This transcript was automatically generated and might contain errors.

[0:00] Patrick Oliver Jones: The life of an actor is one of constant change. We move to a different city, we age into different character types, or the industry itself changes, like a greater reliance on self tapes over in-person auditions. Whatever the reason for the change, it is always up to us to continually adapt and evolve with these changes. Our guest today is certainly no stranger to change. And it shows in her work as she focuses on issues of identity, mental illness, and belonging.

[0:32] Lydia-Renee Darling: Hi, I am Lydia-Renee Darling. You can call me Lyd, originally from Madison, Wisconsin, and living in London. I am an actor producer and own a DEI entertainment marketing company.

[0:42] Patrick Oliver Jones: Lydia Renee is the very definition of a well-rounded multi hyphenate artist. She got her BFA in musical theater from Webster University in St. Louis and a master's in writing for stage and broadcast media from the Royal Central School in London. She's a filmmaker and a playwright and founded her own DEI Entertainment Marketing and Virtual Production Company called Oh My Gosh Creative. She is someone who has both embraced and been challenged by changes throughout her life. And as she shares with us today, she's found them as a motivation to continually better herself as an artist and an individual.

[1:24] Lydia-Renee Darling: Because I was too worried about like fitting this fixed career path, which doesn't even really exist, versus like actually creating my own and manifesting like my own desires and goals. So I'm so thankful I did it.

[1:43] Patrick Oliver Jones: Welcome to another episode of Why I'll Never Make It, an award winning theater podcast. I'm Patrick Oliver Jones, a New York actor and singer, and each week I talk with fellow artists about personal setbacks and professional hardships with lessons we can all learn from. The website is why I'll never make it.com, where you can donate, subscribe, and find past episodes. Again, that's why I'll never make it.com.

[2:21] Patrick Oliver Jones: Welcome, Lydia. It is so good to meet you. So good to have you on here. I'm so glad this podcast is bringing us together. I know it just makes me happy. I know I was saying this before we started, but I love how these like podcast interviews and kind of creative communities online can keep the connection between me and back home. Um so I have creative people all over the world now. It makes me really, really happy, really stoked.

[2:45] Patrick Oliver Jones: Well, I love because you and I, we do have some similar backgrounds. We both grew up in a single parent household, so we share that in common. We both got introduced to the arts at an early age, but for me, it was church choirs and musicals and those kind of things that I got into. But for you, it was YouTube videos and learning to dance. What exactly interested you about dancing so much?

[3:09] Lydia-Renee Darling: Yeah, well, I was a huge fan of like girl groups and like the structure, and I was a really early, early K-pop fan. Um, like 2010, like 11 era, earlier K-pop. Um, and I was just fascinated with what those groups were doing, and there was so much choreography from K-pop groups and also like these great kind of dance crews online and like kind of growing up in that era where you can learn so much online and there was so much happening on YouTube, it just felt like I can do this because why wouldn't I teach myself? And I had always been a fan of kind of teaching myself things and delving into it on my own and kind of these rabbit holes was very much my personality. And so I just started learning street dance and teaching myself.

Um, because you know, we didn't have like a ton of like economic access to you know classes and things in my household. I always loved like music and performing, but never felt like I could do it for whatever reason. And I started getting proficient enough that I when I told my mom I would really like to take dance classes and things, started getting more stable kind of economically in our house and financially. Um, she was like, Okay, let's take you for like I think some trial classes is how it began. Um she was supportive from the get go.

[4:32] Lydia-Renee Darling: Yeah, definitely. And I've been really, really lucky in that aspect. My mom um is a nurse. She has been for like 30, 40 years now. And um, even though she's in the medical field and that's her background, she's always been really excited by me working in the arts because she grew up doing like, you know, musicals at school and like church choir and things like that. And she wanted to also do it, but felt like economically and financially, you know, she also came from an immigrant household and they didn't have a lot of money to make sure she was independent. She didn't feel like she could do it. So I think it excited her to see me take that on and be able to do it. So it's just I have so much gratitude that she was supportive because she sacrificed a lot for me and my sister. And, you know, even though she couldn't make that her life, she she gave it to us, which means a lot.

