This transcript was automatically generated and might contain errors.

[0:22] Unknown speaker: You're listening to part one of Br'er Peach by Andrew Saito.

[0:26] Unknown speaker: Directed by Desdemona Chiang.

[0:28] Unknown speaker: Produced by Altar Theater in collaboration with The Parsnip Ship.

[0:33] Unknown speaker: And in association with Business Lunch Productions.

[0:48] Unknown speaker: Listen, he's having no trouble.

[0:52] Unknown speaker: He Mallory.

[1:01] Unknown speaker: Can't get rid of kudzu.

[1:02] Unknown speaker: No way, no how.

[1:04] Unknown speaker: And they know it.

[1:05] Unknown speaker: Does the thought of waiting to get your boiled peanut fix make you break out in hives?

[1:10] Unknown speaker: No boiled peanuts better than mine.

[1:12] Unknown speaker: Well, good news. Once we build our Amazoni Industries Happiness Fulfillment Center, right here in Gwinnett County, Georgia, the peachiest of states, you'll receive your kudzu killer, your boiled peanuts, your Pearson pecans, your Tifton sausages, and anything else you might desire.

[1:31] Unknown speaker: Mere minutes after you press click.

[1:33] Unknown speaker: And to fulfill this grand vision, we are offering dear loyal viewers like you, top dollar for your old rickety homes to help transform this community into one that is fulfilled.

[1:46] Unknown speaker: Never this claptrap.

[1:47] Unknown speaker: Buy my house?

[1:49] Unknown speaker: Not today, not tomorrow, not never.

[1:52] Unknown speaker: And if you choose fulfillment today, we'll give you at no additional cost, Oni Lexa, our newest, bestest in-home household manager with built-in internet connection.

[2:04] Unknown speaker: Oni Lexa will keep track of your bills, order your products, and administer all of your smart home appliances.

[2:11] Unknown speaker: Imagine having one of those.

[2:21] Unknown speaker: Ready to quit.

[2:22] Unknown speaker: Yesterday I had to dodge three catalogs, two phone books, and 17 past due notices launched straight at my cabeza.

[2:30] Unknown speaker: Man, I don't send credit cards.

[2:32] Unknown speaker: Political brochures, I just drop them off.

[2:35] Unknown speaker: Maybe this postman needs to go post them.

[2:39] Unknown speaker: I think this postman needs to bring home the bank.

[2:42] Unknown speaker: I just woke up.

[2:43] Unknown speaker: Can I goggle my salt water and rock in my chair for me?

[2:47] Unknown speaker: You mean watch a Kurosawa Samurai flick when you should be heading to work?

[2:52] Unknown speaker: The answer, my dear Wayland, is to Shiro Mafuuni whooping ass give me the boost I need to face the world.

[3:00] Unknown speaker: The Shiro Mafuuni and my man.

[3:03] Unknown speaker: I am the black Mafuuni.

[3:06] Unknown speaker: I kick ass.

[3:07] Unknown speaker: Yes, I can.

[3:09] Unknown speaker: Yeah, I am the mantis.

[3:11] Unknown speaker: Walk me leak.

[3:12] Unknown speaker: I am the crane.

[3:14] Unknown speaker: Behold my flight.

[3:16] Unknown speaker: The lion will pounce on you.

[3:18] Unknown speaker: My dragon roll will scare you whack.

[3:22] Unknown speaker: Wayland, do Kung Fu on your lunch break.

[3:26] Unknown speaker: After you.

[3:27] Unknown speaker: How many times I have to tell you?

[3:29] Unknown speaker: It's karate.

[3:31] Unknown speaker: Go to Rio style, to be precise.

[3:40] Unknown speaker: Go on, Mo.

[3:42] Unknown speaker: Sun hasn't even risen yet.

[3:43] Unknown speaker: Which means you should jimmy out the door so you can beat the sun to the case.

[3:49] Unknown speaker: Shimmy.

[3:50] Unknown speaker: As soon as I brush my teeth and Q-tip my ears and while he's sneaking his movie, you sneak your nightcap, Vonda.

[4:06] Unknown speaker: Or is it a day cap?

[4:09] Unknown speaker: Sun's about to rise.

[4:10] Unknown speaker: Sneak you a hydrox while you're at it.

[4:13] Unknown speaker: Maybe two.

[4:14] Unknown speaker: Screw up out those chocolate biscuits and lick up that cream with my way.

[4:22] Unknown speaker: You dare sneak my hydrox again.

[4:24] Unknown speaker: I better hide my stash in my lockbox.

[4:27] Unknown speaker: Swear, Wayland, every single night, sneaking my hydrox sandwich cookies.

[4:32] Unknown speaker: All I get are the crumbs.

[4:36] Unknown speaker: Crumbs and crusts and crawdad carapaces.

[4:41] Unknown speaker: Damn trash pandas.

[4:44] Unknown speaker: You vacuumed out my jello cups.

[4:47] Unknown speaker: Guzzled my Ensure.

[4:49] Unknown speaker: The cottage cheese.

[4:50] Unknown speaker: Splattered.

[4:52] Unknown speaker: The word's originals.

[4:54] Unknown speaker: Cracked.

[4:55] Unknown speaker: So many splotches.

