This transcript was automatically generated and might contain errors.

[0:16] Iyvon Edebiri: Hello, everyone! Damn, I'm gonna try again because I thought I gave the talk and everything. Hello, everyone! Yes! Welcome everyone to The Parsnip Ship. My name is Iyvon Edebiri. Tonight we are hearing the second episode of season six, which features all queer playwrights. This season we will be bringing their dynamic, colorful, all-around universal stories to you in your ears. We are recording tonight at the Mark O'Donnell Theater at the Entertainment Community Fund Art Center in downtown Brooklyn. Thank you again for hosting us this evening. Yes, crowd. All right, so tonight we are hearing the play. I have to get ready. Okay. Are you there, Truman? It's me, just another guy who grew up secretly worshiping your chiseled porn star body online, and now I think I love you by Garrett David Kim. I had to save up some breath for that one. All right, directed by the one and only Gaven Trinidad. And our musician tonight is Téhilah.

[1:37] Iyvon Edebiri: Okay, so we'd like to begin our night by asking our playwright one question before hearing our first song and then the play. Garrett, what would the world be missing if it didn't have this play?

[1:51] Garrett David Kim: The question I've been thinking about for three years. Um, I think the world would be missing a funny play that is a coming-of-age story, um, that encompasses all of the loneliness and ridiculousness, and ultimately hope of figuring out who you are in a delayed queer adolescence.

[2:26] Iyvon Edebiri: We love it, we love it. Okay, so we're gonna get into our night, and we're gonna welcome our wonderful musician of the night, Téhilah.

[2:42] ♪ Musical number: "Feeling Pretty" — performed by Téhilah ♪

[5:17] Chris White: Hi, I'm Chris White, and I'm playing the doctor and several dates.

[6:13] Wesley Han: Hi, my name is Wesley Han. I play the BFF, a schoolboy, a party boy, a patient, and date sixteen.

[6:23] Ryan Jacobucci: Hi guys, I am Ryan, and I am playing Truman and Anonymous and Alex.

[6:31] Shaun Anthony: Hello. I'm Shaun Anthony, playing Dad, Date 11, All American, Scientist, and Date 13.

[6:39] Kathleen Choe: Hi, I'm Kathleen Choe. I am playing Mom, Porn Actress, Customer, and Date 15.

[6:46] Jonathan Low: Hi, I'm Jonathan Low, and I'm playing Guy.

[6:50] Jonathan Low: Are you there, Truman? It's me, just another guy who grew up secretly worshiping your chiseled porn star body online, and now I think I love you by Garrett David Kim. Guy appears. He's a gay 20-something hopper holding a smartphone, serving distraught homosexual. He finds himself in a trendy cafe looking for someone for something. He opens an app. He's on autopilot. Boots, and he starts swiping. You know the drill. Right is right on. Left is everything you own in the box, Beyoncé. He finds himself sipping a bougie drink. The swiping has proved fruitless. He has an idea. Oh, baby, he knows what's gonna turn his day around. He makes sure nobody's looking over his shoulder. Then he opens another app.

Oh yeah. Porn music starts playing. A silhouetted chiseled porn star body trademark. The light catching every curvature. Truman appears. Truman is an absurdly attractive white dude. He flexes and poses and swishes his hips and looks Guy in the eye as they each touch themselves. Guy is transfixed. Truman unbuckles the belt, holding up his blue jeans. Oh yeah. Truman starts to unbutton his pants. Oh, yeah. Just like... And all of a sudden, Truman vanishes. And all of a sudden, Guy is back in the cafe. Guy composes a message on his phone. Are you there, Truman?

[8:36] Date 11 appears in the cafe. He's a conventionally attractive white dude. Hey, are you... It's me. Just another guy who grew up secretly worshiping your chiseled porn star body online. Oh, phew. Just checking. And now I think I love you. Because sometimes, uh, people look way different in person. I'm here sitting at a trendy cafe in a trendy neighborhood in that city, you know, the one where everybody wants to be. Yeah, I've uh totally gone up to the wrong guy before. Embarrassing. I'm on another first date with another guy I met off another dating app. I'm ravenous for matcha. You want anything? But all I can think about is you. No, no, no. You sit. I got it. He's the tenth guy I've taken to this cafe since moving here.

Or maybe the 11th. I've been putting myself out there for so long, I can't even keep track. You're actually the reason why I come here. I was a religious follower of your Twitter at Truman Gets Harder XXX. In a distant memory, Truman appears with a smoothie. Greens, gains, good vibes, hashtag fitlife, avocado emoji. Truman, when I liked that pic of you standing in front of this cafe again holding another green smoothie, I didn't want it to be the last time you'd ever post a new photo of yourself. You didn't even say goodbye. You just unceremoniously stopped appearing in new videos on the websites where I'd come to expect your chiseled porn star body and your very large penis. Here you go, hun.

I'm not naive, Truman. I don't expect you to stroll through the door, see me sitting here wearing your favorite color, aquamarine, and sweep me off my feet. But I still keep taking my first dates here, even though nothing ever seems to pan out. I'm so sick and tired of the whole... So yeah. You're from Ohio?

[10:32] Date 11: I am.

[10:33] Ryan Jacobucci: Really? What can I say, Truman? What can I tell Date 11? What can I tell him about Ohio that I haven't already told a bajillion guys before? There isn't much to do, but the people are super nice. Should I just apologize for being from Ohio? I don't know.

[10:49] Date 11: Huh.

[10:51] Ryan Jacobucci: Yeah. My, uh...

[10:54] Date 11: Yeah?

[10:56] Ryan Jacobucci: I'm HoppA. Half Asian, half white.

[10:58] Date 11: Oh, that makes more sense.

[11:01] Ryan Jacobucci: Yeah. Uh, mom or dad?

[11:04] Date 11: Well, my mom's Asian and my dad's white.

[11:07] Ryan Jacobucci: Oh. Should have known. Yeah, yep. So, why are you on the apps? You looking for something casual?

[11:19] Date 11: Oh, I'm trying to like stay open. I mean, not like open, open. I mean, not that there's anything wrong if, you know, with like open relationships. I'm just, I'm just more like I should get a boyfriend first. Not that I'm only on the apps to get a boyfriend. I mean, I'm open to possibilities.

[11:35] Date 11: You're so cute when you're flustered.

[11:38] Ryan Jacobucci: Yeah. Yeah, you're just so just so normal. I can't believe you've never had matcha.

[11:48] Ryan Jacobucci: Someone who looks an awful lot like Truman appears. Guy is transfixed. You know, you're nothing like I thought you'd be. Like, I'm actually enjoying myself. Uh-huh. Sorry, do you see someone you know or something?

[12:06] Date 11: No, no, no.

[12:07] Ryan Jacobucci: Okay, cool. Yeah. Well then. Do you want to get out of here?

[12:15] Date 11: Bam, chick. Like. My place is pretty close. Roommates are out. And I'm very open-minded. Just then the hunkah hunka turns around. Slowly. Slowly. Bam. It's Truman. Dressed as a delivery guy. Holding a perfectly placed package. I have a package.

[12:47] Date 11: Oh, really?

[12:49] Truman: Yeah. For you.

[12:52] Date 11: Me?

[12:53] Truman: Yeah. Just for you. But hey. I need you to inspect it first. You know. My package.

[13:03] Date 11: Sure.

[13:05] Truman: Cool. This way. I'll follow him to his house. I'll insist he make the room dark as possible. And as he shoves my face into his gray sheets, I'll think of you. Guy starts inspecting Truman's package. Back and forth. And back. And forth and back and forth to Truman grunting. And back to a nicely furnished millennial apartment. And back to Guy groaning. And forth to BFF trying to get his attention. Oh my God. Oh my god. Oh my god, I'm gonna come. Truman's package explodes in a shower of confetti as Truman vanishes.

[13:56] Guy: Hello. Anybody home? Sorry.

[14:00] BFF: You good?

[14:01] Guy: Yeah, yeah. Long week.

[14:03] BFF: Girl. Cheers. A series of notifications. Sorry. Okay, popular. Shut up. Okay, wait, you're women in STEM. How do I turn this shit off? I don't need these apps telling me every time the boys attempt a connection. Here, gimme. Oh, wait, wait, wait. No, no, no, no, no. Oh? Had a great time last night.

[14:28] Guy: Would love to see you again.

[14:30] BFF: Smiley face?

[14:31] Guy: Hold on, hold on.

[14:32] BFF: Jordan.

[14:33] Guy: It's literally nothing.

[14:35] BFF: Okay, you're full of shit.

[14:36] Guy: Give me my phone back.

[14:36] BFF: Who is Jordan?

[14:38] Guy: He took me to that vegan taco place around the corner.

[14:43] BFF: I mean, hold on.

[14:45] Guy: Look at this.

[14:49] BFF: Oh.

[14:51] Guy: Whoa.

[14:56] BFF: Right?

[14:58] Guy: How am I supposed to turn down that?

[15:00] BFF: And then he says those magic words, vegan tacos.

[15:03] Guy: Abercadabra.

[15:06] BFF: You met him online?

[15:07] Guy: Yeah, he was like, hey.

[15:08] BFF: And I was like, hey yourself.

[15:11] Guy: But yeah, we had a good time.

[15:15] BFF: He has a nice laugh.

[15:17] Guy: He paid for guac.

[15:19] BFF: He's in therapy.

[15:22] Guy: Okay.

[15:23] BFF: Jordan.

[15:24] Guy: I mean, I don't know if I'm like in the place to date again, but I had a good time.

[15:31] BFF: He sounds great.

[15:32] Guy: Yeah, but like, I'm not holding my breath or anything.

[15:35] BFF: We're gonna see how it goes.

[15:38] Guy: But he paid for that guac.

[15:39] BFF: Mm-hmm.

[15:41] Guy: Any whoats, Sherlock?

[15:43] BFF: How's your quest?

[15:44] Guy: Ugh, tumbleweeds girl.

[15:46] BFF: Okay, but like actually or uh well, I matched with this guy on Tuesday, and then he didn't message me first, so then I was like, I'll message him first.

[15:53] Guy: And he unmatched with me.

[15:55] BFF: Like, what?

[15:56] Guy: No, why did you uh now why did you swipe right on this white boy?

[16:01] BFF: He seemed like a nice guy.

[16:03] Guy: And wait.

[16:04] BFF: I gotcha, bitch!

[16:07] Guy: You keep going after these same old, same old basic Bradleys, and you expect it to be any different?

[16:12] BFF: You need to cut dairy out of your diet for real.

[16:16] Guy: Easy for you to say everyone likes you.

[16:22] BFF: Well, everyone's gonna have to form a single file line because I'm not handing out these cookies for free, okay?

[16:28] Guy: What are you talking about, cookies?

[16:29] BFF: You can't even boil water, bitch.

[16:32] Guy: And don't you dare down on me.

[16:33] BFF: We can't all be barefoot contesta bitches like you.

[16:38] Guy: Babe.

[16:40] BFF: Seriously, though, you're gonna absolutely spoil your husband someday.

[16:45] Guy: And I'ma make sure he treats you right.

[16:47] BFF: I'm not afraid to get cute.

[16:48] Guy: Meow.

[16:50] BFF: You were literally the most embarrassing person I've ever met.

[16:52] Guy: Yet here you are, ten years later, still letting me embarrass you.

[16:57] BFF: Okay, no more boy talk tonight.

[16:58] Guy: Let's get a refill and catch up on Potomac.

[17:04] Truman: Sometimes it seems like everyone else knows something I don't.

[17:09] Truman: Especially when it comes to dating.

[17:10] Guy: A permission slip magically poofs into guy's hands.

[17:15] Mom: A Korean American woman appears.

[17:18] Guy: He hands the permission slip to mom.

[17:22] Mom: Aren't you kind of young for this?

[17:24] Mom: Uh, shouldn't they wait a year or two before they do the talk?

[17:28] Mom: Especially when it comes to sex.

[17:30] Guy: The two whole afternoons?

[17:32] Guy: Are they gonna give you extra homework?

[17:34] Mom: Especially when it comes to puberty.

[17:36] Guy: Is Jason's mom okay with this?

[17:42] Guy: Jason's not my friend anymore.