[5:29] Patrick Oliver Jones: Well, as we get into story number one, we'll actually continue on with that discussion. Because of that single parent immigrant household, you felt a little pressure to succeed, pressure to represent community. What exactly did that mean to you? How did that manifest?

[5:43] Lydia-Renee Darling: Yeah, I mean, it's interesting because it was always this sort of unspoken pressure. And my mom never forced it on me. And neither did my dad. And it was sort of this internalized feeling I got from a lot of messaging around me of like you have to be twice as good as everybody else if you want to get noticed half as much. And I felt a lot of the time like if I was in a room and I was the only like black person there, a black woman or or mixed woman there, I had this burden of like if I say or do something wrong, then someone could stereotype that and make that indicative of all people like me. So I felt this pressure to always kind of be on, you know, quote unquote, to always be performing really high and and to always be like as kind as possible to not be perceived as angry or like ungrateful or aggressive in any way.

And so uh it sort of made me this very high achiever, which I think is a great thing, you know, to be ambitious. But uh for a long, long time it it kind of manifested in in that always-on scenario and not kind of finding periods of rest to say it's okay to not always be working or to feel like you always have something to prove. You can just be um and trust that being with the right people is enough. Um, so it took a long time to kind of work through that, and I think I'm still going to always work through it to a degree, but that's kind of where things are at now, at least in this kind of point.

[7:19] Patrick Oliver Jones: And I would imagine not just, you know, periods of rest, you know, being always on, but all always uh a sense of enjoying it too, because you always have to like watch how you're coming across or just make sure that you're you know doing the best you can at all times so it can be more pressure than enjoyment, I imagine.

[7:37] Lydia-Renee Darling: Right, absolutely. And it becomes this feeling of like, yes, I'm doing this because I love it, but there is this constant feeling when you have to prove something, it does suck the life out of it and and you need that for artistic work to resonate, I think, you know, and it was just kind of draining the soul out of out of that work.

[7:57] Patrick Oliver Jones: Do you feel like performing gave you a chance to, as you say, represent your community?

[8:03] Lydia-Renee Darling: Yeah, I I think it has. I think it's shown that there are so many opportunities now uh that show, you know, black women can be funny, they can be uh gentle, they can be kind, they can be strong, and they can, you know, be angry, and that's also okay too. And I'm lucky to be part of that kind of like tapestry of so many other, you know, performers and creatives with a similar background and show that there are so many different sides of who we are. So I'm really grateful, you know, it's now less of feeling like I have to put on sort of this like perfect acceptable face of what an immigrant biracial person looks like, and instead kind of uh just put on on stage who I am, uh, and to have that be enough.

[8:51] Patrick Oliver Jones: Yeah, as you mentioned, you are biracial and you come from two different uh ancestries and ethnicities. Uh, how have you balanced both of those in your own life?

[9:00] Lydia-Renee Darling: Yeah, I think that's a great question. I mean, it's interesting because a lot of people will look at me and they're like, oh, she's mixed, you know, we're kind of at that place now. I think that's more common and people can tell. But you know, I was raised with my mom. Mom came from Germany and her dad was German and Swedish. So the ancestry there like an immigration on both sides of my family is really recent. But even though I grew up with my mom because my mom was the white parent, I was never really seen as as German, which is interesting because, you know, I am and that's a huge part of my background. But because you know of the color of my skin, I was seen as like more Ghanaian than German.

So I think it's about kind of taking a look inward and and realizing okay people are always going to have a certain lens of how they see you based on their own life experience. So how do you see you? And now I'm much more comfortable kind of embracing both sides and and finding inspiration for my work from both sides and and learning from the history of both sides. I mean I think both countries have incredibly like layered histories that I I'm kind of honored to be the crossover of those two things and be the product of those two things.

[10:11] Patrick Oliver Jones: And as far as the type of performing you like to do as we mentioned you started off in dance but what did it lead you into uh other forms of performing and artistry?

