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[0:00] Jonathan Cook: Hi, listeners.

[0:01] Jonathan Cook: This show is an immersive audio experience intended for adult audiences.

[0:05] Jonathan Cook: Listener discretion is advised.

[0:16] Jonathan Cook: Gathered by the Ghost Light presents Doctors and Lawyers.

[0:19] Jonathan Cook: First Edition Rules.

[0:20] Jonathan Cook: A D&D parody by David Strauss.

[0:23] Jonathan Cook: This episode is part of a new thing we're doing called the Remastered Series.

[0:27] Jonathan Cook: You see, this audio play originally released on this podcast back in 2021 during our second season.

[0:33] Jonathan Cook: So what you're about to hear is a re-edited, remixed, and remastered version of this story.

[0:40] Jonathan Cook: Now, gather around the ghost light.

[0:42] Jonathan Cook: Sit back and enjoy.

[0:43] Jonathan Cook: This is Doctors and Lawyers.

[0:45] Jonathan Cook: First Edition Rules.

[0:50] Robb Smith: Ah, yes.

[0:52] Robb Smith: Today is a day for a fabulous quest.

[0:54] Robb Smith: When my compatriots arrive, we shall truly undertake a journey that will be spoken of, nay, sung about for generations to come.

[1:04] Robb Smith: And all the stout, it is I, Araldon the Brave.

[1:08] Robb Smith: I have come to join in your quest.

[1:10] Robb Smith: Allow me to enter, or I shall tear the door from its...

[1:10] Jonathan Cook: All right, all right, Araldon.

[1:18] Jonathan Cook: Hold your stallions.

[1:18] Jonathan Cook: I'm coming.

[1:18] Jonathan Cook: My door was just repaired from the last time you joined me on a quest.

[1:25] Robb Smith: It is I, Araldon the Brave.

[1:28] Jonathan Cook: Yes, yes, I know.

[1:29] Jonathan Cook: You are, you know, banging on my door.

[1:32] Robb Smith: I have come to join you on your quest.

[1:36] Jonathan Cook: Are we ready to begin?

[1:38] Jonathan Cook: Not yet, not yet.

[1:39] Jonathan Cook: We're still waiting on two others.

[1:41] Robb Smith: Who will be joining us?

[1:43] Jonathan Cook: Mirian, the wizard, will be bringing her magics to our party.

[1:48] Robb Smith: Mirian.

[1:49] Jonathan Cook: Yes.

[1:50] Jonathan Cook: This is not good news.

[1:53] Robb Smith: I assure you she has come a long way since the demon fiasco of Saraconis.

[1:58] Jonathan Cook: I should hope so.

[1:59] Jonathan Cook: I still chafe on hot days.

[2:02] Robb Smith: Yes.

[2:03] Robb Smith: She will be a valued member of our group.

[2:05] Jonathan Cook: And who is the fourth?

[2:07] Robb Smith: Mirian brings a new adventurer to our quest, a cunning thief named Keterakoth Ulillanon.

[2:15] Jonathan Cook: Who?

[2:15] Robb Smith: Keterakoth Ulillanon.

[2:19] Jonathan Cook: I shall not be repeating that.

[2:21] Robb Smith: Understood.

[2:25] Nicole Swanson: Behold, it is I, Mirian the Wizard.

[2:28] Jonathan Cook: Must you always make such an entrance?

[2:32] Nicole Swanson: Ah, Araldon, my old friend.

[2:35] Nicole Swanson: How's the chafing these days?

[2:39] Robb Smith: Come on, men.

[2:43] Robb Smith: Enough!

[2:44] Robb Smith: Put your weapons and your spells away.

[2:46] Robb Smith: We have come here for our quest.

[2:50] Jonathan Cook: Good.

[2:51] Jonathan Cook: Thank you.

[2:52] Jonathan Cook: Now, Mirian, I see you've brought along another adventurer to join us.

[2:57] Nicole Swanson: Please introduce your friend.

[2:59] Nicole Swanson: This is Keterakoth Ulillanon the thief, Dark Heron Sword Hand.