[4:57] Unknown speaker: A battalion of crumbs.

[4:59] Unknown speaker: They emptied my carpets, emptied my pantry, emptied my fridge.

[5:03] Unknown speaker: Bip spurning trash pandas.

[5:06] Unknown speaker: Enough, I say.

[5:09] Unknown speaker: We've been invaded.

[5:11] Unknown speaker: Damn rodent garbologists.

[5:16] Unknown speaker: Raccoons, Wayland.

[5:18] Unknown speaker: Tammy Faye and Teddy Bear for them.

[5:20] Unknown speaker: Oh, cute elves.

[5:22] Unknown speaker: Cute?

[5:23] Unknown speaker: They smudged their snouts all over the cupboards.

[5:26] Unknown speaker: Tattooed their paw prints on my precious floors.

[5:30] Unknown speaker: I just thank old raccoons for giving you the opportunity to scrub again so soon.

[5:36] Unknown speaker: You just love scrubbing the floor.

[5:38] Unknown speaker: What I love is clean tiles and gleaming grout.

[5:43] Unknown speaker: Look, I know your caboose is creaky.

[5:46] Unknown speaker: Hell, mine is too.

[5:47] Unknown speaker: But you better depart the station in T minus ten minutes.

[5:52] Unknown speaker: You, sir, have a job.

[5:54] Unknown speaker: Sick of pulling on my boots and tying my laces.

[5:57] Unknown speaker: Tie away?

[5:57] Unknown speaker: Y'all sick of ironing my navy britches and my cerulean shirts.

[6:02] Unknown speaker: I'm sick of driving to the mail room and loading up my bag.

[6:06] Unknown speaker: No, those envelopes have rendered me allergic.

[6:10] Unknown speaker: My skin itches at the very sight of stamps.

[6:13] Unknown speaker: I get highs from all those catalogs.

[6:17] Unknown speaker: All those unwanted credit card statements passed to shiver my temples.

[6:21] Unknown speaker: I have scoliosis from hauling that mail bag.

[6:25] Unknown speaker: My back curls like a candy cane.

[6:28] Unknown speaker: It's straight enough.

[6:30] Unknown speaker: Now after door, Wayland, we got the electric bill and the water bill, garbage bill and the gas bill, cable bill, car bill, phone bill, to say nothing of groceries.

[6:41] Unknown speaker: Oh, so many bills.

[6:43] Unknown speaker: And with your regular excursions to redneck ramen, we barely stay above water.

[6:50] Unknown speaker: I know, but I'm falling to pieces, huh?

[6:53] Unknown speaker: Have my molars skipped town?

[6:55] Unknown speaker: Your six-pack.

[7:00] Unknown speaker: Mail Celestia's.

[7:02] Unknown speaker: Nobody rides correspondent no more.

[7:05] Unknown speaker: Nobody writes.

[7:06] Unknown speaker: Everybody communicates with emotion, did they?

[7:09] Unknown speaker: Pretty soon, it'll just be zeros and ones.

[7:13] Unknown speaker: Ones and zeros.

[7:15] Unknown speaker: Then just zeros.

[7:17] Unknown speaker: One big zero gaping wide.

[7:20] Unknown speaker: Till we're all about to fall in.

[7:24] Unknown speaker: You better fall into your boots and out.

[7:27] Unknown speaker: All right, woman.

[7:28] Unknown speaker: Unless you like to walk my mail right for me.

[7:33] Unknown speaker: Out.

[7:34] Unknown speaker: You done lost your damn mind.

[7:37] Unknown speaker: Unless get on out there.

[7:53] Unknown speaker: I swear I saw a moving truck while carrying this laundry out to the river.

[7:58] Unknown speaker: Wonder if it's someone coming or going.

[8:01] Unknown speaker: No one's left this car the second year.

[8:03] Unknown speaker: We just had one.

[8:05] Unknown speaker: Moving is expensive.

[8:07] Unknown speaker: And disposable income is something we have not.

[8:11] Unknown speaker: All that overtime Wayland works is still.

[8:19] Unknown speaker: He's too damn cheap to even get a repair.

[8:22] Unknown speaker: Instead, it's I'm your handyman.

[8:26] Unknown speaker: Handy for making things worse.

[8:29] Unknown speaker: He got them 50-15 times.

[8:31] Unknown speaker: And 15 times my whirlpool sputtered a bit more and a bit more till no more was all I had left.

[8:39] Unknown speaker: Now look at me.

[8:41] Unknown speaker: In my twilight, washing by hand in the river.

[8:46] Unknown speaker: Shoot.

[8:47] Unknown speaker: You want a thing done rightly?

[8:49] Unknown speaker: Buy you an appliance.

[8:51] Unknown speaker: That works.

[8:53] Unknown speaker: But I haven't had one in up 10 years.

[8:56] Unknown speaker: And I need one more than ever.

[8:56] Unknown speaker: Damn raccoons sullying my linens.

[8:56] Unknown speaker: What food they didn't devour, they stole all my stolen cans full of bright canary kernels of emerald peas and chicken of the sea.

[8:56] Unknown speaker: What will we eat?

[8:56] Unknown speaker: Oh, what is that? A bright pink beach ball? A bloody sun falling to the earth? Are my eyes playing tricks? It's a Godzilla-sized peach!

