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[1:04] Tony Howell: If you don't hear this today from anyone else, you're gonna hear from me that you are love and you are loved. And that is something I actually say to myself every day, at least three times a day. Why three times a day? Because it's when I eat meals. So when I, you know, I kind of bless my food, and the first thing I say is, I am love, I am loved. And it's not that I don't know I'm loved by other people, but in my field, I could be in another city, I could go a whole day without talking to my partner, and you just may not hear that from someone else. And it's not because people in your life don't love you, but life happens, and you may not hear from someone else. So why not hear from yourself?

[1:48] Tony Howell: Hello, it's Tony Howell, and welcome to the Tony Howell Podcast: Conversations with Changemakers. On this month's episode, we speak with Antuan Magic Raimone, author of Becoming Magic, a TEDx speaker, and Broadway performer with 20 years of experience. His credits include six years as the universal swing for the Pulitzer Prize-winning global phenomenon, Hamilton, as well as the four-time Tony Award-winning musical In the Heights. Antuan is a survivor of repeated childhood sexual abuse and is on the front lines fighting for victims as a Soldier of Love, his registered trademark and movement. You will soon hear his universal messages of hope and inspiration for all. After 26 episodes, this might be my favorite. Enjoy.

[2:55] Tony Howell: Antuan, I'm so excited to chat with you. And the first thing I wanted to share is one of the favorite things, one of your catchphrases that I love. So let me be the first to tell you this morning. Thank you. Thank you so much. I know it's a very special time in your life because you have just finished six years with the global phenomenon Hamilton. So we're gonna dive into that. But how are you feeling today now that you're no longer a part of the company currently?

[3:30] Antuan Magic Raimone: It feels different, and it also feels the same because it's, you know, it's a Tuesday morning, and my morning is kind of how I usually is. I wake up, I watch the news, I do my morning meditation. What will be different is around five o'clock today, I will go to the theater to pick up my tour trunk that's been there. And so I'll pick that up and I'll bring that home. And this is the first time since I've been given the tour trunk that it will actually live in my home. So that will be a first big like, oh, yep, we're really locking into this thing that it's not your day-to-day anymore. So I think there are gonna be several of those moments in the coming weeks where life is happening for me, but it's not, but Hamilton is not a piece of that life. So those I'm going to see a show tonight on a Tuesday evening. I don't have to call out, I can just go to the theater.

[4:20] Tony Howell: So exciting. I mean, I personally don't know how A, your brain could do that, and B, like your mental health can handle the stress and anxiety of anyone calling at any moment. I personally know that you just shared as well, like hours of stories about Hamilton on your Instagram, which I'll embed with this episode. But yeah, looking back and from this week of storytelling, what are some of your all-time favorite moments with the show?

[4:46] Antuan Magic Raimone: I'll start most recent. So in September of 2021, I went out to the LA company, and it was my first time working with them, although several of the people in that company, like it was the company was created from people from all other companies of Hamilton. So there were people that had been in the Chicago production, and I had spent three years with the Chicago production, so I knew several of them. There were some other cast members that we had worked together doing In the Heights many years ago, and I know we're gonna touch on that a little bit later. So it was nice to see people that I've worked with in some capacity over the past decade, and then the people that I had never seen or never worked with were so warm and wonderful and welcoming.

Because that's something about being a universal swing, and we'll specify what that means also in the interview. So please hold listeners. But something about being a universal swing is when you come into a new company, oftentimes those people have gone through six weeks of rehearsal, tech weeks, previews, opening nights, all of these things, and then you just get thrown in there and they have a momentum, they have a cohesiveness, they have an energy that they've created with each other. And I have to come in. It's like transferring to a new school. Genuinely, that is the emotional and mental feeling of the thing is okay. I'm here at this new school, even though we all are kind of doing the same lessons, but it's new energies.

And so to have gone to that company and for them to be so welcoming, I connected with them on such a level that I did not anticipate. And at this point, I've been doing the show since 2016, and this was 2021. And so when I left there, I was so sad to leave those people. And I was scheduled to go back to them in January of this year, but their closing date got moved up from June of this year to March. So it didn't make sense for me to go back to their company. So I never got to say goodbye to them. But I will because I'm flying to LA this weekend for their closing night.

[6:39] Tony Howell: Ah, so fun. Well, I guess like two, I don't want to dwell the whole time on Hamilton because we have so much to talk about. But you know, we have this thing, we still have this thing called coronavirus. So you are the glue that often, you know, saves the show. So I guess my question for you is like, how has that been particularly in the last two years? I'm sure your job was a little bit more difficult and maybe a little bit more frequent.

