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[0:09] Jonathan Cook: All right, welcome back to Gather by the Ghost Light.

[0:16] Devon McSherry: I'm Devon McSherry, the sweet to his salty.

[0:19] Jonathan Cook: Oh my gosh. Thank you all for joining us. We have a wonderful audio play for you today. But first, uh, we got some things, some things coming up this month that we'd like to share with you before we uh before we get into all that.

[0:30] Devon McSherry: It's true. This coming weekend, we are actually going to be at the Arts and the Heart Festival in Augusta, Georgia. It is a three-day festival that celebrates the art and diverse cultures of Augusta, Georgia. So we will have a table at that event.

[0:44] Jonathan Cook: And come check it out, say hi, check our merch and our scripts, and you might even get to try our Stage Frights hot sauce.

[0:51] Devon McSherry: Oh, spicy. Or if you just want to stop by and talk about voice acting, audio dramas, uh, you talk about how to get involved with us with Gather by the Ghost Light, all that good stuff.

[1:00] Jonathan Cook: Uh, the event is this weekend, September 19th through the 21st. And then the weekend after that, uh, we will be at the New Jersey Webfest.

[1:09] Devon McSherry: And we're really excited about this because an audio play that we produced earlier this year called The Other Me was nominated for six awards.

[1:18] Jonathan Cook: Heck yeah. So if you haven't heard that episode yet, go check it out. And that one was actually written by this guy right here.

[1:23] Devon McSherry: And it stars Laura Bailey and Kari Payton. And then coming up after that, we'll be going full throttle into our next live event, which is our second annual stage for rights.

[1:34] Jonathan Cook: That event will be October 11th in Augusta, Georgia, at Le Chat Noir Theater. And that live event will be the next episode on the podcast.

[1:42] Devon McSherry: All right. I think that uh I think that covers everything.

[1:45] Jonathan Cook: I think so. Uh, let's let's dive into what you're here for. The audio play you're about to hear is called Such Dreams as STUFF is Made On, and was written by Dan McGeehan.

[1:54] Devon McSherry: Now, this play was most recently performed in the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, and uh, we are gonna present it to you today. You are about to meet an upscale couple that just arrived home from a dinner party to realize that their house was broken into.

[2:07] Jonathan Cook: But upon inspection, they realize that nothing was actually stolen. Maybe their valuables were not as valuable as they thought. Now, gather around the ghost light. Sit back and enjoy. This is such dreams as stuff is made on.

[2:21] Jonathan Cook: Written by Dan McGee.

[2:27] Mary Beth Westbrook: Did you check?

[2:28] TJ Reissner: Tucker Honey, did you check the basement?

[2:31] Mary Beth Westbrook: Yes, Poppy. Everything is fine.

[2:33] TJ Reissner: And the wine?

[2:36] Mary Beth Westbrook: I checked that first. The racks are untouched. Even the 61 Malot we purchased last year, thank goodness.

[2:44] TJ Reissner: We should call the police. This is just like the McKenzie's last year. Remember? Cece and Jason were robbed just like this.

[2:52] Mary Beth Westbrook: Broken window, muddy footprints all over, and all sorts of stuff taken. The lucky bastards were the talk of the town for weeks.

[3:00] TJ Reissner: Stupid TV people couldn't get enough of them. We should call the police.

[3:03] Mary Beth Westbrook: You should take a quick look up in the attic. Just to be thorough. I'll look here.

[3:07] TJ Reissner: Good idea. We should really call the police.

[3:10] Mary Beth Westbrook: Hold on, let me get my phone.

[3:13] TJ Reissner: Cheryl!

[3:14] Mary Beth Westbrook: It was a lovely party. We couldn't talk about anything else on the way home. You do know how to throw the best get togethers.

[3:21] TJ Reissner: What's that?

[3:23] Mary Beth Westbrook: Oh my, did I? Well, I must have placed it down when I was talking to Cece and Jason McKenzie, then just forgot about it. You know how I am.

