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[0:05] Jess: Merry Christmas, patrons. This is cutting it real down to the wire as far as Christmas Patreon episodes go, not gonna lie.

[0:15] Andrew: Oh, you know, they'll get it before Christmas though.

[0:17] Jess: Yeah, it'll be before Christmas, but it'll be like right before Christmas.

[0:21] Andrew: That's when they want it.

[0:22] Jess: That's their gift.

[0:23] Andrew: Yeah, Merry Christmas. You ever get one of those gifts that says do not open until Christmas?

[0:26] Jess: This is that.

[0:27] Andrew: Yeah. Um, I did put up a nice little post explaining the situations of our personal stuff and why December wasn't nearly as full as we had wanted it to be.

[0:36] Jess: Because we did. We remembered a lot of stuff. Was a nightmare.

[0:40] Andrew: December was rough.

[0:41] Jess: Yeah, December was a nightmare. Uh, like I mean, we can always give them a nice Janny Uary.

[0:46] Andrew: We could do another Janny Uary type thing.

[0:49] Jess: That would be a lot of fun. We'll think of things. We could just do anything and call it Janny Uwery anyways.

[0:56] Andrew: We could do um, there are more Annies, Andrew.

[0:58] Jess: There are still films we haven't done commentaries on.

[1:01] Andrew: How many more Annies can there possibly be?

[1:03] Jess: Oh, Annie is very popular, Andrew.

[1:06] Andrew: But we're not talking about Annie today.

[1:07] Jess: Andrew, I want to wish you the merriest of merry Christmas. You're a great friend, a great co-host. So instead of like putting you through like the NBC Muppets Christmas monstrosity, which is very bad.

[1:21] Andrew: And we'll do that next week.

[1:22] Jess: Next year.

[1:23] Andrew: Next year.

[1:24] Jess: Not next week. Not next week. Not next week. Next year. Um, I decided to show you one of my favorite Muppet things ever. Like this is one of my favorite Muppet Christmas specials or Muppet anything, really.

[1:35] Andrew: And uh Muppet I like it as well.

[1:38] Jess: Muppet Family Christmas.

[1:39] Andrew: I've never even heard of this, but it's like the Jim Henson power hour, you know.

[1:44] Jess: The gym this is Muppet Endgame.

[1:46] Andrew: It kind of is. Like they build up all the Muppet universes, and then we actually get them all together.

[1:52] Jess: I it really is like it's not even just like the Muppet and all the Muppet. It's like the Sesame Streets. We got the Fraggles.

[1:58] Andrew: Yeah, I mean, it is a lot of the Muppet too, though. Like, they did get a pretty large portion of the cast.

[2:05] Jess: Um, I love all the stuff with Sesame Street and the Fraggles, too, though. Even though I've never watched an episode of Fraggle Rock.

[2:11] Andrew: No, no, neither have I.

[2:13] Jess: I've heard about it. It's like more emotional based than like education-based. It's like they took the idea of Sesame Street where it's like, let's teach kids a thing, and then they upgraded it to be like, let's teach them about their emotions and how they should feel.

[2:26] Andrew: You know, that can be a good thing to teach kids, because it's difficult to know how to feel sometimes.

[2:31] Jess: I mean, I haven't felt an emotion in about five years, and I worry I'm a sociopath.

[2:36] Andrew: Jess doesn't feel emotions. That's why he likes musical theater so much.

[2:40] Jess: Yeah, that's how I express my emotions. That's the only way I can do it. I also don't have emotions.

[2:46] Andrew: Neither one of us have emotions. That's why we're so successful.

[2:50] Jess: Emotionless sacks. The only way you can get a successful podcast in our current system is to be completely emotionless and dehumanized.

[2:58] Andrew: Just look at Joe Rogan.

[2:59] Jess: Yeah, Joe Rogan is basically an angry robot.

[3:03] Andrew: I wouldn't call him angry though, he doesn't have emotions.

[3:05] Jess: He's just a robot.