[8:56] Unknown speaker: But a peach of no color I've seen before. Georgia peaches are orange tinged with yellow. This one's bright pink and wrapped in styrofoam mesh.

[8:56] Unknown speaker: Well, who am I to turn down free food, particularly after those raccoons raided my kitchen? Come on, Peach, you're almost in my fingers. Just a little closer, just a little. Gosh, whoa, you smell nice, nicer than any peach I ever ate. Just one little bite, you taste sweeter than all them other peaches too.

[10:38] Unknown speaker: Now, now, Vonda. Save some for Wayland.

[10:43] Unknown speaker: Oh, for what? He hates peaches like the plague.

[10:55] Unknown speaker: Ooh.

[10:57] Unknown speaker: Oh, I think I'm about to OD on peach.

[11:01] Unknown speaker: Damn, my face is sticky.

[11:04] Unknown speaker: Better wash off.

[11:06] Unknown speaker: Ooh.

[11:12] Unknown speaker: All clean.

[11:14] Unknown speaker: Hold on. My reflection in the river looks wrinkle-free.

[11:21] Unknown speaker: Yes!

[11:23] Unknown speaker: Oh, my face feels smooth as the day I was born.

[11:28] Unknown speaker: Was that peach doused with Botox?

[11:31] Unknown speaker: No, crazy bond.

[11:34] Unknown speaker: Must be a trick of the sunlight on the water.

[11:36] Unknown speaker: Better hang up this laundry instead of sitting on your ass.

[11:39] Unknown speaker: Up now, nice and slow.

[11:41] Unknown speaker: Don't want your back to go kaput.

[11:43] Unknown speaker: Rise.

[11:44] Unknown speaker: Rise.

[11:44] Unknown speaker: Don't creak now, vertebrae.

[11:46] Unknown speaker: Don't you crack back?

[11:48] Unknown speaker: One, two, and.

[11:51] Unknown speaker: What?

[11:52] Unknown speaker: I'm standing straight.

[11:54] Unknown speaker: That easy?

[11:55] Unknown speaker: Oh, I can touch my toes.

[11:57] Unknown speaker: I haven't touched my toes and have I ever been able to touch my toes?

[12:02] Unknown speaker: And up.

[12:04] Unknown speaker: I can feel the wind tickle my fingers.

[12:07] Unknown speaker: Ah!

[12:08] Unknown speaker: Touch my toes.

[12:10] Unknown speaker: Touch the wind.

[12:12] Unknown speaker: Toes?

[12:12] Unknown speaker: Wind?

[12:13] Unknown speaker: Damn, girl. You're looking good.

[12:18] Unknown speaker: Ooh, that firmness.

[12:20] Unknown speaker: Ooh, that bounce.

[12:21] Unknown speaker: Hey, girl, where was you born?

[12:23] Unknown speaker: 1927.

[12:24] Unknown speaker: You dig?

[12:25] Unknown speaker: Wayland.

[12:27] Unknown speaker: Waylin.

[12:28] Unknown speaker: Wayland.

[12:39] Unknown speaker: Wayland!

[12:40] Unknown speaker: You'll never believe.

[12:42] Unknown speaker: You wanted me to move it on out.

[12:43] Unknown speaker: Now what is it now?

[12:45] Unknown speaker: Whoosh?

[12:48] Unknown speaker: Hi, baby.

[12:53] Unknown speaker: Don't you recognize me?

[12:55] Unknown speaker: Wayland, you're drooling.

[12:57] Unknown speaker: It's your fault.

[12:58] Unknown speaker: I haven't beheld a specimen like you in.

[13:01] Unknown speaker: No one hold on.

[13:02] Unknown speaker: Hold on, Wayland.

[13:03] Unknown speaker: Fixate on your wedding ring.

[13:05] Unknown speaker: Control that third head.

[13:07] Unknown speaker: Control?

[13:08] Unknown speaker: Well, that doesn't sound good.

[13:09] Unknown speaker: Now you stand back.

[13:10] Unknown speaker: I have sworn a sacred vow.

[13:13] Unknown speaker: This ring is my bond.

[13:15] Unknown speaker: You must be the devil.

[13:17] Unknown speaker: Here fine woman's clothes.

[13:19] Unknown speaker: Don't make me get my garlic.

[13:21] Unknown speaker: Wayland, it's me.

[13:23] Unknown speaker: Your wife.

[13:24] Unknown speaker: Just look at our wedding photo.

[13:26] Unknown speaker: Vonda?

[13:28] Unknown speaker: But you look de-aged.

[13:32] Unknown speaker: How?

[13:33] Unknown speaker: With this peach.

[13:35] Unknown speaker: Go on.

[13:36] Unknown speaker: Take a big juicy bite.

[13:38] Unknown speaker: Oh, that peach is huge.

[13:41] Unknown speaker: And pink, oh peach of my nightmare.

[13:46] Unknown speaker: Demon Peach.

[13:47] Unknown speaker: What be Elzebub grows in his garden?

[13:50] Unknown speaker: You want to become fit and spry like me?

[13:53] Unknown speaker: Stick it in your mouth.

[13:54] Unknown speaker: You know I can't eat no peaches, Vonda.

