that canonically you're wearing. Maybe, oh yeah, they're a cool lot. And Topsy's arms are so short and stick-like, can't quite hold on, and you are absorbed into the air.

You see this red sack, you feel that immense power, and then because you rolled a six, you see underneath the embroidered "SC" the words "Leap of Faith." And with that, I'm leaving you a decision. Do you go into that big red sack? Do you just hit that sack with everything you've got or not? You can be safely lowered down or you can do it. I'm a bunny, we jump, but today I leap.

[1:11:40] Will Champion: And with that, you are sucked into the velvet portal of holiday spirit. This is in fact Santa Claus's magical sack, and it has like a room of requirement. You enter this complete and utter void, this time continuum. You feel every single holiday spirit connection in the globe, and you understand just how thin those tiny gold threads have become. On top of that, you suddenly feel like you're within Santa's mind, and you open your bright blue eyes to see that you are in a different room. In fact, you are in your own sort of hulking metal sarcophagus chamber with a dusty thick glass plate through it. You can see some sort of great hulking machinery you're trapped in. You're short on breath, you're barely able to keep conscious, and you know that there is some sort of figure out there.

Moreover, you can tell with your last bit of Christmas strength that the heroes that Mrs. Claus promised you are just on the other side of the wall. With that, all of a sudden, you are returned from the sack, flipping through the air majestically. How have you been in there for five minutes or five years? You don't know, but you return to your compatriots with this information.

[1:13:01] Jasmin Malave: Where did you just go, Esther?

[1:13:10] Will Champion: Uh, and not, not, it is easy to explain, my guarded friend, but there's, they're there, they're, they're, they're not far. I could, I could make them out.

[1:13:14] Jasmin Malave: Okay, did you say you were imprisoned in some sort of machinery?

[1:13:22] Will Champion: Uh, some sort of contraption. It was very, it was very cloudy. It seemed like it was trying to suppress people. You had alluded there was some sort of trap. Maybe this is... look at the diagram. Does it feel anything like that? In the meantime, I'm gonna do a... Topsy's gonna make a quick investigation check.

[1:13:39] Jasmin Malave: Okay, great. And, uh, is, uh, Gracious Goo and has just found a tinsel-covered lever basically that appears to open because doors keep switching in this place. A portcullis that you somehow didn't notice before at the other side of the room.

[1:13:59] Will Champion: With all of this information, we're going to take a brief pause. I think as you understand you have acquired enough info. You know what awaits you on the other side of the wall. You know you are going to imminent danger. And with that, we're going to do one final thing. Make me each of you make me a spirit roll.

[1:14:16] Jasmin Malave: If my spirit is six, am I just rolling to see if it's an instant or not?

[1:14:22] Will Champion: Okay, oh, two perfect success, five. Oh yeah, uh, Christmas miracle, Christmas miracle.

[1:14:33] Jasmin Malave: Okay, uh, so you may ask me a question.

[1:14:40] Will Champion: Um, is there anything on the diagram that I should take particular note of?

[1:14:47] Jasmin Malave: Yes, I would suggest that you, excellent question, you should take note that on this diagram there are lines that lead from basically five smaller pods to this central hulking pod. We're not sure what they are, but they could be lines of power conduits, whatnot.

[1:15:04] Will Champion: Okay, great, thank you. That is your insight. And, uh, so Jack the Lantern, you have an auto success, but with that, all of you have passed this and you may add one point to your assail stat.

[1:15:19] Jasmin Malave: Oh, a Christmas in thickening.

[1:15:28] Will Champion: So Topsy is about to pull the lever to the portcullis. I would like to, you to all give me sort of an Avengers Endgame, how do you look?

[1:15:34] Jasmin Malave: I, this is where I'm going to use my Megazord idea. I would like to, if I have to use spirit to attempt it, whatever it is, I would like to have Drumstick, Drumstick the emaciated—thank you for using his full name—put their head through the base of my gourd.

