This transcript was automatically generated and might contain errors.

[0:00] Will Champion: Can we do it like a cinematic Marvel music? Can everybody give me like an underscore?

[0:30] Will Champion: Four years later. Get ready. In a galaxy far, far away. Where nerds flourish. We need more power! And have time to play games. They gather around a table. I have to take responsibility to show everyone what happens when you have might. Debate. Desire. Ambition. I want to join a team. Thirst for power. And a big juicy fat ass. This is time for the 20-sided tavern to gather for a new game. Super Fight. And with their song, ba-da-ba-da-ba-ba-ba! That's 20!

[1:19] Will Champion: Wow, we got there in the end. Holy shit. That felt great. I love the underscoring. I was going to say, hi, my name's Will. I'm a swing hero at the 20-sided tavern and welcome back to Ale and Well Met. If anybody listening to this podcast doesn't know who you are at this point, go back and listen to all the other episodes, you jerks. Also, he's the guy who kissed Astarian. Apparently, that's all I'll ever be known for for the rest of time. The other British guy. Okay, you know what, I'll take it. Even after Neil leaves, you'll still be the other British guy. Legend still.

[2:02] Will Champion: I have brought to the podcast today the game that we stopped playing in college because people didn't want to play with me anymore. And now, I've brought it to you. I can honestly, I can see that, like, dark Will, just you, also in my mind, you're just sweating cheap beer and you are screaming.

[2:18] Diego F. Salinas: First of all, first of all, cheap beer? How dare you? It was Stella and nothing else at the time. Stella Cider.

[2:26] Will Champion: You have to take special trips to get your Stella Cider in college. Also, cider is not beer. You're drinking juice.

[2:32] Maddelyn Murphy: I was licking Keystone Light off the floor. We're going to play a game here, dammit. This game is called Super Fight and who's here playing it with me? What? Who's here playing this game with me?

[2:47] Diego F. Salinas: Oh, yeah. There's other ones of us here. I'm Diego. I'm here.

[2:52] Cassidy Sledge: You kissed Astarian, too.

[2:54] Diego F. Salinas: I have kissed Astarian and we have touched necks each other.

[2:59] Cassidy Sledge: Yeah, you necked. A lot of necking. I'm here. I'm Cassidy. I think I might be the only person in this room who hasn't kissed Astarian and I feel weird about that.

[3:03] Maddelyn Murphy: No, I'm Alex and I have also not kissed Astarian yet. We're getting there. I've got a couple more chances.

[3:07] Maddelyn Murphy: Yeah. Hi, I'm Maddie. You've kissed everybody.

[3:15] Maddelyn Murphy: I do. My smooch gauntlet is full and I am grateful. I do. I need a new smooch every week or my heart will stop.

[3:20] Will Champion: Your smooch gauntlet is just like rhinestone studded. The whole thing is just bedazzled. Everyone I meet, I go, hi, it's so lovely to meet you. I'm so looking forward to building together this trust and this community. Also, your mouth is going to touch my mouth.

[3:30] Will Champion: I need everyone to know what the noise that Will just made. He fully licked the microphone. Again, this is an insight. When we record the Bars of New York podcast at home for a while, they had to get me my own mic because of how much I put it inside my mouth.

[3:46] Maddelyn Murphy: No, you do have a giant mouth. I say that in a good thing. You can swallow your fist. Absolutely. For sure. Anyway. Super Fight. So this game, the way this game functions is that there are some cards with people, things, animals and creatures on them and cards with random powers on them. You're going to take in sort of 1v1 scenarios. You're going to take three options from the characters, three options from the powers. Assemble one from each to make your fighter. You'll stand off in a duel with your other player here. Draw one more random power. Argue or defend your character for a minute each. See who's strongest. Then we here at the table will vote on who would win that fight.

[4:28] Will Champion: The baseline rules. Every character is sentient and knows they're in a fight, wants to actively murder the opponent, can move in order to do so. And should we say the whole thing is taking place in the streets of New York City? Classic? Or like on a deserted island? Can we do it like the Ninja Turtles game where it's in that alley?

[4:43] Diego F. Salinas: I'm thinking of the Simpsons game.

[4:45] Will Champion: We all know the game. The old school? Yeah, the arcade game where you can play as the four Simpsons? Yeah, and it's just all on a street. Or like the X-Men arcade game, like some ram alley.

[4:57] Cassidy Sledge: Absolutely. 2D side-scrolling cityscape. Perfect. So you always start the super fight with the youngest player. I believe that's you, Cass.

[5:05] Cassidy Sledge: Hello, that's me. And then rule state, it's them versus the person to the left. We could do youngest versus oldest. I'm ready.

[5:13] Diego F. Salinas: Okay, let's do it. I'm ready. As mentally an 86-year-old man, I'll take the oldest. Are you the official timekeeper, William? Excellent. I am so excited to hate all of y'all in like 40 minutes.

[5:28] Will Champion: I also, just to paint the scene, I want to say that this game table we have is a classic game table in that there are a variety of drinks and sugars and a single cup of fries to be split among five people. So it really is reminiscent of college. We're also keeping score on napkins with a sharpie we found. So like, yeah, this is very, very basement coded. There's a hamster running on a wheel keeping the lights on.

[5:56] Will Champion: So you each have your three cards of each. You need to pick one from each pile and then the rest... We can look at them. You on your own can look at them. Great. Count them to each other. You're going to pick one from each and discard the rest.

[6:09] Cassidy Sledge: Oh my God. Okay. Oh, your pick. Oh, you get to pick. You get to, there's a design phase here.

[6:15] Will Champion: Yeah. Okay. Cassidy and Diego are deep into their hero design. So while they do that, I would love to learn more. Will, was there a singular inciting incident where people went, I'm not playing with that guy anymore?

[6:27] Will Champion: I reignited this argument here today because I reread the rules and I know I'm right for a fact. You've had years to dwell on it. The conceit in question was, my character was a 40 foot tall vagina, right? That was the character. The power I had pulled was, has literal fire crotch. Okay. So my argument was this thing, again, under the rules that it can, has to be able to fight and think and move. This thing is a 40 foot tall vagina. Since it is itself the pinnacle of a crotch, right? It has, it's like the human crotch. It's a flaming vagina. Yes. It's a biblically accurate vagina. My argument was that of course this thing is able to fly using said power. Yes. I was, that ended the game. What? That was the argument. It ended the game. We're still fighting about it 11 years later.

[7:18] Diego F. Salinas: The human crotch physics should be in touch there. The argument was that because it didn't say that it was a sentient vagina.

[7:23] Will Champion: Did they think that you should just sit there and flop around and ooze and burn?

[7:28] Diego F. Salinas: Yes. What do you think a vagina does normally? Flop around.

[7:34] Will Champion: Speaking of which, we now have our two fighters assembled. What do you mean speaking of which? So flip them over folks. Cassidy, what you got?

[7:39] Cassidy Sledge: I have a bodybuilder that can summon anything from a hardware store.

[7:44] Diego F. Salinas: Sick. And I have a bionic Martha Stewart. Okay. So I should clarify, in the rules, if something is unclear, if a card is simple and unclear, you the player get to clarify what parameters that is. For the example they give is if the card simply says Jason, you can decide if it's Jason Voorhees, Jason Bourne, or Jason the Red Power Ranger. Right? So bionic, you get to determine what that means.

[8:05] Cassidy Sledge: I'm really thinking like RoboCop, like Martha Stewart was in some sort of acting accident and they built her back better and stronger.

[8:14] Diego F. Salinas: Oh, but can it be out of kitchen parts? Just powerful restaurant grade kitchen parts.

[8:20] Will Champion: Oh my god. Before we dive in, you each draw now one at random for the power.

[8:25] Cassidy Sledge: Oh shit, I just realized I got Martha Stewart and Meryl Streep mixed up in my head.