[7:07] Antuan Magic Raimone: Yes, it was. And I can say easily that two of my most stressful work moments have occurred in the last six months. And part of that corona adjacent, it was a combination of an actor had gotten their booster shot. And so they, you know, were given a sick day around booster shots because everyone's body responds differently to them. So that actor took their booster day, and then one of our other male swings happened to also be out sick, and then they were covering for the person who's out for the booster. The next another swing that was in the building, who or that's sorry, they weren't in the building. They had a personal day, but they knew the track, but they weren't actually in the building.

And so it was myself and one other swing, and that other swing did not know the track yet. So I'm the only body in the building that knows this track that is now vacant. And when I got the call about that, I said, I haven't performed this track in over two years since before the pandemic, and I don't even know when I had performed it before the pandemic. So it was really, yes, the track was there in my body, in my mind somewhere, but I had no rehearsal for him. I hadn't been watching him because I had been doing other things in the show. And so I performed the show, but it was easily the most sick, the most physically sick I've ever felt. And I get excited nerves, but fear nerves, I seldom, if ever, get those.

But fear nerves were in full effect that day. And the show happened. It's an experience I don't ever want to repeat, and I would never want someone else to repeat. And I think the saving grace as to why I said yes is because the actual linear, somewhat linear tracking of like where what that track does when they begin and when they end is the same as what I know. But with other companies, those tracks are different. They've been taught differently. So if I were in any other company, the answer would have been no, I'm not doing the show because it's not safe for me, and it wouldn't be safe for someone else. I still have anxiety dreams from swinging a show. Nightmare.

[9:08] Tony Howell: So kudos to you for saving the day safely and keeping the show going. Just in case anyone is not a theater nerd like the rest of us, can you just break down what's a swing, what's a track? And you were also in that hit show called In the Heights, but a different kind of swing. So can you address that? What was different about Hamilton versus In the Heights and what are what's a swing in all the different ways?

[9:35] Antuan Magic Raimone: So a swing in general, I equal that or compare that to being a substitute teacher. So when someone is the math teacher every day, they take a vacation, and then but there might be other teachers in the building that also know what that person does. So in theater, you have a male and female ensemble of dancers. And then there are swings that will cover all of those people. In Hamilton, there's five women and there's six men. So as just regular swings, they cover those six people for that one production only. In In the Heights, I was a vacation swing. So for vacation swings, I would be given like, okay, we need you to come into the theater for a week, two weeks, a month, whatever the amount of time is.

And then I'm there to fill in as one of the on-stage dancers that might either have to move to be an understudy or if they've taken time off, whatever that might be. And also as a vacation swing, I'm only paid for the dates I am actually working at the theater. So as a vacation swing, once that month or half whatever that amount of time was ended, so did my paycheck. And as a universal swing, I am on contract sort of as a retainer, and I am always with the company. So when I'm in New York, I report to the theater every single day. Extra coverage. I cover those same six men, and I do that for all existing companies of Hamilton. So there were five U.S. companies of Hamilton. So I could be sent to any one of those five companies as needed.

And they aim to give me at least 24 hours notice before traveling. But sometimes emergencies come up. I think the shortest amount of time I've been given was 32 hours. I found out Thursday evening during a show that I'd be flying out on a Saturday morning. And so you've got to pack a bag and get whatever you need and take that with you. And if they know how long you'll be sent away, then you pack for that. Sometimes they don't know how long you'll be sent away. Sometimes they tell you one amount of time and then it changes. So you're on call, like a doctor. And I know that during In the Heights, you got this nickname. So can you tell us how you earned your middle name, your nickname? How did that come about?

[11:44] Antuan Magic Raimone: Yes. So my professional performance name is Antuan Magic Raimone. It's not my actual given middle name. But so a part of why I have been a swing for In the Heights and Hamilton is because I have this innate given ability to pick up choreography very quickly and also retain that information.

[12:08] Antuan Magic Raimone: And it's almost photographic. So as I see it, it just kind of imprints within me. And I can be taught something just a few times, and then I'm ready to go. So Michael Baldrama, who was one of my dance captains for In the Heights, as he was teaching me the show, he would show me something two or three times and say, okay, what's next? And he kind of paused and said, Are you sure? I was like, Yeah, what's next? Okay. And so we just kept going. And we came back the next day, and I had retained everything he had taught me, which was a surprise to him. He wasn't expecting that because of how quickly we were moving. And so the cast was just sort of asking him, like, how's the new guy? He's like, Oh, he's great.