[17:44] Guy: What?

[17:45] BFF: Since when?

[17:45] Guy: Since middle school started.

[17:47] BFF: Well, that was four months ago.

[17:48] Guy: Yeah, well, that's when we stopped being friends.

[17:50] BFF: Well, I can't believe it.

[17:51] Guy: You two used to hang out all the time.

[17:53] BFF: We don't hang out anymore.

[17:54] Guy: He doesn't ask me to hang out anymore.

[17:56] BFF: Can you just sign it?

[17:57] Dad: Dad.

[17:57] Dad: A white man appears with a stick of deodorant.

[18:02] Dad: He hands it to Mom.

[18:04] Dad: Hi, dear.

[18:05] Mom: Pew.

[18:06] Dad: Here, smelly pants.

[18:08] Mom: Well, thanks, dear.

[18:11] Mom: Uh sweetie.

[18:14] Dad: Oh.

[18:17] Dad: Maybe this is good timing.

[18:19] Dad: We actually wanted to talk to you ourselves.

[18:23] Dad: Son, um, you haven't been smelling your freshest.

[18:33] Mom: Okay, honey, what your father's trying to say is you're starting to smell different because you're getting older.

[18:38] Guy: Huh?

[18:39] Dad: Yeah, we've been uh smelling you around the house.

[18:43] Guy: I'll shower more.

[18:45] Dad: Nope, nope, it's not that.

[18:46] Dad: Trust me.

[18:47] Dad: We know you're showering.

[18:49] Dad: Every morning, another concert live from our very own bathroom.

[18:54] Mom: Well, we got this for you.

[18:56] Mom: It's deodorant.

[18:58] Dad: Considerate people wear deodorant.

[19:00] Mom: Yes.

[19:01] Mom: So you just put it under your arms, you know, like like this, and you make sure you go all over like this, just like really.

[19:09] Guy: Okay, I get it.

[19:10] Guy: I get where to put it.

[19:11] Guy: Stop.

[19:12] Dad: Hey, don't yell at your mother.

[19:14] Dad: I'm not yelling.

[19:15] Dad: I don't disrespect your mother.

[19:17] Dad: Not in my house.

[19:18] Dad: I won't stand for that shit.

[19:20] Mom: Mom shoves the permission slip between them like an olive branch.

[19:23] Guy: Guy grabs the permission slip.

[19:26] Doctor: The doctor appears in 80s doctor drag, rolling out an old-timey TV cart.

[19:32] Doctor: The doctor takes the permission slip.

[19:34] Doctor: The doctor pulls out a remote and presses play.

[19:37] ♪ Musical number: "Old Timey Educational VHS Introduction" — performed by Doctor ♪

[19:46] Doctor: Congratulations!

[19:48] Doctor: Your body is embarking on the most mysterious and the most commonplace journey ever known to man.

[19:55] Doctor: And if you're a female, then you are also here.

[20:00] Doctor: No matter which of the two genders you are, your body is on a journey.

[20:06] Doctor: A journey towards your new self.

[20:09] Doctor: Hi.

[20:11] Doctor: And welcome.

[20:13] Doctor: By the end of this informational video, you will understand how and why your body is doing that thing.

[20:23] Doctor: You know.

[20:25] Doctor: That thing.

[20:27] Doctor: Yeah.

[20:28] Doctor: That weird thing your body is doing that you can't explain, that you can't ask your friends about, that you can't ask your family about.

[20:36] Doctor: That strange new thing that your body is doing that has never ever, not once happened before in the history of humanity.

[20:45] Doctor: Unfortunately for you, this informational video will not rid your mind of the existential dread spurred on by the slow and steady realization that life is ultimately suffering.

[20:59] Doctor: A realization that often accompanies these changes.

[21:03] Doctor: But you will better understand what perversions in your pervert brain are causing your hedonistic behavior.

[21:10] Doctor: So let's begin, shall we?

[21:19] Doctor: Day one.

[21:23] Doctor: When you're a child, you love to frolic around carefree during recess, skipping rope, playing games, climbing shit.

[21:35] Doctor: Or if you were a fucking nerd reading books instead of having real friends.

[21:40] Doctor: But as you get older and bigger, your body, well, it's changing in new and at times unexpected ways.

[21:52] Doctor: This is what we doctors like to call puberty.

[21:59] Doctor: It's the time when these new and at times unexpected changes begin.

[22:09] Doctor: Very normal.

[22:13] Doctor: We all go through puberty.

[22:17] Doctor: And if we haven't yet, we will.

[22:19] Doctor: Oh.

[22:17] Doctor: We will.

[22:23] Doctor: Here are some of the things that start to happen when you go through puberty.

[22:27] Doctor: You start getting taller faster.

[22:29] Doctor: You start growing hair in places that are not on the top of your head.

[22:33] Doctor: You start smelling different when you sweat.

[22:37] Doctor: You start sprouting red stuff or white stuff or black stuff on your face.

[22:43] Doctor: You start sleeping more.

[22:45] Doctor: You start creating body parts.

[22:48] Doctor: You start creating bodies.

[22:52] Doctor: You start releasing bodies.

[22:56] Doctor: You start releasing pleasure, you start releasing pain, you start feeling sensations, you start tingling, you start touching, you continue touching.

[23:21] Doctor: You're touching.

[23:25] Doctor: You're touching yourself.

[23:29] Doctor: You're touching yourself as you imagine yourself touching someone else.

[23:35] Doctor: And then you're touching yourself as you imagine someone else touching you.

[23:45] Doctor: You're touching yourself.

[23:48] Doctor: Touching yourself.

[23:52] Doctor: And then liquid comes out.

[24:00] Doctor: Liquid that doesn't look like liquid your body has ever made before.

[24:05] Doctor: And it's not blood.

[24:11] Doctor: And it's not urine.

[24:15] Doctor: Perhaps you were broken.

[24:18] Doctor: Perhaps they were right.

[24:20] Doctor: Perhaps it is evil.

[24:23] Doctor: Is that hair on your palms?

[24:25] Doctor: Oh, you're going to hell!

[24:26] Doctor: You lie in bed at night, staring at the ceiling, mourning your childhood, burying your innocence.

[24:35] Doctor: Forever in fear of what each new day will bring.

[24:43] Doctor: And that's puberty.

[24:50] Guy: Guy composes a message on his phone.

[24:53] Guy: Are you there, Truman?

[24:55] Guy: It's me.

[24:55] Guy: Just another guy who discovered your chiseled porn star body in middle school while browsing the internet on the family desktop.

[25:02] Guy: The sound of an early odds desktop computer getting turned on.

[25:07] Guy: Oh yeah.

[25:09] Guy: Darkness, except for the screen's blue light.

[25:13] Guy: I drift towards like a moth.

[25:16] Guy: I overheard some middle school badasses tell each other after Fizz Ed that they were jacking off to porn.

[25:22] Badass: A middle school badass appears.

[25:25] Badass: I found my dad's porn last night.

[25:27] Badass: I had never even heard of porn at that point.

[25:30] Guy: I know.

[25:30] Guy: Hard to believe now, isn't it?

[25:32] Badass: No, idiot.

[25:33] Badass: They have to be naked for it to be porn.

[25:33] Badass: To be porn.

[25:38] Badass: Porn.

[25:42] Badass: P-O-R-N.

[25:48] Guy: Enter.

[25:51] Guy: Holy shit.

[25:54] Guy: Imagine my shock, Truman.

[25:57] Guy: I see naked people.

[26:01] Guy: I see my first digital penis, and I'm my first ever vagina.

[26:04] Guy: Still haven't seen one in person.

[26:06] Guy: I'm a gold star, thank you.

[26:08] Guy: I get curious.

[26:10] Guy: I click around.

[26:11] Guy: My deep dive into porn begins heterosexually.

[26:14] Guy: I see the women and the men.

[26:15] Guy: I see the women dressed as secretaries and the men dressed as their bosses.

[26:19] Guy: I see the women dressed as bosses and the men dressed as their secretaries.

[26:22] Guy: I see the women and their painted toes and the men sucking them.

[26:25] Guy: I see the women's mouths wide open at the size of the men's monster dicks.

[26:28] Guy: I see the women drooling over the men.

[26:30] Guy: I see the women with the men, I see the women with the dicks and the men, I see the women with the dicks and the men.

[26:30] Guy: I see the women in the middle of two men.

[26:37] Guy: I see a woman off to the side in the background, touching herself, watching two men.

[26:41] Guy: I watch two men touching myself.

[26:44] Guy: I hear the woman say, Oh, I love watching my husband be gay, husband be gay, gay, gay, gay.

[27:04] Guy: Gay.

[27:06] Guy: Gay.

[27:09] Guy: Gay porn.

[27:12] Guy: Enter.

[27:16] Guy: Holy motherfucking shit!

[27:19] Guy: The promised land.

[27:23] Guy: I see the men and the men.

[27:25] Guy: I see the men dressed as secretaries and their bosses.

[27:28] Guy: I see the men and their hairy toes and the men sucking them.

[27:31] Guy: I see the men's mouths wide open at the size of the men's monster dicks.

[27:35] Guy: I see the men drooling over the men.

[27:36] Guy: I see the men with the dicks and the men.

[27:38] Guy: I see the men in the middle of two men.

[27:40] Guy: I see a man off to the side in the background touching himself, watching two men.

[27:44] Guy: I watch the two men.

[27:46] Guy: I watch all the men touching myself.

[27:48] Guy: And that's when I see it.

[27:49] Guy: Truman appears in his almost but barely not naked glory.

[27:54] Guy: To the sound of angelic chords.

[27:56] Guy: Glitter, spirit fingers.

[27:59] Truman: Hey guys.

[28:02] Truman: You.

[28:03] Truman: It's me.

[28:04] Truman: Truman gets harder.

[28:06] Guy: It's like it was yesterday.

[28:07] Guy: I'm sitting at the family desktop situated in the corner of the living room.

[28:10] Guy: My parents have gone to bed.

[28:12] Guy: I'm sure of it.

[28:13] Guy: You're delivering a package.

[28:15] Truman: I have.

[28:16] Truman: A package.

[28:17] Truman: To an unsuspecting all American man.

[28:21] All American: All American appears.

[28:22] All American: Oh, really?

[28:24] Truman: Yeah.

[28:25] Truman: For you.

[28:26] Truman: Just for you.

[28:28] Truman: But hey.

[28:29] Truman: I need you to inspect it first.

[28:32] Truman: You know.

[28:33] Truman: My package.

[28:35] All American: Sure.

[28:37] Truman: Cool.

[28:38] All American: Whoa, whoa, whoa.

[28:40] All American: I don't do that.

[28:42] Truman: Come on.

[28:43] Truman: I know what goes into your mailbox.

[28:48] All American: My girlfriend's gonna be back any minute.

[28:51] All American: She just stepped out to pick up a few things at the grocery store.

[28:57] Guy: That's what I like to hear.

[28:59] Guy: Whoa, whoa, man, you got one big package.

[29:03] Guy: Yeah, and I've got a big delivery, too.

[29:07] Guy: And then he gives you a blowjob.

[29:09] Guy: Oh, oh yeah.

[29:12] Guy: And I'm dickmatized.

[29:14] Guy: And I think to myself, so this is the way gay people have sex.

[29:20] Guy: So this is gay romance.

[29:22] Guy: And your chiseled porn star body and your cut from marble jawline and your soft dirty blonde hair and the veins in your arms and the tan line on your legs and your pale waist glowing on the screen.

[29:34] Guy: And I want more.

[29:36] Guy: Click new video.

[29:37] Guy: A schoolboy appears.

[29:43] Mr. Teacher: Yes, boy.

[29:45] Schoolboy: I gotta get my grades up, or else I can't be on the swim team.

[29:49] Mr. Teacher: Well, you should have studied harder.

[29:51] Schoolboy: I know you're a senior at 18.

[29:54] Schoolboy: But, but Miss— but Mr. Teacher, I was distracted by all the good pussy at school.

[30:00] Mr. Teacher: But let that be a lesson to you.

[30:02] Schoolboy: Isn't there anything I can do?

[30:04] Mr. Teacher: You know I don't give out extra credit.

[30:06] Schoolboy: Please, I do anything.

