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[0:00] Narrator: Welcome back to Twits in Peril, a Steampunk Distraction by Tom Alan Robbins. We left our hero horrified by the arrival of his Aunt Gepasha, Uncle Hugo, Cousin Binky, and C. Langford Cheeseworth who have come to join him in the amusing game they call slumming. Is this the end of Cyril's chance to win his wager? Will he be forced to slink back to the club in disgrace? Join us now for Chapter 3, Wales is a Mysterious Place.

[0:56] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: It is generally believed that family is a nourishing force in one's life. It was also believed for centuries that the sun rotated around the earth. In my experience, aunts and uncles exist to shed light on one's deficiencies and cousins are a plague akin to scabies. There was certainly no way I could win my bet with this circus sideshow orbiting around me and the beady-eyed Cubby Martinez camped across the road with binoculars. Look here, Ernie, perhaps I should speak to them alone. I'll meet you back at the apartment. Thanks awfully. I won't be long. Save me some cherries. Aunt, Uncle, Cheeseworth, Binky, Death Before Dishonor, what on earth are you doing here? It's not my fault.

[1:49] C. Langford Cheeseworth: Death Before Dishonor, darling boy. Death Before Dishonor. Death Before Dishonor. We're slumming.

[1:56] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: Slumming, are you? Well, I hope you've enjoyed your little day trip. No doubt you can't wait to get back to civilization.

[2:09] Aunt Gepasha: But darling, we've come for the week, like you. Binky told us everything. You're going by the alias Johnny and living the carefree life of the peasantry.

[2:16] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: For heaven's sake, don't call them the peasantry unless you want to be chased with torches.

[2:22] Aunt Gepasha: You're right. I must stifle my natural condescension. But where are you staying? There are no hotels.

[2:29] C. Langford Cheeseworth: It's too divine. I had my land yacht disguised as a cargo truck. Come and see.

[2:37] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: They led me around the corner, and there, parked in a weed-choked lot, was a rust-covered vehicle roughly the size of a freight car.

[2:43] C. Langford Cheeseworth: It's trompe l'oeil. I had a team of artists working on it all day.

[2:51] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: As we drew closer, I could see that the rust was carefully painted on, along with dead leaves and faded graffiti. Cheeseworth led us to the back of the vehicle and pressed a nearly invisible button. A concealed door swung open, and a spring-loaded set of stairs unfolded.

[3:08] C. Langford Cheeseworth: Entrez, s'il vous plaît.

[3:14] Uncle Hugo: Hugo, we must acquire one of these vehicles.

[3:20] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: Over my dead body. A prophecy that may prove all too accurate. As I climbed the steps, the inside of the truck filled with light from gas-fed chandeliers, and I beheld a wonder to rival Alibaba's treasure cave. Every surface was gilded or upholstered in luxurious fabric. A table was set in the center of the room, and next to it stood Mrs. Cedar, the Cheeseworth family's mechanical housekeeper, holding a platter of hors d'oeuvres.

[3:44] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: What are these refreshments, Mrs. Cedar?

[3:49] Mrs. Cedar: Pâté of sea creatures, sir.

[3:54] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: I am deathly allergic to shellfish.

[3:59] Mrs. Cedar: Not to worry, ma'am. There are no actual sea creatures in it.

[4:05] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: That is a relief. Apparently, the name is meant to be poetic rather than descriptive. Make yourselves at home, everyone. I suppose you're wondering how we all came to be here.

[4:08] C. Langford Cheeseworth: It had crossed my mind.

[4:13] Aunt Gepasha: It's my fault, ya boy. After you told me about slumming, I couldn't rest until I had tried it. I ran into Binky the Quab and was surprised at how reticent he was to reveal the details of your excursion. But in the end, I wrinkled it out of him. He insisted on coming along. I knew Hypatia would love it. And Hugo came as a necessary appendage.

[4:38] Uncle Hugo: Oh, thank you very much. I told them how frightfully important it is not to reveal your true nature to the local populace and to call you Johnny at all times.

[4:47] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: Yes, we quite understand. The adulation of the masses is a terrible burden. I myself experienced it when I chaired a charity bazaar. Apparently, I possess an overabundance of charisma. I had not a moment's peace. I would not repeat the experience for any amount of money.

[5:10] Aunt Gepasha: What was the charity at?