[3:04] Nicole Swanson: Also known as Dark Heron the Rogue, Lady Dark Heron, Lady Sword Hand, Lady Dark Heron's Sword Hand the Rogue, Lady Dark Heron Sword Hand, much smiling, Dark Heron's sword hand the fence, and also Katie.

[3:17] Brie Hayes: Katie.

[3:18] Brie Hayes: It saves time whenever I leave my Griffin with the valet.

[3:22] Jonathan Cook: Now, are we all ready to begin our quest?

[3:24] All: Oh, yes!

[3:26] Brie Hayes: Absolutely.

[3:26] All: Ready.

[3:27] Jonathan Cook: Then welcome.

[3:29] Jonathan Cook: For tonight, we will be playing Doctors and Lawyers.

[3:33] Jonathan Cook: First Edition Rules, of course.

[3:34] Robb Smith: Oh huh.

[3:35] Robb Smith: Ooh, a new quest.

[3:37] Jonathan Cook: Tonight, we will be visiting a fantastical imaginary world populated by such creatures as insurance adjusters, malpractice lawyers, corporate headhunters, HR specialists, and dental hygienists.

[3:57] Brie Hayes: What is a lawyer?

[4:01] Robb Smith: Oh, my new friend.

[4:03] Robb Smith: You will find out.

[4:04] Robb Smith: Nobody forgets their first battle with a lawyer.

[4:08] Jonathan Cook: Tonight, we will be playing a new adventure.

[4:11] Jonathan Cook: It's called the Fourteenth Floor Human Resources Department.

[4:17] All: Ooh.

[4:19] Jonathan Cook: Now, Katie, seeing as you're new, you will need to create a character.

[4:24] Jonathan Cook: We all have different characters we play in Doctors and Lawyers.

[4:28] Brie Hayes: What's yours?

[4:30] Jonathan Cook: I am your guide for this evening's quest.

[4:33] Jonathan Cook: My character is Leroy Jenkins, 17th level VP of Sales.

[4:39] Brie Hayes: How do I do that?

[4:41] Jonathan Cook: You need to roll these dice to figure out who your character is.

[4:46] Jonathan Cook: I'll help you.

[4:47] Jonathan Cook: First, you need a character name.

[4:50] Brie Hayes: I can name them anything I want.

[4:52] Jonathan Cook: Well, this is a fantasy world, so you wouldn't want to give them an everyday name like Homania or Celillion.

[5:00] Brie Hayes: Hmm.

[5:02] Brie Hayes: I don't know what to call them.

[5:04] Jonathan Cook: Oh, I have a blank character sheet you could use as a starter.

[5:08] Jonathan Cook: Her name is Mildred Smith.

[5:12] Brie Hayes: Mildred Smith.

[5:14] Brie Hayes: I like it.

[5:15] Brie Hayes: It's so exotic.

[5:18] Jonathan Cook: Okay, then, Mildred Smith.

[5:20] Jonathan Cook: Let's find out more about your character.

[5:23] Jonathan Cook: Roll of the dice.

[5:25] Brie Hayes: 13.

[5:26] Jonathan Cook: Oh, okay.

[5:28] Jonathan Cook: Your credit rating is 712.

[5:30] Brie Hayes: Is that good?

[5:32] Jonathan Cook: Depends on if you're looking to rent or own.

[5:34] Jonathan Cook: I recommend renting it first.

[5:37] Jonathan Cook: You don't need to build up equity at your level.

[5:40] Jonathan Cook: Now, let's find out about your current salary.

[5:45] Jonathan Cook: Okay, that would be 32,000.

[5:48] Jonathan Cook: Now, roll again for debt.

[5:52] Brie Hayes: Oh, that's an unlucky roll.

[5:55] Brie Hayes: Looks like you have 88,000 in student loans.

[5:59] Brie Hayes: Shouldn't have gone to SCAD.

[6:01] Jonathan Cook: Oh, that liberal arts degree isn't going to help at all.

[6:05] Jonathan Cook: Okay, now roll for charisma.

