This transcript was automatically generated and might contain errors.

[0:09] Boyd Gaines: Welcome to Radio Play Revival.

[0:13] Boyd Gaines: New York City, the 1990s.

[0:16] Boyd Gaines: A mouse caught in a glue trap causes three roommates to discuss the meaning of life, death, yuppiedom, karma, and the harsh reality of their place on the food chain.

[0:29] Boyd Gaines: Groundswell Theatricals and Josh Johnston present a radio play revival production of Bachelor Holiday by Alan Ball, starring in order of speaking, Boyd Gaines reading stage directions.

[0:43] Boyd Gaines: Vincent Rodriguez III as Ford, Brandon Micheal Hall as Norris, and Josh Johnston as Hunter.

[1:06] Boyd Gaines: A dining room.

[1:08] Boyd Gaines: All that's really necessary is a dinette table and a couple of chairs, preferably of the Jetsons variety, but any kind that suggests a house of deadbeats will do.

[1:20] Boyd Gaines: Lights up on Ford folding laundry.

[1:23] Brandon Micheal Hall: After a moment, Norris enters groggily.

[1:27] Brandon Micheal Hall: He stares pointedly at Ford.

[1:30] Vincent Rodriguez III: What?

[1:31] Brandon Micheal Hall: Are you really folding your underwear?

[1:34] Vincent Rodriguez III: Yes.

[1:36] Brandon Micheal Hall: You are a total dick.

[1:38] Vincent Rodriguez III: Thank you.

[1:39] Brandon Micheal Hall: You know, when you stop and think about it, you probably spend about 11 years of your life doing laundry, right?

[1:46] Brandon Micheal Hall: A year and a half of that, just folding your underwear when nobody ever sees it.

[1:50] Brandon Micheal Hall: And when you put it on, it never looks wrinkled anywhere.

[1:53] Vincent Rodriguez III: It's a Zen thing.

[1:55] Brandon Micheal Hall: I stopped folding my underwear a long time ago.

[1:58] Brandon Micheal Hall: I just wad it up and throw it in the drawer.

[2:00] Vincent Rodriguez III: That's really beautiful, Norris.

[2:02] Brandon Micheal Hall: Thank you for sharing.

[2:03] Vincent Rodriguez III: Yeah, well, I'm gonna take that year and a half as vacation sometime, but you're gonna be on your deathbed and be saying, where did all the time go?

[2:12] Brandon Micheal Hall: Why don't I just kill myself right now to avoid that moment of horrible realization?

[2:16] Brandon Micheal Hall: It would save time.

[2:18] Brandon Micheal Hall: And time is money.

[2:19] Brandon Micheal Hall: I have to talk to you.

[2:20] Brandon Micheal Hall: This is serious.

[2:22] Vincent Rodriguez III: What?

[2:23] Brandon Micheal Hall: I have to ask you something.

[2:24] Vincent Rodriguez III: Okay.

[2:25] Brandon Micheal Hall: But first you have to promise to tell me the truth.

[2:28] Vincent Rodriguez III: Okay, what?

[2:30] Brandon Micheal Hall: Do you promise?

[2:32] Vincent Rodriguez III: What is it?

[2:33] Brandon Micheal Hall: It's really important.

[2:35] Vincent Rodriguez III: What?

[2:37] Brandon Micheal Hall: Did you eat my Cocoa Krispies?

[2:41] Vincent Rodriguez III: No.

[2:42] Brandon Micheal Hall: Liar.

[2:42] Vincent Rodriguez III: I didn't.

[2:44] Brandon Micheal Hall: You know, if you just fold these shirts in half instead of doing this trifold thing, then you only have to fold it once this way.

[2:52] Brandon Micheal Hall: And so you'd save two whole steps.

[2:54] Brandon Micheal Hall: Three if it's a longsleeve shirt.

[2:57] Vincent Rodriguez III: Thanks.

[2:58] Brandon Micheal Hall: You really didn't eat my Cocoa Krispies?

[3:01] Vincent Rodriguez III: I don't eat that shit, Norris.

[3:03] Brandon Micheal Hall: No, you eat beans, scum, and leaves.

[3:06] Vincent Rodriguez III: Right.

[3:06] Brandon Micheal Hall: So why are you even asking me?

[3:08] Vincent Rodriguez III: Well, I just bought a box the day before yesterday, and I've only eaten one bowl's worth, and now it's gone.

[3:14] Vincent Rodriguez III: Oh, you know what? I think Hunter used it.

[3:17] Brandon Micheal Hall: What do you mean he used it?

[3:19] Vincent Rodriguez III: As bait for the glue traps.

[3:22] Brandon Micheal Hall: Are you serious?

[3:23] Vincent Rodriguez III: But it's so incredibly insensitive.

[3:25] Brandon Micheal Hall: Just make him buy you some more.

[3:27] Vincent Rodriguez III: Yeah, and he'll buy the smallest size, just like whenever he has to get milk for the house, he only gets a quart, and I always get a gallon.

[3:34] Brandon Micheal Hall: Besides, that's not the point.

[3:35] Brandon Micheal Hall: The point is that those were my Cocoa Krispies.

[3:40] Vincent Rodriguez III: Oh, please, I'll go buy you some right now.

[3:42] Brandon Micheal Hall: Don't take his side, Ford.

[3:44] Vincent Rodriguez III: I'm not taking his side.

[3:46] Vincent Rodriguez III: I just don't want to listen to you bitch and moan for the next hour and a half about breakfast cereal.

[3:51] Brandon Micheal Hall: I got up very early this morning, Norris.

[3:54] Brandon Micheal Hall: I watched the sunrise.

[3:56] Brandon Micheal Hall: I meditated.

[3:57] Brandon Micheal Hall: I did my laundry, and now I'm folding it slowly and quietly, allowing the discipline of folding to distract my mind from itself so it can be open to the true nature of things.

[4:07] Brandon Micheal Hall: Because this afternoon I have an appointment with a prospective client, which might mean major bucks for me, and you are upsetting the delicate balance I am striving to achieve in the hopes of attaining that goal.

[4:18] Vincent Rodriguez III: I'm merely expressing myself.

[4:20] Brandon Micheal Hall: Yeah, well, express this.

[4:22] Brandon Micheal Hall: He flings a pair of underwear at Norris, hitting him in the face.

[4:26] Vincent Rodriguez III: Gross, you dick!

[4:28] Vincent Rodriguez III: I don't want your cheesy old underwear in my face.

[4:33] Vincent Rodriguez III: How's your head?

[4:34] Brandon Micheal Hall: Fine.

[4:36] Vincent Rodriguez III: You're not hungover.

[4:37] Brandon Micheal Hall: I don't get hangovers.

[4:39] Vincent Rodriguez III: You've just forgotten what it feels like not to have one.

[4:42] Brandon Micheal Hall: We did not drink that much.

[4:45] Vincent Rodriguez III: Maybe not for Dylan Thomas.

[4:47] Brandon Micheal Hall: Wimp.

[4:48] Vincent Rodriguez III: You guys drank half a bottle of tequila.

[4:50] Brandon Micheal Hall: You were tanked.

[4:51] Vincent Rodriguez III: Hunter was tanked.

[4:53] Brandon Micheal Hall: I was fine.

[4:55] Vincent Rodriguez III: You were both sloppy, smelly, fall down, talk too loud, and stick your face too close to mine, drunk.

[5:02] Brandon Micheal Hall: And you were farting indiscriminately.

[5:04] Vincent Rodriguez III: You're just jealous.

[5:06] Brandon Micheal Hall: You pissed in the sink.

[5:07] Vincent Rodriguez III: I did not.

[5:09] Brandon Micheal Hall: Oh, yes, you did.

[5:10] Vincent Rodriguez III: I would never.

[5:12] Brandon Micheal Hall: See, you blacked out.

[5:13] Brandon Micheal Hall: You guys always do that, and then I get up to brush my teeth in the morning, and the sink smells like piss, and I just want to blow chunks all over the place.

[5:22] Vincent Rodriguez III: I can't believe I did that.

[5:24] Vincent Rodriguez III: My opinion of myself has just taken a major dive.

[5:28] Brandon Micheal Hall: Good.

[5:28] Vincent Rodriguez III: You need a more realistic self-image.

[5:31] Brandon Micheal Hall: Why would I do that?

[5:32] Vincent Rodriguez III: Because it's fun.

[5:34] Brandon Micheal Hall: Fun?

[5:35] Vincent Rodriguez III: Peeing in a sink is fun.

[5:36] Brandon Micheal Hall: Sure.

[5:37] Vincent Rodriguez III: Peeing anywhere you're not supposed to pee is fun.

[5:40] Brandon Micheal Hall: I guess that makes New York fun capital of the world.