[5:12] Uncle Hugo: Oh, I don't remember we were selling orphans or some such nonsense.

[5:18] Aunt Gepasha: Finding homes for orphans, not selling them.

[5:21] Uncle Hugo: It amounts to the same thing, doesn't it?

[5:23] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: Look here. It's crucial that everyone here believes that I am not special in any way. That requires no subterfuge. It is simply the truth.

[5:31] Uncle Hugo: Yes. Thank you, Uncle Hugo. It's too delicious. But my dear, you must sleep here with us. There are the most perfect little bedrooms in the back. You'll have one all to yourself.

[5:46] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: I have never believed that temptation is a thing to be resisted. On the one hand was a charming little compartment in Cheeseworth's Rolling Palace with a luxurious bed in it. And on the other, half a mattress in a crowded studio. Why did I hesitate? Was it the thought that Ernie and his family would be disappointed? Or was it curiosity at what wonders might appear on their breakfast table? No one was more surprised than I to hear me saying, thanks awfully, but I've got a place to stay.

[6:18] Binky: With a local?

[6:19] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: Yes. A lovely family. They've invited me in.

[6:23] Binky: You really are taking this slumming to an almost obscene level of authenticity.

[6:30] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: If it's a thing worth doing, it's worth doing well. That's a saying, isn't it?

[6:34] Binky: Suit yourself, dear boy. Now, tell us of your adventures.

[6:39] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: Well, this has been an eye-opener and no mistake. Our ideas about how the huddled masses live couldn't be more mistaken.

[6:47] Uncle Hugo: Produce an example. I cannot abide generalities. They make me feel as if others know more than me, which is insupportable.

[6:56] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: For starters, they eat better than we do.

[6:59] Uncle Hugo: Impossible. My grocery bill would bankrupt a posh art.

[7:03] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: It turns out that you can grow your own food for free. And it's delicious.

[7:08] Uncle Hugo: The fact that it is free is all you need to know.

[7:12] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: If a thing costs nothing, it follows that it is worth nothing. That is known as philosophy.

[7:19] Uncle Hugo: The high prices that we pay for our food ensure that it is beyond the reach of all but the wealthy. Exclusivity ensures quality. It is one of the perks of being rich.

[7:30] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: But it tastes awful, doesn't it? Is it just me?

[7:35] Uncle Hugo: Poor Sewol. Being among these people, even for a day, has given you a condition known as Stockholm Syndrome.

[7:44] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: It was named for a scientist who visited Stockholm for a month and found that he developed a craving for lutefisk, which is generally known to be vile. Your taste buds have been brainwashed.

[8:01] Uncle Hugo: No. You must try it. You'll see.

[8:04] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: I have no intention of succumbing to dysentery. We have brought frozen food and water for the week. That is sufficient.

[8:13] Uncle Hugo: Have you rarely eaten the local food? How brave you are.

[8:18] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: Do you think I would like it?

[8:20] Uncle Hugo: My boy, you'd love it. If you can buck the tide of public opinion, I'll take you to a meal you will never forget.

[8:26] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: I say, I'm in. Just don't bring anything communicable back to the land yacht. What else have you discovered on your peregrinations?

[8:35] Uncle Hugo: Well, there's a terrible scandal going on with soybeans.

[8:39] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: I must stop you there. The planting and composting of soybeans is one of Smythe Corporation's largest profit centers.

[8:47] Uncle Hugo: Well, I'm not going to stand for it anymore.

[8:49] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: You comprehend that your aunt's fortune is largely based on her holdings of stock in your company. Mine as well. Everything I have is tied up in Smythe Corporation stock. If you upend the business, I'll be ruined.

[9:04] Uncle Hugo: I'm afraid that ends the discussion. Family comes first. You must protect the profits of Smythe Corporation above all other considerations.

[9:14] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: But we're doing terrible things.

[9:17] Uncle Hugo: That is all dependent upon your perspective. It is said that behind every great fortune is a great crime. It follows that a fortune as immense as ours must require an ongoing series of great crimes to sustain itself. That is science and therefore indisputable.

[9:37] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: Look here, I can't very well go on as if nothing was wrong. We're poisoning people, forcing them into substandard living conditions, taking away any hope of fulfilling employment.