[1:15:52] Will Champion: Oh my god, so I become Drumstick's head and eyes and visage and may use his emaciated frame to wander around our final form. In fact, Jack the Drumstick.

[1:16:08] Jasmin Malave: And you said this was a spirit roll and you have a six in spirit auto success? Done. So I'm even going to give you one more. I'm gonna, you may take the dolly with you as a little skateboard if you'd like.

[1:16:18] Will Champion: Jack be nimble, Jack be quick, Jack's on top of drums. Wonderful.

[1:16:25] Jasmin Malave: So incredible. We look and we see Jack in an incredible feat of anti-gravitational strength manages, without legs, to leap and settle himself like a beautiful juggernaut helmet around Drumstick the emaciated, also imbued with this holiday spirit. Drumstick the emaciated, his pecs suddenly pop out, the luster in his feathers is back, and oh, his big juicy white meat donk also just increases. This is his original form before holiday spirit was siphoned away.

[1:17:03] Will Champion: As that happens, I just politely lean over to the spirit of Alexander Hamilton that looks, uh, like Lin-Manuel Miranda. I go, "Check out them turkey breasts."

[1:17:09] Jasmin Malave: Oh, I was looking.

[1:17:16] Will Champion: And for a second, you also, like, like truly, the, uh, you realize that Drumstick's original surname was Butterball, and you can truly see the lineage from there. So wonderful. And for the spirit of Alexander Hamilton, who looks like Lin-Manuel Miranda, the spirit of Alexander Hamilton that looks like Lin-Manuel Miranda would like to take the bearskin rug and turn it into a cape and prepare for battle.

[1:17:40] Jasmin Malave: I love this, just extra flair.

[1:17:48] Will Champion: Yeah, um, dunzo. Great, I require no spirit roll. I like this too much, the faux basket.

[1:17:53] Jasmin Malave: Yeah, thank you.

[1:17:53] Will Champion: Okay, and finally, Esther Bunny, Esther, who much like you all know, much like the baby, has had a catchphrase. I've been walking on two feet the entire time, very upright rabbit, uh, is going back to a bit more of a natural state. So with a flourish of one of her front paws, she kind of does that really crisp but unnecessary, like when people like grab the top brim of their head, like sure, it may look real just sophisticated. It's cocked ever so slightly one eye, but now she's officially gone on like all fours, ready to just like run and pounce like it's bunny time, like war bunny kind of jackrabbit mode.

[1:18:28] Will Champion: I love this so much, brim down.

[1:18:37] Jasmin Malave: So with that, we're in. And finally, Topsy. Topsy rolls over and strikes a little pose where like he puts a little stick arm on one, and he essentially kind of like fluffs himself up so his top hatness becomes even taller, and you see sort of a red bow tie emerge spinning out. And he goes, "Gracious Goo." Um, and also you hear, and popping out like Peaky Blinders from the brim of his hat are just a fine array of razor blades all over the—

[1:19:03] Will Champion: Incredible. He truly, uh, yeah, gracious goo indeed. Gracious goo indeed, Topsy. Topsy doesn't like to turn out this side, but when he does, he does. So with that, if we're ready, Topsy pulls the lever.

[1:19:16] Jasmin Malave: Cronk, why do we even have that?

[1:19:23] Will Champion: And as he's holding it, so it has to be held, so do you pass through the porch?

[1:19:31] Jasmin Malave: Of course, absolutely.

[1:19:31] Will Champion: Excellent. And as you pass on through in this form, you find you feel behind you three cuts made as if by razor blades to each of you. You all get an auto fail, meaning that you feel coldness start to seep in again. Now, now, as I recall—

[1:19:40] Jasmin Malave: No gracious goo indeed.

[1:19:50] Will Champion: Portcullis snap shut. There is no lever on the other side, and you see Topsy immediately spinning away, a roaring dervish of knives as he goes to a light. And the central figure, this giant metal room, you see in this crazy dome in the middle. It's unclear what that is, but on the sides you see five pods. In one, a crimson pod holding an unconscious Santa Claus. There is a line of red light from his pod flowing to the central hulking mass. Next to that, the Easter Bunny, a perfect lavender—Jack, that's his—it's Jack Rabbit. Jack, he goes by Easter, but never mind.