[3:07] Andrew: He's a robot that does DMT or whatever he does.

[3:09] Jess: Okay, let me say this. He's a robot that has the angry inflection only.

[3:14] Andrew: Yeah, it's like they programmed his voice to sound angry.

[3:17] Jess: Exactly. Like almost like Alex Jones.

[3:19] Andrew: Yeah, but Alex Jones has emotions. He doesn't want the frogs turning gay.

[3:23] Jess: Speaking of frogs, Kermit the Frog is in this, Andrew.

[3:25] Andrew: Kermit the Frog!

[3:26] Jess: And he's this is like the closest, like because this was after the Muppet Show ended, like properly.

[3:31] Andrew: Yeah.

[3:32] Jess: And this was just kind of, hey, let's do a victory lap of everyone coming together. And this is the closest it's felt like the Muppet Show post-Muppet show.

[3:39] Andrew: So what's the plot of a Muppet Family Christmas, Andrew?

[3:41] Andrew: Alright, they're all going to Fozzie's grandma's house, if I got that right, or Fozzie's mom's house.

[3:47] Jess: Okay, I can't tell if it's his mom or his grandma. I don't know how old Fozzie is. Because remember, in Muppet Christmas Carol, it's not Fozziewig, it's Fozzie Wig and Ma's.

[3:55] Andrew: Ah.

[3:56] Jess: Okay. So it's Fozzie's mother's house. And she just lives with some guy. I don't really know who that is.

[4:01] Andrew: Uh is that Fozzie's dad?

[4:04] Jess: The human?

[4:05] Andrew: Yeah.

[4:05] Jess: No, he was coming out there for a vacation. He's the guy from Fraggle Rock.

[4:09] Andrew: He's the Oh.

[4:11] Jess: See, I've never seen Fraggle Rock, so I didn't know.

[4:14] Andrew: Jess, that was so important. Unless you saw Ant-Man, you weren't gonna understand how important it was that he found his daughter older.

[4:20] Jess: Yeah, and you actually had you had to watch the spin-off of the uh the rat Marvel rat movie where they show the rat that's gonna push the button.

[4:29] Andrew: It's rat tatouy.

[4:30] Jess: That was the Marvel rat.

[4:31] Andrew: Yeah, Stretatouie.

[4:32] Jess: Retatouille.

[4:33] Andrew: That's Remy.

[4:33] Jess: Remy presses the button to free Ant-Man.

[4:35] Andrew: Remy the ratatouille, the rat of all of our dreams.

[4:38] Jess: That's true. Okay. So they're going to Fozzie's mom's house, and the guy from Fraggle Rock is there on vacation, and they're all there for uh for Christmas, and Miss Piggy is out in the snowstorm shopping or something.

[4:52] Andrew: Um, no no, she was getting a photo shoot done. Because remember there's that great gag where they throw a fake leg up so it looks like she kicks.

[5:02] Jess: Oh my, there's a lot of good stuff in this. This is like top tier Muppet. This and you can't really buy the full version of this anywhere. It's mostly out of print, which is a shame.

[5:12] Andrew: Which makes me wonder where you found it.

[5:14] Jess: On YouTube.

[5:15] Andrew: Which means that all of the people here can watch it.

[5:17] Jess: Yes, everyone can watch it right now. Everyone can just go watch this. I mean they shouldn't, because they should pay for a legally obtained copy.

[5:25] Andrew: No.

[5:26] Jess: No, steal it.

[5:26] Andrew: Steal it.

[5:27] Jess: Steal it. I always steal it. Well, I've always the only pro bootleg show on the internet, but uh if you're not pro bootleg, then I I don't even know what to tell you.

[5:37] Andrew: Sorry that you don't like poor people to see Broadway shows.

[5:40] Jess: Alright. Or Muppet shows, apparently. Especially ones that are out of print and you can't find anywhere.

[5:45] Andrew: Yeah, Disney. Buy up all the Muppet shit.

[5:48] Jess: I know like nine different companies made Muppet materials, but come on, my dude.

