This transcript was generated by AI and is most likely not entirely accurate.

Speaker 1: Okay, professor, you can have a seat right here. Oh, thank you. Got your water here, some lozenges. Okay. Are we live now? No, no, we aren't live now. Oh. And actually, we won't be live. This is a podcast, so it's gonna be all prerecorded, and that's a lot better, because I can cut all this junk out later. Oh. But here, here are your headphones. Throw those on. I've just got a little opening statement I'm gonna do, and then I'll point to you, and then you can take it away. How's that sound, professor? Okay, I'm ready. Okay. Here we go. Can't wait. Holidays. Each holiday that marks our year has a memorable character. Santa Claus, the Easter bunny, Cupid. There are dozens, but there is one character that no one has ever heard of. She's in the studio with me today. Her name...

Speaker 2: Hello, hello, hello. Oh, welcome. So good to be with you, everyone. And to you, my assistant, Fritz, thank you for that excellent introduction. Well... Now that you know me, dear audience... Yes. Isn't it silly that you were once so ignorant? Well, wait, hold on. Taking birthdays for granted, never saying, I wonder how all these wonderful birthdays keep happening. Santa Claus does Christmas, makes sense. But birthdays, no one does them. Oh, Professor Birthday, I haven't had a chance to introduce you yet.

Speaker 1: You haven't? No. Well, that's fine. I can introduce myself. I'm Professor Birthday. Listen to me sing. I'm Professor Birthday. Yes, I'm a genuine thing. Each holiday has a famous face that's loved by everyone. But I'm not famous, which is outrageous, because I'm the greatest one. I'm Professor Birthday. I make your wish come true. I'm Professor Birthday. My holiday's all about you. I devote my life to a world of folks who at times feel lost at sea. I give birthdays that make the Earth say it's special to be me. I'm Professor Birthday. This is my big hello. I'm Professor Birthday. Welcome to my brand-new show. I'm Professor Birthday, although no one seems to know. Professor Birthday, we're making this podcast so that we can change that. We took a survey, and zero people on Earth know who Professor Birthday is, including, I'm sure, everyone listening now.

Speaker 2: How many people are listening now? Professor, we're not live. It's a podcast. You know, I googled myself, and it is a wasteland. I wish you wouldn't do that, Professor. And then I typed in Santa Claus. Professor, I think you're upsetting yourself intentionally. Why is he so famous? He's got songs, movies, chocolates shaped like his head. Yeah, but less and less people are believing in Santa Claus these days. But they've heard of him. Nobody knows anything about me. That's why we're here, to tell them.

Speaker 1: So what do you want people to know, Professor Birthday? They're listening. They're listening now? Well, no, not right now. We're not live, remember? People are listening to me right now. Hmm. What do I want them to know about me? I don't have pets, but I'd like some soon. I get the sweats in the month of June. When I get stressed, I begin to sing. And I've been blessed with a voice that rings.

Speaker 2: Professor Birthday, those are all things that are true, and that I suppose people should know about you, maybe a few weeks after meeting. But these people are meeting you for the first time. What are the basic facts?

Speaker 1: Oh, I'm a professor of birthdays. I have my own university. All my students are always working there right along with me. If there's one thing I could tell you, if there's one thing I could say, get ready, cause here it comes. I'm Professor Birthday. It's simple, but according to the survey, that's actually what people need to hear. They don't know anything about you, including your name.

Speaker 2: I'm Professor Birthday. Good, repetition is good. I'm Professor Birthday, darn it. How about now? How many people are listening now? No one's listening now. We're just in the recording phase. I knew podcasting was a stupid idea. How did Santa Claus become so famous? Look at his Google results.

Speaker 1: Professor, that's really unhealthy to get on there like that. Get him on the phone.

Speaker 2: Get Santa? Yes. But you said you didn't want any other holiday characters on the first episode.

Speaker 1: Well, I've changed my mind. But it's really short notice.

Speaker 2: Oh, like he's busy? He works, what, one day a year? Get the red phone out of my office. It's our direct line, and just hook it up to the booth or plug it into the thing or do whatever you do with it.

Speaker 1: Oh, okay, okay. Well, while our technical staff, i.e. me, works on that, we're going to go to break, and we'll be right back with Santa Claus on the line.

Speaker 2: Look at this. He's on the cans of pop. He's on everything.

Speaker 3: Oh, hello. Santa Claus speaking.

Speaker 2: Hi, it's me.

Speaker 3: Hi, you. I didn't want to call you, but we need to talk.

Speaker 2: Yes, and this is Tooth Fairy, right?

Speaker 3: No, it isn't the Tooth Fairy. It's Professor Birthday.

Speaker 2: Oh, Professor Birthday. Don't you recognize my voice?

Speaker 3: Well, you hardly ever call.

Speaker 2: Oh, I'm sorry I'm not on the phone with you every single day, like the Tooth Fairy is, apparently.

Speaker 3: Now, stop it. You know, as I listen, your melodious voice is unmistakable.

Speaker 2: Well, thank you. All right, that's not necessary. Listen, I'm calling because I learned something recently. Are you sitting down?

Speaker 3: I'm always sitting down. Because of your holiday, which is just a couple of days, you are world famous. You know that. Meanwhile, I make birthdays every day of the year, and guess what? No one knows who I am. Are you surprised? Did you know that?

Speaker 2: I do.

Speaker 3: You do? How is it possible that no one on Earth knows me?

Speaker 2: Well, Professor, there are lots of people on Earth to know about.

Speaker 3: But I'm one of the main ones. I do birthdays. Everybody has a birthday. I help them grow up. I help them celebrate. They ought to know who I am. I ought to be famous. I ought to be the most recorded holiday hero in recorded history. Wow. I ought to be famous.

Speaker 2: Yeah, that's the key. When people talk about their birthdays, they should talk about me.

Speaker 3: That's true. I have magical powers and a master's degree. I work 24 hours, okay, maybe 23. Still, I should be famous. You know that it's true. I ought to be at least as famous as you.

Speaker 2: Professor Birthday, you have your answer right there.

Speaker 3: I do? You're too busy. You've never taken time to inspire a work of art. You know that poem about me? "'Twas the night before Christmas, it made me world famous."

Speaker 2: Oh, I'll get someone to write a poem about me.

Speaker 3: No, no, no, poems are old news. Do something modern. Get yourself on a podcast.

Speaker 2: A podcast? But this is a podcast. I'm doing a podcast right now.

Speaker 3: Exactly. What? You're recording this?

Speaker 2: Oh, Ritz. This podcast is going to make me famous. I don't give you permission to record this phone call. I'm going to be famous. I'm going to be a podcast host who has the most delectable chemistry. I'm going to be famous. You're going to see how everyone will talk about my university. For my whole career, I've worked behind the scenes. But now you can hear about what Professor Birthday means and make me famous and learn what I do. So come visit me at university in Professor Birthday Episode 2.

Speaker 1: Professor Birthday isn't famous. A podcast musical. Writing and lyrics by Eric Congale. Music and lyrics by Clark Backstresser. Starring the voice talents of Jamie Lynn Beatty, Brian Holden, and Dylan Saunders. Professor Birthday is real. Forget that part I said about voice actors. The podcast was mixed by Tomek Miernowski. Please review this podcast. Professor Birthday is trying to become famous. No one should know that better than you right now. You've just heard her sing about it. And please check out her new book of short stories, which is confusingly also called Professor Birthday Isn't Famous. Just type it in wherever. You'll find it. If you get lost, head to ProfessorBirthday.com. And thank you for listening. Professor Birthday