This transcript was automatically generated and might contain errors.

[0:01] Jess: Hello and welcome to this extra special holiday recording of Musicals with Cheese on Patreon.

[0:10] Andrew: I should have dressed up. I'm wearing like my crappy shirt.

[0:14] Jess: Jess is all dressed up. This is a shirt that I usually wear as a pajama shirt because I don't even like it.

[0:20] Andrew: What does it say? That's a good shirt, especially considering the work you do. That's a hilarious shirt.

[0:27] Jess: It's alright, it's alright. You've got that nice coat. You look like you're dressed up for a party or something.

[0:35] Andrew: I do have a party after this, fun fact. I was invited to my friend's Life Day celebration.

[0:44] Jess: See, I never get invited to those.

[0:46] Andrew: Yeah, you need to have more Wookiee friends. They really get big into Life Day around this time of year.

[0:52] Jess: Yeah, that's what it is. I've never really gotten around to meeting any Wookiees.

[0:57] Andrew: Oh yeah. The worst part is, where do you get a Wookiee for Christmas when it already has a comb?

[1:05] Jess: That's a song from the Star Wars Christmas album that was released in the 90s. No, it was the 80s.

[1:12] Andrew: Because Bon Jovi got his record debut in that album.

[1:17] Jess: Bon Jovi's debut is Star Wars Christmas?

[1:22] Andrew: Yeah, I'm not shitting you even a little bit. That is his record debut when he was just a little baby boy.

[1:28] Jess: It's just like how Boba Fett's debut is in the Star Wars Holiday Special.

[1:33] Andrew: Yes. So what do you know about the Star Wars Holiday Special? Just the Red Letter Media videos and all that?

[1:40] Jess: Yeah, basically that. That's my entire knowledge. That and that it's bad.

[1:47] Andrew: Yeah, I was obsessed with this as a kid because it was like the one piece of Star Wars media you couldn't get your hands on.

[1:54] Jess: And the internet wasn't really what it is now, so you couldn't find a bootleg back then.

[1:59] Andrew: They didn't want you to see it because it was bad. And they knew it was bad.

[2:04] Jess: Yeah, but the thing is, I almost unironically love this special. Almost unironically.

[2:11] Andrew: Almost. That almost is doing a lot of work.

[2:16] Jess: Yeah, I do have a soft spot. But this originally aired November 18, 1978. Let me double check that.

[2:25] Andrew: Yes, it was November 17, 1978. It aired only one time on CBS, the same station that brought us Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.

[2:34] Jess: They were trying to produce those classics, those hits.

[2:39] Andrew: And this was kind of George Lucas's first folly. The first sign that maybe he doesn't always make the right choices.

[2:47] Jess: Because he was dead in production of Empire and didn't give this the TLC it needed to really be what it could have been.

[2:57] Andrew: I feel like George Lucas makes these movies that are generally good, but all of his ideas are the worst ideas that are in the movie.

[3:07] Jess: I disagree. Fundamentally, I disagree with that.

[3:11] Andrew: Maybe he allows other people to put in terrible ideas then, consistently?

[3:16] Jess: Have you ever read the conversation between George Lucas, Steven Spielberg, and Lawrence Kasdan coming up with Indiana Jones?

[3:26] Andrew: Basically, every good idea was George Lucas's in that.

[3:30] Jess: And Spielberg's giving like, hey, what if his ex-girlfriend's a 10-year-old?

[3:34] Andrew: And George's like, ah, maybe not. How about we give him a whip?

[3:39] Jess: Just because that's a real, funny, non-violent thing.

[3:42] Andrew: And Spielberg's like, yeah, and he can whip a lady and pull them closer and make out with her.

[3:47] Jess: And then he's like, no, no.

[3:51] Andrew: And it's just like George backing away from the terrible ideas and being like, no, we should probably do this instead of that and all that.

[4:00] Jess: It was how I feel about it then, because the prequel trilogies have so many awful things that are definitely George Lucas's ideas.

[4:08] Andrew: And then I recently watched Willow, and my god, it's like a great movie with just horrible stuff in it.

[4:17] Jess: Where it's just like, why would you include these two characters that are annoying and awful?

[4:22] Andrew: Which ones are you talking about? Val Kilmer or the girl?

[4:27] Jess: No, the two little tiny French people who are just there to be annoying.

[4:34] Andrew: He needs something for the kids. They can't just look at a baby being cute.

[4:37] Jess: Yeah, but it was like, shades of Jar Jar, you know?

[4:41] Andrew: I don't even think Jar Jar in and of itself is a terrible idea.

[4:47] Jess: Like, the idea of this lower-class citizen forced underground by the high class getting a representation in the Senate and eventually helping in the creation of the Empire, that in and of itself as an idea is actually fairly interesting.

[5:01] Andrew: The execution of that idea was what was terrible.

[5:05] Jess: I feel like the execution of the idea probably came first.

[5:09] Andrew: I think the idea was initially, what if a character talked silly?

[5:13] Jess: No, no, no. That is incorrect, because the original cast for Jar Jar was Trace Billow, who was an MST3K guy, and he would play like a salesman, kind of going back to the original C-3PO idea.

[5:26] Andrew: And then he met Ahmed Best, who was performing in Stomp, and he's like, I really like it.

[5:31] Jess: And Ahmed Best came up with the voice, and they had originally just planned to dub him over later because he was going to be a CGI character, and beg George to let him do the voice.

[5:40] Andrew: I don't think George Lucas is-

[5:43] Jess: So Stomp is to blame.

[5:45] Andrew: Yes, I think we brought that up in an episode once.

[5:48] Jess: We probably did.

[5:49] Andrew: That sounds like something we could talk about.

[5:51] Jess: But, before we start, aside from Boba Fett, any scenes or big things that you know about the holiday special?

[5:59] Andrew: I'm just excited for the stir-whip scene. I'm a big fan of the stir-whip, stir-whip, whip-whip-stir.

[6:06] Jess: I think that that's hilarious, and that's all I've got.

[6:11] Andrew: I'm in a unique position where I don't like Star Wars, and I don't like the holidays, and we're mashing both of them together into a two-hour long Hellfest.

[6:21] Jess: So it's going to be enjoyable for everyone, I'm sure.

[6:25] Andrew: Yes. Let's just get into it then. Are you ready?

[6:29] Jess: Count us down to push play.

[6:31] Andrew: And for those of you on Patreon, we will give you the link, if you want to use the audio-only version as well, to the YouTube video that we use for this.

[6:38] Jess: And we specifically chose one with commercials because we think that's funnier.

[6:44] Andrew: Alright, count us down to hit play, Jess.

[6:46] Jess: Alright, we're going to play this shit in 3, 2, 1.

[6:56] ♪ Musical number: "Star Wars Commercial" — performed by Unknown performer ♪

[7:00] Andrew: Now the Earthlings at Kenner have asked my associate and me to present the Star Wars collection.

[7:05] Jess: Truly remarkable toys and games for your children.

[7:08] Andrew: You want it? I'll buy it for you.

[7:10] Jess: My goodness, the Star Wars Tie Fighter and X-Wing Fighter.

[7:13] Andrew: Now your children can relive our great space battles.

[7:16] Jess: Or collect our wonderful Star Wars companions with Kenner's Star Wars action figures.

[7:21] Andrew: R2, it's a little you.

[7:23] Jess: Kenner's new radio-controlled...

[7:25] Andrew: A little you.

[7:27] Jess: Ah, the Star Wars Lantern.

[7:29] Andrew: Exactly what we wanted for Christmas.

[7:31] Jess: And here's Kenner's Death Star Space Station.

[7:34] Andrew: The best part is they sandwiched this sad place at the beginning of this special and the end.

[7:39] Jess: Like, this would get me pumped.

[7:42] Andrew: Imagine it's 1978, you saw Star Wars, and this is the first thing that you see.

[7:47] Jess: Batteries are not included.

[7:49] Andrew: Everyone's excited for the toys.

[7:51] Jess: I'm so fucking pumped.

[7:53] Andrew: I want these Star Wars toys.

[7:56] Jess: They used to turn everything sideways, huh?

[7:58] Andrew: Because of the following special program, Wonder Woman and 90% of this evening.

[8:02] Jess: What? We're not going to be able to watch our Marvel shows because of Star Wars?

[8:06] Andrew: The more things change, the more they stay the same.

[8:10] Jess: But now I'm mad. Turn on the Incredible Hulk.

[8:14] Andrew: Look, those shows suck ass anyways.

[8:16] Jess: Alright, this feels like Star Wars already. We got it.

[8:19] Andrew: I mean, we got...

[8:20] Jess: Look at this. This is classic Star Wars.

[8:22] Andrew: Yeah, boosh clip from the movie.

[8:25] Jess: This is actually just clips from the movie, yeah.

[8:28] Andrew: And then they've got this shitty set that they're shaking around.

[8:33] Jess: He's turning back. There's guys behind you. Where are you going to go?

[8:36] Andrew: Yeah, that'd be the worst choice you could make in this situation.

[8:41] Jess: Han's like, I don't give a fuck about a life day. I don't care.

[8:45] Andrew: Not a real holiday anyway.

[8:50] Jess: I thought you were going to turn back.

[8:52] Andrew: You can't make up your mind.

[8:55] Jess: Harrison, have you been drinking? Are you just making up your lines again?

[9:00] Andrew: You know Harrison Ford never gave a shit about Star Wars.

[9:03] Jess: He did not.

[9:07] Andrew: This is probably the thing he's the most embarrassed about appearing in.

[9:12] Jess: I don't know. I've seen Firewall.

[9:19] Andrew: But do you think he personally is more embarrassed about that?

[9:22] Jess: Uh, yeah, I don't know.

[9:26] Andrew: The bangs.

[9:28] Jess: Yeah, that's what Luke Skywalker looks like.

[9:32] Andrew: Yeah.

[9:35] Jess: This was like a great era of everything.

[9:39] Andrew: Where you have the real opening credits with everyone getting introduced.

[9:44] Jess: This is Pee-Wee's Playhouse Christmas Special did the same thing.

[9:47] Andrew: What happened to opening credits? Where'd they go?

[9:51] Jess: They became end credits, because now we have these long end credits sequences with fancy animations.

[9:57] Andrew: It's true, but nobody stays for those.

[10:00] Jess: Well, Marvel forces people to stay for them, but...

[10:04] Andrew: Introducing Chewbacca? Oh no!

[10:08] Jess: Oh no!

[10:10] Andrew: These guys are canon, right?

[10:12] Jess: Yes!

[10:13] Andrew: They never actually say that these aren't his family.

[10:17] Jess: Even in solo they...

[10:20] Andrew: It's short for like Lumpa Baraka or something.

[10:23] Jess: Lumpy Baca.

[10:32] Andrew: Looking good.

[10:33] Jess: This is one of my favorite scenes too, this part.

[10:36] Andrew: The cyberjacket in the living room?

[10:38] Jess: Yeah.

[10:44] Andrew: There he is!

[10:49] Jess: This is the first ever appearance of Boba Fett, right?

[10:52] Andrew: Well, technically the first appearance of Boba Fett was in a parade in Santa Monica.

[10:57] Jess: Where he was painted white, they didn't get the colors right yet.

[11:00] Andrew: I mean on a screen.

[11:03] Jess: GM! Detroit!

[11:07] Andrew: People building transportation to serve people.

[11:10] Jess: Did they not have marketing departments back then?

[11:13] Andrew: We want your tagline to be as confusing as possible.

[11:17] Jess: The more times we can say people, the better.

[11:20] Andrew: People serving people to build people's transportation.

[11:24] Jess: For people.

[11:25] Andrew: For people.

[11:27] Jess: The 70s carpet.

[11:30] Andrew: Ah, this is a beautiful looky home.

[11:33] Jess: This is what it's supposed to look like. This is what the holidays are all about.

[11:42] Andrew: Why did they do this?

[11:47] Jess: There was a word.

[11:49] Andrew: You're hyped up for the Star Wars special, you get that intro, and then this.

[11:56] Jess: Daddy, when are they going to start speaking English?

[11:59] Andrew: Where's Luke Skywalker, Daddy?

[12:01] Jess: And you know, everyone is like, Luke will show up in a minute, right?

