This transcript was automatically generated and might contain errors.

[0:01] Bryan Plofsky: Did you bring wine? I got the glasses. You guys, I made a quiz. No, I didn't bring anything, but I'm here to have fun.

[0:11] Kevin Jaeger: Broadwaysted!

[0:19] Kimberly Schmidt: Our tale begins as so many tales do. It was a dark and stormy night. No, absolutely not.

[0:34] Bryan Plofsky: Kimberly, what are you doing? We're in the middle of recording the sixth annual holiday radio play.

[0:40] Kimberly Schmidt: No, we are not in the middle. We are barely at the beginning. And frankly, you are beginning it wrong.

[0:45] Kevin Jaeger: I can't begin it wrong because I didn't write it. Kevin did. So if anyone is beginning it wrong, it's Kevin who's beginning it.

[0:52] Bryan Plofsky: No, I gotta agree with Kimberly. You are doing it all wrong. That is not what I wrote for the beginning.

[0:59] Kevin Jaeger: Yes, it is. I'm literally reading the words you wrote right now, Kevin.

[1:03] Bryan Plofsky: Yeah, you're reading them, Brian. But are you really emoting them?

[1:07] Kimberly Schmidt: No, you wait just a minute.

[1:09] Kevin Jaeger: Oh, yeah?

[1:10] Bryan Plofsky: Yeah! You wait for the next ten minutes.

[1:13] Kevin Jaeger: For the next ten minutes?

[1:15] Bryan Plofsky: Can you handle that?

[1:16] Kevin Jaeger: Yes, Brian. I can handle that. But I can't handle you proposing to me in Central Park and us being happy and then you breaking up with me in Ohio, Brian. Ohio, Brian!

[1:26] Bryan Plofsky: But Kevin, that won't happen because I'm already married. Remember? You were there.

[1:31] Kevin Jaeger: I know. I just thought we should really start off this year's holiday radio show with a big bang.

[1:36] Bryan Plofsky: So I was trying to create a plot-elevating moment there. A huge blowout fight. Like, is this the end of Broadway? Sid kind of fight?

[1:46] Kimberly Schmidt: I will say you gave me chills. Solid line reading. Powerful stuff.

[1:52] Bryan Plofsky: Will you both focus? This is the beginning of our holiday radio play. We are not starting it with us fighting for some kind of big bang.

[1:59] Kevin Jaeger: And we definitely are not starting it with that it was dark and stormy night nonsense.

[2:05] Kimberly Schmidt: This should be a special story about love and togetherness and peace amongst mankind and...

[2:10] Bryan Plofsky: Murder.

[2:11] Kevin Jaeger: Tell me he did not just say...

[2:13] Bryan Plofsky: Murder, yes. Apparently, this year's holiday radio play is called One Shot of Holiday Cheer.

[2:20] Kevin Jaeger: And the genre we're going for is fun and festive original murder mystery. So here, Kimberly, help me deal with all this cutlery.

[2:28] Kimberly Schmidt: A murder mystery?

[2:30] Bryan Plofsky: Yes. It's a murder mystery. I thought we'd try something a little different this year.

[2:35] Kimberly Schmidt: Okay. I mean, I love true crime. This could be fun.

[2:38] Kevin Jaeger: Kimberly, the cutlery. Pick up the pace.

[2:40] Kimberly Schmidt: Why do we have all this silverware?

[2:42] Bryan Plofsky: We don't need all this silverware. Just the forks and the spoons. Those are in.

[2:46] Kevin Jaeger: And the knives?

[2:47] Bryan Plofsky: Knives out.

[2:56] Kevin Jaeger: Mama.

[2:57] Bryan Plofsky: Yo, Kevin, you think that's going to land?

[2:59] Kevin Jaeger: I mean, if it doesn't, we're definitely in trouble.

[3:02] Bryan Plofsky: Oh, and there's one more thing that's brand new for this year's holiday radio play.

[3:06] Kimberly Schmidt: What's that?

[3:07] Bryan Plofsky: Say hi, everyone.

[3:09] Cast: Hi, everyone!

[3:11] Bryan Plofsky: Oh, my gosh. All of these amazing close friends of the show are here right now.

[3:15] Kevin Jaeger: I know. For the first time ever, the entire cast is recording the entire radio play together live.

[3:22] Kimberly Schmidt: To tape.

[3:23] Bryan Plofsky: Wait, so we're really doing this live?

[3:25] Kevin Jaeger: To tape.

[3:26] Bryan Plofsky: And not just that. I'm playing into the title a bit because we are recording this all together without any rehearsal.

[3:32] Kimberly Schmidt: This is the first time that many of the people in this room are seeing this script for the first time.

[3:40] Kevin Jaeger: Very true. Kevin is too.

[3:42] Bryan Plofsky: Me too!

[3:43] Kimberly Schmidt: So our listeners will be hearing this raw and unfiltered, though I'm sure there will be absolutely no snafus and everything will be absolutely perfect.

[3:52] Kevin Jaeger: Who says snafu anymore?

[3:55] Bryan Plofsky: So we have one shot to get it right. Get it?

[3:57] Kevin Jaeger: One shot of holiday cheer. One shot to record it.

[4:01] Bryan Plofsky: So our holiday radio show is a fun and festive murder mystery starring us and some of our closest hashtag family of the show performing Kevin's new and original script for the first time with no preparation or rehearsal.

[4:12] Kevin Jaeger: Yep.

[4:13] Kimberly Schmidt: Yep.

[4:14] Bryan Plofsky: You hit the elf on the head.

[4:16] Kevin Jaeger: That sounds violent.

[4:17] Bryan Plofsky: I know. I tried to holiday-fy the phrase nail on the head.

[4:20] Kevin Jaeger: I don't think it worked.

[4:21] Kimberly Schmidt: No?

[4:22] Bryan Plofsky: So should we just start?

[4:25] Kevin Jaeger: To the love of Carmen Cusack.

[4:30] Kimberly Schmidt: Who's Carmen Cusack?

[4:36] Bryan Plofsky: She's a national treasure.

[4:38] Kevin Jaeger: Okay, so how do we start?

[4:40] Kimberly Schmidt: I mean, it really is supposed to start with on a dark and stormy night.

[4:45] Bryan Plofsky: Really?

[4:46] Kevin Jaeger: But I can compromise.

[4:47] Kimberly Schmidt: Brian, here, change the line to this.

[4:52] Bryan Plofsky: Watermelon. Watermelon.

[4:57] Kevin Jaeger: Oh, wow. Oh, my gosh.

[5:02] Kimberly Schmidt: And that's it.

[5:03] Bryan Plofsky: Okay. I'm nervous now.

[5:06] Kevin Jaeger: Wait, one more time?

[5:15] Kimberly Schmidt: A funny thing happened.

[5:17] Kevin Jaeger: They said next year we're working on Christmas.

[5:21] Bryan Plofsky: That's perfect, Kev.

[5:22] Kevin Jaeger: It's a big change, but I think it will still really work.

[5:25] Kimberly Schmidt: Awesome. Wait, one more time? No, I'm kidding.

[5:27] Bryan Plofsky: Okay.

[5:28] Kevin Jaeger: All right, everyone to your places.

[5:30] Bryan Plofsky: It's time to perform One Shot of Holiday Cheer for the first time live to tape.

[5:36] Kevin Jaeger: So without much further ado,

[5:38] Bryan Plofsky: Broadwaysted proudly presents

[5:41] Kevin Jaeger: One Shot of Holiday Cheer.

[5:51] ♪ Musical number: "One Shot of Holiday Cheer" — performed by the cast ♪

[6:14] Kimberly Schmidt: On a dark and stormy holiday night, a beautiful young woman's bad luck seemed to have changed as she hails a ride from a total stranger in the pouring rain on a deserted, lonely highway.

[6:26] Bryan Plofsky: A dark, deserted old highway with twinkling lights on the trees since it's the holidays.

[6:32] Cast: Thank you.

[6:37] Kimberly Schmidt: Oh, thank you. Thank you so much. I thought I was going to be washed away by this terrible storm.

[6:42] Kevin Jaeger: How did you come to be alone on this desolate road in the rain way out here in upstate New York?

[6:53] Bryan Plofsky: Oh, my poor Cadillac broke down a few miles back. I got that car because I heard that it said, "Look at me, mister. I'm a star." But instead it appears that I'm all washed up. I'm soaked to the bone.

[7:04] Kevin Jaeger: Well, I don't know how far you are going, but I can take you as far as the upstatiest part of upstate New York.

[7:14] Bryan Plofsky: I'm going to an old friend's secluded mansion. A mansion I didn't even know existed until a few days ago when I heard from her out of the blue after she mysteriously vanished ten years ago.

[7:31] Kevin Jaeger: Wow. That's a lot to unpack.

[7:33] Bryan Plofsky: I know. I'm sorry. I just unloaded all this information.

[7:38] Kevin Jaeger: It's like, Jesus, at least ask her her name before you exposition dump all over the place.

[7:44] Bryan Plofsky: No, I meant all your bags in the back seat. That's a lot to unpack.

[7:48] Kevin Jaeger: Yeah, I don't really pack a lot. Ever since I left active duty, I've felt like it's a luxury to take more than you can physically carry with you from place to place.

[8:01] Bryan Plofsky: Oh, a military man. I knew there was a reason I felt so safe. Now, shake your hand, but I need to keep both hands on the steering wheel.

[8:10] Kevin Jaeger: I'm Lee, General Lee Horsetile.

[8:16] Bryan Plofsky: I don't know what to do when I meet a general. Should I salute or say, "Hi, Captain"?

[8:21] Kevin Jaeger: Well, no, because I'm not a captain.

[8:30] Bryan Plofsky: You should have thought that through before you opened your door.

[8:37] Kevin Jaeger: But before we talk about me again, what about your name?

[8:42] Bryan Plofsky: Oh, well, I'm Sue. Sue DeNim.

[8:48] Kevin Jaeger: Oh, yes. I've heard of you. The new Broadway star, the talk of the town.

[8:54] Bryan Plofsky: I don't know about all that.

[8:55] Kevin Jaeger: Yes, you are. Don't act all mysterious about it. You're Sue DeNim, the girl who appears to have been dropped on Broadway's doorstep like someone wished you into existence. In fact, no one seems to be able to find any record of you before you appeared on the scene a few months ago.

[9:14] Bryan Plofsky: No, don't be silly. I'm just a more private person.

[9:18] Kevin Jaeger: Well, secrets are no fun unless they're shared with the DeNim. So in exchange for the ride, why not tell me your story? Who are you really?

