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[0:30] Alex: Welcome back adventurers. It's 2020 mother freaking five. And this is the Alan Well Met.

[0:37] RJ: Ye Olde. And Well Met. Yep. That one. Ye Olde. Twenty Sided Tavern Podcast. I'm Alex. RJ's here.

[0:47] Diego: I'm talking. Oh out of turn. I didn't get the talking stick. Diego's watching it all unfold.

[0:54] RJ: Yes. It's kind of hot. This is the corner. As he usually does. This is what you get off on, isn't it?

[0:59] Diego: Yeah. Oh dude. Just vibin'. I mean like I'm not even like doing the show this week. So I'm chilling.

[1:04] RJ: You're the ultimate voyeur. You're here to not be in the show and sort of be on the podcast and just watch other people resolve.

[1:11] Diego: More than anything I just wanted to grab a LaCroix from the fridge. And then you texted me and I remember that this was happening.

[1:22] RJ: I'm here for the free plum LaCroix.

[1:27] Alex: Yeah. Oh absolutely. That's one of my favorite things about the backstage area here is that it is always flush with snacks and beverages.

[1:34] RJ: We actually started I think we started like a we don't have a we can't do a swear jar because we would have to put too much crap in it.

[1:40] Alex: We're actors. We're supposed to swear.

[1:43] RJ: Exactly. But we finally turned the fishbowl in there into like an actually we all just started chugging twenties into it.

[1:47] Alex: Oh nice. As an actual seltzer water fund. That's how much we drink. RJ any thoughts on that. Where do you fall in the seltzer debates?

[1:54] RJ: The essence of coldness is wet. No I slam down seltzers like a madman. I used to be a Dr. Pepper fiend. And this like oh I had to break that habit. But now these do seltzers. They're do it for me.

[2:10] Alex: Yeah your teeth will thank you. It's much easier this way. Did you resolve. Speaking of resolution there you go to stop drinking like Dr. Pepper and this was like your immediate replacement. How recent of a doctor. How did you break this doctor?

[2:25] RJ: This was a couple of years ago. Honestly it might be like six or seven years. I'd say six six years ago. I mean a new year just happened. So does that affect the math.

[2:34] Alex: Oh oh now it's six years and two days. But yeah I just you know I want to stop drinking soda. You know just you know empty calories. You know I could get it. I want more food you know. And then I just did a long time without soda and I was like I need something. And I used to hate LaCroix. But after not drinking soda for like a year and a half it tastes like candy.

[3:01] RJ: I'm like what. How did you have to like become a man in the desert.

[3:06] Alex: Right. Like it's like yes. Any any any port in a storm is like yeah you have to deprive yourself of like corn syrup for everybody has their necessary time. For me it was like yeah a year or two and then I knew I had a sweat pee pee is lemon lime seltzer and I was like what is this delicious elixir. And it still sort of tastes like you've got an email of a lemon. But like you know at this point it works.

[3:32] Maddie: Good. Twenty twenty five and I miss gendering people. Oh what's up babies. Oh you're here now. Can we get an intro song.

[3:38] RJ: Yeah dadadadada. It's Alan Wellmet. The 20 sided podcast where gathered and you bet we got things to talk about Diego and R.J. Maddy too with King Murray producing this shit be cool. Dadadadadadada. That twenty. Alan Wellmet was filmed in front of a live studio audience. Dadadadadadada. Then it pans over to the stuffed dog that's on this cot over here. That dog's got lavender in its ass and you can microwave it and have a great nap.

[4:16] Alex: Maddy what's a way that you've broken a bad habit before? We were just talking about R.J. breaking up with Dr. Pepper a couple years ago.

[4:21] Maddie: I broke up with Coke Zero a couple years ago.

[4:26] Alex: How bad was it? Did you break up with Coke before that?

[4:31] Maddie: Yes. So Coke Zero was my rebound from Coca-Cola.

[4:38] Alex: Damn. Wow. No. I didn't even know y'all were like that serious.

[4:43] Maddie: Oh mad serious. We were in a domestic partnership. I used to drink five sodas a day.

[4:47] RJ: Like a can or like 12 fluid ounces.

[4:54] Maddie: Yeah I would I would just jam on some pop and jam on that pop.

[4:54] Alex: Jam on that pop. I think in that case well that habit broke slowly. I think by virtue of I just I knew it was bad for me but that's never a good enough excuse. It makes you want it more. At least it does for me. I'm just so bad. I'm just a bad boy. Like there's something about it where you're like I shouldn't but I'm gonna.

[5:12] Maddie: Yeah. Like five times a day. Then you're getting away with something.

[5:17] Alex: Yeah. And here's how my poisonous little brain works. Because I don't have like many vices like I don't smoke or whatever. Then I have I go all in on one where I was like well I don't do this or that so and then I'm drinking you know so many carcinogens and pop a day that I'm like I'm an 80. My stomach was probably that of an 86 year old coal miner just like oh.

[5:37] Maddie: Caustic belly. You don't know how coal miners love full sugar sodas.

[5:43] Alex: I think for me it was just a matter of that habit broke very slowly. It just slow I noticed I went from five cans a day to then I wasn't in the mood and then maybe two and then maybe one. And because I just let it go slowly and I purposely didn't put any outcome in it. Like what does this mean? What do I have to do? I just kind of followed the natural impulse I had to cut back until eventually. Coke Zero walked in.

[6:08] Maddie: It rode in on a motorcycle smoking a cigarette.

[6:15] Alex: Maybe. But it had a 401k.

[6:22] Maddie: 401k baby. I'm responsible but I fly a single prop engine plane on the weekends.