[5:52] Andrew: Walton's.

[5:52] Jess: Well Disney won't even put all their Disney won't even put all their own stuff up on Disney Plus.

[5:56] Andrew: How the fuck am I supposed to watch House of Mouse now if you don't put on Disney Plus?

[6:00] Jess: It's ridiculous.

[6:01] Andrew: It's ridiculous.

[6:02] Jess: So Miss Piggy's at a photo shoot and she's trying to come home, but there's a big blizzard and Kermit is so worried that she's not gonna make it home. Um, and then really the plot is kind of non-existent from there.

[6:14] Andrew: It's all vignettes, which is very Muppet.

[6:17] Jess: That's kind of what they do.

[6:18] Andrew: Right.

[6:21] Jess: Oh, there's the dogs. That's the Fraggle Rock dog downstairs.

[6:25] Andrew: He's gonna kill them fraggles.

[6:31] Jess: You know what? It's Christmas. Leave the dogs in.

[6:34] Andrew: Um, it's not because I'm too busy and have no time to edit this. Leave the dogs in.

[6:40] Jess: It's Christmas. I so oh yeah, okay. One of the vignettes is um the Swedish chef wants to make a Christmas dinner.

[6:48] Andrew: Out of Big Bird wants he wants to make it out of Big Bird.

[6:51] Jess: Which is which the Sesame Street gang just shows up. They just they just are there. Who knows why? They walked there from Manhattan.

[7:00] Andrew: But we don't know how to get to Sesame Street, so.

[7:03] Jess: They apparently they know or that or they're they got kicked out and they're they're never finding their way back.

[7:08] Andrew: They got out new cued, um homeless.

[7:10] Jess: Yeah. But the whole Sesame Street gang shows up and Big Bird is gonna get made into uh the cheeky dinner.

[7:19] Andrew: Chicky dinner.

[7:24] Jess: Um I love the Swedish chef. I think he's like one of my favorite Muppet because he doesn't he has human hands, Andrew.

[7:25] Andrew: He has human hands.

[7:31] Jess: Well, that's because he has to hold knives and stuff and he throws things around a lot. It makes sense, but also it is unsettling at first glance.

[7:38] Andrew: He he is a little unsettling as it is. I mean, he's like uh he speaks in like this bizarre way because it's not he's not speaking Swedish, obviously.

[7:47] Jess: He's talking pure Swedish.

[7:48] Andrew: That's the language that they speak in.

[7:49] Jess: Yeah, he's speaking in Hingading Swedish, which if Swedish people weren't so white, I'd feel bad for them.

[7:56] Andrew: Um go enjoy frozen.

[7:58] Jess: Go enjoy frozen, it's fine. I like the Swedish chef as well. Uh, I'm glad he doesn't make Big Bird into a chicky dinner, though.

[8:06] Andrew: He they have like threaded wheat and cranberry sauce. That's how they resolve because Swedish chef has a change of heart after Big Bird gives him a gift or says something nice or something.

[8:16] Jess: He wasn't he was at first gonna just use a normal chicken and Gonzo was not happy about that either.

[8:21] Andrew: Because he wants to fuck it.

[8:22] Jess: He wants to go all John Waters on that chicken. Okay, there's another side thing where Fozzie makes a snowman that is just him.

[8:31] Andrew: There's just a second Fozzie and they start a comedy act and it's not funny at all.

[8:35] Jess: I rem I love the scene. Like there's a line delivery here where he goes to Herman, he's like, and I got my stomach, and Herman's like, the heck you say not involved in that subplot, just moving on, like, oh, that's weird.

[8:48] Andrew: It's like, no.

[8:49] Jess: But I like when they perform their comedy act and Statler and Waldorf are just there. And I like that they weren't they're not like invited there as part of the Muppet crew.

[8:59] Andrew: They're there because they're friends with Fozzie's mom.

[9:02] Jess: Which makes sense. She wouldn't be friends with them. It's funny because, well, one, they're friends with the mom, even though they are like Fozzie's worst enemy.