[9:27] Bryan Plofsky: Well, I'm a very lucky woman, it seems, because I'm also going all the way to the upstate-iest part of upstate New York for a party at a secluded mansion I coincidentally also didn't know about until a few days ago. It's the home of Candy Kane. She's some lady I used to listen to on cast albums. I never actually met her. She was a massive deal on Broadway. Tony's smash hits. Candy Kane was a box office sure thing. But then she mysteriously walked away from Broadway and disappeared ten years ago, right before the opening night of a new show. The show closed and never opened. The producer was pretty much ruined. The cast was heartbroken. It was a whole thing. That's actually the show that I'm starring in now. They just finally opened it ten years later and it's making a killing at the box office. A real killing. Ten years almost to the day since Candy Kane walked away from the role. That's made me a star.

[10:32] Kevin Jaeger: Oh, I know all about the story of the infamous Candy Kane. She's my wife.

[10:43] Bryan Plofsky: Your wife?

[10:45] Kevin Jaeger: Well, my ex-wife.

[10:47] Bryan Plofsky: Oh, got it. Now I get all the baggage.

[10:51] Kevin Jaeger: My therapist and I like to say it's more like emotional challenges than baggage. It's a lot easier to say.

[10:58] Bryan Plofsky: No, no, no. I meant the actual luggage in the back seat again. Because if you were married and aren't now, you might be returning her stuff or planning to stay the weekend because you two are cool friends now or something.

[11:09] Kevin Jaeger: Oh, right. Yeah, we're not friends.

[11:11] Bryan Plofsky: Yeah, I was just talking about the physical luggage again.

[11:13] Kevin Jaeger: Right. So, where is yours?

[11:16] Bryan Plofsky: My what?

[11:17] Kevin Jaeger: Your baggage. Your physical luggage in this trunk.

[11:23] Bryan Plofsky: It was all in the trunk of my car that was jammed shut and it wouldn't open. I tried every key.

[11:29] Kevin Jaeger: Even the one on the necklace around your neck?

[11:35] Bryan Plofsky: Oh, this? This is just the necklace my mother gave me last holiday season.

[11:39] Kevin Jaeger: Right before you appeared out of thin air.

[11:42] Bryan Plofsky: This key keeps hidden something that I can never let out. Never!

[11:46] Kevin Jaeger: No need to threat yourself, girl. We've given enough cryptic bits of information about ourselves. You can look wistfully out the window now as we finish our drive to the Upstadious of Upstate New York to the most Obscure-iest mansion.

[12:06] Bryan Plofsky: I'll look out at all the decorations and twinkling lights and notice as they start to thin out and disappear the further north we get. And I'll think about how that doesn't seem right. I mean, come on, it's the holidays. Will our drive take long?

[12:20] Kevin Jaeger: No, the GPS says we'll finish the drive before the next scene.

[12:23] Bryan Plofsky: Well then, let's go!

[12:34] Kimberly Schmidt: Meanwhile at the Upstadious of Upstate New York Obscure Mansions, the party was already underway and the guests who had gathered found themselves saying,

[12:44] Cast: Hey, old friend!

[12:49] Kevin Jaeger: Why? Why?

[12:54] Kimberly Schmidt: So upsetting. I must say, I get invited to a ton of these exclusive come-to-my-obscure mansions in Super Upstate New York because I've reappeared ten years after and I have a surprise for you kind of parties.

[13:08] Bryan Plofsky: How on earth was anyone invited to these kind of parties?

[13:12] Kevin Jaeger: What are you talking about?

[13:14] Kimberly Schmidt: It doesn't really matter as long as you're listening. And I'm charging by the minute.

[13:18] Bryan Plofsky: Oh God, you seem like...

[13:18] Gil T. Hardy: A real winner. What's your name? I'm Gil T. Hardy, Agent Extraordinaire. And it all makes sense.

[13:29] Chris: And who are you? You're dressed very, um, creatively. I know, I'm Chris, but I'm here with my drag persona, Miss Cookies. That's how Candy Cane knew me. She used to come to my bar after her shows were over and she'd watch my show and drink and laugh and we'd talk into the weeds small hours of the morning.

[13:48] Gil T. Hardy: Yeah, uh, I was Candy's agent. We were making mint together off of her success and then she just disappeared on me. My best client just up and vanishes.

[13:59] Chris: Oh yeah, Gil T. Hardy. I remember Candy told me some things about you.

[14:07] Gil T. Hardy: Only good things, I hope.

[14:09] Chris: I never remember the good things. Happy holidays, everyone.

[14:16] Nathan Slane: No, look who it is. Speaking of never remembering the good things, look the deranged and rabid reindeer just dragged in, Nathan Slane, the king of the reviewers, the man with all the power and none of the talents.

[14:30] Gil T. Hardy: Oh, hello, Carol Singers, the one star that the wise men saw in the sky and thought, nope, no need to follow this one. It's going nowhere.

[14:38] Nathan Slane: It's so nice to see you're as charming in person as you are on stage. You had no talent if it burned for eight crazy nights right in your face.

[14:48] Gil T. Hardy: Oh, come on, everyone. It's the holidays. So we all have a past together, a web of interwoven connections that make us linked in ways that will play an important part of the narrative of this tale. That doesn't mean we can't also just enjoy each other's company.

[15:03] Chris: Come on, Carol. You and I did that off-Broadway play together last year and Nathan didn't say one bad thing about it.

[15:13] Nathan Slane: That's because he didn't write a review at all. Which might have been the nicest holiday gift I could have given Carol.

[15:18] Gil T. Hardy: Can't we all just get along?

[15:20] Chris: I'm living for this positive energy, sir. I have to meet you. I'm Chris and Milk. My drag name is Miss Cookies.

[15:28] Yul Thai: Nice to meet you, Chris, Miss Cookies and Milk. I'm Yul Thai. Happy holidays, Yul. How are you connected to this Den of Thieves?

[15:36] Yul Thai: Oh, Candy Cane and I were a popular Broadway leading couple together. We had a few starring pairings that were huge hits. She won two Tonys opposite me.

[15:50] Gil T. Hardy: After Candy disappeared, my career has been not exactly the same, but I was nominated for a Tony opposite Candy once.

[16:08] Yul Thai: Oh my god, dear lord, I didn't highlight that. I feel a monologue coming on. I've been nominated for Tony six times. I'm Kelly O'Haring it over here, but without me and I trump card in my back pocket.

[16:25] Gil T. Hardy: Come on, Lincoln Center, throw me a freaking bone. Don't you need to see to do a giant production of Spitfire or The Ring?

[16:33] Yul Thai: I mean, I didn't even get back to where my career was before Candy Cane came along. And so everyone's hearts and all of my jobs were my dear chum Nathan Slane wrote the review that made Candy Cane a star and destroyed my career.

[16:46] Gil T. Hardy: After that, I've been lucky to play someone's boring mom or the quote sad and struggling, but spunky and fun aunt. I'd do anything to be back on top of in the leaking roles, anything.

[17:02] Yul Thai: I'd even suffer through performing opposite that Joe-eyed dumpster fire at Snoop Donnie in my fight, and that I could.

[17:12] Chris: If it meant you could what, Carol?

[17:19] Nathan Slane: Oh, look, it's Snoop Donnie himself. Just like cockroaches and understudies, I can't seem to get rid of you. How absolutely delightful that you were invited to this party as well.

[17:25] Gil T. Hardy: You've been a lead for what, five minutes? You clearly deserve it.

[17:31] General Lee Hostile: Hello, everyone. I'm General Lee Hostile.

[17:36] Gil T. Hardy: Nice to meet you, General Lee, was it? I'm just asking because since this is the first time that we've met.

[17:40] General Lee Hostile: Yes, I'm General Lee Hostile, and you are?

[17:48] Yul Thai: Generally pretty tame, though I've played some pretty wild characters. My finch from Newsies was...

[17:53] General Lee Hostile: No, no, no, no, I meant your name, since I also don't think we've ever met before, ever.

[18:03] Yul Thai: Oh, right, my name. I'm Yuletide, Broadway actor who's been mostly off-off-Broadway and in commercials for lunch meat lately.

[18:07] General Lee Hostile: Oh, right, you used to kiss my ex-wife on stage all the time.

[18:16] Yul Thai: Oh yeah, those were good times.

[18:18] General Lee Hostile: Yeah, I bet they were.

[18:24] Yul Thai: Okay, so let's introduce the new arrivals to everyone else.

[18:33] Chris: Oh, allow me, sir. General Lee Hostile is Candy Cane's ex-husband, and you've met Yuletide, her theatrical lover.

[18:40] Nathan Slane: On stage, we were acting.

[18:46] Chris: And the colorfully-tongued carol singer Broadway sort of was. So who was the leading lady before Candy came along?

[18:55] Nathan Slane: Um, that's rude, but you know what? I'll drink to that.

[19:02] Chris: Over here, we have the city's premier drag queen, Chris, parenthesis or quotation marks, Miss Cookies. She and Candy have very close and shared a lot of secrets.

[19:08] Gil T. Hardy: And then there's Miss Cane's sleazy former agent, Guilty Potty.

[19:15] Nathan Slane: And then right there is Nathan Slane. He's the venomous theater critic from the New York Slime Tutorials.

[19:22] Chris: And General Lee Hostile seems to have arrived with Miss Southerner, the star of the smash hit Broadway show.

[19:30] Yul Thai: And then there was some...

[19:37] Nathan Slane: Yes, I noticed they arrived together.

[19:39] Chris: We didn't arrive together together. It's just...

[19:43] Yul Thai: Wait, wasn't Candy supposed to start it?

[19:50] Nathan Slane: And then there were some?

[19:56] Yul Thai: Yes, 10 years ago she was.

[20:04] Nathan Slane: But luckily, when Candy disappeared before opening night and the show closed without ever opening, I wasn't totally ruined.

[20:10] Chris: It just took 10 years to find my new star and Southerner here.

[20:18] Yul Thai: And when I asked if you needed a ride, Sue, I assumed you said no because you were driving.

[20:24] Nathan Slane: I didn't think you were coming with another man.

[20:29] Chris: Oh, I'm so sorry, sir. This gentleman who just arrived is the Broadway producer.

[20:36] Yul Thai: And then there was some, starring Mr. Dim as well as Miss Candy Cane's star vehicle back in the day.

[20:43] Phil in the Pockets: It's Mr. Phil in the Pockets. That's me!

[20:49] Nathan Slane: Wow! I should hire you to do my introductions into everybody. Do you do that? What's your rate?

[20:56] Phil in the Pockets: I'll double it. Scratch that. No offer. I'll give you half my original offer, but I'll give you back and 22 eighths of a percent of merchandise that falls off the truck and we don't sell.

[21:02] Nathan Slane: I'll send your agent a contract. Are you with Gil? You should be. What's your name?

[21:09] Butler: Uh, I'm, sir, I'm Candy Cane's faithful, faithful, faithful butler, sir.

[21:16] Phil in the Pockets: You okay?

