This transcript was automatically generated and might contain errors.

[0:00] Jesse McAnally: Hello, I'm Jesse McAnally.

[0:17] Alan Seales: And hello, I'm Alan Seales.

[0:19] Liz Esten: And welcome to Carrey'd Away, a podcast where we explore the films and television shows starring the one and only James Eugene Carrey.

[0:27] Jesse McAnally: Alright guys, we're recording shit so out of order. I have no transition lines, I don't have context for where we even are in Jim Carrey's career. But did you know, for a brief period in 1998, he showed up to a movie set, did 15 minutes of work, and is now in Simon Birch? He was only at that graveyard for 15 minutes.

[0:48] Alan Seales: I think he did like a day of work. Yeah, 100%.

[0:51] Jesse McAnally: I thought, oh, okay. It might have been a day and a half because he had to do the voiceover, so he probably had to go to recording studio. I literally think they just brought him into the car that was waiting to pick him up and had him do one take each line. Because if you listen to his lines like, oh, and I was worried that my mom might not remember. Like he's doing it with a smile on his face and you can hear it in the recording. And he's like, ever since my mom died, I was worried I wouldn't feel joy again.

[1:17] Alan Seales: Uh, yeah. I did not particularly believe some of it.

[1:23] Jesse McAnally: Some of it. No.

[1:24] Alan Seales: Some of it. It's sad because all the other dilfs in this movie are fucking acting their ass off. But in case you haven't picked up or thrown down this week, we are talking about Simon Birch. Cue the trailer.

[1:36] Jesse McAnally: On September 11th, Hollywood Pictures invites you to experience one of the most unique and touching films you'll ever see. I'm going to be a hero.

[1:44] Alan Seales: Pretty vague job description, huh?

[1:46] Jesse McAnally: Simon Birch is one of the best films of the year.

[1:49] Alan Seales: I'm a miracle, you know?

[1:50] Jesse McAnally: Yeah, yeah.

[1:52] Alan Seales: A rare film experience so moving, so entertaining, you'll never forget it.

[2:01] Jesse McAnally: Simon Birch, rated PG.

[2:03] Alan Seales: First this Friday in select cities.

[2:05] Jesse McAnally: So Simon Birch was a film released on September 11th, 1998, two years before, or three years before Nothing Important happened. It was written by Mark Stephen Johnson, loosely based on—actually, that's not the exact word. The title, the film says, Suggested by A Prayer for Owen Meany by John Irving. It stars Joseph Mazzello, Oliver Platt, David Strathairn—well, I've never said his name before.

[2:31] Alan Seales: Try that again.

[2:32] Jesse McAnally: David Strathairn, Ian Michael Smith, Dana Ivey, Ashley Judd, and Jan Hooks. It was directed by Mark Stephen Johnson. The plot of Simon Birch is, Simon Birch and Joe Wentworth are boys who have a reputation for being oddballs. Joe never knew his dad, and his mother, Rebecca, is keeping her lips sealed no matter how much he protests. Simon, meanwhile, is an 11-year-old dwarf who, outside his personality, belies his small stature. Indeed, he often assails the local reverend with thorny theological questions, and joins Joe on his quest to find his biological mother, one sexual assault at a time.

[3:16] Alan Seales: Biological father.

[3:18] Jesse McAnally: Whatever. Biological parent. So, this is an interesting little piece of the late 90s romanticization of the mid-20th century. This goes right along with, like, The Sandlot and other films that are like, man, weren't the 50s great when we didn't have to worry about all the problems of the 1990s? You know, when we have the highest job market in the world, no economic crashes coming ahead, no terrorism, no war. You know, the really difficult, hard times of the 90s.

[3:57] Alan Seales: I mean, all we had to deal with in the 90s was basically Creed.

[4:00] Jesse McAnally: Yeah, how did you survive? How did y'all survive?

[4:04] Alan Seales: Yeah, it was Creed and Hootie and the Blowfish. And once we made it past those two conflicts, then we were smooth sailing until the Y2K bug almost took us out.

[4:13] Jesse McAnally: Yeah. So, Simon Birch rings hollow of, like, boomer belief that, man, we used to have it so good in the good old days, and also, like, men should do whatever they want to women. Like, those two things are being pulled hand-in-hand in two halves. And it's so strange because Liz and I were talking a little bit about this before we recorded. This and another film came out, like, days apart. A film called The Mighty, and they have almost the identical premise and have basically every major beat hit the same way, and they were released, like, days apart. Like, this was released September 11th. That was released, I believe, like, October 20th.

[4:58] Alan Seales: October 9th.

[4:59] Jesse McAnally: October 9th, even worse. Like, a little under a month difference.

[5:05] Alan Seales: And they're basically the same movie. And that stars Kieran Culkin, which is, kind of, an abled actor playing a disabled character. But they're very similar movies, and they—spoiler alert—they both end the same. The little boy dies.

[5:18] Jesse McAnally: You gotta pull on those hard strings.

[5:20] Alan Seales: You gotta manipulate those audiences.

[5:23] Jesse McAnally: Yeah.

[5:25] Alan Seales: But what'd you think, Alan?

[5:26] Alan Seales: You know, I actually thought it was positive. I liked it. I did like it. I will go there, and I will stand behind that header of, I liked it. Again, this is one of those where, like, oh, there's Jim Carrey. There goes Jim Carrey. And we don't see him again until the very end, even though we hear him, possibly not so great, read some lines that were recorded out of the car that was used on set.

[5:50] Jesse McAnally: Yeah. Simon Birch was the greatest kid I ever knew. Too bad he's about to kill my mom.

[5:56] Alan Seales: I liked—what's the actor's name? Michael Ian Black?

[6:00] Jesse McAnally: Yeah.

[6:00] Alan Seales: Not Michael Ian Black. Ian Michael Smith.

[6:03] Jesse McAnally: Ian Michael Smith.

[6:05] Alan Seales: Heather Locklear, right? Or Jenny McCarthy. Which—okay, anyway. Too soon?

[6:10] Alan Seales: So the—I liked that little actor. I mean, and I googled him. He's still alive today.

[6:16] Jesse McAnally: Yes.

[6:17] Alan Seales: He's, like, very some—

[6:18] Jesse McAnally: Very, very good.

[6:19] Alan Seales: Dealing with some stuff lately. Recently, he is very—so he was a disabled man, and still is, and is having difficulty with basics of living and arrangements in his home. A few years ago, he was just interviewed by local news about how difficult it is to live and how he has no assistance in a very not-disabled-friendly world and apartment system, which we gotta get better at, and I hope that he gets the help that he needs, because he is a great actor and was very good in this film.

[6:55] Jesse McAnally: He was great. He was a great actor. Yeah, there were—I mean, as are all movies, there were a lot of parts that made the disability the butt of the joke, which make me uncomfortable now. But overall, like, I see where the focus of the movie was trying to show us that everybody is good on the inside, or, you know, whatever message they were trying to get across.

[7:23] Alan Seales: See, the message is the thing I struggle with the most, because I feel like it's very muddled.

[7:28] Jesse McAnally: Well, that's what I took away, was A, in the 90s, you could do whatever you want to women.

[7:33] Alan Seales: Not cool.

[7:33] Jesse McAnally: No.

[7:33] Alan Seales: B, especially if you're a kid, still not cool.

[7:36] Jesse McAnally: Three? D?

[7:37] Alan Seales: Four?

[7:37] Jesse McAnally: What point am I on?

[7:39] Alan Seales: Five?

[7:39] Jesse McAnally: Yes, I am.

[7:40] Alan Seales: Yes, I am.

[7:42] Jesse McAnally: Yeah, if you're disabled, then it doesn't matter what you do. You can do whatever you want, which obviously, like, all of this, not cool. But overall, like, the story was cute, and it had, like, I liked the other kid who played Simon Birch's best friend, whose mom, played by Ashley Judd, got killed. Spoiler alert, she did. And yeah, usually it's the kid actors in movies like this that are like, eh? But these two were really good. I liked them. They didn't take me out of it.