[10:20] Lydia-Renee Darling: Yeah I mean for a for a long time my kind of philosophy was like oh I would love to like launch my own record label and be in like my own girl group. So I really wanted to lean into singing and and like street dance and choreography. But I knew that that kind of like triple threat training for lack of a of a more articulate term was more likely to get me those opportunities. And so I leaned into musical theater and I did show choir and like advanced show choir in high school and would wake up at like 6 a.m.

[10:51] Patrick Oliver Jones: You had advanced. I didn't have advanced show choir.

[10:54] Lydia-Renee Darling: Now, what is advanced from regular show choir?

[10:57] Lydia-Renee Darling: You know, it's just an auditional show. There's the one you can sign up for, and then the one you actually have to be invited into.

[11:07] Patrick Oliver Jones: Right, right, right.

[11:08] Lydia-Renee Darling: And and doing that in high school for like four years, and then the we had like the fall play and the spring musical. But um, I would wake up at like 6 a.m. on a weekday in the Wisconsin winter and like go in and like defrost my car for like 30 minutes and scrape everything off. And then we had to be there by seven because our show choir was before school started, um, because they didn't want to fit it in with regular class schedule because it was advanced show choir.

[11:35] Patrick Oliver Jones: It's advanced, so more commitment.

[11:37] Lydia-Renee Darling: Yeah.

[11:38] Patrick Oliver Jones: Right, right.

[11:38] Lydia-Renee Darling: 6 a.m. Um, and that was kind of like life. And then um I kept leaning into it and I did private viola lessons for a little bit, um, but then transferred into doing voice because I I didn't have an unlimited budget being like a 14 year old from a single parent household. And so you kind of had to choose one to commit. And um, I did that later on, uh, but I was dancing for a long time and then ended up, you know, getting into some musical theater programs and feeling like, okay, this is the best kind of undergraduate training for me is like this more intensive conservatory, so I can get all three of those kind of skills. And I never thought I would be as into acting as I was because my my lean was always toward like dancing and singing, and then got in conservatory and something halfway through, I was like, you know what? Maybe I like straight plays better.

[12:33] Lydia-Renee Darling: It's certainly a lot less work, that's for sure.

[12:36] Patrick Oliver Jones: Oh gosh. And I I think, you know, I I still have heart for musical theater, but I think particularly coming from this very specific lens of like, I want to use musical theater to help me do another type of performance. I was never like married to it in that sense. Like I I kind of wanted to use that as a tool to enable me to do lots of different things.

[13:06] Lydia-Renee Darling: And I think that a lot of musical theater is still a little bit behind in terms of like how we're representing plus-sized people on stage, or you know, how we're representing women on stage and so many musicals still being produced where like women's all-day songs are about loving men and I kind of also wanted to see that culture change.

[13:26] Lydia-Renee Darling: And I felt like straight plays were kind of more accepting and embracing those kind of like nuances and like characterization and representation on stage. So that was a big part of it as well.

[13:37] Lydia-Renee Darling: I also think that when it comes to colleges and the like, most of them are doing shows that exist. They're usually not creating new shows. And I think that, you know, that's gonna be the 40s, 50s, 60s, those types of musicals and shows that are done a lot. You know, those are the ones that I did when I was in high school and college. But I think I would assume as we move forward the next 10, 15, 20 years, that then they'll be going back to more recent ones. We'll they'll start doing Mean Girls. They'll start doing other things that are a bit more contemporary, a bit more representative of the time now.

[14:10] Lydia-Renee Darling: Right. And so I just hope, and do you see it the same way that it's going to be better as we go on because we won't have to be going back to the 40s and 50s every time to do a show.

[14:26] Lydia-Renee Darling: Yeah, I do. And I already feel very encouraged. Like I by the time I kind of graduated and was out of school 2020, I felt like those discussions were only starting to kind of come more to the forefront. And now, even three years later, I think we've made a lot of progress. I mean, it makes me so happy to see K-pop the musical and Strange Loop, which is coming to London, and I'm very pumped about it. Or, you know, here in London, we have a show called For Black Boys Who Have Considered Suicide that was at the Royal Court being picked up for the West End. And, you know, I'm very lucky at Webster, it was just such a supportive killer environment. I'm very lucky to have gone there. And even in our showcase, we were able to choose for more contemporary scenes and ones that were published within the last like five years, which was really fabulous and I think a good shift in direction in terms of being more inclusive and kind of representative of the world we live in, because I think a lot of our work as artists is pushing things forward. And if you're maintaining the status quo, really you're moving backward.