[6:09] Brie Hayes: Oh, look at that.

[6:10] Brie Hayes: You have your own podcast and 1,700 followers on Twitter.

[6:15] Jonathan Cook: I recommend you start a Tumblr.

[6:17] Jonathan Cook: That will really help you if we ever enter a Starbucks during our quest.

[6:21] Jonathan Cook: Now, roll for hit points.

[6:24] Brie Hayes: Oh, looks like you have high blood pressure.

[6:27] Jonathan Cook: Make sure to watch your cholesterol.

[6:30] Jonathan Cook: I will remind you to stay away from the Cinnabons.

[6:34] Jonathan Cook: Now you need a costume.

[6:36] Brie Hayes: I always wear plate mail.

[6:38] Jonathan Cook: No, no, no.

[6:39] Jonathan Cook: In our fantasy world, you must wear a suit.

[6:44] Brie Hayes: Hmm.

[6:45] Brie Hayes: What's this character wearing in the drawing?

[6:48] Brie Hayes: I want one of these...

[6:52] Jonathan Cook: An Armani on 32K a year.

[6:55] Jonathan Cook: Oh, not likely, my friend.

[6:57] Jonathan Cook: 32K what?

[6:58] Brie Hayes: What is a K?

[6:59] Jonathan Cook: $32,000 dollars.

[7:02] Brie Hayes: What is a dollar?

[7:03] Jonathan Cook: Like a gold piece?

[7:04] Jonathan Cook: Sort of.

[7:05] Jonathan Cook: Although every time we play, they're worth a little less.

[7:09] Jonathan Cook: And finally, choose your skill.

[7:12] Brie Hayes: I will be an actuary.

[7:15] Jonathan Cook: Oh, excellent choice.

[7:17] Jonathan Cook: If you're going to kill us of boredom.

[7:19] Brie Hayes: Fine.

[7:20] Brie Hayes: I'll choose an accountant.

[7:21] Jonathan Cook: What do you have?

[7:22] Brie Hayes: My character is Mark, the needlessly flatulent, a 15th level commercial realtor.

[7:28] Nicole Swanson: Mirian, which character are you playing with this time?

[7:31] Nicole Swanson: I will be playing my level 17 executive assistant, Elaine the Liar, daughter of Herbert, the not relevant.

[7:40] Jonathan Cook: And I'll be playing this time using my plus four Android instead of the plus one iPhone 4.

[7:47] Jonathan Cook: I got tired of the battery dying every time we play.

[7:50] Jonathan Cook: And the plus three smugness of my iPhone never seems to help.

[7:54] Jonathan Cook: Okay, our party is complete.

[7:56] Jonathan Cook: Let us begin.

[7:59] Jonathan Cook: Welcome all.

[8:01] Jonathan Cook: I am Leroy Jenkins, VP of Sales.

[8:04] Jonathan Cook: Right now, you're all standing on a crowded sidewalk outside of the offices of our company.

[8:11] Jonathan Cook: Wickets Incorporated.

[8:13] Jonathan Cook: Other employees pass by you through the entrance of the company.

[8:18] Jonathan Cook: A 20-story tower of glass and steel in front of you.

[8:22] Jonathan Cook: Up at the top, the offices of the CEO, Wilson the Arrogant, await.

[8:29] Jonathan Cook: But nobody under the level of senior VP has ever entered it.

[8:33] Jonathan Cook: Legend has it that the boss.

[8:35] Robb Smith: Is he a dark sorcerer?

[8:37] Jonathan Cook: No, a Protestant.

[8:39] Robb Smith: Legend has it that he has in his office an all-powerful set of documents that will approve any vacation requests.

[8:48] Brie Hayes: Oh my goddess.

[8:50] Robb Smith: You have all decided that you want next Friday off to attend the Nickelback concert in a nearby city. As a team, your goal is to get to the top floor, find the boss's office, sneak in, get the vacation requests, and then submit them to the HR department.

[9:08] Robb Smith: All right, let's do this. As the three of you stand by the entrance, a young woman with red hair approaches you and asks for ten dollars.