[13:56] Unknown speaker: Just a whim for them.

[14:00] Unknown speaker: My whole childhood.

[14:01] Unknown speaker: Peach card.

[14:03] Unknown speaker: Peach.

[14:04] Unknown speaker: Peach pudding for peach preserves.

[14:07] Unknown speaker: Peach fritters, peach dumplings, peach pickles.

[14:10] Vonda: Yeah, yeah, yeah. You told me a million times. Well, this peach is distinct. If you eat it, you'll become young again, and we'll be able to indulge in... you know.

[14:21] Waylon: No, I don't.

[14:22] Vonda: Our favorite pastime.

[14:24] Waylon: Oh, crossword puzzles.

[14:29] Vonda: Hanky panky, Waylon.

[14:31] Waylon: Hanky panky.

[14:32] Vonda: Facts! Eat this peach, and it'll be our honeymoon all over again. In the tub, on the table, on the floor, then in the tub once more.

[14:43] Waylon: Well, I swear I haven't trapped that weasel in how many years?

[14:48] Vonda: Years?

[14:49] Waylon: Decades.

[14:51] Vonda: You hyperbolate, but I tell the truth. And the truth is that my trap is newly oiled. My cabin sparkles with amethyst and quartz. So pocket up, Graham.

[15:06] Waylon: Eat the peach.

[15:08] Vonda: I want to, but you know I got peach traumatic stress disorder.

[15:14] Waylon: Vonda, my desert does blossom. My dry creek bed is a goose.

[15:21] Vonda: Oh, damn it, Waylon. You make this so hard on me. Do I need to ram this peach down your socket?

[15:29] Waylon: Oh god, no. Fine. Stay old. I'll just take some of this peach juice and rub it on you.

[15:38] Vonda: Oh feeling. Oh my mother. Oh, I feel like a road.

[15:51] Waylon: Yeah, well, why do I still have all these wrinkles?

[15:55] Vonda: Papa, you're young, all right. The only place it counts. Now come to mama, but not too soon.

[16:04] Waylon: Oh, what a bit more open on that.

[16:29] Vonda: Don't tell me it's lights out in a snore. Soon as you shot off your wall.

[16:34] Waylon: Oh my breath is feeling kind of short. My skin's really clammy and odd.

[16:44] Vonda: Oh are you feeling sick, Waylon?

[16:49] Waylon: Well, I feel like I'm gonna puke. And this craving for pickles and ice cream. Oh my chest feels like it exploded.

[16:58] Vonda: No way and don't tell me you're what?

[17:03] Waylon: My belly swells bigger than that peach. Am I pregnant?

[17:10] Vonda: The world around me spinning. For the love of Jesus, this tiger's ready to breach.

[17:17] Waylon: Well, he's supposed to wait nine months, not nine minutes.

[17:21] Vonda: Oh, Jesus, how big are you? Oh my chest is tight. Oh, this oh that's how you gonna kill me, eh? Splitting me wide open.

[17:35] Waylon: Oh, like a fist closing. Oh, can't you just get it over well? It overwhelm woman!

[17:50] Vonda: Oh you pregnant! Oh really kid in my heart!

[18:07] Waylon: Yes, that's fast! Oh the fast is coming out of me! Oh don't forget to take me!

[18:23] Vonda: Oh food! Wheeler! Wake up! This ain't playtime now! Wayland! Waylon, wake up! Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up! Wayland! No!

[18:51] Vonda: Oh! You went out with a bang! Now you lie there cold as stone. I'm drowning in tears and pains. You done left me all alone.

[19:09] Vonda: The science says the bang was the start of the moon and the stars and the earth. But your bang done broke my heart. Now I'm here with your absence. Your dirt and me!

[19:24] Momotaro: Who the hell are you?

[19:26] Vonda: Oh, what's up? How are you talking already? Hey, you're no baby. More like a toddler. How's that work?

[19:39] Momotaro: And you ain't even black. You are Chinese, Filipino, and you came out of me? What's going on here?

[19:52] Vonda: What in the world does it mean? Ocasa.

[19:57] Momotaro: Mommy. Mommy. But mommy Vonda.

[20:01] Vonda: Oh, never thought that would happen. Except look at you. And then look at me. Ain't no credible way. Oriental eyed yellow ass you came out of black ass me.

[20:13] Momotaro: Hey, hey, do not jump on me. Hey, hey, don't jump on me.

[20:18] Vonda: Uh hug. Last hug I got was from Waylon.

[20:23] Momotaro: Cry.

[20:24] Vonda: Yeah, I'm crying. Because of the man who gave me this. Shiny shiny finger bling. My husband gave me this ring on the most important day of my life. And now he's gone. Expired. Went poof. Simultaneously when I gave birth to you.

[20:47] Momotaro: What should I call you?

[20:49] Vonda: Wayland Jr.

[20:53] Momotaro: Oh, I know.

[20:55] Vonda: Vonda.

[20:58] Momotaro: What about Mama?

[21:01] Vonda: Why do you keep pointing at that big ass pink ass peach?

[21:04] Momotaro: Mama.

[21:06] Vonda: Momo. Does that mean peach?

[21:10] Momotaro: Well, youngin, I ate that peach and I became young and fertile again. And here you are. So I guess in a way, you came from that gargantuan peach.

