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[0:00] Narrator: Welcome back to Twits in Peril, a steampunk distraction by Tom Alan Robbins. We left Cyril and Binky packed like sardines on a creaky old mattress. A new day has dawned, however, bringing with it the promise of new adventures and pancakes. Join us now for Chapter 4, I Get a Job.

[0:45] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: I'm sure that in heaven one is awakened each morning by the aroma of pancakes. There is no surer proof of the divine being than this. He brought forth pancakes on the earth. I practically levitated out of the communal bed, not minding at all that the sun was barely up. At the stove, Ernie's mother was performing alchemy that would have led her to the stake in less enlightened times. Morning, everyone. There's pancakes with syrup, fried potatoes with onions and peppers, and hot rolls with jam. What is happening? I feel like a child on Christmas morning. This is the grub I was telling you about. Wait until you taste it. The sink is free. Johnny, do you need to borrow a toothbrush? Hang on. I checked my pockets and found that Bentley had foreseen everything.

A toothbrush and paste lay in a clever inner pocket. Got one. Could I borrow it when you're through? Certainly not. Unhygienic. May I use some paste? I can put it on my finger. I suppose. You really should have come better prepared. I expected to be staying with Cheeseworth. Keep your voice down. Here's the paste. Have at it. In a matter of minutes, we were brushed, scrubbed, and seated at the table. Platters of pancakes, bowls of potatoes, baskets of rolls. I loaded up my plate and paused to watch Binky take his first bite. He did not disappoint. One bite of pancake and the fork fell from his nerveless fingers. He rose shakily to his feet and paced from one end of the flat to the other. Everything all right, Dick?

He's never had pancakes before. Not really. Wales must be a dismal place. Yes, we mostly dine on thistles. Binky finally seated himself, took a deep breath, and proceeded to shovel food into his mouth with an industry I had never suspected him capable of. Steady, my lad. It's customary to chew the food before swallowing it. You're not an anaconda, after all. After we eat, we'll head over to the tax office. I'll get chips for you and Dick to wait in line, and then I'm gonna round up the friends I want you to meet. That sounds perfect. By now, Binky had nearly reached the top of his digestive tract and was laying on a spackle coat for good measure. I must say, that was the most incredible meal of my life.

Bravo! It's nice to be appreciated. I must do something special for dinner if I'm to have an audience like this. Oh yes, please. I shall count the hours. Come on, everybody. Off we go. I've got to make my grocery deliveries. I'll see you all later. Ernie, a word in your ear. We strolled to the end of the room. Will you be seeing Bentley today? Yes, I'm delivering a load of Mrs. Cumber's beefy and mushroomy pies. No beef in them, I suppose? Certainly not. Nor mushrooms. All right, cancel that order. Then go to the house and apprise Bentley of our progress so far, and ask him for a toothbrush for Binky so he'll stop pestering me. Got it. Thanks awfully. We strode back to join the others. A journey of no more than 10 feet.

Here's to an honest day's work, everyone. Sure, I guess. Sorry, I'm a little overstimulated by all the syrup. We followed Judy down the stairs and through the mourning crowd of workers milling on the street. I got a jolt when I spotted the beady-eyed Cubby Martinez lounging under a nearby awning. He waited for us to pass him, then casually began tailing us from about a block back. I drew up next to Binky and murmured in his ear, don't look, but Cubby Martinez is on our trail. I felt him stiffen, but to his credit, he resisted the urge to spin around and gawk. What shall we do? Nothing for it, but to play our parts. He's got to see the others treating us as equals, or the bet's as good as lost.

Got it. As we passed through a large square filled with people, an oily-looking fellow jumped up on an apple box and began to orate. Ladies and gentlemen, do you suffer from lethargy, dry skin, flatulence, and halitosis? Try beanspecific, the tonic that soothes your deepest itches and rashes. Before we could get more details about beanspecific, the speaker was drowned in a chorus of catcalls and showered with loose pieces of pavement. He grabbed his apple box and ran for his life. I say, what was that about? Advertisement. We don't stand for him. Propaganda from the ruling class, designed to make us discontented and divided. He's lucky he got off with a few small stones. I always thought of ads as public service announcements.