[8:07] Alan Seales: That kid was also Tim in Jurassic Park.

[8:09] Jesse McAnally: Oh, you're right.

[8:10] Alan Seales: That's Tim.

[8:10] Jesse McAnally: And he was also in The Social Network as Mark Zuckerberg's roommate.

[8:14] Alan Seales: And Moskovitz.

[8:15] Jesse McAnally: Yes, yes. Finally, one of the richest men alive in real life.

[8:19] Alan Seales: Yeah.

[8:19] Jesse McAnally: So two child actors that did it for me. They were believable. I like all the character actor work in this movie too. I feel like every character actor, even if they're just on screen for just a tad bit of time, really sell it. I was texting you guys, like, Oliver Platt's kind of hot in this movie, just because, you know, he's a sweet, sweet man.

[8:41] Alan Seales: You were texting that while I was driving and I couldn't respond. But no, he's not hot in this.

[8:47] Jesse McAnally: He's just a sweet guy.

[8:48] Alan Seales: He's just a dad.

[8:48] Jesse McAnally: You know, he's got DILF energy.

[8:51] Alan Seales: He does have DILF energy.

[8:52] Jesse McAnally: He has dad energy, not DILF energy.

[8:55] Alan Seales: He's doofy. He's not hot.

[8:57] Jesse McAnally: He's like a guy I want to go to a baseball game with, like.

[9:00] Alan Seales: I mean, OK, we're judging Jesse's tastes in men.

[9:05] Jesse McAnally: No, no, I'm not going to. I'm not going to ick your yums.

[9:09] Alan Seales: OK, we won't yuck your yum.

[9:11] Jesse McAnally: We won't yuck your yum, obviously. Well, speaking of yums, David Strathairn.

[9:18] Alan Seales: The reverend, the reverend in the movie whose actor's name we can't pronounce.

[9:22] Jesse McAnally: Yes, he's an actor I've really liked for a while, and he will just pop up in movies and silently steal the movie. Like, he was in Nightmare Alley a few years ago. He's great in Good Night and Good Luck, the George Clooney film.

[9:36] Alan Seales: And I know him best from the 1999 adaptation of A Midsummer Night's Dream. He's just silently one of the best actors that never gets used as a main role. And I think he's doing something deceptively difficult here, where he's playing a really thorny, mean character with a heart.

[9:54] Jesse McAnally: And he's doing it very well. And upon rewatches, his performance hits differently.

[10:00] Alan Seales: And that is often a thing that's a fine line to walk. And I think that is one of the more impressive pieces of this story.

[10:07] Jesse McAnally: The truth is in the writing.

[10:09] Alan Seales: That's what you always hear from good writers, good actors and good writers. The truth is in my writing, and the actors don't take credit.

[10:12] Jesse McAnally: So this was based on a film by John, or based on a book by John Irving, A Prayer for Owen Meany, which is similar-ish.

[10:25] Alan Seales: Like, this movie kind of adapts the first act of that book and then throws a death at the end, and just throws Simon's death at the end and just speedruns the last 15 minutes.

[10:36] Jesse McAnally: Whereas the book is a lot more normal. Owen is much more of a normal kid, nowhere near as horny.

[10:46] Alan Seales: The reason for the name change was actually suggested by John Irving. He's like, you guys aren't even going to try to adapt my story. Don't do it. My book is unadaptable. Here's a name, Simon Birch. Just don't name it after Owen Meany so no one can confuse these two stories.

[11:00] Jesse McAnally: The actual author's quote was, he felt that it, quote, mislead the novel's readers to see a film with the same title, which was so different from the book.

[11:08] Alan Seales: Fair.

[11:09] Jesse McAnally: Fair.

[11:11] Alan Seales: And I don't even disrespect that. So in the book, he grows up to be an adult, even, and goes to war in Vietnam, and even helps Joe, I believe his name is John, as a self-insert character, draft-dodge from Vietnam by cutting off his fucking finger. Like, there's some weird elements, but like, so—

[11:28] Jesse McAnally: He also went to Canada, too.

[11:30] Alan Seales: He ended up moving to Canada.

[11:32] Jesse McAnally: Draft-dodge.

[11:33] Alan Seales: With his girlfriend.

[11:33] Jesse McAnally: Yes.

[11:35] Alan Seales: Well, it's also like he's gay in the novel, so maybe that's a cover-up.

[11:39] Jesse McAnally: There you go, there you go. But they did this basketball shoot thing where he'd sit on his shoulders and shoot the basketball, but then one day at an airport, a racist guy who wants to go to war, a racist kid that wants to go to war, sees a bunch of Vietnamese children that Owen is helping use the restroom, throws a grenade in there because he wants racism, and so they do that basketball move, and Owen gets his arms blown off in his arms, and he bleeds out.

[12:09] Alan Seales: Yeah.

[12:09] Jesse McAnally: You all right, you got COVID over there again?

[12:11] Alan Seales: No, I've been fighting a cold for like a week, I'm so sorry.

[12:15] Jesse McAnally: So George Salazar didn't give you COVID again?

[12:17] Alan Seales: No, he did not give me COVID this time. This is just RSV, apparently.

[12:21] Jesse McAnally: Oh, all good, all good. I'll cut out the coughs.

[12:24] Alan Seales: There's gonna be a lot more, I thought I was over this.

[12:27] Jesse McAnally: So yeah, the book is better than the movie here, you know? I think it's a better told story and takes its themes a lot more seriously and knows what it wants to say, where this one feels like, you know, what if we did a Christmas story, but Ralphie has a little disabled friend, and we do a lot of funny little vignettes?

[12:48] Alan Seales: Yeah.

[12:48] Jesse McAnally: You'll shoot your boobs off!

[12:51] Alan Seales: Right, that's the theme of this movie. Can we talk about the, there's a character named Marjorie, I believe?

[12:58] Alan Seales: Is that the teacher?

[12:59] Jesse McAnally: No, that is the girl.

[13:01] Alan Seales: The girl that Simon is obsessed with.

[13:07] Jesse McAnally: Simon, from moment one, starts with the locker room talk, like, your mom's got the best boobs in the world, buddy.

[13:13] Alan Seales: Yeah, because that's how kids talk on baseball dugout benches when they're playing baseball.

[13:18] Jesse McAnally: Yeah, she smells so good too, buddy. I just want to smell your mom's boobs.

[13:23] Alan Seales: Is this what young boys actually talk about on baseball fields?

[13:26] Jesse McAnally: No, we talk about Dragon Ball Z like normal kids.

[13:30] Alan Seales: I don't have this experience as a person that has boobs, so like...

[13:34] Jesse McAnally: Well, so one day, if you're ever a mom, maybe your boy, if you have a boy, can sit there and quietly agree with all his friends that you have the best boobs and the best smell that he's ever seen.

[13:46] Alan Seales: I think if I had a son...

[13:47] Jesse McAnally: Let's move on.

[13:49] Alan Seales: If I had a son, and I'm going to cut this, but if I had a son and I ever heard him say that, I would pull him out of the dugout and send him the fuck home for talking about my boobs and letting his friends talk about my boobs.

[14:00] Jesse McAnally: What if he was a little disabled boy?

[14:02] Alan Seales: Still, I would get he would be in big fucking trouble.

[14:06] Jesse McAnally: Hate to break it to you, but those little kids are going to talk about all your body parts to all your friends.

[14:10] Alan Seales: I'm going to cut this out too, but a little six-year-old boy accidentally grabbed my boob once when I was going to summer camp for like a second.

[14:17] Jesse McAnally: Accidentally.

[14:18] Alan Seales: What's his name?

[14:19] Jesse McAnally: Simon?

[14:20] Alan Seales: No, I forgot his name, but I didn't care at that point because it was a complete accident on his part.