[15:30] Lydia-Renee Darling: It's kind of like inflation. Well, yeah, because I mean, you know, it hasn't just affected obviously the day-to-day necessities of life, but it's affected the arts and what it costs to bring something to the stage. And so I think that in some ways it can be harder to bring edgier, newer stuff because it's so much more risky. There's a smaller audience for it. There's all these things that producers and writers have to think about before they bring something to a more commercial public theater setting.

[15:59] Lydia-Renee Darling: Right, right. And you know, I've seen that here even as well. Like I just associate produced an ACE funded play, so Arts Council England subsidized not commercial theater. But even then, I mean, it was sold out, you know, in the tour we did, and yet there was still this hesitancy in the beginning to pick up the show at a venue because, you know, it's a play of all Southeast Asian women and all female creative team talks a lot about, you know, the stigma of divorce in that culture in the UK and the immigrant experience in the UK. And I think it speaks to those stories in particular being seen as risky. They're seen as a bit more of a liability. And yet, you know, when they are given those resources to succeed, like that ACE funding, I mean, it was sold out, it resonated with so many people who had never seen those stories told on stage.

[16:50] Lydia-Renee Darling: And I think we're kind of in this strange in-between era where a lot of existing IP is just being used over and over again, and not to roast Mission Impossible. But I was like, who asked for this in 2023? Why is this here? Instead of taking these creative risks, I think there's a lot of hesitancy and feeling that you need to kind of rest on what's already been done. But I think that is also a risk, and I would argue bigger risk in terms of like making it resonate with an audience that exists in the here and now.

[17:24] Lydia-Renee Darling: Well, I mean, I think that's one of the big dividing lines between Broadway, West End, that commercial side, and the more off-Broadway regional, you know, that's where the newer stuff that you can be more experimental, you can kind of go edgier and broach subjects that may not have been touched before. And as you said, you were sold out, the shows that you did. And so you can prove once it's proven that these stories and there's an audience that exists for them, then I think they will eventually start to transfer over into commercial. Because I mean, hello, most theater goers are women, so we need to represent them on stage, obviously.

[18:00] Lydia-Renee Darling: Yeah, and that's the thing, isn't it? It's not just like doing the like morally right thing, it's also this is just a good business practice, you know. Like this is a huge chunk of your audience that you're missing out on, you know. Why aren't you reaching out to them and why aren't you prioritizing them? And I think we're having more of those conversations, and that is really encouraging. And I think the fact that it was ACE funded, you know, shows that there is a change, and seeing that there is more importance placed on these stories from funders. And so I think that off-Broadway or regional, you know, these more commercial enterprises is improving. And I'm very optimistic as a human being, but I feel the evidence supports it.

[18:46] Patrick Oliver Jones: The three stories shared in this episode are only part of the conversation. Subscribers get early access to the full interviews with guests, not only including these stories and the final five questions, but audition stories as well. Join Why I'll Never Make It and help support this podcast, as well as learn more about the guests and the lessons they've learned. Go to why I'll never make it.com and click subscribe or find the link in the show notes. And another benefit of being a subscriber, you won't have to listen to any ads either.

[19:27] Patrick Oliver Jones: Well, on to story number two. And in this one, this is where you chose to take an internship in Japan rather than doing a summer stock theater like some of your classmates. Now, Japan sounds like an exciting opportunity, but I'm guessing you were doubting your decision.

[19:43] Lydia-Renee Darling: Yeah, I actually really ruminated and had anxiety over it a lot. Because I always loved travel and coming from a background where there's recent immigration in my family, and I had been, you know, able to travel before, I always felt connected to international communities and wanting to work abroad. And I was also really interested in more of the kind of arts producing side of things and wanted that experience. But I think particularly being in a conservatory environment, it has such advantages. Like it has that very intense training where you know you come out of it and you have this really clean, kind of packaged, ready to go skill set, but it also, you know, made me very much feel like I had to fit a specific box and seeing everyone else kind of go off and do summer stock or go do shows like Grease and you know, Cinderella, it did bring me pause because I was like, am I deviating from this path I'm supposed to be or should be taking?