Don't you believe it? Insidious things. Brainwashing. You won't find him around here. This is highly educational, I must say. Judith grabbed my arm and pulled me up against the nearest building as a steam-powered Hawaiian war canoe shot around the corner. Standing by the steering paddle was my old friend, Ford. I lowered my face to avoid detection. People leaped out of his path, screaming and shaking their fists. An errant oar smashed into a fruit stand, scattering apples everywhere. He shot around another corner and something like peace returned to the street. The fruit seller sadly collected his apples, which were now somewhat the worst for wear. Of all the gall, these rich idiots with their ridiculous autos.

Did you see them? They couldn't have cared less about the mayhem he left behind them. I must confess, my thoughts turned to my own history of careening through the streets in vehicles ranging from a chariot to a three-masted galleon. I found that my recollections, rather than being fond, were now tinged with shame. I resolved to drive more carefully in future and managed to regain my equanimity. A short time later, we came to a dreary monolith of a building with the moniker Bureau of Taxes printed on it. A line of grim-looking townsfolk snaked out of the doorway and down the block. Cubby parked himself within earshot and tried to look inconspicuous. This is us. That's my supervisor at the end of the line.

Oi, Martha! Hello, Judy. This the Welshman you told me about? His cousin Dick showed up too. Have you got room for him? Absolutely. Crazy day. She checked her clipboard and tore off two chits. All right, which of you is Johnny? That's me. You're waiting for Pete. Dick, you're waiting for Nancy. Don't leave the line for any reason. When Pete and Nancy show up, give them these chits and let them take your place in line. Simple enough. Got it. Absolutely. Here, Judy. You've got someone named Pierre. I think I waited for him last month at the dentist. I'll be by now and then to check on you. Good luck. Martha moved on to new arrivals. The line grew rapidly behind us. So, this is a job. We're working.

Productive members of society. It's rather thrilling. Say that again five hours from now. Keep moving your weight from foot to foot. Keeps the blood from pooling. At that moment, to my horror, I spied my aunt and uncle strolling through the crowd, followed by Cheeseworth, carrying a splintered branch in place of his usual walking stick. They gawked at the locals like the worst kinds of tourists. If Cubby saw them with me, the game was up. I pointed at him and said rather loudly, I say, who's that suspicious looking fellow lurking over there? Where? That fellow with his hands in his pockets. I believe he's about to start an advertisement. Oh, is he? Oi, you! Cubby spun around to find the entire line staring at him.

Oh, look at his beady little eyes. He's up to something. What's your business here? Who, me? Yes, you. Are you advertising something? No, I'm just standing here. Don't believe him. He's making me flesh creep. Nobody just stands anywhere unless they're an advertisement. Are you an advertisement? Certainly not, madam. Madam? Well, that's pretty fancy talk for someone who's just standing there. You'd better clear out before we clear you out. Get it? Now, see here. All right, everybody. Let's help him on his way. I'm warning you. No, put me down. Put me down. Dammit. And before you could say boo, a crowd of sturdy citizenry had picked Cubby up by the arms and run him down the street. These advertisements are getting worse all the time.

One of them snuck up on me in an alley once, and I was lucky to get away with only a new toilet plunger and two tubes of mascara. Gave me quite a turn, I can tell you. Yoo-hoo! Johnny! Just in the nick of time, the gaggle of relations had arrived. What a coincidence running into you like this. Yes, aunt, you remember Dick? That's me. I'm Dick. So you are. And I am your aunt, uh, Lucretia. Really? And your uncle is, of course, Mortimer. Oh, blast. This is Judy. It's her family we're staying with. Hello. A pleasure. What a pretty thing you are, like a squashed rosebud or a fallen begonia. I guess, thanks? It shows that beauty can be found anywhere. Even the oily scum on a waste containment pond holds a rainbow, if the angle of the sun is right.

Aunt, who is your friend? The one inexplicably carrying a length of tree? This is... Caligula. My name is Caligula. As you know, of course, from our long years of acquaintance. Of course, Caligula. Didn't recognize you with the light in my eyes. You're all from Wales, are we? We are! All of us Wales to the core. But what are you doing?

