This transcript was automatically generated and might contain errors.

[0:10] Jonathan Cook: All right, welcome back to Gather by the Ghost Light.

[0:17] Devon McSherry: I'm Devon McSherry, the Tweedledee to his Tweedledum.

[0:20] Jonathan Cook: Uh today is the launch of our seventh season.

[0:24] Devon McSherry: That's right, we are seven years in on this thing.

[0:27] Jonathan Cook: Yeah, it takes two hands.

[0:28] Devon McSherry: Two hands to hold up that many numbers.

[0:30] Jonathan Cook: That's crazy.

[0:31] Devon McSherry: Uh, but what's also crazy is the timing of the news we got today.

[0:35] Jonathan Cook: We got some great news.

[0:36] Devon McSherry: Tell them what it is.

[0:37] Jonathan Cook: It's true. We were just notified that three of our audio productions were chosen as finalists for the Colorado Webfest.

[0:43] Devon McSherry: Yeah, those three productions are Romeo and Her Sister, Needles, and Doctors and Lawyers First Edition Rules.

[0:49] Jonathan Cook: If you haven't heard those episodes, go check them out.

[0:52] Devon McSherry: Oh, Romeo and Her Sister was actually a limited series that we released earlier this year. It's on its own podcast. Go uh find it, follow it, and listen to it, because it's freaking awesome.

[1:01] Jonathan Cook: Heck yeah. And we will actually be at the Colorado Web Fest in Boulder on June 13th. So come check out some audio drama.

[1:07] Devon McSherry: That's right, come hang with us and see if uh maybe we win some awards.

[1:12] Jonathan Cook: Yes. But first, today we are going to present you with a comedy called Snacks, Drugs, and the SEXUAL APPETITES of the Gays by Steve Martin.

[1:20] Devon McSherry: You are about to meet two newlywed husbands who finally get a moment alone on their wedding night.

[1:26] Jonathan Cook: Or so they thought.

[1:45] Devon McSherry: This is Snacks, Drugs, and the SEXUAL APPETITES of the Gays.

[1:50] Jonathan Cook: Written by Steve Martin.

[1:58] Aiden: I've been waiting all day for this. Dressing up, driving to the church, saying vows, exchanging rings, you can kiss the groom. Having you to myself. The photographs, driving to the reception. Your brother's lousy toast. First dance, second dance. Getting away from it all. Getting away from your parents. All the food, all the what?

[2:25] Jake: Oh, you know how they always are. Hovering around.

[2:30] Aiden: Well, they paid for everything.

[2:34] Jake: So.

[2:35] Aiden: I'm sorry.

[2:36] Jake: You're right. They're very generous.

[2:40] Aiden: Yes, they are. But no more talk about anyone else. There's only one person I'm thinking of now.

[2:49] Jake: Me?

[2:49] Aiden: Mm-hmm.

[2:51] Jake: Well, don't I feel special?

[2:54] Aiden: And now I'm going to make you feel special. Happy wedding night to you.

[3:01] Jake: Happy wedding night to you.

[3:08] Aiden: Ooh. Happy wedding night, Mr. Anthropolis Pescator.

[3:16] Jake: Yeah. Happy wedding night to you.

[3:23] Aiden: Aww. Wonderful. I learned that just for you.

[3:30] Jake: I don't get the reference, and I don't care.

[3:33] Aiden: Come here.

[3:35] Jake: It's Marilyn Monroe, the Ducing President Kennedy.

[3:38] Aiden: You need to be breathier, Aiden.

[3:41] Cathleen: Mom!

[3:42] Cathleen: Mrs. Anthropolis?

[3:44] Cathleen: Happy birthday, Mr. President.

[3:50] Jake: Your father loves when I do that.

[3:53] Cathleen: Do you like the boxers, Jake? Now you've got something blue. Don't worry, they aren't old or borrowed.

[4:01] Jake: Mom, get out!

[4:03] Cathleen: He always says that when I interrupt him in flagrante delicto.

[4:07] Aiden: Oh, and I see Marilyn worked.

[4:10] Cathleen: Mrs. Anthropolis, please. It's been a long day, and Aiden and I want to rest.

[4:19] Cathleen: Why are you tired? You're young. Are you sick? Do you have a fever?

[4:25] Aiden: I'm not sick.

[4:26] Cathleen: It must be your blood sugar. You ate nothing all night. You're going to wear yourself out.

[4:33] Aiden: No, Mom, I'm not hungry.

[4:35] Cathleen: I have just the thing. It's a snackle box. You know, like a tackle box with snacks. Patty Durkster saw this on Food Networks. Mary makes it easy. I have loaded it with sweet and salty treats. Tell me what you want.

[4:56] Jake: He isn't hungry, Mrs. Anthropolis.

[4:59] Cathleen: I think I know my own son. I've got M&Ms, potato chips, even Twinkies.

[5:06] Aiden: Twinkies is an offensive term, Kathleen.

[5:10] Cathleen: The gays prefer Fems. Isn't that right, son?

[5:13] Jake: Dad!

[5:14] Cathleen: Mr. Anthropolis? Not that my son is a femme. Remember that other term?