But instead, I just sort of sat down and I said, Okay, well, you should apply for it anyway, because what if you don't book anything, right? And I ended up getting this internship in Tokyo to work at a record label, and I did like everything from like helping manage artists to helping like run recording studios and like negotiate with brands, and like I still get recommendations from my manager at that company to this day. He's fabulous, and it was such a life-changing experience and I also am a super nerd and went to Japanese language immersion summer camps when I was growing up so it was always a dream to go and finally fulfilled it and yet I still had this doubt and this comparison because I was too worried about like fitting this fixed career path which doesn't even really exist versus like actually creating my own and manifesting like my own desires and goals. So I'm so thankful I did it.

[21:44] Patrick Oliver Jones: And what was the internship for?

[21:46] Lydia-Renee Darling: Um so it was a company called DAG Music and they're still in Japan and it's a great mix of staff from like Japan, the US, UK there's Australians, Kiwis, and it was in Roppongi, which is a very kind of like international business area with a lot of English speakers. So it was a really great mix of all of the work I had been wanting to do and they have both a record label kind of in-house for the founder who does a lot of like voiceover work and singing and then they also represented both Japanese speaking talent in Western audiences for like dubs and the reverse. So English speaking voice talent in Japan who had this specialized skill set. So I got to do everything from like organizing like merch for concerts and setting up the website and like updating people's like talent profiles and listening to audition tapes and it was just a really great kind of deep end foray into everything, like the back end of managing production and representation like that. So I'm so glad I had the experience because it is really paying itself back tenfold now that I'm in the work that I'm in.

[23:02] Patrick Oliver Jones: At the time, like when you, you know, you said you had these doubts once you arrived. Did it soon become evident that you'd made the right decision, or only after did you realize?

[23:11] Lydia-Renee Darling: It was evident so quickly. Like I got there and I was like, why did you even feel like this was a bad idea in the slightest? You're in Japan. Come on, what a once-in-a-lifetime experience. And I met the other interns who were so much fun, mostly US-based interns, but all over the world, not just the country and my company having people from all over the world. It was just like really representative of what I wanted to do with my future long term. And even today, you know, that's one of the reasons I think I love London so much, is the huge international community here, even post-Brexit. So it became evident pretty early that this was the right choice and to lean into what my unique path was instead of this averaged out or watered down version of what everybody else's was.

[24:03] Patrick Oliver Jones: Yeah, now for myself, I lived in Japan for nine months as well. And it was a great experience, but there was definitely a bit of culture shock there. How was that experience for you?

[24:13] Lydia-Renee Darling: I'm gonna say something very wild. I have had worse culture shock in the UK than I ever had in Japan.

[24:20] Patrick Oliver Jones: Interesting.

[24:21] Lydia-Renee Darling: Okay. I think a lot of that is because I, you know, was able to attend these like language immersion camps when I was growing up, and they also immerse you in the culture. So, like you eat only Japanese food, you pay for everything in the camp with yen, like in the summer camp. Your counselors only speak to you in Japanese unless there's an emergency. So you're like fully in it, and I felt very prepared for that. And there were people, the counselors had lived in Japan for years and years and years and years. So they really understood. And so I when I came to Japan, I really kind of blended in very nicely. Because there had been such a long point between when I had attended those programs and when I had landed in Japan, kind of the advice I got, you know, in the program was, you know, people are a little more reserved.

They may be, you know, a little hesitant to talk to you. You know, they have very good manners, you know, as a culture. And it's very true, like the manners are great. Oh my gosh, the subway's beautiful. You could like it's like you could eat off those seats. But I was surprised by how friendly and open people were. And I think that in just that space of a couple of years, things had, you know, changed in a really positive way.