[6:27] Alex: I'm a little dangerous.

[6:33] Maddie: That's it yeah. It was like oh you're technically safe but what could happen? I ride a motorcycle but I got insurance and I wear a helmet.

[6:39] Alex: I got a rear backup camera for my motorcycle.

[6:44] Maddie: But that that like faded away over time and it was nice to recognize oh my taste buds have changed and I'm not fighting to keep it. I think other big habits like I'm a huge snacker. I love to snack to the detriment of like and also when I get bored I want to just feel full. So that was a habit I had to break a couple years ago. The only answer to that is I have to swap one habit for another and I have to then you have to do the thing of finding value in the effects when you're actively making a change. Because for me it's never been easy to change a habit.

[7:13] RJ: No it's not. But it's also a thing where I was like god damn it I miss those chips. I want them. And instead though really having to sit and take stock in that discomfort of like but this feels better. I feel better because of this that and the other. And it takes what is it like two weeks to form a new habit?

[7:28] Maddie: I thought it was like two months.

[7:34] Alex: Two months but it's the regret when you what you don't miss is the regret. What you don't miss is like looking at the empty bag of ruffles and being like I did it again.

[7:39] RJ: Oh man and it was it's good going down but then you have to like hide the empty bag like under some trash in the trash.

[7:45] Maddie: And you and your hands you wash them but you wash them but you keep getting whiffs of the chips on your fingies. You wake up the next day and you're like oh god it's still here. Out out damn grease spot.

[8:01] Alex: One big thing I miss about my apartment in Chicago is my bidet because sometimes I eat too many Takis. And it's nice to kind of just like the next day when you know liquid fire's coming out of me.

[8:10] Maddie: That little bag is too many. I just too many. And I'm talking about like I eat the family size and I eat like three quarters of it dude. They should sell them like cigarettes.

[8:23] RJ: They should come in just like a little pack.

[8:26] Maddie: No that's not enough. You should have 10 Takis in like a little box. You should eat one Taki at a time.

[8:31] RJ: No I get enraged by shit like that. That's like the Pez dispenser of snacking. Absolutely not. That's when I rebel and I go you're gonna give me 10. I'm gonna buy 40 of these.

[8:40] Maddie: They'll just sell them in cartons. It's like yeah that's how they'll fix that yeah.

[8:44] RJ: But I love too that you have. And then they'll sell them in a big bag altogether. It's just me walking down the street with just a trash bag full of cigarettes. Fuck yeah.

[8:50] Maddie: I just love too that Diego you're making your body a time bomb and then with the bidet I interpret that as you have made your butthole such as such a no entry zone such a no man's land that you don't even want to touch it yourself.

[9:04] Diego: I'm gonna get a hose. You know the sphincter is made out of the same material as your like lips. Like yeah it's the same type.

[9:14] Maddie: Yeah it's your rear mouth. That's why it burns.

[9:19] Diego: Very sensitive. Learning. But when you put CarMax on it.

[9:26] Maddie: I've never thought about putting chapstick. Fast leaning up your o-ring. Oh well yeah. While you're eating the Takis. I eat them today and I prepare for tomorrow.

[9:39] Diego: Just one has like enough seasoning for a whole small village. It's like no there's like 40 of these. Dude I think the ones out here in New York are like spiced even more than the ones I was eating back in Chicago. It's like Mexican cokes. They're slightly different. Maybe more citric or malic acid up in there.

[9:53] Maddie: Say it again slower.

[10:00] Diego: Citric or malic acid. You can just buy malic acid at the store. They'll just sell it to you. You can just buy a big old bag of just the sour mix. You can forgo the Patch Kids and just have the sour man. Just snort that shit. New shot of shame. Just like a Lick-O-Mate but just malic acid.

[10:14] Maddie: You know what I had the other day of realizing like oh my body is I'm in my 30s and my body officially just doesn't. What is it in MSG? I had takeout Chinese food for the first time in a year or something just because I wasn't craving it and I had it and I'm like this is great. This is the best and then I wake up in the middle of the night. I'm so itchy. My eyelids are swollen to shit. No it's not and it's not even an allergic reaction. It just is my body went hey cool this is what happens when you take in MSG. So I was like I had such a great dinner and then I got four hours of sleep because and so you know now we know now we know I can't I'm old.

[11:03] RJ: Yeah I mean I mean that happens dude so does anybody have actually a New Year's? I like how do we feel about New Year's resolutions in general?

[11:08] Diego: I think that yes or no.

[11:16] RJ: Okay Diego has a noncommittal shrug. I don't know like I think it's always easy like to like when we come around to like a kind of a fresh start like it's easier to kind of like obviously set intentions obviously that's like something that's been happening for a while. I just don't find that like making a resolution on New Year's helps me out more than on any other day.

[11:31] Alex: Right yeah. Today is my only window for change. You have to wait 364 days. You laugh but that's exactly how I was. I remember I got like a diary uh for like a birthday gift.

[11:44] Maddie: You mean diarrhea?

[11:44] Alex: No no this is pre-talkies. This is when I was in fourth grade like they gave me like a diary like like for my birthday or something and I was like I can't write in this until the first of January.

[11:56] Maddie: Well it says January 1st on the top.

[11:56] Alex: Exactly and I was like I don't I wanted to start like an order and I want to write down like the exact time and moment that I write it and put so many rules.

[12:06] Maddie: That's work you just gave yourself homework.

[12:09] Alex: And my birthday's in March so I had to wait like nine months. You forgot about that shit. Yeah and I was like and and that's always been a thing like I I sometimes wait for the things to be a little too perfect just do them and then that moment never comes.

