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[0:00] Jennifer Apple: Welcome to the Empowered Artist Collective Podcast. I am your host, Jennifer Apple, actor, writer, coach, monologue whisperer, dog mom, and creator of the Empowered Artist Framework. But who I really am is someone who believes that there is another way to build a creative, sustainable life in the arts that doesn't involve losing yourself. This podcast unmasks the reality of life as an artist through conversations with women and non-binary changemakers in the industry. We get crystal clear on how you want to show up and not how you think you need to show up in this wild industry. Whether you're headed to your first ever audition, auditioning for a BFA or MFA program, sitting in a Broadway dressing room feeling like you haven't made it, or been at this for a long time and something isn't working, I see you. This episode is powered by welcometotimesquare.com, the billboard where you can be a star for the day. Let's get to it.

[1:05] Jennifer Apple: Okay, so before we dive into this episode, I want to be a bit vulnerable with you right off the bat. In the three seasons preceding this one, which consisted of 135 episodes, I only did one solo episode, which was essentially a recap of season one. For the first two seasons, my name didn't appear anywhere, even though I've been the host of this podcast the entire time, and everything that goes into it stems from me. I started this podcast as an extension of the Empowered Artists Collective when it was an incubator program that ran for a year and a half with five cohorts. The long title of this podcast echoes the sentiment of what I was aiming to do with our conversations there. I wanted to create a collective, a community, a resource for artists, and this podcast is just that.

These conversations go deeper and touch on topics yet to be explored, and pull back the curtain and remove the gatekeeping, and hopefully dispel myths and beliefs that are so enmeshed in the fabric of this industry and what it means to be an artist. Our guests have been so vulnerable and brave and honest throughout all of the seasons, and it has been a privilege to facilitate those conversations. So, as I approached season four, I needed to get honest with myself too, which is that I have been so afraid of doing solo episodes where I speak to you as an acting coach from years of experience working with the Empowered Artists Collective and private clients, because I thrive in dialogue and community and facilitating and asking questions and being curious about others and their experience, because there's something about sharing vulnerably in this way that truly makes me sweat in parts I cannot verbally name on a podcast like this one.

So, I want to name that that is currently happening. Talking to you listeners in this way is super hard for me, but I am choosing to do it anyway. Why? Because sometimes we have to do hard things to push ourselves out of our comfort zone as a means to grow. And as someone who has been in this industry for quite some time now wearing all sorts of hats, there have been too many learnings and discoveries to not share with you all. I need to step into sharing more fully. So, here I am, sweating and all, my first official solo episode. And I want to start off with what's been happening in my client sessions lately.

[3:38] Jennifer Apple: It's been really beautiful and also honestly kind of heartbreaking in a way that I don't think I've fully been able to articulate until now. A lot of my clients come to me because they are in a transition, whether that's the BFA or MFA process, or they are feeling stuck and we work together one-on-one in my Empowered Artists Intensive Container. And I've been having these really candid, open conversations with those clients, conversations that are the kind where people are telling the truth in a way that maybe they haven't said out loud before. And I feel really privileged to be in those rooms with them, to be able to hold that space and facilitate those conversations. And there's this moment that keeps happening where something clicks, where they realize something about themselves or their career that they hadn't fully seen or acknowledged before.

And sometimes alongside that clarity, there's often this grief because what they're realizing and what I've had to realize in my own life too, which is why I coach the way I do, is that we have all been taught to measure ourselves in ways that don't actually start with us. We've been taught to validate ourselves, our progress, our success based on these external markers, like getting an agent, booking the job, losing 10 pounds, getting on Broadway, or booking a series regular. And I want to say this very clearly, there is nothing wrong with wanting those things. I want them too. But what happens over time is that those markers really stop being results and they become the starting point. They become the thing that dictates what we go after, how we behave, what we believe we're allowed to want.

And when that happens, we slowly move farther and farther away from ourselves. And this is the part that I really want to name. If you feel stuck, it's not because you're not working hard enough or don't have the connections or aren't talented enough. You are probably stuck because you don't actually know what you want. You are fixating on what you think you should want. You are fixating on the external markers too much and that's distracting you from what you actually need for yourself. You don't need the agent. You don't need to book the job, lose 10 pounds, get on Broadway, or book a series regular. And the more you fixate on those things specifically, the farther you get from yourself. What you actually need is the internal experience of what you think those external things are going to get you.

It's easier to fixate on a list of things someone told you you should want than to fixate on your real desires. There is often a fear of actually naming what you want because once you name it, it becomes real. And if it's real, then you have to face it. You have to face how much you want it. You have to face the possibility of going after it. And you also have to face the vulnerability of what if it feels completely out of reach? So instead, what a lot of us do very understandably is we stay a little bit vague. We stay in the version of the dream that feels acceptable, that feels recognizable, that feels like it fits into the structure we've been given. And this is where I hear, I want to be on Broadway all the time for my clients.