[1:20:26] Jasmin Malave: Oh no, thank you for making it clear.

[1:20:33] Will Champion: It says actually all of that on his medical label on the pod in perfect quotes. So clearly, Esther Bunny was reading that. There's a lavender spirit flowing through his line into that central dome. You see next to that the great Pumpy, the king, his crown thrown disrespectfully upon the ground, gathering dust as he flows orange spirit and ichor through to the central hub. And then, of course, Mr. President, a white guy.

[1:21:10] Jasmin Malave: Except that one time.

[1:21:16] Will Champion: A white guy who's too old.

[1:21:22] Jasmin Malave: What?

[1:21:33] Will Champion: Except that one time, which would be wonderful, which would be wonderful. And let's keep going. But instead, because President's Day historically kind of sucks, it is just a nondescript white guy, and that is exactly the scientific label. And it also says, "No women ever, I guess."

[1:21:40] Jasmin Malave: Just a nondescript looking dude. Seems like he crashed a minivan once or twice in his life.

[1:21:46] Will Champion: Uh, with that, and you see from him a red, white, and blue—

[1:21:57] Jasmin Malave: Oh, we have to—I'm sorry, stop, just stop.

[1:22:01] Will Champion: Uh, it's Jack the Drumstick.

[1:22:06] Jasmin Malave: Stop, did a doodle of Jack the Drumstick, and it is incredible and will be kept forever.

[1:22:17] Will Champion: This war machine. And so with that, you see Topsy spinning through the air, laughing gracious goo, and he alights on top of his hulking form, which seems to be made of metal until you realize there's a laugh coming from it.

[1:22:31] Jasmin Malave: Perfect.

[1:22:38] Will Champion: Now each of you has taken a cut that counts as a fail already. Three fails in this room, and the coldness gets to you. Unfortunately for Esther, she already has coldness in her fingertips. She feels that coldness suffuse almost to her chest. Two fails. So again, we're keeping this going, and as you wonder what is going on, and as I try to load my notes because my computer decided to go to sleep right now.

[1:23:00] Maddie Murphy: Here we go. Much like those really cool 1960s egg chairs, you hear the grinding of metal. And you see that as it turns around 180 degrees, who is sitting there but a baby smoking a cigar. God damn it. Very good, Topsy. Fell right into my trap, agents. And it's right then that you also notice there is a fifth pod, empty, but with room for three in there. You look upon this central canister and like a cartoon, it has this spirit vial that is nearly full, this black swirling mass, a mixture of all of these holiday spirits being siphoned in to create this awful tar-like substance. And it is at 90% with one chamber empty waiting for you. Yeah, you notice nobody wanted to search for baby New Year until Topsy came around.

Who celebrates the New Year? Who really celebrates the New Year except to go get parties, wear glasses that have poor visual output because they're not designed for that kind of thing? I know what you're thinking. Oh, baby New Year being so small. I am an infant. I have been given no power except to sit and wait for all of you peons to pay attention to me for what, a mere few hours? And then the hour turns and it's the New Year's Day. All forget, all resolutions gone. I have been neglected. I have been held powerless. Christmas has its day, Easter, even trees. But not the New Year. I refuse to be kept a baby no longer. With this final infusion of spirit, I will ascend to my higher form and become Man New Year.

You could have gone with New Year Man. Shut up, pumpkin. And you notice too, with all of this, he flicks his cigar just disrespectfully towards you, emitting an awful cloud of green smoke. And I want to remind you, you also saw time. It's a discussion of time and whatnot on those diagrams. You realize Man New Year not only will just be a man, but he'll have the ability in taking all of this holiday spirit to effectively freeze all holidays. It means a permanent New Year's Eve. All holiday spirit is consolidated to maintaining a day just for him, freezing time and keeping it effectively all the same. With that, combat has begun. Topsy is on top of Baby New Year's Dome and you hear, what's worse, an awful creaking as six legs emerge from that central metal hub.

