This transcript was generated by AI and is most likely not entirely accurate.

Speaker 1: Okay. Set us up, Fritz. Set us up. Set up the recording? We're recording. No, not the recording. Set up the story, Fritz. The story. What we were just talking about. What I just said we should make a podcast about. Well, we were talking, and, um, I didn't think we were recording today, so I'm not really prepared. Just set up the story. You don't need to be prepared. Well, it's not really a story. We were talking about collecting, and how you and I both really like collecting birthday coupons. Birthday coupons, that's our topic today. Okay, you just wanted to sing. Birthday coupons, that's our topic, hooray. It's my favorite thing that little children do. They write promises down and they gift them to you. Their mom, their dad, their grandma, too. What a lovely display. That's why birthday coupons are our topic today. Now everyone listening knows what a birthday coupon is. But what you didn't know is that here at Birthday University, we collect them. It's one of the rare birthday items that we really don't have anything to do with. They're made by kids. Oh, and they're so cute. Oh, they make these little coupons for vacuuming and doing dishes. That's such a kid thing. You know, they don't have money to buy gifts, so they think of what they can do for a present. It's really fascinating to see what they come up with. And a lot of these little coupons, they never get cashed in. Yeah, the parents, for whatever reason, they forget about it. Or they don't want to cash them in, or I don't know. Because who wants a five-year-old bringing you breakfast in bed? That could be messy. But if they go unused and forgotten about, well, then technically they become a lost birthday gift. And because of the way things work out, lost birthday gifts all return to Birthday University. So we just get thousands of these coupons coming through the doors every day. Oh, and the collector's market is hot. A lot of it is trash, it's true. But rare pieces are in high demand. The prices can be eye-watering. Yeah, my best piece, I just picked it up for a pretty penny. It has a rare misspelling of mom, M-O-M, with the M's upside down, so it says, Wow, that makes it valuable. And my best piece was made by a four-year-old, former U.S. President Barack Obama. It promises one back rub. Wow, what a cool piece. And you know what's fun about that one? She can actually get the back rub. Yeah, I have checked with numerous birthday lawyers on this. When a coupon isn't made out to a specific person, like mom or dad, then whoever holds this coupon has the right to cash it in. Do you ever think about doing it? No, I've got this back-scratcher thing. And besides, this is much more valuable to me as a collector's item. Yeah, that's true. My professor birthday has so many cool coupons by celebrities. Yeah, celebrities were all kids once. They all made birthday coupons. And I've got more. You want to see my top shelf? Oh, I'd love to. Okay, here we go. Mint condition. Birthday coupon created in 2001 by a then four-year-old Kylie Jenner. It says, make my bed. Another life coupon. I could cash this one in right now. You could get Kylie Jenner to make her own bed. Yeah, and obviously I don't care about that. But it's interesting that I have the ability. There's power in these coupons. Look at this. My Justin Bieber. Written when he was six years old. It says, walk the dog. Is that a dance move or... I think he means walk the family dog. No, it's a dance. I remember. Okay. And here's one from Taylor Swift. Oh, I love her music. Look at what I've got. From when she was three years old. She made a beautiful coupon. And it just says, any chore. Oh, isn't that cute? Any chore? And it's funny because when I think about chores, that's like taking out the trash or doing dishes. A three-year-old can't do that stuff. Probably that's why this was never cashed in. Well, you could cash it in. This is mint condition. This is worth more than Taylor Swift taking out my trash. As cool as that would be. Dictionary.com says that chore is a routine task, especially a household one. Okay. But there is a second definition. Chore, an unpleasant but necessary task. An unpleasant but necessary task? That's what it says. Okay. That's open-ended. A chore could be any unpleasant but necessary task? That's what it seems like. Wait. So with this coupon, I can get 11-time Grammy winner Taylor Swift to do any unpleasant but necessary task for me? I think so. Wow. Let's cut. We need to talk. Oh, wow. Oh, wow. Oh, there she is. Yep. You just sit down anywhere. Make yourself at home. Yep. Those are your headphones. Uh-huh. There you go. Oh, I can't believe it. Look at this. We've got Taylor Swift. Taylor Swift is with us in the studio. Good morning, Miami. How's everyone doing? Yes. I am sure Miami is good. How are you, Taylor? I'm good. Back on the road, playing music with my friends, meeting fans. Yes, the Swifties. I'm one of them. Wow. So where have you been playing? Last night was Atlanta. Before that, New Orleans. And tonight's Miami. Oh. Are there tickets available? Because I would love to go. We're sold out. But we gave the station tickets for you guys in a giveaway on the radio. Wow. We're not a radio station. This is a podcast studio. Oh, but this is 105 Miami, right? My morning radio interview. Yes, you were in fact just about to enter the studio of 105 Miami's morning radio show, but you did