He picks up stuff quickly. I mean, he's like magic. He's magic. And he started calling me magic. And this is 2007. And we've known each other for almost 20 years now. And he exclusively calls me magic. He has introduced me to people as magic. And those people have known me for years before they ever knew my first name was actually Antoine. And so it took me some time to get used to that nickname. I would meet people with him and I'd go to shake their hand and say, Hi, I'm my name is, and I'd have this sort of pause or random glitch because I the humble person in me is like, don't introduce yourself as magic. Yeah. That's your Starbucks name now. Honestly, it's just it's it's any food order, so they can't even pretend to misspell it.

Oh, I love it. Well, I wanted to have you on because I'm super proud of you for creating your book. And so this is what I call the good morning America question. Why this book becoming magic and why now?

[13:41] Antuan Magic Raimone: Well, this book, it's been something I've had so many people in my life, they've just like, you should write a book. You should write a book. I've heard that so many times. I even saw an astrologist at the beginning of 2016, and she's like, You're gonna write. Like you're a writer. I think you're gonna write a book at some point. It's like you are not the first person to tell me that. And I just at the time I was like, uh, okay, maybe I don't really know what that would look like. And then I just because I've I've been a I write I've written in journals throughout my entire life. I mean, I had some as a kid, I've lost those, I have no idea where those are. But then I picked it up again as a as an early adult.

And so when I started writing a draft of a book, I had three ideas in mind. One would be my life as a performer, specific tip being with Hamilton. One would be writing about being a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. And then there was kind of a third one as well. And as I was parsing, you know, sort of separating these book ideas, I thought, how would I do that? Like it's just a part of me. So I just decided just write one book that gives an introduction to me and my life up to this point. And I just started writing some drafts. And so I think an even more specific answer to the question of why now, it was this series of wonderfully fortunate opportunities. And the book is what I believe, it's a stepping stone towards something bigger that I'm not even aware of today.

I don't know what the book will afford me in my future. I just know that at the time that it came to exist was the time that it needed to exist. And I happened to meet a fantastic ghostwriter through a very good friend of mine that I love and respect so much. And it was like I had had two conversations with two different people about you should, you know, work with someone to write your book. I was like, I hadn't even thought about that. And then I got a connection and it all just came together. It wasn't something that I'd been seeking out for long term. Just opportunities presented themselves, and I trust my gut, and my gut said yes.

[15:39] Tony Howell: It's beautiful. It's a very, very inspiring. And it does. It covers like we get to meet Antoine Magic, Raymond. And I know you a little bit from our friendship, but I guess, yeah, let me just transition here. I feel like it's part of your larger mission, your larger movement. And that is titled Soldier of Love, which happens to be a registered trademark. So we talked a little bit about becoming magic. What is hashtag soldier of love and this movement? And I love that it started on 1111. So give us give us the beginning story.

[16:16] Antuan Magic Raimone: So the first public proclamation of Soldier of Love, yeah, that was it came much later. And I was doing some re-titling of some blog entries I had posted per your suggestion. Because I at the time I was like, it was entry one, entry two, entry three. And you said, you know, go through and assign an actual title to these blog entries. So I had to reread the entries to figure out what the titles would be. And I had started a blog post in 2012, maybe, and or maybe sooner, I can't remember. It's been so long. But as I was reading through these blog entries, I saw like the seed that was like this is soldier of love, like the whole the embodiment of it. And so my elevator pitch of what a soldier of love is and how I define a soldier of love.

A soldier of love is someone who is intrigued and curious enough to live the whole life. And I define living a whole life as a life where mistakes can exist, where fear is not debilitating, and where vulnerability is not a weakness. And I want to encourage people to be curious enough to ask themselves, is the love I have for myself enough? And that for me, many, many years ago, the answer to that question was no. The love I had for myself was not enough. I looked to my friends, I looked to my family, I looked to performing. I only felt that I held any value when I was on stage. I only felt important or powerful or worthy of being seen when I was on stage. When I was off stage, I felt small, I felt weak, I felt insecure.

And through a series of events like working on cruise ships where I was physically removed from everyone that I had known or grown up with and put in a space with new people. And we're doing a show, but you're traveling the world, and so people wanted to do different things. I had time to myself and I was able to learn I love being with myself. I'm okay being by myself. And it created this foundation of support through and also additional work and therapy allowed for that as well. And so I just want people to be curious enough to ask themselves, is the love I have for myself enough? And if the answer is yes, great, build on that. If the answer is no, then ask a follow-up question. How can I trust that the love I have for myself is enough?