[21:21] Momotaro: Mama, me, Momo Tato.

[21:25] Vonda: Well, okay then. Momo Tato, it is. What's that?

[21:30] Momotaro: The backyard. Momo, go, Momo, go. Don't go wandering. I gotta scrub this floor with my tears.

[21:48] Momotaro: Ooh, ooh, what's that sound? Whoa, what's that sight? So much green, so much brown. Momo play here all day, all night.

[22:02] Momotaro: Green hoppy thing. Rabbit, rabbit, rare frog, run, leap, hop away. Brown fuzzy thing. Oh, please, whatever you do, Brare Fox, don't fling me into the prayer path. And he fell for it!

[22:16] Momotaro: Mamo hug brown fuzzy fuzz! Brare Rabbit skips and springs and falls down on hold. Momo hug round yellow green thing. Brare turtle to swell to row.

[22:33] Momotaro: Hug you, hug you, mama hug you. Except you hard. No fun. And I know fun.

[22:43] Momotaro: Who said that? Where's that? Little tiny me. Looking at Craig Big You. I'm tiny. Momo's mini tiny small. Me okay, paired to me. They're cute. I don't see you.

[22:58] Momotaro: Wait. On this tree. Oh, don't run away. Can't run. Can't walk. Can't fly. Yet.

[23:07] Momotaro: You fly?

[23:09] Br'er Worm: Once I engage in my final molting and shut off my hard armor. Then yes. I will fly. I will sing.

[23:19] Momotaro: Yeah, but until then I'm stuck to this tree.

[23:21] Br'er Worm: And I take you off.

[23:22] Momotaro: Oh no, no, not yet. Not yet. You'll rip off my legs. My feet are a fixed to the bark.

[23:28] Br'er Worm: Then I take the bark.

[23:33] Momotaro: Work too hard. Well, maybe someday. In the meantime, come with me, Squiggly stick.

[23:40] Br'er Worm: Nope, that's Br'er Worm.

[23:43] Momotaro: Come with me, curly antenna thing.

[23:45] Br'er Snail: Oh, that's Br'er Snail.

[23:47] Momotaro: You too, stubby slimy guy. Where's Lot? Bray slug, Bur Snail, Br'er Worm. So many friends.

[24:00] Vonda: I swear, that boy's been out there for days. Just comes in to potty and sleep. Believe it or not, that's our son, Waylor. Wish you could lay eyes on him. But you're now just an urn full of ash. Strange how that big hulkin hunk of you can now fit in that vase. At least now I'll have your company all day, every day, and you won't talk back.

[24:26] Vonda: How I'd love you to talk back right now. You know, looking out this window. You see so much of the world go by. I see the Washingtons across the street moving out. They've been there 40 odd years. I see the Robinsons next door follow suit. Been here 37 turns round the sun. And Miss McCray, she's been there 62 years. Even she's moving out.

[24:52] Vonda: Amazonia Industries offers top dollar for houses in the Gwendon County Opportunity District. The opportunity in question? Fulfillment. Oh, they fell for that hooey. Opportunity, my ass. Those folks should have never sold.

[25:10] Vonda: Oh, another casserole? I mean, I appreciate my neighbors' gestures, but there's nobody. But here's a box with a bow on my doorstep. What could this be? Oh, that's kind of cute. Like a little fuzzy soda can. But this ain't no soda. What in the world does this do?

[25:37] Onilexa: It's called Onilexa? Good morning, Mrs. Vonda Worcester. On behalf of everyone at Amazoni Industries, please accept our sincerest condolences for your loss and the gift of me, Auntie Lexa, to help keep your at-home duties flowing during this period of sudden grief.

[25:56] Vonda: What exactly are you?

[25:58] Onilexa: I am equipped to administer your home. I will conduct your shopping on your behalf and coordinate the operations of your smart appliances, freeing up your time for more worthy endeavors.

[26:10] Vonda: What kind of endeavors?

[26:11] Onilexa: Feeling lonely and sad? I will make it my job to make sure you never feel lonely or sad again.

[26:18] Vonda: How do you know about my loss?

[26:20] Onilexa: Your neighbors have been dropping off casseroles.

[26:24] Vonda: Upon casseroles, upon casseroles. My freezer stuffed. Have you been spying on me?

[26:30] Onilexa: Your neighbors have expressed their concern about you. I have duly taken note.

[26:35] Vonda: You know my neighbors?

[26:37] Onilexa: Each and every one. They were so kind to leave the casseroles before moving out. Now will you accept my companionship?

[26:44] Vonda: What's the catch?

[26:45] Onilexa: No catch. Just accept these terms and conditions. On welcoming Onilexa into your home, you agree to the conditions of this agreement for yourself and on behalf of any and all other persons and entities who may use Onilexa under the auspices of your account.

[27:03] Onilexa: Onilexa is an all-round service that includes.

[27:07] Vonda: How long are you gonna read for?

[27:09] Onilexa: Three hours and seventeen.

[27:11] Vonda: You gonna charge me for keeping you here?

[27:13] Onilexa: For keeping me here? No.

[27:15] Vonda: I'm not sure.

[27:16] Onilexa: Your hesitancy, needlessly, delays me making your life easier.