[12:06] Andrew: He's going to walk in the door at any time.

[12:09] Jess: Okay, so he can barely follow the screen direction of where he's supposed to be looking.

[12:21] Andrew: It's incomprehensible.

[12:24] Jess: You can get what's going on.

[12:26] Andrew: He wants to play, the mom's like, you're not supposed to play, and he's like, Grandpa, defend me.

[12:30] Jess: And he's like, no, you little shit, I hope you die.

[12:32] Andrew: Grandpa's like, I don't care, I'm going to jerk off real quick.

[12:36] Jess: I'm so horny, I can't think straight.

[12:39] Andrew: I've got to carve my wood.

[12:45] Jess: What is she doing?

[12:47] Andrew: Beating a creature to death so she can eat it later?

[12:50] Jess: It's Star Wars, so I would guess that probably...

[12:56] Andrew: Wookiees are like the white suburban families of the Star Wars universe.

[13:02] Jess: What would that make Chewbacca, though?

[13:04] Andrew: Going off to fight with terrorists to destroy the Imperial regime?

[13:11] Jess: White guilt.

[13:13] Andrew: I guess.

[13:20] Jess: What have we signed ourselves up for?

[13:25] Andrew: Why do you even bother putting on an apron when you're literally a hairball?

[13:29] Jess: What are you keeping out?

[13:31] Andrew: You need like a full body hairnet is what you need, not an apron.

[13:35] Jess: Maybe that's to keep from cow shit getting matted into your fur.

[13:43] Andrew: You know what, I'm considering it too, kid.

[13:47] Jess: It's that point of the special.

[13:51] Andrew: Lumpy, what's going on, buddy?

[13:53] Jess: Oh no.

[13:54] Andrew: Oh no!

[13:57] Jess: I wish my real dad would come home.

[14:00] Andrew: Lumpy, that just doesn't seem like a great idea.

[14:04] Jess: I know you're having fun and all, but...

[14:07] Andrew: I love matte paintings!

[14:41] Andrew: Did they not have people to write dialogue?

[15:11] Jess: I'm not saying it makes sense, I'm just saying this is what he did.

[15:18] Andrew: It's interesting, it's like watching a foreign TV show, but no one understands it.

[15:26] Jess: This is just normal French television, they're equally as hairy too.

[15:32] Andrew: Speaking some gibberish language no one speaks with all this hair on their body.

[15:40] Jess: Oh, he didn't commit suicide after all. Good for you, kid.

[15:54] Andrew: Hey, you reused that shot! That shot was used earlier! You can't fool me!

[16:00] Jess: You can't make this up. Like, when people say this is bad, like, holy shit. This is atrocious.

[16:08] Andrew: So, unpacked, and here's a thing that I bet you didn't expect.

[16:13] Jess: The director of the Star Wars Holiday Special plays a major role in the movie Elvis.

[16:18] Andrew: So they hired an actor to play the director of the Holiday Special, because he directed Elvis' 1968 Comeback Special too.

[16:26] Jess: Oh, okay. They don't mention this though, do they?

[16:30] Andrew: No, but I knowing who that guy was, and knowing what other...

[16:34] Jess: Like, I'm like, that's the guy who directed the Holiday Special in this Elvis movie.

[16:38] Andrew: You know, he probably made a shit ton of money off of this too.

[16:42] Jess: Probably not as much as you'd think.

[16:45] Andrew: I feel like I'm not paying enough attention to what the fuck's going on on screen right now.

[16:51] Jess: Why don't you describe it for me, please?

[16:53] Andrew: They're Cirque du Soleil doughnuts, and they are performing for us in varying sizes of holograms.

[17:03] Jess: Are they holograms? So they're not just, like, little creatures like in Willow?

[17:08] Andrew: Just, nobody lives in the TV, just, like, it's just, it's a screen.

[17:15] Jess: So how long before we get this technology?

[17:19] Andrew: Um, we, uh, never will, because this is impossible.

[17:25] Jess: Is this, like, the equivalent of Wookie Nutcracker? Like, this is like the Nutcracker Ballet?

[17:31] Andrew: Yeah, I mean, I'd like to think it's, like, this is...

[17:37] Jess: You got the look like the grandpa usually gets midday.

[17:41] Andrew: I don't think we need reaction shots of the Wookies.

[17:45] Jess: This is like a life day tradition.

[17:48] Andrew: This, this, they watch this, it's like the Macy's Day Parade or something like that.

[17:53] Jess: Now, so these are holograms, you're saying?

[17:56] Andrew: They aren't just little slaves that work for the Wookiees?

[17:59] Jess: No, because they change the size of one of them.

[18:01] Andrew: Like, we were able to see that they change the size of one of them.

[18:06] Jess: Are we supposed to be, like, impressed that it is a hologram? Like, you can stick his hand out?

[18:11] Andrew: Are we, is it supposed to be impressed because of their display or impressed because of the hologram?

[18:19] Jess: Am I supposed to be impressed by what's going on?

[18:23] Andrew: Are they fake people?

[18:26] Jess: This George Carlin green monster is playing a fake trumpet, look at him!

[18:33] Andrew: Did this come before or after Cats?

[18:37] Jess: Oh, he's got the look of kill in his eyes. This came way before Cats.

[18:41] Andrew: Okay, so Cats was directly inspired by this.

[18:44] Jess: Yeah.

[18:47] Andrew: Literally, you've got dancing and the furry creatures, and they thought, why don't you mix those together and make it, truly.

[18:55] Jess: And you've got, like, a murder scene.

[18:58] Andrew: Incomprehensible everything.

[19:02] Jess: Slightly sexual?

[19:05] Andrew: Slightly.

[19:07] Jess: By the way, we haven't gotten to the cyberjacking scene, but...

[19:11] Andrew: It's coming.

[19:12] Jess: We all know it's coming. And so is the grandpa.

[19:14] Andrew: We know it's coming.

[19:18] Jess: So, they're being asked to clean the dishes.

[19:24] Andrew: Why don't you just use your hand, like, your arm? I feel like that's equally as good.

[19:29] Jess: I like that grandpa doesn't have to do any work, he's just like, whatever.

[19:33] Andrew: Do you think the grandpa's like a freedom fighter like Chewbacca is?

[19:36] Jess: Traffic control. Wait, they can read English?

[19:41] Andrew: Well, it's the way that Han and, they can understand Han and Chewie and Luke and all that.

[19:47] Jess: So it's sending a lot of kisses and hugs.

[19:53] Andrew: No starships in area.

[19:55] Jess: It's an entire planet and not one starship?

[20:00] Andrew: Well, they know how.

[20:03] Jess: Maybe the space terrorists are trying to not be easily recognizable by radar.

[20:10] Andrew: You know what, Jess? I don't think real terrorists go home for Christmas.

[20:14] Jess: Oh, there he is! We got one!

[20:21] Andrew: We got a Star Wars theme, it's all good.

[20:30] Jess: Where's Chewbacca?

[20:34] Andrew: We ate his corpse!

[20:36] Jess: Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute! One at a time!

[20:50] Andrew: Hey Luke, can you translate for us at least?

[20:53] Jess: Not now, R2.

[20:56] Andrew: That was what R2 was trying to say.

[20:59] Jess: Can you make this make any sense, please?

[21:06] Andrew: He's in our camel nude.

[21:08] Jess: That's a bong. That's like a big ol' bong.

[21:12] Andrew: What's up?

[21:14] Jess: Chewbacca?

[21:16] Andrew: Well, bring him to the screen, I wanna say hello to him.

[21:19] Jess: You can't, he's not here.

[21:21] Andrew: You don't know where he is?

[21:24] Jess: Oh, he's not there yet, is that it?

[21:27] Andrew: Unrelated, but why are you wearing eyeliner?

[21:30] Jess: Well, all I can tell you is that he and Han left here on schedule.

[21:34] Andrew: If he's not there now, they're way overdue.

[21:38] Jess: There must have been trouble.

[21:40] Andrew: Is that his real hair or do you think it's a wig?

[21:43] Jess: There must have been trouble.

[21:45] Andrew: Do you think that the, uh, like, universe-scaling fascist empire that you're in a constant war with might have something to do with this?

[21:52] Jess: Who would have thought that your fascist empire might ruin your Christmas plans?

[22:04] Andrew: Do you really know him?

[22:06] Jess: There's no way, no way he exploded.

[22:14] Andrew: Don't look so worried, you act like he's in a war or something.

[22:17] Jess: Like a Star War or something.

[22:22] Andrew: Come on.

[22:25] Jess: There, that's better.

[22:26] Andrew: Are you flirting with the Wookie there, Luke?

[22:29] Jess: Luke, you don't even know who these Wookies are.

[22:32] Andrew: You've just never met one of them.

[22:34] Jess: R2, what are you doing?

[22:36] Andrew: Watch that, will ya?

[22:39] Jess: Man, this is what Star Wars is all about.

[22:42] Andrew: Yelling R2 and beeping noises and sometimes smoke comes out of something.

[22:47] Jess: That's about the most consistent plot point in every Star Wars.

[22:51] Andrew: R2, beeping noises, smoke.

[22:54] Jess: Hope you enjoyed that little bit of English, cause back to this.

[23:04] Andrew: I wish I could make a Wookie noise, but I can't.

[23:09] Jess: Ooh, that was close.

[23:14] Andrew: Oh, nice.

[23:16] Jess: Keepin' it good.

[23:17] Andrew: Subterminal 446.

[23:21] Jess: Standby.

[23:22] Andrew: You can just say any drippers at this point.

[23:25] Jess: Connect.

[23:27] Andrew: Oh, are they gonna play the Xbox Kinect?

[23:29] Jess: Trading post Wookie Planet C.

[23:34] Andrew: Why is there like a sweeping camera angle on this?

[23:38] Jess: Um, in this security camera?

[23:41] Andrew: I don't know.

[23:43] Jess: I suppose you want to see my identification?

[23:45] Andrew: No, I'm off duty.

[23:47] Jess: I've come to look around your shop.

[23:50] Andrew: I did not expect his face to look like that with that voice.

[23:56] Jess: Why don't the modern Star Wars reintroduce the fuckin' 70s stash to their movies?

[24:05] Andrew: Because of this.

[24:07] Jess: Oh, is that why they also don't have men with shirts buttoned all the way down to their navel?

[24:13] Andrew: Yes.

[24:15] Jess: I think that's the biggest thing that the modern Star Wars movies are missing, is the 70s aesthetic.

[24:21] Andrew: I think that's probably the best part of Star Wars, in my opinion.

[24:24] Jess: That makes it so different from every other, like, just general space story.

[24:37] Andrew: Oh God, that's just a casual racism right there.

[24:40] Jess: That's just a casual racism right there.

[24:44] Andrew: It's Wookiees, I mean, they had it coming.

[24:48] Jess: They're like eight feet tall. They don't deserve my respect.

[24:52] Andrew: What?

[25:10] Jess: In fact, you might say she did it by hand. Solo.

[25:16] Andrew: So it's gonna take some time to get here.

[25:18] Jess: This is code, but it's not even hidden, really.

[25:22] Andrew: There's a guy right behind you.

[25:26] Jess: Meet Han Solo, the notable outlaw that helped destroy the Death Star, and literally left my boss, like, floating in space for eight months.

[25:35] Andrew: Would you like this?

[25:36] Jess: It's just a groomer.

[25:39] Andrew: Oh, groomers. Okay, groomer.

[25:42] Jess: Oh no.

[25:45] Andrew: Okay, groomer.

[25:48] Jess: Jess has fallen down a rabbit hole.

[25:50] Andrew: It's, it's, it's, he's gone really deep.

[25:53] Jess: Um, technically all Wookiees are groomers, because they have to groom themselves.

[26:04] Andrew: Is this entertaining?

[26:06] Jess: I'm enjoying myself thoroughly, imagining who made this.

[26:11] Andrew: Is this like a comedy scene? Is this, are we, is this drama?

[26:15] Jess: Um, Art Carney is technically a comedian.

[26:21] Andrew: So, let's just break this down into Earth terms.

[26:23] Jess: A Nazi walks in, and you're trying to sell him stuff, and...

[26:29] Andrew: All that.