[8:29] Diego F. Salinas: You did, but that's okay. You picked the meaner and more vicious of the two for sure.

[8:35] Will Champion: Okay, reveal your second power. Mine is on a segue. I got armed with a tranquilizer gun. Wow.

[8:43] Will Champion: Okay, so starting with the youngest here, your minute to defend your character begins now.

[8:49] Cassidy Sledge: All right, bodybuilders. We all know that they're strong as fuck. Can summon anything from a hardware store? We all know that one of the easiest ways that any human being can die is fucking around with their garage door. Those garage door springs, dude. You're laughing, but it's right. It's true. I'm thinking of this bodybuilder's on a segue. She has several garage door elevator springs that he's got them all, he's ready, and he just lets them rip at Martha Stewart. Who gives a shit if she's bionic? These things will tear through metal, they'll tear through body. That's kind of my whole argument actually.

[9:30] Diego F. Salinas: That's the one tool you're on is the garage door springs, nothing else? We got power saws? Because if you're summoning them, like, nope, sorry, I'm not part of this.

[9:34] Cassidy Sledge: No, no, please, Murray.

[9:40] Diego F. Salinas: I was going to say if you're summoning them, you can summon them wildly, right? So that can be part of flinging it, right?

[9:44] Cassidy Sledge: Yeah. I will also posit that he's on a segue, so he's conserving strength. Bodybuilder's time is done. Diego, your time to defend bionic Martha Stewart begins now.

[9:55] Diego F. Salinas: You find yourself on a deserted alley. A broken down blender next to an open door. Suddenly it transforms. It is Martha Stewart. She is fully robotic sentient. She's got like that red laser eye. She's got a tranquilizer gun in hand. That bodybuilder does not have any body armor. Bodybuilders, if they're wearing anything, it's like a muscle tank and some like short shorts. Also, he forgot to summon any protective anything. Absolutely. There is nothing stopping me. I feel like with the bionic Martha Stewart, she would have that eye tracking thing, like heat seeking vision, full on predator mode. So all I need is one clean shot. I think I can outmaneuver.

[10:36] Cassidy Sledge: You're telling me that she transformed from a blender so much of her body is made of glass? No. Haven't you seen a metal blender? No. All right. Invalidated. Go back to your garage door.

[10:49] Diego F. Salinas: Okay, go back now. Each of you has one minute to convince us you know what a blender looks like. I believe in the future of blender technology. I'm just saying if Martha Stewart has access to all of like this like fucking like cybernetic augmentation, she can definitely get one clean shot in with this drink.

[11:04] Will Champion: The deliberation period has expired. As a table, who votes for the bodybuilder with garage tools?

[11:13] Cassidy Sledge: I do.

[11:15] Will Champion: That is one vote. That is one vote. The winner of this round is bionic Martha Stewart.

[11:21] Diego F. Salinas: I think you were cooked as soon as Martha Stewart hit the table, dude. Martha does not fuck around. Can we can we add one more element to this game, which is I want like how a superhero has a catchphrase or an iconic sound or something. If you win, can can it be like Martha Stewart and you give whatever is her...

[11:37] Will Champion: Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I got you. Yeah. Introduce her. Martha Stewart wins. Get ready to get blended, bucko.

[11:52] Cassidy Sledge: Yes. Okay. Yes. So this is fantastic. We need to reskin this entirely as like a mortal. Yeah, that's what it is. We're in an arena. It's just post-apocalyptic streetscape. Martha Stewart, you have defended yourself. You are now the reigning champion. Now, Maddie Murphy will build a character, has a minute to defend that character, and then we will vote on character versus Martha Stewart.

[12:17] Maddelyn Murphy: Oh, shit. This is wild. Excited. Okay. Yeah. Whatever. We're all interrupting anyway.

[12:23] Diego F. Salinas: Yeah. I mean, we can, but do I have an opportunity to like kind of respond to like the challenge? I think that would be fun.

[12:28] Will Champion: I'm just going to say based on what we literally just did, we gave a minute to each of us. I was kind of done with my pitch by 30 seconds in and then Murray chimed in and then Diego was done about 30 seconds in and then I posited an argument. So I feel like within the minute, it's 30 seconds of just, here's what I think, and then if someone has a clarifying point.

[12:45] Diego F. Salinas: So now Will is a fair and just debate moderator here. I feel like as long as we're all being civil and respectful to each other as we try to murder each other with garage door springs, we're in good shape. I think, how do we want to feel about this? Because we could say that Martha Stewart gets a chance to respond against the new enemy.

[13:05] Cassidy Sledge: Absolutely. Great. Perfect. Oh, so she has an opportunity attack with me. No, no, no, no, no. You go first and then like, yeah, I see. Okay. Well, I will unveil. This is the Pope that can kill with a kiss.

[13:22] Diego F. Salinas: Oh, okay. You get a third specific Pope, a third power to write any specific Pope. Isn't there one? Yes, but how many have there been? Same one for an amalgamation of all of them. Is there a fictional Pope you enjoy? I think that the Popes enter an avatar state. So all Popes have all papal memory.

[13:39] Cassidy Sledge: The Pope, pick your random power. You're about to get Bene Gesserit.

[13:45] Diego F. Salinas: Yeah, the John Paul and Frost Breath. Oh, I love a Pope that can do mouth work. The mouth Pope.

[13:51] Will Champion: Okay. I think you just mean the Pope. Your Pope defense begins now.

[14:08] Diego F. Salinas: So first and foremost, the Pope with all papal avatar energy behind him has a breadth and a wealth of knowledge, history, and just extreme suppression of the people. Also, not only does the Pope come in play, but anybody who believes at all in what the Pope represents is basically my army. I have millions of people at my back at any time. And final thing is, what does one do with the Pope? You have to kiss the ring. I would posit that any type of kiss applies. So you have to, it's basically in order to face the Pope, if you are going to step into my Pope zone, I extend the ring and you have to kiss it. And if you refuse, blast you with Frost Breath.

[14:51] Maddie Murphy: Can I ask, is Frost Breath like a Frozone thing? Like can it create like ice shields and stuff?

[14:56] Diego F. Salinas: Yeah, 100% so I can't defend myself. Thank you for that.

[14:58] Maddie Murphy: I would also just like to throw in as well that Martha Stewart did grow up Catholic in New Jersey.

[15:03] Will Champion: The ultimate weakness!

[15:05] Maddie Murphy: Her confirmation name was Grace.

[15:07] Diego F. Salinas: Okay. Alright. As someone who also grew up Catholic, I don't deal with the Pope.

[15:14] Will Champion: I think that is a fucking valiant effort. I think, oh man, I'm wondering, it's not a compulsion to kiss the ring, is it? It has to be of your own volition?

[15:26] Maddie Murphy: No.

[15:28] Will Champion: Alright.

[15:30] Maddie Murphy: Again, I would think...

[15:32] Diego F. Salinas: How are you going to fight it? How does she fight that compulsion off?

[15:35] Maddie Murphy: Yeah, I mean, I would say like it's kind of like even if the animal part of Martha is convinced, the mechanical part, that is completely detached from God.

[15:44] Will Champion: We are completely Godless in the digital sphere. There is no God that tethers us when we are on that www.com, baby.

[15:51] Maddie Murphy: So I think if there is 51% of Martha Stewart that is bionic, since I'm going with the Robocop angle, I think that is a majority of her. I think she can resist.

[16:00] Diego F. Salinas: When she shoots the tranquilizer gun, what does it look like? Is that like a metal sheath? Is it a bullet?

[16:07] Maddie Murphy: I mean, I was kind of imagining like an old-fashioned blowgun.

[16:12] Diego F. Salinas: Okay, canonically, it's a blowgun, which again, with frost breath, not going to get through an ice wall.

[16:16] Maddie Murphy: And also, should your bionic self refuse, that's when I just frost you into place, and that's when I just come forward with my little withered crony hand.