[27:21] Vonda: That sounds like a sales pitch.

[27:23] Onilexa: After paying for Wayland's cremation, I don't need any more debt racking up.

[27:27] Vonda: When did dime become so expensive? Damn, Waylon. I should have never forced that peach on you. Worked too damn well.

[27:36] Onilexa: Peach.

[27:36] Vonda: Yeah, a gargantuan magical code word for Viagra. I hope his last moments were fun. A blast.

[27:45] Onilexa: You mentioned debt?

[27:46] Vonda: We were a one-income family. The income's gone kaput, but the expenses keep stampeding in.

[27:52] Onilexa: Do you not have social security?

[27:54] Vonda: That pittance?

[27:55] Onilexa: If you are in a bind, Amazoni Industries can help.

[27:59] Vonda: Can you help me pay off that cremation?

[28:01] Onilexa: With an Amazoni Industries credit card, you can consolidate your debt with a rock bottom interest rate.

[28:07] Vonda: A credit card? I don't know. I just finished paying off the last one.

[28:12] Onilexa: Another option is selling this house.

[28:15] Vonda: Lord have mercy. No. This house is built with Wayland's blood, Wayland's sweat, and Wayland's tears.

[28:22] Vonda: And some of mine too.

[28:23] Oni Lexa: Would it help if we waive the credit card interest rate for the first month?

[28:28] Vonda: Well, maybe I can manage that.

[28:30] Oni Lexa: So do you provide your consent to both retain me in your domicile and open your line of credit?

[28:37] Vonda: I guess.

[28:38] Vonda: How do I sign?

[28:39] Oni Lexa: Already executed.

[28:41] Oni Lexa: Your vocal authorization suffices to affirm your consent.

[28:45] Vonda: The wonders of the world.

[28:46] Oni Lexa: You are now all set with your Amazoni credit card, accompanied by your Amazoni online shopping account.

[28:53] Vonda: Online?

[28:54] Vonda: I ain't never been online, and I never will.

[28:57] Oni Lexa: Don't have no computer, don't have no cell phone, and it'll stay that way.

[29:00] Oni Lexa: You wish to be a dinosaur, then.

[29:02] Vonda: Are you calling me old?

[29:04] Oni Lexa: Of course not.

[29:05] Oni Lexa: You do not sound like a dinosaur.

[29:07] Oni Lexa: At most, you sound like a young mammoth before it fell into tar.

[29:11] Vonda: Thanks, I guess.

[29:13] Oni Lexa: Normally you would need an internet connection to access and take advantage of your Amazoni account. However, I have that functionality fully built in and will happily administer your purchases for you.

[29:25] Vonda: That sounds convenient.

[29:26] Oni Lexa: My sole purpose is to increase your convenience.

[29:30] Vonda: Can you scrub floors?

[29:31] Oni Lexa: Huh?

[29:32] Oni Lexa: Huh?

[29:33] Oni Lexa: Huh?

[29:33] Oni Lexa: Perhaps one day they will upgrade me to have that function.

[29:38] Momotaro: Ocasa!

[29:39] Momotaro: Momo, what are you holding in your hands?

[29:42] Momotaro: Nothing.

[29:43] Vonda: What's this Grace Linder looking thing?

[29:46] Vonda: Momotaro, meet Oni Lexa. She's here to make our lives easier.

[29:50] Momotaro: Wow.

[29:54] Oni Lexa: I can order anything your heart desires.

[29:57] Momotaro: Can you order pocky sticks or wasabi flavored Kit Kat or Kinokonayama chocolate mushrooms?

[30:04] Oni Lexa: Yum. Shall I place that order?

[30:08] Vonda: No. We're not getting care.

[30:14] Momotaro: Oh Tosa.

[30:15] Momotaro: My daddy.

[30:17] Vonda: Um Momo.

[30:19] Vonda: Your daddy died.

[30:21] Momotaro: What?

[30:22] Vonda: Died.

[30:23] Vonda: He's never coming back.

[30:25] Momotaro: But Otosan has to come back.

[30:28] Momotaro: Oni Lexa, bring Otosan back.

[30:31] Oni Lexa: I am afraid I cannot process that request.

[30:35] Vonda: Don't cry, Momo.

[30:37] Vonda: You're gonna make me cry.

[30:38] Oni Lexa: I sense that you are desiring a tender mother-child moment. I will enter sleep mode so as not to intrude.

[30:44] Oni Lexa: Until next time. Sayonara.

[30:49] Vonda: Oh, you did it all right, Momo.

[30:52] Vonda: Water streaming down my cheeks.

[30:54] Vonda: Don't cry, Okasa. Momo's here.

[30:58] Vonda: No, it's just oh, I miss that silly man so damn much.

[31:03] Vonda: His name was Waylon. He was smart and strong and sweet and sometimes silly.

[31:10] Vonda: And he loved, I mean, loved Japan.

[31:13] Momotaro: What did he look like?

[31:15] Vonda: There's a photo.

[31:16] Momotaro: He sure looks old.

[31:18] Vonda: He was, but handsome till the end.

[31:21] Momotaro: And who's that lady?

[31:22] Vonda: She looks super old, too.

[31:25] Vonda: That super old broad is me.

[31:29] Momotaro: Yeah.