[3:31] TJ Reissner: Could you be a deer and hold on to it until the tennis club next Thursday? I'll pick it up then.

[3:37] Mary Beth Westbrook: That is, of course, unless Cece has already snatched it up for herself. She's always had an eye for my things, the little wannabe.

[3:44] TJ Reissner: Oh! Speaking of Cece, you'll never guess what happened.

[3:49] Mary Beth Westbrook: Well, believe it or not, but we've been robbed.

[3:53] TJ Reissner: Yes. Broke in through the front window. There's glass and footprints all over the floor. It'll take Maria forever to clean it up.

[4:01] Mary Beth Westbrook: I know. It's just like the McKenzie's.

[4:04] TJ Reissner: Well, not exactly. These guys here seem more like professionals. They really knew quality stuff when they saw it.

[4:12] Mary Beth Westbrook: Uh what did they take?

[4:14] TJ Reissner: Uh well, all the best stuff, that's for sure.

[4:17] Mary Beth Westbrook: I can't believe it.

[4:18] TJ Reissner: Oh, sorry, Cheryl. Gotta run. We'll talk later. See you Thursday. Bye.

[4:24] Mary Beth Westbrook: Well, what's the damage?

[4:26] TJ Reissner: Nothing.

[4:27] Mary Beth Westbrook: No, no, I mean what's been stolen?

[4:30] TJ Reissner: That's just it. Nothing.

[4:31] Mary Beth Westbrook: Nothing.

[4:33] TJ Reissner: Nothing.

[4:34] Mary Beth Westbrook: The Chinese vase?

[4:35] TJ Reissner: No.

[4:36] Mary Beth Westbrook: The sword collection.

[4:37] TJ Reissner: No.

[4:38] Mary Beth Westbrook: The landscape painting?

[4:39] TJ Reissner: No.

[4:41] Mary Beth Westbrook: No. What about the No!

[4:43] TJ Reissner: Nothing at all?

[4:44] Mary Beth Westbrook: At all.

[4:48] TJ Reissner: What's wrong with our stuff? I mean, we have good stuff, right?

[4:53] Mary Beth Westbrook: The best. Why wouldn't anybody want to steal our stuff?

[4:56] TJ Reissner: We've got great stuff to steal. Some of our stuff could be in museums.

[5:01] Mary Beth Westbrook: I mean, this place should be all torn up and emptied out. Somebody could be making a mint right now at some pawn shop with our stuff.

[5:07] TJ Reissner: Instead, it's all still here. Untouched. Unspoiled. Unwanted. What's wrong with our stuff?

[5:17] Mary Beth Westbrook: Why wouldn't thieves want it? Talk about the ultimate snub. If it ever got out that robbers turned their noses up, that we Oh no.

[5:26] TJ Reissner: I already mentioned it to Cheryl on the phone.

[5:28] Mary Beth Westbrook: We just can't have a police report to verify it.

[5:31] TJ Reissner: Whatever you do, don't call the police.

[5:33] Mary Beth Westbrook: Oops.

[5:34] TJ Reissner: Already have.

[5:38] Mary Beth Westbrook: They said they won't be here for a while. Something about burglaries being low priority tonight.

[5:43] TJ Reissner: That's so insulting.

[5:45] Mary Beth Westbrook: Tucker, you have to call them back. Tell them it wasn't you, say somebody else called.

[5:50] TJ Reissner: Somebody else? Who?

[5:52] Mary Beth Westbrook: The cat?

[5:53] TJ Reissner: No, no, they aren't going to fall for that again.

[5:55] Mary Beth Westbrook: What? Oh, this is so embarrassing. The McKenzies are going to have a field day when they find out.

[6:01] TJ Reissner: Now hold on. Let's calm down and focus. Remember my ad campaign for the AdLebec Corporation?

[6:07] Mary Beth Westbrook: Remember the slogan?

[6:09] TJ Reissner: Come on, it was on all the billboards. Don't think hard.

[6:12] Mary Beth Westbrook: Think smart.