[9:18] Robb Smith: Katie, as our newest team member, you go first. What do you do?

[9:22] Nicole Swanson: I don't know. How do I play? Do I kill Orldon and use his blood to summon a Husgard demon?

[9:30] Robb Smith: Hi! No, no, put your dagger away. For this quest, you tell me what you want to do, and I roll the dice.

[9:38] Nicole Swanson: Oh, okay. Should I kill the red-haired woman?

[9:42] Robb Smith: No. I don't understand this stupid game.

[9:45] Robb Smith: Okay, okay. The woman says she is asking for donations to help the homeless. She says that only ten dollars would help feed and house someone for a day.

[9:55] Robb Smith: Inventory. You're carrying your wallet. The wallet has two dollars, ten cents, and an unused condom. The woman again asks for a donation.

[10:05] Nicole Swanson: I convince her that I can offer her a great place to build a homeless shelter. I use my plus four voice of arrogance.

[10:14] Robb Smith: The woman is terrified as you begin talking, then slowly backs away and retreats across the sidewalk. Now that's why I'm a 15th-level commercial realtor. Booya!

[10:27] Nicole Swanson: Miriam, your move.

[10:28] Brie Hayes: I lead us all into the lobby.

[10:30] Robb Smith: You enter the lobby. It is 25 feet tall and full of glass artwork and framed paintings from former company CEOs on the wall. The security guard stands next to his desk between you and the elevators to the upper floors.

[10:46] Brie Hayes: I walk towards the elevators.

[10:48] Robb Smith: He stops you and demands to see your employee ID.

[10:53] Robb Smith: Inventory. You're carrying a ludicrously hot cup of Starbucks coffee and your purse. Your purse has $17, three credit cards, two debit cards, a key that you have no remembrance of, two cards to Hilton hotel rooms, four business cards from the vegan recipe meetup you attended the night before, a driver's license, nine receipts that you have not yet submitted for reimbursement, a phone charger, jump drive, memory card reader, earbud headphones, pin light, container of mace, bottles of Advil, Midol, and Tums, wet wipes, Kleenex, small hairbrush, hair ties, breath mints, dental floss, lipstick, lip gloss, lip bulb, two packs of gum, one sugarless, face powder, hand lotion, bobby pins, a day planner, and your employee ID.

[11:36] Nicole Swanson: I thought there was no magic in this world.

[11:38] Robb Smith: There is none.

[11:40] Nicole Swanson: There's no way she could fit all of that in a what did you call it?

[11:44] Robb Smith: Uh, a purse.

[11:46] Robb Smith: She is also a ninth-level mom. They have special abilities.

[11:50] Nicole Swanson: I take out the employee ID and show it to the guard.

[11:54] Robb Smith: He waves you by, Katie.

[11:57] Brie Hayes: I also tried to pass the security guard.

[11:59] Robb Smith: Barring you from passing, he says, I don't recognize you. You must be new.

[12:05] Nicole Swanson: I distract the guard.

[12:06] Robb Smith: How?

[12:07] Nicole Swanson: I have breasts, don't I?

[12:10] Robb Smith: Oh, yes, very well. You have successfully distracted the security guard with your breasts.

[12:18] Robb Smith: And he lets you pass.

[12:19] Nicole Swanson: Hey. This game is so sexist.

[12:22] Brie Hayes: Ugh. Pillaging culture.

[12:23] Nicole Swanson: Ain't no thing. I don't have my ID, do I?

[12:26] Robb Smith: You left it at Mirian's during the adventure of the too many tequilas.

[12:32] Nicole Swanson: I attempt to sneak past the security guard.

[12:37] Robb Smith: Oh, a three. That's not good. The guard whacks you in the wrist with his nightstick.

[12:42] Robb Smith: He does seven damage. Plus three since he's been, you know, working out. Your wrist is rapidly turning a shade of purple.

[12:51] Robb Smith: He approaches you and is about to hit you again.

[12:53] Nicole Swanson: Woo! I use my breasts again!

[12:56] Robb Smith: Alrighty. Well, you have successfully used your breasts to distract the guard again.