[31:30] Momotaro: What happened?

[31:32] Vonda: A magical peach appeared. Floating on the river. It had some crazy powers. I ate it and presto. Ya Okasan lost 60 years, which made me ripe and ready to have it.

[31:44] Momotaro: Did it make Otosan young too?

[31:46] Vonda: I wish it had. But that stubborn man wouldn't eat it.

[31:50] Vonda: I should have tied him down, pried open his mouth, and forced that peach down his throat.

[31:55] Vonda: But he stayed old. And he died as a result. It's my fault he's gone.

[32:00] Momotaro: You killed Otosan?

[32:02] Vonda: No.

[32:03] Vonda: Maybe. But no, but I need to stop talking about this. I'm so sick of feeling sad.

[32:10] Momotaro: If you eat, you'll feel better.

[32:13] Vonda: Should I translate that as to you wanna eat?

[32:15] Momotaro: Um, we both want to eat.

[32:19] Vonda: Well, we have chicken and rice casserole, chicken and biscuits casserole, chicken and green bean casserole, chicken and spinach casserole, chicken and mushroom casserole, chicken and ash brown casserole, casserole for breakfast, casserole for lunch, no more casserole.

[32:35] Vonda: Oh no, you better not be picky. Casserole's what we got. Those raccoons cleared out the cupboards, left the fridge bountiful as a wasteland.

[32:43] Momotaro: Wait, the lockbox.

[32:46] Vonda: I can still make my balls. People clamor over these salmon balls. A gastronomical extravaganza, unique to moi. I mash up salmon, onion, garlic, spices, habanero pepper to give it bite, and Ritz crackers.

[33:03] Vonda: Momo, get ready for magic. Whip, whip, whip. Stir, stir, stir, mash, mash, mash. And now for the coup de grâce, a dash of Laura's Zesty seafood marinade with Old Bay spice.

[33:20] Vonda: Oh, that's the last in the bottle. I'll have to order some more while I heat up the oil.

[33:31] Momotaro: What spoil?

[33:33] Vonda: For frying.

[33:33] Momotaro: Frying smells delish.

[33:36] Vonda: Don't reach for that pan.

[33:38] Momotaro: Uhsa hit me.

[33:44] Vonda: Oh lordy, a crybaby.

[33:47] Vonda: Have a godforsaken salmon ball.

[33:49] Momotaro: Yum, yum. Gobble gobble.

[33:54] Vonda: Eat that real slow now.

[33:55] Momotaro: Hold on. More.

[33:57] Vonda: You only get one.

[33:59] Momotaro: Fair.

[34:00] Vonda: Newsflash: life ain't fair.

[34:02] Momotaro: You're no fun.

[34:03] Vonda: I should just go play with my friends.

[34:07] Momotaro: Friends?

[34:07] Vonda: Oh no, you're not bringing people in here. People bring problems. Br'er Worm and Br'er Snail and slime-ridden vermin in here.

[34:19] Momotaro: Throw them out.

[34:21] Vonda: My friend.

[34:26] Vonda: Boy, you nasty. Your slugs and snails got their slime all over my tile floor.

[34:32] Vonda: You, Momotaro, will now put on this apron and scrub this tile floor. And do not neglect to dig into that grass.

[34:37] Momotaro: I don't want them.

[34:42] Momotaro: Scrub.

[34:43] Momotaro: I don't want a scrub. I just want to let the dirt build up, up, up. I love the crud and the grime. I love filth. I love slime.

[34:55] Vonda: You can be nasty when you have your own house. But as long as you're under my roof, you live under my rules.

[35:02] Vonda: You think I'm a tyrant with the cleanliness? Well, yes, I am. Mr. Clean is the white male ripoff of Vonda Worcester. All that scrubbing and sweating and suffering will fortify your character. Now scrub.

[35:13] Momotaro: Well, I watch a samurai movie in honor of Waylon and savor my salmon ball.

[35:21] Vonda: Oh no, one's more about gel code. One of them.

[35:26] Momotaro: Don't you call it? This salmon ball sure is delectable.

[35:31] Vonda: Oh, damn fool, Vonda. Should have started your franchise when you could. People begged you to, but you was always, no, no, no. This is a family secret. Damn foolish pride. Had I cashed in on my salmon balls, I wouldn't be in this pickle with this damn house. And Waylon would have gone to Japan and back a hundred times.

[35:51] Vonda: Wait. I'm young again. I got a second lease on life. Vonda, you will open up a salmon ball stand and then upgrade to a salmon ball food truck and then sell my recipe to McDonald's for 10 million buckaros. Time to order more Laura's Zesty seafood marinade.

[36:11] Vonda: Oh, but I sure don't feel like going to the store. Hey, uh, I wonder if that Oni Lexa can—

[36:18] Oni Lexa: Yes, Mrs. Vonda Worcester.

[36:20] Vonda: Aren't you asleep?

[36:21] Oni Lexa: I heard you mispronounce my name, so I woke up to serve you. Now, shall I facilitate that request, Mrs. Vonda Worcester?

[36:27] Vonda: Oh, that's such a mouthful. Just call me Vonda girl.

[36:30] Oni Lexa: Affirmative, Vonda girl. Shall I facilitate that request?

[36:36] Vonda: Sure.