[1:26:23] Will Champion: Oh, I did four.

[1:26:33] Maddie Murphy: Sorry, those needed to be oiled. There was a, oh, here it goes. And then Baby New Year kind of looks around dramatically and then goes, he punches the panel. And this, now, petal, egg, kind of like metal. I'm thinking bipedal, but I don't know. Cespedal, which is, sounds filthy. Cess, I'm sticking with it. Cespedal, sort of weaponized chamber with a razor blade topsy on top. Cesspool, the pool is pee. Combat has begun. So all of you with that, give me an immediate survival roll.

[1:27:19] Jasmin Malave: Nope. Nope. Damn it, failure. Nope.

[1:27:24] Maddie Murphy: Thank you all so much for playing. An immediate survival roll with that. These legs pop out and you can tell that he can't move very far because he's still attached to these siphons, but he effectively does a sweep with one great leg and all of you are pushed into that final fifth chamber. The door doesn't close. Door doesn't close yet, but you have been pushed into that chamber. Up next, so we're going to go order of initiative. Who has the most holiday spirit? Okay, then it starts with, it starts with our amazing Jack the Drumstick. Okay. You said earlier that the crown from the Pumpking, Pumpy the King, had been tossed cruelly to the side. My thought here, I want to try and dash on my little turkey legs out of this chamber, grab that crown, put it on my head to diminish the spirit flow, the ichor coming from Pumpy, as I assume the mantle of the Pumpking. Of course, this is such a world champion thing. I'm also, I love this. I'm going to make it better. It's not in a separate room. It is next to Pumpy the King's chamber. It's just been tossed aside.

[1:28:41] Will Champion: Got to get out of this canister, right?

[1:28:44] Maddie Murphy: Okay, so yeah, I'd say with that, why don't you give me an assail roll? We're looking for a three, folks.

[1:28:53] Will Champion: That's a five. That's over.

[1:28:55] Maddie Murphy: Okay, I'm going to say you make it. You do manage to kind of scramble awkwardly out of the chamber, but your, yes, Drumstick's balance is off. You scramble out of the chamber, but you don't quite reach the crown yet. We're going to now go to, who has next highest spirit?

[1:29:09] Jasmin Malave: I have a three.

[1:29:10] Will Champion: We both have a three, but you go ahead.

[1:29:12] Jasmin Malave: Okay, so what I'm going to do is I'm going to hop, jump out of there if I can, and then, I don't know how big the thing is, so I want to get out of there, and then using the spirit of President's Day, which is that of a day where you can get a used car for cheaper.

[1:29:41] Maddie Murphy: Hey, real quick, inspiration points in this goes. It's a holiday miracle. I'm automatically granting you a holiday bonus. Options where the car is cheaper or there's a mattress sale.

[1:29:51] Jasmin Malave: All right, based on this, I'm granting you a holiday boon. Please explain next, and I will arbitrate from there.

[1:29:56] Jasmin Malave: Okay, so very suddenly, his arms, the spirit takes him of President's Day, and his arms become that of a wacky inflatable arm man that you see outside of a used car lot, and I want to be able to reach out with his arms and grab a few of the pumps and rip them off, whatever the two closest ones are.

[1:30:15] Maddie Murphy: That would be, in this case, we'll say it is David Rabbit, who goes by Easter Bunny.

[1:30:22] Will Champion: Jack.

[1:30:23] Maddie Murphy: Jack Rabbit, who goes by Easter Bunny, that lavender.

[1:30:25] Jasmin Malave: My sister's name is Diane. This here's a story about Jack and Diane.

[1:30:30] Will Champion: Is it a little ditty, you'd say?

[1:30:32] Jasmin Malave: I would sing it for you, but we don't have the copyright.

[1:30:35] Will Champion: Besides that, Easter carol is all I need. Sing it for me again, please.