[9:12] Andrew: And they remembered that he they're not technically part of the Muppet show, so they wouldn't be part of the Muppet troop traveling around.

[9:18] Jess: Yeah, that's like the first time. This is like the first time they've remembered that. Because Stadler and Waldorf always just tag along in Muppet Adventures, even though they're not Muppet.

[9:26] Andrew: Yeah, that is that yeah. They're people. They're part of the audience.

[9:31] Jess: They're humans that aren't just puppets as well. They never give them excuse either. They're just like in the movies and stuff, they're always just like tagging along.

[9:39] Andrew: How do they integrate it into the Muppet movies like the more recent Disney one?

[9:44] Jess: They kind of don't. They just show up, I feel like.

[9:47] Andrew: They got nowhere else to go.

[9:48] Jess: Like they might I think in the Muppet 2011, they don't show up and I could be wrong. I don't I don't think they show up until they open the theater, which it makes sense.

[9:56] Andrew: Maybe they just showed up because they're like, oh, the Muppet Theater's reopened, we go to every show to heckle, so fuck them guys.

[10:02] Jess: I love that they never want to be there, but they all show up to every event.

[10:06] Andrew: They want to torture them.

[10:08] Jess: They are statists.

[10:09] Andrew: They are.

[10:10] Jess: Um then there is the fragile plot. So they go down in the basement and the fraggles are just down there.

[10:18] Andrew: And they don't really give the fraggles anything to do.

[10:20] Jess: They just sing a song, which I feel a little bad for all the fraggle fans out there that wanted some more fraggle.

[10:25] Andrew: The Fraggles are from the real young kids. Like Muppet are adults and fraggles are real kids.

[10:30] Jess: Yeah, yeah, but Sesame Street is in this.

[10:33] Andrew: Okay.

[10:33] Jess: So we got okay. He's got the tier list of uh age. Is the preschool, that's Fraggle Rock upper, like language skills, you got Sesame Street, and then for like teenage to adults, we got the Muppet.

[10:46] Andrew: I've always thought that the Sesame Street and Fraggles were switched on that list.

[10:50] Jess: No, because Fraggle, like Sesame Street is like educational, word-based education and all that where Fraggles are more simplistic emotion-based education, which younger, younger kids would probably get a little bit more than like, oh fucking A shit.

[11:04] Andrew: Yeah.

[11:05] Jess: Okay. I've always really liked the Fraggle Rock theme song, like a lot.

[11:08] Andrew: Well, it's the same song as the song from the first Muppet movie. What'd you think of that?

[11:12] Jess: Can't you picture that? Down Fraggle Rock.

[11:15] Andrew: It's true, but they have that cool guitar with like bump bum bum bump bam bad bow da.

[11:21] Jess: Another thing I've always liked about Fraggle Rock, just one of those little touches, is they for every country they film different live action segments so that the they speak and represent the culture and language of the country that they're being played in at that time.

[11:36] Andrew: That must have been expensive.

[11:38] Jess: I mean, no, because the they're about what, three minutes per episode at max, and then you mostly have the puppet thing.

[11:44] Andrew: Okay.

[11:45] Jess: So the puppet thing said the same, but the live action, like the guy.

[11:48] Andrew: Yes, that guy is different for everything.

[11:50] Jess: And like one of them's like a lighthouse keeper in Ireland, I believe. Like he's very different every time.

[11:54] Andrew: Hmm. Well that's interesting. I did not know that. That's good, like people putting work into shit to make sure it's quality everywhere.

[12:03] Jess: So the Fraggles, there are their uh exclamation is that Fraggles just live everywhere. Like there's Fraggles all over the place.

[12:10] Andrew: I guess Kermit and Robin just kind of find fraggles in Fozzie's mom's basement, like in a hole in the wall.

[12:20] Jess: I mean, that's where the Fraggles live. They live just underneath.

[12:23] Andrew: I've never seen an episode of Fraggle Rock, but this is my justification.