[5:43] Vincent Rodriguez III: Oh, come on.

[5:44] Vincent Rodriguez III: Haven't you ever peed off a building?

[5:46] Brandon Micheal Hall: They have special phone lines for that, Ford.

[5:49] Vincent Rodriguez III: If you hadn't been so drunk, you'd remember how much fun it was.

[5:52] Brandon Micheal Hall: You know what's really fun?

[5:54] Brandon Micheal Hall: Peeing in a toaster.

[5:55] Brandon Micheal Hall: Only make sure it's turned on first.

[5:58] Vincent Rodriguez III: What time is it?

[6:00] Brandon Micheal Hall: 8:30.

[6:02] Vincent Rodriguez III: 11.

[6:04] Brandon Micheal Hall: I don't know.

[6:05] Brandon Micheal Hall: Shit.

[6:06] Brandon Micheal Hall: Now I'm totally unmotivated.

[6:07] Vincent Rodriguez III: Don't think of it as unmotivated.

[6:10] Vincent Rodriguez III: Think of it as relaxed.

[6:12] Brandon Micheal Hall: If you relax too much, you die.

[6:14] Vincent Rodriguez III: Hey, Zenboy.

[6:15] Vincent Rodriguez III: Listen to yourself.

[6:17] Brandon Micheal Hall: See, you keep thinking that motivation is something you need when in reality it just gets in your way.

[6:23] Brandon Micheal Hall: I am so weird.

[6:25] Brandon Micheal Hall: I am.

[6:26] Brandon Micheal Hall: I felt really great when I got up this morning, full of energy and optimism about the day ahead.

[6:30] Brandon Micheal Hall: And now all of a sudden, I'm on the verge of a coma.

[6:33] Vincent Rodriguez III: Go back to sleep.

[6:35] Brandon Micheal Hall: No.

[6:35] Vincent Rodriguez III: Why not?

[6:37] Brandon Micheal Hall: Because then my energy will be all fucked up from my interview, and I won't get the job, and then I won't be able to buy that Masoni suit.

[6:44] Brandon Micheal Hall: No, I should just stop thinking about it and do it.

[6:47] Vincent Rodriguez III: Do what?

[6:49] Brandon Micheal Hall: Well, I should go over my portfolio, make sure it's in order.

[6:54] Brandon Micheal Hall: I should shave.

[6:56] Brandon Micheal Hall: I should go to the gym.

[6:57] Brandon Micheal Hall: I should write about a million letters to all the people I ever knew in my life.

[7:01] Brandon Micheal Hall: I should go back to school and get my degree.

[7:04] Brandon Micheal Hall: I should rid myself of all negative thinking.

[7:07] Brandon Micheal Hall: I should take an active part in local government.

[7:09] Brandon Micheal Hall: I should make a personal commitment to a healthier environment.

[7:13] Brandon Micheal Hall: I should be the catalyst for my dysfunctional family to begin healing.

[7:16] Vincent Rodriguez III: Oh, lighten up.

[7:17] Vincent Rodriguez III: Look at what you've accomplished already.

[7:19] Vincent Rodriguez III: Look at all those perfect little underwears in a stack.

[7:24] Brandon Micheal Hall: Presentation is everything.

[7:26] Vincent Rodriguez III: You should work at the Gap.

[7:30] Brandon Micheal Hall: Now what?

[7:31] Vincent Rodriguez III: Drink some coffee.

[7:34] Brandon Micheal Hall: Maybe I've got chronic fatigue syndrome.

[7:36] Vincent Rodriguez III: Maybe you're just a whining yuppie.

[7:39] Brandon Micheal Hall: I am not a yuppie.

[7:41] Vincent Rodriguez III: You shave on a regular basis.

[7:43] Vincent Rodriguez III: You refer to people as clients, and look me in the eye and tell me this isn't true.

[7:48] Brandon Micheal Hall: Whenever you get depressed, you buy something you don't need and you feel better immediately.

[7:53] Vincent Rodriguez III: Yeah, but I have not worn a pair of suspenders since I was in Godspell in high school.

[7:58] Brandon Micheal Hall: You have a gold card.

[7:59] Vincent Rodriguez III: I am not a yuppie.

[8:01] Vincent Rodriguez III: Let's take a simple quiz.

[8:02] Vincent Rodriguez III: Which of the following do you have?

[8:04] Vincent Rodriguez III: Doctor?

[8:06] Brandon Micheal Hall: Well, yeah.

[8:07] Vincent Rodriguez III: Dentist?

[8:08] Brandon Micheal Hall: Sure.

[8:09] Vincent Rodriguez III: Accountant.

[8:11] Brandon Micheal Hall: Of course.

[8:12] Vincent Rodriguez III: Shrink.

[8:13] Brandon Micheal Hall: You know I do.

[8:14] Vincent Rodriguez III: Hairdresser.

[8:16] Brandon Micheal Hall: Yeah, but I haven't been real happy with her lately.

[8:18] Vincent Rodriguez III: Acupuncturist.

[8:20] Brandon Micheal Hall: Is there a point to all this?

[8:22] Vincent Rodriguez III: You have a staff.

[8:24] Brandon Micheal Hall: Oh, please.

[8:25] Vincent Rodriguez III: I am a functioning member of a service economy.

[8:28] Brandon Micheal Hall: I buy services that I really need from professionals who do a really good job.

[8:32] Vincent Rodriguez III: You are a total sucker for new and embarrassing ways to spend money.

[8:37] Brandon Micheal Hall: Okay, but part of that is that I'm a Taurus, right?

[8:40] Brandon Micheal Hall: And I have this psychic need for material comfort.

[8:42] Vincent Rodriguez III: Oh, that's convenient.

[8:44] Vincent Rodriguez III: Yuppie.

[8:45] Brandon Micheal Hall: No way am I a yuppie.

[8:47] Vincent Rodriguez III: The only way you're not a yuppie is if I never peed in the sink.

[8:54] Brandon Micheal Hall: Deal.

[8:55] Vincent Rodriguez III: Wow.

[8:56] Vincent Rodriguez III: I guess reality is not nearly as confining as I thought.

[9:01] Josh Johnston: Do you have any dope?

[9:03] Josh Johnston: Hunter enters.

[9:04] Josh Johnston: Anyone know anybody who wants to stay up all night for 10 bucks an hour?

[9:09] Vincent Rodriguez III: Doing what?

[9:10] Josh Johnston: Watching equipment.

[9:12] Vincent Rodriguez III: What kind of equipment?

[9:14] Josh Johnston: Two 12-foot scaffolding towers, a bunch of cable.

[9:17] Vincent Rodriguez III: Cash?

[9:18] Josh Johnston: I think so.

[9:19] Josh Johnston: I'm pretty sure.

[9:20] Vincent Rodriguez III: Do it, Norris.

[9:21] Vincent Rodriguez III: You could pee off the top, and nobody would ever know.

[9:23] Josh Johnston: Why do they need to be watched?

[9:25] Josh Johnston: Keep people from stealing them, basically.

[9:27] Josh Johnston: Trashing them, sleeping on them.

[9:28] Josh Johnston: I don't know.

[9:28] Vincent Rodriguez III: Are you interested?

[9:30] Brandon Micheal Hall: Maybe.

[9:31] Josh Johnston: Well, I gotta know now, because they have to be watched tonight.

[9:34] Josh Johnston: From when to when?

[9:36] Josh Johnston: About 2 a.m. to 7 tomorrow morning.

[9:39] Brandon Micheal Hall: That's only five hours.

[9:41] Josh Johnston: Yeah, something like that.

[9:43] Brandon Micheal Hall: Well, that's only $50.

[9:45] Josh Johnston: Do you want to do it or not?

[9:46] Brandon Micheal Hall: Stay up all night for just $50?

[9:49] Josh Johnston: It's not like you have to work or anything.

[9:51] Josh Johnston: Just sit on your fat ass all night long.

[9:53] Brandon Micheal Hall: Yeah, make myself available to any stray psycho killer who just happens to wander into the picture.

[9:58] Brandon Micheal Hall: Forget it.

[9:59] Josh Johnston: Where?

[10:00] Josh Johnston: Village.

[10:01] Josh Johnston: NYU.

[10:03] Brandon Micheal Hall: I'll do it for a hundred.

[10:05] Josh Johnston: Norris, the offer is ten bucks an hour.

[10:07] Josh Johnston: We can't afford any more.

[10:09] Josh Johnston: I'm pouring a shitload of my own money into this thing already because I need it for my real 75.

[10:15] Josh Johnston: 10 bucks, Norris.

[10:16] Josh Johnston: 10 bucks an hour.

[10:17] Josh Johnston: There is no room for discussion.

[10:18] Josh Johnston: Do you want to do it or not?

[10:20] Josh Johnston: Because there are other people who will.