[6:16] TJ Reissner: That's what we have to do here. Think smart.

[6:20] Mary Beth Westbrook: Think smart.

[6:22] TJ Reissner: Think smart.

[6:24] Mary Beth Westbrook: Now, what can we do to turn this situation more to our advantage?

[6:29] TJ Reissner: We can, um we can uh oh! We can mess up the place ourselves so when the police show up, it'll look like somebody tried to burglarize us.

[6:37] Mary Beth Westbrook: Set the scene, that's great. Then we can say we scared them off before they took all our stuff.

[6:43] TJ Reissner: That's thinking smart.

[6:46] Mary Beth Westbrook: Okay, we really need to ransack this place.

[6:49] TJ Reissner: I'm on it. Okay, I'll take the cushions and I'll put them there, and I'll take the lamp and I'll put it on its side.

[6:54] Mary Beth Westbrook: Careful! Don't break it.

[6:56] TJ Reissner: I'm not. What else? What else?

[6:58] Mary Beth Westbrook: Ooh, all that mail. Throw it all over the place.

[7:00] TJ Reissner: Oh, good idea.

[7:03] Mary Beth Westbrook: Nice. I think that'll do.

[7:07] TJ Reissner: The police?

[7:09] Mary Beth Westbrook: That was fast. Guess we'll wing it from here.

[7:11] TJ Reissner: Okay. Get on the couch and start crying.

[7:14] Mary Beth Westbrook: What kind of crying?

[7:16] TJ Reissner: Is it the May didn't dust the China collection again?

[7:20] Mary Beth Westbrook: Kind of crying, or the Lexus dealership didn't have my shade of blue, kind of crying.

[7:24] TJ Reissner: Aunt Jeanette didn't name you in her will, kind of crying.

[7:29] Mary Beth Westbrook: That's it.

[7:31] TJ Reissner: Come in.

[7:33] Mary Beth Westbrook: The door's unlocked.

[7:34] TJ Reissner: Come in.

[7:36] Mary Beth Westbrook: There, there, don't cry, it's all over now.

[7:39] TJ Reissner: Oh, officer. It was awful. We had a lovely evening far, far away from home, only to come back and find the window all smashed.

[7:48] Jonathan Cook: And an army of angry miscarents, hell bent on robbing us blind.

[7:52] TJ Reissner: They were big and mean.

[7:54] Jonathan Cook: But when I rolled up my sleeves and showed them my pronounced biceps.

[7:58] TJ Reissner: He's been working out.

[8:00] Jonathan Cook: Thank you.

[8:01] Jonathan Cook: Those cowardly deviants turned tail and I.

[8:05] Jackson Sample: Who the hell are you?

[8:06] Jonathan Cook: Uh, evening.

[8:07] Jackson Sample: Who, what's going on?

[8:09] Jonathan Cook: Uh, well, uh, we're the ones responsible for your window. Uh, I'm Chip and this here, Sparky.

[8:16] Jackson Sample: Hi.

[8:16] Jonathan Cook: Uh, hi.

[8:18] Jackson Sample: Hi, uh, nice to meet you.

[8:20] Jonathan Cook: Uh, um, well.

[8:23] Jonathan Cook: This is awkward. Um, look, we're real sorry about the window. And we want to make it up to you. Uh, we, uh, oh well we didn't make this mess.

[8:33] Jackson Sample: No, we did.

[8:34] Jonathan Cook: I mean it, what do you want anyway?

[8:37] Jackson Sample: Well, like I said, uh, we want to make it up to you. Uh, yeah, Sparky and I, we broke in and uh we did case the joint, but we thought, uh, gee, we can't do this to these people. I mean, look at this stuff. You're practically as bad off as we are.

[8:52] Jonathan Cook: So, uh, we went back to the hideout and we spoke to some of the guys, and, uh, well, we took up a collection. We were able to round up $37.

[9:01] Jackson Sample: And 50 cents.

[9:02] Jonathan Cook: We want you to have it.

[9:04] Jackson Sample: In Jesus' name.