[14:24] Jesse McAnally: That's a little different.

[14:28] Alan Seales: Anyway, I'm cutting all this shit.

[14:29] Jesse McAnally: He's never going to forget that.

[14:31] Alan Seales: Oh, shut up, Alan.

[14:33] Jesse McAnally: That was his first boob.

[14:34] Alan Seales: Oh, no, Alan, we're done with this.

[14:36] Jesse McAnally: We are moving on.

[14:37] Alan Seales: This is all getting cut.

[14:39] Jesse McAnally: I don't care. I'm uncomfortable. Look at me. I'm sweating.

[14:43] Alan Seales: You're sweating.

[14:44] Jesse McAnally: Sweating.

[14:46] Alan Seales: So we have this character of Marjorie.

[14:48] Jesse McAnally: Yes, her name is Marjorie.

[14:50] Alan Seales: Lust over non-stop from every time she...

[14:55] Jesse McAnally: This is where I felt like I had to be put on a list for watching this movie.

[14:58] Alan Seales: When you have this 10-year-old girl coming on and then you hear the fever song, to give me fever, as like close-ups of her body.

[15:07] Jesse McAnally: And I'm just like, I can't watch this anymore.

[15:11] Alan Seales: Yeah, she was an actual girl.

[15:16] Jesse McAnally: An undeveloped girl in this film at the time of filming.

[15:20] Alan Seales: And they're putting her on camera as if she is 10 going on 20.

[15:24] Jesse McAnally: And that was not cool.

[15:26] Alan Seales: And it's one of those things that kind of washes over you when you're 10 years old watching this movie.

[15:30] Jesse McAnally: It's like, oh, I watched Dan Schneider shows.

[15:35] Alan Seales: Watching this in my 20s makes me feel ill.

[15:38] Jesse McAnally: I mean, watching it right now today made me feel ill in those scenes.

[15:42] Alan Seales: Yeah.

[15:43] Jesse McAnally: That could have all gone away.

[15:44] Alan Seales: Done. It's so gross. It was so fucking gross.

[15:47] Jesse McAnally: But I mean, no, no, I'm not even gonna go there.

[15:50] Alan Seales: Never mind.

[15:51] Jesse McAnally: I mean, I expected better from the director of Daredevil and the writer of Jack Frost and the composer Michael Caine.

[16:00] Alan Seales: Fuck.

[16:00] Jesse McAnally: Michael, what's his name?

[16:03] Alan Seales: Michael Steven Johnson.

[16:04] Jesse McAnally: No, no, no, no.

[16:05] Alan Seales: What's Jack Frost?

[16:06] Jesse McAnally: Ian Michael.

[16:06] Alan Seales: Oh, Michael Keaton.

[16:07] Jesse McAnally: Michael Keaton's Jack Frost.

[16:09] Alan Seales: Okay.

[16:09] Jesse McAnally: Michael Caesar Johnson.

[16:10] Alan Seales: Because there's two Jack Frost and one is scarier than the other.

[16:13] Jesse McAnally: And it's the Michael Keaton one, ironically enough.

[16:14] Alan Seales: Well, do you want to know my Jack Frost tangent?

[16:17] Jesse McAnally: Sure.

[16:18] Alan Seales: Sure.

[16:18] Jesse McAnally: We can cut anything.

[16:19] Alan Seales: Yeah, I'm just gonna keep this.

[16:21] Jesse McAnally: I'll just keep this, bro.

[16:22] Alan Seales: By we, I mean not me.

[16:23] Jesse McAnally: If you look at the Jack Frost puppet, it was not made to look like Michael Keaton.

[16:28] Alan Seales: It was made to look like George Clooney.

[16:31] Jesse McAnally: And you can see it on that fucking puppet's face.

[16:33] Alan Seales: Or it's just very clearly George Clooney's face on a fucking snowman.

[16:38] Jesse McAnally: I feel like you told me this tangent on a different recording and I forgot which one it was.

[16:42] Alan Seales: I think we recorded together so much.

[16:44] Jesse McAnally: Yeah, we've done like at least 70 hours of recordings together at this point.

[16:48] Alan Seales: The 79 movie, Jack Frost?

[16:51] Jesse McAnally: No, the 1994 movie.

[16:52] Alan Seales: 94, the 98 Jack Frost starring Michael Keaton about a neglectful father who turns into a snowman and learns to love his son.

[17:00] Jesse McAnally: So he wrote Jack Frost and directed Simon Birch in the same year.

[17:04] Alan Seales: What a year for you, buddy.

[17:05] Jesse McAnally: Yeah.

[17:06] Alan Seales: Yeah.

[17:06] Jesse McAnally: He also directed Christopher Robin.

[17:09] Alan Seales: No, he wrote.

[17:10] Jesse McAnally: He wrote Christopher Robin.

[17:11] Alan Seales: He also wrote the Netflix movie Love in the Villa.

[17:15] Jesse McAnally: He's still working and he lovingly shot close-ups of a child's breasts.

[17:22] Alan Seales: Also, you did mention Ghost Rider.

[17:25] Jesse McAnally: Oh yeah, he did write Ghost Rider and direct Ghost Rider.

[17:27] Alan Seales: Yes, he did.

[17:28] Jesse McAnally: One of the first Marvel hits before, you know, before the MCU.

[17:33] Alan Seales: Yeah.

[17:33] Jesse McAnally: Fuck Iron Man.

[17:34] Alan Seales: Fuck Iron Man, indeed.

[17:37] Jesse McAnally: So do we want to unpack that any more than we have?

[17:40] Alan Seales: That that is a weird thing that we were just kind of cool with and even in Cisco's like, this movie is great.

[17:45] Jesse McAnally: This movie is fantastic.

[17:47] Alan Seales: Yeah, I got stuff to say.

[17:49] Jesse McAnally: I got stuff to say here.

[17:50] Alan Seales: Let's hear it.

[17:51] Jesse McAnally: I got stuff.

[17:52] Alan Seales: I'm really mad at this movie for making the fucking sympathetic main character, who's a poor little boy who's just like doing his best considering terrible circumstances, just actively sexually assault a person and expect me to forgive him and make him a hero because Jesus loves him.

[18:09] Jesse McAnally: Like, come the fuck on movie.

[18:12] Alan Seales: Like, he's a sex pervert.

[18:14] Jesse McAnally: You can't.

[18:16] Alan Seales: I know he's a child, but he's a sex pervert.

[18:19] Jesse McAnally: It's gross.

[18:20] Alan Seales: It's like one of his main character traits.

[18:23] Jesse McAnally: Is that what we hear from him is, damn, your mom has nice boobs.

[18:28] Alan Seales: And that's one of his first lines.

[18:29] Jesse McAnally: Yeah.

[18:30] Alan Seales: Yeah.

[18:30] Jesse McAnally: What was the audition like for all these kids who had to talk about mom boobs?

[18:34] Alan Seales: Yeah.

[18:35] Jesse McAnally: Right.

[18:35] Alan Seales: I don't want to even see those tapes.

[18:37] Jesse McAnally: But backing up, you said he's a sex pervert. What other types of perverts are there asking for a friend?

[18:42] Alan Seales: Foot perverts.

[18:43] Jesse McAnally: Butt pervert.

[18:44] Alan Seales: Okay.

[18:45] Jesse McAnally: Butt pervert.

[18:46] Alan Seales: Foot perverts.

[18:46] Jesse McAnally: Foot pervert.

[18:48] Alan Seales: Furry perverts.

[18:49] Jesse McAnally: Furverts.

[18:50] Alan Seales: Furverts.

[18:51] Jesse McAnally: Animal perverts.

[18:52] Alan Seales: Feet perverts.

[18:53] Jesse McAnally: I guess all of these do kind of link back to sex.

[18:56] Alan Seales: Yeah.

[18:56] Jesse McAnally: So the sex pervert is a general term that connects to specific fetishes.