[10:22] Brandon Micheal Hall: You know, you're always bitching about how you don't have any money.

[10:24] Brandon Micheal Hall: I just thought you might want to, but if you don't, forget it.

[10:28] Brandon Micheal Hall: I don't care.

[10:30] Brandon Micheal Hall: Yeah, I'll do it.

[10:31] Brandon Micheal Hall: Tonight?

[10:33] Josh Johnston: Tonight.

[10:34] Brandon Micheal Hall: Shit, it's supposed to rain, isn't it?

[10:37] Josh Johnston: Perfect.

[10:37] Josh Johnston: This always happens to me.

[10:39] Brandon Micheal Hall: What's for breakfast?

[10:41] Vincent Rodriguez III: Not Cocoa Krispies.

[10:42] Brandon Micheal Hall: Thanks to you.

[10:43] Brandon Micheal Hall: What?

[10:44] Vincent Rodriguez III: Ford says you used my Cocoa Krispies for the glue traps.

[10:47] Josh Johnston: I said I thought.

[10:48] Josh Johnston: I didn't say I knew for sure.

[10:50] Josh Johnston: I used whatever was there.

[10:51] Brandon Micheal Hall: Well, you owe me a box.

[10:53] Brandon Micheal Hall: And a big box.

[10:54] Brandon Micheal Hall: Not one of those little ones.

[10:55] Josh Johnston: It was the biggest one.

[10:58] Brandon Micheal Hall: I'm really hungry.

[11:00] Josh Johnston: I have some food in the fridge.

[11:01] Josh Johnston: You're welcome to it.

[11:02] Brandon Micheal Hall: Is it real?

[11:04] Josh Johnston: I've been operating under the assumption that it is, and I haven't run into any trouble yet.

[11:09] Brandon Micheal Hall: Because some of that stuff you eat, Ford, I don't know.

[11:12] Brandon Micheal Hall: It's almost like food, but it doesn't quite make it.

[11:14] Brandon Micheal Hall: And I can only eat real food.

[11:16] Josh Johnston: Well, there's tofu.

[11:18] Brandon Micheal Hall: Eh, not real.

[11:19] Brandon Micheal Hall: Not even close.

[11:20] Brandon Micheal Hall: I need something from the four major food groups.

[11:20] Josh Johnston: Tofu is protein.

[11:20] Brandon Micheal Hall: Wait, no.

[11:20] Brandon Micheal Hall: It's a vegetable.

[11:20] Brandon Micheal Hall: The four major food groups, Ford, sugar, salt, grease, and alcohol.

[11:31] Josh Johnston: You are twisted.

[11:33] Brandon Micheal Hall: Mars bar and a beer.

[11:34] Brandon Micheal Hall: It's a complete meal.

[11:35] Brandon Micheal Hall: What else do you have?

[11:37] Josh Johnston: Tabouli?

[11:38] Brandon Micheal Hall: Eh.

[11:39] Brandon Micheal Hall: Give me something I can work with, babe.

[11:41] Josh Johnston: A cumquat.

[11:43] Boyd Gaines: Norris and Hunter stare at each other.

[11:46] Boyd Gaines: What the fuck is that?

[11:48] Josh Johnston: And some cheese.

[11:49] Brandon Micheal Hall: Cheese I can deal with.

[11:51] Boyd Gaines: Thanks, Binky.

[11:53] Boyd Gaines: Hunter exits.

[11:55] Boyd Gaines: I'll never see those Cocoa Krispies again.

[11:57] Boyd Gaines: You know I never will.

[11:59] Brandon Micheal Hall: Norris, if you love something, set it free.

[12:02] Vincent Rodriguez III: Oh, thank you, Swami Bessie.

[12:04] Brandon Micheal Hall: I'm serious though.

[12:06] Brandon Micheal Hall: Did you notice how he just kind of shrugged it off when I said you owe me a box and he just said I'm really hungry?

[12:11] Vincent Rodriguez III: Yeah, I don't know why I should expect anything different.

[12:14] Vincent Rodriguez III: He does the same thing all the time, always has.

[12:16] Brandon Micheal Hall: Do you know how long I've known him?

[12:18] Brandon Micheal Hall: He just acts like he owns the fucking world.

[12:20] Brandon Micheal Hall: I'm going across the street.

[12:21] Brandon Micheal Hall: Do you want anything?

[12:22] Vincent Rodriguez III: What are you getting?

[12:24] Brandon Micheal Hall: Coffee.

[12:25] Vincent Rodriguez III: Would you get me some?

[12:26] Brandon Micheal Hall: Sure.

[12:27] Brandon Micheal Hall: My money's upstairs.

[12:28] Brandon Micheal Hall: Don't worry about it.

[12:30] Boyd Gaines: Ford exits.

[12:32] Boyd Gaines: Norris examines Ford's laundry and begins refolding it.

[12:36] Josh Johnston: Hunter enters carrying a plastic bowl.

[12:40] Josh Johnston: Look at this cheese.

[12:42] Josh Johnston: Is that weird or what?

[12:44] Brandon Micheal Hall: It's just cheese.

[12:45] Josh Johnston: What kind, though?

[12:47] Brandon Micheal Hall: I don't know.

[12:48] Josh Johnston: Healthy?

[12:49] Brandon Micheal Hall: Fuuck.

[12:50] Brandon Micheal Hall: We need to get a roommate who eats like a real person.

[12:52] Josh Johnston: Didn't we used to have some donuts?

[12:54] Brandon Micheal Hall: Yeah.

[12:55] Brandon Micheal Hall: About a month ago.

[12:57] Brandon Micheal Hall: So you'll do this.

[12:58] Brandon Micheal Hall: You'll watch that shit tonight?

[13:00] Josh Johnston: I said I would.

[13:01] Brandon Micheal Hall: Okay.

[13:02] Brandon Micheal Hall: I'm calling Bart, so you can't wimp out when it gets to be about midnight and say, oh shit, I don't feel so good.

[13:06] Josh Johnston: Maybe I should stay at home.

[13:08] Brandon Micheal Hall: I would never.

[13:09] Josh Johnston: Right.

[13:10] Brandon Micheal Hall: You might find this hard to believe, Hunter, but some people around here stick to it when they give you their word.

[13:15] Josh Johnston: Just like some people around here have respect for other people's private property.

[13:19] Brandon Micheal Hall: Oh fuck.

[13:20] Brandon Micheal Hall: Now what?

[13:21] Josh Johnston: It's not the Cocoa Krispies themselves, Hunter.

[13:24] Josh Johnston: It's the principle of the thing.

[13:26] Brandon Micheal Hall: Norris, there was only about half a there was only about a spoonful in there.

[13:31] Brandon Micheal Hall: I had to put something on the glue trap as bait.

[13:34] Josh Johnston: What do you want me to do?

[13:35] Josh Johnston: Go buy a whole thing of cereal just to use about a spoonful?

[13:38] Brandon Micheal Hall: You're the one who's so freaked out by the mice anyway.

[13:41] Josh Johnston: I'm not freaked out by them.

[13:43] Josh Johnston: I just hate going into the pantry and having to dig through rat turds to get anything to eat.

[13:47] Brandon Micheal Hall: Why?

[13:48] Brandon Micheal Hall: If you weren't allergic to cats, we wouldn't have this problem.

[13:50] Josh Johnston: Oh, now I'm supposed to feel guilty because I'm a human being.

[13:54] Brandon Micheal Hall: Who said you were supposed to feel guilty about anything?

[13:57] Josh Johnston: What makes you think mice are gonna like Cocoa Krispies anyway?

[14:01] Brandon Micheal Hall: Are you kidding?

[14:02] Brandon Micheal Hall: Mice eat anything.

[14:03] Brandon Micheal Hall: They even eat those rice cake things that Ford eats.

[14:06] Brandon Micheal Hall: They're always getting into those.

[14:07] Josh Johnston: So how come you didn't use those for bait?

[14:09] Josh Johnston: How come it's always my shit you take?

[14:11] Brandon Micheal Hall: Well, I figured this was going to be the last thing that some poor mouse would ever eat.

[14:15] Brandon Micheal Hall: I should give it a break.

[14:17] Vincent Rodriguez III: Those rice wads taste like styrofoam.

[14:19] Brandon Micheal Hall: At least Cocoa Krispies has flavor.

[14:21] Vincent Rodriguez III: Aha!

[14:22] Brandon Micheal Hall: See?

[14:23] Vincent Rodriguez III: What?

[14:24] Brandon Micheal Hall: You said Cocoa Krispies has flavor, which means you know what they taste like.

[14:28] Vincent Rodriguez III: Which means you ate some.

[14:30] Brandon Micheal Hall: Well, yeah, in my life I have eaten Cocoa Krispies.