[16:16] Antuan Magic Raimone: And so the actual phrase of soldier of love came from an Instagram post that I posted in 2009. No. Look at your memory working. This is that memory, that swing memory. Because I would I would have no idea. Well, for me, there's a bookmark because it was during Trump's election when he won. And I was just noticing around me so much fear. Fear in conversations, fear and energies, fear on social media. And I was swimming in that pool of fear for a few days. And the person that I am, I cannot operate in that space long term. So I had a pep talk with myself and said, okay, I have to figure out a new way of existing in this world because I can't live this way for the foreseeable future. And I was also trying to figure out how I wanted to utilize Instagram specifically.

And so I made a post and I said, I understand that people are experiencing a lot of fear, and that is valid. I said, I have no idea how to keep you from feeling fear, but what I can do is offer you love. So I am making a vow to be a soldier of love for you, meaning that whatever I post on social media will be informative, educational, inspiring, empowering, thought-provoking, sometimes funny, but I will always do so from a place of love, not to be nasty or snide. There's enough people offering those goods. I don't need to be another one.

[19:49] Tony Howell: Well, people are falling in love with you right now because these is so good. I have to find the quote that I really like. It's on your website and it's in your TEDx talk. So I just want you to break this down for us. But you say when we're living in the fear of what may happen, we aren't able to live in the love of what is happening. So can you just expand upon that a little bit?

[20:12] Antuan Magic Raimone: Yes. So for instance, for myself, in certain spaces that I existed in, there would be this underlying fear of what people are thinking of me, how they're gonna look at me. And what may be surprising to the viewer and the listener is that early in my life, the spaces where I felt most fearful were the spaces where everyone looked like me. So being in a group of other people of color was fear-inducing for me because I grew up in spaces where I was one of few. I grew up in predominantly white suburbs of Missouri. So everything from elementary school to college graduation, I was one of few that looked like me in any of my classes, anything I was doing. And I had a few, they may have been small in number, but large in impact experiences with some other boys of color where they looked at me and I represented something to them that triggered them.

And so they would be verbally aggressive towards me. You know, I had experienced sexual abuse at the hands of actual family members. So their physical embodiment also was a threat to me. And there was this ongoing fear that I had about how would some black guy seeing me walk down the street respond to me? Would they want to make fun of the way I was dressed, the way I was walking, or whatever that was? And what that was robbing me of was just the beauty of who I am, the brightness and the light and the love of who I am, and also just enjoying the moment I'm in. And, you know, it could be the smallest, it could be as specific and minute of it's a gray, cloudy day and it's raining. And it could be like, ugh, this is a shitty day, it's raining.

And then, but also within that, you could walk past someone that has a cool pair of shoes on or has a nice smile, or there's gonna be some amount of beauty in even some of the more mundane or blah moments of your day. And also it's just a matter of when we continue to carry fears from our past into our present. We're expecting to also see them in our future, but we don't have to.

[22:18] Tony Howell: I love it. I feel like you're speaking to me is all that I will say. Speaking of speaking, yeah, you touched on this a little bit. You are a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. You serve as an advisory council member, an advocate, and a speaker with the Office of Victim Services, New York City. And you even share that you are on the front lines as that soldier of love, every chance you get for this cause. So, what are the ideas? You've shared many already, but what do you try to pass on to audiences, particularly around it? I guess around victim services? What do you try to share with them? Whether it's one person or a room of thousands.

[22:58] Antuan Magic Raimone: Great question. And actually, this is such an immediate answer for that, because I went to an alumni event last night here in New York. And so I got to meet some of the graduating class members of my alma mater, which is Missouri State University from Springfield, Missouri. I graduated with the BFA musical theater. Thank you very much. And so I was speaking with two young gentlemen that will be graduating this year, and they were just asking, you know, about like my time with Hamilton, and just like, well, what do you what's next for you? And I was sharing that with them. And I had mentioned speaking at the United States Merchant Marine Academy. And when I spoke there, I went in as a way to say, here's these are ways in which you can be of support to someone that discloses to you.

And so when someone who has experienced sexual violence, when they choose to disclose to anyone, that is not an easy decision for them because of so many reasons that we've all seen play it out in the news and on TV and in life, they're afraid they won't be believed, that the pain will be minimized by the person you're sharing it with.