[19:00] Alan Seales: There are food perverts where they get aroused by food.

[19:04] Jesse McAnally: Yeah.

[19:04] Alan Seales: Or the bloating thing that a lot of Sonic fan art is.

[19:07] Jesse McAnally: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[19:09] Alan Seales: Was there ever a time when the word pervert was not a negative connotation?

[19:12] Jesse McAnally: Probably never.

[19:14] Alan Seales: I don't know.

[19:14] Jesse McAnally: Pop songs.

[19:16] Alan Seales: Maybe pop songs.

[19:17] Jesse McAnally: Okay.

[19:18] Alan Seales: But anyway, back to me.

[19:19] Jesse McAnally: Just curious.

[19:19] Alan Seales: Back to me being mad at Simon Birch.

[19:21] Jesse McAnally: Let's go.

[19:22] Alan Seales: I hate this guy.

[19:23] Jesse McAnally: I hate Simon Birch.

[19:24] Alan Seales: I hate he's a terrible human being.

[19:26] Jesse McAnally: I don't care that he's tiny and saved a bunch of children from drowning.

[19:30] Alan Seales: He mistreated a person and then barely apologized.

[19:33] Jesse McAnally: And then just like, I'm a good person because God.

[19:36] Alan Seales: And I'm like...

[19:37] Jesse McAnally: No.

[19:37] Alan Seales: If he didn't die in that bus accident, he'd be crawling under women's dresses.

[19:41] Jesse McAnally: All right.

[19:41] Alan Seales: Yeah.

[19:41] Jesse McAnally: If this Simon Birch lived through that bus accident, he would be on a list somewhere.

[19:49] Alan Seales: That's true.

[19:50] Jesse McAnally: You know who's innocent though?

[19:51] Alan Seales: Who?

[19:52] Jesse McAnally: Joe Wentworth.

[19:52] Alan Seales: His buddy.

[19:53] Jesse McAnally: He might be an enabler, but I don't think he did anything wrong.

[19:56] Alan Seales: Nothing wrong.

[19:58] Jesse McAnally: Except for every time Simon Birch talked about how good his mom's boobs are.

[20:01] Alan Seales: And he was like, shut up, Simon.

[20:03] Jesse McAnally: Shut the fuck up, you little twerp.

[20:05] Alan Seales: He's like, cool.

[20:06] Jesse McAnally: Yeah, I agree with you.

[20:07] Alan Seales: Cool.

[20:07] Jesse McAnally: Yeah.

[20:08] Alan Seales: I like...

[20:09] Jesse McAnally: I also like my mom's boobs.

[20:13] Alan Seales: And I get to see them because I'm her son.

[20:14] Jesse McAnally: Yeah, no.

[20:15] Alan Seales: As a person of the...

[20:17] Jesse McAnally: As a person who...

[20:17] Alan Seales: My viewpoint of this movie is very, probably very different than you two from the sexual assault angle.

[20:20] Jesse McAnally: So like, it's bad.

[20:23] Alan Seales: It's really bad.

[20:24] Jesse McAnally: Like, I wish they just didn't include that.

[20:26] Alan Seales: Because the book version of The Christmas Play is very different.

[20:30] Jesse McAnally: Also, I didn't read the book.

[20:31] Alan Seales: I got all my info about the book Differences Room.

[20:35] Jesse McAnally: Why the book wins book versus movie on YouTube, I did not read the book.

[20:38] Alan Seales: I just want to source her 100%.

[20:40] Jesse McAnally: I did not get this information from out of nowhere.

[20:43] Alan Seales: Basically, Simon gets a boner because the reverend's wife gives him a kiss on a cheek.

[20:49] Jesse McAnally: And then the angel never knows his lines.

[20:51] Alan Seales: And then a bunch of shit goes wrong.

[20:52] Jesse McAnally: And it's like, perfectly normal way for Christmas Play to go wrong.

[20:56] Alan Seales: Not sexually assaulting a fellow child.

[20:59] Jesse McAnally: Sure.

[20:59] Alan Seales: Okay.

[21:00] Jesse McAnally: Can we...

[21:00] Alan Seales: I feel like we're saying, like, sexually...

[21:02] Jesse McAnally: We don't say what happens.

[21:04] Alan Seales: Yeah.

[21:05] Jesse McAnally: Liz, I want you to say exactly what happens.

[21:07] Alan Seales: Because I feel like that's slightly important.

[21:09] Jesse McAnally: Okay.

[21:10] Alan Seales: So Simon is in A Christmas Play.

[21:12] Jesse McAnally: He's playing the baby Jesus.

[21:14] Alan Seales: Because he's the only one small enough to play the baby Jesus.

[21:16] Jesse McAnally: Even though we can't even see him as an audience member.

[21:19] Alan Seales: So what's the goddamn point?

[21:21] Jesse McAnally: Anyway.

[21:22] Alan Seales: So Marjorie is playing Mary.

[21:25] Jesse McAnally: And she's leaning against the...

[21:27] Alan Seales: Leaning towards Simon.

[21:28] Jesse McAnally: Basically, her boobs are showing.

[21:29] Alan Seales: But she has a very high-cut dress on.

[21:31] Jesse McAnally: So it's like, no child cleavage.

[21:33] Alan Seales: But like, boobs in Simon's face.

[21:34] Jesse McAnally: And then Simon gets a little too horny.

[21:36] Alan Seales: And pulls Marjorie in.

[21:38] Jesse McAnally: And we don't really see what happens to Marjorie specifically.

[21:41] Alan Seales: It's kind of, like, off-screen, I think.

[21:44] Jesse McAnally: Well, the important thing that she...

[21:46] Alan Seales: The important distinction.

[21:47] Jesse McAnally: Because they didn't want to show a little boy grabbing at another little child's breasts.

[21:53] Alan Seales: He screams boobs.

[21:54] Jesse McAnally: And then reaches up.

[21:55] Alan Seales: And we just see her fall into the manger on top of him.

[21:58] Jesse McAnally: That's it.

[21:59] Alan Seales: Yeah.

[22:00] Jesse McAnally: I will put a...

[22:01] Alan Seales: Trigger warning.

[22:02] Jesse McAnally: I'll probably put a clip right about here.

[22:04] Alan Seales: Skip ahead a little bit to miss that.

[22:07] Jesse McAnally: Boy, that's hilarious.

[22:10] Alan Seales: Wow.

[22:10] Jesse McAnally: Such comedy.

[22:12] Alan Seales: Although, I will say, the angel throwing up?

[22:15] Jesse McAnally: Good comedy.

[22:16] Alan Seales: That's good.

[22:16] Jesse McAnally: That's high-quality comedy.

[22:18] Alan Seales: I can't watch people puke in movies.

[22:20] Jesse McAnally: But I'll trust you.

[22:21] Alan Seales: I, um...

[22:22] Jesse McAnally: To take it away from child boobs, if you don't mind.

[22:26] Alan Seales: I enjoyed the dinner scene where they were setting the context around how little Wentworth was born.

[22:34] Jesse McAnally: Oh, yeah?

[22:35] Alan Seales: Yeah, she was like, hey, I just met somebody on the train.

[22:38] Jesse McAnally: I think they're pretty cool.

[22:40] Alan Seales: And the mom's like, yeah.

[22:42] Jesse McAnally: So are we going to meet him anytime soon?

[22:43] Alan Seales: Ding dong!

[22:44] Jesse McAnally: Here he is for the rest of the movie.

[22:46] Alan Seales: Even though we only met once on the train.

[22:48] Jesse McAnally: I like him.

[22:49] Alan Seales: I dig him.

[22:51] Jesse McAnally: Yeah.

[22:51] Alan Seales: Also, we should probably mention this part.

[22:53] Jesse McAnally: Joe's main subplot in this movie is that he is a bastard child, and he doesn't know who his father is.

[22:58] Alan Seales: He's a bastard orphan.

[23:00] Jesse McAnally: And then we find out in the end...