[11:09] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: What do you suppose?

[11:10] Bentley: I don't know. That's why I'm asking.

[11:13] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: Well, guess.

[11:15] Bentley: What fun. Um, let's see. Um...

[11:19] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: Oh...

[11:22] Bentley: Ah! Did something happen at home?

[11:25] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: That sounds promising.

[11:27] Bentley: Was it, um...

[11:30] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: Oh...

[11:32] Bentley: Uh-huh. A disaster of some sort.

[11:35] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: Excellent. Continue in that vein.

[11:38] Bentley: Perhaps, uh... Oh, a famine of some kind.

[11:41] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: That seems credible. Yes!

[11:44] Bentley: We are fleeing a famine!

[11:47] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: But what happened?

[11:49] Bentley: Lucasts.

[11:50] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: Seriously?

[11:51] Bentley: Devoured everything.

[11:53] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: Who sealed Starvation?

[11:54] Bentley: All the Welsh had to flee.

[11:56] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: All the Welsh?

[11:57] Bentley: Well, you know the population was never very large.

[12:02] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: The Welsh are noted for their lackadaisical attitude toward procreation.

[12:08] Bentley: What a strange place Wales must be.

[12:11] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: Look here. Do you need jobs?

[12:13] Bentley: I suppose we must.

[12:15] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: Mortimer, do we need jobs?

[12:18] Bentley: I would rather starve.

[12:20] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: Foolish Welsh pride.

[12:22] Bentley: It will be the death of him if I do not kill him first myself.

[12:26] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: We came here to experience everything we possibly could and menial labour is certainly part of the fun.

[12:33] Bentley: Oh, indeed. I can hardly wait to tell our friends...

[12:37] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: in Wales... about our experiences.

[12:42] Bentley: What would these jobs entail?

[12:45] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: You just have to wait in line.

[12:47] Bentley: Oi, Martha!

[12:48] Martha: What's up?

[12:49] Bentley: I've got three more for you.

[12:50] Martha: Fine. I've got chits for Sam, Helen and Paul.

[12:55] Bentley: Who wants who?

[12:56] Martha: Here. Lucretia, you take Sam.

[12:59] Bentley: Mortimer, you're Helen.

[13:01] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: And Caligula, you're Paul.

[13:03] Bentley: In what manner are we connected to these individuals?

[13:06] Martha: You're holding their places in line.

[13:08] Bentley: We seem eminently qualified for such an activity.

[13:13] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: So, as of this moment, we are working?

[13:18] Bentley: You are. You'll be paid by the hour starting now.

[13:22] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: How thrilling.

[13:24] Bentley: I noticed some dark glares from the people in line behind us.

[13:28] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: We were here before they were.

[13:30] Bentley: They should go to the back of the line.

[13:33] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: It's against the rules.

[13:34] Bentley: Cheeky.

[13:35] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: Silence!

[13:36] Bentley: I will not be bothered by a pack of nitpicking, rule-quoting complainers.

[13:41] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: Who do you think you are?

[13:43] Bentley: Stop it at once!

[13:45] Martha: Sorry, Mum.

[13:46] Bentley: We didn't mean any harm.

[13:48] Martha: Ever so sorry, I'm sure.

[13:50] Bentley: Apparently, Aunt Hepacia's powers crossed all boundaries of age, sex, and social standing.

[13:56] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: So, Aunt...

[13:58] Bentley: Lucretia.

[13:59] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: I know. Of course I know.

[14:01] Bentley: So, Aunt Lucretia, what have you been up to this morning?

[14:05] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: Taking in the sights, you know.

[14:07] Bentley: It's so colourful.

[14:09] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: People running here and there.

[14:11] Bentley: Stands selling knitted garments and foodstuffs.

[14:15] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: Have you ever heard of a churro?

[14:19] Bentley: Can't say I have.

[14:20] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: It is a kind of foodstuff. Cylindrical, with ridges.

[14:25] Bentley: Did you try one?

[14:26] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: Certainly not. Who knows what lurks beneath their enticing golden crust.

[14:31] Bentley: It's just fried dough with sugar and cinnamon.