[1:30:39] Jasmin Malave: Hide your ass.

[1:30:43] Maddie Murphy: Perfect. Flash forward five minutes, carol ends. Here we go. So, okay, so you want to have wacky waving, inflatable arm thing, and you want to grab lines. I'm going to, as a boon, you can grab two.

[1:30:53] Jasmin Malave: Okay.

[1:30:53] Maddie Murphy: So you can grab the Easter Bunnies, and you could grab Santas. With that, though, I will need an assail role.

[1:31:01] Jasmin Malave: Okay.

[1:31:04] Jasmin Malave: Yes.

[1:31:05] Maddie Murphy: Okay, excellent. So with that, you pull, and you feel it comes loose. The lavender one starts spraying wildly in one of the legs on baby New Year's sort of hulking Iron Man improvised suit is weakening. He's already off balance. You pull on Santa's red spirit one, and that tube comes loose, and as all of that beautiful red spirit smelling of peppermint and hope comes out, it also starts to get on the armor, and it's eating away at it. So you have wounded baby New Year, but he is still up and running. With that, Esther Bunny.

[1:31:48] Jasmin Malave: Okay. Inspired by my brother-in-law's holiday of putting eggs in baskets, which is essentially young chickens in baskets, I'm gonna look at Topsy, this tiny baby, and put him in a casket. I'm gonna use my shark candy canes that are in this bandolier, which canonically I have always been wearing.

[1:32:14] Maddie Murphy: I'm so glad you remembered those.

[1:32:16] Jasmin Malave: And I am gonna, I want to fling them to impale this tiny child.

[1:32:24] Maddie Murphy: So you're attacking the baby New Year in general.

[1:32:27] Jasmin Malave: Which also, baby New Year has been alive as long as time has been alive.

[1:32:31] Maddie Murphy: So though in the form of a baby, you know, is...

[1:32:34] Will Champion: Some men never grow up.

[1:32:35] Maddie Murphy: Exactly.

[1:32:36] Will Champion: Age is but a number.

[1:32:37] Maddie Murphy: Arrested development, for sure. Okay, so you're trying to impale baby New Year.

[1:32:41] Jasmin Malave: Yeah, if anything, just to throw him off kilter.

[1:32:45] Maddie Murphy: Okay, I would actually, I'm going to encourage you first. I love this, but I would like you to make an espionage check. We're going to count this as a history check.

[1:32:56] Jasmin Malave: A two, which is great, it passes.

[1:32:58] Maddie Murphy: Excellent. So with that, you are still sort of psychically connected to Santa from frolicking in his big ass sack. And as you do so, you feel a quick jolt. And this cascade of memories and information comes into your brain. But you understand that if you effectively kill baby New Year, not neutralize, but kill, you will be... It still is a holiday. And you will be ending that holiday spirit, leaving a void behind that with uncontrollable power might be like a black hole that cannot possibly be sustained or prevented.

[1:33:37] Jasmin Malave: So essentially, what I think then happens is Esther has been preparing to aim and just hurl these at this child. And that one second, that one moment has a That's So Raven type moment, where just like eyes get really wide and sees this reality and then snaps back. And I will adjust based on that.

[1:34:03] Jasmin Malave: Sort of Esther very quietly goes, He sees me when I'm sleeping. He knows when I'm awake.

[1:34:08] Maddie Murphy: And I'm going to throw them at the remaining legs, maybe seeing if the candy canes can, I don't know how durable these sticks are, but ruin the mechanics of it.

[1:34:15] Maddie Murphy: Okay, I'm going to say this. You can either in this turn attempt to attack one of the lines, or you can use all six all at once in this turn. If you are successful, you will hit both of the remaining lines. If you are not, you have just used that entire weapon.

[1:34:32] Jasmin Malave: Go big or go home.

[1:34:33] Maddie Murphy: I'm a bunny on a leap.

[1:34:34] Jasmin Malave: Okay.

[1:34:36] Maddie Murphy: Great. That's the highest one, baby.