[21:18] Butler: Butler did it. I've been with Candy since she chose to isolate from the world 10 years ago.

[21:25] Nathan Slane: Now, if you'll all stay here, I'm going to go and gather our final guest before Mrs. Cane makes her grand entrance.

[21:33] Butler: Uh, just, just one moment. Uh, don't, don't stand over there. She's got to come in from the side. It just, it's a whole thing. Just coming back, coming back.

[21:43] Phil in the Pockets: Listen, Phil, it's not what it looks like. No hard feelings, kid. You still have a job, at least for now. I mean, I could always replace you.

[21:51] Carol: You're free, right?

[21:53] Phil in the Pockets: Yep. I see the show, Bill. I know, I know the part inside and out. I really think I could.

[22:05] Carol: Babe, I'm joking. You clearly couldn't. The audience wouldn't get it. They'll love it when Paulette leaves and I bring you in for her track.

[22:11] Phil in the Pockets: She plays the main characters here. She's not just a stereotypical woman, though. She has this sadness to her, and yet she's also spunky and full of life.

[22:23] Carol: Well, we'll call you in for it. Your show is called And Then There Was Some.

[22:31] Phil in the Pockets: Yeah, it's a musical adaptation of one of the Agatha Christie's best-selling mystery novel.

[22:38] Nathan Slane: Hold up, hold up, hold up. The Agatha Christie novel is called And Then There Were None.

[22:44] Phil in the Pockets: Right, but everyone on stage dying? That's a huge downer, and we've already seen Les Mis, am I right? So in this version, some of the people live, hence, And Then There Were Some.

[22:59] Nathan Slane: Wow, yeah, I get it. Can I ask you a question?

[23:03] Phil in the Pockets: Sure, it's the holidays. Why not?

[23:06] Nathan Slane: Is any story or literary masterpiece truly safe from vampiric producers like you, hmm, shamelessly sucking the life out of it for a quick cash grab, oh, that ultimately damages the art form of theater, hmm?

[23:22] Phil in the Pockets: Nope, not at all.

[23:24] Nathan Slane: Great.

[23:26] Chris: So I don't know if I'm the only one wondering this, but does anyone know why we got called here tonight? I mean, it's the holidays. I had plans, but when I got this invitation out of the blue, it just seemed too insane to pass up. And there was that mention of an incredible gift for one of the guests.

[23:43] Yul Thai: Yes, I must say that I, for one, am very intrigued by that gift, and the lack of the fine print anywhere on the invitation about this gift.

[23:49] Nathan Slane: I do feel like Candy owes me after all this time. I mean, she kind of ruined me.

[23:55] Gil T. Hardy: She ruined me, too. She destroyed me.

[24:01] Yul Thai: I was finished because of her.

[24:03] Nathan Slane: She ruined everything for me.

[24:06] Chris: I was a wreck because of her.

[24:09] Butler: Actually, I don't really have an opinion on her. I mean, I'm just a butler. I've been pretty okay, but I mean, I do miss her and stuff.

[24:18] Gil T. Hardy: Listen, all of you allude to your potential motives later. What do you think the gift is?

[24:25] Nathan Slane: It has to be money, right?

[24:27] Chris: It is the house? I want this house. Do you think it's this house?

[24:34] Nathan Slane: I don't think she's giving you her house. And if anyone were to get her house, it would definitely be me.

[24:43] Gil T. Hardy: I let her stay at my place for free while I was out doing my LA pilot season thing one year. I had frosted tips then. Not making good decisions across the board that year, so she kind of owes me.

[24:59] Nathan Slane: You think she owes you, huh? Let me tell you something.

[25:03] Chris: Oh, go get in a chorus line, Carol.

[25:06] Gil T. Hardy: Candy owes me the entire fortune that I lost when she walked away from my show 10 years ago right before opening night.

[25:16] Nathan Slane: Did you hear that? My entire fortune that I walked away from my show 10 years ago right before opening night. I almost didn't survive that financial calamity.

[25:31] Gil T. Hardy: How did I recover from that? She was my wife who just walked away from her life, from me, and disappeared for 10 years. I don't know for certain, but I think I might be legally owed a gift of some kind for that.

[25:49] Butler: Thank you all for gathering. I promise that we will not keep you waiting any longer. You've become acquainted by now, and again, I, M. Butler, did it.

[26:03] Butler: And I am pleased to introduce the final member of our gathering this evening before our host makes her grand entrance. Here she is. Holly Day.

[26:19] Holly Day: Why, hello, everyone. Season's greetings. May your days be merry and bright and all that jazz.

[26:28] Nathan Slane: Hello, Holly. I pride myself on knowing everyone in this industry, but I don't seem to know you.

[26:36] Holly Day: Oh, that's because I'm not in the theater industry.

[26:43] Nathan Slane: Oh, I'm so sorry. Everyone, please, without further ado, the time has come to introduce you all to the holiday hostess of the hours, and let the festive festivities commence.

[26:59] Nathan Slane: Here she is, back after 10 years in mysterious hiding. The lovely, the wonderful, the larger than life, hoed for dramatic effect.

[26:37] Kevin Jaeger: Candy Cane!

[26:41] Aaron J. Albano: Um...

[26:43] Kevin Jaeger: Okay, sorry, I guess I didn't do it. I'll just take it from the top. I'm the lovely, the wonderful, the larger than life, oh, the dramatic, Candy Cane! Candy Cane!

[26:59] Bryan Plofsky: Uh, hey Kev.

[27:01] Kevin Jaeger: Yeah?

[27:03] Bryan Plofsky: Uh, hey bud.

[27:05] Kevin Jaeger: Yeah?

[27:07] Bryan Plofsky: Who's playing Candy Cane?

[27:09] Kevin Jaeger: Oh crap, I don't know! It's in the script! I kind of just forgot to get someone for Candy. I wanted Patti LuPone, but when I decided she probably wouldn't do it, I then forgot about it.

[27:23] Aaron J. Albano: Kevin!

[27:25] Kevin Jaeger: It's okay, I've got this. Game Master to the rescue. One shot of Holiday Cheer, everyone. On this counter, behind me, there are nine small shots with clear liquid in each one. Please select one of the cups at random. All of the cups are filled with water except one which has tequila. If you get the tequila shot, guess what? You're our new Candy Cane!

[27:49] Bryan Plofsky: Okay, here we go guys. One, two, three, cheers!

[27:53] Aaron J. Albano: Nope, I'm in the clear.

[27:55] Kevin Jaeger: Dammit.

[27:57] Bryan Plofsky: It's you.

[27:59] Kevin Jaeger: Word! Wait, that is the smoothest shot I've ever seen. Here she is. Back from ten years in mysterious hiding. The lovely, the wonderful Candy Cane!

[28:17] Candy Cane: Happy Holidays, my darling. You just know that Candy had to make an entrance. Hello, everyone. Hello, my, my, my, where has the time gone? Been away for a silly little decade and yet all of you look so much older. Just run down and tired and cranky. And then there's Miss Pseudonym. Fresh as a daisy. A daisy that's a little too fresh, if you ask me. I want to see what's hidden below the dirt. That's with all of you, really. All of you, really. You're trying to hide things beneath the dirt that you didn't think I could see. But I've seen it. I brought you all here to finally tell you I saw it all. Oh, Butler did it. Butler did it. Be a dear. I'm absolutely parched. Please get me a large glass or something.

[29:21] Unknown speaker: Water?

[29:23] Candy Cane: Sure. Dirty Belvedere Martini up with extra olives and a twist. Shake it and then stir it and then shake it again. Oh, look, you know how I like it.

[29:33] Unknown speaker: Of course, right away.

[29:35] Candy Cane: Oh, Holly, my dear Holly Day. How are you? How are you doing? Happy to be here when you ask. You are such a loyal and dear friend, Holly. Truly the best.

[29:47] Unknown speaker: But Candy, Holly isn't in the industry. She's a muggle.

[29:49] Candy Cane: She's seen every act in town that Holly Day's. She's seen it all. Trust me. She's probably seen things you don't want anyone to see, Phil. Things that I saw all those years ago.

[30:05] Unknown speaker: Oh, well, why not let bygones be bygones, Candy?

[30:09] Candy Cane: Bygones be what?

[30:11] Unknown speaker: Bygones be bygones.

[30:13] Candy Cane: Yeah, you heard what I said. That's the title of my next show. Bygones be bygones. The sequel to Guys and Dolls.

[30:23] Unknown speaker: Thanks, Candy.

[30:25] Candy Cane: Yeah, so knit me a sweater, Phil.

[30:29] Unknown speaker: Excuse me.

[30:31] Candy Cane: Don't expect me to let you off the hook just like that. And look. My stage lover. You old tide. My former real lover. General Lee.

[30:43] Unknown speaker: Oh, Scott.

[30:45] Candy Cane: Oh, you big chocolate fireman. Funny to see you two together. Oh, memories I have with each of you. Oh.

[30:55] Unknown speaker: Candy.

[30:57] Candy Cane: You're looking well.

[30:59] Unknown speaker: I'd say you're the one who's looking pit.

[31:03] Candy Cane: Take a picture. Text it to your friends. Candy Kane, you always did get the best laugh.

[31:11] Unknown speaker: I made them the best, buddy. But the audience always gets the last laugh, Candy. Never the star.

[31:19] Unknown speaker: Nathan Slane. You must be loving all this drama. You always do seem to favor the drama behind the scenes more than the drama happening on stage.

[31:31] Candy Cane: I'll take both when it comes to you, Candy. Though there's been nothing to write about as of late. Stay tuned, my fair-weathered friend. Stay tuned.

[31:41] Unknown speaker: Oh, hey, Miss Christmas Cookies. How's it going?

[31:45] Candy Cane: Oh, you know, being the most fabulous amongst all of these losers is a draining experience. But I brought along some crystals so I wouldn't be a total zombie by morning.

[32:03] Unknown speaker: Welcome to my world, darling. Carol Singers. You were a part of this world once before you were shown the door to throne in the ancient, steady cycle of out with the old and in with the new.

[32:21] Unknown speaker: I'm seven years older than you, Candy.

[32:23] Candy Cane: Yeah, well, this industry might as well be 1776 years older. You're no longer Maria. You're the Mother Abyss.

[32:35] Unknown speaker: The Baroness is covered. So, you disappeared, but you saw me in the arena stages summer season of 2019.

[32:43] Candy Cane: Oh, what is that sewer smell? It must be my corrupt, old-aging, guilty party. Have you heard anything from the feds yet?

[32:53] Unknown speaker: The feds? What? No. What are you talking about? No, it's more like, what are you going to talk about with the feds when I give them some paperwork I've discovered and some blunt statements that I'm pretty confused about? Butler, where is my drink?

[33:07] Unknown speaker: Oh, it's right here. I'm just pouring it right now.

