This transcript was automatically generated and might contain errors.

[0:00] Robb Smith: Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho!

[0:02] Robb Smith: Hello there! This is Jolly Old Saint Nick, and you're listening to Gather by the Ghost Light.

[0:18] Jonathan Cook: Alright, holiday greetings and welcome back to Gather by the Ghost Light. I'm Jonathan Cook, your host, producer, and sometimes voice actor on this thing.

[0:27] Devon McSherry: Sometimes.

[0:28] Jonathan Cook: And I'm Devon McSherry, the Cratchit to his Scrooge.

[0:34] Devon McSherry: Bahumba.

[0:35] Jonathan Cook: Alright, so we just wrapped up, as you know, our Stage Fright series. That was a lot of fun. Thank you all for tuning into that. But the year's almost over, and we cannot let this year go by without giving you our traditional holiday-themed play.

[0:49] Devon McSherry: We almost missed it.

[0:49] Jonathan Cook: Yes. But here we are. At the last second, we have one last episode for you. Holiday Extraordinary. Right here in December for our holiday extravaganza that we do every year. And uh, so we have a new play for you. It is called CHRISTMAS EVE 6:45 p.m. by Sharon Stein.

[1:04] Devon McSherry: Right.

[1:06] Jonathan Cook: You are about to meet Helen and Alice. Two mothers who are out doing some last-minute CHRISTMAS shopping on CHRISTMAS EVE, as one does, right?

[1:15] Devon McSherry: It happens, yeah.

[1:15] Jonathan Cook: Yeah, but in their particular case, they happen to be shopping at the same store. They both reach for the same gift at the same time. But unfortunately, there is only one left of this particular gift. So let's see who takes home the prize. Before we begin, I do want to warn you, this episode does contain adult language, so listener discretion is advised. Now, gather round the ghost light. Sit back and enjoy. This is CHRISTMAS EVE, 6:45 p.m. written by Sharon Stein.

[1:43] Robb Smith: Ho ho ho.

[1:47] Devon McSherry: Bahumba.

[1:54] Roshelle Simpson: Oh.

[1:55] Pepper Wren: Hey! I was just reaching for that.

[1:58] Roshelle Simpson: We reached at the same time.

[2:00] Announcer: Happy holidays, shoppers. 15 minutes to closing, please proceed to the checkout counter.

[2:04] Helen: Listen, listen, please, please. That was the last sensory swing, and I really, really need it for my kid.

[2:12] Alice: So go to another store.

[2:13] Helen: Every other store will be closed. It's CHRISTMAS EVE. I gotta get home. Stop following me, okay?

[2:18] Alice: Wait, wait, please. Please, look, my name is Helen, and my son, he's a person with autism. When he sat in this swing at a friend's house, you know, he rocked like he does, but somehow the swing, it soothed him. I mean, I mean, he rocks like this, you know. Not like Bruce is some other band rocks. I didn't mean it like that. There'll never be another Bruce.

[2:41] Alice: Twelve concerts.

[2:42] Helen: Sixteen.

[2:43] Alice: Props.

[2:44] Helen: Yeah, before I got married, I had a rich boyfriend. You know, I should have stuck with him. But look, I've been saving up to buy this for a long time. Is there any way?

[2:53] Alice: I really gotta go.

[2:56] Helen: Hey, hey, what's your name?

[2:58] Alice: It's Alice, but I'm not gonna buddy up to you now and give you the swing.

[3:02] Helen: Alice. When my boy is calm, which is almost never, my girls are happier. And it's the only time he actually looks at me, you know, at my face. Don't you have any sense of decency?

[3:16] Alice: Decency. Nothing decent has happened to me for a long time. Would you leave me alone?

[3:22] Helen: Oh, you wanna play it that way? Fine. That swing was mine. You're gonna fight me for it, bitch!

[3:29] Alice: Like we're in school or something.

[3:31] Helen: You calling me a bitch, Sky?

[3:33] Alice: Gank. My husband just walked out on me for a squat at church. And one of my kids need the freaking swing. It killed me. Back off.

[3:42] Helen: I saw it first, but you know I did.

[3:47] Roshelle Simpson: Did you just fight me?

[3:48] Harold: Ladies! This can't happen in the store.

[3:49] Helen: Ladies!

[3:52] Harold: Who the hell are you?

[3:54] Harold: I'm Harold Harbinger, and I'm the store manager.

[3:58] Helen: Glad to see you, Harold. She stole this right out from under.

[4:01] Alice: Oh, you liar.

[4:02] Harold: So what you gonna do about the situation, Harold?

[4:04] Harold: I didn't see what happened. You know what? I'm eventually gonna slap you silly. Just giving you a head.

[4:09] Helen: Bring it on. I have a kid on the wrestling team, and I can take him down.

[4:15] Harold: Ladies, it's CHRISTMAS. What do you see?

[4:18] Helen: Okay, okay, listen. Listen. You don't have to let go the truce for a minute. Alright, I got an idea. Trust one minute. And that's it. Harold, you got any more of these swings in the back?