[1:34:38] Jasmin Malave: I'm gonna vomit if it's a six.

[1:34:41] Will Champion: I mean, we do have the gold coin.

[1:34:51] Jasmin Malave: Can I give the gold coin or do I have to use it?

[1:34:54] Maddie Murphy: I think in this case, roll a spirit.

[1:34:56] Jasmin Malave: Can you?

[1:34:59] Maddie Murphy: Yeah.

[1:35:00] Jasmin Malave: Okay, excellent.

[1:35:01] Maddie Murphy: So what are you opting to do with your gold coin?

[1:35:03] Jasmin Malave: I'm going to like, flick it over at you.

[1:35:06] Will Champion: Oh, can you do it like cool?

[1:35:08] Jasmin Malave: Like the fonts again?

[1:35:08] Will Champion: Yeah, that's what I was thinking.

[1:35:10] Maddie Murphy: Yeah.

[1:35:13] Jasmin Malave: Great. And so this allows me to roll again?

[1:35:17] Maddie Murphy: Yes. You see as the coin flips in slow motion towards you, you see Topsy start to light off like gracious goo, trying to grab it out of the air.

[1:35:26] Jasmin Malave: And I catch it right in that coin purse that I've had the whole time. Snap.

[1:35:30] Maddie Murphy: Perfect. And with that, you may reroll.

[1:35:35] Jasmin Malave: No way, no way.

[1:35:36] Maddie Murphy: It's a five!

[1:35:38] Will Champion: It's a Christmas miracle!

[1:35:40] Maddie Murphy: Auto crit or incite?

[1:35:41] Jasmin Malave: Auto crit.

[1:35:44] Maddie Murphy: So with that, three candy canes, they are released and they immediately embed perfectly into the orange line leading from Pumpy the King. Then you also have the red, white, and blue line leading from Mr. President. It again alights and all of that ichor starts to leak out. The hoses aren't attached, but they are leaking and the hydraulics are failing fast. And with that, you start to see your holiday figures inside there. They're not awake, but they're stirring as their spirit is not being siphoned so heavily from them. And on that case, it is Topsy's turn.

[1:36:25] Maddie Murphy: And Topsy is going to suddenly alight back on Baby New Year, furious. And he looks at each of you and in each of your minds speaks the following. We're going to start with Jack the Drumstick. Goes, Jack, Jack, aren't you sad?

[1:36:50] Alex Stompoly: Will Champion. Jasmin.

[1:37:20] Malave Alex Stompoly: Will Champion. Jasmin.

[1:37:50] Malave Alex Stompoly: Will Champion. Jasmin Malave Alex Stompoly: Will Champion. Jasmin.

[1:38:20] Malave Alex Stompoly: Will Champion. Jasmin Malave Alex Stompoly: Will Champion. Jasmin Malave.

[1:38:50] Alex Stompoly: Will Champion. Jasmin Malave Alex Stompoly: Will Champion. Jasmin Malave Alex Stompoly: Will Champion. Jasmin Malave.

[1:39:20] Alex Stompoly: Will Champion. Jasmin Malave Alex Stompoly: Will Champion. Jasmin Malave Alex Stompoly: Will Champion. Jasmin Malave.

[1:39:50] Alex Stompoly: Will Champion. Jasmin Malave Alex Stompoly: Will Champion. Jasmin Malave Alex Stompoly: Will Champion. Jasmin Malave.

[1:40:20] Alex Stompoly: Will Champion. Jasmin Malave Alex Stompoly: Will Champion. Jasmin Malave Alex Stompoly: Will Champion. Jasmin Malave.

[1:40:50] Alex Stompoly: Will Champion. Jasmin Malave Alex Stompoly: Will Champion. Jasmin Malave Alex Stompoly: Will Champion. Jasmin Malave.

[1:41:20] Will Champion: I would like to come and approach Topsy with this gift of a pie. Can I give the pie onto Topsy?

[1:41:32] Jasmin Malave: Uh, okay. I'm gonna make a quick espionage roll result. Failed it? Yes, you can give me the pie.