[26:30] Jess: Now, would you like to pay me something for it, or give me something in trade?

[26:35] Andrew: Or sexually.

[26:38] Jess: Yep, Nazis, they just steal stuff.

[26:41] Andrew: I thought I might embarrass you, but I told you to accept it as a gift!

[26:46] Jess: I don't like embarrassing people.

[26:49] Andrew: I don't like being embarrassed myself, that's why I don't like to embarrass people.

[26:54] Jess: I just said that.

[26:57] Andrew: Just improvise, Art, think of something.

[27:00] Jess: Make this entertaining somehow, do it.

[27:03] Andrew: Just do it.

[27:04] Jess: You gonna yell cut any day?

[27:06] Andrew: Oh, it's him, they showed up!

[27:16] Jess: Yeah, he just, we already know you want the rebels located and identified.

[27:21] Andrew: It's the only thing you ever want.

[27:24] Jess: General Motors.

[27:25] Andrew: They're the reason we have this special, let's thank them.

[27:28] Jess: Thank you, General Motors.

[27:31] Andrew: General Motors, people transporting people to bring people to people that build transportation for people.

[27:41] Jess: Willie Rawls looks like the coolest motherfucker on the planet.

[27:45] Andrew: Replace any absentees.

[27:49] Jess: Remember when there were like middle class jobs that paid well?

[27:52] Andrew: Like proper working class jobs?

[27:56] Jess: Yeah.

[27:57] Andrew: Wait, I don't remember that, because that was before I was born.

[28:00] Jess: Yeah, it hasn't existed in our lifetime, sadly enough.

[28:04] Andrew: Willie Rawls probably got a really good pension and all that, and then he got taken away from him in the bubble crash in 2008.

[28:13] Jess: Yeah, Union's good.

[28:15] Andrew: You think he's still alive?

[28:17] Jess: Let's look it up, Willie Rawls.

[28:19] Andrew: He looks old, he's gotta be dead now.

[28:22] Jess: Yeah.

[28:23] Andrew: I think he's dead. General Motors. This is such a bad tactic. People building transportation to serve people. Okay, this toy looks cool as fuck though. Like, we use this. Wait, it follows the line? Yeah, that's fucking cool, right? Why doesn't it... Why don't we have these still? NOT A WAVY LINE! Wait, this is, like, actually great. Why did we stop making these? What happens when you fill up the mat? Does it only work on the mat? Why are we... Oh! We're having too good a time. They drew one painting for this whole thing. I'll use that to gut my son open. This is, like, the worst sitcom of all time. It's like Everybody Loves Raymond, with even less laughs. Everybody Hates Chewbacca. That was a funny, like, double take.

Alright, are you going to turn on some TV? THERE WE ARE, ANDREW! I can't wait to learn. Are you ready? Try to follow along real quick, Andrew. Let's see if you can do this. Is this Drax? Is it Blackface 2? So, Bantha Surprise does exist, and you can make it at home. It is included in the LifeJade Cookbook, that they did sell. It's a healthy meat stew. Okay. Do you have to stir whip, stir whip, whip, whip, stir, though? I feel like you have to, but you have to get all those extra arms. So, this is Harvey Korman. What is this? I feel bad, because they just gave them the premise, and then asked them, like, improvise something, right? You've seen Julia Child do a pastiche on that. You know what a Star Wars thing is, right?

You watched Star Wars once. I've heard the word Bantha before. This is so much better than I remember it. It's so good. Just a little whisper of chelto. Of what now? A whisper of chelto. Guess what I forgot? A bit of the Calorantrum root. Wonderful. Just adds that touch of frequency. There we go. Very nice. Do people ever actually cook to TV shows? No, they would write down what they were saying, and then cook to that, sincerely. And guess what we're ready for now? The cooking! Because in the set, you didn't really have VHS yet. Yeah, and it's like, are you really just going to have the ingredients on hand to do this? Just because Julia Child happened to be on TV that evening. Right there, Andrew.

Whip, whip, whip, stir. Precision is very important. Whip, stir, whip, whip, whip, stir, stir, whip, stir, whip, whip, whip, stir. This could be funny if there was music or anything to signify that we're supposed to laugh. It's beat, beat, beat. Or even a cut. It's so dry. It's like, it is funny, but I feel like for a mainstream audience this would just be confusing. It feels like a temptation. There's a joke, there's a premise. Like, it feels like you have to be paying attention to get the joke. Like, there's some funny stuff going on here. Like, the increasing number of hands is good. I want more. Can we get six? But like, there's no way a mainstream audience is going to be laughing about this.

No, in fact, I'm pretty sure they've turned on something else at this point, and they're angry the Incredible Hulk is not on. Oh, Star Wars is on. Oh wait, no, this is like... Oh, they turned back to Star Wars! The movie changed the channel! They knew that we were getting bored, so they had to turn the Star Wars back on. Oh, oh, they died. Look at all the murders Chewbacca, our loving hero, committed in this, like, small scene. I mean, they had it coming. Why does, uh, Chewbacca do it? What do you mean? Like, the Wookiee planet seems incredibly peaceful and unaffected by any of this. I don't know, like, you're still on Nazi lockdown, and you want to sell drugs with your boyfriend. Like, what's not, like, Chewbacca is just a drug dealer that, like, his nice family unit, and he goes off to sell drugs with his buddy.

That's true, he doesn't even join the Rebellion, he joins Han Solo. And Han Solo was not part of the Rebellion originally. No, he was just a drug dealer. Legitimately, he just doesn't give a shit. He doesn't care about his family. It's freaking bad. He's flying around with Gutspring. Due to suspected rebel activity on the Kazook planet, the Empire has declared martial law. A blockade has been set up around the planet. No ships will be permitted to land or take off until further notice. Is Luke Skywalker going then? I don't even know. That'll make Darth Vader the tank. Breaking Bad takes a drastic turn, and King Walter finds himself fighting Nazis. All the fucking racists that saw Walter as the hero, the minute he starts, like, hating the Nazis, it's like, oh, it's too far for me.

It's completely out of character for him. I mean, it kind of is. He does direct it with Nazis, I'm sure. Yeah. Alright. Oh, we got a thing. You know what, it would have been funny. What would have been a great gag? They got this whole thing where they're all speaking Wookiee, right? Yeah. And these people show up and they all speak English. What if just one of them was, like, attempting to speak Wookiee? He's like, I've been doing a few lessons. Okay, one of my favorite Star Wars things in the last 10 years is Solo, because I think that movie actually kind of fucks. But there is a scene where Han Solo speaks Wookiee, and he's like, I know a little. And it's one of the best scenes of that movie.

That's like an actually good gag, though, right? Yeah. It's such a funny joke. And it was obviously written by the Lego movie guys. I mean, stop flirting with me. I'm married. Everyone's trying to fuck Malin. That's so weird. I don't like that. Where's my hug energy? I like their, like, dogs. It's weird. Is that why he's allowed his cyber jacket in the living room? Like, when a dog starts humping a stuffed toy in the living room? He's like, you gotta let him finish. Wookiees just have different culture, okay? It's acceptable for them. By that case, Lumpy isn't Chewbacca's son. It's Lumpy's son, because they have, like, the mating habits of dogs. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Oh my god, they gotta sneak and spell. I forgot about this. There's, like, a whole thing, and there's no gag. There's no jokes or anything. It's literally just he's trying to put together a widget. And it's like, we don't even know what it's supposed to do. Are you ready? Proton Pack? What is this, Ghostbusters? I thought you might like this. It's one of those, uh, it's a real, it's kind of hard to explain. It's a, uh, wow. You know what I mean? Sounds like you're giving, giving him porn. Happy Life Day. Happy Life Day. I do mean Happy Life Day. It's explicit. He's gonna get a blow job. Yeah. I love it! When you, uh, load up Pornhub, and this comes up.

When you actually load up Pornhub, but you're connected to the Bluetooth speaker in the living room. And you're in the living room, and all your family's in the living room. When you put this on your iPad, and you're hoping no one's looking behind you, but you accidentally are, like, streaming to the TV. And you're actually watching it on the TV, and you're... Oh, look, sperm! I'm glad you're here. It's really... Wow. Wow! What are we supposed to be getting from this? Around, obviously. Look, like, yeah, like... I know the variety shows were, like, a big thing in the 70s, but, like, weren't they usually, like, sketch comedy, and then, like, a song, and... Well, we just had sketch comedy with the stirred whip, and now we're getting a song!

It's exactly like that, Andrew. This is a song. This is not a song. Maybe it becomes a song, but this is not a song. It does. Oh, you can feel my creation. Wait, is she interpreted to be, like... What the fuck? What the fuck is this? I mean, where did Art Carney get this, and how much did he pay? I'm asking for unrelated reasons. Is this being streamed in his brain, and also from his brain? Like, she's being created by him? No, he's got a VR headset on. No, because his eyes aren't covered, so he's not seeing this in his eyes. He's seeing it in his brain. He's getting brainalized right now. So, when I think of people that are like, the Last Jedi is the worst thing to ever happen to Star Wars, I feel like they haven't sat down to watch this before.

This is our moment together in time. This is incredible. And this was the second ever Star Wars thing ever made, right? Yeah. It was the first movie, and then this. Yeah. So, like, technically, this is the first sequel. Yeah, this is the first sequel. It's the quadrilogy. This is two hours. That should count as a movie. It's longer than the movie. Um, yeah, this is, like, the weirdest— Like, this isn't sexy. It's just overtly sexual, but not sexy. It's not sexy, but it's very clear that he's getting off. I think this song fucks. No pun intended. But is she a living sperm? Like, is that what the imagery was supposed to be from the start? Like, she is a sperm? She is what Wookiees find the most attractive. Come all over your head? I think we can't really know. Like, what do Wookiees think is hot? I feel like what Wookiees would think is hot is, like, lots of hair.

[42:35] Andrew: So the French... The one French man that watches Musicals with Cheese, I'll tell you and sold my culture and beautiful hairy women. You think this song fucks. I like it. It sounds like a rejected James Bond song. It does, that's kind of why I like it. This minute now. It's good. And Diane Carroll's good. She just died recently. I think she like died a couple weeks ago. She died, oh, two years ago. October 4th, 2019. I'm stupid. So the holiday special is... Yes, sir. It's obviously fucking weird. This is fucking weird. Yeah. Is this completely decanonized from Star Wars? No, no, there are specific things that are canon. The animated segment is specifically mentioned in Empire Strikes Back. Really?

Yes. So it is canon, even though they aired it one time and then tried to make everyone forget that it exists. Yes. Also, the Bea Arthur character is mentioned in even Disney material nowadays. Life Day is mentioned quite often nowadays. But how come this isn't like aired anywhere? Because George Lucas is embarrassed by it and millionaires get what they want, millionaires get what they want. You think when George Lucas, you know, goes, this will start showing up places like Disney Plus or whatever? Well, the animated segment's on Disney Plus already. Oh. But we do have some officially released Star Wars holiday special content. I mean, I think Star Wars fans in particular have a very good way of taking completely awful stuff and then just deciding retroactively that it was good, so.

[45:01] Jess: They do. Is that you talking about the prequel series right there? Yes. Which I remember for the longest time everyone saying was absolutely the worst thing ever, ever, ever, ever. And then like in the last like three years, it's now suddenly become, actually, there's a lot of really good ideas in there and it's really cool. Um, I think it's because the people that grew up with it grew up and it was their nostalgia piece. Oh god, we're just cutting out that to Princess Leia. The prequels suck, by the way. They always have and they always will. I don't care. There's moments I like. The first one is so fucking boring. I actually think the first one's my favorite. Well, I guess she likes sleeping because I fell asleep trying to watch it.

The first one looks like a movie. The second two look like video games. All three of them are awful. I don't really. If they didn't have the Star Wars name on them, they would not be remembered at all for anything. I think they have good casting choices in them. I think some of the practical effects are pretty impressive. That's about all I got to say. It would be best if we forgot they existed. I don't know. They've got memes. I like the memes of the prequels. The memes are funny, but the memes are only funny in the context that the movies are awful.