[30:11] Mr. Teacher: Well, there is one thing.

[30:14] Guy: Click new video.

[30:15] A divorcee appears.

[30:18] Divorcee: Thanks for coming over, pal.

[30:20] Divorcee: The house has been quite empty ever since Susan left me.

[30:25] Guy: There, there, bro.

[30:26] Divorcee: I can't believe it that my wife left me.

[30:30] Guy: I know it'll make you feel better.

[30:33] Guy: Click new video.

[30:35] A customer appears.

[30:36] Customer: I can't believe I got stood up at this board.

[30:39] Customer: She was so hot, too.

[30:41] Guy: Well, she's missing out.

[30:42] Customer: Fuck her.

[30:43] Guy: Well, that's what I was gonna do.

[30:45] Customer: Fuck her.

[30:46] Guy: But hey, hey, hey, hey, why the hell's your dick out?

[30:49] Customer: They don't call it happy hour for nothing.

[30:52] Guy: Click new video.

[30:54] A scientist appears.

[30:55] Scientist: Could it be a new species of dinosaur?

[30:59] Guy: Yeah, a Bonasaurus Rex.

[31:04] Guy: Click new video.

[31:06] Guy starts masturbating furiously.

[31:08] Guy: So that's basically how I figured out I wanted my tree split by a lumberjack of a man.

[31:12] Guy: Eventually I figure out too that you're a regular on a few of these websites.

[31:17] Guy: But hey, I need you to inspect it first, you know.

[31:21] Guy: My baggage.

[31:23] Guy: It's comforting, Truman.

[31:24] Guy: Seeing you over and over like 20 boxes of your favorite cereal on a shelf at a grocery store.

[31:31] Guy: Yeah, and I've got a big delivery too.

[31:33] Guy: And then one night.

[31:35] Guy: What are you doing up this late on a gO?

[31:38] Guy: Oh my god, I'm gonna come!

[31:41] Guy unplugs the computer.

[31:44] Guy: It gets real aqua tucko.

[31:50] Guy: You go to bed.

[31:57] Guy: Okay.

[31:58] Mom: And your father and I are going to duck.

[32:08] Mom: About this tomorrow.

[32:16] Guy: I'm sorry.

[32:19] Guy: A toilet appears, and Guy shoves his head in, wretches.

[32:23] BFF: Relax, relax.

[32:25] BFF: But you trusted me.

[32:26] BFF: It's your holiday office party.

[32:29] Mom: Shh, you're drunk, sweetie.

[32:31] BFF: But it's your job.

[32:33] BFF: It's an internship.

[32:35] BFF: It's really the most.

[32:37] Guy: Okay, I don't like want to actually be in there.

[32:39] Guy: Am I embarrassing you?

[32:41] BFF: Not at all.

[32:42] BFF: You're embarrassing yourself.

[32:47] BFF: Hey, hey, hey, relax.

[32:49] BFF: And no more apologizing.

[32:51] BFF: You do the same for me.

[32:52] Truman appears, looms over Guy at the toilet.

[32:56] Truman: Oh, look at you down there.

[32:57] Truman: I have to see Daddy.

[33:00] Truman: I have to tell you something.

[33:02] Truman: I don't think he likes me anymore.

[33:04] Guy: Who?

[33:05] Guy: God, I can't believe how much you want it.

[33:07] Guy: You're pathetic.

[33:08] BFF: Girl, who?

[33:10] Truman: And he doesn't like me anymore.

[33:12] Guy: Who?

[33:13] Truman: Andy doesn't like me anymore.

[33:15] BFF hands Guy a wad of toilet paper and rubs his back.

[33:20] BFF: Oh, babe.

[33:21] BFF: It's alright, babe.

[33:22] BFF: We'll go slow.

[33:23] BFF: Here.

[33:23] BFF: Water.

[33:24] Guy: Wow, you're really something.

[33:26] Guy: Babe, I'm I'm sorry.

[33:29] Guy: I I know I want you so bad.

[33:31] Guy: I know he was like the first.

[33:33] BFF: First time, huh?

[33:34] Guy: I love popping cherries.

[33:36] BFF: But there's gonna be more guys who are into you.

[33:40] BFF: And they're not gonna fucking love bomb you like Andy.

[33:42] BFF: You nice and clean for me, boy.

[33:44] BFF: They're gonna like you for who you are.

[33:46] BFF: You're not gonna tell anyone about this, right, bitch?

[33:48] BFF: They're gonna actually see you for you.

[33:50] BFF: You're just a whole and don't fucking forget it.

[33:52] Truman flushes the toilet and vanishes.

[33:55] Guy: This sucks, but Andy's not the end of the world.

[33:59] Guy: I actually refuse to let that white boy bring about the end of your world.

[34:02] BFF: He's trash.com.

[34:03] Guy: I know.

[34:04] BFF: I'm just I get it, girl.

[34:07] BFF: Fuel with your fuels.

[34:09] Guy: You're the best.

[34:10] BFF: I am, aren't I?

[34:12] BFF: Doing better.

[34:15] Guy: Good.

[34:16] BFF: Let's go home.

[34:17] BFF helps Guy into bed.

[34:25] BFF: Welcome back.

[34:27] BFF: I hope your puberty is going well.

[34:30] BFF: Is your puberty going well?

[34:33] Guy: That's great, sweetie.

[34:36] BFF: Today, you are finally going to learn about it.

[34:42] BFF: The thing you've all been waiting for.

[34:45] BFF: Sex.

[34:47] BFF: Yes.

[34:48] BFF: Sex.

[34:49] BFF: Go ahead.

[34:50] BFF: Laugh.

[34:52] BFF: It's a funny word.

[34:54] BFF: Sex.

[34:55] BFF: Sex!

[34:54] BFF: Sex.

[34:54] BFF: Sex sex sex.

[35:02] BFF: Alright, that's quite enough of that.

[35:10] BFF: Day two.

[35:12] BFF: Sex and reproduction.

[35:15] BFF: Now, I bet you clueless children are wondering, what even is sex?

[35:21] BFF: Come to think of it, what even does sex?

[35:26] BFF: Lucky for us, there are two simple answers to this equation.

[35:31] Doctor pulls out a very phallic fruit or vegetable.

[35:34] Doctor: The man penis.

[35:36] Doctor pulls out a very yannick fruit or vegetable.

[35:39] Doctor: And the lady vagina.

[35:41] Doctor gesticulates liberally with these foods.

[35:44] Doctor: The man penis and the lady vagina do the sex together.

[35:50] Doctor: What happens is that the man penis will be literally so amazing, the man penis will pop lock it, drop it.

[35:50] Doctor: The man penis will Columbus the lady vagina.

[36:04] Doctor: And the lady vagina will also be there.

[36:08] Doctor: And that is sex.

[36:13] Guy: But doctor, why?

[36:16] Doctor: Great question.

[36:19] Doctor: Let's consider the animal kingdom.

[36:22] Doctor: Sex is a biological necessity for animals, as sex makes more animals, more baby animals that go through animal puberty and turn into adult animals.

[36:34] Doctor: When animals do the sex, it leads to reproduction.

[36:38] Doctor: Additionally, humans are also the same too.

[36:43] Doctor: Sex is reproduction.

[36:45] Doctor: Reproduction is sex.

[36:48] Doctor: Pleasure is moot.

[36:50] Doctor: Man penis in the lady vagina sex is for reproduction and reproduction alone.

[36:59] Doctor: Now, you may be curious to know if there are other kinds of sex.

[37:07] Doctor: Well, use your imagination, you pervert.

[37:14] Guy: You see an erect shaft encircled by a lipstick-rimmed mouth.

[37:20] Guy: You see a rubber toy trailing down a body towards a clitoris.

[37:25] Guy: You see a mustachioed mouth lapping a puckered anus.

[37:30] Guy: You see fingers on mouths, on waists, on toes, on tongues, twisting nipples, stroking dicks, playing with pussies, and every kind of cosmic genitalia unimaginable and imaginable.

[37:44] Guy: Snap out of it.

[37:54] Doctor: And because man penis and the lady vagina sex leads to reproduction, you therefore simply shouldn't do sex.

[38:04] Doctor: The birds and the bees, you know.

[38:07] Doctor: And there you go.

[38:09] Doctor: Sex.

[38:16] Guy: Are you there, Truman?

[38:17] Truman appears, lounging seductively on the same bed, but they are in different time spaces because theater.

[38:26] Truman: Hey guys, it's me Truman Getzhard.

[38:28] Truman: Just another guy who lost his virginity on a bed on the floor.

[38:32] Truman: I'm here today with my boy Carson.

[38:34] Truman: And I think I did it wrong.

[38:35] Guy: Click new video.

[38:37] Truman: What's up, guys? I'm here with today with my boy Dawson, and uh I'm stoked for this one.

[38:41] Truman: It's summer in the city, and it's hot as the balls I just had in my mouth.

[38:44] Truman: He doesn't have air conditioning or a bed frame for his mattress.

[38:48] Truman: Sweat sticks me to his sheets as I stare at the ceiling, listen to the traffic go by, and wonder is it normal if you don't.

[38:56] Truman: Because I didn't like, you know, finish.

[39:00] Truman: Although he did.

[39:01] Truman: So I guess that's good.

[39:03] Guy: Click new video.

[39:05] Truman: Howdy guys, I'm here today with my boy Nelson.

[39:08] Truman: I didn't get hard at all, actually.

[39:10] Truman: Is that normal?

[39:11] Truman: I don't think so because all the guys in your videos get hard because of your chiseled porn star body.

[39:16] Guy: Click new video.

[39:18] Truman: Yo, yo, yo, guys. I'm here today with my boy Samson.

[39:24] Truman: Anyway, it's not like I wasn't into it, but I think he assumed that because I didn't get hard, I wanted to, you know, take it.

[39:31] Guy: Click new video.

[39:33] Truman: Greetings and saltation, guys. I'm here today with my boy Hanson.

[39:37] Truman: Or did we both just silently acknowledge that when it's a white guy and an Asian guy, the Asian guy never does the fucking?

[39:44] Truman: And I can't wait just to destroy his ass.

[39:48] Truman winks and vanishes.

[39:50] Guy: So what was your first time like, Truman?

[39:54] Truman: I thought my first time would have been with my husband.

[39:57] Guy: Somewhere far, far away, a chorus of gay vultures cackles.

[40:13] Mom: How your dad and I met.

[40:15] Dad: And I had no clue what to do with my hands.

[40:20] Mom: Well, why do you want to know?

[40:21] Dad: What are you supposed to do with your hands?

[40:23] Mom: Well, there was this cute boy in my philosophy class.

[40:27] Dad: And then there was me.

[40:28] Dad: And he was always sat behind me in the lecture hall, and he was always falling asleep.

[40:33] Mom: Hey, that no, that's just not true.

[40:35] Dad: You were always like.

[40:40] Mom: Okay.

[40:41] Dad: And I'm worried now that I'm out of shape because my quads got really sore, like too fast.

[40:47] Mom: Yeah, I didn't really care about grades.

[40:49] Mom: Anywho, uh, one day I was dozing off, you know, probably had a little too much the night before.

[40:55] Dad: Stop!

[40:55] Dad: Watch your mouth.

[40:56] Mom: You didn't let me finish.

[40:57] Mom: Too much studying is what I was going to say.

[41:00] Mom: I had a little too much to study.

[41:02] Dad: Anyway, your father, he dropped a pencil and it felt right on my head.

[41:08] Dad: On accident.

[41:10] Mom: No, that's what he claims.

[41:11] Dad: That is what I claim.

[41:12] Mom: Oh, so I headed back to him.

[41:14] Mom: And I'm thinking that is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.

[41:19] Dad: The whole time I wanted to close my eyes, Truman, and just be done with it.

[41:23] Mom: Oh, I only offered to show her around campus because I thought she was a foreign exchange student.

[41:28] Dad: You were so embarrassed when I told you that I grew up in the far-off land of Sacramento.

[41:33] Mom: How was I supposed to know?

[41:35] Dad: You were very sweet.

[41:36] Mom: Aw, thanks, dear.