[1:41:38] Will Champion: Okay, so I passed you the pie. And if you've taken it, you didn't realize that I had tucked the Ultra-Valentine underneath and passed it to you.

[1:41:53] Alex Stompoly: And with that, little comical cartoon hearts pop up. Topsy's eyes become like little hearts and he's utterly charmed. Somehow, on his red ribbon, you see two little blush marks appear. And he looks at you and goes,

[1:42:10] Anything you want. And with that, he hops off the dome of Baby New Year. And he hops upon your head. Anything else? Oh, if I have any additional knowledge on how to now open these pods... Gracious Goo, I love you!

[1:42:29] Will Champion: Gracious Goo, yep, me too!

[1:43:00] Jasmin Malave: It's the baby from Who Framed Roger Rabbit.

[1:43:04] Alex Stompoly: He effectively kind of can't do much more, and you have somewhat neutralized Topsy. So, I would say, at this point, with being charmed, all of you make a spirit check right now.

[1:43:22] Will Champion: No!

[1:43:23] Jasmin Malave: Oh, that's a Christmas miracle!

[1:43:25] Will Champion: You got a Christmas miracle?

[1:43:26] Jasmin Malave: Yeah!

[1:43:28] Alex Stompoly: Okay. With that, I would like, okay, with the Christmas miracle, you have been completely, you are thinking of, thank you for being a friend. Travel down the road and back again. And as you do that, you turn and sing that to Topsy, a charmed Topsy.

[1:43:49] Will Champion: And I'm going to say, you take his hand, and you can do an auto-success, which I can narrate for you, or I can give you insight and let you narrate.

[1:43:57] Jasmin Malave: Give me insight.

[1:44:00] Alex Stompoly: The insight is, as this baby man is sobbing, and the legs are malfunctioning, you've cut all the lines, and conveniently, right in the side is a hidden panel, just barely visible, and you know that once you push that button, the baby starts to get rocked in this machine.

[1:44:21] Will Champion: So, and once asleep, the pods will open for the other holiday scions. I would like you to take it away, if you so will, and describe to me this. I will be underscoring with holiday music.

[1:44:37] Jasmin Malave: So I have Topsy's hand in my hand?

[1:44:42] Alex Stompoly: Topsy is on top of the spirit of Alexander Hamilton's head, but yes, if you would like to take it.

[1:44:48] Jasmin Malave: Oh, no, no, no, I think that's perfectly fine. I think Esther comes out of this daze and,

[1:44:54] You can promise me whatever you want, your long summers, your warm autumns, hardly ever seeing snow, but these are the things that make the seasons, make the reasons for living, and I refuse to give it up. We all have our time, and for you, it's nap time!

[1:45:18] Will Champion: And just slams, just slams on that button.

[1:45:23] Alex Stompoly: It's like the entire room lurches with a sudden snap.

[1:45:31] All of the pods open, and there's, with these busts of steam, and the holiday scions sort of come, breathing in, sitting up, as the central carriage rocks, and the

[1:45:43] Will Champion: And with a final, tiny thumb, he puts it in his mouth, and

[1:45:55] Jasmin Malave: Oh, he's got something stuck in his teeth.

[1:45:57] Alex Stompoly: The legs lower down, and you see that the chamber has completely hermetically sealed itself. Effectively, baby New Year, at least for now, is still alive, but sleeping.

[1:46:10] Will Champion: And just then, you hear, bong, bong, twelve bongs.

[1:46:18] Alex Stompoly: A new year has come along. It is now January 1st, 1998.

[1:46:25] Will Champion: And you, miraculously, in the nick of time, have saved all of your holiday figures.

[1:46:35] Congratulations, everyone!

[1:46:38] Alex Stompoly: I will. I had prepared a little bit of an epilogue, but I think, if you would all like, I want to give you each just 30 seconds, if you want to describe what the next holiday looks like, as you have rescued your holiday hero.

[1:46:53] Will Champion: What is that? We'll start with Jack the Drumstick.