[33:13] Candy Cane: Actually, Butler, please pour a drink for everyone. I've taken the liberty of discovering all of your favorite drinks and had Butler learn how to make them. He's truly a gifted mixologist.

[33:25] Unknown speaker: It's a passion, man.

[33:27] Candy Cane: I appreciate it. And I'll tell you why we're toasting. Because we're toasting because we're toasting because we're toasting because we're toasting because we're toasting because I've decided that one of you is going to inherit my fortune worth billions of dollars.

[33:51] Unknown speaker: Why?

[33:53] Candy Cane: I guess it's the holiday and I'm in a giving mood.

[33:59] Unknown speaker: Oh, I know you, Candy Cane. There's always a catch with you.

[34:03] Candy Cane: Oh, my saggy, bosom-buddy carol singers. You are very high up. Let me say something so that a few casting directors have said lately you got it. So there is a catch. There is. Instead of revealing who I've chosen to inherit, I've decided I give you all some presents. Think of them as clues that you can open together to decipher who I didn't pick. Once you've solved all the clues from each present, you'll know who's inheriting my fortune. Any questions?

[34:45] Unknown speaker: Does who solves the clue help determine who will inherit?

[34:51] Candy Cane: No. But you'll want to work together to figure it all out before morning. Working together is the only way any of us make it out of this busy holiday season's life.

[35:05] Unknown speaker: Well, here's everyone's drinks. Let me pour each one individually.

[35:25] Unknown speaker: That's one drink. That's an Alexander de Brindis kind of key. That's two. There we go. Look at that. Here we go. All right. And here's...

[35:57] Unknown speaker: Three. I hope we're on a roll now, baby. Here we go. You know what? Let's just move this along, butler, shall we?

[36:09] Unknown speaker: Why is she here?

[36:11] Unknown speaker: Who? Why is who here? The rest of us have a history with you. She doesn't seem to have a history with anyone.

[36:19] Candy Cane: Don't worry, you. This will be the only time you'll be up for the same part as she is. It is nice to lay eyes on the girl who is butchering what is going to be one of my best performances. It's a real pity you walked away.

[36:37] Unknown speaker: It's a real pity you tried to have more than you were meant to have, Phil. Got too greedy, Mr. Grinch.

[36:43] Unknown speaker: Excuse me, everyone. I would appreciate it if you would all show me a little bit of respect.

[36:49] Unknown speaker: Oh, I'd be happy to, Sue. If that's even your real name.

[36:53] Unknown speaker: Who do you think that is?

[36:55] Unknown speaker: Wait a minute. What are you talking about?

[36:59] Unknown speaker: I, uh...

[37:03] Unknown speaker: She fainted.

[37:05] Unknown speaker: Mr. Dim, are you all right? Quick, everyone put down your drinks on the table and let's rush over her to shift our focus away from the drinks and get a bit lost in the pandemonium because Sue Donim has fainted.

[37:19] Unknown speaker: Sue, look at me. How many direct offers am I holding in my hand?

[37:23] Unknown speaker: None. Not yet, but I could be if I was your agent. Here's my card.

[37:29] Unknown speaker: I don't think this is the right time for that, Gil. Everyone please back up and give Sue a bit of room to breathe. Are you all right, Sue?

[37:37] Unknown speaker: Yes, Holliday, thank you. I really appreciate that.

[37:41] Unknown speaker: Are you a doctor?

[37:43] Unknown speaker: No, not in that industry either. Now, if everyone is all ready and done making a scene, let's return to our drinks and I'll raise a glass and make a toast to the one among you who genuinely loves me more than my money and my fame. May you enjoy the best Holliday gift I can give you this Holliday season. Cheers!

[38:15] Candy Cane: Now, let's begin with the presents. The sooner you solve the mysteries in each present, the sooner you...

[38:23] Unknown speaker: Huh. I don't feel so good.

[38:27] Unknown speaker: Um, Miss Candy, what's wrong?

[38:29] Candy Cane: The drink... The drink...

[38:31] Unknown speaker: I think it was...

[38:39] Candy Cane: I was poisoned.

[38:41] Unknown speaker: Oh my goodness. Oh, what do we do?

[38:45] Unknown speaker: Get her to the couch and lie her down. I'll call the police.

[38:49] Unknown speaker: You know what you have to do, Holly. You have to do...

[38:57] Unknown speaker: Oh God, is she...

[39:01] Unknown speaker: Yes, I'm afraid she's dead. And I now understand why Candy asked me to come to this party tonight. I know what I've been hired to do. And what, pray tell, is that?

[39:15] Holliday: I'm Holliday, private detective.

[39:19] Unknown speaker: Oh.

[39:23] Holliday: Candy hired me to help all you unravel the clues in the presents to figure out who inherited, but I now understand. She also hired me to help solve the crime of her murder. One of you is guilty of murdering Candy Cane.

[39:41] Unknown speaker: Um, I must inform you, there is a clause in Miss Candy Cane's will.

[39:45] Unknown speaker: A clause, you say? Is it a Santa clause, perhaps? What does this clause say, Hank? It says that, you better read this out, it says that in the instance that Miss Cane falls...

[39:57] Unknown speaker: No one inherits unless a murder is solved.

[40:00] Unknown speaker: I hope you're one heck of a good detective, Holiday.

[40:03] Unknown speaker: Because one of us is really hoping you solve this case.

[40:06] Unknown speaker: Wow, one is really hoping you don't.

[40:08] Unknown speaker: Oh, dear God.

[40:10] Unknown speaker: House Locking Down.

[40:12] Unknown speaker: Hold on, what's happening?

[40:14] Unknown speaker: It's the emergency protocol for the house. It's enrolling.

[40:17] Unknown speaker: So, don't worry about it.

[40:18] Unknown speaker: Candy, uh, Candy must have some kind of high-tech set-up.

[40:22] Unknown speaker: So, if she was murdered, the house would go into an ultimate lockdown.

[40:26] Unknown speaker: Lockdown Complete.

[40:30] Unknown speaker: Butler, what does the lockdown mean?

[40:33] Unknown speaker: It means that all the windows and doors have been locked and remain permanently locked.

[40:37] Unknown speaker: You know, robot stuff.

[40:39] Unknown speaker: Essentially, we're trapped in here until we solve the case.

[40:42] Unknown speaker: The only one of these doors will open.

[40:44] Unknown speaker: And if you don't solve this case by morning, well, the house will remove all the oxygen.

[40:48] Unknown speaker: You know, the stuff we breathe.

[40:49] Unknown speaker: And then I guess we'll all die.

[40:53] Unknown speaker: Wait, how does that logistically work?

[40:57] Unknown speaker: Like, there's some kind of technology that can sense when the owner is dead and immediately somehow initiate this intense shutdown protocol on their house that can only be lifted by the actions of a detective correctly solving the murder?

[41:12] Unknown speaker: And how does all the oxygen leave the building?

[41:16] Unknown speaker: Like, how does all of this actively work logistically?

[41:20] Unknown speaker: I mean, I don't know. Why don't we just say it's a Christmas miracle or something?

[41:23] Unknown speaker: No!

[41:26] Unknown speaker: The lights! The lights have all gone out!

[41:29] Unknown speaker: It's so dark that I can't see anything.

[41:31] Unknown speaker: The power must have gone out in the storm.

[41:33] Unknown speaker: Why do you both feel the need to say out loud, mmm, that the power went out, out?

[41:37] Unknown speaker: I don't know.

[41:38] Unknown speaker: Just in case someone happened to be listening to us through audio-only media.

[41:44] Unknown speaker: Just on the off chance.

[41:46] Unknown speaker: I know it's dark, but is anyone going to answer my question?

[41:50] Unknown speaker: How does all these pivotal plot points of us being trapped in this house in a life-threatening danger really actually work?

[41:57] Unknown speaker: I'm just saying that...

[41:59] Unknown speaker: Wait! No! Help me! I'm being attacked!

[42:02] Unknown speaker: For asking legitimate questions!

[42:09] Unknown speaker: I am about to call back.

[42:12] Unknown speaker: Oh, the lights are back on.

[42:14] Unknown speaker: Wait, are the two of you holding hands?

[42:17] Unknown speaker: What? No.

[42:19] Unknown speaker: Ah!

[42:20] Unknown speaker: What is it?

[42:21] Unknown speaker: A dead body!

[42:24] Unknown speaker: Well, yes, we established that Candy Cane is dead.

[42:27] Unknown speaker: Please keep up.

[42:28] Unknown speaker: No, another one, look!

[42:30] Unknown speaker: Oh no, is it Nathan Slane?

[42:33] Unknown speaker: Is he?

[42:35] Unknown speaker: Yes, he's dead.

[42:37] Unknown speaker: Is he?

[42:38] Unknown speaker: Yes, he's dead.

[42:40] Unknown speaker: Looks like we have a double murder.

[42:45] Unknown speaker: So we have a double murder and a detective on the case.

[42:49] Unknown speaker: You better do your thing, Detective Harley Faye.

[42:54] Unknown speaker: We need you to solve this before morning or none of us inherits and none of us makes it out alive.

[43:02] Unknown speaker: Well, I must say, I have been having... I've been to a party where two people were murdered and we piled their bodies on the couches, but this is a first for me.

[43:11] Unknown speaker: I'm sorry, what is your name?

[43:13] Unknown speaker: I'm Gil. Tea Party?

[43:15] Unknown speaker: Oh, well, I guess my job is done. Case closed.

[43:18] Unknown speaker: What?

[43:19] Unknown speaker: How do you know he did it?

[43:21] Unknown speaker: I didn't do it.

[43:22] Unknown speaker: Oh, no, I was just kidding.

[43:23] Unknown speaker: It's because of his name, though.

[43:25] Unknown speaker: Like, Gil Tea Party. You all get it, right?

[43:28] Unknown speaker: I don't get it.

[43:30] Unknown speaker: I knew just a little bit of the situation.

[43:32] Unknown speaker: It's pretty dark.

[43:33] Unknown speaker: No.

[43:34] Unknown speaker: Someone died.

[43:35] Unknown speaker: Don't get it.

[43:36] Unknown speaker: Two people died.

[43:37] Unknown speaker: Oh, never mind. You know what? Let's just start with the facts, okay?

[43:41] Unknown speaker: We have two dead bodies.

[43:43] Unknown speaker: The first is Candy Cane, the mysterious woman who was just about to announce one of you as the sole inheritor of her fortune.

[43:49] Unknown speaker: The second is Nathan Slane, vile theater critic who controlled, who sank, who sore swam.

[43:56] Unknown speaker: He did both things in this town with a keystroke of his laptop.

[43:59] Unknown speaker: I can clearly deduce that these people were both murdered by the same person.

[44:05] Unknown speaker: Wow. Fascinating.

[44:06] Unknown speaker: How did you figure that out?