[41:37] Dad: I ended up keeping my eyes open because one time I heard on a podcast that it's insulting to fuck with your eyes closed because closing your eyes means that you're thinking about someone else and you're not in the moment with your partner.

[41:48] Mom: And one thing led to another.

[41:50] Dad: So if I wanted to keep my eyes closed because I kept wishing I was anywhere else, does that mean I didn't want to be there in the first place?

[41:57] Mom: Well, that's basically it.

[41:58] Dad: Sappy, eh?

[42:01] Mom: I think it's romantic.

[42:03] Mom: How things are meant to be.

[42:03] Dad: You're in class one day and then love just happens.

[42:06] Mom: Yeah, but don't go stealing my moves.

[42:09] Dad: Don't go dropping pencils on young ladies.

[42:12] Mom: Well, you're gonna meet a girl one day, and it'll just happen.

[42:18] Mom: I wish I had closed my eyes, Truman, because then I could have been with you.

[42:24] Guy: And all of a sudden, Guy finds himself back in the cafe.

[42:29] Date 12 appears.

[42:32] Date 12: And they still let me get on the plane.

[42:35] Date 12: Like nearly a gallon of water.

[42:37] Date 12: I mean, can you believe it?

[42:39] Guy: No, I really can't.

[42:43] Date 12: It was sealed, so got it.

[42:50] Guy: So what was your first time in Asia like?

[42:53] Date 12: Oh, I've never been to Asia.

[42:55] Guy: You haven't?

[42:56] Date 12: I really want to visit Japan, though.

[42:58] Guy: Do you have family there?

[42:59] Date 12: No, I'm from Ohio.

[43:01] Guy: Oh.

[43:01] Date 12 slurps a drink.

[43:04] Guy: A new video place?

[43:06] Guy: At Declairb, Truman and a party boy appear.

[43:12] Party Boy: Who?

[43:13] Guy: Me?

[43:14] Party Boy: Yeah.

[43:15] Party Boy: What's up?

[43:18] Party Boy: You've been staring at my ass like all night, and I didn't come here to get hit on.

[43:25] Date 12: Look, cruiser, you're a loser. And I'm just trying to have a good time.

[43:31] Truman: Well, why didn't you just say so?

[43:33] Truman: *unzips his pants for party boy.*

[43:36] Date 12: They hop on the express brain to BJ Cite.

[43:44] Date 12: So you're an engineer?

[43:44] Date 12: Well, no. I work in publishing.

[43:48] Date 12: Oh wow. Yeah, I'm just like an assistant, but it's great exposure to the writing world because nice.

[43:54] Date 12: Uh because I'm also a writer.

[43:56] Date 12: Aww.

[44:02] Party boy: What about you?

[44:03] Date 12: Yeah, so I'm so annoyed with work right now, like brrrrrh.

[44:07] Date 12: I just took this extremely high-paying job, but the only downside, the only downside, is that my new office is super conservative, and now I can't even walk in wearing a pink shirt without all these finance bros going like you're interesting.

[44:26] Date 12: And it's like get some class.

[44:32] Date 12: I mean.

[44:33] Date 12: *takes a long sip of his drink.*

[44:36] Party boy: *comes up for slobbery air.*

[44:39] Party boy: Fuck, that feels so good. I didn't think I could do it.

[44:44] Date 12: You're so big.

[44:49] Party boy: *holds his nose and dives back in.*

[44:52] Date 12: *finally finishes his sip.* We are so frickin' blessed, though, to be living nowadays.

[44:59] Date 12: Like, we have so much rights. Gotta be grateful.

[45:04] Date 12: Totally.

[45:05] Date 12: I agree.

[45:06] Date 12: Hey, do I sound gay to you?

[45:08] Date 12: You sound normal to me.

[45:10] Date 12: Woo! Girl. Glad you think so.

[45:12] Date 12: I mean, don't get me wrong, I love to gay it up, but there's this one gay guy on our floor.

[45:20] Date 12: He's just the receptionist. And he's just like super gay.

[45:24] Date 12: Like, just like how he talks, and nobody really takes him seriously.

[45:30] Date 12: So I try to talk like this, so everyone knows I mean business.

[45:36] Date 12: And like some clients would flip out if they knew.

[45:39] Date 12: So it's better they don't.

[45:40] Date 12: *starts chewing on ice.*

[45:43] Truman: *pulls party boy up for air.* I wanna fuck you. Right here in the middle of the dance floor.

[45:51] Date 12: Okay.

[45:56] Date 12: Hey. So you're so I messaged you pose.

[46:03] Date 12: Not to be too poor. But I can't be for Asian girls.

[46:09] Date 12: So why don't we go back to my place and you can show me your delicate feet.

[46:14] Guy: *steps away from the cafe table.*

[46:18] Guy: *composes a message on his phone.* Are you there, Truman?

[46:23] BFF: You can't be serious.

[46:26] BFF: It's me. Just another guy who can't find a man to save his life in real life or on these godforsaken dating apps.

[46:32] BFF: Okay, you know what? Teachable moment.

[46:35] BFF: I mean, what's a guy supposed to say on these things?

[46:37] BFF: Okay, why don't you read this out loud and then you tell me?

[46:40] Guy: Do I have to?

[46:41] BFF: Read.

[46:42] Guy: Okay.

[46:44] Guy: Falling in love could be achieved in a single word, a glance. Ian McEwan Atonement.

[46:49] Guy: Just seeing what's out there. Like to exercise my mind and body.

[46:53] Guy: Book and wine aficionado.

[46:55] Guy: One time I saw Tim Gunn walking through Central Park, and yeah, he's pretty majestic.

[46:58] Guy: Unicorn emoji, take me on an adventure. Wacky face with tongue emoji, and then it's my height, weight, and Myers Briggs personality type.

[47:08] BFF: So what did we learn today?

[47:12] Guy: Okay, you made your point. Can we stop now?

[47:14] BFF: Bitch, we are just getting started.

[47:15] BFF: First of all, queer people don't give an F about Myers Briggs. We need astrology.

[47:23] BFF: And B, quotes are never funny or sexy.

[47:26] Guy: So I'm not trying to be sexy.

[47:29] BFF: Well, you did it, Joe.

[47:34] BFF: Babe, you're putting too much pressure on yourself. You're just trying to start a conversation.

[47:39] BFF: So let's keep it more simple, like where you grew up or...

[47:40] Guy: But that I grew up in Ohio.

[47:43] BFF: Ohio isn't sexy.

[47:45] Guy: Not with that attitude.

[47:46] BFF: What about Ohio boy in the big city?

[47:49] BFF: Looking for...

[47:50] Guy: You don't say looking.

[47:51] BFF: But you are looking for looking looking.

[47:54] Guy: Oh, then you come up with something Miss Novelista.

[47:57] Guy: I just I feel like I tried my best, and you don't think it's good enough.

[48:00] BFF: Okay, that is not true. I'm giving you some tough love, just like you did when I was complaining about my old job.

[48:07] BFF: Like you said, if you want shit to change, you gotta change it to yourself.

[48:10] Guy: Don't use my words against me.

[48:11] BFF: Don't change the subject.

[48:13] Guy: Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. Ohio boy in the big city, love to unwind with a glass of wine and a good book.

[48:19] BFF: Okay, we're making progress.

[48:21] BFF: Now you gotta put down what you want.

[48:23] Guy: Are you serious?

[48:24] BFF: I never joke.

[48:27] BFF: You have to speak what you want into the universe if you want it to come to you.

[48:30] BFF: Like, what's your ideal first date like?

[48:34] Guy: Um, we get coffee and we talk and hopefully we laugh and stuff.

[48:40] BFF: You mean stuff like stuff or stuff like stuff?

[48:45] Guy: *A grinder notification.*

[48:48] BFF: This is a big development, Truman.

[48:50] BFF: I have grinder now.

[48:52] BFF: I thought you had to be a super hot muscle beefcake in order to have grinder, but turns out you just have to make an account.

[48:58] BFF: Turns out I can be on grinder too.

[49:01] Guy: *A grinder message from Anonymous.* Hey, you up? Moon emoji.

[49:07] Guy: I'm not gonna lie.

[49:10] Guy: *Pick.* Tongue emoji. It turns me on to think that one of these anonymous profiles might be you.

[49:19] Guy: Fuck, that's a purple devil emoji.

[49:22] Guy: I imagine you lurking in the dark, seeing my pics on my profile.

[49:26] Guy: I'm so fucking hard. Electric plug emoji.

[49:30] Guy: And I imagine to myself on the other side of the internet, no more blue light in my eyes underneath you.

[49:36] Guy: I'm your ingenue.

[49:38] Guy: Yeah, come over. Eggplay emoji.

[49:43] Guy: I think I love you, Truman.

[49:46] Guy: *Anonymous pulls Guy into a grungy apartment, and they get right to it with the sexy kissy good good.*

[49:51] Guy: Fuck. You're so hot.

[49:55] Guy: Did you shower?

[49:56] Anonymous: Um, yeah.

[49:58] Guy: Good.

[49:58] Guy: Uh wait.

[49:59] Guy: Uh what?

[50:01] Anonymous: *undoes his pants and they fall to the floor.*

[50:04] Anonymous: He grabs Guy's head and pushes him down.

[50:06] Guy: Wait.

[50:06] Guy: What?

[50:08] Anonymous: Are you uh you should already be sucking my dick?

[50:11] Guy: But are you like uh tested?

[50:14] Anonymous: Uh yeah, I'm clean. I'm not gonna give you anything.

[50:18] Guy: Okay, good.

[50:19] Guy: Okay.

[50:20] Anonymous: *pushes Guy down.*

[50:23] Guy: *on his knees, gives Anonymous a blowjob.*

[50:31] Guy: Hi again.

[50:33] Guy: Now, at this point, you might be thinking, hey doc, I've gone through the puberty. I know about the sex.

[50:40] Guy: I wanna get freaky dicky!

[50:42] Doctor: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't blow your load, kid.

[50:48] Doctor: Because today is dun dun day three.

[50:54] Doctor: Sexually transmitted diseases.

[50:57] Doctor: No matter who you are or where you come from, if you are a sexually active person, aka, if you are doing the sex, then you are at a severe risk of contracting sexually transmitted diseases or STDs or danger, danger, danger.

[51:18] Doctor: STDs will ruin your life forever.

[51:22] Doctor: And they're just out there, floating around in the disgusting bodies of other perverts like you.

[51:29] Doctor: STDs are infections that we stigmatize by calling diseases, and they include but are not limited to herpes, gonorrhea, chlamydia, syphilis, hepatitis B, pubic lice, aka crabs, human papillomavirus, aka HPV, and human immunodeficiency virus, AKA HIV.

[51:53] Doctor: STDs like these can cause irritations, sores, and other complications such as death, death, death, death, death.

[52:03] Doctor: And how do you get sexually transmitted diseases?

[52:07] Doctor: Sex, you fucking idiot! Come on!

[52:10] Doctor: So the next time you're thinking about giving a blowy under the bleachers, or having a quickie in the changing room, or smashing bits with a stranger, or swapping spit with your ex or slapping or slurping or slinking or sluttin, just remember that dirty, dirty, gross, gross spit cum, piss shit blood could be passing along an STD.

[52:36] Doctor: Even if someone tells you, baby, oh baby, I'm quite quite sure I don't got none of that icky sticky in me.

[52:44] Doctor: How can you believe them?

[52:47] Doctor: How can you be sure they're not just a dirty hoe trying to hit it and quit it?

[52:53] Doctor: You can.

[52:55] Doctor: And don't at me with these little latech dick sleeves.

[52:58] Doctor: Uh-uh.

[52:59] Doctor: Condoms sometimes stop babies during man penis and the lady vagina sex, the only approved sex.

[53:06] Doctor: But they can't stop the raging river of STDs during a nasty slam sesh.

[53:14] Doctor: So the only solution, if you care at all about your safety, is abstinence.

[53:30] Guy: *Anonymous clutches a piece of furniture and comes like a big dumb ogre.*

[53:35] Guy: Then Anonymous pulls up his pants.

[53:39] Guy: Hey, uh, this was fun, but uh my boyfriend's coming back, so you should go.