[14:34] Vincent Rodriguez III: In the last 24 hours, you have eaten my Cocoa Krispies.

[14:38] Brandon Micheal Hall: You know, I could understand this if this was your stereo or your computer or your car.

[14:42] Vincent Rodriguez III: I don't have any of those things.

[14:43] Brandon Micheal Hall: So what?

[14:44] Vincent Rodriguez III: You're making up for it being like car proud with your fucking cereal? Is that it? Are you Coco Crispy proud?

[14:50] Brandon Micheal Hall: All I want you to do is admit that you took my cereal without asking, for you to apologize, and for you to buy me some more.

[14:58] Vincent Rodriguez III: See, you shouldn't have done that.

[15:01] Brandon Micheal Hall: If I know that's what you want me to do, then automatically, I don't want to do it. It's just a basic response I have.

[15:07] Vincent Rodriguez III: Sorry.

[15:08] Brandon Micheal Hall: That's like saying, oh, I'm so sorry, I shot you in the face, but I've always been a psycho killer, so it wasn't really my fault.

[15:14] Vincent Rodriguez III: Works for me.

[15:16] Brandon Micheal Hall: There's no talking to you.

[15:18] Vincent Rodriguez III: I guess not.

[15:20] Boyd Gaines: Ford enters carrying a bag of groceries.

[15:24] Vincent Rodriguez III: What'd you get?

[15:25] Boyd Gaines: Lots of good stuff. I got plain yogurt.

[15:28] Vincent Rodriguez III: Some skim milk.

[15:30] Boyd Gaines: That shit is paint, man. Some real milk for you two fatsuckers.

[15:34] Vincent Rodriguez III: See? He gets a whole gallon. And the largest box of Cocoa Krispies ever in the history of God.

[15:42] Brandon Micheal Hall: Oh, excellent.

[15:45] Boyd Gaines: This doesn't mean you still don't owe me a box.

[15:47] Vincent Rodriguez III: And three cups of coffee.

[15:49] Boyd Gaines: You're alright, man.

[15:51] Vincent Rodriguez III: Oh, sure. Somebody gives you shit. They're alright.

[15:54] Brandon Micheal Hall: Norris turns to leave.

[15:56] Boyd Gaines: Where are you going?

[15:57] Brandon Micheal Hall: I'm going to get some coffee cups.

[15:59] Boyd Gaines: They're in cups already.

[16:01] Brandon Micheal Hall: Yeah, but coffee tastes better when it's in a ceramic cup.

[16:04] Vincent Rodriguez III: Do you have any scientific data to back that up?

[16:08] Brandon Micheal Hall: Yes.

[16:10] Boyd Gaines: Norris exits.

[16:12] Vincent Rodriguez III: He's fucking out of control, Ford.

[16:15] Boyd Gaines: I know. Yesterday he yelled at me because I rinsed something off too much before I put it in the dishwasher.

[16:21] Vincent Rodriguez III: I may have to resort to violence.

[16:23] Boyd Gaines: He's just frustrated.

[16:25] Vincent Rodriguez III: Well, so am I, but I'm not an asshole about it.

[16:29] Boyd Gaines: Okay, but when I'm an asshole, it doesn't bother me nearly as much as when he's one.

[16:33] Vincent Rodriguez III: What is he so frustrated by anyway?

[16:35] Boyd Gaines: His life.

[16:36] Vincent Rodriguez III: What are you so frustrated by?

[16:38] Boyd Gaines: His life.

[16:41] Vincent Rodriguez III: Oh, look. There's a bee in this bowl.

[16:43] Boyd Gaines: On this cheese.

[16:49] Vincent Rodriguez III: They stare at it.

[16:52] Boyd Gaines: Bees are so cool. Look how they're designed.

[16:56] Vincent Rodriguez III: It looks stoned. It's eating that cheese.

[17:01] Boyd Gaines: Bees don't eat cheese.

[17:03] Vincent Rodriguez III: That one does.

[17:05] Boyd Gaines: I came in the kitchen the other day. There was a goddamn bumblebee scratching its back on the light bulb. Just kind of flying around, rubbing its back up against the light bulb. Can you believe it?

[17:14] Vincent Rodriguez III: Bugs in this house are so weird. I mean, if you're going to be nature, act natural.

[17:21] Boyd Gaines: It's goat cheese.

[17:23] Vincent Rodriguez III: What is this? Bees eating cheese, scratching their backs? Man, this sucks.

[17:30] Brandon Micheal Hall: Hey, bees have a hard life. I mean, they work all the time.

[17:35] Vincent Rodriguez III: So, Binky. I have a new girlfriend.

[17:37] Brandon Micheal Hall: I know. I met her.

[17:40] Vincent Rodriguez III: No. That one's history.

[17:42] Brandon Micheal Hall: The blonde?

[17:43] Vincent Rodriguez III: Yeah.

[17:44] Brandon Micheal Hall: I liked her.

[17:45] Vincent Rodriguez III: You can have her.

[17:47] Brandon Micheal Hall: What?

[17:47] Vincent Rodriguez III: She was nice. She was smart. She was pretty.

[17:49] Brandon Micheal Hall: She was pathological.

[17:50] Vincent Rodriguez III: How was she pathological?

[17:52] Brandon Micheal Hall: Total tease.

[17:54] Vincent Rodriguez III: Really? I mean, she played some major, major games.

[17:58] Brandon Micheal Hall: That's too bad. She's totally afraid of commitment. I mean, I was there. I was ready. And she wasn't. No way. She said she was, but when it came down to it, she chickened out.

[18:11] Vincent Rodriguez III: How long did you guys see each other?

[18:13] Brandon Micheal Hall: Long enough.

[18:15] Vincent Rodriguez III: A month.

[18:16] Brandon Micheal Hall: Wow. You can tell pretty much everything about somebody after a month, don't you think? It's a long time.

[18:25] Vincent Rodriguez III: This new girl, though. She's pretty cool. You would like her.

[18:28] Brandon Micheal Hall: Great. What's her name?

[18:30] Vincent Rodriguez III: Linda.

[18:31] Brandon Micheal Hall: What does she do?

[18:32] Vincent Rodriguez III: She's an artist.

[18:34] Brandon Micheal Hall: Cool. What kind of art?

[18:36] Vincent Rodriguez III: You know, neurotic woman art.

[18:40] Brandon Micheal Hall: Like what?

[18:41] Vincent Rodriguez III: Mostly video stuff, I think. I've only seen one thing.

[18:45] Brandon Micheal Hall: She's lying in this bathtub, and then all this animated shit comes out of her head.

[18:49] Vincent Rodriguez III: She makes films?

[18:51] Brandon Micheal Hall: No way. She's just some kind of artist. Something bogus like performance art.

[18:58] Vincent Rodriguez III: Do you like her?

[18:59] Brandon Micheal Hall: I don't know. I might. I do sometimes.

[19:06] Vincent Rodriguez III: You guys must have a lot in common. You know, with her making videos.

[19:10] Brandon Micheal Hall: Some.

[19:11] Vincent Rodriguez III: She's kind of a Jap, though.

[19:14] Brandon Micheal Hall: She has a car.

[19:15] Vincent Rodriguez III: Great. A Miata.

[19:18] Boyd Gaines: Norris enters carrying a tray. On it are three coffee mugs, three spoons, a half empty pint container of ice cream, and an opened can of chocolate syrup.

[19:29] Brandon Micheal Hall: You guys, I was looking on the calendar on the front of the fridge, and guess what today is?

[19:34] Vincent Rodriguez III: Your birthday.

[19:36] Brandon Micheal Hall: Guess.

[19:37] Vincent Rodriguez III: I give up.

[19:39] Brandon Micheal Hall: What?

[19:39] Vincent Rodriguez III: The anniversary of the first atomic bomb.

[19:43] Brandon Micheal Hall: Excellent. Don't you think that's weird they would choose that date to commemorate? And with an illustration, no less.

[19:50] Vincent Rodriguez III: Let's celebrate.

[19:51] Brandon Micheal Hall: Could this be a tequila related event?

[19:55] Norris JOSH JOHNSTON: Not for me.

[19:55] Brandon Micheal Hall: No, that's what all of this is for. It's a celebrate. Indicating the tray.

[20:00] Vincent Rodriguez III: Oh, Binky, you never join our reindeer games.

[20:03] Brandon Micheal Hall: I have a job interview today. I can't.

[20:05] Vincent Rodriguez III: Let's just have some ice cream and coffee.

[20:08] Brandon Micheal Hall: I don't know. It seems so wimpy.

[20:11] Vincent Rodriguez III: It's 10 o'clock in the morning, Hunter. I can't start this early.

[20:13] Brandon Micheal Hall: Man, you are turning into an old man. An old man with no balls, an old man with no dick.