[12:29] Andrew: It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. Fraggles doesn't matter. They come up and celebrate Christmas, but they were celebrating a different holiday. They were just celebrating every day or Fragglemas. I don't even remember. And uh so bad for Fozzie's Ma in this special. She just wanted to go to Florida.

[12:47] Jess: Yeah. And then all these fucking puppets show the hell up. It's like uh Christmas with the Cranks.

[12:53] Andrew: Exactly. Tim Allen's gonna attack a bunch of children and it's gonna be a fun time. Christmas with the Cranks is the most bizarre Christmas movie. Can we just talk about that for like a second?

[13:03] Jess: You can, yeah.

[13:04] Andrew: I saw that in theaters, fun fact. What the fuck is with that movie? Like, they just want to go to Florida. That's not even a weird thing to do. And the whole town, like, loses their mind. There's gotta be some sort of like social commentary on that.

[13:18] Jess: Like, what is that? Is it about like how society doesn't allow you not to celebrate Christmas because it's so like oppressively ingrained in like consumer culture?

[13:27] Andrew: Like, I don't know.

[13:29] Jess: I mean, yeah, I guess. Uh Christmas with the Cranks is borderline unwatchable, I'd even say, like, as a film.

[13:37] Andrew: Yeah, but I'm talking like if you look at the plot of it and you look at it as like a what does it mean? What else does what does it mean? You know, and that's kind of my thought. Jamie Lee Curtis wanted to fuck Tim Allen.

[13:49] Jess: God, I hope not.

[13:50] Andrew: Okay, so Miss Curl actually's naked and the priest sees her with her boobies.

[13:54] Jess: No, no, no, no. Jamie Lee Curtis is naked, and the Reverend comes by and sees her naked boobies. Tim Allen gets a Botox injection.

[14:01] Andrew: And he can't talk. And that's the joke. He can't talk.

[14:06] Jess: No, he can talk. He can't eat. He keeps trying to shove jello in his mouth and it keeps falling out. Andrew, do you not remember Christmas with the Cranks?

[14:12] Andrew: I don't remember. I don't remember the movie.

[14:14] Jess: And then the kid from Malcolm in the Middle gets attacked by Tim Allen. There was like a weird thing where like Frosty was implied to be almost like a malevolent spirit, but also he wasn't. Santa Claus exists in the Christmas with the Cranks universe.

[14:31] Andrew: Yep.

[14:31] Jess: Yeah, because at the end he in his Oldsmobile takes off with Santa's reindeer. It's such a weird movie. Like these people they just want to go to Florida and then they change their mind and they're like okay we'll stay but there's still Donor is coming home.

[14:45] Andrew: Yeah.

[14:46] Jess: And but they're still being like attacked by their neighbors because their house isn't well decorated enough. It's like what do you what is happening? Then Daddy comes and tells everyone hey they're they've been greedy assholes but we should help them anyway.

[15:00] Andrew: Even though they really haven't been greedy assholes like by any like reasonable standard.

[15:09] Jess: Yeah but that's only that's honestly kind of only because of the way the town was treating him to begin with though. So it's like I don't know whose fault is this really good got Tim Allen.

[15:20] Andrew: Tim Allen sucks.

[15:21] Jess: I hate Tim Allen.

[15:22] Andrew: Yeah I think we've always hated Tim Allen. I think that that's the secret to the universe. Everyone hates Tim Allen.

[15:27] Jess: Tim Allen deserves to be hated he's got like a really have you ever watched Last Man Standing?

[15:32] Andrew: No I I like my life.

[15:34] Jess: Okay well Last Man Standing is basically just Home Improvement but like strong conservative values you know like more so than Home Improvement.

[15:44] Andrew: Okay I feel like Home Improvement already had some of that.

[15:47] Jess: Conservative values into a TV show is kind of the thing. And have anyone be likable.

[15:52] Andrew: Well, Tim Allen's character is like a man's man, and he he was like a uh like in in the uh show itself, he was like a Mitt Romney supporter.