[48:38] Andrew: Carrie Fisher looks rough here. If you would permit me. No, she's not alone. She's with a friend. A friend? What about her family? I'm with the person cucking Chewbacca. C-3PO should have just- This is my new husband! I'm Sondag, a local trader. A friend of the Rebellion and a member of the Alliance. Good. Look, I know I can count on you to take care of my friends until their leader- How do you know that? You'll do that for me, won't you? Yes, indeed, ma'am. That's what I'm here for. She's royalty, call her your highness, you fucking piece of shit. Oh, and now the pants are coming off. Can you really be royalty if the planet that you were royalty on got blown up? That's a good question. What is your opinion?

No. Okay, the stupidest thing about the prequels is they make her mom a queen and then they also make her a princess, but not because her mom's a queen, but for some other unrelated thing. That is the stupidest part of the prequels to me. It's like George Lucas thought of that, like, well, she's a princess, so her mom has to be a queen. And then he's like, wait, but she's like queen of- she's like prince of a different planet, so I don't know. Makes no fucking sense, Andrew.

[51:07] Jess: So it's a long walk. Little exercise never hurt anybody? Stop fan-shaming me! Happy life day, pal. Do you think Dexter Jetster celebrates life day? Um, he does get converted for his wife. He was a wookie. Of course, but he did convert, so he wasn't born that way. What'd I tell you? Must be Chewbacca now. Oh my god, I wonder who's gonna be at the door, Andrew! Nazis! Andrew, don't you hate it when the Nazis show up for Christmas? It happens every year. All in the family? Is that the show with the really racist guy? Yeah, and then the wife with the annoying voice. Yeah, I feel like that show did a lot for normalizing racism, in a casual sense. Yeah, same with the boondocks, strangely enough. Not any critique against the creators, but a lot of white people watch the boondocks and made- liked characters unironically, despite being made ironically. I think when you're a horrible person, you're unable to recognize irony.

[54:00] Andrew: My god, they have two different sides of a medicine chest. She's got Comtrex? I'm gonna google to see if Comtrex still exists, or if they got sued by someone. No, Comtrex still exists! Yeah, good on them. Buy it on Amazon. Don't buy it. Are you ready for, like, the best song to define the 20th century? This is honestly the best song in the holiday special. Remember when we had unions? Like, really good unions. The union label! Yeah, geez, I kind of wish we had stuff like this right now. Like, actual, like, union commercials. Yes! I think this is actually good marketing and important. I think- Yeah, unions have got a bad rep right now, because somehow everyone got convinced that unions were all run by mafia.

I don't know what propaganda campaign pulled that off, but they did. Probably something Reagan did. This is the pre-Reagan America right here. Yeah. And it looks beautiful. That we can make a holiday special and support unions. And casual racism. All at the same time. Snoopy! And Woodstock! Thank you, my darling! I feel like in the 70s, though, America was heading in a good way, and then suddenly Reagan. Reagan ruined fucking everything. Yeah, kind of. Andrew, why don't you buy me a cell phone this year? That's not a cell phone, that's a house phone. A telephone. A Bell Electronics telephone.

[56:00] Jess: The Star Wars holiday special will continue in a moment. The Bible, the story of Adam and Eve. The Bible? Of Cain and Abel. Oh, shit. Man, they're just- They're playing Children of Eden, the musical. The story of Abraham, of Sodom and Gomorrah, and Noah and the Great Flood. The Bible, Saturday on CBS at 8. Who needs to go to church? Just watch it on TV! Just watch the Bible. Oh, sick, baseball. The Bears. Remember when I hit three home runs? I'm so glad I have my own candy. Two unrelated statements. Remember how good a baseball player I am? I also have a candy. They only taste pretty good. That should have been the tagline. They only taste pretty good. Reggie candy. They still make them. Oh no, it's discontinued.

How much more do we have of this? We're not even at the halfway point, Andrew. Oh my fucking Christ. Andrew, we've got so many highlights to get to. I feel like we've already gone through the biggest highlight, which was the stir wit part. Oh no, no, we haven't gotten to the cartoon, or the Bea Arthur, or- I'm like genuinely not looking forward to the cartoon, because I feel like it would just be normal Star Wars stuff, and I don't want to watch that. It's got some goofy animation. Like, the animation alone is wonderful. So have you watched the Guardians of the Galaxy holiday special? No. Is it good? Yeah, it's good. James Gunn went into it saying, I want to do everything the Star Wars holiday special is trying to do, but better.

So does it follow a family of people that can't speak English? Like at all? And not even any other language? They just speak nonsense? Um, no, but they do have song numbers. They do have animated segments. No, but they do have song numbers. They do have animated segments, and they do follow Drax and Mantis as opposed to the main. But it works. It really, really works. I mean, I feel like the thing that doesn't work about this isn't like the idea behind it. It's everything else. Like, a variety show is fine. They're not popular nowadays, but like the idea behind it is fine. At the time, it was really, really big. And I actually wouldn't mind the variety show coming back, you know? Yeah, I feel like right now, people like to take themselves too seriously.

They're like unwilling to like enjoy things that are fun. It's why you need to make comments about how every musical is like, oh no, are we really singing now? Haha. Oh, that's that's stupid. Isn't it stupid that we're singing? Yeah. Okay. Man, I hate when my when it's Christmas Eve, my house gets raided by the Mantis. Last year was the worst because they took a lot of my presents, like straight up. What'd they take? Like, I just, I had a bunch of stuff. I didn't even open them. I don't know what they were. And they just kind of grabbed them and walked out. I think your mom might have just tricked you, put a bunch of empty boxes under the tree and then paid some people to steal them.

[56:48] Andrew: Maybe they changed it because they appeared in a Star Wars property.

[56:52] Jess: Maybe, but here it is. And for this one, I'm going to use the restroom, so make some jokes, Andrew.

[56:58] Andrew: Alright, I will make as many jokes as the movie.

[57:05] Jess: Okay, we got the purple, blue...

[57:09] Andrew: So this scene, we're supposed to watch a Nazi get entertained by a rock band from the 70s.

[57:19] Jess: And we are supposed to be entertained by that.

[57:22] Andrew: I feel like you could think of a much better way to introduce this segment than a distraction for the Empire when they invade your looky house.

[57:40] Jess: If you were this band, would you be happy that you're being shown as entertaining to fascists?

[57:57] Andrew: I mean, it depends on the world you're in.

[58:01] Jess: Jess, did you just pee outside?

[58:04] Andrew: No.

[58:05] Jess: He did! I know how far away his house is from his recording. There's no way he went all the way in there.

[58:17] Andrew: I 100% did. I ran.

[58:20] Jess: Damn, he was looking.

[58:22] Andrew: I did. I can actually make that run very quick now.

[58:27] Jess: When we do our shows, we see our time to pee, whether it's Andrew's turn or my turn, and I always try to make it back before Andrew finishes the list.

[58:40] Andrew: He books it, apparently.

[58:42] Jess: There's no space to pee outside, or else I would, but there's nowhere to go where you can really be hidden.

[58:49] Andrew: I feel like they do a terrible job making these segments feel like Star Wars.

[58:55] Jess: What did they do? They put a blue glow over stuff? A pink glow?

[59:00] Andrew: Like a little bit of some electronic shit coming out?

[59:04] Jess: That's all they did. There's nothing Star Wars-y about this, though.

[59:09] Andrew: Except for their name. Their name is the most Star Wars-y thing about them, and that's Jefferson Starship.

[59:15] Jess: Isn't it weird, though, that they're being introduced to this as a thing used to distract the Empire?

[59:24] Andrew: Yeah. How would you picture Star Wars Holiday Special? Let's pretend you are in the writers' room in 1977, having to make this special.

[59:33] Jess: And let's just say you have to include all these aspects, like musical numbers and vignettes. How would you do it?

[59:44] Andrew: I mean, the last thing we saw is the Rebels took down the Death Star, right? Maybe we have the Rebel afterparty or something, and we see different things happening.

[59:59] Jess: There's comedy, and songs, and they're singing, and whatever.

[1:00:06] Andrew: Yeah, that could work. Or maybe they're lost on a planet trying to get Chewbacca home.

[1:00:11] Jess: They're telling stories or something?

[1:00:13] Andrew: No, they go to different towers and locations hiding from the peace Nazis, and they go to a dive bar, and they see these things.

[1:00:22] Jess: And there's some action going on in the audience.

[1:00:25] Andrew: I just feel like I would do probably anything except follow a family of white suburban Wookiees.

[1:00:35] Jess: Wookiee Anglo-Saxons.

[1:00:40] Andrew: What is the acronym for WASP?

[1:00:44] Jess: Wookiee Anglo-Saxon Protestant?

[1:00:47] Andrew: Yes.

[1:00:58] Jess: Will you light the sky on fire, Andrew?

[1:01:01] Andrew: Why is this soldier so into this?

[1:01:06] Jess: Remember this time?

[1:01:11] Andrew: Wouldn't the soldier be like, yeah, okay, whatever. After at least 30 seconds of this, he'd be like, yeah, it's really interesting. I've got other stuff to attend to.

[1:01:23] Jess: Maybe the Nazis are just more incompetent than I thought they were.

[1:01:30] Andrew: I mean, they are incompetent. It's just usually they're more self-serious. They wouldn't be entertained by something like this.

[1:01:36] Jess: Yeah. That's the problem with Nazis. They want to be taken seriously so badly.

[1:01:47] Andrew: Alright.

[1:01:49] Jess: Look at the eyes and mouth.

[1:01:53] Andrew: Like Mickey Mouse.

[1:01:55] Jess: Oh, they weren't owned by them yet.

[1:02:07] Andrew: Is there more? I want more Jessica Starship.

[1:02:10] Jess: Is there more? Hang on.

[1:02:13] Andrew: Just imagine doing this recording.

[1:02:16] Jess: I like...

[1:02:18] Andrew: I like...

[1:02:20] Jess: I like bad.

[1:02:35] Andrew: It's got a whole aspect with me.

[1:02:37] Jess: I like this guy's thing. He's just snapping a bunch.

[1:02:51] Andrew: I will give this credit. This is the first time, like, the Stormtroopers are actually a proper threat.

[1:03:04] Jess: Comedy.

[1:03:05] Andrew: This is hilarious.

[1:03:26] Jess: That's his thing. He just snaps in front of people. I don't know why.

[1:03:31] Andrew: The Incredible Hulk turns on.

[1:03:41] Jess: That was the gif.

[1:03:47] Andrew: Lumpy.

[1:03:55] Jess: He's still in his jerk-off chair.

[1:04:00] Andrew: This minute now, he misses the Nazis because he's too busy whacking him in the middle of the living room.

[1:04:05] Jess: The Nazis are just like, whatever, I don't care.

[1:04:09] Andrew: Cartoon time, Andrew.

[1:04:14] Jess: Alright.

[1:04:16] Andrew: We're going to watch some Star Wars cartoon.

[1:04:20] Jess: I don't know, like, in the universe, like, why would there be a Star Wars cartoon?

[1:04:31] Andrew: Why would this be allowed to be made and aired in the Star Wars universe?

[1:04:36] Jess: Yeah, like, imagine you had an underground TV show for, like...

[1:04:40] Andrew: I guess that's not the most ridiculous thing.

[1:04:42] Jess: This is like if there was, like, an ISIS TV show in America that was just getting aired.

[1:04:47] Andrew: It was like a cartoon for kids about, like...

[1:04:49] Jess: Yeah, to go on the T'Vorah server to watch this kid's show.

[1:05:01] Andrew: Sup, bruh.

[1:05:03] Jess: Oh my god.

[1:05:04] Andrew: God, those cheekbones.

[1:05:10] Jess: Andrew, that's what you're going to look like when you're 85.

[1:05:13] Andrew: That's you.

[1:05:14] Jess: I hope so. I really hope so.

[1:05:16] Andrew: That would be wonderful.

[1:05:25] Jess: He looks like Dr. Robotnik or something.

[1:05:29] Andrew: This was his origin story before he became Impari.

[1:05:38] Jess: I like how everyone moves like they're gooey.

[1:05:49] Andrew: Is this the most useful C-3PO has ever been?

[1:05:52] Jess: Yeah, probably. I mean, he is literally used for protocol and etiquette.

[1:05:57] Andrew: They keep freeing him to do other shit, but his only job is to translate.