[4:34] Harold: All of the skews are on the floor.

[4:36] Helen: Once more in English, Harold's a skew, uh, a stock keeping unit. It's the number we call a piece of merchandise.

[4:42] Alice: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever. You got any more of these or not?

[4:45] Harold: I just said that all of the merchandise is on the floor. If there aren't any more on the shelf, that's the last one.

[4:51] Helen: And you better give it to me before you damage the packaging.

[4:54] Alice: Please just stop it. Alice, do you give a flying fuck about stock keeping units?

[4:59] Helen: I do not, Helen. At least one of us is leaving here with this freaking swing. We're not giving it to this asshole, right? Not after all this, that's for damn sure. So make yourself scarce, Harold, before we rip you apart.

[5:12] Harold: You're creating a disturbance. I'm gonna call security.

[5:15] Helen: Ugh, screw off, Harold. This is between me and her.

[5:20] Harold: You are gonna be so sorry for this.

[5:23] Alice: Oh shit, I'm so scared. The security guard was falling off. Do you want me to call him? Because I can do that, right now! If you want to keep your hair.

[5:30] Harold: Security to aisle six! Security to aisle six!

[5:35] Helen: Don't call security.

[5:37] Alice: Don't.

[5:38] Helen: Helen, I give up. Stop fighting me. I'm gonna give the swing to Harold just like he wants. Then you can buy it, okay?

[5:47] Alice: Yeah, right. Harold, come on over and take this thing and I'll let go.

[5:51] Harold: Come on, I'm not gonna bite you now.

[5:54] Helen: Okay. Uh easy. Easy now. Okay. There. You have the swing now, Harold. So we all good now.

[6:06] Harold: I really didn't call security. But I should have. Look at this thing!

[6:11] Helen: Nice, Harold. That's just goddamn great.

[6:14] Alice: You got a record, huh, Alice?

[6:16] Helen: Yeah. I stole food a few weeks ago. My ex ain't exactly helping us out.

[6:23] Harold: Gimme. Can I go pay for the swing up?

[6:26] Announcer: Ten minutes to closing time, shoppers. Please proceed to the checkout counter.

[6:30] Harold: This merchandise is damaged. I can't sell it to you like this.

[6:34] Helen: But I'm gonna buy it. What's the problem?

[6:39] Harold: It's store policy. If you return it, we can't sell it again, and we'd have to eat the cost.

[6:44] Helen: I won't return it, I promise. I got three kids at home, and I don't even have rent for this money.

[6:49] Alice: The store policy sounds like bullshit to me. But screw it, I'm so done with this. I'll pay my half.

[6:56] Helen: If I give half, I won't have enough to buy another. My boy has ADHD and he broke his sensory swing. It's the only way he ever sits still.

[7:05] Harold: I don't make the rules.

[7:07] Helen: Jesus Christ, what the hell are you doing here tonight, Harold? Well, what kind of schmuck works on CHRISTMAS EVE?

[7:13] Harold: I'm getting time and a half.

[7:14] Helen: Oh, you get time and a half. Wow, you feel good about yourself, Harold. You feel good that you made a cry on CHRISTMAS EVE for time and a half? You're a real great store manager. And a real nice guy.

[7:27] Harold: Will you get off my back? I could lose my job because of you two batshit crazy bitches.

[7:33] Alice: That shit crazy?

[7:35] Harold: Oh wow, you got any kids?

[7:38] Alice: I need all the money for this item, or I really will call security.

[7:42] Helen: Look at him, Alice. Both of our families will be a mess on CHRISTMAS, and he's screaming.

[7:47] Harold: You some kind of say this, Harold?

[7:49] Alice: It's not my fault you started shopping at the last minute.

[7:52] Helen: Oh my god, you're judging me.

[7:53] Alice: You?

[7:54] Harold: Huh?

[7:54] Alice: I had to wait for a center to show up since my husband works nights. Do you know how hard it is to get a setup for a person with autism? Do you, Harold?

[8:03] Alice: And my oldest got detention after school. Whole nother story. She couldn't watch the others until half an hour ago.

[8:10] Alice: I that wasn't right. I uh I apologize. I have to go to court next week, and a judge is gonna ask my kids if they want to live with me or my ex. Like a nine-year-old knows what's good for. What do you think she's gonna say when my boy's running all over the house since I don't have this swing and she can't even do her homework? What do you think she's gonna say to that judge?

[8:36] Harold: Man, I'm sorry. You know, I'd spot you if I could, Alice.

[8:40] Helen: You still gonna make a pay her a half, Mr. Big Storm Manager?

[8:43] Harold: Hmm?

[8:46] Helen: What? Nothing to say now, huh?

[8:48] Harold: Hmm. I'm just a stock boy, not the store manager. He called in sick. I just moved here from Chicago since I got laid off, and I live in my brother and sister-in-law's crappy apartment above their garage. The jerk behind the register at Shopping Mart lets everyone know when I need to pay with food stamps. I've never had a girlfriend because I can't afford to take a girl on a date. And most days I don't even want to get up in the morning. So Merry fucking CHRISTMAS to you too.