[16:03] Jess: Oh.

[16:03] Andrew: He was uh yeah. Um and he he always learns lessons about raising his daughters, but it's always from like a conservative bent.

[16:11] Jess: What it's a lesson.

[16:13] Andrew: Oh god, I'm trying to remember. I I haven't watched it in a long time. I just remember very strongly the few episodes I have seen. It was it was stuff like you know, you've gotta learn how to really be a man to to do this kind of stuff.

[16:26] Jess: I don't know.

[16:27] Andrew: It's Tim Allen, it's bad. He was worried the show was gonna get canceled back when like Roseanne got cancelled, I think.

[16:33] Jess: Or well, no, it got cancelled on ABC and Fox.

[16:38] Andrew: That's right. It got cancelled and then they picked it up.

[16:40] Jess: That's right. Fuck Tim Allen.

[16:43] Andrew: Okay, so Miss Piggy comes back. She makes it. She makes it there, and then they have their Christmas dinner, and that's the end of the episode, the special. There's not much else to it.

[16:52] Jess: Uh do you have anything else to say on this Muppet Spectacular?

[16:56] Andrew: It was a good it's a good. Like I we always find it most difficult to talk about things that are just generally good. But I if it I convince one person in our Patreon list to watch this fucking special, I will be happy because it is so much. If you like the Muppet, it's it's honestly probably better than some of the other Muppet stuff that exists.

[17:15] Jess: So I'd check it out.

[17:16] Andrew: Yeah, it's the best. Especially if you're a big Muppet fan. And I know that's like heresy after fucking Muppet Christmas Carol.

[17:22] Jess: I've not seen Muppet Christmas Carol.

[17:24] Andrew: I know we were talking about doing that, but I still haven't seen it, so I don't want to do it without Brent, because Brent really had an interest in doing it.

[17:30] Jess: Oh, yeah, that's right. That's why we're waiting on it.

[17:33] Andrew: Yeah, sorry. Looks like we we've got our next December Patreon already lined up.

[17:36] Jess: Yeah, maybe we should do those in July and just bank 'em.

[17:39] Andrew: Maybe we should do a Christmas in July thing on Patreon.

[17:42] Jess: Let us know if that'd be something you'd be interested in, because I I our July's tend to be a little bit more free than December's as it turns out.

[17:49] Andrew: Muppets Christmas in July.

[17:51] Jess: Oh god, there's so many bad Muppet Christmas specials, though.

[17:54] Andrew: I've only seen the uh Oh my god. I can't even remember the name of it. It's the one where uh the guy like wishes he didn't exist anymore.

[18:03] Jess: Then the C one.

[18:04] Andrew: Oh, Wonderful Life.

[18:05] Jess: Wonderful Life, yeah.

[18:07] Andrew: That one's really bad. Like that was just Oh, yeah, that's I've I watched that while I was at a restaurant, so I honestly barely remember it, but that's the one where NBC just took the advantage of the fact that they had the Muppet to promote all their shows, so like Scrubs appears on it and like Oh god.

[18:22] Jess: I didn't pay very much attention, but we're gonna have to we're gonna have to look at that one.

[18:25] Andrew: May uh Muppet Christmas in July is not a bad idea. I'm down with it.

[18:28] Jess: Alright, let us know if you like that patrons. Um let us know if you have any other ideas. I know in the new year we really want to ramp up Patreon. We have some ideas, brewing.

[18:38] Andrew: Um, but we we love your input. How how do you like? How are we doing?

[18:41] Jess: Um we need exit surveys, like, or entrance surveys. What do you want from us? Should we treat this more like an OnlyFans where we post pictures of our feet or na nudes?

[18:52] Andrew: I will post no pictures of my feet because you honestly you don't want to see that show feet, Andrew. You don't want to see it. I my my toenails are like knives.

[19:01] Jess: Alright.

[19:02] Andrew: Um that sounds like a joke right out of Last Man Standing, right?