[24:06] Antuan Magic Raimone: And it is as hard for men because the whole thought is how can a man be overpowered? It is possible. It happens to adult men all the time. And so what I had shared with them was if or when someone chooses to disclose to you, the best answer you can offer that moment is how can I support you? What do you need from me? Don't offer solutions, don't offer action steps, just listen. And as uncomfortable as you feel, as much as it will hurt to hear that, it can't be about you. It has to be about them. So just ask them, what do you need from me? How can I support you? So that's what I impart to an individual or a full room. I give nothing else. That is an action step you can take.

[24:45] Tony Howell: I love it. I'm committing it to memory. It will be on the quotes with this episode. You also volunteer with Live Out Loud of New York City. And this was something I'd not really heard of. So you are an openly gay role model to the LGBTQIA plus youth. And I also love that they have something called the Homecoming Project, where you went back to your high school to speak. So yeah, what is what I'm just gonna call LOL? I don't know if they call it that, but like tell us about LOL in case people want to get involved. How can we learn more and get involved?

[25:14] Antuan Magic Raimone: Yeah, it's a not-for-profit organization here in New York. And actually, one of my good friends from college, he is how I actually got connected with him. So many years ago, almost 10 years ago, if not more, he was doing a concert, and he invited representatives from Live Out Loud and also the Trevor Project. And so kind of their heads of their boards were there, and I was introduced to both of them. I was intrigued about the work that they did. So I reached out to Live Out Loud. And when I started working with them, I was actually writing curriculums that would go to their GSAs. It was Gay Straight Alliance, but now it's uh gender sex alliance, I believe. I was like, what is a GSA? But okay, thank you for that.

[25:57] Tony Howell: Yes, you're welcome.

[25:59] Antuan Magic Raimone: And so they had these role models going into their schools and they wanted to do something that was like more specific, like versus like, okay, instead of just showing up at a club and having pizza, like let's have a conversation and get to learn things. So I was on a in a group, a committee, we were creating essentially topics for the students to have conversations around. And in the course of that, I said, I'm actually more interested in being in the room with the students and having conversations with them. And so that's how I got into being a role model and actually working with them. So what they do is, you know, and they're always looking for people to help. And especially if you are a person of color, yes, yes, yes.

That representation needs to be here. And it you can be in any field of work. It's professionals across the board. And so you go in and they schedule it around your time. It's using the afternoon because it's right after school is out. So it could be like a three to four or three thirty to four thirty situation. Zoom is, you know, it's happening so makes it even easier. So you have a conversation. There's someone with Live Out Loud that is also there to facilitate the conversation, show you so you are not alone in this space. You have someone there to guide the conversation and you just talk. You share your experiences. They'll send you information ahead of your schedule time so you know what the topic is and you just talk with the students.

You hear what's going on in their lives, what the realities are for them, you know, you can answer questions. And what I really like about this organization and what they're doing is so seldom as we become adults, especially for those of us who don't have kids, I'm not hearing the conversations of high school students because I'm not in that space with them. And I don't know what their realities are as LGBTQIA plus individuals. And even though we're different generations and things will be very different, there are so many things that are so similar.

[27:40] Antuan Magic Raimone: One example I remember being at a school and one of the students said, you know, what do you do when someone just keeps taunting you and and just being mean and cruel I said I know this is gonna sound really simple and really hard to do. I said but turn the other cheek. Ignore them like but what if they just keep I think there's some sort of pain that person is experiencing that has nothing to do with you, but for some reason they're choosing to take it out on you. And maybe you represent their fears. Maybe you represent their reality that they aren't able to face. But at the end of the day, it's not about you. It's something else that's going on with that person. I said, but if they're getting physical, and if they start the first, if they throw the first punch, then you throw the last one. But that's what my mom always told me, don't speak start, don't start any fights. But if someone hits you, then hit them back. And I'm also a black belt in Taekwondo. Okay.

[28:32] Tony Howell: Certified.

[28:36] Antuan Magic Raimone: Well, I think we are already picking up a through line. There's there is a lot of personal work that you've done, and then a lot of of work that you're doing to pay it forward to pass it on. One of the moments in your book that may I'm getting emotional now, but there was a pivotal moment for you in therapy where 30-year-old Antoine did some role playing with an eight-year-old version of yourself. And I think we all have childhood wounds. Like I think that's just impossible to escape childhood without them. So I don't know however much you want to share, but what would you say to someone who still has childhood wounds? Like, how can they maybe go about healing some of that by having that experience?