[5:21] Jake: Hmm.

[5:22] Cathleen: Uh Otter.

[5:26] Aiden: Trim.

[5:27] Cathleen: Defined build. A little hairy. Playful. But they must not like swimming or slip and slides.

[5:34] Aiden: Water sports was its own category.

[5:37] Jake: This is a nightmare. Pinch me.

[5:40] Aiden: Ow. Why are you here? It's Aiden's big night.

[5:43] Cathleen: We've always been there for him. Throwing birthday parties. Chaperoning class trips. Standing up to teachers. Standing up to coaches. Earning Boy Scout merit badges. Completing homework and doing it right. Math, history. Drivers, Ed Fizz Ed. We've always supported our little man. Even tonight, when he's preparing to lose his virginity.

[6:10] Jake: Um He would have failed Sex Ed without us. He wanted to put his pee-bee in such odd places.

[6:18] Cathleen: I think the gays prefer the term cock, dear. Isn't that right, boys?

[6:23] Aiden: Ugh cock. That makes me think of roosters, which makes me think of foghorn leghorn.

[6:28] Jake: The uh uh that's all folks.

[6:31] Cathleen: Mom, that's porcupig.

[6:33] Jake: Don't contradict your mother.

[6:35] Cathleen: Ugh pork! We're doing this for you, you know? Your first time should be special.

[6:42] Aiden: And since it won't make a baby, you might as well have fun.

[6:47] Cathleen: And you did almost fail, sex ed, in spite of how much you masturbated gallons, Jake.

[6:54] Jake: Gallons!

[6:56] Aiden: I am praying for a St. Cole to swallow the hotel.

[6:59] Cathleen: Pray harder. Your mother and I conducted research to make sure you're prepared for every possibility.

[7:05] Aiden: You didn't have to.

[7:06] Cathleen: I Oh, what else was I going to do with all my time? Knit baby booties for the dozens of grandchildren you're going to give me?

[7:21] Aiden: Ouch.

[7:23] Cathleen: Anyway, we conducted research.

[7:27] Aiden: How?

[7:28] Cathleen: Don't tell us. We looked at all the gay pornography we could find. Books. Magazines. Internet. There was a surprising amount of pornography for the gays.

[7:39] Cathleen: We learned all we could. And we're going to pass it on to you, son. I've compiled it all in this binder.

[7:48] Cathleen: It's color coded. I know you're a visual learner. But first, are you a top or a bottom?

[7:58] Aiden: Where did you learn those words?

[8:00] Jake: They're everywhere, Jake. Pornhub, The Porn Dude, Porn.com, Porn Geek, Porn Mate, Porn MD, The Lord of Porn, X Hamster, X Videos, X and X's, Red Tube, Spark Bang, and Saturday Night Live.

[8:14] Aiden: So, top or bottom.

[8:16] Cathleen: Now, Kathleen, don't pressure the boy.

[8:20] Jake: Maybe he's neither.

[8:22] Aiden: Maybe he's a side.

[8:24] Cathleen: Please know.

[8:25] Aiden: What's a side?

[8:26] Jake: Aidan, don't say a word.

[8:28] Cathleen: A side doesn't like to baste the inside of a turkey.

[8:34] Aiden: Or have the inside of his turkey baste it.

[8:38] Merle: Dad?

[8:39] Cathleen: You're ruining Thanksgiving.

[8:41] Aiden: They prefer to kiss or cuddle.

[8:44] Merle: They like.

[8:46] Jake: Uh mutual masturbation, frottage, rimming, pit play, kink play, muscle worship, docking, if they're uncut.

[8:55] Merle: Activities that don't require basting.

[8:59] Cathleen: If you mean penetration, then basting is the wrong word.

[9:04] Aiden: Basting means to pour liquid over meat to keep it moist.

[9:09] Jake: A better choice would be packing the turkey's cavity with stuffing.

[9:17] Merle: But isn't that fisting?

[9:18] Cathleen: What is happening?

[9:20] Aiden: How did you learn all this?

[9:22] Jake: I conducted online interviews.

[9:24] Aiden: There's a very popular website called gay.us.

[9:28] Jake: Some very nice gays and even some bi guys shared information.

[9:31] Merle: Bless their little pink hearts.

[9:33] Jake: You wouldn't believe how many responded when I wrote that I was a married man looking to help my son.

[9:40] Aiden: There was Bam Bam and JJX Dad Stallion, BDGF and RSJM, Harry and Wet, Jack Hammer 47, Liked Rough, Hard Starter, Muscle Man360, Hockey Brat, Jock to Pervert, Curious Jock, all of them like BBC.

[9:57] Merle: I didn't know British TV was so popular.

[10:01] Jake: Uh Redneck Skater, uh, not so straight by Married Guy Bulk and by Dad Hung Speedo Dad, Head for Men, Tex Cattleman, uh Muscle Controlled, Park Pig, Extreme Pig 666, I Love Older Men, Cowboy for You, No Gag, and Small Pouch.

[10:23] Cathleen: You can have pride no matter your size, son.

[10:26] Aiden: What was your username, Mr. Anthropolis?

[10:30] Jake: I said already. Married dad for son.