[9:46] Uncle Hugo: Those with the qualities necessary to rise above their condition will thrive. The rest are clearly satisfied to stay as they are.

[9:54] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: That's, I mean to say, dash it all. Either compose a sentence or stare into space. This sputtering is most unattractive.

[10:05] Uncle Hugo: You're being ducidly unsympathetic. There must be poor people in order for there to be rich people. It is the contrast which defines us.

[10:16] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: Yes, it is our differences which give savour to life. If we were all equal, life would be like a tepid bath.

[10:24] Uncle Hugo: I cannot subscribe to this point of view. These people are my friends.

[10:29] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: And we are family, which is the opposite of friendship. You must make a choice.

[10:36] Uncle Hugo: Then I choose friendship.

[10:38] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: Beware! Friendship is a bubble blown hither and thither by every fickle breeze. Family is like a suit of lead. Stable, substantial, inescapable. Keep your lead investments. You may cower here in your gilded cage. I will cast my lot with the people. Good day.

[11:01] Uncle Hugo: I said good day!

[11:03] Binky: Wait, I'm coming too.

[11:05] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: What?

[11:05] Binky: Why? Our aunt frightens me. Besides, you promised me dinner.

[11:09] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: Afraid you've missed dinner, old boy. But there may still be some cherries if we hurry.

[11:14] Binky: Are you sure you're up for this, old slipper?

[11:16] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: No, but I'm protecting my interest. If I'm with you, I can help you win that bet.

[11:20] Binky: Bravo! You are not quite the quivering panacotta I took you for.

[11:25] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: Thanks, awfully.

[11:26] Johnny: Now, what shall we call you?

[11:28] Binky: Oh, fun! Um, oh, um... Willie... Whiffington Charles.

[11:34] Johnny: What about Dick?

[11:37] Binky: What about it?

[11:38] Johnny: For a name! I'm Johnny and you're Dick, and we're from Wales.

[11:41] Binky: Why Wales?

[11:42] Johnny: Because no one knows anything about Wales. It's the most mysterious country on Earth.

[11:46] Binky: Hm. Fine. Dick. Hello, Dick. Have a drink, Dick.

[11:52] Johnny: I suppose we'll do. I'll introduce you as my cousin. All the easier to keep our stories straight.

[11:58] Binky: Hold on, we're getting close. I pulled Binky into the shadows and scanned the building opposite us. Cubby is in there somewhere, keeping a beady eye on me. Can you pull your top over your head to hide your face?

[12:14] Binky: How's that?

[12:15] Johnny: It will have to do. We'll hurry through the lobby. The apartment is up five flights of stairs.

[12:19] Binky: And we have to climb them?

[12:21] Johnny: Don't be a baby. We'll stop when we have to. I had built up some endurance already, and we sped up the five flights in under an hour.

[12:29] Binky: I'd about given up on you. He eyed Binky with alarm. Would you believe it? I ran into my cousin, Dick, in the street. He's come from Wales as well.

[12:38] Binky: What a coincidence.

[12:39] Johnny: It's Dick!

[12:40] Binky: Ha ha, so it is. Can you manage it?

[12:43] Johnny: Of course. If we alternate sleeping head to head, we should all fit. Come on in. Look who's back. And he's brought a friend.

[12:51] Judy: Hello, Johnny. Well, who's this?

[12:53] Johnny: This is my cousin, Dick.

[12:54] Judy: Hello, Dick. Will you be staying with us?

[12:57] Binky: If I may. It's very kind of you. If we don't take care of each other, the corporate overseers certainly won't. We saved you some cherries.

[13:06] Judy: Oh, Dick, wait until you try them. Judy brought him the bowl and picked out a cherry. Here, open wide.

[13:12] Binky: Careful, there's something hard in the middle. Don't swallow it.

[13:20] Johnny: That's called the pit. Have you really never eaten a cherry? Do they not grow in Wales?

[13:24] Binky: I bit down. His eyes widened. He made a soft mewling sound.

[13:30] Johnny: Quick, shove a chair under him. He dropped into the chair. His eyes rolled up in his head.

[13:37] Judy: I think he's fainted.

[13:39] Johnny: No, he's all right. His eyes opened. He stared into Judy's face as if he was having a holy vision. He carefully ejected the cherry pit into my proffered hand.

[13:51] Judy: What do you think?