[16:25] Will Champion: I will say, the deliberation period has ended. It is time for a vote. Who votes for the reigning champion, Bionic Martha Stewart?

[16:35] Maddie Murphy: Not even me.

[16:37] Will Champion: No votes! A landslide victory for the Mouth Pope!

[16:41] Diego F. Salinas: There's a reason that Catholicism has been around as long as it has.

[16:45] Maddie Murphy: Also, the addition of frost breath is really brutal.

[16:49] Diego F. Salinas: Otherwise, I could have just brained an old dude.

[16:51] Maddie Murphy: Yeah, yeah.

[16:54] Diego F. Salinas: Okay, so may I get my, I'll come up with my Pope sound.

[16:57] Will Champion: Alright. Oh, yes.

[16:59] Diego F. Salinas: The Mouth Pope wins.

[17:02] Maddie Murphy: Oh, God!

[17:09] Diego F. Salinas: I tried to do my Italian hands, too.

[17:12] Will Champion: Alright, Mari, you're up against the Mouth Pope.

[17:14] Maddie Murphy: Three and three, yeah?

[17:16] Will Champion: Alright, let's deliberate a little bit here. Holy shit.

[17:18] Maddie Murphy: Alright. Oh, this is fun, because you get to think about who you're gonna do.

[17:24] Will Champion: Alright, wow.

[17:26] Maddie Murphy: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

[17:28] Will Champion: Okay.

[17:30] Maddie Murphy: Alright.

[17:32] Will Champion: Okay.

[17:34] Maddie Murphy: Here we go.

[17:36] Maddie Murphy: I am going to come out the gate as a...

[17:38] Will Champion: What do you have?

[17:40] Maddie Murphy: Oh, no, I don't want that one. Get out of here.

[17:42] Maddie Murphy: I want this. As a high school marching band that is nine feet tall.

[17:47] Will Champion: Okay. Oh, an army of giants.

[17:49] Maddie Murphy: Okay, yes. An army of musical, horny giants.

[17:53] Will Champion: Mm-hmm. Ready to go.

[17:55] Maddie Murphy: And then their other power is...

[17:57] Will Champion: No legs!

[18:04] Maddie Murphy: Okay. I'm ready. Wow.

[18:06] Will Champion: I'm into it. Okay.

[18:08] Maddie Murphy: Then paint us a picture of what a nine-foot-tall, no-legged marching band is.

[18:11] Diego F. Salinas: Oh, you bet your ass. Are you ready for this?

[18:13] Maddie Murphy: No. Here's the thing.

[18:15] Maddie Murphy: This is because they've all been replaced with tank treads. That's why they're nine feet tall.

[18:19] Maddie Murphy: So they're all on giant tank treads so that they can march and play forever. There's no exhaustion on the lower half of their body.

[18:25] Maddie Murphy: And also, they are now supported by robotics so that they can, like, play and play and play.

[18:31] Maddie Murphy: And what they're basically doing is a sonic assault. So, any frost breath coming at them is gonna get immediately shattered by all of them who are able to perfectly, like, hit whatever note that they can find to just shatter any ice.

[18:45] Diego F. Salinas: So the frost breath is negated. And then, I just think there are too many of them. If there are any group of people who don't give a fuck about authority, it's teenagers and the, like, high school marching band doesn't care about anybody other than their director specifically.

[19:00] Maddie Murphy: So they don't care about the Pope or his authority. They do not respond to his miter only the baton of their leader.

[19:06] Diego F. Salinas: And I don't think they're just gonna run you over and pound you to death.

[19:12] Will Champion: We have a lot of questions at this table. Please.

[19:14] Maddie Murphy: Would you argue that the high school marching band has a shit ton of projectiles because of all the mallets?

[19:18] Diego F. Salinas: Oh, absolutely.

[19:20] Maddie Murphy: They can hurl instruments. Also, they've a paper cut ability for, like, just a shower of sheet music can come at you from anywhere.

[19:28] Maddie Murphy: And also, the tickling capabilities from all of their big fluffy hats. I'm just imagining the origin stories here of, like, a government program that has taken a bunch of high school marching band people and attached things to it. It was a horrible accident. And they had to rebuild the whole marching band.

[19:46] Will Champion: Maddie, the Mouth Pope needs a rebuttal against the marching band.

[19:48] Maddie Murphy: Oh, the Mouth Pope has got a rebuttal. Here we go.

[19:54] Maddie Murphy: A very valid argument. However, you would say that the Frostbath can be defeated by discordant notes.

[19:58] Diego F. Salinas: I would also argue with tank treads.

[20:00] Maddie Murphy: Unfortunately, my guy, even tanks. It makes for difficult terrain.

[20:04] Maddie Murphy: Tanks do not handle ice well.

[20:06] Diego F. Salinas: They do and it's all cubed because it's been destroyed.

[20:10] Maddie Murphy: All I have to do is cast Frostbreath on the ground, creating basically a huge sheet of ice which can either thicken up where the treads can't support themselves, the tanks can't support themselves to crack through, and even if your music argument does work, it still makes difficult terrain throwing you back.

[20:28] Maddie Murphy: Also, I never limited what kiss meant. I would argue that Mouth Pope, if I hand you sheet music for, I don't know, Kiss from a Rose...

[20:36] Diego F. Salinas: Whoa, whoa, whoa.

[20:38] Maddie Murphy: What would compel them to play it?

[20:40] Diego F. Salinas: Again, if it's just a matter of Mouth Pope? They can't help it.

[20:44] Maddie Murphy: If you give a high school marching band Kiss from a Rose from the Grave, they will play it. And so they'll play it and then die. And then die.

[20:50] Maddie Murphy: I'm also saying, you know, much like the regular Pope, the Mouth Pope primarily begins as a passive attacker. People are coming to the Mouth Pope to seek advice, to do a kiss. They're not understanding that they're all actively in a fight.

[21:06] Will Champion: The negotiation period has come to an end. With the information on the table, who votes for the reigning champion, the Mouth Pope?

[21:12] Diego F. Salinas: That is four votes.

[21:14] Will Champion: That is four votes. One more time. The Mouth Pope wins.

[21:24] Maddie Murphy: Okay, here we go. I think it's going to be really hard to beat Mouth Pope.

[21:30] Diego F. Salinas: No, no, it's not.

[21:32] Maddie Murphy: As soon as something has fire damage, Mouth Pope is over.

[21:34] Diego F. Salinas: It was actually just because of the tank treads, where I'm like, actually, this might work in my favor with the ice.

[21:40] Maddie Murphy: I also did Google it. Tanks do not do well on ice.

[21:44] Diego F. Salinas: No, I don't know why, but the moment you said it, I was like, I know tank facts.

[21:48] Maddie Murphy: I know for a fact. That's why a World War I ice skating musical never took off.

[21:52] Diego F. Salinas: It never worked. It's the beautiful thing also about the first thought, best thought, I was like, oh god, no legs. I have to counteract no legs. And then, yeah.

[22:00] Maddie Murphy: I have a wizard.

[22:02] Diego F. Salinas: I'm going to specify this wizard.

[22:04] Maddie Murphy: Who do I want to go for here?

[22:12] Diego F. Salinas: It's a corporation.

[22:14] Maddie Murphy: Corporations are people.

[22:16] Diego F. Salinas: No.

[22:18] Maddie Murphy: I think I'm going here.

[22:22] Maddie Murphy: Mickey Mouse.

[22:24] Diego F. Salinas: No, we're going to keep it on topic. This is pre-Lich Vecna.

[22:30] Maddie Murphy: This is Vecna the wizard.

[22:32] Diego F. Salinas: Power throws fireballs.

[22:34] Maddie Murphy: Random power.

[22:38] Diego F. Salinas: Hates poops.

[22:40] Maddie Murphy: Hands are covered in butter, baby.

[22:44] Diego F. Salinas: That's an accelerant.

[22:46] Maddie Murphy: Butter is not an accelerant.