[12:22] Maddie: Making perfect the enemy of the good.

[12:27] Alex: Yeah exactly. I'll be rotting in my bed and I'll be like oh man it's it's new it'll be like 12.06 and I'm like I'll get up at 12.30 and I'll go you know.

[12:33] RJ: 12.32 you missed it.

[12:40] Alex: Exactly well might as well stay here till one. You know like I gotta make it clean. It's like what why I just wasted so much sometimes the best time is 12.37 and I fucked it up. I think I go by vibes rather than resolution. I think I think uh

[12:50] Maddie Murphy: New Year's resolution tends to set up people for failure because there's so much pressure and there's such this idea of and now you must begin and the answer is like listen if you don't want to change or you're not feeling it then all of a sudden you're going to be like well I'm already I've already started the year wrong I'm already not doing the thing. I am very much so a vibes person which is like you do things and then when you feel the impulse to actually act on it follow it and see how it goes though that's the only time I've been able to make positive change is it fuck the timing of the year get out of bed when you feel like getting out of bed stop drinking coke zeros five times a day when you finally feel like it.

[13:30] Diego F. Salinas: I mean like and it the like impetus also can come at a weird time right like I don't know I quit smoking cigarettes because I saw my ex-girlfriend on a TV show and I was just like okay nope gotta take care of myself you can't win listen I love the power of spite.

[13:46] RJ Christian: Oh yeah I was like you're gonna be on Mad Men and not me fuck this shit here's my thing don't empire don't judge I'm people typically will judge and be like well oh what was your reasoning oh I don't find that to be a noble reasoning be like fuck the reasoning spite is great if it fuels you it fuels you my one thing is we got to the moon because of spite hell yeah.

[14:05] Maddie Murphy: Listen I was in the gym today I need a little motivation so I opened up Instagram I looked at the girl who left me on red and I was like you're gonna you're gonna miss out on a jacked guy so you lose yeah it really worked it's so stupid but it worked right motivations are your motivations my thing is again you get caught up I get caught up if I'm attached to a specific outcome then I'm shooting myself in the foot for shirzies it's like oh yeah I want to like work up to running 10 miles and you say and you at the end of the year you run nine miles oh I failed you weren't running at all at the beginning you succeeded a different goal you just said it too concretely.

[14:42] Diego F. Salinas: I know my kind of big thing that I'm trying for this year is like I like again I don't want to put the label resolution on no you don't want to label it's early uh but I'm trying to get rid of my scarcity mindset like for so long I've like like eat every last like crumb on the plate like type of thing and like our parents have done this to us this is generational trauma happy plate baby yeah yeah so I I'm just like trying to like in in all aspects of my life like even just like my like my social relationships and whatnot being like not every night has to be like the best night ever like sometimes it's okay to just be like it's 8 p.m and I want to go home I could there will be other hangs.

[15:28] RJ Christian: I could not find a way to play I play fucking Baldur's Gate with two of my friends who live in Los Angeles and we could not find time because we kept trying to be like we're gonna just get by and play for like six hours so we all need a day like no what we've started doing is playing for an hour and a half twice a week when I come home from the show we log on and we like basically just talk while we you know like it's the quality over like the intensity yeah or quantity as a matter of fact over over quality.

[15:50] Maddie Murphy: Yeah my thing I that resonates with me uh Diego we're again not a resolution but my thing is this is a year of I'm saying no of just being like I need space peace I'm gonna say no to things and not fret over the FOMO of it all and it's the simple thing of just exactly that of like oh man I'm tired like I y'all are gonna get a drink that's great have fun peace I got a fat ass fantasy book waiting for me at home and a bath bomb and I'm gonna chill.

[16:22] Diego F. Salinas: That sounds pretty great I independently thought like I was thinking this this morning it's like you are so good at like saying no he's like so like hey man you want a piece of cake you'd be like oh I'm fine but thank you like it's so kind.

[16:36] RJ Christian: You were thinking about that this morning truly truly I'm not even lying I was just thinking about like did you leave him on red.

[16:43] Maddie Murphy: She says no so good excuse me for no reason whatsoever I have to go grab my phone real quick let me just say well thank you I didn't realize that I was already exuding that because my ass feels constantly all the time where I'm the same where I was like okie dokie what what are we doing blah blah.

[17:05] Diego F. Salinas: Yeah I've I've said many times in my life I do not have a chemical problem I have a social problem I do not want to leave the bar I do not want the I do not want any fun to be happening when I am not there I used to like my parents would be up just like watching TV on a Thursday night and I would sneak down the hall and like sit like hide behind the couch and just watch TV because I didn't I didn't even like it they were watching ER and I was like eight no it's just it's just like there are people up and I don't want to miss out it's the being in the room.

[17:28] RJ Christian: I will say the one thing that I am trying for the first time ever just just because because it's categorically good is I'm doing a dry January this sucks I hate it it's January 6th listen it's also just it's totally fine it is truly like thank goodness it's not a case of oh my god I need a drink what do I do but it is that social aspect and it is that idea all the time I'm I'm bad with absolute no's that's my thing where the moment you're like you can't have this I was like I didn't want it but now I do because I can't.

[17:59] Maddie Murphy: You can still go hang out though totes oh and and have you can come hang out and like get a ginger ale them shits have a coke zero baby go back to your no go back to your idea no we we did we went to a bar had a seltzer had a great uh like bubbly water and it was great and that's the thing of it's simply just it's the habit of it's changing that light habit of oh instead of ordering a beer I order a bubbly water great it's just that weird like switch flip of oh I'm not doing this thing anymore for a short period of time and so it is that it's been a minute since I've actively tried to change a habit.