[23:01] Alan Seales: Son of a whore.

[23:02] Jesse McAnally: Spy...

[23:04] Alan Seales: Spiler alert?

[23:04] Jesse McAnally: What the hell's wrong with me?

[23:06] Alan Seales: Son of a whore and a reverend dropped in the middle of a...

[23:09] Jesse McAnally: Twist!

[23:10] Alan Seales: The reverend is his dad.

[23:11] Jesse McAnally: The reverend did it.

[23:12] Alan Seales: Literally.

[23:13] Jesse McAnally: The reverend fucked the lady.

[23:15] Alan Seales: He gives big I fucked your mom energy.

[23:17] Jesse McAnally: Yeah.

[23:17] Alan Seales: So yeah, that's most of the movie.

[23:19] Jesse McAnally: The back half is him trying to find out who the father is.

[23:21] Alan Seales: Because...

[23:22] Jesse McAnally: Yeah.

[23:23] Alan Seales: I am invested in that plot.

[23:26] Jesse McAnally: That could have been a movie.

[23:28] Alan Seales: But sadly, it's the B-plot in Simon's movie where he just rants and raves like, I'm an instrument of God!

[23:34] Jesse McAnally: Show me your titties!

[23:35] Alan Seales: Who did you think it was going to be?

[23:37] Jesse McAnally: I mean, I've seen this movie before, so I can't really...

[23:40] Alan Seales: I know.

[23:41] Jesse McAnally: So something like this...

[23:43] Alan Seales: When we're going back for the podcast, I watch it at 2x speed or 1.5x, depending on what's going on.

[23:47] Jesse McAnally: So I didn't have enough time to really sit down and be like, hmm, I wonder who it's going to be.

[23:52] Alan Seales: I thought it was going to be the suitor that Ashley Judd met, right?

[23:57] Jesse McAnally: Oliver Platt.

[23:58] Alan Seales: Oliver Platt's character.

[23:59] Jesse McAnally: I was like, oh, it could be that guy.

[24:01] Alan Seales: It could be some random rando that exists in the town that is there at the baseball games.

[24:07] Jesse McAnally: But yeah, yeah, yeah.

[24:09] Alan Seales: I was like, okay, cool.

[24:11] Jesse McAnally: It's the only male character with lines.

[24:14] Alan Seales: Yeah.

[24:14] Jesse McAnally: That's true.

[24:14] Alan Seales: That's true.

[24:15] Jesse McAnally: But I could see it either being totally obvious and so obvious it couldn't be that, or it's just obvious and it wasn't a red herring.

[24:20] Alan Seales: Uh-oh.

[24:24] Jesse McAnally: Oh, he muted.

[24:24] Alan Seales: Jesse's puking in his mouth.

[24:26] Jesse McAnally: I was coughing and didn't want to annoy y'all with that noise.

[24:29] Alan Seales: Oh, it's fine.

[24:30] Jesse McAnally: The talking is more annoying than the coughing.

[24:32] Alan Seales: Fair enough.

[24:34] Jesse McAnally: Yeah.

[24:36] Alan Seales: So what did you think?

[24:38] Jesse McAnally: The movie is fine.

[24:39] Alan Seales: It's like a perfectly fine B-movie with some weird hanky elements.

[24:45] Jesse McAnally: I mean, at this point in our real recording, we would have seen so much worse shit at this point.

[24:50] Alan Seales: This is such a blip.

[24:52] Jesse McAnally: We should talk about the Jim Carrey of it all.

[24:55] Alan Seales: I do kind of want to tell the story of my first time watching this, which was in the days of Cable, Cable, Cable, where I just turned it on halfway through and I heard the narrator.

[25:04] Jesse McAnally: I'm like, oh, that voice sounds familiar.

[25:07] Alan Seales: And then it's like a fucking twist ending at the end when he just popped.

[25:10] Jesse McAnally: What, what, what are you doing here?

[25:12] Alan Seales: Jim, what you doing here?

[25:15] Jesse McAnally: Yeah, this is a real movie.

[25:17] Alan Seales: You're not going to talk out your ass at the cemetery.

[25:19] Jesse McAnally: And he's fine.

[25:21] Alan Seales: D minus narration.

[25:22] Jesse McAnally: So this came after Ace Ventura.

[25:24] Alan Seales: This came after the goofy, goofy, goofy talking out of your butthole.

[25:28] Jesse McAnally: Yes, this came after both Ace Venturas, actually.

[25:31] Alan Seales: He did that twice.

[25:32] Jesse McAnally: So then he so then he shows up for a day and does a, you know, a little bit of a cemetery line with some kid who had less time on set than he did.

[25:44] Alan Seales: And guess what?

[25:45] Jesse McAnally: Heck, in that kid's name, Simon.

[25:48] Alan Seales: I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna name my son after the sex pervert I had as a friend as a child.

[25:53] Jesse McAnally: I'm going to name my child after the man that killed my mommy.

[25:58] Alan Seales: I mean, so nice.

[25:59] Jesse McAnally: Like how, how much is, how nice is it if you stayed best friends with your best friend after they accidentally killed your mom?

[26:07] Alan Seales: I don't know if I have the power to do that.

[26:09] Jesse McAnally: Right?

[26:09] Alan Seales: I would just probably leave.

[26:11] Jesse McAnally: Right?

[26:11] Alan Seales: I would probably like move.

[26:12] Jesse McAnally: Like if I was old enough, I'd just really move.

[26:14] Alan Seales: I mean, my whole point, yeah, is like, I don't, as much as I knew it was an accident, there's like a level of just association that you can't help by hanging out, especially playing baseball.

[26:24] Jesse McAnally: Because I guess we didn't say that Simon Birch usually plays baseball and is told not to hit because he has such a tiny strike zone.

[26:30] Alan Seales: And then for whatever reason, the coach is like, yeah, hit this time, hit this time.

[26:36] Jesse McAnally: And so the one time he makes contact, he pops it into left field, smacks right into Ashley Judd's head, drops dead.

[26:43] Alan Seales: Whoopsie doodle.

[26:44] Jesse McAnally: Whoopsie doo.

[26:45] Alan Seales: And the fun thing, like she dies immediately.

[26:48] Jesse McAnally: Right.

[26:48] Alan Seales: Like the coach is like, she's dead.

[26:50] Jesse McAnally: And in the book, it like whiplashes her head across and she breaks her neck.

[26:55] Alan Seales: Ah, in the movie, it's just like bonks her head and she falls down.

[26:59] Jesse McAnally: It's like, oh, she's dead now.

[27:00] Alan Seales: Like, no, no, no, no, no.

[27:01] Jesse McAnally: Haven't you ever been hit in the bed with a baseball?

[27:02] Alan Seales: It doesn't bonk.

[27:03] Jesse McAnally: It doesn't whiplash your head.

[27:04] Alan Seales: Sorry.

[27:04] Jesse McAnally: Yeah, no, just like take her to a hospital.

[27:06] Alan Seales: I got hit in the forehead once with baseball playing.

[27:09] Jesse McAnally: What was my first base that it left the mark of the stitches on my forehead?

[27:13] Alan Seales: The ball.

[27:14] Jesse McAnally: Jesus Christ.

[27:15] Alan Seales: And I got right back out there and played the next inning before we.

[27:18] Jesse McAnally: I didn't cry about dead mom.

[27:20] Alan Seales: Oh, your mom died at a baseball game, too.

[27:22] Jesse McAnally: I'm so sorry.

[27:24] Alan Seales: Singing killed my mom.

[27:26] Jesse McAnally: OK, OK, no, that's trolls.

[27:30] Alan Seales: Singing killed my grandma.

[27:31] Jesse McAnally: Yes, grandma, not mom.

[27:33] Alan Seales: You know, the trolls killed my grandma eventually, and I had to go live with all of her plat.

[27:38] Jesse McAnally: And then and then her maid who lost a leg also died.