[9:05] Mary Beth Westbrook: First of all, your opinion of our possessions is meaningless. And second, $37.

[9:11] Jackson Sample: And 50 cents.

[9:12] Mary Beth Westbrook: And 50 cents is an insult, I'll have you know. This house is filled with the finest antiques and artwork. They're worth a heck of a lot more than $37.

[9:22] Jackson Sample: And 50 cents.

[9:23] Jonathan Cook: Oh, shut up!

[9:25] Jackson Sample: Look, lady, I don't want to brag or nothing, but, uh, we're the ones who broke into the McKinsey's house last year. Uh, you know the McKinseys, uh, CC and Jason.

[9:34] Mary Beth Westbrook: Yes, yes, we know them.

[9:35] Jackson Sample: Uh, oh, good people. Real salt of the earth. Anyway, uh, we knocked over their house last year, and I can tell you they had far better stuff than you have. I mean, yikes, look at this place. I think you need the money more than we do.

[9:50] Mary Beth Westbrook: Get out!

[9:51] Jackson Sample: Oh, I admit I'm no connoisseur, but, uh, my PU meter is clicking off the chart right now. It's bad enough that you smashed my window, but I'll be damned if I let you insult my sofa.

[10:03] Mary Beth Westbrook: Out!

[10:04] Jackson Sample: Alright, alright, we're going. It's not our fault the McKinsey's had better stuff than you. At least that's what the guys in the hideout say.

[10:12] Jonathan Cook: Come on, Sparky.

[10:13] Mary Beth Westbrook: Wait, wait, wait. Are you saying you two discuss this with others already?

[10:17] Jackson Sample: Well, not discussed, per se. Uh, more like a little, uh, backroom chatter among available gang members. Uh, we won't hold a formal meeting with the whole group till the weekend, and then, well, it's all cards on the table. And from there, well, who knows where that information goes?

[10:34] Jonathan Cook: Let's go, Sparky.

[10:36] Mary Beth Westbrook: Now, just wait a minute. Um, Poppy, Confab, please. This situation is quickly getting out of hand. If these guys and their associates start talking indiscriminately, we're going to be the laughing stock of the city.

[10:51] TJ Reissner: You're right. The McKinsey's will never let us live it down.

[10:54] Mary Beth Westbrook: What do we do?

[10:55] TJ Reissner: We've got to come up with a plan. And fast. Remember. Don't think hard. Think smart.

[11:03] Mary Beth Westbrook: Right. Okay. How's this? We overpower them with a series of precise and highly effective karate maneuvers that render them unconscious. Then we can have them neatly trussed up for the police when they eventually arrive. Instead of being victims, we'll be heroes. Superheroes, even, on the evening news.

[11:20] TJ Reissner: Tucker, that's brilliant! I didn't know you knew karate.

[11:24] Jonathan Cook: Well, I don't. I was kind of hoping you did.

[11:27] Mary Beth Westbrook: Oh dear.

[11:29] Jonathan Cook: If I may offer a suggestion.

[11:32] Mary Beth Westbrook: You might as well. We've got nothing. We're pretty low stupors. We wouldn't be opposed to a bribe. You know, to keep our mouth shut.

[11:40] Jackson Sample: What kind of bribe?

[11:42] Mary Beth Westbrook: Hmm. Make us an offer.

[11:44] TJ Reissner: Alright. Um, what about, uh, these throw pillows?

[11:49] Jackson Sample: Hey, Sparky, I believe this is your area of expertismo.

[11:53] Jackson Sample: Alright. Let's see. Let me get my glasses and my book. Let's see, let's see. Throw pillows, throw pillows. Ah, here we are. With those, we'll keep quiet for the next 15 minutes.

[12:07] Mary Beth Westbrook: Fifteen minutes? That's it. How about forever?

[12:11] Jackson Sample: Well, for that, you're gonna have to sweeten the pot.

[12:15] Mary Beth Westbrook: How sweet.

[12:16] Jackson Sample: Try us.