[29:17] Antuan Magic Raimone: If a part of those wounds is judgment against yourself for not doing more or not doing something differently, allow yourself grace because you were a child. And as children, we only know so much. We only know so much. And our world, even though the people can physically be so big, what we actually know about the world is so, so little. And the fact like if you are alive and breathing today, that kid version of you made it possible for you to be at the place you are today. And that was something that was part of my conversation with my eight-year old self in my therapy session because I had judged myself for, and I had two separate instances of sexual abuse. And the first one, I was eight years old.

And so my response to that in the actual moment was to freeze. And until I was 30 years old, I thought freezing was a sign of weakness because we've always, I think so many of us have heard there's the fight or flight response. I had never heard of a freeze response until I was 30 years old sitting in my therapist office. And I never thought that could be a valid form of protection for myself. And for years, I thought I didn't do anything. I didn't do anything. When in fact, I did do something. And it was in that moment in my therapist's office, I was able to see just how strong I was. And so from the age of eight to 30, I had been having this conversation. I'm so weak, I'm so weak, I'm so weak, I'm so weak.

And then at 30, I was like, oh my gosh, look at how incredibly strong this boy was to protect us in that moment. And it was a mental and emotional protection. I may not have fought back physically, but I guarded myself mentally and emotionally. And when you have mental and emotional strength, there is very little other people can do towards you, to you, and against you. And I was able to respect and honor what my eight-year-old self did for me. And that was when, you know, I said earlier in the interview, asking the question, do I trust that the love I have for myself is enough? It was in that moment I trusted the love that I have for myself was not only enough, but way more than I ever anticipated it could be.

[31:30] Tony Howell: Well, I love you. And the response that I had is like, you are strong AF because also look at everything we've gone through in the last six years, and you just held up one of the biggest Broadway shows for six years. So I think the proof is in the pudding. Obviously, you're a very, very talented writer. I'll just say go get the book Becoming Magic, but as well as a speaker. So I think I can say it here officially. That's really, I think, where your focus is next. What is it about speaking for you, public speaking? Why are you seeking to have more of those opportunities?

[32:04] Antuan Magic Raimone: I like connecting with people. And I am an introvert, meaning I recharge in spaces by myself or that are much less stimulating, but I really love conversations. And I think part of that is growing up. I'm the youngest of three, and the sibling closest to me is 12 years older than I am. So I kind of grew up as an only child. So I didn't grow up having conversations with people every day. And there's just something about also being able to tell my story and to share what I have and to offer that to other people. And I didn't used to think that sharing my story would have much interest or value to others. And so like, well, why would I share it then? But there have I can't say I've ever experienced a moment when I've had a conversation with someone where I didn't genuinely notice them being positively affected.

And that's the difference. Positively affected. I don't ever share anything with the purpose of diminishing someone. And I don't want to shock someone. And I speak about a very difficult subject, sexual violence, but I do so from a place of learning. This is what I've learned from this. These are ways that I've taken this experience in this struggle and have found love and light and joy from that. I don't want to, again, and that this is um part of my signature.

[33:27] Tony Howell: I was just about to ask you that. I was like, wait, I need to know what this is about because I was like, okay, continue.

[33:34] Antuan Magic Raimone: So part of my signature, my email is I take responsibility for the energy I put into this world. And it's that simple. And if I'm having a bad mood and I'm around people, I say, for one, people who know me well, you know what my mood is. I don't hide it, but I also don't throw it in your face. My baseline is pretty, pretty good. I'm like at an eight usually. And if I'm at a five or a lower, I'm not saying hello to people because that's not where I am. I'll make eye contact with you. I might give you a nod, but I won't be as engaging as people are used to. And that's because when I'm going through stuff, that's when the energy I have is to allow me to do the things that I have to do in that day.

And it's selfish. And I use the word selfish not in a negative connotation, but in a preservation connotation. So I remember saying to a friend with Hamilton, we were we had a rehearsal one day, and I was on the stage stretching before rehearsal, and I was in a low day in a low mood, and he kind of like crawled up to be kind of funny. He's like, hey, I was like, hey, I said, I only have enough energy to be here today. And he said, okay. And he respected that. And so that's what I mean by taking responsibility for the energy we put into the world. If you're in a bad mood and you're having a bad day, know that for yourself. Don't ice people out, but just if people ask you, how are you? This is a phrase that works wonderfully.