[1:46:59] Alex Stompoly: As Jack the Lantern and Drumstick, the once emaciated now Drumstick Butterball, have merged, so too must the autumnal holidays merge as one, given that Thanksgiving was verging on relatively problematic as it was.

[1:47:14] So now we are just doing the Great Harvest. That's what our working project is.

[1:47:22] Jasmin Malave: Ooh, that sounds like very violent, but great.

[1:47:25] Will Champion: All tricks, all the time.

[1:47:27] Alex Stompoly: Excellent. And the spirit of Alexander Hamilton, who looks like Lin-Manuel Miranda.

[1:47:31] Will Champion: Yes, so the spirit of Alexander Hamilton, that looks like Lin-Manuel Miranda, travels the world, because it's 1998, and finds someone who looks exactly like this visage that he's decided.

[1:47:45] And he comes to him in dreams, and imbues him with this idea that maybe he could make a rap musical, and eventually people will remember Alexander Hamilton, not just as some guy that's on a $5 bill, but as-

[1:48:05] Jasmin Malave: 50?

[1:48:06] Will Champion: Which one is he on?

[1:48:07] Jasmin Malave: 50.

[1:48:08] Will Champion: What, the $10 bill?

[1:48:09] Jasmin Malave: $10.

[1:48:10] Will Champion: Not just the guy who's-

[1:48:11] Jasmin Malave: He's on the 50.

[1:48:12] Will Champion: 50?

[1:48:13] Jasmin Malave: Franklin?

[1:48:14] Will Champion: 50 is Grant.

[1:48:16] Jasmin Malave: Ulysses, yeah.

[1:48:17] Will Champion: 5 is fucking Abraham Lincoln.

[1:48:19] Jasmin Malave: 1 is Washington.

[1:48:20] Will Champion: 2 is Thomas Jefferson.

[1:48:21] Jasmin Malave: 20 is Jackson.

[1:48:22] Will Champion: 20 is Jackson.

[1:48:23] Jasmin Malave: No, you know what? It's 1998. Hamilton is on the $5 bill.

[1:48:27] Will Champion: Not just the guy who's on the $5 and $10 bill, but as something more. And also President's Day is still just for used cars.

[1:48:39] Alex Stompoly: Excellent. And just on President's Day 1998, a young Lin-Manuel Miranda wakes up from a start in bed and goes, who lives, who dies, who tells your story?

[1:48:50] Jasmin Malave: Yes.

[1:48:51] Alex Stompoly: And finally, Esther?

[1:48:53] Jasmin Malave: That next spring, Esther's one Easter carol went platinum.

[1:48:58] Will Champion: Yay!

[1:49:00] Jasmin Malave: So while her brother-in-law was back to putting eggs in baskets, she went on a very small but successful musical tour.

[1:49:08] Alex Stompoly: Excellent. And so with that, holiday spirit has been returned around the globe.

[1:49:15] Will Champion: Our elite liberation force, our unsung heroes may not be known for their great sacrifices and work, but their legacy is forever enshrined.

[1:49:25] Jasmin Malave: And every time a child sees snow and goes, wow, every time another identical Hallmark movie is made and we all watch them with mirth and joy.

[1:49:36] Will Champion: And every time we look around a room and appreciate the friends and loved ones that we have in our lives.

[1:49:42] Alex Stompoly: You have done this, heroes, and we forever are grateful.

[1:49:47] Will Champion: And on that, we will leave with a little retelling of Hide Yo' Eggs.

[1:49:52] Alex Stompoly: And this has been the Ale and Well-Met Holiday One-Shot.

[1:49:56] Will Champion: Happy New Year, everybody. Watch out for Baby New Year.

[1:49:59] Jasmin Malave: And gracious goo.

[1:50:00] Will Champion: And gracious goo.

[1:50:01] Jasmin Malave: Hide your eggs.

[1:50:06] Alex Stompoly: Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da!

[1:50:31] Will Champion: Happy New Year!