This transcript was generated by AI and is most likely not entirely accurate.

Speaker 1: Ah, clown is a great and a good thing to be. My clown side's my favorite side of me. My clown side is happy and silly and free. My clown side's my favorite side of me. Did I ever tell you, Fritz, that I was the original Birthday Clown? Hi, Professor Birthday. Yes, you have mentioned it before. That's my claim to fame, you know. Besides being Professor Birthday, so I have a double claim to fame. I was the original Birthday Clown. Did you know that before I just told you that? Yes, you've said it before. I innovated the art form. I was the first to put on face paint and big shoes and a red nose. Did you know that I came up with the nose? Yes. I was the first. And after me came a long line of Birthday Clowns. Full-timers now. I could never really commit fully to the art because I have other duties. But to see where these young clowns have taken it, I'm amazed. In fact, we have our own clown college here at Birthday University. Our faculty have developed Birthday Clowning into an art form. One that is beloved by every child in the world. And we have the leader of that esteemed clown college with us today. Fritz? The Professor Birthday Podcast would like to welcome the head of Birthday University Clown College, Dean Wahoozle the Schnoozler.

Speaker 2: Oh, Dean Schnoozler, thank you so much. When I think of the joy you and your clowns give to children, it brings tears to my eyes. And thank you, Professor. Oh, yours too? Dean, why are you crying like that? I'm a sad clown now. A sad clown? That's not right. Birthday Clowns are happy. Well, not anymore. Not since children got scared of us. No, no. Children aren't scared of clowns. They find them funny. I was the original. I would know. Now they call us killer clowns. A what? Killer clowns! Have you been killing children? No, no. But when they see us, they cry. I don't understand. It's these movies about clowns. They've ruined the business. What clown movies? I'm going to look this up. Oh, my God. What is that clown doing? They won't stop. They won't stop making scary movies about us. Oh, clowns don't have sharp teeth like that. No, no, no. I didn't originate any of this. None of us have been to a birthday party in years. Years? Years, Professor Birthday. Why haven't I been told about this? We didn't want to disappoint you. I am disappointed. I started this thing. Did you know that? Uh-huh. Children don't want clowns at their parties. Okay, well, who's entertaining them then? Who, if not birthday clowns? Um, um, birthday princesses.

Speaker 1: Birthday what? Princesses. Professor Birthday princesses. No, no. No, no. There is no such thing as a birthday princess. If anything, I'll tell you what, I am a birthday princess. I am the birthday princess. I agree, but they're like Disney princesses. They dress up and they go to parties. All right, hold on a second. I'm looking this up, too. So, princesses in movies fall in love, huh? But clowns kill people? All right, you know, in real life, princesses kill a lot more people than clowns do. Haven't they ever heard of a royal execution? Professor Birthday, all I know is children love princesses and they hate us! Oh! Get a hold of yourself, Dean. We can turn this clown ship around! First, I need to know what we're up against. Fritz, can we get one of these princesses to come on the show? I can try, but they're just regular people who dress up as princesses. There are no regular people who dress up as princesses. I mean, they're non-magical. We'll have to explain to them what Birthday University is. I think they'll be surprised. Oh, I got a surprise. I got a surprise for them right here. All right, we're going to go to break and I'm going to try and kidnap a birthday party princess. Fritz, Godspeed.

Speaker 2: All right, we're back in the studio. It's me, Fritz, Dean Schnuzler, and one very surprised young woman. You betcha I'm surprised and excited. All right, let me tell you just a little bit about where you are. Oh, I know where I am. This is Birthday University, and you're Professor Birthday. I can't believe it. Oh, you know me? Of course. I love the podcast. And before I even heard it, I knew someone must be in charge of birthdays. They're just so magical. They couldn't happen all by themselves. Yeah, obviously. How do people miss that? I know. I love birthday parties. Yeah, and that is why I have brought you here. Apparently, you are some kind of birthday princess? That's me, but only on the weekends. During the week, I work for a nonprofit that helps elderly people schedule in-home care. You what? I have a master's in public health. Being a birthday princess is my side business, but I really love it. I wish I could do it full time.

Speaker 1: Yeah, you've been doing it quite a lot lately. So much so that you've completely muscled out my birthday clowns. Me? No. I love clowns. At least I did as a kid. But today, kids only want birthday princesses. And why do you think that is? Do you think it might be because clown movies are scary and meanwhile, people like you are leeching off the creative work of the Walt Disney Company? I am not, uh, that company princess. I never use that company's name when I'm performing or in my marketing materials. I've got your website open right now. You're dressed up like Frozen. In that photo, I am Ice Princess. That is a non-copyrighted character. I will also become Mermaid Princess, French Beauty Princess, and Very Long Hair Princess. Oh, this isn't fair. You get to copy off of nice movies about princesses and singing and meanwhile, movies about clowns. And look, here's a list from IMDb. Most recent clown movies. We've got a murder clown, a murder clown, a killer alien murder clown, and, oh, a murder clown. That's how they're representing clowns.