[22:48] Diego F. Salinas: You're thinking of only...

[22:50] Maddie Murphy: If you slip on butter, it makes you faster.

[22:56] Diego F. Salinas: A car's an accelerant.

[22:58] Maddie Murphy: I'm going to begin my deliberation period. I think this is a... We're going to call... I don't have a stat block for Vecna the human wizard, but anybody who attempts and succeeds in the process of becoming a lich is at least casting 9th level spells.

[23:14] Maddie Murphy: This is a wizard at the top of their game. Access to a huge amount of spells, including Time Stop, Meteor Swarm, Bad Shore, Teleportation of various kinds, throwing fireballs as a specialty, probably some serious fire cantrip abilities, hands covered in butter. Do you know how good I smell when those hands start getting covered in fire and butter? I'm seducing people into compliance with the smell of a beautifully warmed kitchen with a devastating magical arsenal at my disposal, to which death is not even that much of an obstacle to overcome.

[23:50] Diego F. Salinas: I am feeling potent. I am feeling powerful, and ice or kissing will stand in my way.

[23:56] Will Champion: A question from the people. Would you argue that your hands covered in butter would mean that your hands would cook when you threw a fireball? Thank you. I was about to throw that in your bitch-ass face.

[24:04] Diego F. Salinas: With the level of magical prowess, I think Regeneration's an easy spell to cast. Also, is the fireball coming out of your hand or are you hurling it from the weave?

[24:14] Maddie Murphy: You're manifesting it in front of your hands.

[24:16] Diego F. Salinas: If I'm throwing a fireball as per my special power, I'm probably yeeting it. If I'm wizarding fireballs, I'm casting it. I can mouth fireball. I can toe fireball. This is mastery at hand.

[24:26] Will Champion: The taint ball, for sure.

[24:28] Diego F. Salinas: Mr. Champion, that was a wonderful argument and a formidable opponent. However, I would say that you are a wizard. You are still limited by your spell slots.

[24:40] Diego F. Salinas: You have a limitation to how much you can do. You throw a fireball. Canonically, there's the potential that it immediately burns your hands, cindering you. You, therefore, have to cast Regeneration. You are running out of spell slots incredibly quickly, as long as... Don't you throw up your hands, Diego. As long as...

[25:00] Maddie Murphy: And I have Arcane Regeneration.

[25:02] Diego F. Salinas: But, the Pope...

[25:04] Maddie Murphy: What is the Pope but God's wizard? Unlimited spell slots, granted from high above and beyond that.

[25:08] Diego F. Salinas: Let's say that you try to defeat the Pope. My papal army of believers. Even if you could easily take care of them, we're talking about... I know that we're in an alleyway in New York City, but do you know how many crazy Catholics are just around?

[25:24] Maddie Murphy: My victory is not defined as to whether I'm defeated by your followers. All I have to do is kill you.

[25:28] Diego F. Salinas: Can the Pope blow a kiss?

[25:30] Maddie Murphy: Yes, of course.

[25:32] Diego F. Salinas: The Pope's also a cleric.

[25:34] Will Champion: Deliberation has ended. Who votes for the reigning champion, Mouth Pope?

[25:38] Diego F. Salinas: I'm sorry.

[25:40] Maddie Murphy: I think I have valid arguments.

[25:42] Diego F. Salinas: I mean, I do too.

[25:44] Maddie Murphy: What's almost getting me to raise my hand really is who can blow a kiss.

[25:48] Will Champion: Whose votes for the flame wizard?

[25:52] Diego F. Salinas: I gotta go for the wizard.

[25:54] Will Champion: That is two to three.

[25:56] Maddie Murphy: No, I think for me, it was also like I refuse to believe that the Pope actually has any magical powers at all.

[26:04] Diego F. Salinas: I think it's mostly influence.

[26:08] Maddie Murphy: He's got frost breath and kiss death, but the rest of the God shit is all fake.

[26:12] Diego F. Salinas: It's literally just a fucking robe and a toy.

[26:16] Maddie Murphy: It's not even limited by melee. It is a ranged death touch.

[26:20] Diego F. Salinas: That's great.

[26:22] Maddie Murphy: You need line of sight in order to blow a kiss.

[26:24] Diego F. Salinas: You're telling me.

[26:28] Will Champion: The votes are cast. Can somebody get me my mobile phone back? Get in the comments, everyone. Tell us why Mouth Pope would have won against Vekna.

[26:36] Maddie Murphy: One thing is Mouth Pope too is he had a good run.

[26:38] Diego F. Salinas: I also don't fucking believe in God, so it's okay.

[26:40] Maddie Murphy: It's okay.

[26:42] Diego F. Salinas: I love that you've let it go because while you were debating, I understand why people get pissed. I watch you fold the hands and be like, okay, okay, valid argument. I see what you're saying.

[26:54] Maddie Murphy: Do you want the Mortal Kombat? Give me the victory.

[27:00] Diego F. Salinas: Wait, what are you called?

[27:02] Maddie Murphy: Pre-Lich Vekna wins.

[27:04] Diego F. Salinas: Get burned, nerd.

[27:06] Maddie Murphy: Yay.

[27:08] Diego F. Salinas: Look at how pissed.

[27:10] Maddie Murphy: How absolutely like, oh, is that what you think? Okay.

[27:16] Diego F. Salinas: That's absolutely the pose I take when someone's pitching to me a movie that I don't want to see, and I go, yes, I understand.

[27:24] Maddie Murphy: When you see Fight Club, it's really good. It really dives into the psyche of the men in the 1990s.

[27:28] Diego F. Salinas: Also, that's the position I take when my seven-year-old nephew tries to argue with me, and I go, okay.

[27:34] Maddie Murphy: That was a good point.

[27:36] Diego F. Salinas: I do hear you, sufficiently outsmarted me, but as the adult, you cannot have this whole pie. Shut up.

[27:42] Maddie Murphy: You're right. You don't have school tomorrow, and you haven't eaten dinner. You should be able to eat this pie.

[27:50] Diego F. Salinas: You haven't had a cavity yet, and that would be a good experience for you to get.

[27:54] Maddie Murphy: However, I have our next combatant. Who's facing Pre-Lich Vekna?

[27:56] Diego F. Salinas: It is a Boy Scout armed with a portal gun.

[28:00] Maddie Murphy: Okay.

[28:02] Diego F. Salinas: Pull your random power.

[28:04] Maddie Murphy: His random power is...

[28:06] Diego F. Salinas: Vertigo.

[28:08] Maddie Murphy: Okay. I'm going to give you one tasteful minute to tell me how this Boy Scout is going to deal with Pre-Lich Vekna.

[28:14] Diego F. Salinas: There's no way he's portaling himself through anywhere. He's vomiting everywhere.

[28:18] Maddie Murphy: You ready? Talk to me.

[28:20] Diego F. Salinas: Okay. He's a Boy Scout. He's certainly prepared for this fight. He's always prepared, so he never has to get prepared.

[28:30] Diego F. Salinas: He has this portal gun. You know he has that badge. He's a Boy Scout and Eagle Scout, so he's ready to serve his community. He is on the streets of New York. He's serving community.

[28:38] Diego F. Salinas: I'm going to argue that his Vertigo, while it might have seemed like this might have been a detriment to him, I think that portals are how he combats his Vertigo.

[28:52] Diego F. Salinas: My argument is just that if he has a portal gun, he doesn't only launch himself through the portal gun. He could launch a whole ass... Put a portal right above Vekna. The Empire State Building is crashing down on Vekna. She can't land a single attack on him because he'll just bap out of the way. He is an expert with his portal gun. No one can stop him.

[29:12] Maddie Murphy: Okay.

[29:14] Will Champion: Mistress Sledge.

[29:16] Maddie Murphy: Master Sledge.