[18:33] Diego F. Salinas: Yeah and just going like oh because I'm finding myself feeling a little stilted from it clearly it's something I need to do more which I like I'm also think just a curiosity mindset is my goal this year which is if you're curious about it learn more about it maybe it becomes a hobby or a habit or whatever but I like the idea of following what's interesting and seeing where that lands.

[18:56] Maddie Murphy: Yeah that's great that's beautiful on the subject of sobriety this is sort of a separate thought but I always find that when I'm the sober person in a room full of drunk people it feels like you're in like a mystical land of like fairy it's like oh hey how's it going like hey guy like oh what do you like everyone's in this other vibe and you're just like oh wow like yeah take take care of me.

[19:24] RJ Christian: Yeah beautiful you're my best friend here dude thank you so much I appreciate that oh my god I want to get out of my hamburger yeah I'm I ate but you know I love you oh god it's just Takis fire it's just a mashed up paste oh god coming out dry.

[19:49] Diego F. Salinas: He didn't even drink alcohol this is what Takis doing all the capsaicin is making me drunk he's wasted on blue yeah I'm on that blue dude on that blue eating that blue that cool as yeah here's my here's my here's my hot take also man this is what's been rattled around in the old brain for a couple days fuck fourth of July we don't need that shit anymore it's over listen we're gonna replace it we're gonna have New Year's Eve in July now.

[20:16] Maddie Murphy: Oh so move New Year's to July where we can where we can party outside we can have barbecues we can go nuts also like the summer is when things get lazy and like hot and long and that's a great no one's gonna touch lazy and hot and long okay penis that's when we well had you said hard working hot and long I'd go I'm listening I'm not here to be with no pillow princess like a tube of play-doh this is this is sweaty too let's do let's put in some sweat equity here baby.

[20:49] RJ Christian: Yeah yeah work for it sweat equity word but like I think that's it all my sweat equity oh.

[21:11] Maddie Murphy: Summary you were talking about rebuilding our entire society to having a new holiday halfway through the summer like we already have a big holiday and it's like getting more and more and more problematic like the like yay America and like we just we like I think that's a better time to like set intentions and do new things I think we're too we're too close after the rest of the big holidays right because we've just been it's you're saying New Year's is too close after Christmas Thanksgiving fucking hedonism for two months and like now I want to stop like I need a but my house is just full of cookies they're cookies everywhere and I only ate one today but there's so many left and I can't throw them out because they have my mom's love in them okay I'm feeling this argument I get it now.

[22:00] Diego F. Salinas: And I go because my thing is I'm like oh I like for the July not to celebrate America no I just like let's all hang out on a beautiful summer day and enjoy the outdoors and grill some meats.

[22:10] Maddie Murphy: New Year's in July each other I like that too because also summer is when people tend to feel better about themselves and the you already got the summer body seasonal depression nope or it's at its lowest there I'm into this there's no cuffing season depression I don't have nobody's sitting around eating malamars by themselves and then freaks out and goes and proposes to Meg Ryan like that doesn't happen not nobody.

[22:30] RJ Christian: Yeah fair enough dude I told you that in confidence okay uh devil's advocate yeah that means all the people who are pissing and shitting themselves in Times Square will now be warm they'll smell like.

[22:42] Maddie Murphy: I will say to you the devil I got Takis to reading the new half year oh two new years yeah half year we can we can work as well just happy happy half year actually that sounds really good happy half year we just wait okay if New Year's has the sunglasses the glasses with the year on them what does half year again what's its accessory giant t-shirts with the painted on bikini bodies nice okay.

[23:07] RJ Christian: Well I was just in my blood my logic was like a monocle like just half of the glasses.

[23:13] Maddie Murphy: Oh but here's but then you'll look like a villain from Hellboy yes is that a problem no no no absolutely not just it's a different it's a different message but I mean the hot summer works yeah hell boy hot summer hell boy hell boy day help hell day.

[23:29] Diego F. Salinas: I think skirts like uh grass skirts like fake grass skirts and they all have the year then everybody's gonna think you're going to a Jimmy Buffett concert.

[23:38] RJ Christian: Yeah dude and if you're wearing a bunch of Hawaiian shirts you might be storming the capitals that's true yeah that's rough honestly Murray you you and your just general vibe these boys like people are making it really difficult for me to live in my aesthetic right now it's annoying.

[23:48] Maddie Murphy: Yeah why paint the nails baby but then then this is what I also have discovered much easier to winter clean than spring clean huh because it's like yeah well I don't know right now I'm only wearing about five pieces of clothing and also if something is gonna like spark joy it's got a fucking spark joy right like it's really got nothing half-ass at this time it's so much easier to get rid of your shit like that's what we have been we went down to we're trying to get our in-laws to move and they're trying to throw away their shit and when your parents like are clinging to their shit and won't throw it away you come back to your own apartment and start looking around and going like no I'm not dying with any of this like we're just getting rid of stuff.

[24:34] Diego F. Salinas: And I was like this is it this is it's so easy to get rid of shit in December and January I can't speak for Diego but I know so this past 2024 I moved three times yeah let me tell you moving is the great thing where you're like oh this thing that I cherish the moment I have to pack it in a box and think through the logistics of carrying I was like no trash I'll make new memories this it's so nice to be like get done who needs trophies.