[44:07] Unknown speaker: Because I'm a brilliant detective and we've established this to the audience, so now major factual statements I make are accepted freely as factual.

[44:15] Unknown speaker: Oh, for sure.

[44:16] Unknown speaker: Of course it does.

[44:17] Unknown speaker: I'm a brilliant detective.

[44:19] Unknown speaker: Just to be clear, I did not do it.

[44:22] Unknown speaker: I did not do it.

[44:23] Unknown speaker: I didn't do it.

[44:25] Unknown speaker: So one of us killed both Candy and Nathan.

[44:30] Unknown speaker: Wow. That's a lot to unpack.

[44:32] Unknown speaker: I know. I can't believe someone in this room was able to murder not once, but twice.

[44:37] Unknown speaker: No, I meant Yuletide's bags over there in the corner.

[44:40] Unknown speaker: I didn't mean...

[44:41] Unknown speaker: Sorry, I keep doing that.

[44:43] Unknown speaker: I know. I'm really just interested in luggage and the amount of unpacking involved.

[44:45] Unknown speaker: I do love luggage, yes.

[44:48] Unknown speaker: Okay, why the fascination with the luggage?

[44:51] Unknown speaker: Sue, something from your mysterious past perhaps?

[44:55] Unknown speaker: Oh, I'm starting to feel faint again.

[44:59] Unknown speaker: No need, Miss Dunham.

[45:01] Unknown speaker: We've all seen that you can perform a convincing faint.

[45:04] Unknown speaker: You executed a near-perfect moment before Candy was murdered.

[45:07] Unknown speaker: I believe it was that distraction that gave the killer time to poison Candy's drink.

[45:13] Unknown speaker: I would never!

[45:14] Unknown speaker: I think we must all feel a little faint after this excitement, though.

[45:19] Unknown speaker: Perhaps it would be best if everyone retires to their guest rooms for an hour or so.

[45:24] Unknown speaker: We'll meet back here.

[45:25] Unknown speaker: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

[45:27] Unknown speaker: I don't know if I feel safe with a murderer on the loose.

[45:30] Unknown speaker: That seems a bit dangerous for all of us to split up right now.

[45:34] Unknown speaker: Like we're inviting someone else to die.

[45:38] Unknown speaker: Well, that sounds like something the murderer would say, Phil, to throw everyone off their track.

[45:45] Unknown speaker: Oh, yeah?

[45:46] Unknown speaker: Well, that sounds like something the murderer would say, General Lee, as a way to throw everyone off their track.

[45:55] Unknown speaker: No!

[46:00] Unknown speaker: General Lee, General Lee, as a way to throw everyone off their track by accusing someone of throwing everyone off of their track.

[46:11] Unknown speaker: Oh, yeah?

[46:12] Unknown speaker: Well, that sounds like something the murderer would say, Carol Singers, as a way to throw people off their track by accusing someone of accusing someone of throwing people off their track as a means of throwing people off their track.

[46:25] Unknown speaker: Wait, Kevin, weren't you Nathan Slane? Aren't you dead?

[46:27] Unknown speaker: Yeah, I know. Just continue.

[46:31] Unknown speaker: Okay, everyone to their own rooms, and we'll meet back here in an hour, okay?

[46:35] Unknown speaker: Thank you. Bye-bye.

[46:36] Unknown speaker: Oh, I don't even have any water to drink.

[46:40] Unknown speaker: Do you have a rolling suitcase?

[46:43] Unknown speaker: So many stairs in this mansion.

[46:45] Unknown speaker: Um, Detective Holliday, I didn't speak to you.

[46:49] Unknown speaker: Of course Butler didn't.

[46:50] Unknown speaker: I deduced that you needed to speak with me in private, and so I sent everyone away to their rooms so that I could speak with you in private.

[46:56] Unknown speaker: Well, I sent them to their rooms so I could test a few early theories and to speak to you in private.

[47:01] Unknown speaker: And, well, and you and your accomplice.

[47:05] Unknown speaker: So you figured it out.

[47:06] Unknown speaker: Of course I did.

[47:07] Unknown speaker: Of course I did.

[47:08] Unknown speaker: I'm Holliday, world-famous detective.

[47:10] Unknown speaker: World-famous?

[47:11] Unknown speaker: I am huge in Germany.

[47:13] Unknown speaker: You wouldn't know it from my accent, but I'm very popular over there.

[47:17] Unknown speaker: I'm huge.

[47:18] Unknown speaker: It's like Hasselhoff and me.

[47:20] Unknown speaker: Seriously, you walk down the streets and see billboards there, it's like Hasselhoff, Hasselhoff, walk a bit, see some trees, Hasselhoff, me, Hasselhoff, Hasselhoff, and then maybe another me, but it's like crazy.

[47:33] Unknown speaker: So you figured it out.

[47:35] Unknown speaker: I am Candy Cane's trusted confidant and best friend, and clearly not a suspect.

[47:40] Unknown speaker: Well, yes, of course, you and your accomplice.

[47:42] Unknown speaker: There was no way either of you were the murderers.

[47:45] Unknown speaker: Isn't that right, Christmas cookies and milk?

[47:51] Unknown speaker: Wow, you are really good.

[47:53] Unknown speaker: Detective, how did you decipher that?

[47:57] Unknown speaker: It was two things.

[48:00] Unknown speaker: Okay, the first was the way that you were so fierce, and the second...

[48:05] Unknown speaker: The second was that this is the point in the story when a writer realizes there are too many suspects in the midst, and he needs to narrow that list down very, very quickly.

[48:16] Unknown speaker: Well, Candy Cane was right.

[48:18] Unknown speaker: Your genius is truly unparalleled, and therefore, we should accept everything you say as fact.

[48:23] Unknown speaker: It's true.

[48:25] Unknown speaker: Butler and I are, well, were Candy Cane's closest and truest friends, yeah.

[48:33] Unknown speaker: We would never murder her.

[48:36] Unknown speaker: I might have wanted to murder that critic guy, Wolf.

[48:40] Unknown speaker: He seemed like a jerk for questioning the legitimacy of the narrative.

[48:45] Unknown speaker: Understandable, but what is?

[48:51] Unknown speaker: I'm not even that drunk yet.

[48:52] Unknown speaker: Understandable.

[48:53] Unknown speaker: Truly a grave offense, let me tell you.

[48:56] Unknown speaker: Well, we helped her set up the presents for the game, the clues about who was non-inheriting and why, and we don't know who really is inheriting, but we have the presents here for you.

[49:07] Unknown speaker: But there's something we gotta tell you.

[49:09] Unknown speaker: Whoa!

[49:10] Unknown speaker: Two of the presents are already open.

[49:13] Unknown speaker: Wait, what?

[49:15] Unknown speaker: Yes!

[49:16] Unknown speaker: Well, the first I procured and wrapped, so I knew immediately when I saw it on the floor next to Nathan Slane's body.

[49:21] Unknown speaker: Everyone was in such a shock, and then no one saw it.

[49:25] Unknown speaker: The broken laptop.

[49:28] Unknown speaker: Yes!

[49:29] Unknown speaker: Yes!

[49:31] Unknown speaker: I had deduced that the laptop was the murder weapon used to kill Nathan Slane, and that it must contain some evidence that Nathan Slane wouldn't want out in the world.

[49:41] Unknown speaker: Oh, that?

[49:42] Unknown speaker: What was meant to be a present that Singled Out Nathan is not inheriting because he has used to write two versions of every review, one good and one terrible, and he released a bad one unless the producers greased his pockets, you know, put some coin in there, you know.

[49:57] Unknown speaker: I can't even do he was crooked, and that's why she paid him to write perfect reviews for him every time.

[50:01] Unknown speaker: And she was going to expose him.

[50:04] Unknown speaker: Okay, so someone opened the laptop and knew that it belonged to Nathan, somehow.

[50:07] Unknown speaker: It did have a sticker on the side that said, Property of Nathan Slane.

[50:14] Unknown speaker: Oh, really?

[50:15] Unknown speaker: Uh, yeah.

[50:16] Unknown speaker: Uh, yeah.

[50:17] Unknown speaker: Candy had it made...

[50:18] Unknown speaker: Uh, yeah.

[50:19] Unknown speaker: Uh, yeah.

[50:20] Unknown speaker: Yeah.

[50:21] Unknown speaker: Yeah, yeah.

[50:22] Unknown speaker: Yeah, yeah.

[50:23] Unknown speaker: It was a good...

[50:24] Unknown speaker: Yeah.

[50:25] Unknown speaker: Candy had it...

[50:26] Unknown speaker: Yep.

[50:27] Unknown speaker: There we go.

[50:28] Unknown speaker: Yep.

[50:29] Unknown speaker: Candy had it meant that it was meant to be used for one of the easier clues.

[50:33] Unknown speaker: I think there's a typo.

[50:34] Unknown speaker: I don't think that's my fault.

[50:36] Unknown speaker: She was afraid that they were too complicated, that everyone would just, kind of, you know, get frustrated and give up on the game.

[50:43] Unknown speaker: You know, she wanted people to have fun, you know.

[50:45] Unknown speaker: It's the holidays and all.

[50:46] Unknown speaker: Of course.

[50:47] Unknown speaker: That makes a lot of sense.

[50:48] Unknown speaker: Okay, so someone opened the laptop and knew it was Nathan's because it was clearly labeled as such, but then you said there were two property.

[50:56] Unknown speaker: So here's the thing.

[50:57] Unknown speaker: Yeah.

[50:58] Unknown speaker: We don't know.

[50:59] Unknown speaker: Whatever it was, they took it with them.

[51:01] Unknown speaker: Mmm.

[51:02] Unknown speaker: It's gone.

[51:03] Unknown speaker: And we can't figure out what the missing object is until we open the other boxes.

[51:07] Unknown speaker: Hey.

[51:08] Unknown speaker: Interesting.

[51:09] Unknown speaker: Okay, well, we must assume that the missing item is the gift that was meant for the killer.

[51:15] Unknown speaker: That is a brilliant deductive, detective.

[51:17] Unknown speaker: Thank you.

[51:18] Unknown speaker: I deduced it myself.

[51:19] Unknown speaker: Well, I'm glad that you're glad that you're glad that you're glad that you're glad.

[51:25] Unknown speaker: That's awesome.

[51:26] Unknown speaker: I deduced it myself.

[51:27] Unknown speaker: Now, let's chat about my plan while listeners peak in at a few choice conversations happening in the guest rooms.

[51:41] Unknown speaker: Meanwhile, in one of the guest rooms...

[51:44] Unknown speaker: Listen. I think we need to just tell everyone just tell everyone we're together.

[51:48] Unknown speaker: No one will care and it will finally be out in the open.

[51:51] Unknown speaker: The big secret that Candy knew.