[20:21] Vincent Rodriguez III: Noon. Start whenever you want.

[20:23] Brandon Micheal Hall: I'm starting now.

[20:24] Boyd Gaines: Hunter exits.

[20:26] Brandon Micheal Hall: Great. Now he's gonna make me spend my whole day off drunk.

[20:29] Vincent Rodriguez III: I thought you didn't get drunk.

[20:31] Brandon Micheal Hall: I don't get hangovers. I get drunk a lot.

[20:36] Vincent Rodriguez III: A little too much, you know what I mean?

[20:38] Brandon Micheal Hall: Just say no.

[20:39] Vincent Rodriguez III: Yeah, but then he'll say I'm limping out.

[20:42] Brandon Micheal Hall: So?

[20:43] Vincent Rodriguez III: I just don't want him to think that.

[20:45] Brandon Micheal Hall: He already thinks he's such a giant among men. I can't let him get away with it.

[20:49] Vincent Rodriguez III: That's a really stupid reason, Norris.

[20:51] Brandon Micheal Hall: Yeah, well, and he doesn't ride you like he rides me.

[20:54] Vincent Rodriguez III: Only because you let him.

[20:56] Brandon Micheal Hall: I do not let him. I do not. I'm the only one around here who calls him on his shit.

[21:02] Vincent Rodriguez III: You antagonize him, which just makes him antagonize you more.

[21:06] Brandon Micheal Hall: So what? I'm just supposed to let him get away with everything?

[21:08] Vincent Rodriguez III: Of course not. Not if he's seriously infringing upon your rights as a human being, but every little thing, God, it gets so exhausting.

[21:18] Brandon Micheal Hall: Him eating my Cocoa Krispies is an infringement on my rights.

[21:23] Vincent Rodriguez III: I guess it's just a question of perspective.

[21:25] Brandon Micheal Hall: Don't you think I have a right to have food in this house without people eating it?

[21:29] Vincent Rodriguez III: Of course. I mean, I'm sorry. I just think if something's important to you, you should speak up about it.

[21:35] Brandon Micheal Hall: You just like to argue.

[21:36] Vincent Rodriguez III: What's wrong with that?

[21:37] Brandon Micheal Hall: Nothing. Then why are you making such a big deal about it?

[21:41] Vincent Rodriguez III: I'm not making a big deal.

[21:43] Brandon Micheal Hall: You were the one who sounded a little concerned about how much you were drinking earlier.

[21:48] Vincent Rodriguez III: I think you're letting this competition thing with Hunter turn into the perfect excuse for you to drink more.

[21:53] Brandon Micheal Hall: I don't need an excuse, Ford, and I don't need a shrink either, okay?

[21:59] Vincent Rodriguez III: Okay. Sorry.

[22:02] Boyd Gaines: You want ice cream in your coffee?

[22:05] Brandon Micheal Hall: No.

[22:06] Vincent Rodriguez III: What?

[22:06] Brandon Micheal Hall: It's good.

[22:07] Vincent Rodriguez III: No, thanks.

[22:10] Boyd Gaines: Aren't you gonna put yours in a cup?

[22:12] Brandon Micheal Hall: No.

[22:14] Boyd Gaines: Here, pour the milk in first, then pour the coffee in. It tastes better that way.

[22:18] Brandon Micheal Hall: Norris pours milk into a mug, then reaches for Ford's paper cup of coffee.

[22:23] Boyd Gaines: Norris, don't.

[22:24] Brandon Micheal Hall: It's good.

[22:26] Boyd Gaines: I mean it.

[22:27] Brandon Micheal Hall: Ford takes the coffee from Norris.

[22:29] Boyd Gaines: Look, even if that was going to be the best cup of coffee I ever had in my life, and even if drinking it out of this paper cup is going to make it the most rancid cup ever since the beginning of time, I would rather drink it out of this paper cup. Can you understand that?

[22:48] Vincent Rodriguez III: You're serious, aren't you?

[22:50] Boyd Gaines: Yes. You have to stop telling me how to change everything I do so that I do everything like you, okay? I'm not you, Norris. We're two different people. We have two different ways of doing things, and they're both valid.

[23:02] Brandon Micheal Hall: I only tell you things because I think they'll help you.

[23:05] Boyd Gaines: I appreciate that, but you would really help me out if you quit doing it altogether.

[23:10] Vincent Rodriguez III: Okay. God. Thank you.

[23:14] Boyd Gaines: Hunter enters holding a bottle of tequila in one hand and a glue trap with a mouse caught in it in the other.

[23:21] Brandon Micheal Hall: Hey, Norris. Those Cocoa Krispies did the trick. Look what I found.

[23:25] Vincent Rodriguez III: Oh, gross. Is it still alive?

[23:29] Brandon Micheal Hall: Yeah. Throw it away.

[23:31] Vincent Rodriguez III: No, don't. You want to keep it? You can't just throw it away and let it lay there in the garbage and die a slow and agonizing death.

[23:39] Brandon Micheal Hall: It's a mouse.

[23:40] Vincent Rodriguez III: That doesn't mean it can't suffer.

[23:42] Brandon Micheal Hall: Eat it. It's lower on the food chain.

[23:45] Vincent Rodriguez III: You're lower on the food chain. Eat me then.

[23:47] Brandon Micheal Hall: We have to do something.

[23:49] Vincent Rodriguez III: What? You want to pry it loose and set it free?

[23:52] Brandon Micheal Hall: We can't have mice in the house, Ford. They're filthy. They eat our food. They carry disease.

[23:57] Vincent Rodriguez III: I know that. But now that we've caught it, we have a responsibility. We can't just let it lay there and die.

[24:04] Brandon Micheal Hall: We have to kill it.

[24:05] Vincent Rodriguez III: Yeah. You don't want us to let it die, so you want to kill it. That makes a lot of sense.

[24:11] Brandon Micheal Hall: Geek it! We have to put it out of its misery. We have to alleviate its suffering.

[24:17] Vincent Rodriguez III: Drown it. That's a terrible way to die.

[24:19] Brandon Micheal Hall: Oh, well, let's get it some morphine. Call in a priest. Hold its little mouse hand and say, go toward the light.

[24:28] Vincent Rodriguez III: Something fast. Put it in the blender. Put it in one of those Splarbie health drinks you make. I'm sure it's got lots of protein.

[24:35] Brandon Micheal Hall: Alleviate its suffering? Get serious. You sound like LA Law.

[24:39] Vincent Rodriguez III: Look at it, Norris. Look at its eyes. You don't think it's suffering?

[24:44] Brandon Micheal Hall: What are you? The prince of mice? Next thing you know, you get rid of all the bug spray in the house because it makes the roaches suffer.

[24:50] Vincent Rodriguez III: Actually, that wouldn't be a bad idea.

[24:52] Brandon Micheal Hall: You have lost it, Ford. All this new age shit has scrambled your brain.

[24:56] Vincent Rodriguez III: Not because of the roaches suffering, I don't care about that, but because that shit's poison, man. That's the kind of stuff that's fucking up your allergies.

[25:05] Brandon Micheal Hall: Wait a minute. You don't care about the roaches, but here you are all concerned about this mouse.

[25:11] Vincent Rodriguez III: What's the difference?

[25:13] Brandon Micheal Hall: When I look at this mouse, I see it's suffering. I don't see roaches suffering. When bums come up to us on the street, you're always saying don't give them money.

[25:22] Vincent Rodriguez III: You don't have any money to give them anyway.

[25:24] Brandon Micheal Hall: Fuck off. You're always saying don't give them money because you're interfering with their karma when you do. And they're suffering.

[25:29] Vincent Rodriguez III: Yeah, but I am not personally responsible for them being where they are.

[25:35] Brandon Micheal Hall: We are responsible for this mouse being in this glue trap. It is suffering because of us. The least we can do, the most humane thing we can do is end its suffering.

[25:46] Vincent Rodriguez III: By killing it.

[25:47] Brandon Micheal Hall: Yes. That is the stupidest argument I've ever heard.

[25:52] Vincent Rodriguez III: You think by throwing it in the garbage, we're not killing it. I think we should see how many different ways we can make it suffer. Put toothpicks in it, pour Draino on it, put it in the microwave.

[26:02] Brandon Micheal Hall: I will not have that mouse in the microwave.

[26:05] Vincent Rodriguez III: The glue trap's made out of styrofoam. It's microwave safe.

[26:08] Brandon Micheal Hall: Were you a Nazi in a former life?

[26:10] Vincent Rodriguez III: I hope so. Here, give it to me. Shit, poor thing. Sorry, bud. You're just in the wrong place at the wrong time.

[26:19] Boyd Gaines: He turns and exits.

[26:21] Brandon Micheal Hall: Norris follows him off. Hunter remains on stage eating cereal.