[13:02] Robb Smith: Quick! Let's get him into the elevators.

[13:05] Nicole Swanson: I grab Mark and shove him into the elevator.

[13:08] Robb Smith: You get him into the elevator without further injury.

[13:11] Nicole Swanson: Can I join them?

[13:13] Robb Smith: The security guard slips you his number and tells you he gets off at five.

[13:18] Robb Smith: Then you run and get into the elevator just as it closes. Your offices are all on the third floor, but just as you push the button, you notice an unpleasant aroma in the elevator car.

[13:31] Nicole Swanson: Mark!

[13:32] Robb Smith: The needlessly flatulent.

[13:35] Nicole Swanson: I'm sorry. My character does that when he's stressed.

[13:37] Robb Smith: You all get off on the third floor. The company's health office is down the hall. Your wrist is severely bruised, Mark.

[13:45] Nicole Swanson: Mirian, uh I mean Elaine. Use a spell of healing.

[13:49] Robb Smith: I can't do that, remember? No magic.

[13:52] Nicole Swanson: Oh, this game is stupid! I need to go to the uh um uh what is it called?

[13:58] Robb Smith: A doctor to the health office.

[14:01] Robb Smith: Oh, unfortunately, your HMO won't cover it. I told you to upgrade your deductible.

[14:07] Nicole Swanson: Damn it! Don't I have some um a leave in my purse?

[14:13] Nicole Swanson: I give Mark some a leave. The swelling starts to go down a little.

[14:19] Robb Smith: We need to get up to the top floor. Does Mildred have any special skills?

[14:23] Robb Smith: Let's see. She has.

[14:29] Robb Smith: I told you to take out the garbage and to take your sister to the pit of ultimate despair before your little friends came over. If you can't act like a grown-up, I won't let you play that stupid game.

[14:43] Nicole Swanson: Yes, mom.

[14:45] Robb Smith: Don't yes, mom me. Take out the garbage now, or I'll ask your friends to leave.

[14:53] Nicole Swanson: Um, sorry, guys. We have to take a break.

[14:57] All: No problem.

[14:58] Nicole Swanson: Yeah, I probably have to go soon anyway. My mom will destroy the whole kingdom if I don't have my homework done by the time she gets home from the hell dimension of Ascanoff.

[15:08] Brie Hayes: I should probably get going too. My dad is making my favorite meal.

[15:12] Brie Hayes: Spaghetti. Lots of halflings.

[15:16] Robb Smith: Oh, Miriam. You just want to quit because you know your level 17 executive assistant totally wants to go on a date with my level 15 commercial realtor.

[15:27] Nicole Swanson: Oh my goddess, she so does not.

[15:29] Robb Smith: She totally does.

[15:30] Nicole Swanson: Does not for such a barbarian tool.

[15:34] Robb Smith: Take that back.

[15:34] Nicole Swanson: All right, come on. If I don't take my sister to the pits, I'll be grounded for a week. We can pick the game up tomorrow. I should be getting the new expansion pack.

[15:43] Robb Smith: The staplers of accounting. I hear it's really amazing.

[15:49] Robb Smith: Seriously. Guys, I mean it. That was Doctors and Lawyers, First Edition Rules. A D&D parody written by David Strauss.

[16:04] Robb Smith: Starring Rob Smith as Xandor, Brandon Brune as Eraldon the Brave, Nicole Swanson as Marianne the Wizard, Brie Hayes as Katie, and me, Jonathan Cook, as Xandor's mom. Directed by Sound Design and Editing by Jonathan Cook.

[16:19] Robb Smith: Title music provided by composer JK/47 with additional featured music by Kyle Preston and Josh Tarp. Thank you all for listening and if you enjoy what we do, go out there and do all the things.

[16:31] Robb Smith: Subscribe to our channel, like and comment on our social media posts, and you can also rate this podcast on your favorite platform. And as always, stay safe. We'll see you next time we gather by the ghost light.

[16:47] ♪ Musical number: "Demon in the Bottle" — performed by Jonathan Cook ♪