Speaker 2: I agree. Whenever I saw clowns as a kid, they were happy and funny. But to tell you the truth, all those movies about bad clowns, they got to me. And now when I see clowns, I can't help it. They're kind of creepy. Oh! Everyone hates us. Oh, come on. You know movies aren't real. I know, but movies are influential. You said yourself that's why kids love princesses. It's not right that they only make bad movies about clowns. Fritz, are you thinking what I'm thinking? Do you want to make a nice movie about clowns? Exactly. Roll camera! I don't have one. The scene opens on a small French village. People are waking up and starting their day. They throw open the windows, and who do they see? Everyone's favorite member of the village. The town clown. She walks down the street singing an airy tune. I'm the clown of the town. I turn around all the frowns. Nothing I face can ever keep me down. A strong female protagonist. I beguile with my style. As I wile along the mile. I always share my big and toothy smile. The smile, the teeth in this smile are not sharp. Not like that scary picture I saw. I want to clarify that. Make sure you get a nice shot of her flat teeth, okay? I'm not filming right now.

Speaker 1: Back on the clown. She's not scary. In fact, look, look at all the faces of those French people. They love her. I trill along the hill. I thrill the people of the vill. Every time I joke with them, I kill. Kill as in the comedy sense. You know, when you tell jokes for an audience and you make them laugh so hard. It's called killing. Oh, why did I choose that word? Am I being influenced by the scary clown movies? They are scary. No, I will not be influenced. Clowns love people. This one in our movie loves every single person in town. No matter what job they have. There's the herder and the birder and... Oh, I'm just going to rhyme that with murder. Why did I start it like that? Everyone hates clowns now. I don't hate clowns. I'm just getting scared of them. Oh, clowns are scary now. I can't stop it. Clown college is cancelled. Cancel it. Close the door. It's true. No more clowns. Now I only have one claim to fame. I have an idea.

Speaker 2: Oh, yeah? You want to wreck birthday presents next? Or should we convince kids that monsters are going to pop out? No. And don't even say that. I'm sorry. It's depressing. The whole art form is dead. But that's not true. Maybe the white face paint is dead. Maybe red noses and weird bald wigs are. But the art form can live. How? How do you do clowning without clowns, huh? Because clowning is about entertaining. Being silly. Having fun. You don't need clown outfits to clown. So, what do we wear? Princess dresses? Exactly. What? And no more bald wigs. Beautiful wigs. But I love bald wigs. I can't become a princess. I'm an old clown. Yes, you can, Mr. Schnoozler. You have every princess skill. Entertaining. Singing. Applying temporary tattoos. All you need is a change of look. You want me to turn all my clowns into princesses? Yes. And who, may I ask, is going to train them? I will. And my friends. There are so many of us now, it's gotten really competitive.

Speaker 1: And if I did bring you here and allowed you to retrain them, then they would become princess clowns? If that's what you want me to call them, sure. They would look and act exactly like princesses and nothing like clowns, but they'd have that clowning spirit. They'd be princess clowns? And because I am the original birthday clown and the long line of birthday clowns that came after me eventually led to the beloved princess clown, well, then wouldn't you say that I am the original princess clown? Actually, Professor Birthday, I wouldn't. What? If you invited me and my friends here to Birthday University to live and work with you, you would not be a princess. I wouldn't? You would be a queen. Clown queen. You'd possess all the best of the world you knew. Clown queen. Now the power of princesses comes to you. Clown queen, you are a star. Clown queen, I know you are. Clown queen, make it come true. Clown queen, what will you do?

Speaker 2: It seems I have a decision to make here. I either do nothing, watching my birthday clowns wither away while a bunch of generic princesses take all the work, or I bring it in house, rebuild, corner the market again and become Clown queen. Did you know it was me the first birthday clown? Clown queen. Now I'm trading my shoes for an evening gown. Clown queen, I will amaze. Clown queen, swimming in praise. Clown queen, once we were fools. Clown queen, now we wear jewels. Get your princess sisters in here. I want everyone in the whole Facebook marketplace and someone's going to need to tell those elderly people you've been helping they need to arrange their own in-home care from now on. You're coming aboard full time. How wonderful. Thank you for listening everyone. Now we have work to do. Clown queen. Clown queen. Clown queen. Clown queen. Clown queen. Clown queen. Professor Birthday Isn't Famous. A podcast musical. Writing and lyrics by Eric Conger. Music and lyrics by Clark Backstresser. Starring the voice talents of Jamie Lynn Beatty, Brian Holden, Brian Rosenthal, and Lauren Lopez. The podcast was mixed by Tomek Miernowski. Do you like Professor Birthday? Do you want her to come visit you at your school, birthday party, or roller coaster theme park? Go to ProfessorBirthday.com to request an in-person or virtual visit. It's interactive, there's live music, it's a whole thing. Besides that, you know what to do by now. Please write a review, check out the book, and please, no matter what you do next, keep listening.