[53:46] Guy: *Anonymous turns a corner and vanishes.*

[53:48] Guy: *spits out a mouthful of cum.*

[53:52] Mom: *and Dad appear on the couch.*

[53:55] Dad: *snores a little.*

[53:56] Mom: *turns on the TV.*

[53:58] *Sounds of a network drama set in the hospital.*

[54:00] *And also the beginning of a porno where a patient sits on an exam table.*

[54:04] Guy: *A tween guy watches both.*

[54:07] Guy: Shh, you're snoring.

[54:09] Dad: Well, I miss.

[54:10] Guy: Shh.

[54:11] Truman: *appears dressed as a doctor.* Hello there.

[54:15] Truman: Um Dr. Truman.

[54:19] Truman: I'm here to check you out.

[54:21] Truman: I mean.

[54:22] Truman: Up.

[54:23] Dad: Thanks, Doc.

[54:25] Dad: What's happening?

[54:26] Truman: Shhh.

[54:27] Truman: Now, what seems to be the problem?

[54:29] Dad: Well, Doc, it's kind of embarrassing.

[54:31] Truman: Don't worry, everything that happens in this room is uh confidential.

[54:36] Dad: What a relief.

[54:37] Dad: What tell me what's going on?

[54:39] Dad: I thought you'd seen this already.

[54:40] Truman: I forgot.

[54:41] Dad: Okay.

[54:42] Dad: That guy is upset because Dr. Man won't let him see his friend.

[54:46] Truman: So what?

[54:47] Dad: His friend is dying.

[54:52] Truman: Oh.

[54:55] Dad: It's my tight, tight ass, Doc. It hurts whenever I have sex with my boyfriend.

[55:01] Dad: I'm worried something might be wrong.

[55:05] Truman: I see.

[55:08] Truman: I know a procedure that will help with that.

[55:11] Truman: Why don't you take off your clothes and bend over so I can take a closer look?

[55:14] Dad: See?

[55:15] Dad: Well, I I I mean that this is too sad.

[55:19] Truman: *vanishes with patient.*

[55:21] Mom: *changes the channel.*

[55:23] *It's the local news.*

[55:25] Guy: *approaches, even younger, holding a spelling test.* Mom. Dad, look.

[55:30] Guy: I got 100% on my spelling.

[55:33] Mom: Would you look at that?

[55:34] Dad: Uh-huh. Best in the class.

[55:36] Mom: I wouldn't expect anything less from you.

[55:37] Guy: Thanks.

[55:38] Guy: Jason says his mom puts his 100% on the fridge.

[55:43] Mom: Why would we do that?

[55:47] Dad: Yeah, you're so smart. The whole fridge would get covered up.

[55:51] Mom: Oh. But but that's great.

[55:54] Mom: That I'm glad you worked so hard.

[55:56] Mom: I bet your teacher appreciates how much you study.

[55:59] Dad: Shh.

[56:01] *The man's desktop computer was confiscated after authorities discovered a quote, motherload of the most repulsive, inhumane images, unquote, of young boys that they had ever seen.*

[56:12] *The man will be charged with possession of child pornography.*

[56:16] Mom: *changes the channel.*

[56:18] *It's a reality talent competition show.*

[56:20] *A man is singing, It's a raining man.*

[56:24] Guy: *sits right in front of the screen, enraptured.*

[56:30] Guy: I don't get why they like him so much.

[56:33] Dad: The judges?

[56:34] Dad: He's so flashy.

[56:37] Dad: Can't say I care for the way he dresses.

[56:39] Mom: Oh, he's very dramatic. Very theatrical.

[56:42] Dad: Ostentatious.

[56:43] Dad: Bizarre.

[56:44] Mom: Hey, don't sit so close to the screen. It's bad for your eyes.

[56:49] Mom: Have you cleaned your room?

[56:50] Guy: I want to finish.

[56:51] Mom: You were supposed to clean your room.

[56:52] Guy: I will when it goes to commercials.

[56:54] Dad: Hey, you heard your mother, go clean your room.

[56:57] Guy: But now *Guy storms out of the room, but hangs back to keep watching the performance.*

[57:04] Mom: What should we do?

[57:07] Dad: Yeah, he'll grow out of it.

[57:09] Mom: You think so?

[57:11] Guy: *Listening to Mom and Dad.*

[57:16] Guy: There's a man in our office.

[57:20] Guy: He's very nice.

[57:22] Guy: He doesn't wear a ring.

[57:25] Guy: He's never said anything about.

[57:47] Guy: *He's dancing suggestively, taunting Guy.*

[57:50] Guy: *Mid-dance, he starts thrusting and thrusting and thrusting and BFF appears holding an old photograph of Guy.*

[57:58] Guy: OMG!

[57:59] BFF: Is this you?

[58:01] Truman: Truman vanishes.

[58:02] Guy: A 20-something, once again.

[58:05] BFF: Oh, look at your little chipmunk face.

[58:08] Guy: Jesus. I leave you for 10 seconds and you're already going through my stuff.

[58:11] BFF: Oh, look at this little baby Gajan.

[58:15] Guy: Oh my god, we could have been bull twinsies.

[58:19] BFF: Wait, what even is all this?

[58:21] Guy: My parents sent me all this old junk from home and they said they need the space.

[58:25] BFF: My mom did that a few years ago and she's downsizing.

[58:28] Guy: Wait, fuck!

[58:29] BFF: Jagpot!

[58:31] BFF: (pulls out a high school yearbook) Oh god, that's for my senior year.

[58:33] Guy: Oh no.

[58:35] BFF: No.

[58:37] Guy: You went to one of those schools where all the seniors had joke picks?

[58:40] BFF: Yeah, it was really stupid.

[58:42] Guy: Wow, literally everyone's dressed up like someone from The Office.

[58:45] BFF: Everyone loved The Office at my school.

[58:47] Guy: Apparently.

[58:48] BFF: I told you it's stupid.

[58:49] Guy: Okay, not Miss Erica Morganstart and her side pony, like, hi.

[58:49] BFF: Like hi.

[58:56] Guy: I'd be her friend at a second.

[58:58] BFF: Yeah, but she really said gay like a slur, like.

[59:02] Guy: No, not my girl Erica.

[59:04] BFF: Yeah.

[59:06] Guy: Oh, I think she just had her second kid.

[59:09] BFF: Come again.

[59:10] Guy: Yeah, at least like half of these kids are parents now.

[59:12] BFF: These two got together in college.

[59:14] Guy: She's divorced.

[59:15] BFF: I think he's dead.

[59:17] Guy: Fuck.

[59:17] BFF: Yeah.

[59:18] Guy: There's a reunion coming up, but I'm not gonna go.

[59:20] BFF: Why?

[59:21] Guy: You should.

[59:22] BFF: You got out, bitch. Flex on him.

[59:23] Guy: Yeah, flex on him. Everyone's pushing strollers, and I'll be like, I got roommates.

[59:28] BFF: Your priorities, girl.

[59:30] Guy: Who really gives it?

[59:32] BFF: Oh my grills.

[59:35] Guy: This white boy really said grills.

[59:37] BFF: Oh yeah.

[59:38] Guy: Nick Larkey went hard.

[59:40] BFF: Wow, what the cockassity.

[59:43] Guy: I think he teaches middle school in Chicago.

[59:45] BFF: Yeah.

[59:46] Guy: Wait.

[59:48] BFF: Is this supposed to be you getting your Dwight on?

[59:51] Guy: No, I didn't dress up.

[59:52] BFF: What are you doing, Urkel? Did you part your hair the other way?

[59:56] BFF's phone rings.

[59:59] Guy: Oh shit, it's Jordan.

[1:00:01] BFF: Uh no, take it.

[1:00:04] Guy: Hey.

[1:00:05] BFF: Oh my fucking.

[1:00:06] Guy: Hey.

[1:00:08] BFF: (hits him with a pillow and steps out of the room)

[1:00:11] Guy: (laughing a little still) He stares after and then looks around his room.

[1:00:17] Guy: (starts picking up all the mementos BFF pulled out) He packs them away in the box again.

[1:00:21] Guy: He shoves the box under his bed.

[1:00:26] Guy: He sighs.

[1:00:28] Guy: He checks his phone.

[1:00:30] Guy: He starts swiping.

[1:00:32] Guy: He looks to see if BFF is coming back.

[1:00:35] Guy: He goes back to swiping.

[1:00:38] BFF: (returns) Hey, sorry.

[1:00:41] Guy: Everything good?

[1:00:42] BFF: Yeah.

[1:00:44] Guy: Jordan just got off work.

[1:00:46] BFF: Gotcha.

[1:00:50] BFF: So remember I said there was a big development?

[1:00:56] Guy: Yeah.

[1:00:58] BFF: Well.

[1:01:05] Guy: No.

[1:01:06] BFF: It came like.

[1:01:08] BFF: It came out of nowhere, but it felt right.

[1:01:13] BFF: I don't know. He just like really takes me for who I am.

[1:01:18] BFF: Unconditionally.

[1:01:22] Guy: I guess I wasn't expecting that.

[1:01:25] BFF: You weren't?

[1:01:26] Guy: Well, I mean, I hoped. Everyone hopes, but for someone like me, who looks like me, I don't know.

[1:01:37] BFF: Girl, how people shouldn't be allowed to talk like that. Literally, everyone loves you.

[1:01:41] BFF: We go out, you're the bell of the ball, all they see is you.

[1:01:43] BFF: You're so you.

[1:01:46] BFF: It's effortless. You're fun, you're smart, you're kind, but you're annoying as shit, though.

[1:01:51] Guy: Shut up, you bitter bitter bitch!

[1:01:56] BFF: Thanks, babe. Love you.

[1:02:01] Guy: I have a feeling this is gonna be our year.

[1:02:07] Truman: Ba ba ba ba Hello Horn dogs. Hope you didn't get up to any hanky panky while I was away.

[1:02:20] Truman: Today, we're gonna clear up some confusion, if you will, around day four, sexuality.

[1:02:37] Truman: Your sexuality boils down to three things. How you have the sex, how much you do the sex, and with whom you engage in the sex.

[1:02:47] Truman: In the modern age, people claim there are many shades of sexuality, but in reality, it's much simpler than these misinformed heathens would lead you to believe. Let's break it down.

[1:03:00] Truman: First, we have established the only correct sex man penis and the lady vagina sex. Anything else is evil.

[1:03:13] Truman: Second, we have also established how much you should be doing the sex. Never. Especially not until you're a married adult. Young people cannot be sexual. Young people cannot consider sexuality. Young people cannot be good cogs if they are in touch with their bodies. 18 is not an arbitrary number. And even as adults, you should abstain from the sex, or else you will get STDs or babies or both even.

[1:03:47] Truman: And finally, with whom you should have the sex? Why your opposite sex husband or wife, silly? Do not have sex with other consenting partners. Do not have sex with more than one person at a time. Do not have sex with sex workers. And under no circumstance, no circumstance should you have sex with someone of the same gender, of which there are only two.

[1:04:22] Truman: You should not explore. You should not try to figure out what you're into. It's not important to know if you enjoy foreplay or if you enjoy phone sex, if you have fetishes, if you have kinks, if you're a dom or a sub or a switch, if you're a top or a bottom or a verse, if you're into bondage, if you can find a community who will celebrate your sexuality with you. Who cares?

[1:04:53] Truman: Who cares if you're sexually compatible with your opposite sex, husband or wife? If you discover years down the road you aren't satisfied, just cheat like the many opposite sex husbands and wives who have come before you. Remember, 50% of marriages end in divorce. And you can too. Now go out into the world and suppress your desires.

[1:05:22] Truman: Bah.

[1:05:34] Guy: (finds himself back in the cafe) He composes a message on his phone. Are you there, Truman?

[1:05:41] Date 13: (appears in the cafe) He's a conventionally attractive white dude. Oh, hey to you too. Thanks for meeting me here. It's me, just another guy trying to land me a boyfriend in the wild, wild west of gay dating in the 21st century. I'm normally super nervous to meet guys, but you seem cool.

[1:06:04] Date 14: (appears in the cafe) He's a conventionally attractive white dude. Charming little place you pick. Except you're nowhere to be found.

[1:06:13] Date 15: (appears in the cafe) He's a conventionally attractive white dude. Such a joy to break bread with you, your oars. Wow. Something else. Maybe you're just gone.