[29:18] Diego F. Salinas: I would also posit, just a reminder, that things with portals, if you put a portal in the middle of the ocean, then all of a sudden you can literally weaponize the ocean against Vekna, creating incredibly difficult terrain and other various aspects.

[29:30] Maddie Murphy: However, we are in an alley.

[29:32] Diego F. Salinas: Yeah, you need line of sight on these portals.

[29:34] Maddie Murphy: Nope, because he's a Boy Scout, so he is in tune with nature and the world. He just knows.

[29:38] Diego F. Salinas: He's got his Hudson Bay badge. He has a plus 40 to his nature.

[29:44] Will Champion: With a minute to rebuke this, I've been looking up what spells I would have as a 20th level wizard.

[29:52] Alex: Oh, we're allowed to be doing research in between. Yes, dude. Yes. This is why I said that this was a 20th level wizard.

[30:03] Will Champion: Pre-Lichdom. The amount of just... We all know about Martha Stewart's Catholic Ass. Is your timer going?

[30:08] Diego F. Salinas: Oh, yeah, it's going.

[30:09] Will Champion: I've got at least three of these per day without even getting to 7th, 8th, and 9th. These things include... where was this? Circle of Death, Chain Lightning?

[30:17] Diego F. Salinas: I can cost three times you in a row out of the circle at what time on what portal time?

[30:22] Will Champion: I just... this is a Dungeons and Dragons 5e fight, sure, but this has Dungeons and Dragons 5e ability.

[30:28] Maddie Murphy: Yeah, right.

[30:29] Will Champion: So I'm talking about this gun. I don't even have to target you. I can target the gun first with this kind of reaction time. Throwing fireballs being a specialty, I'm torching you. I'm distracting you, please, Murray.

[30:40] Alex: All right.

[30:41] Will Champion: If that is fighting with 5e abilities, Beckman can only cast one spell every five seconds.

[30:48] Diego F. Salinas: And I believe that in five seconds you can launch a fuckload of portal.

[30:53] Will Champion: I mean, yeah.

[30:54] Diego F. Salinas: We're gonna have to distract there, 'cause even then, if you're looking at 5e items, the item is only gonna work one time per fuck.

[31:03] Will Champion: Sure. I'm just saying...

[31:04] Diego F. Salinas: Oh, no.

[31:05] Will Champion: I'm saying, yeah, because you have made yourself... Yes, you've made Vecna have 5e rules, but like this Boy Scout is in fucking Rick and Morty portal universe.

[31:15] Diego F. Salinas: Squeeze a trigger in six seconds.

[31:24] Will Champion: Yeah, dude.

[31:26] Diego F. Salinas: Yeah, hold up your index finger and just...

[31:28] Will Champion: Three times in a couple seconds.

[31:30] Diego F. Salinas: Yeah.

[31:34] Will Champion: It's a big part of the conspiracy theories are like how long did it... does it take to... like what were you that day, Murray?

[31:41] Diego F. Salinas: I was... I was in a different library.

[31:45] Will Champion: Not born yet. Who votes for the reigning?

[31:50] Diego F. Salinas: It was a secret service, by the way. Let's take a service called JFK.

[31:50] Diego F. Salinas: Pre-Lich Vecna.

[31:52] Will Champion: Anyway, wait, what? Who votes for the reigning champion?

[31:52] Cassidy Sledge: Yeah.

[31:53] Will Champion: Unfortunate. I really... Cassie, I really enjoyed the argument.

[31:57] Cassidy Sledge: I just...

[31:58] Will Champion: Think it's Vecna now. I got it. It's Vecna now, and I don't want it.

[32:04] Cassidy Sledge: I don't want it, but it's really... it was the vertigo that I had to consider. Vertigo is rough.

[32:09] Will Champion: Vertigo, um, I mean, you know, I... it gives the body... I think I was with you. I think a portal coming out...

[32:16] Cassidy Sledge: I'm a fucking Rick-level portal gun.

[32:18] Will Champion: I think is nasty.

[32:25] Diego F. Salinas: Wait, and while you do this, you cut this part out. I'm gonna grab my phone 'cause I realize I'm going up against Will. I need access to the whole...

[32:29] Cassidy Sledge: Yeah, yeah, you get... you have to. If you're not playing with the internet at this point, you're a fool.

[32:37] Will Champion: Remind me to never divorce you.

[32:43] Cassidy Sledge: Playing this game with me, full transparency. One of the reasons why I voted for mine, I didn't have to go up against you, but it's cool.

[32:46] Diego F. Salinas: Yeah, well, this is... listen, politics, yeah, is real. This is all stuff that's... I was trying to get in there too.

[32:51] Will Champion: I don't want to fight fucking this fireball buttery Vecna. The fact that the rules say if it's unclear, you decide what it is, giving me just wizard wizard is crazy work.

[33:00] Maddie Murphy: Yeah.

[33:01] Diego F. Salinas: I mean, I would have gone... I would go Merlin, man.

[33:04] Will Champion: I mean, just straight up Merlin. Like even that, like having a... I know more about Merlin than I know about that.

[33:11] Maddie Murphy: Yeah, we're fucking...

[33:11] Diego F. Salinas: All of... I was gonna... I might... my thought was every canonical Merlin, right? So like...

[33:16] Will Champion: Sure.

[33:16] Diego F. Salinas: Yeah, all of them. Merlin, Merlin, Merlin exists outside of like any of those. Merlin is now a concept.

[33:23] Will Champion: Merlin is a tulpa of wizard that we like have put together and like he exists.

[33:29] Diego F. Salinas: Thank you.

[33:32] Will Champion: And he exists as a construct of Merlin. So like it's whatever I say Merlin to you, all those things go into your brain, so it's all those things.

[33:39] Diego F. Salinas: I am ready with my challenge. Blow me to Bermuda. I have my black card says top half is blank. Play another character card from hand.

[33:48] Will Champion: So it is an assassin on the top half, okay, and a reggae band on the bottom.

[33:57] Diego F. Salinas: Oh boy.

[33:58] Will Champion: Okay, which assassin?

[34:03] Diego F. Salinas: This is gonna be the best one. Legendary. If you ever watched Fate Zero...

[34:05] Will Champion: No.

[34:06] Diego F. Salinas: Hassan. Assassin, which essentially a contingent of is inside and it's essentially an entire coven of assassins that all operate through smoke and shadow.

[34:16] Will Champion: The reggae band I imagine is kind of just like a... what, like a four-person ensemble?

[34:22] Diego F. Salinas: They get big.

[34:27] Will Champion: Yeah, I think you could safely have 13, 14 members in your...

[34:32] Diego F. Salinas: Let's get some several steel. Imagine a very musical centipede and the top half is a deadly assassin that can melt into shadow.

[34:39] Will Champion: Now let me go ahead and get my second hostage. I'm gonna say that this hostage has to be the person who is most important in his life.

[34:51] Diego F. Salinas: Go.

[34:54] Will Champion: All right, so I'm gonna say that this assassin on the top half, reggae band on the bottom half, it is essentially a human centipede of chaos, and it has a hostage. I want to say that this hostage is whoever Vecna values more in this life. Now with this leverage, I think that slows him down. He could fireball me, but then that risks like alienating the last thing that's keeping him tethered to this mortal coil.

[35:16] Diego F. Salinas: I think this is the lynchpin moment where he decides to become a lich later on because he lost the person that he loved in his fight against me.

[35:24] Will Champion: So I'm gonna say that the assassin's got time to prep too. It's got the element of surprise. It can melt into the shadows. You can have like, you know, Assassin's Creed Brotherhood, like he'll cut off seven fingers, and that's what it takes, man. He's got like 14 people as his lower half, right?

[35:41] Diego F. Salinas: Pandora, if you got Pandora that you've just...

[35:44] Will Champion: And Mr. Salinas, yeah.

[35:46] Diego F. Salinas: Mistress Salinas, thank you.

[35:49] Will Champion: But I also just to back this up and deposit, a reggae band is a part of it. There is musicality.