[51:56] Unknown speaker: Let's just get in front of the reindeer here before we get run over by them.

[52:01] Unknown speaker: Don't you agree?

[52:02] Unknown speaker: We should just tell the truth.

[52:04] Unknown speaker: Right?

[52:05] Unknown speaker: Why aren't you answering me?

[52:07] Unknown speaker: You came to my room instead of going to your room so we could talk.

[52:11] Unknown speaker: Anyone could have seen you coming in here with me so why won't you talk?

[52:16] Unknown speaker: Huh?

[52:17] Unknown speaker: Say something.

[52:18] Unknown speaker: Oh, please.

[52:19] Unknown speaker: Are you just not saying something so that if this conversation were heard in a strictly audio-based medium they wouldn't know who I was talking to so it adds a level of mystery to this heated discussion between two people in love when you don't know who the second person is?

[52:37] Unknown speaker: I'm in love with you but no one knows who you are.

[52:40] Unknown speaker: And in another room that is meant for only one guest...

[52:43] Unknown speaker: It's going to be fine, Gil.

[52:45] Unknown speaker: I am not so sure, Phil.

[52:47] Unknown speaker: I don't think we should have done it.

[52:50] Unknown speaker: I mean, it's so extreme.

[52:52] Unknown speaker: Sometimes extreme measures are needed to stay on top, Gil.

[52:57] Unknown speaker: Don't you want to stay on the top?

[53:00] Unknown speaker: I brought you all the way this way up with me.

[53:04] Unknown speaker: You heard me, right?

[53:06] Unknown speaker: I brought you all the way this way up with me.

[53:10] Unknown speaker: Would hate to have you throw you.

[53:15] Unknown speaker: I gotta put my reading glasses on!

[53:19] Unknown speaker: Listen, Gil, I brought you all the way up with me. Would hate to have to throw you all the way down to the ground, but I'll do it if I have to.

[53:29] Unknown speaker: No, Phil, you know I appreciate that you brought me this all the way up.

[53:37] Unknown speaker: And I don't, I would hate for you to toss me to the ground down again.

[53:42] Unknown speaker: I'll take what we did to our grave.

[53:44] Unknown speaker: And so will Candid.

[53:59] Unknown speaker: This has been one hour, everyone. Please return to the ballroom. Thank you.

[54:04] Unknown speaker: Has it really been an hour?

[54:06] Unknown speaker: Oh my god, I don't know.

[54:08] Unknown speaker: That clock just struck nine.

[54:10] Unknown speaker: Had we established it was 8 p.m. when we all went back to our separate spaces?

[54:15] Unknown speaker: I'm not sure, but after what happened to Nathan Slane, I say we just go with it.

[54:19] Unknown speaker: Oh, sounds good to me.

[54:21] Unknown speaker: Okay, is everybody here?

[54:23] Unknown speaker: Butler!

[54:24] Unknown speaker: Ex-husband.

[54:25] Unknown speaker: Ex-lover, but again, only on stage, I swear.

[54:28] Unknown speaker: Ugh, Jaden and faded Broadway star.

[54:30] Unknown speaker: Sleazy agent.

[54:31] Unknown speaker: Greedy producer.

[54:33] Unknown speaker: Everyone's favorite drag queen diva, yeah.

[54:36] Unknown speaker: And I'm here.

[54:38] Unknown speaker: Sue Denim.

[54:39] Unknown speaker: And I'm here, Detective Holliday.

[54:41] Unknown speaker: And around me are the presents from Candy, her clues for who would inherit.

[54:48] Unknown speaker: Sorry, I took a peek at all of them while you were in your rooms.

[54:51] Unknown speaker: Oh, great, awesome. So that's what you were doing the whole time?

[54:54] Unknown speaker: You sent us away to our rooms like bratty children?

[54:56] Unknown speaker: Oh, not the whole time. I also walked the halls of your guest quarters and made a few deductions.

[55:03] Unknown speaker: Some were easy, like discovering a few empty rooms.

[55:10] Unknown speaker: And some of them, well, I'm still working them out, so you'll have to be patient.

[55:18] Unknown speaker: So that's why I've rewrapped the gifts, and I thought that you all could help me.

[55:23] Unknown speaker: Well, this does seem like a very unorthodox holiday, that's for sure.

[55:27] Unknown speaker: I'm not sure that I really want to take part in all this.

[55:30] Unknown speaker: Oh, but Sue, the first gift is for you.

[55:35] Unknown speaker: What? But it can't be. How could you possibly know that?

[55:39] Unknown speaker: Okay, that's not exactly true. The first gift was for Nathan Slane.

[55:42] Unknown speaker: It was the laptop over there on the floor that was used to murder him.

[55:45] Unknown speaker: It was his laptop. Not to incriminate myself in any way, but there's some poetic irony in that, right?

[55:52] Unknown speaker: A theater critic killed by the vessel of his own words.

[55:55] Unknown speaker: Indeed you, indeed.

[55:58] Unknown speaker: The second gift has gone missing, clearly taken by the murderer.

[56:02] Unknown speaker: So, Miss Dunham, the fact that I believe this gift is for you may mean that you don't inherit, but it also means that I don't think that you are a, well, you are a murderer.

[56:13] Unknown speaker: Now I don't know how to feel.

[56:14] Unknown speaker: Well, why don't you just open the present?

[56:16] Unknown speaker: Okay.

[56:23] Unknown speaker: What is it, Sue?

[56:25] Unknown speaker: Um, it's a music box, but the lid won't open.

[56:29] Unknown speaker: It seems to be locked.

[56:30] Unknown speaker: So clearly there's nothing else we can do and move on.

[56:33] Unknown speaker: But wait, Sue, if the lid won't open, how did you know that this box was a music box?

[56:43] Unknown speaker: I, well, I guessed.

[56:44] Unknown speaker: I guess.

[56:46] Unknown speaker: Or you knew because you also know how to unlock it. Maybe with that beautiful key on the necklace around your neck, perhaps?

[56:57] Unknown speaker: How did you know?

[56:59] Unknown speaker: Girl, she's a famous detective, like world famous.

[57:03] Unknown speaker: Mostly Germany, once again.

[57:06] Unknown speaker: Yeah, she's like the second most liked celebrity on the billboard of Germany.

[57:09] Unknown speaker: It's like Hasselhoff, Hasselhoff, Hasselhoff, couple of trees.

[57:13] Unknown speaker: And me.

[57:14] Unknown speaker: Yeah.

[57:15] Unknown speaker: We're talking about Hasselhoff a lot for a Broadway theme holiday radio show, right?

[57:20] Unknown speaker: I mean, he was in Jekyll and Hyde on Broadway.

[57:23] Unknown speaker: Oh, right, work, continue.

[57:29] Unknown speaker: Please don't make me open this and expose who I really am.

[57:36] Unknown speaker: Come on, it's time that you own who you really are.

[57:41] Unknown speaker: Okay, I'll unlock the box.

[57:44] Unknown speaker: What's in the box?

[57:46] Unknown speaker: What's in the box?

[57:49] Unknown speaker: Do you think anyone will get that reference?

[57:52] Unknown speaker: Gwenda Paltrow did proof in London.

[57:55] Unknown speaker: What?

[57:56] Unknown speaker: She was in the box.

[57:57] Unknown speaker: Oh, yeah, right, work.

[58:00] Unknown speaker: Okay, okay, everyone, look over at Sue, who's making a huge reveal about her much teased about real identity.

[58:08] Unknown speaker: Okay, it's unlocked. I'm going to open the lid and...

[58:19] Unknown speaker: And inside the box, besides an intoxicating melody, is your birth certificate.

[58:32] Unknown speaker: Isn't it, Sue?

[58:34] Unknown speaker: Yes, but my name isn't Sue DeNim, you see? I wanted to be an actress more than anything, but having rich parents makes people think you didn't earn your success.

[58:44] Unknown speaker: So I invented Sue DeNim, a girl from nowhere who just made it, but really, my parents are Jeff and Michelle Herring of the Herring's Corn Pudding Empire.

[58:56] Unknown speaker: I'm an heiress, and my parents named me for my fiery ginger hair. My name is Red Herring.

[59:05] Unknown speaker: I love you guys.

[59:07] Unknown speaker: I had to do that.

[59:10] Unknown speaker: Really?

[59:13] Unknown speaker: I'm afraid so.

[59:16] Unknown speaker: Yeah, I had figured that out. I did a good job.

[59:19] Unknown speaker: Of course, because you are a genius detective.

[59:24] Unknown speaker: Well, now my secret is out there. I'm not just a nobody. I'm a nobody with incredibly wealthy parents.

[59:30] Unknown speaker: Any chance I can get myself some free corn pudding?

[59:34] Unknown speaker: Yeah, let's talk about that after I've let the gravy...

[59:36] Unknown speaker: Gravity.

[59:44] Unknown speaker: Let's talk about that after I've let the gravity of my personal... of my personal reveals wash over me for like five minutes, okay?

[59:53] Unknown speaker: Sorry, too soon?

[59:54] Unknown speaker: Yeah, a bit too soon.

[59:55] Unknown speaker: All right, all right, sorry.

[59:58] Unknown speaker: Have you folks ever thought of investing in a Broadway show?

[1:00:01] Unknown speaker: Okay, the next present is here for you, General.

[1:00:07] Unknown speaker: Take that, everyone. I got a present in your face.

[1:00:12] Unknown speaker: Oh, whoa, chill out, man.

[1:00:15] Unknown speaker: That was pretty aggressive.

[1:00:17] Unknown speaker: Yeah, seriously, it was intense.

[1:00:19] Unknown speaker: Did I say hostile?

[1:00:22] Unknown speaker: Are you all joking?

[1:00:24] Unknown speaker: My name is General Lee Hostile.

[1:00:26] Unknown speaker: And this was like the first freaking time I showed any kind of fight.

[1:00:30] Unknown speaker: And you're all surprised? It's in my name.

[1:00:33] Unknown speaker: Well, you know what they said, General Lee. A Rosa by any other name would still not be enough.

[1:00:41] Unknown speaker: I want a dozen, yeah, or two for a fancy dinner.

[1:00:47] Unknown speaker: General Lee Hostile knows all about that, Miss Cookies.

[1:00:51] Unknown speaker: His name is deceiving. He's a lover, not a fighter.

[1:00:55] Unknown speaker: And that's why this present was intended for you and someone else. Go on, open it up.

[1:01:00] Unknown speaker: Okay.

[1:01:10] Unknown speaker: It's a mistletoe.

[1:01:13] Unknown speaker: When I told you all to go to your own rooms, someone went to your room with you, General. Someone that you're in love with.

[1:01:19] Unknown speaker: Someone that you've loved for a very long time, even when you were married to Candy.

[1:01:28] Unknown speaker: It's true.