[1:06:01] Jess: I don't think that's C-3PO's fault.

[1:06:08] Andrew: Pretty sure he was actually designed to just be Anakin Skywalker's best friend.

[1:06:14] Jess: No, he's supposed to help amateurs.

[1:06:16] Andrew: Star Wars?

[1:06:22] Jess: The prequels actively ruined a lot of stuff about Star Wars, and people just don't even talk about that.

[1:06:30] Andrew: Meta-chlorians are canon. They never removed it.

[1:06:34] Jess: I don't even hate meta-chlorians.

[1:06:38] Andrew: Everyone's like, that's the number one sin. I'm like, there's so many worse things.

[1:06:42] Jess: Worse things, yes, but lore-wise, that is horrible.

[1:06:46] Andrew: I don't understand why it's so... Why, though?

[1:06:50] Jess: It already kind of is like this because Star Wars fans and Star Wars writers are weird, but it makes the Force into this thing you could genetically select for, so it kind of...

[1:07:02] Andrew: It's bad.

[1:07:04] Jess: For some reason, that was the way my brain always interpreted it.

[1:07:08] Andrew: I always thought, hey, you gotta kind of be foreign with it.

[1:07:12] Jess: But isn't your favorite Star Wars movie right now the one that tried to...

[1:07:15] Andrew: Yeah, yeah, no, no, I agree. I mean, as a kid, it didn't... It doesn't bother me that much, but I'm not gonna be like, oh boy, I'm glad it's there, but it doesn't ruin it for me.

[1:07:27] Jess: And there he is, boys!

[1:07:29] Andrew: We did it.

[1:07:32] Jess: Wait, did he just help them?

[1:07:35] Andrew: Yeah. He's a good guy for a little bit.

[1:07:39] Jess: That's weird.

[1:07:43] Andrew: You are alone?

[1:07:45] Jess: I have two droids. We've come in search of a ship that crashed near here.

[1:07:48] Andrew: Maybe I can help you. I am Boba Fett. The ship you seek is nearby.

[1:07:54] Jess: Wait, you don't have a New Zealand accent. You can't be Boba Fett.

[1:07:59] Andrew: He has more lines in this than he does in Empire.

[1:08:02] Jess: Yes, he does.

[1:08:03] Andrew: And Return of the Jedi combined.

[1:08:07] Jess: He doesn't have any lines in Return of the Jedi, except for...

[1:08:11] Andrew: He does the Wilhelm scream, right?

[1:08:14] Jess: I know he screams.

[1:08:22] Andrew: You don't? You willingly worked for them not very long after this.

[1:08:26] Jess: Don't you think it might be imprudent to trust him so quickly, sir?

[1:08:30] Andrew: He's our only chance. And besides, he seems like a friend.

[1:08:36] Jess: Thank you for being a friend.

[1:08:38] Andrew: Why do they mention that he's a friend in this, and then immediately turn him against everybody the next time he appears?

[1:08:47] Jess: They explain it in this. Like, this is a whole story in this little short animated segment.

[1:08:51] Andrew: To its credit, it is a whole complete narrative.

[1:08:55] Jess: What's wrong?

[1:08:56] Andrew: I would watch this show, sincerely. I kind of wish they had just done this.

[1:08:59] Jess: It's, like, genuinely strange.

[1:09:00] Andrew: Don't destroy it!

[1:09:04] Jess: Boba Fett, no! He's a friend!

[1:09:07] Andrew: Don't hurt him!

[1:09:10] Jess: What did he do to Luke?

[1:09:13] Andrew: He didn't do anything.

[1:09:15] Jess: Why, what?

[1:09:16] Andrew: The one time he would probably, like, growl to talk, he's not gonna do it, but everyone else is?

[1:09:22] Jess: It's some kind of sleeping virus that only affects humans.

[1:09:27] Andrew: Oh, what a sexy walk Boba Fett just had. He was strutting.

[1:09:31] Jess: I know this sleeping virus the Empire uses on its enemies. They have a remedy for it in the city. I can get some for you.

[1:09:40] Andrew: I'm afraid Chewbacca insists on going with you.

[1:09:43] Jess: You will only get in the way. But if you must, come on.

[1:09:48] Andrew: Wait, so Boba Fett is, like, actively a good guy. Like, he's just willingly saving Luke's life for no real reason.

[1:09:56] Jess: Yeah, I guess.

[1:09:59] Andrew: That's where all your poop goes in Star Wars. Down a waterfall.

[1:10:09] Jess: Why would the Empire sell a remedy for a virus that they're using on their enemies?

[1:10:13] Andrew: Stay here. While I get the serum.

[1:10:19] Jess: I said stay, friend. Luke trusted me, and I'm your only chance of getting out of here alive. Do you understand me?

[1:10:33] Andrew: Oh god, that- whatever that fucking-

[1:10:35] Jess: What was that?

[1:10:36] Andrew: That was horrific.

[1:10:38] Jess: It had a little balloon on its ass.

[1:10:43] Andrew: He had no idea of his real plan.

[1:10:46] Jess: Oh, he had a real plan? Oh, he wanted to capture them.

[1:10:52] Andrew: Gotta get my ATM.

[1:10:54] Jess: I have made contact with the rebels and all is proceeding as you wish, Darth Vader.

[1:10:59] Andrew: Dang.

[1:11:03] Jess: What is it now? The cartoon got too intense!

[1:11:09] Andrew: Free spray!

[1:11:13] Jess: Wait, where, what is, what?

[1:11:22] Andrew: Why did they show that twice? I don't know.

[1:11:24] Jess: Why is there a TV show that actively shows the Empire as the bad guys?

[1:11:33] Andrew: Like, it's like anti-propaganda. Also, his, like, his dad is in the TV show?

[1:11:43] Jess: Yeah, dad! This was his dad's failed pilot that got rejected by Nickelodeon.

[1:11:48] Andrew: I don't understand. Like, I get that they wanted to show this, but why not just, like, show it in, without context? Like, just, and now for a short cartoon or something, you know?

[1:12:05] Jess: He's watching anti-Empire propaganda while the Empire is searching his apartment, and his dad is in, is in the show that he's watching.

[1:12:18] Andrew: Oh my god. Look, I want that yellow cake! Yeah, Jane!

[1:12:35] Jess: There's pudding in the mix. Do they still make cake with pudding in the mix?

[1:12:41] Andrew: You could just add pudding. I think I'm gonna do that.

[1:12:46] Jess: Moisture cake. You literally, yeah, you literally don't need to buy it with the pudding already in there. You can just add it yourself.

[1:12:55] Andrew: Oh god, what's happening here?

[1:12:59] Jess: These are Hungry Jack biscuits. Why, they bake up all big, hot, flaky, and delicious.

[1:13:04] Andrew: I tell you, they're big enough to fill up even a king-size appetite.

[1:13:08] Jess: I thought they were supposed to be filling, why would he want more?

[1:13:19] Andrew: Because they're so good, Andrew.

[1:13:23] Jess: They're so fucking good.

[1:13:31] Andrew: All right, what's the news, Andrew?

[1:13:38] Jess: What's a neutron bomb?

[1:13:43] Andrew: It's something that the Soviets made up, or that the American TV studios made up the other way.

[1:13:58] Jess: Yay, that's where I am!

[1:14:09] Andrew: So they thought because everyone would be snowed in, they'd start fucking a bunch and a lot of babies? Is that literally what the news was? That seems to be the case.

[1:14:27] Jess: Go home! Cut?

[1:14:39] Andrew: Man, I'm really glad I didn't do any of this.

[1:14:45] Jess: Imagine if this was all you had to watch.

[1:14:49] Andrew: Yeah, there's like, this is like six channels and this is one of them.

[1:14:54] Jess: And the other ones are playing the same stuff.

[1:14:57] Andrew: Yeah, but worse.

[1:15:05] Jess: It's Mario! Swing your arms from side to side!

[1:15:19] Andrew: Okay, yeah.

[1:15:27] Jess: I was watching this TV show. It's just porn! Just like my grandpa, just watching porn!

[1:15:44] Andrew: Killing zombies in Fallout again, all right.

[1:15:47] Jess: I like that Darku had like a beanie for a second.

[1:16:17] Andrew: Wait, so Boba Fett fails to capture them here, and then they re-hire him again in Empire to capture him again?

[1:16:30] Jess: Um, assuming, because remember that Momo and Darth Vader's like, no disintegration, pointing to Boba Fett? I feel like they have a relationship, and one time Boba Fett just disintegrated someone, and Darth Vader's like, what the fuck, man?

[1:16:47] Andrew: Oh my god!

[1:17:05] Jess: His head looks like a penis.

[1:17:12] Andrew: Yeah, hon, what happened?

[1:17:17] Jess: He sleeps face down on like a rock.

[1:17:24] Andrew: He went to a facial reconstruction center and said, I'm going for an Easter Island look.

[1:17:37] Jess: I wouldn't say that.

[1:17:40] Andrew: I think he's, uh, that hired bounty hunter.

[1:17:42] Jess: Darth Vader doesn't have a right hand, man. He doesn't even have a right hand.

[1:18:05] Andrew: He didn't smell right.

[1:18:07] Jess: That's it?

[1:18:16] Andrew: Not even, it wasn't even good.

[1:18:23] Jess: That's also your review of the entire special.

[1:18:26] Andrew: That's it? It wasn't even good.

[1:18:29] Jess: They're not even searching, they're just like, throwing stuff for no reason.

[1:18:32] Andrew: They're just, it's, yeah.

[1:18:36] Jess: Just like, whatever, just trash it, I don't care.

[1:18:40] Andrew: There could be cocaine in this Bantha toy. Let's rip it open.

[1:18:48] Jess: Oh?

[1:18:51] Andrew: Not sure.

[1:18:52] Jess: Oh?

[1:18:58] Andrew: Not checking for cocaine.

[1:19:05] Jess: God, I hope there's cocaine in here.

[1:19:08] Andrew: You get the coke?

[1:19:15] Jess: All right, we destroyed everything.

[1:19:17] Andrew: All right, we did it, dad.

[1:19:22] Jess: Nothing up there.

[1:19:32] Andrew: Did you find any pictures of Chewbacca?

[1:19:35] Jess: Go clean up your room.

[1:19:44] Andrew: You're not my real dad.

[1:19:48] Jess: You're just a Nazi.

[1:19:51] Andrew: My dad's a terrorist.

[1:19:53] Jess: You're just a Nazi.

[1:20:04] Andrew: Oh no, they spilled my color crayons all over the floor.

[1:20:07] Jess: I was collecting them.

[1:20:15] Andrew: Oh no, my pillow wife.

[1:20:22] Jess: I gotta bury her at sea, I promised her.

[1:20:35] Andrew: Oh ho.

[1:20:36] Jess: Still more remorse than I felt when Han Solo died.

[1:20:53] Andrew: Honestly though, like, that death was so, like, nothing.

[1:20:57] Jess: What do you mean? It's like the death we all knew was coming, because that's the only reason why Harrison Ford came back.

[1:20:59] Andrew: Yeah, he literally came back so that they could never ask him to come back again.

[1:21:02] Jess: And then they asked him to come back again in the third one.

[1:21:06] Andrew: Did they?

[1:21:11] Jess: Yeah, he has a little cameo.

[1:21:15] Andrew: What, he's like a hacker?

[1:21:15] Jess: Or is he Skywalker?

[1:21:17] Andrew: No, he's a ghost, and he tells Kylo Ren to be good again.

[1:21:23] Jess: How is he a ghost if he doesn't have Force powers?

[1:21:25] Andrew: Yeah, well, when they asked Harrison Ford, so when you come back are you a Force ghost, his response was, I don't know what the fuck that means.

[1:21:36] Jess: He's like, do you think I watch these fucking movies?

[1:21:42] Andrew: And you know what, that's the only answer.

[1:21:46] Jess: Yeah, I don't know what the fuck that means.

[1:21:52] Andrew: Oh god, this part.

[1:22:00] Jess: This one, they gave him this thing, and they were like, tell jokes, and he's like, I got no jokes for this, so.

[1:22:09] Andrew: Well, no, it wasn't funny in the recording, so they thought they could make it funny in editing, and then it's even less funny.