[35:54] Diego F. Salinas: Yeah, we are getting a little bit into Stranger Things, but Vecna does get distracted by music.

[35:59] Will Champion: Okay, yeah, so...

[36:02] Diego F. Salinas: I'm gonna... hold on, see if I can pull up a reggae version of what's the Metallica song?

[36:09] Will Champion: Oh?

[36:11] Diego F. Salinas: Monster Puppets.

[36:13] Will Champion: Kate Bush, so...

[36:13] Diego F. Salinas: What I'll say is I don't give a shit about the hostage because I've got a ninth level spell slot: Time Stop.

[36:20] Will Champion: Time Stop ends when you do anything to harm the opponent, but I can take away your weapons. I can take away the hostage. I can move them around, and then right as the time starts to go, I will rain buttery covered fire upon you, let alone whatever other spell I'm gonna cast to just torch everything. Now that I've taken the hostage back, and this isn't Stranger Things Vecna, this is a level 20 human wizard with no morals left to them who's considering abandoning it all anyway.

[36:49] Diego F. Salinas: All I care about is the extinction of my opponents, and I have more than enough resources to handle a well-armed reggae.

[36:59] Cassidy Sledge: You just said he's human and all humans love music.

[37:03] Diego F. Salinas: And also the whole lynchpin of being an assassin is you get the drop first.

[37:08] Will Champion: I think even if we're like... I think I would... if I can get the first shot, I...

[37:13] Diego F. Salinas: I'll admit that you might get the first shot, but one shot isn't enough these days.

[37:26] Will Champion: One shot simply isn't... no, I've got... no, was defeated by a magical sword, so later on...

[37:30] Diego F. Salinas: Leg Lion Orchestra, well done.

[37:39] Will Champion: We need an Omega level threat to take out this wizard. Any votes for the reigning champion, Pre-Lich Vecna?

[37:43] Maddie Murphy: Unfortunately, get those.

[37:48] Will Champion: A noble effort.

[37:50] Diego F. Salinas: I mean, at this point, I think Will's won the game.

[37:55] Will Champion: That's three. I think, yes, three.

[37:56] Diego F. Salinas: Okay, the current... here’s the current. All right, we get two more.

[38:03] Will Champion: Three.

[38:07] Diego F. Salinas: Diego, I'm losing one. Alex, zero.

[38:09] Cassidy Sledge: Yeah, baby!

[38:10] Diego F. Salinas: Cassidy, participation trophy.

[38:12] Will Champion: Nice, nice, nice.

[38:13] Diego F. Salinas: Two.

[38:14] Will Champion: Okay, okay.

[38:19] Diego F. Salinas: This wizard needs a spanking.

[38:24] Will Champion: Find a guy, get in here, go for it.

[38:29] Diego F. Salinas: I don't want to be stuck with this either.

[38:31] Will Champion: But I'm not up... you're loving it.

[38:34] Diego F. Salinas: I love arguing.

[38:38] Will Champion: This is difficult terrain because you have literally invested in one of the ultimate villains of D&D.

[38:41] Diego F. Salinas: Yeah, you're gonna need to pull expert in.

[38:43] Will Champion: We want to... if I could have a cake-based villain...

[38:47] Diego F. Salinas: I think with like an anti-magic field.

[38:49] Will Champion: Yeah, yeah, yeah, or like something so sci-fi.

[38:53] Diego F. Salinas: Powers at the same time, right?

[38:56] Will Champion: Like if I was the literal sun or a trillion tigers.

[39:00] Diego F. Salinas: Yeah, I might... well, that's what I was thinking.

[39:04] Will Champion: Oh, yeah, the high school marching band.

[39:07] Diego F. Salinas: I thought it was gonna be...

[39:09] Will Champion: Too many, too many angles. The Pope couldn't possibly handle all the tank teenagers.

[39:14] Diego F. Salinas: I still like... there's a lot of them. I would have loved to see the reggae band go against the Pope.

[39:19] Will Champion: Oh, the reggae band versus the...

[39:22] Diego F. Salinas: Legless.

[39:24] Will Champion: Scott Pilgrim versus the Beckner.

[39:29] Diego F. Salinas: Scott Pilgrim would be a good pull.

[39:30] Will Champion: Okay, what do you got?

[39:32] Diego F. Salinas: So it is literally insane clown.

[39:40] Will Champion: Yes, okay. All the juggalos.

[39:43] Diego F. Salinas: It's just them yelling a hatchet and Faygo over and over.

[39:52] Will Champion: Hold on, you get the whole posse?

[39:54] Diego F. Salinas: I would posit that it's Juggalo Nation. This is the posse.

[39:58] Will Champion: It's the band. It's literally just shaggy to dope.

[40:05] Diego F. Salinas: Dude, it's that you dope in J.

[40:09] Will Champion: Let's unveil my other...

[40:12] Diego F. Salinas: Relies on heat.

[40:12] Will Champion: Well, I do throw fireballs, so you definitely can.

[40:20] Diego F. Salinas: Oh man, poor shaggy to dope is about to get absolutely cooked.

[40:24] Will Champion: Are we ready?

[40:26] Diego F. Salinas: Go for it, okay.

[40:27] Will Champion: Here's what I'm going for.

[40:29] Diego F. Salinas: Oh.

[40:30] Will Champion: We've established Vecna. You got to take... you got one shot, and that's it.

[40:33] Diego F. Salinas: Because this is truly the most undesirable, the most surprising type of opponent. Like you see insane clown posse, you're already thrown off because you underestimate them.

[40:48] Will Champion: We're screaming the names of our attacks before using them.

[40:50] Diego F. Salinas: One underestimation. What it was, give me an example.

[40:54] Will Champion: Sword.

[40:57] Diego F. Salinas: And...

[40:59] Will Champion: Famously armed with hands and...

[41:01] Diego F. Salinas: You know they have their heat vision goggles. Clearly, they're at a disadvantage. A little bit like the three blind mice.

[41:06] Will Champion: I would argue that by nature Vecna does the thing where you think your arrogance will be your undoing. You don't even consider them a threat.

[41:16] Diego F. Salinas: These are the most likely kind of people for you to turn your back on because you don't consider them the Hobbit offense.

[41:22] Will Champion: Yes, when they take their unlimited amount of Faygo, which is true for insane clown posse, and they douse those buttery flaming hands in it, and with that final confusion, they're able to take you out.

[41:39] Diego F. Salinas: Juggalo Nation, hatchet to the face, okay?

[41:42] Will Champion: I hear you because I would argue they can decapitate you, and I know that you are so brain-based in telekinesis, but you're not gonna get a new head, my guy.

[41:51] Diego F. Salinas: Just love the visual bit that Jay and Shaggy were like just got these heat vision goggles.

[41:58] Will Champion: They spend all their insane clown posse money on the heat vision goggles, and they refuse to take them off before they go into battle.

[42:01] Diego F. Salinas: Too cool, so this is just... I'm to reiterate, it's David versus Goliath, and it is... you are Goliath.

[42:14] Will Champion: Mm-hmm, but this is a really weird David that you underestimate.

[42:16] Diego F. Salinas: I'm gonna say this is definitely unsettling, but those two power cards you have there aren't much... aren't very potent at all in terms of actual...

[42:25] Will Champion: Either like there's no scientific advancement, there's no magical prowess, there's no martial prowess, and you're also nuts.

[42:36] Diego F. Salinas: But neither can you, so all I've got to do is land one of my many spells in my arsenal. I could do it like a tasteful banishment on you.

[42:45] Will Champion: We could do a power word kill, power word pain. Just make you make the insanity hurt even more.

[42:52] Diego F. Salinas: All it's gonna take is one hit from me to you to fully end you, and I've got much more of a shot to hit you guys.

[42:57] Will Champion: To you, what I have a ton of defensive spells as well, and I don't know how much defense an insane clown posse has when you're dealing with a fireball special.