[19:06] Jess: Yeah, a little bit.

[19:07] Andrew: Oh, uh. I just rew I watched uh all the Christmas. There's not many Christmas specials on Disney Plus, so I just watched through every single one of them.

[19:17] Jess: Why?

[19:18] Andrew: I remember we did one last year. There was like the Noel or something.

[19:22] Jess: Yeah, that's one of them. Then you get the three Santa Clauses.

[19:26] Andrew: No, no, no, no. What do you think of those movies? Have you seen them?

[19:30] Jess: Yeah, I've seen all three of them. They're the first two, I think, are okay. The third one is garbage bad.

[19:36] Andrew: I think they have a very strange premise, and I'm not sure if I'm into it.

[19:41] Jess: Oh no, it's strange. I remember in the original script, um, Tim Allen was supposed to shoot Santa with a shotgun, and then Jeffrey Katzenberg came in like the day before they shot him.

[19:49] Andrew: No, you're not gonna shoot that with the this is a kid's are you an idiot?

[19:53] Jess: Yeah, knock him off the roof to his death.

[19:57] Andrew: I mean, if you use the context clues from like that show, to be honest, um that Santa was not doing a very good job. None of the elves are like, oh no, Ralph died.

[20:08] Jess: No, it it is honestly, it's like none of the elves even like acknowledge that he died.

[20:13] Andrew: Like barely.

[20:14] Jess: So Tim Allen is the Joe Biden to the Santa administration.

[20:18] Andrew: Like, hey hey, you're not perfect, but we'll make this work.

[20:21] Jess: You know, it doesn't it doesn't make any sense actually now I'm thinking about it.

[20:24] Andrew: What?

[20:24] Jess: He kills Santa, right?

[20:26] Andrew: Yeah.

[20:27] Jess: He knocks him off the roof. What was Santa doing on his roof?

[20:29] Andrew: Was it was it Christmas that day?

[20:31] Jess: Yeah, it was Christmas.

[20:32] Andrew: So who finished all the deliveries?

[20:34] Jess: Did Sam Allen finish them?

[20:35] Andrew: Yeah, that yeah, they show him just finishing the deliveries.

[20:37] Jess: Okay, okay.

[20:38] Andrew: With pressure from his kid who's like, come on, you never let me do what I want to do. Tim Allen with literally no experience riding the sleigh or anything, finishes all the deliveries.

[20:48] Jess: The reindeer do most of the work.

[20:50] Andrew: The reindeer in the bag, because remember the bag floats them to where he needs to be.

[20:54] Jess: Uh Santa Claus 2, I don't remember that much of He needs to get a wife, and his hot or his son's hot principal is the one he chooses.

[21:03] Andrew: Wait, Santa Claus needs to have a wife, right?

[21:06] Jess: Apparently, according to the What happened to the wife of the Santa Claus that he killed?

[21:11] Andrew: What happens to Melania once Joe Biden takes off?

[21:14] Jess: She just goes.

[21:15] Andrew: Do they do did they kick her out of the North Pole and just like send her like, hey, your husband's dead. Get out of here.

[21:22] Jess: Yep.

[21:22] Andrew: Threw a box of shit out into the snow. Good luck getting home.

[21:27] Jess: Literally, the North Pole, like a mile away from the North Pole, there's just like a ring of dead bodies of all the Mrs. Clauses that they've kicked out.

[21:36] Andrew: You couldn't have even introduced me to the new Santa.

[21:39] Jess: See if we hit it off, you know. Give me a chance.

[21:44] Andrew: Nah, bye.

[21:45] Jess: And the weird thing is they always sexualize the elves in those movies. Like one time he's like, You look pretty good for your age.

[21:51] Andrew: And she's like, It's okay. I'm seeing someone from rapping.

[21:54] Jess: And I'm like, They're played by children.

[21:56] Andrew: Yeah.

[21:57] Jess: Tim Allen wrote those lines.