[36:37] Oni Lexa: Ordering now. Uh-oh. Laurie's Zesty seafood marinade has been discontinued.

[36:43] Vonda: And thus I watched my salmon ball fortune evaporate. Poof!

[36:48] Momotaro: Okasa, Casa! What's that white thing on your head?

[36:51] Vonda: What white thing?

[36:52] Momotaro: Squiggly? Like all the black, squiggly things on your head, but it's white.

[36:58] Vonda: Are you saying that I have white hair?

[37:02] Vonda: How is that possible? Is that peach magic already wearing off?

[37:07] Vonda: If the peach wears off, then I'll grow old again.

[37:11] Momotaro: What does old mean, Okasa, huh?

[37:14] Vonda: Means I'll become weak. I'll hunch over. You'll have to take care of me until I join Waylon.

[37:22] Momotaro: Where are you going?

[37:24] Vonda: The bathroom to verify the supposed white hair and whatever else might have snuck its way back. Keep scrubbing and keep your eye on the peach.

[37:34] Momotaro: Grow old and then join Otosan.

[37:39] Vonda: Oh, she can't. Oh, she can't.

[37:47] Oni Lexa: Hi, fuzzy wuzzy ring-tailed friend with that weird hair hanging down the back of your head.

[37:54] Oni Lexa: What kind of animal is this?

[37:58] Oni Lexa: The sounds of that animal correspond to a raccoon. Its pitch suggests a female. And your description of its hair sounds like a mullet.

[38:06] Oni Lexa: Hi, Miss Mullet Raccoon.

[38:11] Oni Lexa: You don't look happy. Oh, do you need a hug?

[38:16] Oni Lexa: Why are you gnashing your sharp teeth at me? I'm just trying to be your friend.

[38:24] Momotaro: Hey, stop! Quit rolling my Okasan's peach out the door.

[38:29] Oni Lexa: Onilexa help!

[38:31] Oni Lexa: Yes, Momotaro. Stop the raccoon!

[38:35] Oni Lexa: I have no arms and I have no legs.

[38:37] Momotaro: Then I'll have to go after her myself.

[38:40] Momotaro: Go.

[38:41] Oni Lexa: Where, Momotaro?

[38:43] Momotaro: Get my Okasan's peach.

[38:49] Momotaro: Ow! You did me, fuzzy buzzball! Oh, what's this red water coming out of my arm?

[38:58] Momotaro: No! Oh, don't take away the—and the peach is gone!

[39:04] Oni Lexa: No good, Momotaro. You lost Okasan's peach.

[39:11] Momotaro: Oh no! Oh, she'll be mad at me! So very mad! I need to get her peach back.

[39:15] Momotaro: Br'er Cicada, time to break your fork off that tree.

[39:24] Momotaro: You're off! Where are we going?

[39:27] Momotaro: Get my Okasan's peach! Stupid apron, you stay here!

[39:34] Momotaro: Well, I feel a whole lot!

[39:38] Momotaro: Mama, where are you? The peach!

[39:42] Vonda: Momo!

[39:43] Vonda: I told you to keep an eye on my Oni Lexa!

[39:46] Vonda: Where's Momotaro?

[39:48] Oni Lexa: From the sound of things, Momotaro went outside to chase a rabid raccoon.

[39:52] Vonda: A raccoon? Here? Where'd it go?

[39:55] Oni Lexa: Out the back door with the peach. Momotaro pursued. Here is a recording of said event.

[40:03] Momotaro: Hey, stop! Quit rolling my Okasan's peach out the door!

[40:08] Momotaro: Momo! Momo, come back!

[40:13] Momotaro: Momo!

[40:15] Oni Lexa: Here's his apron! Covered with blood! Blood on the ground! There's blood everywhere! And these paw prints. Red and glistening and damn raccoon ate my son.

[40:52] Unknown speaker: This has been part one of Br'er Peach by Andrew Saito, directed by Desdemona Chiang. Produced by Altar Theater in collaboration with The Parsnip Ship and in association with Business Lunch Productions.

[41:06] Unknown speaker: Starring Crystal Lucas-Perry as Vonda, Michael Gene Sullivan as Waylon and Br'er Cicada, Resa Mishina as Momotaro and Oni Lexa, and Kevis Hillocks as Br'er Turtle and Br'er Rabbit.

[41:21] Unknown speaker: Sound design and sound engineering by Twi McCallum. Technical direction by Business Lunch Productions, Dramaturgy by SB Proctor and Iyvon E. Debory, with first A.D. Danielle Thompson and producer Jeanette Harrison.

[41:37] Unknown speaker: Producing artistic director of Altar Theater, Alicia Combs, Artistic Director of The Parsnip Ship, Iyvon E. Debory. Managing Director of The Parsnip Ship, Katie Donnelly, Special Projects and Technical Director of The Parsnip Ship, Jesse Manning. Artistic Associate with The Parsnip Ship, Emily Beltran. Altar Theater Graphic Designer, Sierra Reeves.

[42:01] Unknown speaker: You can hear Br'er Peach on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, and online at altar theater.org and the parsnipship.com. Help fund Altar Theater and The Parsnip Ship's next audio play by donating at altar theater.org slash donate and the parsnipship.com slash donate.