[27:42] Alan Seales: So and cut his finger off to avoid Canada to two fingers to avoid the draft.

[27:47] Jesse McAnally: Also, he hated America.

[27:49] Alan Seales: Yeah, I hate America sometimes, too.

[27:51] Jesse McAnally: The same all over the place.

[27:53] Alan Seales: Before we move on to our review section, I do want to talk about one specific change from Owen Meany, which is a very interesting ending to that book.

[28:03] Jesse McAnally: So instead of discovering that the reverend is the father in the point where it happens in the movie, they live their whole life.

[28:11] Alan Seales: Owen dies.

[28:12] Jesse McAnally: And you know how John finds out that the reverend is his father.

[28:17] Alan Seales: The ghost of Simon takes over the reverend and forces him to say it.

[28:21] Jesse McAnally: I am your father.

[28:24] Alan Seales: And he then John dresses up a mannequin and makes it look like his mother so that the reverend thinks that God is real or something.

[28:34] Jesse McAnally: It's a very weird ending.

[28:37] Alan Seales: Well, I somehow am glad that I watched the movie and didn't read the book.

[28:40] Jesse McAnally: Sounds like the movie is a little bit better.

[28:42] Alan Seales: And no, the book better than this.

[28:44] Jesse McAnally: John Irving's just a better writer.

[28:46] Alan Seales: So it kind of feels metaphorical and like it has a purpose where here just shit's happening.

[28:51] Jesse McAnally: Also in the book, there's two Christmas plays.

[28:53] Alan Seales: And in one of them, Simon plays the ghost of Christmas future.

[28:56] Jesse McAnally: So like the ghost thing kind of makes more sense.

[28:59] Alan Seales: Yeah, maybe just as a hallucinization.

[29:12] Alan Seales: Jeanne Siskel is the 7th best movie of 1998.

[29:42] Jess McAnally: Deep Impact, Catch Me If You Can, Star Trek Insurrection, SLC Punk, The Day Lincoln Was Shot, Pluto TV, Cats the Movie.

[29:51] Alan Seales: You know what? Maybe he's right.

[29:53] Jess McAnally: Yeah, maybe he's right. Maybe he's right. Maybe that was a rough year.

[29:57] Alan Seales: But yeah, I can't access it because the Chicago Tribune doesn't let me read their articles unless I give them my credit card. So just take my word for it.

[30:07] Jess McAnally: So we're going to go to the Letterboxd game.

[30:09] Alan Seales: Let's go.

[30:10] Jess McAnally: Yay.

[30:11] Alan Seales: Alright, so this is a game where I find reviews for Jim Carrey's various movies, in this case Simon Birch. They're either very positive or very negative, and Alan and Jess have to guess if they're positive or negative based off very little context.

[30:25] Jess McAnally: So I forgot who went first last time, so I'm going to have Alan go first.

[30:30] Alan Seales: Let's go.

[30:31] Jess McAnally: Alright, I won last time we played trying to lose, so I'm going to try to lose again.

[30:34] Alan Seales: Okay.

[30:35] Jess McAnally: Oh yeah, you tried to lose out of spite because you hated it.

[30:38] Alan Seales: Because you hated it, yeah.

[30:39] Jess McAnally: Yeah, Cable Guy was bad.

[30:40] Alan Seales: Yeah, true.

[30:42] Jess McAnally: Alright, one second.

[30:44] Alan Seales: Oh yeah, this is a copy from the Grinch Doc, too, because it had Alan and Andrew on there.

[30:49] Alan Seales: Alright, Alan, are you ready?

[30:51] Jess McAnally: Jess, I am.

[30:53] Alan Seales: Just watch it.

[30:54] Jess McAnally: Five.

[30:55] Alan Seales: That's right.

[30:56] Jess McAnally: I mean, yes. I mean, no, I'm so confused on how to feel.

[30:58] Alan Seales: Alright, Jess.

[30:59] Jess McAnally: I am here.

[31:00] Alan Seales: Watch this as Oliver Platt intended in 47 parts on TikTok.

[31:05] Jess McAnally: That is a five.

[31:07] Alan Seales: That's actually a one.

[31:09] Jess McAnally: What the heck?

[31:11] Alan Seales: Alan.

[31:12] Jess McAnally: Is that legal to do?

[31:13] Alan Seales: Can you upload movies on TikTok?

[31:15] Jess McAnally: No, that's the thing on TikTok. You upload movies in like 8,000 parts, and you can watch the whole thing on certain TikTok accounts.

[31:20] Alan Seales: Well, at the time of recording now, you can do IG Reels up to three minutes, right? Isn't that a new thing?

[31:24] Jess McAnally: I think so.

[31:25] Alan Seales: Anyway, go ahead.

[31:26] Jess McAnally: I don't know how IG Reels work. My friend just sends me like 800 a day, and I watch them when I feel like it.

[31:30] Alan Seales: Fair.

[31:31] Alan Seales: Alright, Alan.

[31:32] Jess McAnally: Yes.

[31:33] Alan Seales: Just remembered that I was forced to watch this in my grade 9 religion class, and I was the only one crying at the end, and my teacher laughed at me.

[31:42] Jess McAnally: Five.

[31:43] Alan Seales: That's a one, actually.

[31:44] Jess McAnally: No! I mean, yes! I mean, no!

[31:48] Alan Seales: Jess.

[31:49] Jess McAnally: Yes.

[31:50] Alan Seales: Short kid kills friend's mom with baseball.

[31:53] Jess McAnally: That's a five.

[31:54] Alan Seales: That's correct.

[31:55] Jess McAnally: And accurate.

[31:56] Alan Seales: It's very accurate.

[31:57] Jess McAnally: It's a logline for Netflix.

[31:59] Alan Seales: No reason.

[32:00] Alan Seales: Yes.

[32:01] Jess McAnally: Somebody hit me with a stop sign.

[32:04] Alan Seales: One.

[32:05] Jess McAnally: Five.

[32:06] Alan Seales: Yes!

[32:07] Jess McAnally: This is what I had to write my 7th grade paper on?

[32:15] Alan Seales: Question mark?

[32:16] Jess McAnally: One.

[32:17] Alan Seales: Correct.

[32:18] Jess McAnally: Anything with homework.

[32:20] Alan Seales: Yeah.

[32:21] Alan Seales: Alright, Alan.

[32:22] Jess McAnally: Okay.

[32:23] Alan Seales: Simon is going to hell.

[32:24] Jess McAnally: One.

[32:25] Alan Seales: About right.

[32:26] Jess McAnally: Correct.

[32:27] Alan Seales: Which is right. He is going to hell.

[32:28] Jess McAnally: He is. He is.

[32:29] Alan Seales: He was not God's instrument, but Satan's.

[32:31] Jess McAnally: Satan's instrument.

[32:32] Alan Seales: Yeah.

[32:33] Jess McAnally: Right?

[32:37] Alan Seales: Yes.

[32:38] Jess McAnally: No.

[32:39] Alan Seales: Yes.

[32:40] Jess McAnally: Yes.

[32:41] Alan Seales: It is Jess's turn.

[32:42] Jess McAnally: It's Jess.

[32:43] Alan Seales: Yeah.

[32:44] Jess McAnally: This movie sucks and is surprisingly pervy. What's with the shot of a little 12-year-old girl's breasts? It was completely unnecessary.

[32:49] Alan Seales: See? That's negative.

[32:50] Jess McAnally: And it's obviously negative. So I'm going five.

[32:53] Alan Seales: You're right.

[32:54] Jess McAnally: That's what I would have done. I'm trying to pull the trickies.

[32:58] Alan Seales: You know, a lot of people reviewed Simon Birch on Letterboxd for obvious reasons. So it's a little harder to trick you guys. It's a popular movie. Everyone loves it.

[33:07] Jess McAnally: Let's see how many people reviewed Simon Birch.

