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[0:00] Mo Brady: You're listening to The Ensemblist, the only podcast that shows you Broadway from the inside out. Welcome, I'm Mo Brady.

[0:21] Mo Brady: So many of us experienced the unexpected in 2020. When the world stopped, we were forced to reckon with who we are outside of a busy life to distract us. That reckoning was most uncomfortable for the busiest among us, who were moving so fast that they had rarely taken the time to stop. Paloma Garcia-Lee was one of the busiest of Broadway artists. A veteran of six main-stem shows, she spent 2019 as an original company member of Moulin Rouge! The Musical, as well as playing a featured role in FX's Fosse/Verdon and playing Graziella in the upcoming Steven Spielberg-helmed feature film of West Side Story. She was running on all cylinders until March 12th. Here, with what happened next, is Paloma Garcia-Lee.

[1:19] Paloma Garcia-Lee: I'm sure we are all eye-rolling about another piece about the ways 2020 has affected us. We're all just sort of a mystery to each other these days. And so I've really been passionate about just being more transparent about my life. And I don't know, life is a rich thing. And I think we are definitely living in a time and an age right now where things are so simplified. We are truly logging on to Instagram and these social media channels and watching highlight reels of people's lives. And we're not seeing the full multidimensional human being there. We're just seeing success after success after success after achievement achievement achievement. Human beings are a mystery to each other. And in this digital age, it's easier than ever to connect, yet somehow we're not always choosing to do that.

Because it's vulnerable. It is. It's vulnerable to say, hey, everything's not perfect all the time. Hey, you know, I am changing and growing and learning, but I'm nervous and I'm feeling vulnerable. And you can ask everyone over at the Ensemblist. I have missed many due dates for this project. And I know in my heart that this is something important for me for some reason. And if this brings peace or comfort or 15 minutes of interesting listening to anyone, then I'll be glad.

[2:57] Paloma Garcia-Lee: Okay, part one. I must admit, I've recorded this so many times and there's so many different versions of it, but I don't know where to start. So I'm just going to start somewhere. So those of you who know me, know that I love to burn the candle on all ends. Just to color in, you know, if you know any bullet points about me, or if you don't, I just want to color in this picture of who I am as a human a little bit more. I just I was born and immersed into the arts, artist parents. I'm a homeschooled only child who ended up going to boarding school and skipped a grade and moved to New York at 17 years old and have spent the last 12 years just beautifully, blissfully immersed in art. I feel like I almost haven't slept in years.

You know, if I wasn't doing double or triple duty, what was I doing? And every minute of my life was just goals, five year goals, year goals, two year goals, five year goals, 10 year goals. Having my career planned out years ahead knowing my next shows, my next projects, my next steps, the next things and, you know, 12 years on Broadway and, you know, six shows later and all of these things. I finally in like 2019 felt like I was hitting this stride that I just have worked my entire life for, you know, and it's the common tale, I've sacrificed everything. There's a quote I love that says exhaust yourself in the glorious pursuit of life. And that always resonated with me that you know, I just loved exhausting myself in this glorious pursuit of the life I wanted, the love I wanted, the art I wanted to make.

I was doing the most I think is what I'm trying to say. And that was coming at a cost, and a cost that was worth it to me. But you know, I was often sick. I mean, I truly existed on bacon, egg and cheeses and coffee. And you know, I've missed every family function, almost my entire life and these things were coming at a cost, but it was a price worth paying. Because it's the life I've always wanted to live and the life I've dedicated myself to since I was young.

[5:09] Paloma Garcia-Lee: Finally, 2019, I'm reaching this point where I'm finally feeling like I'm at the beginning. When the world stopped, that day, the show stopped, everything stopped. I even had the virus at that time too. I tested positive for Coronavirus that week of March 12. I was sick, I was tired, I was injured. There were things to be done and goals to be met. And so when everything stopped, I just I describe it as I kept trying to run on this treadmill that was unplugged. And, of course, I could still I could be taking class, I should be taking dance class from my living room and acting class on camera classes, I can do that on Zoom. And what can I be auditioning for? And I remember doing this audition tape.

You know, and they asked me to film this dance combo from my living room. And my lungs were so shot because I was still sick with the virus. And you know, I was not well enough to send that tape. And when I watched it back, I was like, Oh, that is not right. But then that made me feel like I was I was falling behind. I wasn't doing enough. I wasn't doing enough. What can I do with my days? How much could I fill with that time? Oh, I need to Okay, I'm gonna write I'm gonna write a movie, I'm gonna write a script, and I'm gonna be in class all the time. And, you know, I just kept fighting, fighting and fighting and fighting those first few weeks of this pandemic. And then I hit a wall that forced me to stop.

That forced me to surrender that forced me to look at myself and my life in a completely new light. Part two. Part two starts in the moment of just massive surrender. A few weeks into the pandemic, I had to surrender. And in that place of surrender came such joy. The spring in New York was so beautiful. And I was discovering myself, I felt like I was seeing myself for the first time.

[7:17] Paloma Garcia-Lee: Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin? Like a house of cards? One blow from caving in? Do you ever feel?

