This transcript was automatically generated and might contain errors.

[0:09] John Schwab: Hi, John Schwab here, and welcome to the annual Christmas episode number five of the Curtain Call Podcast.

[0:18] John Schwab: Curtain Call is the podcast that takes you deep behind the scenes of the theater world, bringing you in-depth conversations with the storymakers that are shaping the future of theater.

[0:26] John Schwab: We pull back the curtain to reveal the stories behind the stories and give you a glimpse into the backstage world like no other podcast does.

[0:33] John Schwab: But this week it is our annual Christmas episode, episode number five.

[0:39] John Schwab: Now, in the past, I've asked some of my theatrical friends to read out a classic Christmas story.

[0:44] John Schwab: Past readers have been West End stalwarts such as Siobhan Harrison, also the Walking Dead star Eleanor Matsura.

[0:52] John Schwab: But this year we have something a little different, a little special treat.

[0:57] John Schwab: On the first of December, my family was asked to put together a series of readings as part of a Christmas Carol concert for a charity that's very close to our hearts, Allergy UK.

[1:06] John Schwab: And it took place in Christchurch, Petts Wood, which is in Southeast London.

[1:11] John Schwab: And it was just a great way to kick off the festive season.

[1:15] John Schwab: It was an amazing concert. And I thought it would be a great idea to get some of my friends to read parodies of the Clement Clarke Moore poem, Twas the Night Before Christmas, a visit from St. Nicholas.

[1:27] John Schwab: The three actors I asked all said yes straight away, and I couldn't have been more pleased that they did.

[1:34] John Schwab: So without further ado, our first reading, The Night Before Christmas Legally Speaking, I would like to introduce you to a great friend of mine, Ed Stoppard, who I met whilst in the West End play, The Leisure Society way back in 2012.

[1:51] John Schwab: Also on stage was Melanie Gray and Aggie Dean, and it was directed by the amazing Harry Burton. So here you go.

[2:06] Ed Stoppard: Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property, hereinafter the house, a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including but not limited to a mouse. A variety of foot apparel, e.g., stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed by and around the chimney in said house, in the hope and or belief that Saint Nick, aka St. Nicholas, aka Santa Claus, hereinafter Clause, would arrive at some time thereafter. The minor residents, i.e., the children of the aforementioned house, were located in their individual beds, and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e., dreams, wherein vision of confection retreats, including but not limited to sweets, nuts and or sugar plums, did dance, cavort, and otherwise appear in said dreams.

Whereupon the party of the first part, sometimes hereinafter referred to as I, being the joint owner in fee simple of the house with the party of the second part, hereinafter Mama, with said mama, had retired for a sustained period of sleep. At such time, the parties were clad in various forms of headgear, e.g., kerchief and cap. Suddenly and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the unimproved real property adjacent and appertinent to said house, i.e. the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and or circumstance. The party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in the house to investigate the cause of such disturbance. At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree of wonder and or disbelief, a miniature sleigh, hereinafter the vehicle, being pulled and or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately eight reindeer.

The driver of the vehicle appeared to be and in fact was the previously referenced Clause. Said Clause was providing specific direction, instruction, and guidance to the approximately eight reindeer, and specifically identified the animal co-conspirators by name. Dasher, dancer, prancer, vixen, comet, cupid, donner, and blitzen. Hereinafter the deer. Upon information and belief, it is further asserted that an additional co-conspirator named Rudolph may have been involved. The party of the first part witnessed Clause, the vehicle and the deer, intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the house, and noted that the vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys, and other items of unknown origin or nature.

Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission, either express or implied, the vehicle arrived at the house and Clause entered said house via the chimney. Said Clause was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered with residue from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing a portion of the aforementioned packages, toys and other unknown items. He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant violation of local bylaws and health regulations. Clause did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stockings of the minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney with toys and other small gifts. Said items did not, however, constitute gifts to said miners pursuant to the applicable provisions of his majesty's revenue and customs tax code.

Upon completion of such task, Clause touched the side of his nose and flew, rose and or ascended up the chimney of the house to the roof, where the vehicle and deer waited and or served as lookouts. Clause immediately departed for an unknown destination. However, prior to the departure of the vehicle, deer and Clause from said house, the party of the first part did hear Clause state and or exclaim, Merry Christmas to all and to all, a good night, or words to that effect. Respectfully submitted, signed the Grinch, Esquire.

[7:11] John Schwab: Ed Stoppard with The Night Before Christmas, Legally Speaking. Now, next up is an actor who has won three Olivier Awards for Best Actor in a Musical. That is right, three. Not even Michael Ball can top that. I met David Bedella over 15 years ago. I mean, it maybe even be 20 years ago. It probably is, when we filmed a couple of television pilots. Also, filming alongside us was the incomparable Hannah Waddingham. Now, David has his three Oliviers. Hannah has her Emmy. And I'm fine. Breathing. Just dandy. Anyway, David Bedella also performed a 30-minute set of Christmas music at the concert. And if you'd like to see that, or in fact, any of the readings that are in this episode, they've recorded it, and I will put that YouTube link in the episode information. But David Bedella reads the hilarious The Real Night Before Christmas by parents.