[13:52] Binky: Give me a moment. His eyes focused on the middle distance. We all stared at him with various levels of concern. Finally, he sighed.

[14:01] Binky: No, it won't do. I shall have to re-evaluate all my beliefs.

[14:05] Johnny: I think he likes cherries. You enjoy them while we make up the beds. It's late.

[14:10] Binky: Is it? We get up at six for work.

[14:14] Johnny: By Jove, that'll be a novelty. What time do you get up in Wales?

[14:18] Binky: Noon. Sometimes later, depending on the hangover.

[14:21] Johnny: It must be bad there if you have to drink to get through the day.

[14:25] Binky: Simply awful. That's why we came here, you know, to start fresh.

[14:29] Johnny: Well, we'll help you in any way we can.

[14:32] Binky: Will you? What an extraordinary girl you are.

[14:35] Judy: Woman.

[14:36] Johnny: Pardon?

[14:37] Judy: Girl is a diminutive term. I'm a woman.

[14:41] Johnny: You certainly are. I don't suppose you're as evolved in Wales as we are here.

[14:45] Binky: No. Backwards sort of place. People blowing their noses in public and slapping each other on the back at all hours.

[14:52] Johnny: Dreadful.

[14:54] Judy: Right. The beds are made. Dick and Johnny, you'll crawl in with Ernie. Sleep well.

[15:00] Johnny: Yes. I'm sure we will. Won't we, Dick?

[15:03] Binky: I say. Dick, you take the side by the wall. I'll sleep head to toe in the middle and Johnny can perch on the outer edge.

[15:14] Binky: What about pyjamas?

[15:16] Johnny: Don't use them. Frivolous, aren't they?

[15:18] Binky: So we just sleep in our clothes?

[15:21] Johnny: You're welcome to sleep in the buff if you like. We'll hang a sheet up between us and the ladies.

[15:26] Binky: No. This'll be fine. I've got the light. Ready?

[15:31] Judy: Judy turned down the gaslight and the room was plunged into darkness. The mattress was thin and lumpy. I lay on my back staring up into the black. I could hear the sounds of fellow creatures all around me. Breathing. Tossing. Gently coughing.

[15:47] Johnny: How I longed for one of Bentley's nighttime elixirs. Ernie's feet lay between Binky and I, emitting a sour, earthy smell.

[15:56] Binky: Sweet dreams, all.

[15:58] Johnny: Night, Mum.

[16:00] Binky: Yes. Night.

[16:02] Johnny: Indeed. I twiddled my fingers and tried to pierce the darkness with my eyes.

[16:08] Binky: Whistling.

[16:15] Johnny: Say, Johnny?

[16:17] Binky: Yes?

[16:18] Johnny: Are you whistling?

[16:19] Binky: Oh, I suppose I am. Sorry.

[16:22] Johnny: You can't sleep?

[16:23] Binky: Well, you know. New place and all.

[16:26] Judy: Aw, you're still homesick.

[16:28] Binky: I suppose that must be it. What's it like in Wales?

[16:31] Judy: Leave him alone.

[16:33] Binky: Maybe talking about it will be good for him.

[16:36] Judy: Is it beautiful there?

[16:38] Binky: Oh, paradise. What, with the Welsh mountains towering over it all? And the lonely moors stretching off into the distance.

[16:48] Judy: Sounds lovely. And the fjords of Wales, with their majestic glaciers.

[16:54] Binky: Really? Wales has glaciers?

[16:57] Johnny: Only in the winter, of course. As children, we would frolic in the snow and eat iced cream scooped right out of the ice.

[17:03] Judy: I don't think that's where ice cream comes from.

[17:06] Binky: Hush, Ernie. He's being poetical.

[17:09] Johnny: And then there's the people. Finest in the world. Sturdy, rough-hewn, plain-spoken Welshmen.

[17:15] Binky: And Welsh women.

[17:17] Johnny: Oh, yes. Most beautiful in the world.

[17:19] Binky: I disagree, old sloth. I think the women here are the loveliest I've ever seen.

[17:24] Johnny: Well, Dick, do you have your eye on someone special?

[17:27] Binky: I do. But, alas, I fear she doesn't know I exist.

[17:31] Johnny: Then you must tell her. Women are not mind-readers, you know.

[17:36] Binky: They certainly seem to anticipate my every move.