[1:06:28] Date 16: (appears in the cafe) He's a conventionally attractive white dude. So Truman, are you there? I'm gonna get a beer. Please say you're there.

[1:06:39] Date 16: So, like, what's shaking, bacon? How's your heart soul? Looks like you had a long week. Beer?

[1:06:45] Date 16: Oh, you know.

[1:06:46] Date 16: Of course. Namaste.

[1:06:48] Date 16: Wow, I'm really glad to hear.

[1:06:52] Date 16: Oh god, I'm sorry. I'm so awkward. I'm such a dork.

[1:06:55] Date 16: Now wait a second. They don't have beer. Where did you get that shirt? Wait. No, no, no, no, no. Don't make it Target.

[1:07:02] Date 16: I knew it! I'm really picking up on your vibes. Wow, they really have everything there, don't they? Everything's expensive here. Are you sure they don't have chickpea milk? It's the only way I take my espresso.

[1:07:15] Date 16: Sorry. I drink when I get nervous. Okay. Now don't tell me this next one. I like to guess. So do you like anime?

[1:07:43] Date 16: Stop. I don't know. What do you mean you don't know where you're from?

[1:07:47] Date 16: So then where are you from?

[1:07:48] Guy: I just told you, Ohio.

[1:07:49] Date 16: So you're adopted?

[1:07:50] Guy: No, I...

[1:07:50] Date 16: So then what's your heritage? I mean, your roots. Like, where's your family from? Where are you from from?

[1:07:58] Date 16: Well... Don't tell me. Korean.

[1:08:00] Date 16: Thailand.

[1:08:01] Guy: Oh, wow, this close.

[1:08:06] Date 16: Oh god, I want to visit Seoul so so bad. Oh my, the culture is just divine in South Korea.

[1:08:14] Date 16: Wow, that's such a coincidence because I was listening to K-pop on the way over here.

[1:08:19] Guy: Oh, it's so cool. Everyone is so obsessed with K-pop now, not just nerds like us.

[1:08:23] Date 16: You know, I know this crayon barbecue joint. It's vegan. You can't even tell the difference.

[1:08:31] Guy: And the language? I mean, like, talk about beautiful. Like.

[1:08:34] Date 16: Do you speak any?

[1:08:37] Guy: Um, well, I know how to say grandma and grandpa.

[1:08:43] Date 16: Oh, okay. You want me.

[1:08:45] Guy: Okay. Uh, how many, how ji.

[1:08:51] Date 16: Such a beautiful fucking language.

[1:08:54] Guy: Wait, so which one is it?

[1:08:55] Date 16: Uh, Hamani is grandma and how.

[1:08:57] Guy: No, no, no, no, no, not that. Which Korea? Like, are you communists?

[1:09:01] Date 16: What? No.

[1:09:02] Guy: Okay, good. Now here's the deal. I'm in the military, as you can tell. I'm willing to pay you a weekly stipend of 300 US dollars if you travel around the country with me and satisfy my...

[1:09:05] Guy: No, you have the wrong...

[1:09:14] Date 16: And I don't know which Korea. I mean, obviously you're from the South.

[1:09:16] Guy: No, I bet you're north, he looks like someone from the North.

[1:09:19] Date 16: Oh, oh yeah. No, I see it.

[1:09:22] Guy: I'm sorry, but this just feels so right. I never thought I would meet someone who has so much in common with me.

[1:09:29] Date 16: And I never thought they would connect with me so much, too. Will you marry me?

[1:09:35] Guy: (the dates zombie-like close in on Guy) And then Truman appears, dispersing the zombie dates.

[1:09:46] Truman: My type? Well, of course, muscle. It's hot when a guy works out. A big butt. I love a big butt, a big juicy butt. Shoulders like wide shoulders, eyes, I think light eyes are so pretty. But really, for me, it's all about personality. Because if there's no chemistry, if your personality doesn't match up with mine, it's no fun. So personality is really where it's at for me.

[1:10:21] BFF: (in the middle of a play) Hello.

[1:10:25] BFF: Bitch! I owe you 20 bucks.

[1:10:28] Guy: Why?

[1:10:31] BFF: Because.

[1:10:32] BFF: No. It's happening.

[1:10:34] Guy: No.

[1:10:35] BFF: I'm engaged.

[1:10:36] Guy: No, stop.

[1:10:38] BFF: I'm engaged.

[1:10:39] Guy: Fuck!

[1:10:40] BFF: Babe, congratulations.

[1:10:44] Guy: Thanks, babe. We're really happy.

[1:10:48] BFF: Aww. I'm so happy for you, too.

[1:10:51] Guy: Thank you. I'm happy for me too. I gotta call some of my Judys, my aunties and stuff, but I have to tell you. And obviously, you're gonna be in the wedding party, so start prepping your looks.

[1:11:05] Guy: Okay. I'll tell you all the deets when we get back.

[1:11:10] BFF: Okay. And per our wager, will you accept payment in the form of wine?

[1:11:15] Guy: Always.

[1:11:17] BFF: Okay. Gotta go.

[1:11:21] Guy: Love you, girl.

[1:11:23] BFF: You too.

[1:11:27] Guy: (snap back to childhood and dinner) Mom, Dad, and tween Guy are eating dinner now. You can taste the tension in the air.

[1:11:38] Guy: (composes a message on his phone) Are you there, Truman? Please pass the salt.

[1:11:43] Mom: (passes the salt) It's me. Just another guy in the middle of an awkward dinner with my parents, and they caught me jacking off to porn.

[1:11:51] Dad: Tastes great, dear.

[1:11:53] Mom: Thanks, dear.

[1:11:54] Truman: (pulls up a chair for himself) He sits, leaning back, feet up on the table.

[1:11:58] Dad: Truman, you don't strike me as the type of guy who has any trouble saying what's on his mind.

[1:12:03] Truman: Hello, school. How do I tell them all the things I want to say?

[1:12:08] Dad: Good. And how is work?

[1:12:11] Truman: Oh, you know, just a lot of the same.

[1:12:15] Dad: What's tonight's homework?

[1:12:17] Truman: How do I tell them I'm sorry? I'm sorry for the porn. I'm sorry for letting them down. I'm sorry for liking boys.

[1:12:24] Guy: How do I tell them how fucking horny I feel? How fucking different I feel, how fucking disgusting I feel.

[1:12:34] Mom: Oh, thanks, dear. I don't know. I'm not bold like you, Truman. I mean dessert. Excellent. So I just stay quiet. Uh let me go uh get the dessert.

[1:12:56] Mom: Just guy and his dad. And Truman. At the table. No eye contact because males.

[1:13:04] Dad: So good day at school?

[1:13:06] Truman: I said yeah.

[1:13:08] Dad: Well, okay. Okay. Can I please be excused?

[1:13:10] Guy: Not until dessert.

[1:13:14] Truman: *rests his hands on his head, enjoying this.*

[1:13:21] Doctor: You have learned about puberty. You have learned about sex and reproduction. You have learned about sexually transmitted diseases. You have learned about sexuality. But what does that mean for you? And for the people in your life.

[1:13:43] Doctor: Day five. Relationships. Relationships are all around you. Your family, your friends, your teachers, coaches, and religious leaders, your peers, neighbors, and community. And nowadays, relationships can take place virtually anywhere. Face to face, over the phone, online. And just like how you have to protect yourself when it comes to sex, it's important to protect yourself in relationships as well.

[1:14:15] Doctor: We recommend you keep everyone at arm's length. You can do this by canceling plans, even though you have nothing better to do, keeping emotions bottled inside, ignoring your desires, not asking for help with your annoying ass questions, not bothering people with your desperate ass invitations, holding yourself up in your home, letting calls go to voicemail, leaving texts go unreplied. Really, the list goes on and on and on. You can use these techniques with any relationship, but we find that keeping people at arm's length works especially well with romantic relationships.

[1:14:57] Doctor: Because here's the thing when people get to know you, then they know how to hurt you. And they will. So don't let anyone in.

[1:15:23] Doctor: And this concludes this educational VHS. There's nothing else you need to know. Good luck. Goodbye.

[1:15:37] *The video reaches its end. Static on the old timey TV.*

[1:15:45] Dad: So um we're going to be installing some parental controls tonight.

[1:15:53] Truman: *starts rubbing his crotch, staring at Guy.* Because, well, you know what happened with your mother. I mean, we know you're a smart kid. So why would you do that? You know you shouldn't do that.

[1:16:05] Guy: I know I shouldn't. You know better.

[1:16:08] Truman: I know better. You shouldn't be looking at any of that.

[1:16:11] Guy: I shouldn't be looking at any of it. Really not right.

[1:16:13] Truman: It's really not right. Those kinds of people. It's not normal what they do. What you did, it really hurt your mother.

[1:16:21] Guy: It really hurt my mother. You looking at that.

[1:16:24] Truman: Me looking at that. We've done so much for you. And what you did was wrong.

[1:16:29] Guy: What I did was wrong.

[1:16:33] Mom: *returns, smiling as if that will make it all okay.* So who wants dessert?

[1:16:41] *She sets a cake down on the table. Truman immediately sticks his finger into the icing and licks it.*

[1:16:47] *The static grows. Guy composes a message on his phone.*

[1:16:52] Guy: Are you there, Truman? College freshman guy pulls out a letter. It's me. Just another guy who's coming out and coming out and coming out and coming out and coming out and coming out.

[1:17:04] *Shootman takes the letter from Guy and hands it to Dad.*

[1:17:08] Truman: What was it like when you came out, Truman? Did you even come out? Or did some rainbow unicorn fairy bibbity bobby boo you onto the gay porn part of the internet?

[1:17:16] *Truman passes the letter to mom, who reads it. Truman reads over her shoulder.*

[1:17:20] *Dad gets up from the table. BFF appears, leaving a voicemail.*

[1:17:26] BFF: Got your voicemail. Babe. I'm so fucking sorry. That's a shitty thing to say. And I know you love her, so I know you, and I know you might not want to hear this right now. But I love you. I think you're brave, you're kind. You're definitely in the top 1% of people I know.

[1:17:50] BFF: I'm out tonight with some of the girls. I think it might be good for you if you came. But if you don't want to, I get it. But either way, tomorrow morning, it's bagel time, bitch. Even if I have to force feed you, fuck a diet. I love you. I'll try again a little later.

[1:18:12] *Mom tears up the note. BFF vanishes.*

[1:18:15] Truman: Mom.

[1:18:16] Mom: Hi, honey.

[1:18:18] Truman: Hi. Do you need anything? Did you read my note?

[1:18:24] Mom: Okay. Thank you. So what makes you so sure about this?

[1:18:32] Truman: Huh? How can you be so sure? You've never. I mean, no other boys in town are like this. It's like Yeah. So then how can you know? If you've never done.

[1:18:47] Mom: Because that doesn't make sense to me.

[1:18:50] Truman: I just know.

[1:18:51] Mom: Was it something I did?

[1:18:53] Truman: No. Was it something your father did?

[1:18:56] *Dad appears with a box of condoms.*

[1:18:59] Dad: I uh read your note. I want you to have these. Be smart. Be safe.

[1:19:10] *Dad vanishes.*

[1:19:15] Mom: Did we say something to you? I mean, I don't understand how we who I am.

[1:19:22] Truman: Okay. Yeah, okay, it's just who you are, okay.

[1:19:24] Mom: I don't know why you always have to make things so much harder on yourself. We wanted you to be PMED, you take an English class, we wanted you to stay home, you go to city college, and now we just want you to be happy. And this.

[1:19:47] Truman: Are you sure you're not just confused? It doesn't make sense that anyone would choose.

[1:19:57] Mom: Do you know what happens to people when they people who live like they die? They get killed by diseases, or they get killed by drug dealers, or they get killed by other people who hate that look.

[1:20:18] Mom: Honey, we love you, and you don't have to make up your mind right now. You're young. You have so much ahead of you, and and so many changes, and you don't know what you're talking about.

[1:20:26] Truman: I do know.

[1:20:26] Mom: You don't know what you're talking about. I'm telling you this because I know. I'm sure about this. It's who I am.

[1:20:39] Truman: It's Mom. Look at me.