[14:34] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: There, you see? Cinnamon. A most sinister word.

[14:40] Bentley: I wish you would try some of the food here, Aunt. It really is extraordinary.

[14:44] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: That's as may be. I believe that if something is pleasurable, it is merely a gateway to more unbridled behaviour. And who knows where it will all end.

[14:54] Bentley: When I find out, I will let you know.

[14:56] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: Well, this has been no end of fun. When does this Sam person arrive?

[15:02] Bentley: It'll be hours yet.

[15:04] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: Oh, I don't think so.

[15:06] Bentley: Yes, Aunt. This is work. It's not supposed to be fun, you know.

[15:12] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: Then why do it?

[15:13] Bentley: For money. In order to live.

[15:16] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: Don't you work in Wales?

[15:18] Bentley: I'm afraid the work ethic there is not what it is here.

[15:21] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: And of course there are the locusts.

[15:23] Bentley: With their voracious jaws and segmented carapaces.

[15:27] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: Well, we work here. You have to. Unless you want to live on nutrition bars and water.

[15:34] Bentley: What's wrong with nutrition bars?

[15:36] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: Do you like them?

[15:38] Bentley: I've never tried one.

[15:40] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: What?

[15:41] Bentley: Have you got a treat coming?

[15:43] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: Oi, who's got a nutrition bar they can spare?

[15:46] Bentley: Here you go. Fizzy Berry Blast.

[15:48] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: I've heard of that one. It looks inoffensive enough.

[15:53] Bentley: Rather gelatinous.

[15:56] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: Ooh, gelatinous. He's a gourmet, he is.

[16:01] Bentley: Go on. Don't be afraid.

[16:04] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: Oh, good God.

[16:07] Bentley: Oh, oh. That is absolutely horrible. Like a cross between a rotting banana and turpentine.

[16:16] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: Could you live on those?

[16:17] Bentley: No.

[16:18] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: I admit it, I could not.

[16:20] Bentley: At that moment, Judy spotted a small group passing by.

[16:23] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: See, over here. This is lucky. I was just going to look for you.

[16:28] Bentley: Hello, Judy.

[16:29] Judy: Dick, these are the folks I was telling you about. Friends, meet the Welsh Rabbit.

[16:34] Bentley: The Welsh what?

[16:35] Judy: Rabbit. On account that he's so hard to catch, he's a top member of the Welsh Underground.

[16:42] Bentley: Fizzy, glad to meet you, Rabbit.

[16:44] Judy: Judy is exaggerating my importance.

[16:47] Bentley: Don't be modest. He has some big plans to shake things up in Wales.

[16:53] Judy: As soon as the locusts depart.

[16:55] Bentley: You really are fixated on those locusts, Caligula.

[16:58] Judy: I was trapped in a locust swarm in younger days. I am haunted by the sounds of their chewing to this day.

[17:07] Bentley: What are you all up to?

[17:08] Judy: We've just been talking about how to break the power of the local monopoly.

[17:11] Bentley: What monopoly is that?

[17:13] Judy: Smythe Corporation, of course.

[17:15] Bentley: Did you say Smythe Corporation?

[17:18] Judy: They're evil, I tell you. Predatory. It's all owned by one man.

[17:22] Bentley: That Chippington Smythe Monster.

[17:24] Judy: I've heard he's not so bad.

[17:25] Bentley: Don't you believe it. He's the richest man on the planet and look how he treats us.

[17:31] Judy: Buys up all the land to plant soybeans that we're not allowed to eat. Gives all the best jobs to robots. Crams birth control in our fizzy berry blast bars.

[17:41] Bentley: What? In that thing I just bit into?

[17:44] Judy: You need hardly worry about birth control. Not while I am alive.

[17:48] Bentley: Look, I happen to know that this Chippington Smythe fellow didn't know about any of this. He's just an unwitting tool. A well-meaning idiot.

[17:57] Judy: Yes, thank you, Uncle. But how do you know this?

[18:02] Bentley: Well, as it happens, through a strange quirk of fate, I know him.

[18:08] Judy: You know Cyril Chippington Smythe?