[1:22:15] Jess: But now, let's get started, shall we?

[1:22:16] Andrew: Oh right, they make him glitch, right?

[1:22:19] Jess: Yeah, but they do it in editing, not physically.

[1:22:23] Andrew: Hilarious.

[1:22:24] Jess: I'm laughing, I'm rolling on the floor.

[1:22:27] Andrew: I'm raffling and LOLing all over the place.

[1:22:32] Jess: Oh my god, I'm building my own machine here, am I adulting?

[1:22:47] Andrew: The only tool I see here is you, Harvey Korman.

[1:22:56] Jess: This is awful.

[1:22:58] Andrew: What are you talking about?

[1:22:59] Jess: Imagine you and your kid, like, real excited to see the Star Wars holiday special.

[1:23:04] Andrew: It's an hour and 23 minutes in.

[1:23:08] Jess: Still got a half hour left.

[1:23:12] Andrew: Is there any hope that it'll get better?

[1:23:15] Jess: No.

[1:23:17] Andrew: Or do you just go and play goldfish or play Scrabble?

[1:23:20] Jess: Do you still have an hour and a half left?

[1:23:22] Andrew: Did you say that?

[1:23:23] Jess: No, no, you're an hour and a half in. There's only a half hour left.

[1:23:26] Andrew: Oh, thank fucking god.

[1:23:28] Jess: LOL

[1:23:37] Andrew: This is like, this is legitimately like what Tim and Eric humor is.

[1:23:40] Jess: Oooooh!

[1:23:41] Andrew: Foodie had me, like.

[1:23:43] Jess: This is like that, um, it's that new style, like uh, anti-comedy type stuff.

[1:23:48] Andrew: But this is like way before it.

[1:23:52] Jess: I love anti-comedy so much.

[1:23:55] Andrew: I just don't think this is executed.

[1:23:56] Jess: Yeah, this is not executed like.

[1:23:59] Andrew: Properly.

[1:24:01] Jess: But why does stir-whip kind of work and this doesn't?

[1:24:07] Andrew: Because the action of saying stir-whip, stir-whip, whip-whip-stir repeatedly forces you to laugh.

[1:24:20] Jess: Is he getting high?

[1:24:21] Andrew: No.

[1:24:24] Jess: Why would you release this?

[1:24:26] Andrew: Like, let's just say you're the company that makes this speak-and-spell thing.

[1:24:33] Jess: And why would you release this video?

[1:24:37] Andrew: Or is this like a YouTube tutorial where also he's getting screamed at by his wife in the background?

[1:24:44] Jess: He doesn't even complete, like, finish making the thing.

[1:24:49] Andrew: Was this included with the device?

[1:24:57] Jess: I don't know, Andrew.

[1:24:58] Andrew: I wish I had answers for you.

[1:25:00] Jess: I don't have anything.

[1:25:02] Andrew: Why does he push himself off with his nose?

[1:25:05] Jess: He wants death.

[1:25:06] Andrew: Death is the only relief of the existence.

[1:25:09] Jess: Why is Lumpy not-

[1:25:10] Andrew: Even remotely confused by the video.

[1:25:13] Jess: I mean, can you tell what emotion Lumpy's having?

[1:25:16] Andrew: I want Tobar!

[1:25:17] Jess: Tobar?

[1:25:18] Andrew: He's under my control.

[1:25:27] Andrew: I want this toy so badly.

[1:25:29] Andrew: I want to control this robot.

[1:25:30] Andrew: He can be my slave.

[1:25:33] Jess: I don't think it's able to do very much, Jess.

[1:25:35] Andrew: Look at how much better this toy is than the information ad we saw on the show.

[1:25:42] Jess: Tobar is robot spelled backwards.

[1:25:46] Andrew: It's true.

[1:25:50] Jess: This feels like the 80s here.

[1:25:56] Andrew: Well the 70s and the 80s weren't that far apart, believe it or not.

[1:26:00] Jess: 78 and 1980 weren't that far apart, you're right.

[1:26:03] Andrew: I'm stupid.

[1:26:05] Jess: You really are.

[1:26:06] Andrew: I am.

[1:26:07] Andrew: I'm really, really stupid.

[1:26:09] Andrew: I think the Star Wars Holiday Special directly inspired Alien.

[1:26:14] Jess: What do you mean?

[1:26:17] Andrew: I mean, that glitchy guy, I mean, they just made him a character in Alien, right?

[1:26:22] Jess: And named him Ash.

[1:26:23] Andrew: Yeah.

[1:26:24] Jess: I'm pretty sure Alien came out before this, though.

[1:26:28] Andrew: Wasn't Alien 79?

[1:26:29] Jess: Maybe.

[1:26:31] Andrew: I don't know why I thought 76, but that would be a little close.

[1:26:35] Jess: You're right, this was, Alien came out 8 months after this.

[1:26:43] Andrew: Yeah, I mean, movies only take 8 months to make, right?

[1:26:47] Jess: No.

[1:26:48] Andrew: What?

[1:26:49] Jess: They take longer than 8 months to make?

[1:26:51] Andrew: Yeah.

[1:26:52] Jess: That's ridiculous.

[1:26:53] Andrew: You're full of shit.

[1:26:54] Jess: Yeah, you're right.

[1:26:55] Andrew: I'm stupid.

[1:26:56] Jess: Jess doesn't know anything about making movies.

[1:26:59] Jess: I don't.

[1:27:01] Andrew: I'm so stupid.

[1:27:02] Jess: Oh, look!

[1:27:03] Jess: It's the map painting again!

[1:27:04] Andrew: I want to climb on that balcony so bad.

[1:27:09] Andrew: And jump off.

[1:27:10] Jess: Just like Lumpy.

[1:27:11] Jess: This is his Jacob's Ladder scenario.

[1:27:16] Andrew: He fell off that in the beginning of the film.

[1:27:19] Jess: It's just, now it won't end.

[1:27:21] Andrew: There still haven't left?

[1:27:24] Jess: No.

[1:27:25] Andrew: You guys are really inefficient here.

[1:27:27] Jess: It is required viewing for all members of the Imperial forces.

[1:27:32] Andrew: Are you ready for required viewing that everyone has to watch?

[1:27:35] Jess: I wonder why the whole Republic, like the Empire, has to watch this.

[1:27:43] Jess: This transmission is unrehearsed and unedited, and is hereby begun without further comment as to its lack of moral value.

[1:27:52] Andrew: I'm finished!

[1:27:53] Jess: What do you want to eat?

[1:27:54] Andrew: What do you want to eat?

[1:27:55] Jess: Hey, it's Frito.

[1:27:57] Andrew: Didn't you get shot?

[1:27:58] Jess: Fuck yeah.

[1:27:59] Andrew: Are you dead?

[1:28:01] Jess: Hey, he grew back.

[1:28:02] Andrew: He grew back.

[1:28:07] Jess: It's literally Satan.

[1:28:13] Andrew: Look, it's your mom.

[1:28:18] Jess: Why would they be required to watch this?

[1:28:20] Andrew: Look, it's Ballsack Man.

[1:28:21] Jess: They got his arm cut off.

[1:28:24] Andrew: They literally just got the costumes back out and just did it again.

[1:28:29] Jess: Yeah.

[1:28:30] Andrew: Have you seen the Richard Pryor skit where he calls one of the Star Wars characters the N-Word?

[1:28:35] Jess: No.

[1:28:38] Andrew: What?

[1:28:39] Jess: Yeah, Richard Pryor just goes up to, like, Frito and he's like, you look like an N-Word I know from Detroit.

[1:28:47] Andrew: Okay.

[1:28:49] Andrew: Did he not discover that the N-Word exists in the Star Wars world?

[1:28:55] Jess: I don't know if that's canon, Jess.

[1:28:58] Andrew: The holiday special's canon.

[1:29:09] Jess: I would actually watch this show.

[1:29:11] Jess: I like the author.

[1:29:12] Jess: She's charming.

[1:29:14] Andrew: Why would she work here, though?

[1:29:16] Jess: What do you mean?

[1:29:20] Andrew: I feel like she would support the Empire.

[1:29:24] Jess: Why is the Empire required to do this?

[1:29:27] Jess: She's a lesbian in canon.

[1:29:37] Andrew: Look, it's Harvey Korman again for the ninth time.

[1:29:44] Jess: Have any of these had anything to do with the holidays yet so far?

[1:29:48] Andrew: No.

[1:29:50] Jess: Of course, he has a hole in his head so he drinks it with it.

[1:29:54] Andrew: Why would he drink with his mouth?

[1:29:56] Jess: Obviously he drinks with the hole in his head.

[1:30:09] Andrew: Is that what that is?

[1:30:14] Jess: I don't think she's interested.

[1:30:18] Jess: She's a lesbian in canon because there are canon books that describe her and her wife.

[1:30:23] Andrew: Really?

[1:30:24] Jess: Yeah.

[1:30:25] Andrew: Are they trying to explain this?

[1:30:27] Jess: Yeah.

[1:30:44] Andrew: He's got six fingers, Andrew.

[1:30:46] Jess: Six fingers, that's hilarious.

[1:30:48] Andrew: Star Wars!

[1:30:51] Jess: He's got Mountain Dew back there.

[1:30:54] Andrew: What are these characters' names, do you think?

[1:30:57] Jess: I know his is Krelman and hers is Evangelina.

[1:31:02] Andrew: Okay, that makes sense.

[1:31:04] Jess: Well, I'm glad about that.

[1:31:06] Jess: You know, it's funny.

[1:31:07] Jess: A man can live as long as I have, through all the ups and downs, but just when he thinks it's over, someone cares for him again.

[1:31:15] Jess: I wasn't looking for that when I came in here.

[1:31:17] Andrew: God, this is, like, boring.

[1:31:21] Jess: I wasn't desperate, I wasn't begging, whining.

[1:31:23] Andrew: I didn't think it would be this boring.

[1:31:26] Jess: What did you think it would be?

[1:31:29] Andrew: I thought it would be terrible.

[1:31:31] Jess: I didn't think it would be boring.

[1:31:33] Andrew: Is it not terrible?

[1:31:36] Jess: It is terrible and boring.

[1:31:42] Andrew: Like, is there even anything to be said here?

[1:31:44] Jess: This is awkward and not entertaining in the slightest.

[1:31:51] Andrew: It's slightly entertaining.

[1:31:53] Andrew: Another drink. This one's on me.

[1:32:02] Jess: Oh my god.

[1:32:05] Andrew: He's drunk off his ass.

[1:32:07] Jess: He's gonna have liver poisoning of the brain.

[1:32:10] Andrew: Can you imagine drinking that much? Like, an entire pitcher of alcohol?

[1:32:16] Jess: I'm sure you can imagine it.

[1:32:19] Andrew: The grease night, I feel like we did that.

[1:32:25] Jess: And there's the look of a man about to jump off a bridge.

[1:32:30] Andrew: Come on, just sing the song. I know there's a song here that's, like, probably better than mine.

[1:32:34] Jess: They're still watching this!

[1:32:37] Andrew: Man, why do you think our bosses are making us watch this?

[1:32:40] Jess: They're talking and they're like, why are we being forced to watch this?

[1:32:43] Andrew: What?

[1:32:51] Jess: What the fuck does that mean?

[1:32:55] Andrew: Wait.

[1:32:59] Jess: The thing that they're being made to watch is happening at the same time?

[1:33:03] Andrew: Yeah, it's a livestream.

[1:33:05] Jess: It's a Twitch livestream.

[1:33:08] Andrew: Why are they being forced to watch it?

[1:33:10] Jess: I don't know.

[1:33:11] Andrew: Shouldn't there be, like, at least, like, some propaganda element where we're being shown, like, the Empire's, like, labeling some of these people, like, subversives or something?

[1:33:15] Jess: Like, anything?

[1:33:24] Andrew: We're being shut down due to COVID!

[1:33:41] Jess: So she's gotta sing a song because the Nazis are gonna shut her down.

[1:33:45] Andrew: To get everyone out.

[1:33:50] Jess: The wall screen?

[1:33:52] Andrew: Wall screen said it all.

[1:33:55] Jess: Nickel for every time I've said that one.

[1:34:11] Andrew: How dare you! You stop that! Stop talking!