I've been better and I could be worse. And I learned in high school, that was the first time I learned just how much my energy and presence affected other people. Because when I came in upset or in a bad mood or whatever that was, that was not my baseline. People would ask, Are you okay? Did I do something wrong? What's wrong? There was such a need for people to help me feel better. And I'm the kind of person like I'm okay sitting in the muck of my emotions because it gets me through them more expeditiously. Like I don't want to drag this out for days or weeks. It's like, okay, let me sit in this, let me be upset, let me be sad, let me be annoyed. And then I can figure out what is this. And then if there's a solution where I need to speak with someone, or if it's just, I just needed to be in this funk, then I can get out of that.

But if you're someone who finds yourself like me, where people are like, hey, what's going on? Are you okay? Did I do something wrong? Nope. I'm just having a low day today. Thank you for asking. I appreciate it.

[35:51] Tony Howell: I feel you. I have a tendency to be at a nine or a ten usually, but I definitely think that we can take those moments that we need. And it's okay not to be okay and to respect those boundaries. You were in my class called Smart S about social media.

[36:10] Tony Howell: And I love what you do on social, even particularly this past week, sharing all the stories.

[36:15] Antuan Magic Raimone: And it's in your book. I just want to hear you talk about how you approach social media. Social media and I, I'm quite the quarter when it comes, and that's a very different term for this new generation, but I, you know, I like to go on many, many, many, many, many dates with social media before I commit to it. I didn't have really, I didn't actively join Instagram until 2016, and I couldn't even tell you when Instagram started, but I was like well behind that curve. And for me, I want to be clear about how I'm gonna use a platform before I give my energy and time to it, because my energy and all of our energy and time is precious and valuable. And also, I want to know that what I'm offering people is me.

Like you're not getting all of me because that's just not who I am. I'm not going to give you all of that. But when you meet me, I'm going to be who you've been watching on my Instagram or been reading about on my Twitter or on Facebook. It won't be like, oh, I thought he might be like a little bit different, or he seemed a little less or a little more like, no, like that's me. And so that's something that I think about in it. And it's just a matter of like, okay, what do I what am I going to post about? And it's also it's a matter of what will I be consistent about posting? You know, I'm not going to like, hey, so here's this thing. And then like, oh my gosh, I have to keep doing that kind of thing over and over and over again. Because then for me, it doesn't feel authentic. It feels it feels performative. And if you want to see me perform, you can come pay a ticket and see me on stage.

[37:59] Tony Howell: Yeah, I think that there's a through line here. And I just know from my 10 years, which like that blew by fast. But there's a through line here that I just want maybe you to close on. So alongside this episode, if people find the link, they're gonna be able to go to your website, get a free chapter of your book, watch your TED talk, all the things. But what I think Antoine is happening is that you, like many artists, are using your voice, telling your story, whether you're writing, whether you're speaking, whether you're using social media. So if you could think back a couple years ago, prior to the book, prior to your first public speaking engagement, what does the artist need to know about permission to be themselves, to not be in a costume and being someone else?

[38:47] Antuan Magic Raimone: I love this question. Ooh, I like this a lot. To know about themselves. Oh man, great question. So, what I would say to that is there is no requirement for you to always be on. Because what you're doing on stage, that is a job. You are presenting a character or characters, they are a part of you, they're of you. You're bringing yourself to those things. They are not all you, but they are a combination. And when you're not on stage, the more rooted and comfortable you are in yourself. And when I say yourself, your whole self, the parts of you that you may not like, again, living a whole life where mistakes can exist, where fear is not debilitating, and where vulnerability is not a weakness. When you can embrace those parts of yourself in your everyday life, then those things also show up when you are performing on stage.

And there is less of a transition from one to the other because you're being your genuine self in all of the spaces you occupy. And people sense energy. People sense authenticity. And if you are creating a persona in your life, be it on social media, be it when you're at an audition in the holding room or you're at a restaurant or a bar with friends, if you feel like you're having to perform in all of this stuff, and it's not genuine to who you are, people are going to pick up on that. And also it becomes exhausting. You trap yourself, you build a cage around yourself where you're it's a performative person and you run the risk of locking away the parts of you that are beautiful, that are flawed, that are imperfect.