[9:21] Alice: I got no pity for you, Harold. You're a single guy, and you can do whatever the hell you want with your life.

[9:27] Helen: What she said. How much do you make here?

[9:30] Harold: Minimum wage.

[9:31] Helen: Oof, ouch. That sucks. You can't buy food at shopping, Mart. You gotta go to the market on Jefferson. It's just one exit off the highway from here.

[9:41] Harold: I don't have a car. I ride my bike to the store. Then catch the bus, cause it's still cheaper. You know, I take part-time temp jobs when my kids are in school, and I make 18 an hour, sometimes 20.

[9:53] Alice: And you speak real good. You could probably make more.

[9:56] Harold: I don't know how to do anything else. I've been a stock boy since high school.

[10:00] Helen: Go to one of those temp agencies. Maybe you could be a mail clerk or something. You know, I worked in a medical office once. It was nice there. Now I stay home all day with a kid who can hardly talk or look at me. Get off your ass and dole something, Harold. Before it's too late.

[10:17] Alice: I hate to say this, but I still need you to pay for the merchandise.

[10:22] Harold: Did you slim go to school? When he stopped making progress, they told us it was no use. You know, I hate to admit this, but even with everything that happened tonight, it's kind of a relief not being home.

[10:33] Helen: Same. My kids hate me right now. They think it's my fault my ex took a hike. Look at us. Three total losers.

[10:43] Harold: Yeah, but I'm the biggest.

[10:45] Helen: Yeah, you got that right. I still have to explain to my boss why I came up short.

[10:50] Alice: Just take a hike already, will ya? We gave you some real good life advice. Why don't we call it eaters? We have cameras.

[11:01] Harold: I mean, you really lost control of the situation back there. But it's nearly seven on CHRISTMAS EVE. Say you closed early. But if you won't, it'd be two against one, Harold. Did you really stand a chance? I mean, you see what we did to the box.

[11:16] Helen: Exactly. You can still walk away with the teensiest bit of self-respect you got left.

[11:24] Harold: Fine.

[11:26] Helen: Fine. Just go.

[11:29] Alice: Bye, Harold.

[11:35] Helen: I can't believe neither of us walked away with the damn swing.

[11:38] Alice: Yeah. But you would have been toast.

[11:41] Helen: I was still going easy on you.

[11:42] Alice: No shit. My left arm is killing me. But I put up a good fight, right?

[11:47] Helen: You think? I better not get a black eye.

[11:50] Alice: It looks okay. We make a pretty good team in there.

[11:53] Helen: Yeah, we can do it again next CHRISTMAS. Just to remind us that when life is kicking the crap out of us, we can kick someone else's butt.

[12:02] Alice: Oh, that's the holiday spirit. Maybe next year for joy and peace and all that crap.

[12:09] Helen: La la. Hey, I'm on Franklin down by the car wash. How about you?

[12:22] Jonathan Cook: That was CHRISTMAS EVE 6:45 p.m. by Sharon Stein. It was performed by Pepper Wren, Roshelle Simpson, and Evan Cook. Thank you all for joining us, and happy holidays and happy new year.

[12:35] Devon McSherry: Yes, we hope you all have a great new year. Look for us in 2025. We got an amazing 2025 lined up. We'll be doing a lot more audio plays. We got our short play festival coming up. We will also be performing the full-length play on stage in the slush, written by Daniel Prilleman.

[12:50] Jonathan Cook: Yep. And then in October, we're going for a sequel, Stage Frights. Stage Frights the Sequelish. So follow us on all the social medias. Rate and review this podcast if you've been liking what we do. Thank you all for tuning in all year long and throughout all the years. And we're looking forward to you listening again in 2025. That's what we're looking forward to.

[13:13] Devon McSherry: All right. We will see you next year.

[13:18] Jonathan Cook: Gather by the Ghost Light is hosted and produced by Jonathan Cook and Devon McSherry.

[13:25] Devon McSherry: Or ignorance and want, as I call them. The audio play featured in this episode, CHRISTMAS EVE 6:45 p.m., was written by Sharon Stein. It was directed by Jonathan Cook and performed by Pepper Wren, Roshelle Simpson, and Evan Cook. Sound design and editing by Jonathan Cook.

[13:49] Jonathan Cook: As always, title music was provided by JK/47. Additional featured music in this episode by Amos Ever Hadani, Ziv Greenberg, Ian Post, and the Victor Military Band. And if you'd like to make it onto Santa's nice list, make sure that you rate and review this podcast in all the places that you can. And have yourself a wonderful holiday and a happy new year to you and your families.

[14:22] Devon McSherry: Gather by the Ghost Light will return in 2025. Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho and do all a good night. Or day, depending on when you're listening to this podcast.

[14:27] Jonathan Cook: Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho I mean it literally like just stop.