[21:58] Andrew: Hey, hey, what if I try to flirt with you a little bit and you're like, nah, no, it'll be funny.

[22:02] Jess: Come on, hey. Say you're not into it. That's what I get in real life.

[22:10] Andrew: And then the third.

[22:12] Jess: The third one is just him with like a robot version of himself.

[22:15] Andrew: No, no, no, that's the second one still. Because he has to go find a wife, so he puts the robot version of the phone.

[22:19] Jess: Oh, yeah, yeah. What is the third one?

[22:20] Andrew: No, the third one is with the with Jack.

[22:22] Jess: Oh my god.

[22:23] Andrew: Jack Frost is the third one is awful. They go back in time and make him into why does he do that?

[22:30] Jess: I don't even understand it.

[22:32] Andrew: Because he he's having a baby, and Alan Arkin plays his father-in-law, and he keeps giving him shit.

[22:38] Jess: No, sometimes I wish it weren't Santa Claus. Then they gotta go back in time.

[22:42] Andrew: Yeah, yeah. Here's uh here's a pro uh pro strat for you, uh, Jack Frost. Uh, just kill him and wear his clothes, and then you'll be Santa Claus.

[22:50] Jess: You don't have to do the whole time travel.

[22:52] Andrew: The elves have to follow what you do.

[22:54] Jess: Yeah, you literally make uh an icicle, stab Tim Allen in the throat with it, and then take his clothes and wear them.

[23:02] Andrew: Fuck that. I gotta get a gun.

[23:07] Jess: Like, go to America, get a gun, come back and just shoot him point blank in the face.

[23:12] Andrew: If the Santa Claus has taught me anything, it's that if you want to be Santa Claus, the best way to do it is by force.

[23:17] Jess: Murder.

[23:18] Andrew: Legally speaking patrons.

[23:20] Jess: Legally speaking, there's nothing they can do about it. We've seen the fine print. If you wear the clothes, you are Santa Claus.

[23:25] Andrew: I mean, also, like, someone's like, oh my god, Santa was murdered. Like, what police officer is gonna take that seriously?

[23:32] Jess: What jurisdiction are they even under?

[23:33] Andrew: There is no police officer that could possibly take the case.

[23:36] Jess: It's the North Pole, it's not actually owned by anyone.

[23:39] Andrew: Is there an elf police officer?

[23:40] Jess: And it's just an adorable murder mystery true detective story with like child of it.

[23:44] Andrew: What is the elf police officer gonna do? It's like Robocop.

[23:47] Jess: Like he is Santa Claus, he's the law, you know?

[23:50] Andrew: Well, you can't fire Santa Claus.

[23:52] Jess: Being killed.

[23:53] Andrew: Yeah, and then the L.

[23:55] Jess: Like literally the North Pole would just devolve and become Santa Claus.

[23:58] Andrew: Is that a rule?

[23:59] Jess: Elves are different species, so I'd assume yes.

[24:02] Andrew: Alright, well, you have a lot to ponder before an ex-patreon with cheese now, kids. Let us know what you think.

[24:07] Jess: Yeah, if you want.

[24:08] Andrew: I don't care.

[24:09] Jess: We love we notice that we aren't getting many comments on our Patreon posts, which kind of sucks.

[24:15] Andrew: So why don't you leave a comment? Let us know you listened. We know that there's a lot of patrons.

[24:20] Jess: Yeah.

[24:21] Andrew: I think they just actively like supporting us and don't like the extra content.

[24:24] Jess: So thanks, kids. We love you. Let us know if there is extra content you would want to see.

[24:30] Andrew: Exactly. 2021's gonna be our hot girl summer.

[24:34] Jess: So let's go.

[24:35] Andrew: We are starting in Old OnlyFans.

[24:37] Jess: It's just gonna be Jess with with wine shirts on.

[24:40] Andrew: Wine stained shirts.

[24:41] Jess: 2021. Let's go, kids.

[24:43] Andrew: Alright, we'll see you next time on Patreon with cheese boom all right bye bye.