[26:27] Vincent Rodriguez III: Where are you going?

[26:28] Brandon Micheal Hall: I'm going to get a plastic bag.

[26:30] Vincent Rodriguez III: Don't tell me you're gonna suffocate it.

[26:31] Brandon Micheal Hall: No, I am not going to suffocate him. That's a terrible way to die. I'm going to put him in a plastic bag and then I'm going to put that in a paper bag and then.

[26:40] Vincent Rodriguez III: How do you know it's a him?

[26:42] Brandon Micheal Hall: Her, then. It. I mean, if you're gonna be all ethically correct, you can't afford to let a little sexism creep in. And then I'm going to put this mouse of whatever sex, neither of which is superior or inferior, but rather complimentary, mirroring the other in a beautiful cosmic harmony. Are you satisfied? Now I am putting it into this paper bag.

[27:02] Vincent Rodriguez III: Why?

[27:03] Brandon Micheal Hall: Because that way it won't be able to see when I bash its brains in with this hammer.

[27:09] Boyd Gaines: Ford enters holding a folded over paper bag and a hammer.

[27:13] Vincent Rodriguez III: You mean that way you won't have to look at it when you bash its brains in with that hammer?

[27:19] Brandon Micheal Hall: That too. Binky the Terminator!

[27:22] Vincent Rodriguez III: I think if you gotta kill it, you should have to watch it die.

[27:25] Brandon Micheal Hall: I am so glad you feel compelled to share with me your way of executing mice, Norris.

[27:31] Boyd Gaines: Do you see what you're doing? This is exactly what I was talking about earlier. Besides, that is a total vegetarian argument, and you eat Vienna sausages.

[27:40] Vincent Rodriguez III: Now those I did not touch.

[27:42] Boyd Gaines: Ford sets the bag on the table and steps back.

[27:47] Brandon Micheal Hall: Should we say a prayer or something?

[27:49] Vincent Rodriguez III: You should pray nobody ever finds out what a dink you are.

[27:53] Brandon Micheal Hall: I'm sorry I have to kill you, Mouse.

[27:55] Vincent Rodriguez III: Not half as sorry as I am.

[28:00] Boyd Gaines: Do it, Binky. What are you waiting for?

[28:03] Boyd Gaines: Ford hits the bag with the hammer.

[28:06] Boyd Gaines: Hard. He hits it several times.

[28:19] Boyd Gaines: Probably a bit more than necessary.

[28:24] Brandon Micheal Hall: I really need to get laid. This is so lame.

[28:26] Vincent Rodriguez III: How do you feel?

[28:30] Brandon Micheal Hall: Did you get a boner?

[28:31] Brandon Micheal Hall: I just watched a grown man savagely murder a defenseless animal all because it was the humane thing to do.

[28:39] Vincent Rodriguez III: I live with this person.

[28:40] Vincent Rodriguez III: I share a bathroom with this person.

[28:42] Brandon Micheal Hall: What's that on your leg?

[28:44] Vincent Rodriguez III: Where?

[28:45] Brandon Micheal Hall: There.

[28:46] Vincent Rodriguez III: Oh!

[28:47] Brandon Micheal Hall: Oh, some of that mouse's gut splarved out of that bag onto my leg!

[28:52] Vincent Rodriguez III: Oh!

[28:53] Boyd Gaines: He does a little dance of revulsion and runs out of the room.

[28:57] Brandon Micheal Hall: I'm exhausted.

[28:59] Vincent Rodriguez III: Don't you want to look at it?

[29:01] Brandon Micheal Hall: No.

[29:02] Vincent Rodriguez III: Oh, come on, you know you do.

[29:05] Brandon Micheal Hall: No.

[29:06] Vincent Rodriguez III: You have to.

[29:08] Boyd Gaines: A pause.

[29:09] Boyd Gaines: Then Ford opens the bag.

[29:12] Boyd Gaines: They peer inside.

[29:15] Vincent Rodriguez III: Boy, you obliterated that thing.

[29:18] Brandon Micheal Hall: You think it's dead?

[29:20] Vincent Rodriguez III: Dead?

[29:21] Brandon Micheal Hall: It's strawberry yogurt.

[29:24] Vincent Rodriguez III: I think I'm going to cry.

[29:26] Brandon Micheal Hall: Don't wimp out on me, Binky.

[29:28] Vincent Rodriguez III: And whatever you do, don't think about this poor mouse's wife and six baby kids waiting back at home for this guy to bring them their dinner.

[29:36] Brandon Micheal Hall: Shut up.

[29:37] Vincent Rodriguez III: Little Timmy Mouse and Becky Mouse.

[29:40] Brandon Micheal Hall: Shut up!

[29:41] Vincent Rodriguez III: They're cute little baby mouse faces all scrunched up, saying, Where's our daddy?

[29:46] Brandon Micheal Hall: We should write a letter.

[29:47] Vincent Rodriguez III: Dear Mrs. Mouse, we regret to inform you that your husband was tragically killed in the line of duty.

[29:52] Vincent Rodriguez III: Here's his body in a bag.

[29:54] Vincent Rodriguez III: We're really sorry.

[29:56] Brandon Micheal Hall: Fuck off.

[29:57] Vincent Rodriguez III: He died big.

[30:00] Boyd Gaines: Man.

[30:01] Boyd Gaines: I just remembered I read in the Science Times.

[30:05] Boyd Gaines: I think mice are the only species that really do mate for life.

[30:09] Boyd Gaines: That are completely monogamous.

[30:11] Brandon Micheal Hall: You must feel really bad now.

[30:13] Boyd Gaines: His poor wife will never get laid again.

[30:16] Brandon Micheal Hall: I wonder if mice can feel grief.

[30:19] Vincent Rodriguez III: I wonder if mice can feel pissed.

[30:22] Brandon Micheal Hall: Wow.

[30:23] Vincent Rodriguez III: What?

[30:25] Brandon Micheal Hall: I just killed something.

[30:28] Brandon Micheal Hall: I am the dark angel of death.

[30:31] Vincent Rodriguez III: Now don't go getting a swelled head.

[30:34] Brandon Micheal Hall: I wonder what this does for me, karma-wise.

[30:37] Vincent Rodriguez III: You're fucked.

[30:39] Vincent Rodriguez III: Give it up.

[30:40] Boyd Gaines: Do a shot.

[30:41] Boyd Gaines: He has poured shots.

[30:43] Boyd Gaines: He places one in front of Ford.

[30:46] Brandon Micheal Hall: Oh man, I really shouldn't.

[30:50] Brandon Micheal Hall: What the fuck?

[30:52] Boyd Gaines: Norris enters, toweling dry his leg, as Ford and Hunter drink.

[30:57] Brandon Micheal Hall: I cannot believe you got mouse guts on my leg.

[31:01] Brandon Micheal Hall: I will never forgive you.

[31:03] Vincent Rodriguez III: Oh, great.

[31:05] Vincent Rodriguez III: Look at you, Mr. Just Say No.

[31:07] Brandon Micheal Hall: Hey, I've been through a lot today.

[31:09] Vincent Rodriguez III: Spare me.

[31:11] Brandon Micheal Hall: God, can you imagine? I mean, what if you were stuck to this thing? You couldn't move. You couldn't get loose, and then this big monster, hideous, huge monster thing just picks you up and sticks its big scary face in yours and starts carrying you around.

[31:28] Vincent Rodriguez III: I wonder how long it was there before we found it.

[31:31] Boyd Gaines: Who knows? Maybe all night.

[31:34] Boyd Gaines: That is so awful.

[31:36] Boyd Gaines: Being trapped.

[31:38] Boyd Gaines: Just waiting.

[31:39] Boyd Gaines: Not really knowing what you're waiting for, but totally powerless.

[31:45] Boyd Gaines: All this time to just fear.

[31:49] Boyd Gaines: It must have seemed like eternity.

[31:51] Brandon Micheal Hall: That's the thing about dying.

[31:53] Brandon Micheal Hall: It takes so long.

[31:56] Vincent Rodriguez III: Hmm.

[31:58] Vincent Rodriguez III: What the fuck are you talking about?

[32:00] Brandon Micheal Hall: We're all dying.

[32:02] Brandon Micheal Hall: Right now.

[32:03] Vincent Rodriguez III: You are?

[32:05] Brandon Micheal Hall: From the minute you're born, you're dying.

[32:07] Brandon Micheal Hall: Life is a complete and total ripoff.

[32:10] Vincent Rodriguez III: Speak for yourself.

[32:11] Vincent Rodriguez III: You just don't want to face up to it because you know you're gonna come back as a rat and get your head caved in by some human.

[32:17] Brandon Micheal Hall: You're going to come back as one of us and have to live with yourself.