[7:31] Paloma Garcia-Lee: It was this juxtaposition of, you know, I was living a block from a hospital at the time. And as I was watching this horror unfold outside of the hospital every day, there was this moment of like devastation coupled with this moment where I was rebuilding and discovering. And for so many of us, I think as the world was crumbling, we were also setting new foundations for ourselves and discovering ourselves. And I got in touch with hobbies of mine that I never had time to do. When I was younger, I briefly was a horseback rider. You know, if I wasn't in the arts, I would definitely be an equestrian. And so I was able to re-engage with this hobby that I love so much and go for these long walks and hikes outside and take myself to the Brooklyn Heights Promenade and watch the sunset and look at the cherry blossom trees as they were blossoming.

And sometimes I would find myself just standing there for 20 minutes in front of a cherry blossom tree, just in awe of the beauty and watching spring unfold. And somehow I felt I was corresponding with spring, like I was blooming in this new way. And I just truly felt like a child, like a child discovering their desires, their passions themselves, alongside this.

[8:46] Paloma Garcia-Lee: You just got to ignite the light and let it shine. Just unbelievable, the beauty. And I had not had time to slow down ever, maybe ever. And my family is still in Pennsylvania, and I was driving out to see them once I was testing negative and being really careful and isolating myself so I wasn't endangering my parents. And spending time with my parents, meeting them again, and having them meet me, adult me. And it's not just at my show or at an opening for something or a premiere of something else or time on the couch, talking with them about my heart and my life and these discoveries I was making with myself and finding places to ride and driving to go hiking and getting outdoors, getting outside.

I feel like I've truly lived my life in a dark theater and how beautiful that that's how my life has gone. But I was just, I would sit outside and I would watch the sunset and I would just cry. I would cry because it was so beautiful. And especially anyone in the theater, I saw a sunset once a week, forever. And I started looking at these plans that I had and this false sense of security I was living my life with. I had to have control of things and that control offered me security and that control offered me safety or happiness. And I was so uncomfortable surrendering. This coincided with a period of great loss, a huge purge of friendships and relationships and things in my life, drifting away and there was grief and loss in that.

But then there was also this welcoming, this new people were coming into my life and new friendships were developing and developing in new ways over FaceTime and writing letters and phone calls and getting this opportunity to make changes in my human, to make changes in how I view the world, how I show up for people, asking for help in ways that I hadn't allowed myself before, showing up vulnerably in a new way.

[11:07] Paloma Garcia-Lee: And it's amazing, it's amazing the things that I've lost in this change and it's amazing the things that I've gained. I shifted my focus to slowly calibrating my life and turning everything in my life towards what was my new north, following my intuition, my solar plexus, these calls of desire. And I started realizing that I realized that I had no control over that timeline anymore. And so in that moment I'm sitting in my apartment in Brooklyn, we have no idea when Broadway's going to be back, we have no idea when the shows are going to return, no one can give an answer, no one knows, we don't know and anyone who pretends to know doesn't know. There was this little ache in me, well I knew I wanted to move to Los Angeles, being bicoastal is my, is my, has always been the goal, the dream, and I was waiting to move to LA until Closer to West Side Story's premiere.

And I realized again I'm waiting on these external forces, there's no reason why I couldn't move to LA right now, there's no reason why I couldn't connect with, start reaching out to people in new ways and start where I was with what I had and knowing that that was enough.

[12:26] Paloma Garcia-Lee: I am truly filled with gratitude for all of the lessons that I'm learning and the time and space and quiet to experience them to the fullest and digest them and process them to the fullest. And just because I'm grateful doesn't mean that these lessons or transitions are easy or simple or joyous. Oftentimes I'm very overwhelmed by the things taking place seemingly outside of my control or this surrender that I haven't practiced before, you know these false senses of control that I thought I had in life, releasing those can be really scary. But where I know that in the past, you know when I was asked what are you going to do next year, five years, ten years from now, I thought I had all the answers to those things.

Now when I'm asked those questions, especially moving forward, the answers just look different. What have I been up to during this time, during this pandemic? A lot of inner work, a lot of work that's invisible that can't be posted on Instagram but it's the most important work of my life thus far and I am now dreaming bigger than ever, my dreams are truly bigger than ever as I enter this news phase in my life, this new phase in my career and you know what I reply to people now is I just can't wait to see how it all unfolds. All I can do is dream and desire and find balance and beauty and follow my intuition and the approach looks different but the dreams are bigger than ever and I truly cannot wait to see what happens next.

[14:05] Mo Brady: Special thanks to Paloma Garcia-Lee for sharing her stories with us today. The Ensemblist was produced today by Jackson Klein and me, Mo Brady. Please rate and review The Ensemblist wherever you listen to podcasts, on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or at bpn.fm, the home of Broadway Podcast Network. Our Patreon members have on-demand access to our full archive, including full conversations with our guests and early access to episodes. You can support us for between $5 and $20 a month at patreon.com slash The Ensemblist. Thanks for listening. Until next time.