[24:56] Maddie Murphy: 100 I mean I feel you like you came here with like a suitcase and a half and a backpack like yeah Diego's looking for a couch if anybody has a good New York thrift store so if you're in the 1500 just ship it to the theater it's okay if somebody has previously died on that couch in fact it's preferred preferred yeah broken in he likes to smell I don't want to get the blood bring it with you and give it to him at pre-show yeah we we will stage door if there are enough of you out there clamoring for it you can't just give me the couch that.

[25:40] RJ Christian: Thank you guys so much!

[25:43] Maddie Murphy: We're trying to recreate our own Friends opening sequence moment, so if you could do that.

[25:48] Diego F. Salinas: It's gonna look great in the fountain in my living room.

[25:52] RJ Christian: And the one lamp.

[25:53] Maddie Murphy: The one single, and that is actually, I am also looking for a lamp.

[25:57] Diego F. Salinas: All that's the same.

[25:58] Maddie Murphy: You just need a Friends intro.

[25:59] RJ Christian: I need a Friends intro so that my apartment finally feels like a home, and I don't have to use my dreaded top light.

[26:03] Maddie Murphy: This explains why every time I see Diego, he quietly sings under his breath, I'll be there for you, while just hammering talkies and slightly crying.

[26:16] RJ Christian: You say you want me to take that couch from you? Okay.

[26:20] Maddie Murphy: The one where they all had blue diarrhea.

[26:25] Diego F. Salinas: See, on the subject of things that are oddly related to Maddie and things that are about moving.

[26:30] Maddie Murphy: I really thought you were doing a segue from Blue Diarrhea. Anyway.

[26:34] RJ Christian: On Blue Diarrhea, my morning sucked.

[26:39] Maddie Murphy: Maddie, you are always so gracious when you have Blue Diarrhea.

[26:41] RJ Christian: I'm just really impressed by it.

[26:43] Maddie Murphy: I thought about that this morning. Whenever you have Blue Diarrhea, you never make it a big deal. It's a, like, guys, it might be a streak. And you just let it go.

[26:50] RJ Christian: Thank you. It's my all blueberry and blue Gatorade diet.

[26:55] Maddie Murphy: Guys, not drinking Coke Zero is really hard for me.

[26:59] Diego F. Salinas: Maddie, please, you have to drink water.

[27:01] Maddie Murphy: Just drink water.

[27:02] RJ Christian: I want to be Violet Beauregarde or nothing.

[27:05] Maddie Murphy: On February 1st, give me a blue carousel on the rocks, please. Double.

[27:09] Diego F. Salinas: Oh, God.

[27:10] Maddie Murphy: Oh, triple.

[27:11] RJ Christian: Oh, Hypnotique.

[27:13] Maddie Murphy: Oh, God.

[27:14] Diego F. Salinas: That's Smurf Essence.

[27:17] RJ Christian: Madeline Smurfy.

[27:20] Maddie Murphy: You've caught me.

[27:22] RJ Christian: Dear God, oh, no.

[27:24] Maddie Murphy: I keep trying to make Murray into Papa Smurf.

[27:27] Diego F. Salinas: Which one has the beard?

[27:28] Maddie Murphy: Wouldn't be hard.

[27:29] RJ Christian: Yeah, Papa Smurf.

[27:30] Maddie Murphy: That's why I keep-

[27:30] Diego F. Salinas: This one is just weight.

[27:31] Maddie Murphy: I keep putting a tiny little pointed white hat on.

[27:35] RJ Christian: Like, is it a sock or a little hat?

[27:38] Maddie Murphy: It's a little hat.

[27:39] Diego F. Salinas: Papa Smurf has the one who wears red, though, because he's an analog for Karl Marx in communism.

[27:45] Maddie Murphy: I don't know if you're telling the truth.

[27:46] RJ Christian: Smurfs are about communism.

[27:48] Maddie Murphy: Look it up.

[27:49] Diego F. Salinas: Oh, that's like how Wizard of Oz is about the gold standard of currency.

[27:52] Maddie Murphy: Is it?

[27:54] RJ Christian: Frank Baum really loved the gold.

[27:58] Maddie Murphy: Yellow Brick Road.

[27:59] Diego F. Salinas: And talking.

[28:00] RJ Christian: Bah!

[28:02] Maddie Murphy: Oh, I'm writing this fucking book.

[28:03] RJ Christian: Oh, I love this movie.

[28:04] Maddie Murphy: And this is when everyone shuts off the podcast.

[28:06] Diego F. Salinas: Yeah, right.

[28:07] RJ Christian: No, I love-

[28:08] Maddie Murphy: It was a New Year's episode, and then it turned into a Conspiracy Theory episode.

[28:11] Diego F. Salinas: But we should do that in the future, for sure.

[28:14] Maddie Murphy: Anyways, when I moved, I had to throw out my big container of MSG.

[28:18] RJ Christian: And it made me very sad.

[28:19] Maddie Murphy: How big was the container?

[28:20] Diego F. Salinas: It was like a hefty-

[28:22] Maddie Murphy: Think about the Norton Salt standard container. It was like that much MSG.

[28:27] RJ Christian: It's a lot of MSG.

[28:28] Maddie Murphy: I was very sad to lose it, but it was because we had bugs, and they didn't want to track the bugs over.

[28:33] Diego F. Salinas: No.

[28:33] RJ Christian: What are the bugs in the MSG?

[28:34] Maddie Murphy: Yeah, I feel like MSG is inhospitable for bugs.

[28:38] Diego F. Salinas: You're speaking to the choir.

[28:39] Maddie Murphy: I want my MSG!

[28:41] RJ Christian: I'm just saying, once you gave up your MSG, did all the hives and the rashes stop?

[28:45] Maddie Murphy: No, they're still going.