[33:09] Alan Seales: 17,000 people have logged this in.

[33:12] Jess McAnally: It was on ABC Family every week.

[33:14] Alan Seales: It was?

[33:15] Jess McAnally: It was on a lot.

[33:16] Alan Seales: Oh, God. Probably more like AMC or something, but it was on a lot.

[33:20] Jess McAnally: Yeah.

[33:21] Alan Seales: I did not catch it on ABC Family, but maybe I wasn't watching it enough.

[33:24] Jess McAnally: Me neither.

[33:25] Alan Seales: Alright.

[33:27] Jess McAnally: I would have just ate all those peas, TBH.

[33:30] Alan Seales: Five.

[33:31] Jess McAnally: This person likes peas.

[33:32] Alan Seales: That is correct. That is a reference to a scene where Oliver Platt takes up too many peas at the dinner table.

[33:37] Jess McAnally: Because he's so nervous.

[33:38] Alan Seales: And he's very awkward about it.

[33:39] Jess McAnally: So nervous. Meeting the fam for the first time after meeting Ashley Judd once.

[33:43] Alan Seales: Had they banged yet, do you think?

[33:45] Jess McAnally: They definitely banged on the way there.

[33:47] Alan Seales: In the train bathroom, yes.

[33:48] Jess McAnally: Yeah, they banged on the way there on the train.

[33:50] Alan Seales: She calls it the Dirty Reverend.

[33:52] Jess McAnally: Yeah.

[33:53] Alan Seales: The sequel has her ghost coming back pregnant.

[33:55] Jess McAnally: Oh, no.

[33:56] Alan Seales: Oh, no.

[33:57] Jess McAnally: Ghost baby.

[34:00] Alan Seales: Ghost train baby.

[34:01] Jess McAnally: Ghost train.

[34:02] Alan Seales: Simon Birch 2. Ghost train baby.

[34:04] Jess McAnally: What was that Doritos commercial? Where, like, baby monkey, something monkey baby?

[34:11] Alan Seales: Yeah, I know which one you're talking about.

[34:13] Jess McAnally: You got to cut in something here, Liz.

[34:15] Alan Seales: I don't know what this is.

[34:16] Jess McAnally: Alec, you're going to have to send it to me, because I've never heard of this.

[34:19] Alan Seales: Doritos.

[34:20] Jess McAnally: Yeah, puppy baby.

[34:21] Alan Seales: Oh, you're going to have to send that my way.

[34:23] Jess McAnally: Alright, we're going to take a moment, watch this all together.

[34:26] Alan Seales: Okay, send me the link, too, so the lovely audience can also hear it.

[34:30] Jess McAnally: Let's see, I share screen, right?

[34:33] Alan Seales: Yeah, share tab.

[34:34] Jess McAnally: Make sure you do it with sound.

[34:36] Alan Seales: Share tab, audio, window, Super Bowl.

[34:39] Jess McAnally: There we go.

[34:40] Alan Seales: I'm not getting sound, but this is enough.

[34:42] Jess McAnally: This is a nightmare.

[34:43] Alan Seales: Dear Lord, I'm going to open this on my end.

[34:46] Jess McAnally: Do I have it?

[34:47] Alan Seales: I'm so glad that the Super Bowl.

[34:49] Jess McAnally: Let's check out what's announced, Tabs.

[34:51] Alan Seales: Pornhub.

[34:52] Jess McAnally: Pornhub.

[34:53] Alan Seales: Oh, God.

[34:54] Jess McAnally: Ooh, Pornhub.

[34:55] Alan Seales: It's got a whole song.

[34:56] Jess McAnally: You can't hear this?

[34:57] Alan Seales: No, we can't hear it.

[34:58] Jess McAnally: No, your sound isn't coming through.

[34:59] Alan Seales: Oh, man. But guess what? Our lovely audience will be able to hear it.

[35:03] Jess McAnally: Yeah, they've heard it. It's a catchy jingle. Puppy, monkey, baby. Puppy, monkey, baby. Puppy, monkey, baby.

[35:08] Alan Seales: Alright, Jess, this is the last one, and you could win.

[35:11] Jess McAnally: I can win?

[35:12] Alan Seales: Yeah, you're tied currently.

[35:14] Jess McAnally: You're a wiener.

[35:15] Alan Seales: Alright, need me one of those armadillos.

[35:18] Jess McAnally: Oh, yeah. Me, too, bro.

[35:20] Alan Seales: Me, too, bro.

[35:22] Jess McAnally: Five.

[35:23] Alan Seales: That's a one.

[35:24] Jess McAnally: You're tied.

[35:25] Alan Seales: Woo!

[35:26] Jess McAnally: We are equally losers and equally winners, and I will take that as a win.

[35:30] Alan Seales: I enjoy this game more when I set the expectation of trying to lose and end up not doing so bad.

[35:34] Jess McAnally: That's a good way to go at it.

[35:36] Alan Seales: He's learned how to play the Letterboxd game.

[35:38] Jess McAnally: Yeah, you just can't give a fuck.

[35:40] Alan Seales: Lower your expectations.

[35:41] Jess McAnally: You just don't care.

[35:43] Alan Seales: I lose every time when you lose because of cheese, and I'm like, whatever.

[35:46] Jess McAnally: You two are better than me.

[35:47] Alan Seales: I have no emotional stakes in this.

[35:49] Jess McAnally: You two are better than me.

[35:50] Alan Seales: Speaking of no emotional stakes, what are our overall thoughts on Simon Birch, and is it an already-then or a no-spank-you? Alan, you go first.

[36:00] Alan Seales: Oh, man. I'm going to give this an already-then. Not a strong one. Not a strong one, but it definitely has its moments for me. So, yeah, it's not a no-spank-you. Not enough to go into no-spank-you territory. It's in the probably 60th percentile already-thens.

[36:17] Jess McAnally: Alright, Liz.

[36:18] Alan Seales: This is fine.

[36:19] Liz: It's fine. I have a lot of issues with this, mainly the whole sexual assault thing. That's a big gripe I have with it. But, like, it's fine. It's really, like, it's like a perfectly adequate semi-religious movie. Like, whatever.

[36:35] Alan Seales: I think semi-religious is being too kind.

[36:37] Liz: Yeah, no, it's very religious. It's very much Jesus wants me to be good. Like, whatever. I was raised Catholic, so I heard that enough of my life. But, yeah, it's fine. It's fine. It's fine.

[36:47] Alan Seales: I'm surprised I didn't watch this in CCD as a kid, as a last-minute thing, when my teacher ran out of ideas.

[36:53] Liz: Because they have the B word in it.

[36:55] Alan Seales: That's true. Also, they just play as the Prince of Egypt all the time, which is a much better movie.

[37:01] Jess McAnally: Did you ever get to watch the Romeo and Juliet version in, like, high school English, where they actually showed the teenage girl topless?

[37:10] Alan Seales: No.

[37:11] Jess McAnally: No, no. We watched the Baz Luhrmann version.

[37:14] Alan Seales: Yeah, remember when just teachers would show you child porn?

[37:19] Liz: Listen, where I grew up in North Carolina, in public school high school, we would have prayer over the morning PA sometimes, and there was a giant picture of Jesus in the library. Public school.

[37:33] Alan Seales: Yeah. And that's what you did.

[37:35] Liz: I just went to religious classes after school once a week until I turned 13 and said, I don't want to be Catholic anymore. And then that's it.

[37:40] Alan Seales: And you haven't talked to your parents since?

[37:44] Liz: I still live with my parents.

[37:45] Alan Seales: You live in their attic and haven't talked to them since.

[37:47] Liz: I talk to them all the time.

[37:49] Alan Seales: You're just squatting.

[37:50] Liz: Yeah, I'm just squatting here for now. They haven't kicked me out yet, which is very nice of them.

[37:55] Alan Seales: What's she up there doing right now?

[37:57] Liz: Oh, she's podcasting.