[8:39] David Bedella: It was the night before Christmas when all through the house I searched for the tools to hand to my spouse. Instructions were studied, and we were inspired in hopes we could manage some assembly required. The children were quiet, not asleep in their beds, while mom and I faced the long evening with dread. A kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's townhouse to boot, and thanks to grandpa, a train with a toot. We opened the boxes, my heart skipped a beat, let no parts be missing or parts incomplete. Too late for last minute returns or replacements. If we can't get it right, it goes to the basement. When what to my wondering eyes should appear, fifty sheets of directions, concise but not clear, with every part numbered and every slot named, so that if we failed, only we could be blamed.

More rapid than eagles, the parts then fell out, all over the carpet they scattered about. Now bolt it, now twist it, attach right here, slide on the seats and staple the stair. Hammer the shelves and nail to the stand. Honey, I shouted, you just glued my hand. And then, in a twinkling, I knew for a fact that all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact. To keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night with assembly required till morning's first light. We spoke not a word but kept bent at our work till our eyes they were bleary and our fingers all hurt. The coffee went cold, and the night it wore thin before we attached the last rod and last pin. Then laying the tools away in the chest, we fell into the bed for a well-deserved rest. But I said to my partner just before I passed out, this will be the best Christmas without any doubt.

[10:39] Ed Stoppard: Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring, and not have to run to the store for a thing.

[10:46] Ed Stoppard: We did it!

[10:47] Ed Stoppard: We did it! The toys are all set for the perfect, most perfect Christmas, I bet.

[10:52] Ed Stoppard: Then off to dreamland and sweet repose. I gratefully went. Although I suppose there's something to say to those self-deluded. I'd forgotten that batteries are never included.

[11:22] John Schwab: Now, the last parody on this ticket of 'Twas the Night Before Christmas is read by another gorgeous friend of mine whom I met performing with a little kind of show, I guess we can call it. They're events, really, called Word Theater, where actors read aloud short stories to an audience of adults and children alike. And I have read alongside people like Ian Hart, Olivia Williams, Rashawn Stone, and my next guest, Myanna Buring. And we've performed all over the place, including places like The Latitude Festival, or Chatsworth House and The Crazy Cox, or Cafe Royal. You'll know Myanna from Ripper Street, the Twilight Saga, and also The Witcher series. And Myanna Buring is going to read our last story. Tis the month before Christmas, and she reads it so beautifully. It just has to be heard. I've got to stop myself from crying. You're all so amazing. And I was so moved.

[12:37] Myanna Buring: We're all going nuts with so much to do. There's no ifs and or buts. Buy presents, hang tree lights, pop cards in the mail, send gift packs, thread popcorn, find turkeys on sale. Decorations need stringing up all through the house. And you haven't a clue what to buy for your spouse. School concerts, receptions, open houses with friends, long lineups, short tempers tying up those loose ends. With all our mad dashing, we're reeling from shock. Let's stop for a minute and really take stock. It's crassly commercial, the cynicals say. If that's true, then it's our fault. It's us, not they. Instead, make an angel in the snow with your child. The shortbread can wait. And so can the tree. What's important is to feel a child's sense of glee.

The holidays aren't about push, rush, and shove. They're for friendship and sharing and family love. Hear the bells, feel the warmth, light up with the glow of a message that was sent to us so long ago. Peace. Love, good will, and a hope shining bright. Merry Christmas to all and to all. A good night.

[14:55] John Schwab: So beautifully read. And to wrap up this episode, I will also like to play the single that my son Jack wrote and sang at this event. But Jack wrote this song with me. Gosh, in 2020, the first year of lockdown of COVID, and we were asked to perform on a global Christmas concert put together by an amazing singer-songwriter, Krista Ditor. And so Jack and I wrote this and recorded it, and it went out live. It was an amazing experience. But Jack recorded it as a Christmas single this year, but also as a charity single for Allergy UK, getting all the proceeds from this song. So joining Jack is his bandmate Brad Wilmot on guitar while Jack plays mandolin and also the lovely Pamela Blair. And I think that is actually her title, the lovely Pamela Blair, because she is just lovely.

I am her biggest fan. She knows that. I've told her. You may have seen Pamela in 42nd Street in the West End, or also she was in Beauty and the Beast and the UK National Tour, and she's also been in lots of the Hoop Nannies that we've done. Now I would just like to say a big thank you as this is playing out to all the actors who read, to all of you who continue to listen to the Curtain Call Podcast. I wish you all a safe, wonderful, blessed holiday season, whether you have a religious faith or not, it doesn't matter. I'm still wishing you all that you desire. I wish you health, I wish you happiness. I love you all and wish you the best for 2024. Bye.

[16:56] ♪ Musical number: "Winter Blue" — performed by Jack Schwab ♪