[28:47] RJ Christian: I'm breaking out right now, just thinking about it.

[28:50] Maddie Murphy: Maybe you should be rubbing yourself in MSG.

[28:52] RJ Christian: You need more MSG.

[28:53] Maddie Murphy: You need a barrel of it.

[28:54] RJ Christian: Listen, I'm already savory enough.

[28:56] Diego F. Salinas: Yeah.

[28:57] Maddie Murphy: Oh, mommy!

[28:59] RJ Christian: Have you met oh, papi?

[29:02] Maddie Murphy: Okay, person who left our jam red, you listen to that right now, and you just imagine him slathered in MSG, just bench pressing.

[29:08] Diego F. Salinas: We're gonna dry him out like a mummy, like a Peruvian mummy.

[29:12] Maddie Murphy: Imagine a jacked, desiccated husk.

[29:15] RJ Christian: You're throwing out my MSG!

[29:16] Maddie Murphy: Oh, I'm popping out of here!

[29:20] RJ Christian: I wish I was on Tinder so I could put jacked, desiccated husk as my bio.

[29:27] Maddie Murphy: God damn it.

[29:28] RJ Christian: That's me, just a jacked, desiccated husk, waiting for you to...

[29:33] Maddie Murphy: Hydrate me.

[29:34] RJ Christian: Hydrate me.

[29:35] Maddie Murphy: Just add water!

[29:36] RJ Christian: Like one of those little dinosaurs that you grow in your cup, the little pill sponges.

[29:40] Maddie Murphy: Yeah, and by hydrate me, it truly is Netflix and chiles.

[29:43] RJ Christian: Come over, we're gonna respectfully watch a show 10 feet away from each other on this couch Diego acquired, and we're going to drink iced water.

[29:50] Maddie Murphy: I'm gonna snort malic acid.

[29:53] RJ Christian: I'm getting on those Takis, baby.

[29:54] Maddie Murphy: I want what he's having.

[29:55] Diego F. Salinas: More like Malakai.

[29:57] RJ Christian: Malakai, baby!

[29:59] Maddie Murphy: Malakai!

[30:01] RJ Christian: Kitten Malakai.

[30:03] Maddie Murphy: Oh yeah, oh man.

[30:05] RJ Christian: Okay, well, let's end.

[30:08] Maddie Murphy: What's the thing you're leaving behind in 2024?

[30:11] RJ Christian: Anything.

[30:12] Maddie Murphy: We don't have to start new habits.

[30:15] Diego F. Salinas: What about...

[30:16] Maddie Murphy: You know what I'm leaving behind? I'm leaving behind the Takis chips, the unrolled ones.

[30:21] RJ Christian: I accidentally bought those.

[30:22] Maddie Murphy: They suck!

[30:23] Diego F. Salinas: They're not good Takis!

[30:25] RJ Christian: That's a Dorito!

[30:25] Maddie Murphy: It's a Dorito!

[30:26] Diego F. Salinas: And it's not as good as a Taki.

[30:28] Maddie Murphy: I'm leaving those behind. I'm never getting those again.

[30:30] RJ Christian: Okay, I like...

[30:30] Maddie Murphy: You have yes-ed me very well.

[30:32] Diego F. Salinas: What is a superficial tiny thing we will have no more of in 2024?

[30:36] Maddie Murphy: 2025.

[30:36] RJ Christian: Going forward, we just refuse.

[30:38] Maddie Murphy: I think that's a really great one.

[30:40] Diego F. Salinas: Things trying to be things that they're not.

[30:42] Maddie Murphy: Shut up.

[30:43] RJ Christian: We have this already, Takis.

[30:44] Maddie Murphy: I'm leaving behind baking soda toothpaste.

[30:48] RJ Christian: I love toothpaste.

[30:49] Maddie Murphy: I love brushing my teeth. And when it has baking soda flavor in it, fuck that shit.

[30:53] RJ Christian: Give me just a straight-up minty Colgate baking soda toothpaste.

[30:57] Maddie Murphy: Some people buy it. They're like, I like the flavor. No, it's 2025.

[31:00] RJ Christian: I need a goddamn fucking freshness stripe in this bitch or get out.

[31:04] Maddie Murphy: You gotta promise me that my teeth will get whiter, even though they won't.

[31:07] RJ Christian: Yes.

[31:08] Maddie Murphy: I want a mint to punch me in the face. That's how I know I'm clean.

[31:12] Diego F. Salinas: Yeah.

[31:12] Maddie Murphy: Can you imagine, just like imagine for a moment, like a savory toothpaste?

[31:18] RJ Christian: Like an apple cinnamon...

[31:19] Maddie Murphy: Oh god, MSG.

[31:21] RJ Christian: Honestly, you could.

[31:23] Maddie Murphy: Sprinkle a little bit of MSG onto your toothpaste, brush your teeth, and your teeth would be as clean as if you had.

[31:28] RJ Christian: That's true.

[31:29] Maddie Murphy: It probably would not be detrimental to your teeth.

[31:32] Diego F. Salinas: What are the odds?

[31:34] Maddie Murphy: Who's got MSG at home right now?

[31:36] RJ Christian: Me.

[31:40] Maddie Murphy: Like a whole slab.

[31:43] Diego F. Salinas: If someone wants to send some MSG to the theater, that'd be really great.

[31:46] Maddie Murphy: Yeah, just leave it next to the couch.

[31:49] RJ Christian: In the cushions.

[31:51] Diego F. Salinas: Apollo's gonna roll a fucking barrel of it down the aisles now.