[12:17] Mary Beth Westbrook: Alright. Um, let's add in, uh, the lamp.

[12:22] Jackson Sample: Oh, now you're up to 2 a.m.

[12:24] Mary Beth Westbrook: Oh, come on. The McKinsey's had nicer lamps.

[12:27] Jackson Sample: Just saying. We have a beautiful Ching Dynasty vase upstairs.

[12:30] Jackson Sample: Very good, very good. That'll take us to next Thursday.

[12:34] Mary Beth Westbrook: That's it?

[12:35] Jackson Sample: Well, the McKinsey's had a Ming.

[12:37] Mary Beth Westbrook: Just saying. Now hold on. We're not through. We have an antique sword collection in the den.

[12:42] Jackson Sample: Mmm, that would do nicely. Plus, a beautiful 19th century English landscape painting.

[12:48] Jackson Sample: Now we're talking. That's good for a few months.

[12:50] Mary Beth Westbrook: Oh, keep it coming. You're on a roll. Poppy, you get the silverware, and I'll get the stamp collection.

[12:55] Jonathan Cook: No stay.

[12:57] Mary Beth Westbrook: Uh, okay. Oh, we've got plenty of fine wines, including a 1961 Malow, North Vineyard.

[13:04] Jackson Sample: Excellent, yeah. We'll accept that.

[13:06] Mary Beth Westbrook: Okay, okay. Stay there. Come on, Poppy.

[13:13] Jonathan Cook: Oh, he believed that. But they'll even load the truck for us. It's just like the McKenzie's.

[13:19] Jackson Sample: Ah, you see? It's like all those billboards said. Don't think high.

[13:24] Jonathan Cook: Here, please. I made you both some iced tea. We may be a while.

[13:29] Mary Beth Westbrook: How are we doing?

[13:30] Jackson Sample: Oh, you're doing great. Keep it up.

[13:33] Jonathan Cook: Good.

[13:38] Jonathan Cook: Think smart. Cheers.

[13:41] Jonathan Cook: How my dear. Bring along the cash box, will you?

[13:44] Jonathan Cook: Hang on. I'm disconnecting the jacuzzi at the moment.

[13:48] Jonathan Cook: Thank you all for tuning in, and don't forget to join us October 11th at Le Chad Noir for our second annual stage rights. It's gonna be a devil of a good time.

[13:59] Jonathan Cook: Alright, it's your turn to roll the dice.

[14:01] Jackson Sample: Oh, credits roll. Here we go.

[14:03] Jonathan Cook: Here we go. Uh, eight.

[14:05] Jackson Sample: Oh.

[14:06] Jonathan Cook: Hi-Red. Are you ready?

[14:08] Jonathan Cook: Or this has been a Gather by the Ghost Light production, produced by the Scallywags, Jonathan Cook, and Devon McSherry.

[14:16] Jonathan Cook: Today's play Such Dreams as STUFF Is Made On was written by the scurvy dog Dan McGeehan.

[14:22] Jonathan Cook: And it was performed by TJ Reissner, Mary Beth Westbrook, Jackson Sample, and Jonathan Cook.

[14:29] Jonathan Cook: Directed and edited by the landlubber Jonathan Cook.

[14:33] Jonathan Cook: Our title music by our matey, JK/47.

[14:36] Jonathan Cook: With additional featured music by Matt Evans and Josh Tarp.

[14:40] Jonathan Cook: Batten the hatches. This program is funded in part by the South Carolina Arts Commission, which receives support from the National Endowment for the Arts.

[14:48] Jonathan Cook: Stay safe and don't forget to get your booty from the Arts and the Heart Festival. And we'll see you next time.

[14:54] Jonathan Cook: We gather by the Ghost Light.

[14:58] Jonathan Cook: There's a ghost in the radio that keeps it on the pee. There's a demon in the bottle trying to drag me to my knees.

[15:06] Jonathan Cook: And I can't afford to fall apart every time we meet. Oh, there's a ghost after me.