[1:01:30] Unknown speaker: I won't lie.

[1:01:31] Unknown speaker: Well, I do appreciate that.

[1:01:32] Unknown speaker: Thank you very much, General. Instead, I'm going to hold this mistletoe high above my head and encourage the one I love to come forward and stand under this mistletoe with me.

[1:01:46] Unknown speaker: Are you sure, General?

[1:01:49] Unknown speaker: Oh, I'm sure, Carol. Step forward.

[1:01:55] Unknown speaker: Well, all right. After all, it is the holidays.

[1:01:59] Unknown speaker: Oh, wow. In the only real sight of the love triangle everyone imagined but no one understood, General Lee Hostile and you tied.

[1:02:11] Unknown speaker: What gave us away?

[1:02:12] Unknown speaker: Well, first, it was the fact that both of you brought so much luggage. Clearly, you are moving in together after this party.

[1:02:18] Unknown speaker: Wow, I can't believe you deduced that.

[1:02:21] Unknown speaker: Well, I'm an expert deducer. We've been over this.

[1:02:24] Unknown speaker: And you love talking about luggage, too.

[1:02:27] Unknown speaker: Only when it helps me solve a case.

[1:02:31] Unknown speaker: I feel so much better now that this is out in the open. Truly the greatest role I've ever played is opposite you in this crazy thing we call life, General.

[1:02:38] Unknown speaker: You know I love it when you call me General.

[1:02:43] Unknown speaker: Valiant, dear God.

[1:02:46] Unknown speaker: Okay, so who's next? You're on a roll, Detective.

[1:02:48] Unknown speaker: Oh, all right. Let's hurry this along this little playwright here, shall we? Okay, I'll open up the next present myself.

[1:02:58] Unknown speaker: And what do I have here?

[1:03:02] Unknown speaker: Laundry detergent.

[1:03:04] Unknown speaker: I mean, honestly, that's a thoughtful gift. That stuff's expensive.

[1:03:07] Unknown speaker: And heavy.

[1:03:09] Unknown speaker: Look, since I opened the door to talking about our names, can I just put out there that I'm thinking guilty parties pretty well.

[1:03:16] Unknown speaker: Guilty?

[1:03:18] Unknown speaker: Anyone else just assuming he did it?

[1:03:20] Unknown speaker: Oh, yeah?

[1:03:21] Unknown speaker: That's what you think?

[1:03:23] Unknown speaker: Yeah.

[1:03:25] Unknown speaker: Oh, yeah?

[1:03:26] Unknown speaker: That's what you think?

[1:03:28] Unknown speaker: Yeah.

[1:03:29] Unknown speaker: Well, you want to know what I think?

[1:03:32] Unknown speaker: Yeah, what do you think?

[1:03:33] Unknown speaker: I've been talking to you. All the things that you can think if you're willing to try.

[1:03:39] Unknown speaker: What are you talking about?

[1:03:40] Unknown speaker: It doesn't matter as long as you're listening. But you know what? As long as you're listening, I think I need to come clean. I need to tell the truth. I am guilty.

[1:03:50] Unknown speaker: Yes, we know. You said it all night. I'm a guilty party.

[1:03:53] Unknown speaker: No, I don't mean my punny name. I mean, I'm actually guilty of it.

[1:04:03] Unknown speaker: Oh, Jesus.

[1:04:05] Unknown speaker: Even in the second act.

[1:04:06] Unknown speaker: Oh, no.

[1:04:09] Unknown speaker: Just in case anyone's listening and needed the auditory cue for a visual experience, like the power going out.

[1:04:13] Unknown speaker: Oh, no.

[1:04:16] Unknown speaker: Please.

[1:04:17] Unknown speaker: Kevin, why?

[1:04:19] Unknown speaker: I wasn't going to tell anyone about you die.

[1:04:28] Unknown speaker: The power is back on. Don't worry.

[1:04:34] Unknown speaker: Ah! It's guilty party. He's totally dead.

[1:04:38] Unknown speaker: Bludgeoned to death by the laundry detergent.

[1:04:41] Unknown speaker: So clearly you all understand now that this gift was meant for Gil.

[1:04:47] Unknown speaker: Clearly you've all deduced that he was laundering money from Candy's accounts. Hence the laundry detergent gift.

[1:04:55] Unknown speaker: Hits the snowman right on this carrot nose with that metaphor. But some people don't like subtle.

[1:05:01] Unknown speaker: Candy cane clearly did not.

[1:05:02] Unknown speaker: Oh, or our, our, our murderer.

[1:05:05] Unknown speaker: I, oh, no. Or our murderer, since they decided to kill him with his own crimes.

[1:05:10] Unknown speaker: So wait, who can it be?

[1:05:12] Unknown speaker: Well, there is only one gift left. And I'll take the liberty of opening this one as well.

[1:05:20] Unknown speaker: That's, uh, kind of selfish, don't you think there, detective?

[1:05:24] Unknown speaker: Feeling jealous, fill my pockets?

[1:05:28] Unknown speaker: Oh, incredibly out of character for you. But I understand you haven't gotten to open a present in front of everyone yet.

[1:05:36] Unknown speaker: Which means you're still a suspect in my murder investigation.

[1:05:40] Unknown speaker: Or I'm the person who is set to inherit.

[1:05:44] Unknown speaker: That person wouldn't get a present either.

[1:05:47] Unknown speaker: And I'd say I'm the same vote. Maybe Candy finally felt like paying back a little of what should have been mine now.

[1:05:58] Unknown speaker: Wait, what about the butler?

[1:06:01] Unknown speaker: Butler did it.

[1:06:03] Unknown speaker: Or Christmas cookies and milk. They are both two colorful characters.

[1:06:07] Unknown speaker: And I mean, it is a classic trope that the butler, well, did it.

[1:06:14] Unknown speaker: The butler did it did what?

[1:06:16] Unknown speaker: Did, did you not deduce what the butler did it did?

[1:06:20] Unknown speaker: I did deduce it, darling dear. Don't deduct from my deducing domination that I somehow didn't deduce what Butler did it did when he did it and why he did it, even at times why he did it was for the entire did it clan. Didn't I divulge that after I deduced it?

[1:06:35] Unknown speaker: Whoa!

[1:06:37] Unknown speaker: Right off the top!

[1:06:39] Unknown speaker: Sweet Jesus!

[1:06:41] Unknown speaker: Give that girl a drink, hey!

[1:06:43] Unknown speaker: I've had plenty, thank you.

[1:06:47] Kevin Jaeger: But Kevin wrote it.

[1:06:50] Unknown speaker: Why aren't the butler and Miss Cookie being considered?

[1:06:53] Unknown speaker: Because there are just too many of you to be suspects, so the story needed some characters that are guaranteed to not be guilty, okay?

[1:06:59] Unknown speaker: Okay, okay, okay.

[1:07:01] Unknown speaker: And all you had to say was it was a producer's decision, and I would have totally understood.

[1:07:06] Unknown speaker: Trim the fat, I get it.

[1:07:09] Unknown speaker: Angel Gabriel Union help you if you just called me fat.

[1:07:13] Unknown speaker: Okay, well you all just let me open the final present, please God, thank you.

[1:07:26] Unknown speaker: The final gift is a mirror.

[1:07:30] Unknown speaker: That's shocking.

[1:07:32] Unknown speaker: Honestly, what's shocking is that all of us are so comfortable with now having seen three people being murdered in one night.

[1:07:39] Unknown speaker: Whoa, shouldn't we be freaking out more?

[1:07:42] Unknown speaker: It's a holiday murder mystery.

[1:07:44] Unknown speaker: I think that lightens the mood.

[1:07:46] Unknown speaker: I mean, tis the season of Mariah Carey, so a little murder is bound to happen.

[1:07:51] Unknown speaker: So, who is the mirror for?

[1:07:54] Unknown speaker: Does it belong to fill my pockets and send some kind of a message about what the mirror holds?

[1:08:00] Unknown speaker: Maybe Candy's image or her likeness?

[1:08:03] Unknown speaker: Or is it meant to say to carol singers, take a long, hard look at yourself in the mirror and realize you were never going to make it and be as famous as me.

[1:08:12] Unknown speaker: Know thyself, Carol, and know thyself.

[1:08:14] Unknown speaker: Oh, no, that thyself is not very good.

[1:08:17] Unknown speaker: This mirror belongs to one of you two, and then the other person is the murderer who will reveal the present they've already opened and concealed away.

[1:08:27] Unknown speaker: But wait.

[1:08:28] Unknown speaker: If one of the two of them gets the mirror and the other one gets the secret present that they'll reveal, then does that mean that no one inherits?

[1:08:37] Unknown speaker: What do you mean?

[1:08:39] Unknown speaker: So the rules were that if you got a present, you weren't inheriting.

[1:08:42] Unknown speaker: Right.

[1:08:43] Unknown speaker: And if you weren't, the murderer, because the murderer stole their present.

[1:08:47] Unknown speaker: Also true, I deduced that.

[1:08:49] Unknown speaker: Yes, but then, go with me.

[1:08:51] Unknown speaker: I got the music box, so I'm out.

[1:08:53] Unknown speaker: General Lee and Yuletide got the mistletoe, so now they're out.

[1:08:56] Unknown speaker: Nathan Slane and Guilty Party got murdered with their gifts, so they're out.

[1:09:00] Unknown speaker: So who inherits?

[1:09:02] Unknown speaker: Oh, well, I guess Christmas cookies and milk, or Butler did it well, since they're Candy's trusted friends who aren't suspects in their murder.

[1:09:11] Unknown speaker: Well, that's a little anticlimactic in how that story wraps up, then, isn't it?

[1:09:15] Unknown speaker: I think that's totally fine, actually.

[1:09:16] Unknown speaker: I think that works.

[1:09:17] Unknown speaker: Yeah, it's fine.

[1:09:18] Unknown speaker: Well, of course you two think it's fine. You're still in line to inherit Candy's fortune.

[1:09:24] Unknown speaker: You're still in line for something, too.

[1:09:27] Unknown speaker: Yeah, in the murder line, not as fine as being in the inheritor line.

[1:09:32] Unknown speaker: So make your final play, Detective Holliday.

[1:09:36] Unknown speaker: Who does the mirror belong to?

[1:09:39] Unknown speaker: Which one of us is the murderer?

[1:09:42] Unknown speaker: And how will you, I guess, narrow down between the two obvious candidates who will inherit Candy's fortune?

[1:09:50] Unknown speaker: Okay, I know you're all dying to know.

[1:09:53] Unknown speaker: Candy, Nathan, and Gallop, and Lise.

[1:09:55] Unknown speaker: Louis, this mirror was meant for, but knowing what I know about Candy and always wanting to make an appearance, I think a mirror to her meant something she held sacred, her likeness.