[31:57] Maddie Murphy: Throw it like salt.

[32:00] RJ Christian: Like an MSG...

[32:01] Diego F. Salinas: ...flower piece by piece every time you come and see the show.

[32:06] Maddie Murphy: Oh, here's another...

[32:07] RJ Christian: Like your Andy Dufresne tunneling out of your shot thing, just in your pockets, just like trailing MSG.

[32:13] Maddie Murphy: It's like shipping a bottle, but a couch in my apartment.

[32:17] RJ Christian: A piece at a time.

[32:18] Maddie Murphy: Here's another superficial one, though, that I thought of and I'm very passionate about.

[32:22] Diego F. Salinas: I'm saying goodbye to shitty donuts.

[32:25] Maddie Murphy: I love donuts, and we, especially, we live within, like, walking distance of five great donut bakeries.

[32:31] RJ Christian: I don't fucks with bad donuts no more.

[32:34] Maddie Murphy: No, no, that's untenable.

[32:36] Diego F. Salinas: Bombalonies in my cojones, baby.

[32:41] RJ Christian: Say it again.

[32:42] Maddie Murphy: Krispy Kreme is the dream.

[32:43] RJ Christian: You want me to say it in exactly the same way?

[32:45] Maddie Murphy: Yeah.

[32:45] RJ Christian: Bombalonies in my cojones, baby.

[32:51] Maddie Murphy: Second read better?

[32:51] Diego F. Salinas: I think we got it.

[32:53] RJ Christian: Yeah, we got that one.

[32:54] Maddie Murphy: We're coming into the studio, yeah, we're doing it.

[32:56] RJ Christian: Thank you so much, and should I call you, or...

[32:59] Maddie Murphy: Um, we'll... we've got our people.

[33:01] RJ Christian: Why are you burning my resume in front of me?

[33:03] Maddie Murphy: No, that's... we do that with all the resumes.

[33:05] Diego F. Salinas: Oh.

[33:06] Maddie Murphy: It's an old accounting tradition.

[33:07] RJ Christian: It's, uh, yeah, it's, uh...

[33:08] Maddie Murphy: Thin walls, thin windows.

[33:09] RJ Christian: Theater magic, don't you know.

[33:11] Maddie Murphy: Why do you all have knives?

[33:12] RJ Christian: Oh, we're gonna fight.

[33:13] Maddie Murphy: Oh.

[33:14] RJ Christian: This has nothing to do with this.

[33:15] Maddie Murphy: Actually, this has nothing to do with me.

[33:17] Diego F. Salinas: We're trying to figure out who's gonna be executive producer.

[33:19] RJ Christian: Yeah, yeah, yeah, only one of us can actually win, so.

[33:21] Maddie Murphy: Oh, great.

[33:22] RJ Christian: Well, I look forward to...

[33:22] Maddie Murphy: One of us will call you, the other two will be dead.

[33:25] RJ Christian: Okay, I look forward to you hearing from me.

[33:26] Maddie Murphy: Excuse me, miss, you have a little blue streak on the back of your dress.

[33:29] RJ Christian: Oh, no, no, no, that's just shit.

[33:33] Maddie Murphy: Smurfs are talkies.

[33:35] Diego F. Salinas: Little Callum A. Callum B.

[33:37] Maddie Murphy: You know what? We will give you a call back.

[33:39] RJ Christian: You're cool as hell.

[33:41] Maddie Murphy: Oh, she's cool as hell, guys.

[33:45] Diego F. Salinas: And that's the energy we're bringing into 2025.

[33:47] Maddie Murphy: That's it, baby, knife fights and confident diarrhea.

[33:51] RJ Christian: That's what we're doing.

[33:53] Maddie Murphy: And just remember, listeners, if you happen to be out and about and you do shit yourself, it's okay.

[33:59] RJ Christian: It really is.

[34:00] Maddie Murphy: It's gonna be okay.

[34:01] RJ Christian: It's happened to most...

[34:04] Maddie Murphy: People.

[34:04] RJ Christian: Blood.

[34:05] Maddie Murphy: Okay, so you say that as if you haven't shit yourself.

[34:08] RJ Christian: Fine, I have.

[34:09] Maddie Murphy: And guess what? It sucks, but you will be fine.

[34:11] RJ Christian: Yeah, you'll live through it.

[34:12] Maddie Murphy: Most of the time, nobody knows.

[34:14] RJ Christian: I'm shit adjacent to myself.

[34:18] Maddie Murphy: Explain, please.

[34:18] RJ Christian: Yeah, you're not getting out of that.

[34:21] Maddie Murphy: We're coming up on the end of this podcast, and the end is going to be...

[34:24] RJ Christian: We're not going to mention any of this in the notes, but like, yes.

[34:27] Maddie Murphy: How did you shit accidentally near yourself?

[34:29] RJ Christian: Adjacent to yourself.

[34:30] Maddie Murphy: Did you?

[34:31] RJ Christian: Did it, like, spit from your body like that dinosaur in Jurassic Park that killed Newman?

[34:35] Maddie Murphy: Less like a dilophosaur.

[34:37] RJ Christian: Did you diloph...

[34:38] Maddie Murphy: Dilophoshit?

[34:40] RJ Christian: More like I intentionally swamped a canoe on a Boy Scout trip so that I could shit in the river.

[34:46] Maddie Murphy: Oh!

[34:46] RJ Christian: Oh!

[34:47] Maddie Murphy: Oh no, that's...

[34:48] RJ Christian: That's crazy.

[34:48] Maddie Murphy: This is a story about how excellent you are and resourceful.

[34:51] RJ Christian: Oh, come on now.

