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[0:01] Mo Brady: You're listening to The Ensemblist, the only podcast that shows you Broadway from the inside out. I'm Mo Brady.

[0:20] Mo Brady: On March 11, 2020, 457 performers were employed in the ensembles of Broadway musicals. Across the companies of 24 shows, these artists had come to the main stem to pursue their dreams of working on Broadway. One of the last to join these ranks was Tony Neidenbach, who made his Broadway debut just 10 days earlier. We asked Tony to share the story of his Broadway debut as well as his experience moving out of the St. James Theatre last week. Here, in his own words, is Tony Neidenbach.

[0:56] Tony Neidenbach: Hey, everybody. My name is Tony Neidenbach. I was a vacation swing at Frozen on Broadway. I was the last new addition to the cast before we shut down and subsequently closed due to COVID-19. I graduated from Penn State Musical Theatre in 2008 and moved to the city. I've been pounding the pavement since then. So when I finally booked my Broadway debut in Frozen back in February, I felt completely validated and fulfilled. I was incredibly excited to be joining the swing family at Frozen. I love being a swing. We are the workhorses and heroes of musical theatre. But I was also rejoining the Disney family, having done the multi-city co-production of Freaky Friday the musical. So, I mean, in my mind, I was set. I was thinking, it's Disney. It's Frozen. Like, it's not going anywhere anytime soon. And I was ready to work my butt off, make my debut, learn all my tracks, and relish finally being a working actor on Broadway, the one thing I wanted my entire life.

[2:16] Tony Neidenbach: Am I a monster? Full of rage. Nowhere to go but on a rampage. Or am I just a monster? I made my Broadway debut on March 3rd. My mom and my fiancé were there to cheer me on and it was magical. And just over a week and only 11 performances later, I was on stage one afternoon beginning to learn my next ensemble track when Governor Cuomo made the call and Broadway shut down effective immediately. We packed up for what we thought would be a month-long hiatus and went home. The feeling of heartbreak and uncertainty I felt that day was just a taste of what was to come two months later. And I tried not to, but I took it really personally, you know? I just turned 34 a couple days ago and I had finally made it on Broadway, only for my time there to be cut short. I didn't have a chance to really get settled. I was still so new that I hadn't even had time to take pictures of me and like all my costumes and all the fun stuff like that.

[3:46] Tony Neidenbach: Fast forward to May 14th, we found out over Zoom that we won't be reopening after the shutdown. A part of what made that situation so difficult was the lack of connection because of the pandemic, we didn't get to have that big group hug, the commiserating connection, the collective in-person group grieving process. Because to me, theater is about connecting and connecting on stage and bridging a connection with the audience. And sadly, we weren't given the chance to celebrate those connections one last time. And I so wish we had had the opportunity to give the show a proper send-off, to thank the audiences we've had over the years and say, hey, look what we did. Look what we've all experienced.

We have made art and we have filled the world with light and love. We are so grateful for you and to each other for this. But instead, we had to find a way to say goodbye on our own. In a way, it was like a death. In a lot of deaths, especially so much of the tragic death our country is experiencing right now, you don't get to say goodbye. It happens and you're left to pick up the pieces. And in this situation, with theater being such an interpersonal art form, people communicating and collaborating, then this happens. And the way we're asked to say goodbye felt very clinical and sterile. I mean, understandably so, given the circumstances. But you know, we had to sign up in groups of six and we had 30 minutes to get in and get out. And no one in that group could be from the same department as you or the same dressing room. We were left with a complete lack of that connection that we crave.

[5:50] Tony Neidenbach: So last Tuesday, I went to the theater. My fiancé drove me. And thank God that our intrepid stage manager, Charlie Underhill, was there because that was a really huge comfort to see his face and see someone in person. But when I walked out on stage, I was there by myself and it was quiet and everything was exactly where it had been left. You know, I was laughing because everything was kind of frozen in time. But yeah, when you think about this crisis we're in right now, you think about the things you love, the people you love, dying in a hospital and you not getting to say goodbye and not properly being able to grieve. This is what this pandemic is doing right now. It's not allowing people to properly grieve in the ways that we're so used to. And we're all experiencing so much devastating loss that I hope we can find ways to really grieve and move through each of those stages.

[7:05] Tony Neidenbach: So for me, that 30 minutes that we had on Tuesday was about trying to figure out the best way to go and say goodbye. So I sat on stage alone to try to breathe in the space one last time. I went out to the audience and sat in the seat where I sat on my first day remembering how nervous and excited I was watching the full company put in rehearsal for our Frozen 2.0 reboot with the new Anna and Elsa. I took a bunch of pictures to try to capture any memories, but mainly I just cried. I really needed to. It was just, it was just so sad. And then I went downstairs to the basement, to our quick change booths to look at my gorgeous costumes one last time to touch them and say goodbye to them. And then I went up to my dressing room and sat in my chair.

In addition to the rush of performing, the thing I love so much about being in a show is the backstage life, the friends and the immediate family you're plopped into when doing a show. Growing up, we had this coffee table book. I think it was called Backstage Broadway, but it was all these beautiful black and white candid photos of Broadway actors in their dressing rooms. And I would always sit there and looking at it and imagine what it would feel like to have a spot of my own. After you're in a show for three years or three weeks, the theater becomes your home. You spend so much time there. You have your dressing room, you have your little dressing station and you move in and you decorate it and you make it feel special and welcoming and you make it feel like home.

And you know, you're sharing a dressing room with people that you spend hours and hours with day in and day out, and they become your second family. And the company of Frozen was really one of those special, special companies. We were one big family. Everyone was so loving and caring and supportive. It really was just a dream work environment.

[9:21] Tony Neidenbach: I slowly started taking things down off my mirror. I reread all of the sweet cards from friends and family that I got from my debut. It was an incredibly strange mix of emotions. I finished packing up, said goodbye to my dressing room, and walked back across the stage to say my final goodbye. I took the time to thank the theater gods for blessing me with this experience of having my Broadway debut with the amazing cast of Frozen and in the St. James, which is such a storied, iconic Broadway theater. There's so much Broadway history has happened here. Like I got to be on the same stage where Oklahoma premiered and the King and I and Hello Dolly and the producers. Being on stage is one of the most electrifying highs that there is.

But in this context, that extreme emotion represented loss, a really great loss. As actors, I think that we subject ourselves to an extreme roller coaster ride of emotions with the highest highs followed by the lowest lows and vice versa. But I was really gutted by the news of us closing. I was just completely devastated and heartbroken for the loss of hopes and dreams, the loss of security, and the huge blow to the Broadway community that this has been. But as I put my situation into perspective, I realized how terribly lucky I am. I have my health, love, family, friends, and I had the opportunity to live out my life's biggest dream, if only for three weeks. But I do look forward to the day when I'm back on Broadway and this all seems like a distant dream.

[11:17] Mo Brady: Special thanks to Tony Neidenbach for sharing his stories with us this week. The Ensemblist was produced today by Jackson Klein and me, Mo Brady. There are two great ways you can be helping The Ensemblist right now. One is by leaving us a rating and review on Apple Podcasts, and the other is by becoming a Patreon member at patreon.com slash The Ensemblist. Please follow The Ensemblist wherever you listen to podcasts, on Spotify, on Apple Podcasts, or at bpn.fm, the home of Broadway Podcast Network. You can also follow us on Instagram. Thanks for listening. Until next time.