[17:38] Judy: Hush, now. It'll be a new day before you know it.

[17:42] Binky: But I'm not the least bit sleepy, Mum.

[17:45] Judy: Nor am I. What are the politics like in Wales?

[17:49] Binky: Is there a resistance?

[17:50] Judy: A resistance to what?

[17:52] Binky: To things as they are. Business as usual. The oppression of the masses.

[17:57] Johnny: Oh, yes. We've got a cracking resistance. Many to the time my friends and I have met over a drink to point out the shortcomings of the local administration.

[18:06] Judy: But what action are you taking?

[18:09] Binky: Action? To change things. To redistribute wealth. To break the power of the monopolies. To create meaningful jobs.

[18:18] Johnny: Well, it's funny you should bring that up. I was just saying to my friends in the Welsh underground that we've got to shake things up, don't you know? In a major way.

[18:31] Judy: By doing what?

[18:33] Binky: Well, you know, I've been formulating a plan. But it's top secret. Can't breathe a word of it. But it's a corker.

[18:46] Johnny: So you are one of the leaders of your movement?

[18:50] Binky: Well, I don't like to brag. But some people call me the Welsh Rabbit.

[18:59] Johnny: Because I'm so bally-elusive, don't you know?

[19:02] Judy: Really? Perhaps you should put a sock in it and go to sleep, old rabbit, before you reveal anything top secret.

[19:09] Binky: Yes. Perhaps we should all try to get some rest. We'll talk more tomorrow, Dick.

[19:15] Johnny: Oh, there are some people I want to introduce you to.

[19:18] Binky: Only too happy. Looking forward to it. That's enough now. Good night, Mum.

[19:25] Johnny: I carefully slid my head over as close to Binky as I could. This, unfortunately, brought me smack up against Ernie's stockings' feet. Breathing through my mouth, I whispered in Binky's ear.

[19:37] Johnny: Now you've done it, you dunderhead. Why couldn't you keep quiet?

[19:40] Binky: I couldn't help it. Isn't she wonderful?

[19:43] Johnny: Who?

[19:44] Binky: Judy. I think she's the loveliest girl I've ever seen. Do you think I have a chance?

[19:50] Johnny: No. By no means. Absolutely not. Put it out of your head entirely.

[19:55] Binky: I think I do. I detected a certain note in her voice when she spoke of financial redistribution that was almost tender.

[20:03] Johnny: Will you, for the love of all that's holy, go to sleep?

[20:06] Binky: Good night, Cyril.

[20:07] Johnny: I mean, Johnny. Good night. And with that, I moved as far away from Ernie's feet as possible and tried to imagine myself in my silk sheets at home, with a brandy on the nightstand and the soothing sounds of Bentley oiling his gears in the moonlight.

[20:28] Binky: Good night, Cyril.

[20:30] Johnny: Sweet dreams. You'll need all your strength tomorrow. Join us next time for Chapter Four, I Get a Job.

[20:42] Lillias White: And now, let us bow down before the brilliance of our cast, without whom we would be as dust, blown hither and yon by the winds of fortune.

[20:57] Lillias White: Michael Urie as Cyril Chippington Smythe, Christian Borle as Cheswick Wickford Davies, Binky to his friends, Dakin Matthews as Bentley, Mary Testa as Auntie Pasha, Nick Sullivan as Uncle Hugo, Stephen DeRosa as C. Langford-Cheeseworth, Lily Cooper as Judy, Fergie L. Philippe as Ernie, Rachel York as Mum, Wesley Taylor as Cubby Martinez, Teddy Udane as Sven, the bartender, Anne Harada as Mrs. Cedar, James Runner as Lincoln, Nick Walker as Ford, Katie Blake as Martha, Stephen Berger as Sid, Jacob Smith as an advertisement, Jacob Smith as Man One, Lilius White as Woman One, and yours truly, Lilius White, as a disembodied, omnipotent voice.

[22:05] Lillias White: Written by Tom Allen Robbins. Co-directed by Tom Allen Robbins and Dory Berenstein. Produced by Dory Berenstein, Allen Seals, Brittany Bigelow, and the Broadway Podcast Network. Sound effects consultant, Eric Wright. Sound designer and editor, Brett Ashley. Executive produced by Liz Armstrong. Good day!