[10:37] Merle: You should have that cough checked out, Jake.

[10:40] Cathleen: I'll take care of him.

[10:41] Merle: What a good boy.

[10:43] Cathleen: But let's take care of you now.

[10:49] Merle: Well, we got another extra surprise for you in that box.

[10:54] Cathleen: Do you need snacks?

[10:56] Aiden: No, Mom.

[10:57] Cathleen: How about Viagra?

[11:00] Merle: You know, the little blue pill? Keeps me hard as timber, boys.

[11:04] Aiden: It works! I nearly dislocated my jaw.

[11:08] Jake: Mom, I don't want pills for sex.

[11:10] Aiden: I don't need them.

[11:12] Aiden: And I don't trust them.

[11:14] Cathleen: But I've wrapped one in a fruit roll-up.

[11:18] Merle: Your favorite. Jolly Rancher green apple.

[11:23] Aiden: Aww.

[11:25] Cathleen: I've also got some cannabis gummies, if that'll get you in the mood.

[11:28] Aiden: Mom!

[11:29] Cathleen: Son, please don't be mad. We just want your first time to be special.

[11:34] Merle: Losing your virginity is well, it's cliché, but true. You never forget your first.

[11:46] Jake: You really should see a doctor about that cough, Jake.

[11:49] Aiden: I'm sorry. I really am, but Aidan is not a virgin.

[11:54] Aiden: He does not need you to make this night special with snacks or drugs or research into the sexual appetites of the gays.

[12:01] Merle: The strip tease and singing work nicely.

[12:05] Aiden: Thank you. But no more. Please let us enjoy our wedding night alone.

[12:12] Merle: Not a virgin!

[12:15] Aiden: No.

[12:18] Merle: Son. Have you basted.

[12:20] Aiden: Dad?

[12:24] Merle: Sorry. Packed?

[12:27] Aiden: Dad!

[12:28] Merle: Sorry. Sorry.

[12:29] Cathleen: Well, our little man doesn't need us anymore, Merle.

[12:33] Merle: I am surprised. I am hurt. I wish I had known this before we haggled with Days Inn for 30% off the rooms for the wedding party.

[12:44] Cathleen: He's a grown man, dear, but he'll always be our boy.

[12:48] Merle: And I'll always be your father.

[12:50] Aiden: Thanks, Dad.

[12:52] Merle: And he's got a great man in his life whom I'll love like a son.

[12:55] Cathleen: Oh, I hope you'll also call me Dad.

[12:58] Aiden: Not a chance.

[12:59] Merle: There's nothing to do then. Except leave.

[13:04] Cathleen: So they can enjoy their wedding night.

[13:10] Merle: Good night.

[13:12] Cathleen: Good night.

[13:13] Aiden: Good night.

[13:16] Aiden: Hey, Mom. Can you leave the snackle box?

[13:22] Aiden: I probably could have something to eat.

[13:26] Cathleen: Of course.

[13:30] Merle: Good night.

[13:32] Cathleen: Good night.

[13:33] Aiden: Good night.

[13:36] Aiden: Dad. Could you leave the research?

[13:41] Aiden: I'm not a virgin, but that doesn't mean that I can't learn something new.

[13:46] Merle: Of course.

[13:50] Cathleen: Good night.

[13:51] Merle: Good night.

[13:53] Aiden: Uh can I have fifty bucks?

[13:57] Merle: Here's a hundred. Keep it.

[14:00] Aiden: Oh. Thanks, Dad.

[14:03] Jake: Hover. They hover so much.

[14:10] Aiden: Which isn't always a bad thing.

[14:14] Cathleen: You are deleting your account from that website tonight.

[14:18] Aiden: Oh, way ahead of you.

[14:22] Jake: Finally. They're gone.

[14:26] Aiden: Come here, baby Jakey.

[14:29] Andy Middleton: Grandma.

[14:39] Andy Middleton: Just a little bit.

[14:42] Jonathan Cook: This has been a Gather by the Ghost Light original audio production produced by Jonathan Cook and Devon McSherry.

[14:48] Jonathan Cook: Today's story, Snacks, Drugs, and the SEXUAL APPETITES of the Gays was written by Steve Martin.

[14:53] Jonathan Cook: Woo-hoo! And it was performed by Wesley Pierson, Rico Wayland, Carle McClary, Blake McGee, and Andy Middleton.

[15:00] Jonathan Cook: Heck yeah, directed by Lillie DeLecuona.

[15:02] Jonathan Cook: Oh yes, sound design and editing by Jonathan Cook.

[15:05] Jonathan Cook: Yeah, yeah, title music by JK/47.

[15:07] Jonathan Cook: Cover art by the amazing Anna Romano.

[15:10] Jonathan Cook: This program is funded in part by the South Carolina Arts Commission, which receives support from the National Endowment for the Arts.

[15:17] Jonathan Cook: As always, stay safe, and we'll see you next time we gather by the Ghost Light.

[15:21] Aiden: You're seven by Bay. Woohoo!

[15:54] Aiden: Damn. I mean it literally like just stopped.

[15:57] Aiden: It literally just played the whole thing like a minute ago.