not enter. You were magicked here by us. You magicked me. Magical teleportation. It's very useful for throwing every birthday party around the world. So where am I? Birthday University. And what is that? It's a magical place where everything birthday is planned, shaped, and delivered. I am in charge. My name is Professor Birthday, and I am very honored to meet you. So you're like Santa Claus. Santa is like me. And this place is like the North Pole. Much more interesting than the North Pole. Look around. This is way more fun than morning radio. Oh, I'm so relieved you said that. You are the second person we magicked here, and I'm always worried people will feel kidnapped. I can leave if I want to, though, right? Well... Of course. Of course you can leave, Taylor Swift. Just say the word and you are back in Miami. Okay, if that's the case, I think I can hang out for a bit. Oh, wonderful. Would you mind if I interviewed you? Oh, you're way more interesting than I am. Oh, I agree. But you have millions of fans, including myself, and all of us have just one question. What's that? Is bad blood really about Katy Perry? Because I read that you were good friends, and then she stole your backup dancers and completely derailed your tour, and as far as I... Professor, I don't talk about that. Okay, so that's a yes. As a Taylor and Katy fan, oh, no, I'm torn. You can like us both. Oh, I do. I do. I don't have much time for music, but whenever your songs play at a birthday, I always stop and listen for at least one second. One second? Have you ever heard a full song? Cumulatively, yes. In one-second increments that I've been reconstructed in my mind. And if I'm doing it correctly, I love your work. Thank you. If you're in such a rush, how come you're stopping to talk to me? Well, I didn't used to have any time, but now I'm making time for myself, and I'm focusing on what's actually important. Oh, and what's that? My publicity campaign. Your publicity? Something you know everything about. You are a master. Yeah, publicity isn't something I think about a lot. But that's how you got famous. That's why you were about to do Miami 105. Publicity is stuff I have to do to get my songs heard. If I didn't need to do it, I wouldn't. But we all need to do it. Isn't that just the way? You don't need to do it. Everybody already loves birthday parties. They're popular. But I'm not known. If the whole world knew my music, but no one had ever heard the name Taylor Swift, I'd say, hallelujah. Taylor! If I could make my music heard and have my privacy, I'd have the best life. I envy you. No. Imagine getting hounded by the press. With pleasure! You know, you can't go anywhere without being recognized. Oh, stop. No, and everyone criticizes you no matter what you do. But isn't that what... Shake it off, shake it off. I mean, isn't that what that song is all about? I mean, if I'm reconstructing it correctly. It is, but that's sad. The bad side of fame got into my music. If you get famous, Professor Birthday, you don't know what'll happen. Birthdays themselves might change. Oh! Things will be complicated. People might go to birthday parties and think, is this theming about her last relationship a subtle reference to her feud with Santa Claus? You have a feud with Santa Claus? Wouldn't you like to know? More like Taylor Swift and Katy Perry. Okay. Best friends or worst enemies? I don't know. Well, good luck, but I don't agree. You should find fulfillment in what you do. You don't think I should get famous? No. So, if forced, say, to help me get famous, that would be unpleasant for you? I guess so. Why are we talking about forcing me to do anything? That would be unpleasant. Uh-huh. Even though, for my emotional well-being, getting famous is necessary. If you say so. It would be unpleasant, but necessary, to help me get famous. Well, I think it's time for me to go. Can I just show you something real quick? You'll be interested. It's from your childhood. It's a birthday present that you made. I think you made it for your mom, but it doesn't have her name on it. Something I made for my mom? How do you have it? There is a gravity here at Birthday University. Lost gifts just find their way to us. It's all very magical. I'd love to see that. Well, here it is. Oh, wow. I remember making this. I made these all the time. Birthday coupons for my mom. Yes, but this one, if you see here, it's very open-ended. It promises any chore. Now, Fritz, what is the definition that we found for chore? An unpleasant but necessary task. Yes. And because you, Taylor Swift, created it, this coupon is good to be cashed in to you, compelling you to perform any unpleasant but necessary task for me. That's a joke. It's not. It's a legal contract. And unless you want an army of birthday lawyers coming down upon you, you should honor it. I have my own lawyers, Professor Birthday. Lots of them. Is that true? I'm looking it up now, and it does seem that, yes, Taylor Swift has her own lawyers. Okay, but before you make that decision, hold this. You made this promise. I am asking you to keep it. I am cashing it in with you because I need help. Does that mean anything to you? What's the chore? Something to make me famous. Okay, but what? Um, I honestly, I haven't thought this far. How about an Instagram post? Oh, yes. You have followers. Take a picture of me and put it on your Instagram. You want me to promote you on my Instagram. That's the kind of thing Diapepsy would make me do. Okay, and what's your idea? I'm Taylor Swift, Professor. I'm a songwriter. That's why I'm famous. Oh, that's right. You could write a song about me. If I have to. Well, you do. I'm cashing in the coupon, and this is your chore. Write a song about me. And when I do, you'll send me back to Miami. You have a deal. Okay. Write a song about me by Taylor Swift. Okay, so... What are you writing down there? Just some lyric ideas. Oh. Care to consult? I'm a bit of a songstress myself. Okay. I'm good. Now, sometimes this happens really quickly. Other times, I have to kind of think about this one. She's writing a song about me. Do you have a guitar? Yes. Uh-huh. Yeah, we do. Fritz, get this woman a guitar. Yes, Ms. Swift. Right away. Thank you, little guy. Oh, you're welcome, Ms. Swift. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Oh, nice chords. Are you thinking of using those chords? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Okay. Okay. Yeah, we got a song here. Oh, my goodness. Are we ready to record? Yes, yes. Let's lower the lights, give her a mood. Lights are low. Mike is live. Like a nice warm blanket your grandma made That feeling in your pocket when you just got paid She's real Knows how you want to feel Like hand-packed ice cream with double scoops A big roller coaster with loopsy loops And she knows what you want to be Put your hands up, lift her with praise Sing a song that thanks her in a million ways Raise your voice up, cry out in song Learn new words and sing along Undiscovered, but you're gonna love her This unsung wonder of the world She's undercover, but no one's above her This unsung wonder of the world Of the world That was beautiful. It made me cry. I was bawling through the whole thing. Thank you. I love it. I love it. I'm glad. But, Taylor, that song wasn't about me. Professor Birthday, it was all about you. You didn't say my name. Not once. Professor, this song is just as much about you As Bad Blood is about Katy Perry. Oh, okay. I see what you did. You got me on a technicality. And while I do love being in the same category as Katy Perry, The unnamed subject of a Taylor Swift song, It's obvious that you just don't want me to be famous. What I want, Professor, is for you to feel fulfilled by your work. Fame and fulfillment are not the same thing. It seems like you're trying to teach me a lesson on my own podcast. It's a lesson I learned the hard way. It's been good getting to know you, Professor Birthday, And you too, Little Booth Man. I need to go back to my radio interview now. Will you let me go? Yes, of course. It's been a pleasure, Taylor. Thank you for honoring the coupon. Fritz, do the magic. Goodbye, Taylor Swift. Have a safe trip. You're welcome. And goodbye. That Taylor is one smart cookie. She is. I should be happy that I love the work I do. I don't need to be famous to find satisfaction. No, you don't. And you shouldn't need it. She's right. It's a good lesson to have learned. But wouldn't you say, Fritz, That learning a lesson is a bit different than applying it to your life? Yeah, I guess so. So maybe I've learned this valuable lesson From one of today's greatest songwriters About how I don't need fame to feel fulfilled. Yes. But, stay with me, It doesn't fully sink in for me Until a little later when, because of this podcast, I am world famous. And by then, I'll be famous And have the knowledge that being famous isn't everything. Wouldn't that be great? Yeah, but couldn't you just focus on accepting that right now? What if I could, Fritz? What if I could? But I really have a strong feeling That I want to be famous. Hmm. And I've got a song about me by Taylor Swift That almost gets me there. All I need to do Is a little wickety-wickety remix. A-a what? Just teeny-tiny changes. Would you mind, Fritz, Playing it back for me? Okay. Hit it, DJ. I'm Professor Birthday. No guessing what my name is. T. Swift's on my podcast. I'm gonna be famous. Yes, Taylor Swift was here and wrote me a song. Soon the whole wide world will be singing along. Undiscovered. That's me. Gonna have you. Professor B. Undiscovered. Professor is the greatest. Gonna be famous. Undiscovered. I'm Professor Birthday. Undiscovered. Professor Birthday. Undiscovered. Don't forget I'm Professor Birthday. Now I'm attached to every T. Swift playlist. Playing with the A-list. Making me famous. Doesn't even matter if she thinks it's wrong. I'm the featured artist on a Taylor Swift song. Thanks for listening. That's our season. We hope we're coming back for more. Five episodes, not a lot. But it took us all we got. Next season we'll just shoot for four. We'll shoot for four. Four seems more manageable. Thank you for listening to our free podcast, everyone. Hopefully we will eventually have things that you can buy. Is everything going to be free? Just given away for free? This is the end of our first season. As Professor Birthday said, these five episodes took a long time to make. But we want to make more. If you can help us promote or grow the world of Professor Birthday, that would be amazing. Visit ProfessorBirthday.com and check out our book. Maybe we'll have some merch up there and some videos. We have an album of all these amazing songs by Clark Backstressor and performed by Jamie Lynn Beatty, Brian Holden, Jamie Burns, and Lauren Lopez available to stream. It's a whole thing, and we just want to keep it going. But honestly, it is so wonderful finally having an audience. Thank you so much for listening.