[1:20:43] Mom: Yeah, I've I have to.

[1:20:47] *Mom vanishes. The static roars.*

[1:20:51] Truman: *starts showering Guy with shreds of his letter.* Truman, the thing they don't tell you about coming out is that you have to keep doing it. It's exhausting, but it's never felt new.

[1:21:03] *A maelstrom of zombie-like dates appear.*

[1:21:06] Zombie Date: Where are you from?

[1:21:08] Truman: Because I realized something. Because I've been coming out as Asian my whole life.

[1:21:16] Zombie Date: Does your family do normal Thanksgiving or Asian Thanksgiving?

[1:21:21] Truman: Thanksgiving. What even is Asian Thanksgiving?

[1:21:25] Zombie Date: I don't know. I'm not Asian.

[1:21:28] Truman: The whiteness in my blood, in my genes, it never protected me from the street.

[1:21:32] Zombie Date: You're such a twinkle.

[1:21:35] Zombie Date: So how small is your dick? No fats. No VEMs, no Asians. Just a reference.

[1:21:45] Truman: I never saw myself as anything other until other people started seeing me as something other. But seriously. Where are you from?

[1:21:55] Zombie Date: What's up, guys? I'm here today with my boy Carson. Always coming out as Asian. Here today with my boy Dawson. Always coming out as gay. Today with my boy Nelson. Always coming out as brown. With my boy Samson. Always coming out as queer. Always coming out as an other.

[1:22:11] Zombie Date: Jefferson. Jackson, Johnson, Madison, Lincoln, Washington, Adams, Reagan, Bush, Kennedy, Clinton, Nixon, Garfield, Eisenhower, Roosevelt, and I can't wait just to destroy his ass.

[1:22:30] *Truman plunges his hand into the cake and pulls out a dildo, and he tears the cake a new one.*

[1:22:36] *And mom keeps tearing letters and changing the channel. And dad keeps bringing in condoms, letters, deodorant. And BFF keeps leaving voicemails and taking calls. And the doctor keeps pulling out sexual foods, and the static gets louder and louder and louder.*

[1:22:50] *And Guy steps into the storm to compose a message on his phone.* Are you there, Truman? It's me, just another guy who grew up secretly worshiping your chiseled porn star body online, and now I think I love you.

[1:23:03] Guy: But where did you go? Your old videos have gotten predictable, your social media has turned into a ghost town. I try closing my eyes to bring you back to me, but your jawline turns square from the pixels.

[1:23:14] Guy: Your hair keeps buffering, the veins in your arms get frozen on the screen, the tan line on your legs have gone 404, your pale waist glowing computer blue, a corn-fed, pale-skinned, good ol' American boy, nothing more than Oz. And how could the idea of a hot cis able-bodied hetero-white dude love anything like the idea of me?

[1:23:34] Guy: And I can't wait to just destroy his ass. Yeah, that's right. Your ass. Fuck you with my big manly cock until you beg for more. Beg me to give it to you. You hungry slut. You come guzzler. I am a god. I am your god, and you are disgusting. Dirty pig bottom bitch.

[1:24:01] *Guy smashes the desktop computer into a bajillion pieces. Everyone but Guy vanishes.*

[1:24:06] *The digital cacophony comes to a silent, screeching halt. And now it's so quiet it hurts.*

[1:24:24] Guy: Are you there? Are you there? It's me. Um, so you know when you stare at a screen for too long and you get a blue light headache? I just I just need a second. It's it's so quiet.

[1:24:54] Guy: How about I keep talking? Gotta keep talking. Gotta keep it light, fun, flirty, easy, breezy, beautiful, cover girl. Look. I'm sorry, I would be more bubbly if I could. I would be more sassy, more hilaire, more niche, more.

[1:25:09] Guy: But I want people to like me more than they seem to like me when I show them the person I am. Stop looking at me like that! Like you know me! You don't know me! Like you want more! I don't have anything more! This is all you're gonna get. I don't know what you want from me. What do you want from me?

[1:25:35] Guy: Do you want me to be more white, more digestible? More white, less Asian. Maybe you want me more ethnic. Am I too digest digestibly Asian? Am I just a plate of fried rice made of apple pies and almond eyes? Always caught in the middle on the 38th parallel, never enough. Maybe you'd like me your oriental fever dream.

[1:25:57] Guy: Do you want me to put on a handbook? Do you want me to put on a kimono? Do you even know the difference? Do you want me to put on an accent? Do you want me to bow? Oh, you like that. You like your Asian men deferential. Oh, is your fetish fetish subservience? You like it when I wash your feet? You like it when I strap my wrists to your bedposts? You like it when I know my place? When I finish up the dry cleaning, when I fry the American potatoes, when I clean the shit off your toilet? Would you like me to stroke your thinning brown blonde red hair and sing you a lullaby in a foreign tongue until you forget the ways you're ra you ravaged my homeland and force me to flee to your arms? Until the unfamiliar features of my face blur, blend with other unfamiliar faces.

[1:26:11] Guy: Oh. Is your fetish invisibility? Alright. I'll just stay out of your way then.

[1:26:52] Guy: I'll sit here and kneel. I'll just wait until you decide to acknowledge me. My bad. I didn't realize that you'd rather me out of sight, out of mind. I didn't realize that we were so interchangeable. I'll take your word from now on. Oh. Is your fetish accommodation? Okay, I'll giggle at your jokes. I'll agree. I'll make myself smaller in size, in space. I'll crack like a porcelain doll. I'll swallow my words to protect your fragile feelings. You like it when I swallow, you nasty. Oh. Is your fetish Asian men who are so smooth and so skinny they look underage? I'm sorry, is that bad? Have I been bad? Have I been a bad, bad boy? I've never done this before. Should I call you daddy? Should I chase your jizz with a shot of ginger and dragon fruit?

Would you like me to pickaxe a tunnel through my rocky mountains? Try my cooking in a California gold rush, watch as I bring dishonor to my family. Oh, is your fetish exoticism? You a rice queen? You open-minded, you hoping I hobba some ancient secret? You trying to land on the shores of my body, the strange becoming the familiar, becoming the oh. Is your fetish assimilation and dissociation and productivity and times tables and taekwondo and tai chi and karate and karaoke and k-pop and the best friend and the funny sidekick and the nerd and the diversity quota and always the bridesmaid, never the bride, and white splaining the health benefits of kimchi in a crowded bar. So this is the way gay people have sex.

So this is gay romance. So this is the way Gaysian people have sex. So this is Gaysian romance. So this my life as a Western, digestible, white on the inside, yellow on the outside, try it once treat, all sesame and soy. Or is it just me? Am I the broken one? Because when I close my eyes, I still see a white man. I close my eyes and I see a wedding and a white picket fence. I'm too jealous to be polyamorous. I'm too afraid to be monogamous. I am the common denominator when the algorithm yields no results, when the chemistry causes no reaction, when the timing is early or late or both. If I was less of a scarecrow, less of a tin man, less of a cowardly lion, less femme, more mask, less bottom, more top, less homemaker, more breadwinner, less fat, more muscle, bigger cock, fatter ass, wider hands, larger feet, smaller nipples, smoother skin, fewer freckles, rounder eyes.

Is it the man I've always been conditioned to be who can't get past this binary of perfection or disaster? Is it the Asian I've been conditioned to be? I don't know. I just wish I wasn't so fucking alone.

[1:30:13] Truman: Um all of the sudden guy is back in the cafe. What? Sorry, are you are you okay? Uh you seem upset. Oh I'll I'll be okay. Thanks. Uh okay. It's just it's just been a rough day. I'm sorry to hear that. Thanks. Wait. Uh never mind. Sorry. You look like you look like somebody I knew for a second. Oh, well, I I mean, I do come to this cafe a lot. Um I'm friends with the owner. Oh, nice. Yeah, I really like it here. The staff knows me, so I can kind of sit at a table and do my own thing. Yeah, yeah, I I like it here too. Yeah. Good. Yeah, um, I write here sometimes. Oh, that's great. I mean, this is a perfect place to get work done. I come here between jobs. Oh. Yep. Um. If you don't mind me asking, what do you do?

Uh I run a landscaping company. Oh, that's great. Thanks. Well, yeah, it's not like my company. Uh, but I'm like the one who figures out how many guys to hire and how we're gonna actually do the thing that my boss tells her clients we can do. Gotcha, gotcha. Yeah. Um can I tell you something? Um sure. Okay, I I know I'm like a total stranger, and this might mean nothing to you. But um, yeah, my fiance is pregnant. I'm gonna be a dad. Whoa, congrats. Yeah, that uh thanks, dude. Yeah, it's like fuck. I like my head spinning, it just hasn't sunk in yet. Sorry, I just I think the more I say it, the more it'll be real. And not just in my head, like once it's out there, then it's happening, you know?

Yeah, I mean, that's really exciting. I'm gonna be a dad. I just don't want to fuck up my kid. Sure, but I think all parents kind of fuck up their kids no matter even if they're trying their best. Yeah, yeah, I guess you're right. Yeah. So you're engaged. Yeah, yeah. Nice. Uh that's so weird. My best friend just got engaged too. No way. Congrats. Uh yeah, thanks. I mean I mean, I'm not engaged, but I'll be like in the wedding party. Oh, that's fun. Yeah. My fiance's gonna have some of her gay friends in her bridal party too. Yeah. Oh, sorry, I just assumed. No, no. You can call that. Um it's exciting for them. I'm happy for them, but yeah. I feel like an asshole. I should just be happy. Is that why you were upset?

Uh part of it. Yep. But thanks for talking with me. Are you feeling better now? Yeah, I think so. You sure? Because people who are doing okay don't really cry into their coffee. You sure you're gonna be okay? I hope so. Are you sure you don't want anything? I want. I want to see Truman one last time.

[1:33:49] Alex: Guy approaches. Guy kisses Truman. He keeps kissing Truman. He wraps his arms around Truman. Guy pulls away. I thought it might feel different. I thought it would feel better than that. To finally take something for myself. I thought I could get something back from you. But that didn't give me anything. You didn't give me anything.

[1:34:24] Truman: Alright, well.

[1:34:30] Alex: Good luck.

[1:34:31] Guy: Thanks.

[1:34:36] Alex: gets up, kinda kind nod to Guy.

[1:34:40] Alex: exits.

[1:34:41] Guy: pulls out his phone.

[1:34:47] Guy: Delete account. Are you sure you would like to delete your insert gay porn site account? Once this action is done, it cannot be reversed. I'm sure.

[1:34:59] Guy: sets his phone down. Goodbye, Truman.

[1:35:03] Guy: closes his eyes. He breathes in and out. He's here. In out. He's still here. In out. After all that.

[1:35:27] Guy: opens his eyes. End of play.

[1:36:00] ♪ Musical number ♪

[1:37:55] Iyvon Edebiri: Okay, before we get started, um with our our interview with our wonderful playwright, I wanna give another round of applause to our cast. They're so great.

[1:38:10] Iyvon Edebiri: How are you feeling?

[1:38:12] Garrett David Kim: Good. I'm feeling good.

[1:38:14] Iyvon Edebiri: Yeah. Okay, let's get into it. What inspired you to write this play?

[1:38:21] Garrett David Kim: Oh man. So honestly, um, honestly, a deadline. That's how a writer makes it. Yeah. Like, I brought some very, very elementary pages into a writer's group, just kind of like the very first draft of like guy getting caught looking at porn. Um, and my friend Carolina Doe, an amazing actor, writer, community organizer. Um, she was like, hey, um, so I love those pages, and I've told this theater that I work with that you're coming into the salon and you're gonna bring in pages. And I was like, what? Um, but yeah, so uh it was kind of that deadline, and um honestly, this was also like around the time that I was starting like therapy and like just doing a lot of unpacking. So this was part of the unpacking, honestly.

It's part of the unpacking. And then and I guess like to get a little bit more specific, there's so many uh dynamic characters. There's so many characters, but so many dynamic characters, and I'm just wondering if you could just speak to the inspiration around these characters and where they came from.