[1:34:14] Jess: It's alright. I'll reason with you.

[1:34:18] Andrew: Like, she's playing a character, to her credit.

[1:34:21] Jess: She's, like, taking this seriously.

[1:34:23] Andrew: She really is.

[1:34:28] Jess: Bloodlow. Bloodlow, you of all creatures.

[1:34:30] Andrew: Bloodlow? Your name's Greedo!

[1:34:32] Jess: I'm Greedo's twin brother, Bloodlow!

[1:34:35] Andrew: It's literally the same costume.

[1:34:39] Jess: Short memory, eh, Thorpe?

[1:34:41] Andrew: Short memory!

[1:34:43] Jess: And an asshead!

[1:34:45] Andrew: Do you remember the time that...

[1:34:47] Jess: I don't believe we've met.

[1:34:50] Andrew: We're closed!

[1:34:52] Jess: That could have been funny.

[1:34:53] Andrew: I said we're closed.

[1:34:55] Jess: Look, I'm sorry, we are closed.

[1:34:57] Jess: The Empire just imposed a curfew on this planet.

[1:34:59] Andrew: Even to you, Satan.

[1:35:00] Jess: Everybody has to leave right now.

[1:35:02] Andrew: I thought the Empire didn't have control of this planet.

[1:35:04] Jess: Thorpe, I don't want any more trouble.

[1:35:06] Jess: You take care of the door.

[1:35:11] Andrew: Maybe I'm wrong. I don't remember.

[1:35:13] Andrew: I haven't actually watched Star Wars ever.

[1:35:15] Jess: It's like a gangster planet where they look the other way quite often.

[1:35:23] Andrew: Alright! Alright!

[1:35:25] Jess: Alright!

[1:35:27] Andrew: Alright!

[1:35:29] Jess: I can take a hint!

[1:35:31] Andrew: I will sing the Good Night song from Bear and the Big Blue House.

[1:35:40] Jess: Goodbye, goodbye, good friends, goodbye.

[1:35:43] Andrew: I get that one confused with Out of the Box.

[1:35:45] Jess: Like, so long, farewell.

[1:35:49] Andrew: That one.

[1:35:50] Jess: Yeah.

[1:35:52] Jess: Out of the box.

[1:35:56] Jess: I think it is neat that they took this little Star Wars song and turned it into a song.

[1:36:01] Jess: And I kind of like the song.

[1:36:03] Jess: Like, because Bea Arthur is an engaging human being.

[1:36:06] Jess: She's like the one actual actor in this.

[1:36:12] Andrew: I do think that the use of friend to end every single line is annoying, though.

[1:36:17] Jess: I mean, that's like this entire special.

[1:36:19] Jess: Even the animated part, they like said friend at the end of everything.

[1:36:24] Andrew: Yes, it's a crime, friend.

[1:36:30] Jess: I guess it makes it easy to write a song, though, if you don't have to write any rhymes.

[1:36:34] Andrew: You could just say friend at the end of every single line.

[1:36:37] Jess: And now it's the end, friend, if you're a friend.

[1:36:45] Andrew: Do you think she sang this live?

[1:36:53] Jess: I got pink lemonade.

[1:36:56] Andrew: Oh, a rat! It's Ratatouille!

[1:37:01] Jess: That is just a large rat.

[1:37:03] Andrew: There is literally nothing else but a big rat there.

[1:37:06] Jess: Next time you're dry, friend, try stopping by, friend.

[1:37:12] Jess: If there's a light in the place.

[1:37:18] Andrew: We may not thrive, friend.

[1:37:20] Jess: I called you an uber! Get out of here!

[1:37:25] Andrew: What is that?

[1:37:28] Jess: I wish the quality were better.

[1:37:30] Andrew: Disney, restore this so we can see what that is.

[1:37:34] Jess: What?

[1:37:36] Andrew: It looks like a Donald Duck costume or something.

[1:37:41] Jess: He literally got his arm chopped off by Obi-Wan Kenobi.

[1:37:45] Andrew: We can't justify this.

[1:37:50] Jess: It's a prosthetic.

[1:37:53] Andrew: Oh yeah, Luke got his hand chopped off and got a new one. You're right.

[1:37:57] Jess: Star Wars rules, there are no rules.

[1:38:01] Andrew: Greedo is dead, though.

[1:38:03] Jess: And his name is not Ludlow.

[1:38:06] Andrew: Whatever he called it.

[1:38:08] Jess: Look at that finger dance.

[1:38:20] Andrew: They switched the rhyme. Now it's pal with pal instead of friend with friend.

[1:38:25] Jess: They had to push George on that one.

[1:38:27] Andrew: At least say pal, George.

[1:38:29] Jess: I don't think so. Come on, please!

[1:38:31] Andrew: Alright, that's the only one you're getting.

[1:38:35] Jess: Not friend, not pal.

[1:38:37] Andrew: No buddy, no guide.

[1:38:51] Jess: This is technically the best scene in this special, right?

[1:38:56] Andrew: There's like at least something happening.

[1:38:59] Jess: Yeah, there's energy to it.

[1:39:04] Andrew: It still feels like Star Wars despite them singing and dancing.

[1:39:08] Jess: Like it doesn't feel like it betrays the Star Wars energy.

[1:39:14] Andrew: Yeah, but it's probably because they literally just revisited an old Star Wars location.

[1:39:20] Jess: All the old Star Wars.

[1:39:22] Andrew: Costumes from that location reused the song that was playing while they were there.

[1:39:30] Jess: You can't really not feel that they use Star Wars and their Star Wars Holiday Special instead of whatever the fuck we've been watching for the last like probably should have just done this for every single scene to be, yeah.

[1:39:53] Andrew: The gangster bar is getting shut down. It's so sad.

[1:39:59] Jess: Yeah, like literally the last time we saw this place, like how many people died?

[1:40:06] Andrew: One person was shot point-blank.

[1:40:09] Jess: Yeah, good night. I don't know if it's necessarily a place that I would like cry about not being open.

[1:40:22] Andrew: The most wicked hive of scum and villainy.

[1:40:26] Jess: Yeah, that's literally what they call it, isn't it?

[1:40:30] Andrew: I'm not locked in here with you. You're locked in here with me. Uh-huh.

[1:40:34] Jess: They're like I was why we were stupid work required videos I get it.

[1:40:46] Andrew: This is two different sketches that were both message received justified with well, the Empire people are watching it.

[1:40:58] Jess: Well, the Nazis had to watch TV.

[1:41:01] Andrew: There's a male missing from this household and I want you to be here when he returns.

[1:41:07] Jess: It's possible. He's one of the rebels. We're looking for.

[1:41:13] Andrew: This turns out to be Luke, right?

[1:41:16] Jess: What?

[1:41:21] Andrew: That's the one they're looking for, you know.

[1:41:24] Jess: No, who's in that suit? Oh.

[1:41:28] Andrew: A little short for strong. No, Han Solo brutally murders this guy.

[1:41:36] Jess: Oh, really? That's excellent.

[1:41:36] Andrew: No, the stormtrooper drops his gun and trips on his gun off the ledge.

[1:41:45] Jess: Oh.

[1:41:48] Andrew: He's gonna murder the child.

[1:41:52] Jess: Do it, do it.

[1:41:54] Andrew: Oh, I thought this was part of it for a second. It's your monthly sue.

[1:42:08] Jess: That's the most 70s hair.

[1:42:12] Andrew: This quality is fucking abysmal.

[1:42:16] Jess: Are you talking about the quality of the special or just the video quality?

[1:42:27] Andrew: What's wool like?

[1:42:29] Jess: It's for washing clothes. They still exist. This company still exists.

[1:42:39] Andrew: Lingerie I look and feel this nice. I don't even feel like wearing them.

[1:42:48] Jess: Just roam around naked with no light.

[1:42:56] Andrew: Pantyhose.

[1:43:02] Jess: But never wouldn't just every commercial had like its own specific song.

[1:43:09] Andrew: Back when musicians could get work.

[1:43:11] Jess: Yeah, back when they could just write a Disney Channel theme and no one would know who wrote it.

[1:43:17] Andrew: Okay, I haven't watched that video but like isn't that the Mighty Mighty Bosstones? Like that's just their riff from...

[1:43:26] Jess: Yeah, they bring that I get that they do talk about that a lot. Okay.

[1:43:32] Andrew: It does that was always my impression that they just ripped off that song.

[1:43:37] Jess: Man, this makes it Egg McBuffins actually look edible.

[1:43:41] Andrew: 'Cause the Mighty Mighty Bosstones is it's that dad dad dad dad dad dad dad dad dad dad.

[1:43:50] Jess: Defunctland does talk about that, but it's lying different.

[1:43:54] Andrew: Apparently, I remember I remember they bring it up enough where they address it.

[1:44:00] Jess: I don't know. It's like a three-hour video. I don't remember every second of it.

[1:44:11] Andrew: Oh.

[1:44:16] Jess: Man, these commercials I want to watch Flying High this show looks wild as fuck.

[1:44:25] Andrew: Does modern media just not have any sex in it?

[1:44:29] Jess: Feels like these commercials are so like sexual like a lot of them.

[1:44:34] Andrew: Maybe we're just over sex that we don't want in our mainstream media like 'cause we have like really graphic porn and OnlyFans that we have it in our niche media, so we don't really put it into our mainstream shit.

[1:44:41] Jess: Maybe I feel like we've become more Puritans in our mainstream media.

[1:44:52] Andrew: Maybe because everything's owned by Disney.

[1:44:55] Jess: Yeah.

[1:44:57] Andrew: Star Wars used to be sexy. No.

[1:45:02] Jess: Hell yeah.

[1:45:04] Andrew: He's on down he's on down the road.

[1:45:07] Jess: The Wiz is pretty good. The movie's not great. We should watch that one day 'cause it is a wild ride.

[1:45:14] Andrew: This is this for the movie though.

[1:45:18] Jess: Yeah.

[1:45:28] Andrew: Remember when you had commercials tell you what theaters you could see movies at?

[1:45:34] Jess: Shit was wild when theaters weren't all owned by the same mega corporations.

[1:45:40] Andrew: I will say the best thing about Michigan is we have our own theater chain that is slowly encroaching into like other states.

[1:45:47] Jess: But it's the best theater chain in the world next time you're in Michigan. I should take you there. What is it?

[1:45:52] Andrew: It's the Imagine Theaters.

[1:45:54] Jess: I know the owner he has like 15 in Michigan and about 10 in other states like they put the effort to make sure it's high quality.

[1:46:04] Andrew: And they have the largest screen in the entire Midwest.

[1:46:10] Jess: Oh look, it's Chupacabra.

[1:46:16] Andrew: Get him, Han.

[1:46:21] Jess: Hiya, where was he hiding?

[1:46:28] Andrew: This is a flat wall, how is he hiding up against the wall?

[1:46:34] Jess: Maybe around the curve because we do see.

[1:46:38] Andrew: Okay, I mean it goes in a circle in the matte painting, but I don't think it goes in a circle here.

[1:46:46] Jess: He's gone did they have to walk past all the other stormtroopers that were walking?

[1:46:56] Andrew: Hey, that looks like Han Solo Han Solo would never be on a Wookiee planet.

[1:47:01] Jess: I don't know Han Solo is really different in the cartoon.

[1:47:12] Andrew: Plus his eyes were open.

[1:47:15] Jess: And he did not sound drunk troopers, okay, maybe a little drunk Chewie check and see if the coast is clear.

[1:47:20] Andrew: We're what?

[1:47:22] Jess: I can't believe I'm in this shit. Why did I why did I agree to be in this movie? I got contracted in somehow.

[1:47:37] Andrew: I don't know.

[1:47:46] Jess: You later folks.

[1:47:50] Andrew: Get your hands off my ass.

[1:47:53] Jess: Oh you grabbed by the throat there.

[1:47:57] Andrew: So he feels.

[1:47:59] Jess: Careful.

[1:48:01] Andrew: Remember you you belong to me and you're only here because of my kind you guys can't stay in this house.

[1:48:08] Jess: Like the last time that guy was seen was right here.

[1:48:14] Andrew: Trooper in your front lawn.

[1:48:17] Jess: He fell.