[37:58] Alan Seales: I don't even know what that means!

[38:00] Liz: Oh, no. Mom's the only mom on a mad run of podcasting if we miss an episode of Survivor the night before and we can't watch it the next night because I'm podcasting on Thursday nights every other week. My bad.

[38:10] Alan Seales: It's fine. I just make them wait. It's fine.

[38:13] Alan Seales: Does your dad listen to this?

[38:14] Liz: Uh, no. My sister does, but no one else.

[38:17] Alan Seales: Hi, Liz's sister.

[38:18] Liz: Hi!

[38:19] Alan Seales: My dad listens to the gym podcast, he says.

[38:20] Liz: That thing you do about gym.

[38:22] Alan Seales: Yeah, that's how it's described to me with family. I told people about it this week and they're like, oh, that sounds cool, but also kind of weird. I'm like, yeah, it's cool.

[38:29] Liz: Yeah, it's both.

[38:30] Alan Seales: Definitely both.

[38:31] Liz: It's both, yeah.

[38:32] Alan Seales: But anyway, this movie is weird and it's fine. It's like a 55% alrighty then, but I'm not going to give it a no spank you because it's bad, but it's not. I know I'm the person who advocates against this, but at this point, it's not porn and it's not made for a $6 budget in Canada, so it's better than most of the stuff we've watched. At its full length, yeah. And it's an actual movie. It's two hours long. With plot and payoffs and setups and good actors. Jim Carrey's in a van outside the cemetery recording his video on a shitty mic. Like, it's great.

[39:06] Alan Seales: Yeah.

[39:07] Liz: Did the music. Got some credits in there. It does have a really good score. It's got a decent score. I enjoyed it. I also wanted to highlight the cinematography, the lighting and all that. You don't see lighting like this at night anymore. We have a nice backlit so everything looks hazy. Any shot from this movie looks better than most movies today. Just look at any random still from here. They've got the beautiful kiss of light on the side. It does look a little romanticized, but everything looks like love was put into it. And I don't know if it's just because we're given a drought of fucking quality shit nowadays, but I'm just like, man, we used to have real movies. And now we don't. So for that reason alone, it is also an alrighty then for me.

[39:56] Alan Seales: There we go. Is that the first we've all agreed on?

[39:58] Jess McAnally: I don't think it's the first.

[39:59] Alan Seales: We had some stuff early on.

[40:01] Jess McAnally: No, it's the most recent one. We've had a lot of disagreements lately.

[40:04] Alan Seales: Well, you think that. But remember the order that this will come out. This is going to come out at some point in the future. I don't know.

[40:11] Jess McAnally: We're recording these all out of order because we're still out of order right now.

[40:15] Alan Seales: It's insane. This might come out in six years for all I know.

[40:18] Jess McAnally: Yeah. The next one we have on the docket that we could do is from like three years after this one. So we're really getting out of order.

[40:25] Alan Seales: Welcome to twenty twenty seven.

[40:27] Jess McAnally: Everyone welcome to podcasting.

[40:30] Alan Seales: Alright. Thank you guys for listening. Please follow us on Spotify and iTunes. I carried away with Justin Allen. We're on Twitter. I carried away Instagram carried away. Email us. I carried away podcast or Gmail dot com. Our title card is created by Grace Aki. Follow them on Instagram at it's Grace Aki. This show is produced and edited by Elizabeth Esten. Thank you, Liz. You're doing a great job. Our theme song is I choose you by the band. Thanks. Thank you to the Broadway podcast network for having us on the platform. Anything else we have left to say?

[40:54] Alan Seales: Simon Birch is going to hell.

[40:57] Jess McAnally: Simon Birch is in hell.

[40:58] Alan Seales: Not going. Jim Carrey's in hell.

[41:01] Jess McAnally: Jim Carrey's alive.

[41:02] Alan Seales: Jim Carrey's still alive.

[41:03] Jess McAnally: Yeah, he'd be in hell and not. Do you think Jim Carrey ever met Simon Birch, the actor?

[41:07] Alan Seales: No.

[41:08] Jess McAnally: No.

[41:09] Alan Seales: What?

[41:10] Jess McAnally: Not even at premieres, press events.

[41:11] Alan Seales: I don't even think Jim Carrey showed up to the premiere.

[41:14] Jess McAnally: Jim Carrey was in a scene all by himself with that kid.

[41:17] Alan Seales: So you're right. He probably met nobody else.

[41:20] Jess McAnally: Oliver Platt's like, I did a movie, Jim Carrey.

[41:22] Alan Seales: No, they met. I found a picture.

[41:25] Jess McAnally: Wait, you did?

[41:26] Alan Seales: Yeah, I found a picture.

[41:27] Jess McAnally: Show it to us.

[41:28] Alan Seales: I will show you the picture. There it is.

[41:30] Jess McAnally: Okay. Look, they met. Look at that. Jim Carrey's putting in five minutes of effort.

[41:35] Alan Seales: Yeah. I like how, like, bottom center, that movie cover is Oliver Platt and Ashley Judd, like they're the main characters.

[41:42] Jess McAnally: Oh yeah, but there's also this movie cover.

[41:44] Alan Seales: I hate that cover.

[41:45] Jess McAnally: Oh God. This is a horror movie. Like, my God.

[41:48] Alan Seales: Yeah, that baby's going to come up and kill everyone.

[41:50] Jess McAnally: That baby's a murderer.

[41:51] Alan Seales: So, yeah, the Ashley Judd, Oliver Platt cover, fine.

[41:55] Jess McAnally: Fine.

[41:57] Alan Seales: The other one is a Jason Voorhees origin story. Like, my God.

[42:00] Jess McAnally: Actually, the soundtrack is the best cover of them all and the most representative one. Like, look at that. That's a fine cover.

[42:09] Alan Seales: Yeah, that's a good family movie cover.

[42:11] Jess McAnally: Oh, that's great. Sums up the vibes.

[42:13] Alan Seales: Yeah, I guess Americans can't handle that without seeing a celebrity.

[42:18] Jess McAnally: Yeah, they got to see Oliver Platt. You know who's putting asses in seats? Oliver Platt.

[42:23] Alan Seales: He's just so hot.

[42:25] Jess McAnally: I mean, I would go watch him.

[42:27] Alan Seales: Was he that famous in 1998?

[42:30] Jess McAnally: No.

[42:31] Alan Seales: Is he that famous?

[42:32] Jess McAnally: No, he's not.

[42:34] Alan Seales: This is technically a Disney movie. Like, it's a thing to bring up.

[42:36] Jess McAnally: Really?

[42:39] Alan Seales: This was made by Hollywood Pictures, which was.

[42:42] Jess McAnally: Oh, that is Disney.

[42:43] Alan Seales: Yeah, that is owned by Disney. So this is a Disney film.

[42:46] Jess McAnally: So is Simon Birch a Disney prince?

[42:49] Alan Seales: Yeah, so he should be in the next Kingdom Hearts movie.

[42:52] Jess McAnally: Simon Birch is in the next Kingdom Hearts game. He's like a summon, where you have to pick him, and his summon code is God's Miracle.

[43:01] Alan Seales: No, his summon code is Boobs.

[43:03] Jess McAnally: Boobs! Boobs! And even Michael Smith comes back to voice him.

[43:08] Alan Seales: Well, this is his only acting credit, so I'm sure he'd love a gig.

[43:12] Jess McAnally: I was sad to see it was his only acting credit. He was good.

[43:16] Alan Seales: Yeah, he was solid.

[43:17] Jess McAnally: When he wasn't being a terrible person.

[43:20] Alan Seales: I mean, that's not his fault.

[43:22] Jess McAnally: I know, the character is a terrible person, but I can't really get past the groping.

[43:25] Alan Seales: Yeah, yeah, not cool.

[43:28] Jess McAnally: Thank you guys for listening, and we'll see you next time.

[43:30] Alan Seales: Bye-bye.