[1:39:42] Garrett David Kim: Yeah, I mean, like, so I think part of the like big, big ensemble of characters is like kind of unpacking this like parasocial relationship, right? Uh, like all of these like kind of flashes that like um kind of come and go into and out of guy's life like really quickly, but like seeing it over and over again, right? It really leaves an impact. Um really like it was, but in terms of like the main cast that like started with like Guy and mom and dad who are like trying to support him the best with all the tools that they have, like um even if they're not always enough for what guy needs. Um and uh yeah, I modeled um BFF after a lot of friendships I have in my life. Um and then I I think as I kept working on this play, I realized that like part of what the play is about is like the way that um the way that like we learn about sex and sexuality growing up, right?

Um and as queer people, we are often not even like included in those narratives, right? It's like there's no um, and we see it now like with legislation too, like literally taking those kinds of things that are teaching, like they're teaching women, they're teaching queer people, like about like their bodies and about sexuality as not just like this heterosexual, like singular mass, right?

[1:41:20] Guy: Um, and so that's kind of how Chris's wonderful doctor um came to be is like exploring that facet of like okay, not just like the desire and like the sensuality that guy's like kind of coming to terms with as he's getting older and coming into his queerness and really like understanding what that all means.

[1:41:42] Guy: It's also like all these like forces that he's really internalized, right?

[1:41:48] Guy: And like over the course of the play, if not like gets rid of them, at least is acknowledging and realizing that they're acting upon him.

[1:41:57] Guy: Right.

[1:41:58] Guy: Yeah.

[1:41:58] Guy: Right.

[1:41:58] Guy: And kind of you know, haunting him in a way and guiding him and not guiding him.

[1:42:03] Guy: Or guiding him to somewhere uh maybe he didn't want to be.

[1:42:06] BFF: Yeah.

[1:42:06] Guy: Um, why Truman?

[1:42:08] Guy: That name specifically.

[1:42:10] Guy: Umuded to some presidents, but why Truman?

[1:42:14] Guy: Um Truman was uh I made a lot of one thing that was very fun was workshopping the um porn actor names.

[1:42:24] Guy: So um I I did like I did like the idea of like the white president name.

[1:42:31] Guy: Um and I also I kind of like the pun.

[1:42:33] Guy: Truman gets harder.

[1:42:35] BFF: Yeah.

[1:42:36] Guy: Yeah, and I yeah, yeah.

[1:42:38] Guy: So um the president, the president moment was fun for me.

[1:42:43] BFF: And you alluded to to this just now a little bit.

[1:42:46] BFF: Like it felt like, you know, a lot of really in-depth dramaturgical research, we'll call it.

[1:42:55] Guy: Um when I'm what are you talking about?

[1:42:59] Guy: I'm just we're just gonna call it dramaturgical research.

[1:43:03] BFF: Absolutely.

[1:43:04] BFF: If there's any grants that want to help support my developer, right?

[1:43:10] Guy: That research, you know, Jared is available in the case.

[1:43:14] BFF: Exactly.

[1:43:14] BFF: If a certain monthly charge just shows up on my life, it's just dramaturgy, man.

[1:43:20] Guy: Maybe sponsored by Grinder, you know, put it out there.

[1:43:24] BFF: I say that knowing Gaben is wearing a grinder sweatshirt.

[1:43:27] Guy: I'm gonna call that out.

[1:43:28] BFF: I love it.

[1:43:31] Guy: Um so I think one thing that was that really struck me while I was sitting and listening, um, is that this play would have and should have been done in 2020, 2021, and then like you know, the world stopped, and then we all basically we we were in the house a lot, and then we were on the internet a lot, and like that was like the time we heard about TikTok, and TikTok has exploded into um, you know, uh the younger generation's kind of resource, online resource, and you know, ways of connecting with community, um, it just in general in a digital sense.

[1:44:06] Guy: And so um I was struck listening to the play um today and thinking about like how what what has developed since then in this play as our relationship to the digital world and connection and sex, um, because that all changed as well.

[1:44:25] Guy: People weren't hooking up, but also people were hooking up like when we weren't supposed to.

[1:44:29] Guy: And so, like, how do you how how did the play change since since it got submitted?

[1:44:34] BFF: Yeah, I mean, so uh we had a conversation, I feel like on Zoom, you mean Al, like really like the first month.

[1:44:42] BFF: Yes.

[1:44:43] Guy: Um, but yeah, so this play is like we've I've developed this play a lot over the course of the pandemic, and so it's been a lot of like virtual workshops, um, which in some ways has been like really, really illuminating, right?

[1:45:00] Guy: For like the way um, like there's actually a couple people in this cast that like I've met the for the first time on the internet, and like and even Gavin, like the we did not meet until like in person for like a year.

[1:45:13] Guy: Um, and so in in that way it was like really i think illuminating on how all of us like can develop a relationships like online and not just like you know not just like sexual not just romantic but just like you said like there's there's a whole like culture of like internet like internet people finding community on the internet right um and i hope i hope this play doesn't come off as like an indictment for that because i will also say like as a young queer person like I've figured shit out about myself because of the internet right exactly right you know like you like and like that's what like TikTok is like now for too right like you you find things because they're they're either not available to you or they're deliberately kept from you and so um that becomes like an outlet like for information for better or for worse right like you can't go like can't go too far looking up gay on the internet or what that means without stumbling into that um uh so uh yeah it's been it's been really it was really um good I think for the themes of the play like the time um that I got to work on it over the pandemic I think it's really good for like the play as a piece of theater to finally hear it in person for the first time in like four years um so yeah.

[1:46:45] BFF: Yeah.

[1:46:46] BFF: Yeah.

[1:46:46] BFF: That's beautiful.

[1:46:47] BFF: Okay.

[1:46:48] BFF: So we're gonna start to um wrap up.

[1:46:51] BFF: Actually, before we start to wrap up, I really did want to know how did you come up with Bonosaurus Rex?

[1:46:56] Guy: Because I wrote that down.

[1:46:58] Guy: Um a fever dream, I don't know.

[1:47:03] Guy: Okay, I just I just you know, like I was just I had to I had to keep one upping the scenes and like term in terms of ridiculousness, if nothing else.

[1:47:13] Guy: Um so I was like, I don't know, sexy paleontologist.

[1:47:19] Guy: Sure, why not?

[1:47:20] Guy: I just watched all the Jurassic Park movies, so I was like really I mean listen, bones, I don't know.

[1:47:27] Guy: It works, yeah.

[1:47:28] Guy: It works.

[1:47:29] Guy: You know, Bonasaurus Rex might end up in the next Jurassic world.

[1:47:33] Guy: And I hope Chris Pratt.

[1:47:36] Guy: I hope Chris pays me for that collection property.

[1:47:40] BFF: Oh, okay.

[1:47:41] BFF: So we're gonna start to wrap up the last few questions.

[1:47:44] BFF: Um this question is what we're asking um all of uh our playwrights this season, which is what does queerness mean to you personally, artistically, privately, publicly, however you take that, what does queerness mean to you?

[1:47:59] Guy: I think the most beautiful thing about being queer is that it invites you to really like question everything.

[1:48:10] Guy: Um when you are like when you're raised to believe that like certain systems that keep certain people in power are good and anything outside of that is bad, and you know you are outside of that, but you know you're not bad, right?

[1:48:26] Guy: It just it starts to open this like chain of like, well, why this?

[1:48:31] Guy: What about that, right?

[1:48:33] Guy: And I think um because of that, a lot of us like are really, really thoughtful about the ways that we move through the world because we've just grown up questioning things.

[1:48:45] Guy: So I think queer means questioning.

[1:48:49] Guy: Everything.

[1:48:52] BFF: Oh, love that.

[1:48:54] BFF: Um, and last question.

[1:48:56] BFF: What did you have for breakfast this morning?

[1:48:59] Guy: What did I have for breakfast this morning?

[1:49:02] Guy: Um, even though it was cold, I had some iced coffee.

[1:49:08] BFF: Yes.

[1:49:10] Guy: Um ice cold, like my heart.

[1:49:13] Guy: Um, and then I oh, I had some, I had some like frozen like banana pancakes and sausage.

[1:49:21] Guy: I did some like cooking last week, y'all.

[1:49:23] Guy: And so I had some tasty breakfast.

[1:49:26] Guy: It was great.

[1:49:27] BFF: I love that.

[1:49:29] BFF: I hope your breakfast tomorrow is just as delicious.

[1:49:32] Guy: It's probably gonna be the same thing.

[1:49:33] Guy: So yeah, I think it will be.

[1:49:35] BFF: Sounds like you have a match.

[1:49:38] BFF: Um, well, thank you so much for the conversation.

[1:49:43] BFF: Um we have some thank yous for all of our artistic collaborators who are part of this episode.

[1:49:50] BFF: So, to our dope as fuck cast tonight, Jonathan Low, Ryan Jacobucci, Kathleen Choe, Sean Anthony, Wesley Han, and Chris White.

[1:50:09] BFF: Directed by Gaven Trinidad.

[1:50:13] BFF: And our musician tonight is Tehila.

[1:50:17] BFF: Woo!

[1:50:21] BFF: And Are You THERE TRUMAN?

[1:50:23] BFF: It's me, just another guy who grew up secretly worshiping your chiseled porn star body online, and now I think I love you, written by Garrett David Kim.

[1:50:34] BFF: You nailed it, both times.

[1:50:39] BFF: Thank you to our sound engineer, Fernando Castillo.

[1:50:44] BFF: And thank you to our TPS team and producer, Business Lunch Productions.

[1:50:49] BFF: BLP is a leading creative agency based in New York City, working with creatives all over the world.

[1:50:58] BFF: And thank you to the Mark O'Donnell Theater at the Entertainment Community Fun Arts Center for having us in their space in downtown Brooklyn.

[1:51:10] BFF: Before we get to hear our last song from Tehila to close the night, we want to say, please follow us on Facebook and Instagram at the Parsnipship NY.

[1:51:20] BFF: To help support the Parsnipship and reach new audiences, please share your experience tonight here and our episodes across social media networks.

[1:51:29] BFF: You can listen to all of our past episodes on iTunes, Spotify, Broadway Podcast Network, and anywhere you get your podcasts.

[1:51:37] BFF: We have actually over 50 radio plays recorded, and you're sure to find a story that you will love.

[1:51:42] BFF: So check us out.

[1:51:43] BFF: Our next live episode recording will be on March 27th for Cockfight by Peter Gill Sheridan.

[1:51:51] BFF: This episode was produced by the Parsnipship and Business Lunch Productions.

[1:51:55] BFF: New plays, new music.

[1:51:57] BFF: This is How We Hear Theater.

[1:51:59] BFF: And we're gonna wrap up our night with our wonderful musician Tehila.

[1:52:04] BFF: Take it away.

[1:52:23] ♪ Musical number ♪

[1:52:23] Take your time.

[1:52:28] Don't write.

[1:52:41] Everybody still got a plan to be better.

[1:52:49] I won't stand for anything less.

[1:52:54] I don't need no dry roses.

[1:52:59] No dry roses.

[1:53:02] No dry roses.

[1:53:04] Uncomfortable situations I avoided.

[1:53:09] Cause I need to be situated.

[1:53:14] I need to be situated.

[1:53:22] No dry roses.

[1:53:24] Uncomfortable situations.

[1:53:27] I avoided.

[1:53:35] I need to be situated.

[1:53:41] Structure up the make it.

[1:53:49] Structure up and make us make it structure up the make with me, ladies.

[1:53:57] I will happy basic.

[1:54:01] It's funny how you were the one to leave me when I needed you to know and I take pride in being the one who took my soul and carefully molded it.

[1:54:01] I take pride in being the one who took my soul and carefully molded in.

[1:54:39] I need no jail, no girls.

[1:54:54] Silence is golden.

[1:54:55] Sometimes I wish my lips were frozen.

[1:54:58] So these words wouldn't piss you like the nails in the palms of Christ.

[1:55:02] Oh my life.

[1:55:04] I've been talking instead of listening.

[1:55:07] A does yell, no back talk, yet I still mumble.

[1:55:11] Is it possible to humble someone's opposite?

[1:55:17] Someone's opposed.

[1:55:24] Silence is golden.

[1:55:26] Sometimes I wish my lips were frozen.

[1:55:30] I need no try roses.

[1:55:35] Thank you for coming tonight.