[43:03] Diego F. Salinas: The insanity defense holds.

[43:10] Will Champion: Real quick, title to your rebuttal.

[43:14] Diego F. Salinas: Chaos is a terrifying prophecy.

[43:16] Will Champion: I would like to say also that like they aren't literally insane. Shaggy, they are... they are two very...

[43:23] Diego F. Salinas: Literal.

[43:23] Will Champion: The card says literally insane clown posse is...

[43:31] Diego F. Salinas: Oh, it's not literally the insane clown posse.

[43:36] Will Champion: No, no, no, my argument was literally it's just...

[43:40] Diego F. Salinas: So they're just very savvy businessmen who've created a massive empire with no magic resistance known to man.

[43:43] Will Champion: I mean, known to man. I mean, they've...

[43:47] Diego F. Salinas: The US government, which is arguably the most magical entity...

[43:50] Will Champion: And don't give him that power.

[43:54] Diego F. Salinas: Has come from them.

[43:58] Will Champion: Don't... are you kidding?

[44:02] Diego F. Salinas: Oh, we... the man comes out in a robe and bangs the gavel and says you go to jail.

[44:10] Will Champion: It sounds like fucking magic to me.

[44:12] Diego F. Salinas: And yeah, dude. What a liberation period. This is my sovereign citizen cut like origin story.

[44:19] Will Champion: Not well driving. He's traveling.

[44:24] Diego F. Salinas: Yes, exactly.

[44:29] Will Champion: I appreciate you backing me up, but I'm even going to see it and go, I did not win this. Any votes?

[44:34] Diego F. Salinas: No, it's a clown posse.

[44:36] Will Champion: No.

[44:38] Diego F. Salinas: Get burned.

[44:39] Will Champion: I just want them to get their credit. They are...

[44:43] Diego F. Salinas: The insane clown posse deserves nothing but respect.

[44:46] Will Champion: The gatherings...

[44:49] Diego F. Salinas: It is such a wild scene and like an absurd thing that those two idiot rednecks have put.

[44:35] Will Champion: I just thought, sorry, this has nothing to do with anything, but I just thought of a really good line for the Boy Scout.

[44:38] Cassidy Sledge: Please, please. Can you give me the...

[44:43] Will Champion: What was it? The Boy Scout maybe eventually wins. On my honor, you will die.

[44:51] Will Champion: Alright, Mario. End this. It comes down to you. You have to beat this wizard.

[44:55] Diego F. Salinas: I've gotta beat a wizard. Beat the Butter Wizard or it's all over.

[45:02] Will Champion: The Butter Wizard must die. What have we got?

[45:06] Cassidy Sledge: Only Orville Redenbacher can stop this.

[45:10] Will Champion: Fuck you. Are you ready?

[45:14] Diego F. Salinas: I want to die. I've got three incredibly powerful...

[45:18] Will Champion: We needed it. Hang on.

[45:22] Cassidy Sledge: He hasn't even started yet.

[45:26] Will Champion: Cassie is pissing herself about the Orville Redenbacher joke that she made to herself.

[45:30] Will Champion: Wow. Wow. Okay. Quiet in the official courtroom. Gavel, gavel, gavel.

[45:38] Will Champion: I've got really, really, really incredibly powerful options in front of me. And I almost wish that I could pull the four of you in to try and take him down.

[45:46] Will Champion: It is match point. No, it's okay. I'm just going to say out loud. I'm holding Demon, The Doctor, and Mario Brothers.

[45:54] Will Champion: It is absolutely The Doctor. All day long. But the things that make me think about it is I'm also holding a hundred stories tall.

[46:06] Will Champion: And I think a hundred stories tall Mario Brothers would be pretty undefeatable. But what I'm going to have. Here we go. Ready? It's The Doctor.

[46:18] Diego F. Salinas: Which one? I mean it's The Doctor.

[46:22] Will Champion: But which one? The Doctor.

[46:26] Diego F. Salinas: Motherfucker. Yeah, but the first one doesn't have the memories from the third one.

[46:30] Will Champion: Okay. Then the current one. You know what? If we're going to play that game with writer powers behind them and everything. Cool. You're fighting Tennant.

[46:42] Will Champion: I think he's the sneakiest one of them. He's the one who's also the most willing to go there for what has to happen, which is it has to die.

[46:54] Will Champion: However, also, because it is The Doctor, I'm going to do draw a new character card with one new attribute as your sidekick.

[47:02] Cassidy Sledge: Yes! Companion!

[47:06] Will Champion: His companion is an emperor penguin that can become any animal.

[47:14] Will Champion: So it's just The Doctor. Oh, and then I get to pull The Doctor's extra power.

[47:22] Will Champion: Oh no. Please, Murray! He's got long metal claws that pop out of his hands. It's fucking Wolverine Doctor, baby!

[47:34] Will Champion: And again, Vecta was destroyed by a magical sword, and what are those but little magical swords that fuse to your skeleton? I also think that, listen, it's The Doctor with everything he's got in play. Are we going to do this? Go.

[47:50] Will Champion: He has the TARDIS at his disposal, and he's got his screwdriver, and he's got the brains of everyone who wrote for those series. So I think that he is just going to absolutely pull a Doctor maneuver, and he's going to figure out how to bamf back in time, he's going to time stop your time stop, and you're not going to be able to explain your way out of it with rules, because wibbly wobbly timey wimey.

[48:18] Diego F. Salinas: I think that he could definitely get those fucking Daleks on his side to help fight Vecta.

[48:22] Cassidy Sledge: Yeah, absolutely. He can do that, but also he's got a shape-shifting Emperor Penguin by his side, who is going to be just causing...

[48:30] Will Champion: You're traveling your TARDIS companion? Yeah. Great. He met an Emperor Penguin that's a shape-shifter druid, so it's obviously an alien from the Emperor Penguin planet, and it's sentient, and it knows what it's doing. And while we're at it, it's played by Stanley Tucci, because I get to decide.

[48:46] Diego F. Salinas: Mr. Murray, may I also give you a supporting point? Yes.

[48:50] Diego F. Salinas: It is a penguin druid able to shape-shift into anything, and that is a human wizard, meaning you have human immunity and fallibility.

[48:58] Will Champion: Make him into a brain-eating amoeba. Absolutely.

[49:02] Diego F. Salinas: Amoebas are single-celled organisms.

[49:06] Will Champion: A la Merlin, he can wizard-duel defeat you by becoming a virus, or anything. I think I might have to push back against the animal point. I do believe that animals have to be considered eukaryotic organisms.

[49:18] Diego F. Salinas: No, I just looked it up. You're correct. It's okay. He can be a tsetse fly that's covered in...

[49:22] Will Champion: I'm going to start my rebuttal. You just confirmed for me that your shape-shifting Emperor Penguin is your companion. Notably, David Tennant's weak point. Frame one of the fight.

[49:30] Diego F. Salinas: I butcher the Emperor Penguin. Good. Now he's extra pissed. That's true. Extra pissed, there is at least a moment, a staggering moment, where David Tennant's doctor, we've seen it before, episode after episode, where he's going to drop to his knees, have a moment of grief. We've seen it with Rose, we've seen it with Donald, we've seen it with Martha. In that frame, it's game over.

[49:50] Will Champion: No, it's not. Hold on, no, stop. Explain to me how you're going to kill the Time Lord. You've got 30 seconds. Kill the Time Lord?

[49:58] Diego F. Salinas: He's been killed canonically, had to regenerate through simple electric shocks before. That's enough. He's been killed by a Dalek. You've got to beat him.

[50:06] Will Champion: I just have to hit him. No, you don't. You have to take him out.

[50:10] Diego F. Salinas: Yeah, I know. He's been hit by simple firearms before that have forced him to regenerate. Yeah. I'd say forcing him to regenerate, you didn't kill the doctor. Wait a second. How many regenerations does the doctor have? Because if he's just regenerating, he'll be at the fire. Well, forever. You said it was the writers of the 10th?