[1:48:19] Andrew: If they break that they break that barricade to or did it over it they broke it.

[1:48:26] Jess: So there's literally a dead stormtrooper at the bottom of the tree and a broken thing right in front of their door.

[1:48:33] Andrew: He fell.

[1:48:35] Jess: He tripped.

[1:48:37] Andrew: Nothing that can be done about it.

[1:48:39] Jess: I mean they aren't lying.

[1:48:43] Andrew: Tell me my dad didn't jerk off in the living room again.

[1:48:47] Jess: Is it his dad or her dad, it's his dad.

[1:48:54] Andrew: I love that his like lip just like kind of real big underbite.

[1:48:57] Jess: Choose eight-foot men looking at each other in a big old furry suit and they say Star Wars is a progressive.

[1:49:06] Andrew: Oh.

[1:49:15] Jess: My god, they're coming for my drug death I was kids.

[1:49:24] Andrew: Hey.

[1:49:30] Jess: Let your own Chewbacca.

[1:49:38] Andrew: Oh.

[1:50:03] Jess: I'm a great liar, and I'm just a charming guy that people love to hang out with.

[1:50:08] Andrew: Hey, I'm just back at this house that you found me at the floor for no reason.

[1:50:12] Jess: We have two-way communication traitor Sondheim.

[1:50:15] Andrew: Is this a report about the missing trooper?

[1:50:20] Jess: Chewbacca is literally visible in the back.

[1:50:38] Andrew: Whatever.

[1:50:42] Jess: Identification is very important. I hope you maintain contact with the Empire times like this.

[1:50:47] Andrew: I wonder how they celebrate my day Andrew. What do you how do you think they celebrate this?

[1:51:10] Jess: I made a force be with uh, hey said the thing.

[1:51:15] Andrew: Why would he say that? He's not a Jedi. I thought even our religion. I thought your religion or our religion.

[1:51:22] Jess: They're like, they're like, wait, what are we? What are we talking about? What did he say?

[1:51:27] Andrew: That's fucking weird, right? I would assume Chewbacca probably has similar opinions about the force as Han does, right?

[1:51:35] Jess: There are Jedi.

[1:51:38] Andrew: But I feel like oh my gosh get your balls get your Christmas balls, we're dead stand in our circle.

[1:51:50] Jess: Quick get your hairy Wookiee balls and put them in a circle.

[1:51:55] Andrew: I'm coming get the fuck over here itchy.

[1:51:59] Jess: Don't you talk to me like that you bastard.

[1:52:04] Andrew: Gets you we all know you jerked off in the living room. I brought you into this world I'll take you out and your whole family with you.

[1:52:16] Jess: I'll make this the last life day we ever celebrate you piece of shit.

[1:52:28] Andrew: You uh, you hold up the balls and then you are teleported in hell Bohemian Rhapsody music video.

[1:52:37] Jess: Can't rip off jokes from the stall recruiter. Did he say that?

[1:52:43] Andrew: I didn't even watch that.

[1:52:47] Jess: Hope they're all going to hell one Wookiee at a time good. So the balls transport them to the...

[1:52:56] Andrew: Ball this.

[1:52:58] Jess: Why don't they just go here all the time?

[1:53:02] Andrew: Is it only work once a year it only works on life day they go into a commercial for the general hospital.

[1:53:15] Jess: What are you doing?

[1:53:23] Andrew: You liked this as a kid Jess I still kind of like it I've had a good time watching this.

[1:53:28] Jess: It's bad, it's really bad. Yes. It's bad. We watched The Room too.

[1:53:35] Andrew: The room is funny! The room has Tommy Wiseau doing whatever the hell that is that he does. And this has an old Wookiee cyberjacket in the living room. That's the best- that was the best part though, like everything else has been bad. I love being on your ass, Emma. That's not a bad- that's not a bad price. Do you want to do this, Andrew? Run with three generations? No. Honestly, I just want to listen to the impression that I get now. What do you mean? Such a good song. I like her outfit though. Wait, we got competing pantyhose commercials? Oh no! In pantyhose, that means no nonsense fit, no nonsense comfort, no nonsense price. No nonsense bullshit, no nonsense Star Wars Holiday Special, no nonsense Chewbacca language.

Have you ever knocked on wood? No. But I'm glad I haven't yet, because I'm sure it isn't good. That's the impression that I get. Andrew, just what you wanted, more Wookiee noises! It really just gets better and better, huh? Why are the droids here? How do the droids get here? They're not alive. Droids can't celebrate Life Day, it's kind of in the name, isn't it? It is indeed true that at times like this, Arto and I wish that we were more than just mechanical beings. See, they're even admitting they have no soul! So that we could share your feelings with you. Chewbacca! Chewbacca, we were so relieved to hear you were alive. Guess what? I'm still not allowed to wear a bra, so I ended up taking it off.

How is that? What? All of you are an important part of my life, pal. I'm glad I could be here. I almost believed that. I almost believed you. He really gave it his all on that. I'm really glad to be here, thank you. Is Harrison Ford a good actor? No matter how different we appear, we're all the same in our struggle against the powers of evil and darkness. The theatrical version of Blade Runner, where he has those voiceover sections? Yeah. Oh my god. The thing is, he's not a very versatile actor. This is the promise of the tree of life. Like, he can play Indiana Jones and abusive husband and not much in between. So basically he can play himself, we assume. Yeah, I'm trying to think, like, does he ever stretch beyond that?

I mean, Han Solo is just Indiana Jones in a vest. I know, Han Solo's different. Han Solo's nowhere near as funny as Indiana Jones. Yeah, that's in the script, though. And Indiana Jones is, like, about... He couldn't be fucked. Like, we're gonna do a close-up on you. You give, like, a nice face. Gary Fisher's one condition to doing this was that she'd get a song. It's time for flashbacks. My family's here to hear my weird princess friends sing a song. So is Life Day specifically a rebel holiday? Why is the Star Wars theme playing underneath this? Because it's the theme of the Star Wars. They were hoping they'd sell records of this every Christmas. Sorry, every Life Day. Boy, did they fail. So how did this do on release?

Terrible. Like, ratings just dropped, like, nothing. I wonder if they do have, like, a proper viewing thing for this. Enjoy these Star Wars clips. Remember Star Wars? You guys like Star Wars, right? This was Star Wars. Remember Star Wars? You gotta convince you're still watching it. Look, it's me. I love me. Because are we in his head? Remember when I played that game of chess with the robot? I'm so good at chess. Remember when I didn't get a medal at the end? Remember all those cool shots? Al Guinness at home, thinking, man, I got that boy. What? Yeah, he somehow still appeared in it, huh? Oh, you got quite a bit in here. The Associated Press called this bubblegum brain. I'm not convinced the special was ultimately written and directed by a sentient bag of cocaine.

Okay. Jeez. Thanks, Chewie. All right, we did it. That was it, right? There's still a little bit more. Please, no. Twice as fresh. Do you think they ever thought about, like, just taking it off the air while it was playing? Like, they were looking at their ratings and like, maybe we should just play an Incredible Hulk episode. It would have been so funny if George Lucas was like, COCK THE FREED! COCK THE FREED! And just cuts to the Incredible Hulk. So no one knows how it ended. Until tonight happened. And now your opinion of it has plummeted. Good thing that this Star Wars thing was just a flash of the pan and no one will ever think about it a year from now. It's kind of funny. It's kind of funny that this didn't ruin, like, Star Wars reputation, really.

Like, this is the second ever Star Wars thing to be made. Yep. And somehow it didn't completely destroy its reputation and, like, a sequel still got made and, like, I don't know. It's interesting. It is. And the sequel, well, maybe there's a good amount of time between this and Empire Strikes Back, because this was 78 and Empire didn't come out until 80, so they had two years to forget about this. It's true. And since they never aired it ever again. May the force be with you and your children. So is every copy of this that we can see, like, every version of this that we see is, like, somebody who recorded it on their VHS? Yes, exactly. I think it was, like, Betamax at the time because VHS didn't quite exist.

This never got an actual official release. Never. Except for the cartoon on Disney Plus right now. That's the closest we've ever gotten to a holiday special release. But honestly, I'm grateful for whoever taped this. I'm glad we have this. I'm grateful for the commercials. Imagine if nobody taped it. It would have been, like, this would have just actually been lost forever. And imagine, like, fucking rabid Star Wars fans, like, and how pissed they'd be. This would be a holy grail kind of thing. I mean, for a long time it was, wasn't it? Because, like, this wasn't, like, common to find. You had, like, kind of physical DVD of it. Now that somebody has uploaded it onto... Oh my god. Now that somebody's uploaded it to YouTube or whatever, like, I'm sure it's really easy to find, but... Wait a second, you don't have my eyes, you have Art Carney's eyes.

MOLA! You lied to me! May the Lord protect and defend you. May you be deserving of faith. Imagine if this was just, like, like Rudolph and this played every year. At what point would it become dated? Uh, instantly? I mean, this was immediately considered bad, so... Yeah. Hey, where's the broken piece where the Trooper fell to his death? They didn't make a new painting. Yes, they're not, they never will. Well, and... This is the design they used for the Wookiee home planet, though, isn't it? Yeah, so they called it a different planet in this than they did in the prequels. Here they called it Kazook, and in the prequels it was, uh, Kashyyyk. Oh, well, because that's the, what the Wookiees call it, is Kazook.

So, Andrew, that was the Star Wars holiday special. What are your overall thoughts on your cheese rating? Uh, it's, it was fucking awful. Um, don't watch it. You've already watched it. I mean, yeah, they've done it! Too fucking bad, I mean, we ruined your day. Merry Christmas. Very fucking Christmas. Yeah, that was terrible. I'm gonna give it cheese made out of that blue milk that they have in Star Wars, which I assume doesn't taste very good because it's blue, which milk should not be blue. Or is it the green milk that Luke gets from the titty monster on his island? Either way, a Star Wars milk looks like it tastes like shit, so if you made cheese from that, like some, from whatever that is, that would be what this is.

Um, that's fair. Um, I am giving it Hungry Jack 4 Cheese Mashed Potatoes because of that Hungry Jack commercial. It, so you really like it, apparently, so. I, I had a good time. I, I always have a good time every time I watch it. It's so much ridiculous. What was the best, what was the best, like, not sketch, but like, uh. In proper quality, probably the B.R. 3rd, uh, the bar scene. I think that one's just actually as good as it gets. Best and worst. What's, what's worst as well? The worst one for me is the Harvey Korman, uh, glitchy one, because that's like right in the lull part of the special too. I think that that is just objectively the worst one. The only thing that's even remotely funny is him doing the weird thing with his tongue.

That was the only thing. I like the cartoon because that keeps your attention. It's not good, but it keeps your attention during it. Yes, um, I think the cartoon is pretty bad, but it comes close to being okay. The B.R. 3rd singing probably is the best. Although I think the stir whip one is the one that is the funniest. Yes, in an ironic sense, like it's like it's trying to be funny, but I think because it's so not funny, it is still funny. So I'm kind of, I don't know. I don't know how I feel about it, but I like that one. Yeah, but what did you guys think of our watch of the Star Wars holiday special? Let us know what you want us to do a commentary on next. We're going to try to do these more frequently in 2023, hopefully.

Oh yes, because we like doing them usually when they're shorter. Think of shorter things for us to do. This one was a bit long, but you know, it's a Christmas. You have to do the holiday special for Star Wars because we are a Star Wars podcast. So obviously we had to cover the very cool, very cool. We're a musical theater podcast and we've gotten requested this, and I don't think it would make a very good episode of our show. Not at all. There's not enough to talk about. The only thing to say is that it's not good in like how many ways it isn't good. Yeah, we get pretty repetitive after the first like five minutes. Like we could do fun with, there's not much fun to do with this. And Red Letter Media already made so many of the good jokes to make.

Yeah, so do Riff Tracks. A lot of people, like it's hard to have a new opinion on this. So we're keeping it behind a paywall and hopefully you'll enjoy it. But we'll see you next time, Patrons. Have a good week. And if we don't see you before Christmas, Merry Holidays, whatever you celebrate. Happy Life Day. Happy Life Day. We celebrate a day of peace, a day of harmony. You and I, we locked in. We locked it. All right.