[18:12] Bentley: Yes, and I can tell you he's not the monster you take him for.

[18:17] Judy: Why, I believe that when he finds out about all the things that have been done in his name, he won't rest until he's put them right.

[18:23] Bentley: Do you really believe that?

[18:25] Judy: I do.

[18:26] Bentley: Then you've got to tell him.

[18:27] Judy: Who, me?

[18:28] Bentley: Well, you said you know him.

[18:29] Judy: They are intimately acquainted.

[18:32] Bentley: Do you know where he lives?

[18:33] Judy: Of course he does.

[18:34] Bentley: Then let's go there now.

[18:35] Judy: Right this minute.

[18:36] Bentley: Why not?

[18:37] Judy: What if he's in the shower?

[18:40] Bentley: Then we'll wait. This is too great an opportunity to miss.

[18:44] Judy: Oi, Martha. What's up?

[18:46] Bentley: Emergency. We'll have to turn over our chits.

[18:49] Judy: All right. I'll take them to the back of the line.

[18:53] Bentley: See you tomorrow. Come on, everybody. We're off to see Cyril Chippington Smythe.

[18:59] Judy: Three cheers for Johnny.

[19:01] All: Hip, hip, hooray.

[19:02] All: Hip, hip, hooray.

[19:04] All: Hip, hip, hooray.

[19:09] Bentley: And with that, they lifted me onto their shoulders and began to jog down the street with Binky pointing the way and my relations bringing up the rear.

[19:17] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: This was a hornet's nest and no mistake. In my despair, I clung to one ray of hope. Each step was bringing us closer to Bentley. If anyone could find a way to oil out from under this mess, it was he. I lay back on the sea of hands that supported me, gazed up at the fluffy clouds above me, and surrendered myself to the vagaries of fortune.

[19:49] Bentley: Quite a pickle. Will Cyril be exposed as the evil head of the Smythe Corporation? Will Bentley save the day? Join us next time for the final chapter, My Short But Brilliant Acting Career.

[20:05] Bentley: And now, let us bow down before the brilliance of our cast, without whom we would be as dust, blown hither and yon by the winds of fortune.

[20:19] Bentley: Michael Urie as Cyril Chippington Smythe.

[20:23] Bentley: Christian Borle as Cheswick Wickford Davies.

[20:27] Bentley: Binky to his friends.

[20:29] Bentley: Dakin Matthews as Bentley.

[20:32] Bentley: Mary Testa as Auntie Pasha.

[20:35] Bentley: Nick Sullivan as Uncle Hugo.

[20:38] Bentley: Stephen DeRosa as C. Langford-Cheeseworth.

[20:42] Bentley: Lily Cooper as Judy.

[20:45] Bentley: Fergie L. Philippe as Ernie.

[20:48] Bentley: Rachel York as Mum.

[20:51] Bentley: Wesley Taylor as Cubby Martinez.

[20:54] Bentley: Teddy Udane as Sven, the bartender.

[20:58] Bentley: Anne Harada as Mrs. Cedar.

[21:01] Bentley: James Rana as Lincoln.

[21:04] Bentley: Nick Walker as Ford.

[21:06] Bentley: Katie Blake as Martha.

[21:08] Bentley: Steven Berger as Sid.

[21:10] Bentley: Noah Laverie as Penelope.

[21:13] Bentley: Jacob Smith as an advertisement.

[21:17] Bentley: Jacob Smith as Man 1.

[21:20] Bentley: Lilius White as Woman 1.

[21:23] Bentley: And yours truly, Lilius White, as a disembodied, omnipotent voice.

[21:29] Bentley: Written by Tom Allen Robbins.

[21:33] Bentley: Co-directed by Tom Allen Robbins and Dory Berenstein.

[21:38] Bentley: Produced by Dory Berenstein, Allen Seals, Brittany Bigelow, and the Broadway Podcast Network.

[21:47] Bentley: Sound effects consultant, Eric Wright.

[21:50] Bentley: Sound designer and editor, Brett Ashley.

[21:54] Bentley: Executive produced by Liz Armstrong.

[21:57] Bentley: Good day.

[22:12] Bentley: Good day.