The human pursuit of perfection is a lie and unobtainable. So don't try to be perfect. Be who you are and have people in your life that not only love and respect you for your imperfections and your faults, but also call you out when you are trying to present something else that's not that. You know, I have people in my life that will honestly call me out if necessary. And we can call each other out and say, hey, what this is not the you that I know, what's going on, or hey, I see, or it seems like I haven't heard from you in a while, just wanted to check in. I have this wonderful quote that I found online. I have like a folder on my phone, and it says, it's true friends that hear you most when you're silent.

So when you have people in your life that reach out to you because of your silence, those are people that understand your heart, that understand your spirit, and that want to support you and love you regardless of how many followers you have, how many likes you have, how many Broadway credits you have, how many books you've written or sold, how many talks you've given. They don't care. And when they ask you about your life, they're asking about your life, not what was the last show you did, what's the next show you're doing, you know. So I understand with where we are in life and in with social media offering so much to viewers and there's so much content, and there's all of this, and we're seeing versions of people's lives that seem so glamorous and so, oh my gosh.

And you know, they're a TikTok influencer, they're an Instagram influencer, they're a this thing influencer. What we don't know is what's happening off camera. So when you can honestly, and I'm gonna go back to the same statement earlier, trust that the love you have for yourself is enough. That is your base. And then people who come into your life support that. They are not the source of that love. You, you as the individual, you as the viewer, you as a listener, you are the greatest source of love you will ever have in your entire life. That goes above your family, that goes above your spouse, that goes above anyone else that comes into your space. You have that has to be you because you wake up with you every morning, you go to bed with you every night, you know the darkest secrets that you've never told to anybody and will never tell anybody. And if you can't love yourself for those dark secrets, you'll never find anyone else that will.

[42:44] Tony Howell: I thought we were gonna get a RuPaul's quote there.

[42:47] Antuan Magic Raimone: I know it's what I've.

[42:51] Tony Howell: And if you can't love yourself, how the hell are you gonna love somebody else gonna get an amen? I think that is the episode. That is magic. Is there anything else you wish to share? Anything else you want to pass on?

[43:05] Antuan Magic Raimone: Yes. If you don't hear this today from anyone else, you're gonna hear from me that you are love and you are loved. And that is something I actually say to myself every day, at least three times a day. Why three times a day? Because it's when I eat meals. So when I, you know, I kind of bless my food, and the first thing I say is, I am love, I am loved. And it's not that I don't know I'm loved by other people, but in my field, I could be in another city. I could go a whole day without talking to my partner, and you just may not hear that from someone else. And it's not because people in your life don't love you, but life happens, and you may not hear from someone else. So why not hear it from yourself? So, if nothing else, know that you are love and you are loved, and I invite you to tell yourself that at least once a day. Do it in the shower, because that is a space you will more than likely have to yourself.

[44:02] Tony Howell: Thank you so much for being on the show, Antoine, for doing all of the work to heal yourself, but then paying it forward, sharing your story and all of these amazing words. Thank you for listening. And I have to highlight a few things Antoine said. And I have a list of seven. Number one, I am love. Number two, is the love I have for myself enough? Number three, each of us is capable of living a whole life. A life where mistakes can exist, where fear is not debilitating, and where vulnerability is not a weakness. Number four, when we continue to carry fears from our past into our present, we're expecting to also see them in our future. But we don't have to. Number five, it's true friends that hear you when you're silent.

Number six, when someone asks, How are you? and you're a bit low. I've been better and I could be worse. And finally, when someone discloses to you, how can I support you? What do you need from me? If you want to go further, click on the link that goes alongside this episode. I have created a one-stop shop for magic. You can watch his TEDx talk, learn more about the Soldier of Love movement, get his book, Becoming Magic, or hear more backstage stories about his time at Hamilton. If you enjoyed this conversation, take a screenshot. Share your favorite takeaway on social media. Wanna do me a favor? Hop over to Apple Podcasts and leave a review. And while you're there, subscribe. Because next month's episode, I'm also very excited to share. Thank you so much for listening. Now please go out there and use your work to change the world. Maybe you and I can have a conversation about it very soon.

[47:03] Antuan Magic Raimone: I get to meet a lot of aspiring performers at the stage door and through social media, and their biggest question is: how do I make it on Broadway?

[47:13] Antuan Magic Raimone: Well, lean in.

[47:20] Antuan Magic Raimone: It's not something I can answer in one DM, and that is why I started this podcast.

[47:25] Antuan Magic Raimone: I'm gonna give you tips from all different kinds of professionals, insider tips to help you find your way.

[47:31] Antuan Magic Raimone: So put on your dance belts, people.

[47:33] Antuan Magic Raimone: Here we go.

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