[32:20] Vincent Rodriguez III: Norris, that's a really simplistic view of karma.

[32:23] Vincent Rodriguez III: It's not so cut and dried.

[32:24] Brandon Micheal Hall: It's not just 20 years ago I stole a nickel.

[32:27] Vincent Rodriguez III: Hey, where's that nickel I just had?

[32:28] Brandon Micheal Hall: What is it then?

[32:30] Vincent Rodriguez III: Oh master.

[32:32] Vincent Rodriguez III: Well, it's not so totally personal.

[32:35] Vincent Rodriguez III: I mean it is, but it's it's more of a manifestation of the interdependence of all things and all times.

[32:44] Vincent Rodriguez III: It's like if you have a particular karma issue in this life, it might be inherited from a past life, but it also might be from something you're going to do in a future life.

[32:53] Vincent Rodriguez III: And it might be group karma.

[32:55] Vincent Rodriguez III: It might be from somebody else's life altogether.

[32:58] Brandon Micheal Hall: You mean the reason I'm not rich and famous is because somebody else fucked up?

[33:02] Vincent Rodriguez III: Um, possibly.

[33:04] Vincent Rodriguez III: Sort of.

[33:05] Brandon Micheal Hall: Well, who? I have a few things to say to him.

[33:08] Vincent Rodriguez III: See, all planes, all times, everything exists simultaneously.

[33:14] Vincent Rodriguez III: There's just this one moment, and everything is contained in it.

[33:18] Vincent Rodriguez III: Pyramids being built, the crusades, the Beatles playing on Ed Sullivan, you taking a whiz in the bathroom sink.

[33:25] Vincent Rodriguez III: It all happens at the same time.

[33:27] Brandon Micheal Hall: That's why there's really no such thing as death.

[33:30] Vincent Rodriguez III: Tell that to this mouse.

[33:32] Brandon Micheal Hall: It's true.

[33:33] Vincent Rodriguez III: How do you know?

[33:34] Brandon Micheal Hall: I just know it.

[33:36] Vincent Rodriguez III: What? It came to you in a vision?

[33:37] Brandon Micheal Hall: Well, no, but I've read a lot about it and—

[33:37] Vincent Rodriguez III: In other words, you read it in a book, so you know it must be true.

[33:44] Brandon Micheal Hall: Not exactly.

[33:45] Vincent Rodriguez III: Yes, exactly.

[33:45] Vincent Rodriguez III: You really have no more idea than the rest of us.

[33:48] Brandon Micheal Hall: It's something that I believe.

[33:50] Brandon Micheal Hall: Just like I believe coffee tastes better when you drink it out of a ceramic cup.

[33:54] Vincent Rodriguez III: I think it's a little deeper than that.

[33:57] Brandon Micheal Hall: How?

[33:57] Vincent Rodriguez III: You're always so morally superior when the truth is.

[34:00] Vincent Rodriguez III: I am not morally superior.

[34:02] Vincent Rodriguez III: When the truth is you're just as much of a deadbeat low-life scum as anybody else.

[34:08] Brandon Micheal Hall: I never said I wasn't.

[34:09] Vincent Rodriguez III: You do just as much bullshit for the system.

[34:12] Vincent Rodriguez III: You kiss just as much ass.

[34:14] Vincent Rodriguez III: You are just as shallow and greedy and materialistic as any other American.

[34:19] Brandon Micheal Hall: You can meditate, chant, and burn incense all you want.

[34:22] Vincent Rodriguez III: You can pay some asshole to jab needles into your face and another one to analyze every single little thing that's ever happened in your life.

[34:29] Vincent Rodriguez III: But when is the last time you gave your lunch to somebody who was starving?

[34:34] Vincent Rodriguez III: When is the last time you gave your room to some homeless person?

[34:37] Vincent Rodriguez III: When is the last time you gave that fucking designer shirt off your back to somebody who really needed it?

[34:47] Brandon Micheal Hall: Are you like mad at me about something?

[34:50] Vincent Rodriguez III: No.

[34:52] Brandon Micheal Hall: Really?

[34:53] Vincent Rodriguez III: No.

[34:55] Brandon Micheal Hall: Because if you are, let's talk about it.

[34:57] Boyd Gaines: Are you guys gonna do another shot?

[35:00] Brandon Micheal Hall: Are you?

[35:02] Boyd Gaines: Yeah.

[35:04] Brandon Micheal Hall: Binky?

[35:05] Vincent Rodriguez III: No, I can't.

[35:06] Brandon Micheal Hall: Who's stopping you?

[35:08] Vincent Rodriguez III: I have a job interview.

[35:10] Brandon Micheal Hall: Reschedule it.

[35:15] Vincent Rodriguez III: Okay.

[35:16] Brandon Micheal Hall: Wow.

[35:17] Brandon Micheal Hall: Twist your arm.

[35:19] Vincent Rodriguez III: Well, what if I get all dressed up and go into the city, and then this guy doesn't want to hire me?

[35:23] Vincent Rodriguez III: What if I just lose control and kill him?

[35:26] Brandon Micheal Hall: That's already happened once today.

[35:28] Vincent Rodriguez III: Really?

[35:29] Vincent Rodriguez III: Killings like sex.

[35:31] Vincent Rodriguez III: Once you get a taste of it, you just want more.

[35:33] Brandon Micheal Hall: No, I'm only doing the humane thing by staying home.

[35:37] Vincent Rodriguez III: You are so full of shit.

[35:38] Brandon Micheal Hall: Yeah, but Norris.

[35:40] Brandon Micheal Hall: It's natural shit.

[35:42] Boyd Gaines: He starts putting stacks of laundry into his laundry basket.

[35:48] Brandon Micheal Hall: Who refolded my laundry?

[35:50] Vincent Rodriguez III: I just did that one shirt.

[35:52] Brandon Micheal Hall: Why?

[35:54] Vincent Rodriguez III: I don't know.

[35:55] Vincent Rodriguez III: I'll fold it back if you want.

[35:57] Brandon Micheal Hall: No, that's not necessary.

[35:59] Brandon Micheal Hall: You just.

[36:01] Vincent Rodriguez III: You are so weird, Norris.

[36:04] Boyd Gaines: Ford exits with laundry basket.

[36:06] Vincent Rodriguez III: Oh, and you're not.

[36:08] Vincent Rodriguez III: Where are you going?

[36:09] Vincent Rodriguez III: To get my phone.

[36:11] Boyd Gaines: Okay.

[36:11] Boyd Gaines: But don't even think about going to work.

[36:14] Boyd Gaines: He pours a shot and places one in front of Norris.

[36:19] Brandon Micheal Hall: Shit.

[36:20] Brandon Micheal Hall: Where's yours?

[36:21] Boyd Gaines: Ford and I already had one.

[36:23] Boyd Gaines: You have to catch up.

[36:24] Brandon Micheal Hall: Oh god.

[36:25] Boyd Gaines: God can't help you now.

[36:26] Boyd Gaines: This is your karma.

[36:28] Brandon Micheal Hall: Yeah, from somebody else's life.

[36:30] Boyd Gaines: Yours.

[36:31] Boyd Gaines: Pay the piper, dude.

[36:33] Vincent Rodriguez III: Norris drinks the shot and makes a terrible face.

[36:37] Vincent Rodriguez III: Oh god.

[36:38] Vincent Rodriguez III: Oh god.

[36:38] Vincent Rodriguez III: Oh god.

[36:39] Vincent Rodriguez III: My guts are burning.

[36:41] Vincent Rodriguez III: I'm gonna die.

[36:42] Vincent Rodriguez III: I hope you're happy.

[36:43] Brandon Micheal Hall: Oh delirious.

[36:46] Boyd Gaines: Let's do another one.

[36:48] Boyd Gaines: Ford enters with a remote phone.

[36:50] Brandon Micheal Hall: Hunter pours three shots.

[36:53] Brandon Micheal Hall: Yeah, Stuart Shapiro, please.

[36:55] Brandon Micheal Hall: Uh Ford Thompson.

[36:57] Brandon Micheal Hall: Thanks.

[36:59] Brandon Micheal Hall: Only half that much for me.

[37:01] Brandon Micheal Hall: Stuart, hi.

[37:03] Brandon Micheal Hall: Listen, I've run into a little snag.

[37:05] Brandon Micheal Hall: I just finished this big job for another client of mine.

[37:08] Brandon Micheal Hall: It's already closed and shipped, but now they have some last minute changes.

[37:12] Brandon Micheal Hall: I'm serious.

[37:13] Brandon Micheal Hall: We had to literally stop the presses.

[37:16] Brandon Micheal Hall: Oh, it's a mess.

[37:18] Brandon Micheal Hall: But I was wondering if we could reschedule for tomorrow.

[37:22] Brandon Micheal Hall: Oh, you don't mind?