And I love that dream. But what I want for them and for you is to go so much deeper than that. Why is this your dream? When you think of Broadway, what about it are you dreaming of? What does Broadway represent for you? Is it the kind of paycheck you want? Is it consistency? Is it a certain level of artistry? Is it the creative process? Is it the feeling of being respected or validated? And investigating your reason clarifies the dream and makes it specific for you. But taking it a step further, could those things exist, say, somewhere else other than Broadway? Could you experience the same fulfillment in a regional theater, on a tour, in a completely different artistic space? Because when you start to break it down like that, when you get really granular, you start to understand the why underneath the want. And that is where clarity actually lives.

[7:50] Jennifer Apple: The number one mistake I see clients make is making choices from this external list instead of the internal. And the reason that happens is that they're not even considering themselves in the equation. These lists are based off of something someone told them years ago. They built entire identities based on what somebody else told them. I have to move to New York, or I won't have a career. I need to train with this specific person, or I won't be taken seriously. I need this kind of agent, or doors won't open for me. And those beliefs become so normalized that they stop feeling like beliefs. They just feel like the truth. And the pain point for so many of my clients is that they don't feel like they've gotten what they want.

They feel behind. They feel frustrated. They feel like something isn't clicking. They feel stuck. They feel looked over or disregarded. And so they assume that the problem is external, that they just haven't met the right person yet, that they haven't trained at the right program yet, that they just haven't gotten the right opportunity yet. But what we begin to uncover together is that the shift is actually internal. Because when you start asking yourself really honestly, do I actually like this? Do I actually want this? Everything begins to change. Like, do you even like auditioning? Do you really want to be taking dance classes right now? Or is that something you decided you had to do because someone once told you you were good at it and you needed to keep up your skill set?

And perhaps a scarier question, do you even want to pursue this as a career? Or do you feel like you have spent too much time and energy and money already, so how could you abandon it? Because when you start getting clear about what you actually want, what you actually enjoy, what actually fulfills you, and the life you actually want to lead instead of what you think you're supposed to be doing or what someone told you should be doing, the reaction a lot of my clients have is relief. And it gets so much easier from there. Listen, I'm not going to lie. Some stages happen before you get to relief. There's the grief that I was talking about earlier around abandoning the idea one has of one's life.

There's the fear of the now what. There's perhaps disappointment or sadness or anxiety or a whole slew of other emotions. But on the other side of this process, there can be a lot of freedom if you are brave enough to engage in it. And frankly, there is a cost to not doing this kind of work of considering what you want out of your career as an artist. You can stay on this external validation hamster wheel for decades because here's the thing. Even if you do get the external thing, if it's not rooted in your values, in your truth, you are still going to feel unsatisfied. People make their Broadway debuts only to find out that this is now a job you have to do over and over and over again. People lose 10 pounds and never book the gig.

People get the agent and they hate the agency or they still don't get the appointments they want. So when you don't get what you want from that first accomplishment, you chase the next accomplishment and the cycle continues and you get farther and farther away from yourself.

[11:02] Jennifer Apple: So I want to offer that you try things differently. There is this exercise I take my clients through in my Empowered Artist Intensive in which we unpack one's core values and name them. We use this comprehensive list that Brene Brown has accessible, which has a ton of values to choose from. And a lot of these words from this list will resonate as important to you. But there are always a few that really land, that spark something somatic in you, like you physically feel something when this value is stated out loud. It activates something in you. And when you know what those words are and you pair them with what you actually want, what you actually need to feel supported, your desires, your non-negotiables, suddenly you're making decisions from a completely different place.

You aren't deciding on a dream based off of someone else's idea of success or a milestone they deem important. You are choosing what you want to pursue from a place of alignment within you. You are seeing yourself clearly. You're prioritizing yourself from the inside. You're honoring what you believe and value and know to be fundamentally important for you to live truthfully and honestly. So I want to invite you into this. I offer that you try the core value exercise. You can get Brene Brown's value list online, read the words out loud, jot down the values that resonate and narrow it down to three or five words. I have a really cute version of the list that I have listed in the show notes. Once you have identified the ones that activate something within you, play around with owning these core values in your daily life.

And from there, ask yourself, what do I actually want? And I mean really want. What is something you've been too scared to claim? Because I have seen clients come into this work with one dream and leave with a completely different one once they actually let themselves get honest. And sometimes that comes with grief. Sometimes it's realizing, oh, I've been chasing this thing for years and it was never actually mine. And recognizing that even though it's hard is deep clarity. And ultimately, you knowing what you actually want is the most important thing since everything else builds from there. So I invite you to sit with this. And if something came up for you, if something clicked, if something feels a little bit scary or exciting or unclear, please tell me.

Send me an email. I mean it. I want to hear what you're discovering about yourself. Because that moment, that honesty, that's where everything begins. I hope this episode empowered you to take one small step forward. Make sure you're subscribed to never miss out. And while you're at it, kindly leave us a review. It's one of the best ways to help other artists find the podcast and join in on the conversations. Be sure to tag @EmpoweredArtistCollective and @JenniferApple underscore so we can see what's landing for you and keep the conversation going. As always, thank you for being here. Thank you for listening. And thank you for being a part of this incredible community. Remember, whether it's a small shift or a big breakthrough, every step forward counts. Keep creating and keep thriving. I'm Jennifer Apple. Until next time.