[34:52] Maddie Murphy: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[34:53] RJ Christian: No, no, no.

[34:54] Maddie Murphy: I thought we were gonna have some horrible subway shame.

[34:57] RJ Christian: I thought...

[34:58] Maddie Murphy: Yeah, I thought you sneezed at the wrong time.

[35:00] RJ Christian: This is awesome.

[35:01] Maddie Murphy: Good on you for taking care of business in extraordinary landscapes.

[35:05] RJ Christian: Yeah.

[35:05] Maddie Murphy: Thank you, thank you.

[35:06] RJ Christian: And what is a river but a big bidet?

[35:08] Maddie Murphy: Yeah, absolutely.

[35:09] RJ Christian: Just a huge bidet.

[35:10] Maddie Murphy: And remember, we all bleed red, but only you shit blue.

[35:14] RJ Christian: No, that's me.

[35:14] Maddie Murphy: Oh, shit.

[35:15] RJ Christian: Maddie, only...

[35:16] Maddie Murphy: Well, I guess...

[35:17] RJ Christian: You know what?

[35:17] Maddie Murphy: The two of you...

[35:18] RJ Christian: Only we could...

[35:19] Maddie Murphy: And red, white, and blue.

[35:22] RJ Christian: Blue...

[35:22] Maddie Murphy: For the America, for the July.

[35:25] RJ Christian: Can you see?

[35:26] Maddie Murphy: We left RJ on red.

[35:28] Diego F. Salinas: On January 6th.

[35:30] Maddie Murphy: We're not doing all right, and we all shit blue.

[35:32] RJ Christian: I look at my messages, and then I pound two pounds of Takis in the gym.

[35:37] Maddie Murphy: I'm gonna change all of my behaviors on July 4th.

[35:40] RJ Christian: Oh, is that right now?

[35:41] Maddie Murphy: Are we?

[35:42] RJ Christian: I didn't get you guys anything.

[35:44] Maddie Murphy: I was...

[35:44] RJ Christian: And the holiday just slipped away from me.

[35:47] Maddie Murphy: I have been sitting here.

[35:48] RJ Christian: I wake up on insurrection day, waiting for my gift.

[35:52] Maddie Murphy: And what...

[35:53] RJ Christian: And I get nothing?

[35:56] Maddie Murphy: Just the fact that Murray flew us out to the Capitol is not enough for me.

[35:59] RJ Christian: All right, guys.

[35:59] Maddie Murphy: You guys, we're ready?

[36:00] RJ Christian: I think that's...

[36:01] Maddie Murphy: We've been recording for about 45 minutes.

[36:03] RJ Christian: I've got a bunch of Tiki torches.

[36:06] Maddie Murphy: It's time to go, like, let these people know that we have the power in this country.

[36:10] RJ Christian: I hate this so much.

[36:12] Maddie Murphy: It's terrible.

[36:13] RJ Christian: We're gonna end up on a list, depending on what parts of this episode air.

[36:16] Maddie Murphy: Yeah, a bunch of lists.

[36:19] RJ Christian: Like a...

[36:19] Maddie Murphy: Like a list for health insurance companies, for sure.

[36:22] RJ Christian: I think I'm on a list of Imodium to send sponsorships.

[36:25] Maddie Murphy: Yeah, absolutely.

[36:27] RJ Christian: We're gonna get a bunch of...

[36:29] Maddie Murphy: A bunch of bidets are just gonna arrive at the theater, which is okay.

[36:32] RJ Christian: That would be the greatest day of Diego's life.

[36:35] Maddie Murphy: We need sponsors.

[36:37] RJ Christian: No, we don't, but it'd be nice if we had one.

[36:39] Maddie Murphy: I need a sponsor.

[36:40] RJ Christian: You can send us free shit, couches, and MSG to the theater.

[36:43] Maddie Murphy: Yep, we love it.

[36:44] Diego F. Salinas: Stage 42.

[36:46] Maddie Murphy: Specify stage door.

[36:48] Diego F. Salinas: Care of Diego Epsilenis.

[36:53] Maddie Murphy: I think that's a pretty excellent call to action to end on.

[36:56] RJ Christian: Amen.

[36:57] Maddie Murphy: Friends, thank you for joining us.

[36:59] RJ Christian: We hope that you are leaving behind garbage and manifesting things if you want to or if you don't.

[37:06] Maddie Murphy: It doesn't matter, I think, is what we have gotten to.

[37:10] RJ Christian: Whether you decide to change your life now or in the middle of July when you're lazy and hot and long.

[37:15] Maddie Murphy: I think just follow your curiosity and your bliss.

[37:18] RJ Christian: Yep, and don't drink Coke Zeroes.

[37:21] Maddie Murphy: They're bad for you.

[37:22] RJ Christian: Can't aspartame me.

[37:24] Maddie Murphy: No, seriously, don't do it.

[37:25] RJ Christian: It's a poor choice.

[37:27] Maddie Murphy: You want to talkie another shot at that joke?

[37:33] RJ Christian: It's the Hale and Wellman 20-sided podcast.

[37:37] Maddie Murphy: All jokes are perfect.

[37:38] RJ Christian: They don't need redoing.

[37:40] Maddie Murphy: We love stuff and we love ourselves.

[37:43] RJ Christian: We're so excited to bring in 2025.

[37:48] Maddie Murphy: Did you reuse your 2020-12 song?

[37:54] RJ Christian: Nat 20.

[37:55] Maddie Murphy: Let's do the thing, though.

[37:57] All: Hale and Wellman!

[37:59] All: See you next week, nerds.