[1:10:06] Unknown speaker: Something you tried to steal from her once, didn't you, Phil?

[1:10:13] Unknown speaker: You were going to use new body-mapping technology on the opening night of And Then There Were Some so that you could own a virtual replica of Candy's performance.

[1:10:21] Unknown speaker: That way, you could rebound the production all over the world, and you wouldn't even need Candy anymore.

[1:10:28] Unknown speaker: So that's why she left the industry and left you hanging on opening night.

[1:10:33] Unknown speaker: And that's why you'd never inherit.

[1:10:36] Unknown speaker: Gil was investigating some of the money he was...

[1:10:40] Unknown speaker: Huh.

[1:10:41] Unknown speaker: Oh, yeah, no, he wasn't investigating. That's your job.

[1:10:45] Unknown speaker: He was investing it.

[1:10:46] Unknown speaker: He was, he was, he was.

[1:10:47] Unknown speaker: He was actually investing.

[1:10:49] Unknown speaker: Gil, the dead guy, was invading my brain.

[1:10:52] Unknown speaker: He was so much.

[1:10:53] Unknown speaker: I blame him.

[1:10:55] Unknown speaker: Gil was investing some of the money he was embezzling from Candy into the technology we were going to use.

[1:11:03] Unknown speaker: It was going to make us rich before it tanked both of us.

[1:11:08] Unknown speaker: All right, enough!

[1:11:10] Unknown speaker: All of you better move to the edge of the room quickly and quietly, and no one will get hurt.

[1:11:16] Unknown speaker: So that leaves you, carol singers, in the greatest starring role of your life, the murderer of Candy Cane, Nathan Slane, and Gil Tea Party.

[1:11:27] Unknown speaker: So what was your gift from Candy that told you you weren't inheriting?

[1:11:31] Unknown speaker: What was the gift that set you off?

[1:11:33] Unknown speaker: What was my gift?

[1:11:35] Unknown speaker: After a decade of therapy to try to control my rage about how Candy Cane destroyed my career, her performance, and Nathan Slane's review, when I realized they were both going to be there together in the same room, I just lost it.

[1:11:42] Unknown speaker: I only had to open two gifts until I figured out which was mine.

[1:11:55] Unknown speaker: She'd given me... poison.

[1:11:59] Unknown speaker: Poison?

[1:12:01] Unknown speaker: Poison!

[1:12:03] Unknown speaker: Yes, because she wanted me to know that she didn't want to poison my career.

[1:12:07] Unknown speaker: I did. I did it to myself.

[1:12:09] Unknown speaker: How did you figure all of that out from just one bottle of poison?

[1:12:12] Unknown speaker: Oh, no!

[1:12:17] Unknown speaker: There was a bottle of poison with a note that said, quote, Dear Carol, this... This... This...

[1:12:25] Unknown speaker: Let me take this again.

[1:12:27] Unknown speaker: Oh, no!

[1:12:29] Unknown speaker: There was a bottle of poison with a note that said, Dear Carol, this poison is for you so that you know that I never poisoned your career.

[1:12:39] Unknown speaker: You poisoned it yourself.

[1:12:41] Unknown speaker: You are poison.

[1:12:43] Unknown speaker: Love, Candy.

[1:12:45] Unknown speaker: Uh, like I said, I mean, some of the clues were meant to be very easy.

[1:12:49] Unknown speaker: I read... Oh, I read that and I snapped. I snapped, I tell you.

[1:12:55] Unknown speaker: So when Miss Sue Dunham or Red Herring or whatever the f*** her name was fainted, I took that opportunity to poison Candy's drink.

[1:13:07] Unknown speaker: But she regrets that gift now, I tell you, now!

[1:13:11] Unknown speaker: And what about Nathan Slane?

[1:13:13] Unknown speaker: I mean, I took advantage of that moment, plus I think writer Kevin kind of wasn't accomplished in that murder. When the fights went out, I used the laptop I opened before I found my gift and killed Nathan Slane with it in the dark. Can you believe he once said I was too old to play Ava Peron?

[1:13:31] Unknown speaker: And then Guilty Party? Well, Candy wasn't the only one of his clients that Gil was embezzling from. When I saw the laundry detergent, I knew immediately who that was for.

[1:13:45] Unknown speaker: Gil stole a lot from Candy. It's just that Candy had so much money that what he stole didn't really change your life the way it changed mine.

[1:13:55] Unknown speaker: He took it all from me and left me desolate so when I had the chance, I took it all from him and left him dead. So, congratulations, Detective Holly Day, it looks like you crashed the case.

[1:14:09] Unknown speaker: Huzzah!

[1:14:11] Unknown speaker: Oh my!

[1:14:13] Unknown speaker: House lockdown protocols deactivated.

[1:14:17] Unknown speaker: Imminent danger removed.

[1:14:19] Unknown speaker: You're all safe now that Detective Holly Day caught the killer.

[1:14:23] Unknown speaker: I love robots. I knew I'd solve this one. I just had to show my true Holly Day spirit and with that, I'd say that brings us to the end of our tale.

[1:14:33] Unknown speaker: Oh, but wait just a moment, Detective.

[1:14:37] Unknown speaker: Oh, yes. There's just one more matter of business that needs to be sorted out.

[1:14:43] Unknown speaker: Oh, yes, sir. And what's that, Retail? Oh, if you wouldn't mind, could you solve the mystery of which of the two of us is going to inherit all of Candy Cane's fortune?

[1:14:53] Unknown speaker: We're honestly okay either way who it is. We made a deal that will split the money and assets 50-50 straight-ish down the line.

[1:15:05] Unknown speaker: All you have to do is answer this question. The person who is inheriting Candy Cane's fortune is... Oh, that's easy. Yuletide.

[1:15:15] Unknown speaker: Sweet Jesus!

[1:15:17] Unknown speaker: Say what now? Yeah, Yuletide didn't get a present. The mistletoe was given to General E. Hostile, not Yuletide. Therefore, he is the inheritor.

[1:15:27] Unknown speaker: Oh my God, serious?

[1:15:29] Unknown speaker: Of course. You let her stay at your place for free when you were out in L.A. doing your pilot season thing back when you had frosted tips. She always felt like she owed you.

[1:15:37] Unknown speaker: Wow, thanks Candy wherever you are. General, our holiday season just got a substantial upgrade.

[1:15:41] Unknown speaker: Damn right. But wait! What do we get for helping Candy pull everything off and being her closest and most trusted, yeah, friends, huh?

[1:15:53] Unknown speaker: The ultimate satisfaction of knowing you helped out a friend in need. And that's what the holiday season is all about, don't you know?

[1:16:01] Unknown speaker: Oh, okay. That's right.

[1:16:05] Unknown speaker: And that brings us to the end of our holiday radio play for this season. Thank you all for listening and for being supporters of us and the show.

[1:16:15] Unknown speaker: A huge shout out to our absolutely incredible cast who totally nailed this one-shot live recording. Well, live to tape. And now for a not-so-live-to-tape explanation of how you can take your one-shot to do some good this holiday season.

[1:16:31] Unknown speaker: Hello there, General Lee.

[1:16:33] General Lee: General Lee speaking.

[1:16:35] Unknown speaker: Hey everybody, Colin Donnell here. This is Patti Murin. This is Kelvin Moonlow. Jaylane Marcos. Jeremy Jordan. This is Elliott Maddox. I'm Michael Cerberus. This is Squiggs. Antoine L. Smith. This is Jen Gambatese. T-Boy Itch. Aaron Albano. Haley Pichune. Robbie Roselle. Michael Kilgore. Madison Stratton. Andrew Bredis. James Monroe Iglehart. And I'm Hannah Ellis.

[1:17:01] Unknown speaker: And this holiday season, all of us friends of the show want to ask all of you listeners of the show to look inside your theater-loving, radio play listening hearts and join us in supporting our amazing friends at Broadway Bound Kids. Broadway Bound Kids is a non-profit that inspires and empowers young lives through the performing arts in a transformative and inclusive community. Their mission is simple. To make arts education accessible to as many students as possible throughout Manhattan and the surrounding boroughs.

[1:17:23] Unknown speaker: Students in the Broadway Bound Kids program experience creative and exciting classes and workshops led by talented, caring teaching artists who are professional performers here in the city. Just like all of us, Broadway Bound Kids passionately believes that involvement in the performing arts increases self-esteem, confidence, self-expression, critical thinking, and empathy.

[1:17:41] Unknown speaker: These lessons will aid students at home and in school. Your support enables Broadway Bound Kids to offer free, subsidized, and scholarship programs for more than 500 students a week. $1,000 can sponsor one child for Broadway Bound Kids for an entire year. So let's see how many year-long scholarships we can give out for Broadway Bound Kids.

[1:18:01] Unknown speaker: If you're a member of Broadway Kids' Patreon, 100% of the proceeds from December will be going directly to Broadway Bound Kids. Not a member of Patreon? Then go directly to www.broadwayboundkids.net and click on donate. And that's it! Hi, my name is Erin Glass and I'm the founder of Broadway Bound Kids. Thank you so much for your support and from all of us at Broadway Bound Kids and all of us friends of the show and from all of us at Broadwaysted Happy Holidays!

[1:18:27] Unknown speaker: Happy Holidays!

[1:18:29] Unknown speaker: Happy Holidays!

[1:18:31] Unknown speaker: Happy Holidays!

[1:18:33] Unknown speaker: Merry Christmas! Happy Hanukkah!

[1:18:35] Unknown speaker: Happy Holidays!

[1:18:37] Unknown speaker: Happy Holidays!

[1:18:39] Unknown speaker: Feliz Navidad!

[1:18:41] Unknown speaker: Happy Holidays!

[1:18:43] Unknown speaker: So from all of us at Broadwaysted and all of our family of the show Happy Holidays!

[1:18:55] Unknown speaker: Oh, we're actually doing that?

[1:18:57] Unknown speaker: Happy Holidays!

[1:18:59] Unknown speaker: Happy Holidays!

[1:19:01] Unknown speaker: Good Lord, Happy Holidays!

[1:19:03] Unknown speaker: Get Celeste a new highlighter!

[1:19:07] Unknown speaker: And as we end every episode, we raise a glass and say, ZooDooWop Bum!

[1:19:15] Unknown speaker: Alright everybody, that's a wrap.

[1:19:17] Unknown speaker: Oh no, I don't think it was recording.

[1:19:21] Unknown speaker: So let's just start over from the very beginning.

[1:19:23] Unknown speaker: Kevin!

[1:19:25] Unknown speaker: Kevin!

[1:19:27] Unknown speaker: You spent $678 on room service!

[1:19:31] Unknown speaker: Kevin!

[1:19:33] Unknown speaker: Happy Holidays everyone!

[1:19:35] Unknown speaker: Bye!

[1:19:45] Unknown speaker: Bye!