[37:23] Brandon Micheal Hall: Great.

[37:24] Brandon Micheal Hall: I really hate to call you at the last minute, but I want to take care of this myself instead of just letting the printer handle it.

[37:31] Brandon Micheal Hall: They'd probably do fine, but just in case.

[37:34] Brandon Micheal Hall: Everybody's put so much work into it.

[37:36] Brandon Micheal Hall: I want to make sure it gets done right.

[37:39] Brandon Micheal Hall: Well, yeah.

[37:40] Brandon Micheal Hall: It's my job.

[37:43] Brandon Micheal Hall: Okay, listen, thanks for being flexible.

[37:46] Brandon Micheal Hall: What's good for you?

[37:48] Brandon Micheal Hall: Ten o'clock it is.

[37:50] Brandon Micheal Hall: Great.

[37:51] Brandon Micheal Hall: Thanks again.

[37:53] Boyd Gaines: That wasn't so hard now, was it?

[37:55] Brandon Micheal Hall: Nope.

[37:56] Brandon Micheal Hall: Plus, now he knows I'm a go the extra mile, get the job done right, kind of guy, no matter how long it takes.

[38:02] Vincent Rodriguez III: But you're not.

[38:03] Vincent Rodriguez III: I am sort of.

[38:05] Vincent Rodriguez III: You hate to work.

[38:06] Vincent Rodriguez III: I hate to work any more than is absolutely necessary.

[38:10] Vincent Rodriguez III: There's a difference.

[38:12] Boyd Gaines: Okay.

[38:13] Boyd Gaines: Let's do it.

[38:14] Boyd Gaines: What do we drink to?

[38:15] Vincent Rodriguez III: Hmm.

[38:18] Boyd Gaines: The bomb.

[38:20] Vincent Rodriguez III: The bomb.

[38:22] Boyd Gaines: The bomb.

[38:26] Brandon Micheal Hall: Shit.

[38:28] Brandon Micheal Hall: Think we'll ever see one?

[38:30] Vincent Rodriguez III: Ugh, what?

[38:31] Brandon Micheal Hall: Nuclear bomb.

[38:33] Vincent Rodriguez III: I doubt it.

[38:35] Brandon Micheal Hall: Oh, I don't know.

[38:36] Brandon Micheal Hall: Some terrorist group will probably get a hold of one and blow up a city.

[38:41] Vincent Rodriguez III: Do you remember when you first realized when you were a kid that they could blow up the whole world?

[38:47] Brandon Micheal Hall: Yeah.

[38:49] Brandon Micheal Hall: No.

[38:50] Brandon Micheal Hall: I had nightmares about that all the time.

[38:53] Brandon Micheal Hall: I tied my little brother's GI Joe to a Coke bottle full of gasoline and blew it up and told him he'd been nuked.

[39:00] Vincent Rodriguez III: Nice.

[39:01] Vincent Rodriguez III: What does your little brother do now?

[39:03] Brandon Micheal Hall: He works for the IRS.

[39:05] Vincent Rodriguez III: Well, he's obviously paying for your bad karma.

[39:08] Vincent Rodriguez III: I hope you're happy.

[39:09] Brandon Micheal Hall: What happened to the G.I. Joe?

[39:11] Brandon Micheal Hall: He was wasted.

[39:13] Brandon Micheal Hall: His skin melted.

[39:14] Brandon Micheal Hall: You could see all the wires and shit inside him.

[39:17] Brandon Micheal Hall: There was this little box, too, that talked because he was the talking kind.

[39:21] Brandon Micheal Hall: He'd pull his dog tag and he'd say, G.I. Joe reporting for duty, sir.

[39:25] Vincent Rodriguez III: That still worked, actually.

[39:28] Brandon Micheal Hall: See? There is no death.

[39:30] Vincent Rodriguez III: I bet that's why the Japanese are so rich now.

[39:33] Brandon Micheal Hall: What?

[39:34] Vincent Rodriguez III: Well, because they got all the good karma from being blown up by us.

[39:38] Vincent Rodriguez III: We spent all our karma on the bomb.

[39:40] Brandon Micheal Hall: So why is Germany so rich then?

[39:43] Vincent Rodriguez III: They killed a bazillion people.

[39:45] Boyd Gaines: You guys are so off base.

[39:47] Boyd Gaines: I'm telling you, it's all connected.

[39:50] Boyd Gaines: We are all connected.

[39:52] Boyd Gaines: New York telephone.

[39:55] Brandon Micheal Hall: Fuck you.

[39:56] Boyd Gaines: Another round, gentlemen.

[39:58] Brandon Micheal Hall: Oh, why the hell not?

[40:00] Vincent Rodriguez III: Not for me.

[40:01] Boyd Gaines: Binky, you already called in sick.

[40:03] Vincent Rodriguez III: Yeah, but I cannot drink tequila all day.

[40:06] Vincent Rodriguez III: I'm too old.

[40:07] Boyd Gaines: Where are you going?

[40:08] Vincent Rodriguez III: Across the street to spend my karma on a six-pack of beer.

[40:12] Boyd Gaines: What kind?

[40:13] Vincent Rodriguez III: I don't know.

[40:14] Vincent Rodriguez III: Corona?

[40:15] Boyd Gaines: Yuppie beer.

[40:16] Vincent Rodriguez III: Meister Brow, then.

[40:17] Boyd Gaines: Care to contribute?

[40:19] Brandon Micheal Hall: I don't have any karma to spare, man.

[40:21] Vincent Rodriguez III: I understand.

[40:22] Vincent Rodriguez III: Would you get me a Mars bar?

[40:24] Vincent Rodriguez III: I need one for my balanced breakfast.

[40:26] Brandon Micheal Hall: What time is it?

[40:27] Vincent Rodriguez III: 11.

[40:28] Brandon Micheal Hall: Great, just in time for Three's Company.

[40:31] Boyd Gaines: All right.

[40:33] Boyd Gaines: What do we do with this mouse?

[40:38] Vincent Rodriguez III: Throw it away.

[40:40] Boyd Gaines: Ford tosses it in the trash.

[40:43] Boyd Gaines: Norris eyes him.

[40:45] Vincent Rodriguez III: What?

[40:46] Boyd Gaines: I'm not saying a word.

[40:48] Boyd Gaines: For once.

[40:50] Boyd Gaines: Be right back.

[40:52] Boyd Gaines: He exits.

[40:54] Vincent Rodriguez III: I call the Barker Lounger.

[40:55] Brandon Micheal Hall: No way!

[40:56] Vincent Rodriguez III: You had it last night.

[40:57] Brandon Micheal Hall: You snooze you lose.

[40:58] Vincent Rodriguez III: I call the remote, then.

[40:59] Brandon Micheal Hall: No way, you'll make us watch PBS.

[41:01] Vincent Rodriguez III: It's good.

[41:02] Brandon Micheal Hall: It sucks.

[41:03] Vincent Rodriguez III: What's wrong with Three's Company?

[41:05] Brandon Micheal Hall: We gotta get cable.

[41:06] Vincent Rodriguez III: Just another bill you can't pay.

[41:08] Boyd Gaines: They exit.

[41:09] Boyd Gaines: If we had cable, we'll be able to see stupid teenage sex comedies where real tits instead of a poor excuse like Three's Company.

[41:17] Boyd Gaines: If we had cable, before you knew it, we'd have a cleaning person, and then we'd have to get real furniture for them to keep clean, and then somebody would have to get a fax machine, and then we'd all have to get real jobs and go to networking parties and get ulcers and high blood pressure, have to stop eating salt, date women who are smarter than we are, invest in socially irresponsible profit making schemes, get married, get fat, lose our hair, and explode.

[41:39] Boyd Gaines: It's not worth it.

[41:44] Boyd Gaines: Blackout.

[41:52] SAM TSOUTSOUVAS: That was Bachelor Holiday by Alan Ball.

[41:56] SAM TSOUTSOUVAS: Radio Play Revival is conceived and directed by Josh Johnston.

[42:01] SAM TSOUTSOUVAS: This episode was edited by Ryan Schleifman.

[42:04] SAM TSOUTSOUVAS: Casting by David Caparelliotis.

[42:07] SAM TSOUTSOUVAS: Theme music by Joseph Falcon.

[42:10] SAM TSOUTSOUVAS: Their production assistant was Zoe Cameron, and the literary manager was Victoria Ungarsky.

[42:17] SAM TSOUTSOUVAS: Executive producers are Stacy Levine and David Caparelliotis.

[42:22] SAM TSOUTSOUVAS: I'm Sam Chuchevis.

[42:24] SAM TSOUTSOUVAS: Join us again for season two, beginning in January 2023.

[42:31] SAM TSOUTSOUVAS: So, until we meet again, good night and good health.