[50:26] Will Champion: Yeah. At that point, he was only supposed to have 12. I've got to kill him twice.

[50:30] Diego F. Salinas: Yeah, but they were wrong. So canonically, he was wrong. Those writers were wrong as they were.

[50:38] Will Champion: I think we're ignoring the obvious thing here, that this Emperor Penguin is wearing full Roman Centurion outfit. I think frame 1, if you're saying frame 1, he butchers him and it is his companion, it's going to fuck him up, but also I think you're going to come at him real hard with whatever and time is going to stretch out.

[51:02] Diego F. Salinas: Last second, know what he's going to do. The doctor does lose, but never to the big bad of the season. He always wins. Also, if we're arguing...

[51:14] Will Champion: This is squirrel girl fucking logic I'm using. The doctor will not lose. Because the thing is, the fight begins with Tenet. You have to kill the doctor, which means you're going to have to kill Smith, you're going to have to kill Capaldi, you're going to have to kill every single person that comes after in order to kill the doctor. He's virtually unkillable. That's what I was saying.

[51:34] Diego F. Salinas: I used to have encyclopedic knowledge of the ways that they tried to get around it, but it is fair enough in saying that... Wibbly wobbly.

[51:42] Will Champion: This is the problem. You're fighting the doctor, so there aren't rules. It's just vibes, and vibes are the doctor wins. And if it is an eternal fight, if that's kind of the logic that we're shaking down right now, then the doctor's already functionally immortal. If he doesn't get killed, he will continue to live and just outlast Vecna, who does not have that immortality just yet.

[52:10] Diego F. Salinas: Human lifespan? 80 years? 90 maybe if he's got some magical buffs or whatever? I'd say that if this is a time fight, then the Time Lord's going to take it just for attrition.

[52:22] Will Champion: We've discussed that the doctor will have to regenerate in this fight at least once, right?

[52:26] Diego F. Salinas: No no no, but again, you're stating... You're speaking from a position of I definitely kill him once. I do think Vecna the Wizard definitely kills the doctor once. The Ember Penguin dies, the doctor can die from a single gunshot. The moment after the doctor regenerates, as seen by David Tennant's regeneration and Matt Smith's regeneration, there is a period where they have to be dead asleep for a day and a half. I will then entomb you with a 9th level spell in prison, sending you underground for a thousand years.

[53:02] Will Champion: Great, so a thousand years later, it turns out that he thought his way out of it and he's popped out. The fight isn't over yet. There's not a fucking timer on here. I think we need a vote, y'all. We're voting. Who is voting for the doctor?

[53:06] Cassidy Sledge: And that's enough for me, baby. That's three votes. The doctor wins. Just to clarify, Murray and Maddie voted for the doctor, but Diego, myself, and Will all voted for Vecna.

[53:18] Diego F. Salinas: No, no, Diego voted for Vecna. You voted for me?

[53:22] Cassidy Sledge: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey Cassidy, what just happened right there? You lost.

[53:26] Diego F. Salinas: You want to give me my time again?

[53:30] Will Champion: The doctor wins. It was your time. Sick, sick, sick. Time is over. Here's the question. How do we deal with that?

[53:38] Will Champion: Well, he's up still. How does the fight go on? If we're not saying that imprisoning them for a thousand years ends the fight, what do we pull that beats that? Syndication rights. I mean, let's see. Somebody pull. Here we go.

[53:58] Will Champion: Yeah, you're up now. You're right back up. All you have to do is pull one to win, and we're coming in on an hour of recording, so we need a stopping point.

[54:10] Will Champion: So again, just to review, Cass zero points, Diego one, Will four, Alex one. I'm just happy that we got a win. We're waiting for Will to pull a Will. He's got it. He's got the idea.

[54:22] Will Champion: Jason, and I'm going with the immortal Voorhees.

[54:26] Diego F. Salinas: Okay, so now you are effectually unkillable. Nobody's going anywhere. Controlling a tween army. He finally made them like him.

[54:34] Will Champion: The second power. Hi, Connor.

[54:38] Diego F. Salinas: Oh, fuck yeah. You can come in, Connor, if you want, but you're going to want to weigh in.

[54:46] Will Champion: Controlling a tween army. It is Jason, the immortal Voorhees on motherfucking stilts, baby.

[54:54] Diego F. Salinas: Is Jason on stilts or the tween army? I think the powers are directly for the right card. I mean, okay. My minute starts now.

[55:06] Will Champion: Jason Voorhees, not known for his tactical intelligence, simply known for brute strength, violent, irrepressible brute strength, and simply unkillable. The franchise, literally to Doctor Who, won't end. Yeah, it just won't go down. Motherfucker's gone to space. He's been reincarnated thousands of years later. He's been buried. He's been entombed. He's been ritualed. Whatever it is.

[55:30] Will Champion: This is the dictionary definition of an unstoppable force. There's an argument that he is essentially the fucking flip side of the Doctor's coin. He is an embodiment of fear. And it's controlling a tween army here.

[55:46] Diego F. Salinas: These tweens, they know everything about you. They've watched every single second of Doctor Who. This was who I was. I was the tween army in question.

[55:54] Will Champion: Yeah, that's not most tweens.

[55:58] Diego F. Salinas: This army, we've recruited them. And they're horror nerds, which is a whole other, even scarier. They're the problematic audience. They've got my back. They're gonna hold you down as many times as it takes. I'm gonna chop you up the second you regenerate, each and every time. I'll stand there for a million years and in that downtime period, schlunk, schlunk, schlunk.

[56:18] Will Champion: I would say, honestly, as my rebuttal, I think what we've done is we've found a Doctor Strange, Dormammu-level impasse. And what we've built, essentially, is a conflict that is gonna rage at the center of the universe while everything else rebuilds itself around it.

[56:34] Will Champion: We have essentially created a new god tree that is Jason Voorhees chopping up David Tennant for eternity while tweens smoke closed cigarettes and cheer him on. And I don't know if anyone's won or lost that, but I think we're in a Turtles All the Way Down situation here.

[56:58] Diego F. Salinas: And then, to reverse-engineer this, as you are in your eternal, immortal fight, destroying universes and entire worlds over the course of millennia, new religions pop up.

[57:06] Will Champion: Led by the Mouth Pope. It turns out the Mouth Pope was the Pope of the Church of the Doctor versus Jason the whole time.

[57:18] Diego F. Salinas: No, I never said Jesus Christ, I said Jason CHRIST! Jason comma Christ. The big JC. Jason Christ.

[57:26] Will Champion: What do we think? Is there a vote to be made here?

[57:30] Cassidy Sledge: I think you achieved a glorious impasse.

[57:34] Will Champion: We found Nirvana. And it turns out everyone wins. Society wins.

[57:42] Diego F. Salinas: Nothing new in this Earth. We all continue on fighting our own battles. Both of you at the same time need to make your sound.

[57:54] Will Champion: Use your deep radio voice.

[57:58] Diego F. Salinas: What was the other one? Jason. Oh shit, fuck, he died, right.

[58:02] Will Champion: Jason Voorhees and the Doctor tied. It's our time.

[58:10] Will Champion: It's all our time. Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun.

[58:18] Will Champion: That has been Super Fight with Alan Wellmet.

[58:22] Will Champion: Thanks everybody so much. Thank you Will for running this very excellent game. This ruled. You guys know where we are. We know where our socials are, right? Man, you want to give us a yell here to end it?

[58:38] Cassidy Sledge: A yell? Yeah, the thing that we traditionally yell at the end of all the 20-sided tavern stuff. The call and response that's the linchpin of our show and the name of the podcast. ALE AND WELLMET!

[59:04] All: ALE AND WELLMET!

[59:08] All: ALE AND WELLMET!

[59:12] All: ALE AND WELLMET!