[25:31] Lydia-Renee Darling: And in the UK, I actually found the culture shock worse. I think because it is so close to the US in terms of like language, but just different enough that it feels more jarring. But when I was in Japan, it was so very different. And like switching into that language was so very different that it was easier to kind of flip a switch, like there's a contrast. But here, I think because it's more subtle, I had trouble with it a lot.

[25:58] Lydia-Renee Darling: And so I feel like the culture shock in Japan was really not very intense for me, but in the UK, it definitely took some time.

[26:06] Patrick Oliver Jones: And this subtle, as you called it, this subtle culture shock. What was the hardest thing to get used to in London?

[26:12] Lydia-Renee Darling: You know, I think I love Londoners, they're so wonderful, and they seem like they might be standoffish or not willing to talk to you. But once you talk to them, they start opening up and they're very kind and lovely, but they waffle a lot. And when I was still doing my masters, one of my professors, she's Polish British and her husband's American. And something she was telling me was like, my American students on this course have struggled a lot because in the US, you get feedback like this is what's working, this is what's not, here's what you can try. And in the UK, it's like, oh, well, maybe you could try doing this and like give that a go if you want to. And she described to me, like when she asked her husband to wash the dishes, she specifically said, oh, would you mind doing the washing up? And I was like, that's not the question, though. You have to ask, can you do the dishes? And she's like, that's aggressive. But no, that's the question.

[27:10] Patrick Oliver Jones: No, it's interesting that you talk about that because that was my experience in Japan. You know, as you say, very manner-oriented, but at the same time, saying no was very difficult. It's a lot of maybe a lot of that.

[27:24] Lydia-Renee Darling: Taboo, taboo.

[27:25] Patrick Oliver Jones: Right, right. Exactly. So I was at Tokyo Disney's. So I mean, they were used to an international oath on the audience side, but also the performing side. But at the same time, the management at times will be very like, well, this is how you do it. And then other times would not really want to, they were saying yes a lot, but no was very difficult for them. That's what I found.

[27:46] Lydia-Renee Darling: Yeah, that's so interesting. I think too, like my sampling size is a little different because I worked with so many international people that were more like kind of concrete. But even when I got to meet like Japanese people, it was very upbeat, like excited conversation, like they were interested to meet someone new and someone who had a different perspective. And I think because I didn't experience that so much on like the management side that's part of it, but like being in the UK and having like that management be the ones making those decisions if you will, you realize in those contexts more I think that they really don't like saying hard yeses or no, right they want to cover all the bases.

[28:07] Patrick Oliver Jones: Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. It's so funny. Oh my gosh, but I like I said, I love Londoners.

[28:34] Lydia-Renee Darling: Yeah, I've visited London a couple of times and the UK in general. Yeah, I mean, I can see what you're saying because the language is there, you know, there tends to be it tends to look the same as well look the same as the US that there's a bit more diversity in Japan. Obviously, it's much more Japanese. You see Asian pretty much everywhere. So in Japan, I didn't do the immersive culture, but I'm six three, I'm white, I stand out.

[28:34] Patrick Oliver Jones: You also from your skin tone, you were gonna stand out because I know it on the subway I would get looked at. Did you ever feel like you were kind of standing out as well?

[29:13] Lydia-Renee Darling: It's a great question. You know, I didn't feel I stood out in a negative way in Japan. The place I felt I stood out like a sore thumb was actually Korea because I had spent a little time there like about three months when I was maybe 16 and in Seoul. I had a friend I was doing like language exchange with in Madison where you know she would teach me Korean and I'd teach her English and she ended up just becoming really close with our family. My mom calls her my Korean daughter from a Korean mother and father and I ended up staying with her. And every time I was in Seoul on like public transport, like I actually had someone like take their phone and they were like trying to make it look like they weren't taking a picture of me.

They were taking pictures of me. I was like, ah, and I actually one time got into the bus and I like dropped a receipt. And someone was like trying to like gesture toward me and I was like, huh? And they were like, and they didn't speak. They were just like, like your receipt pointing, right? Oh come suddenly that thank you. Because I spoke Korean, but they were too afraid to speak to me. And my friend had told me like they're they kind of get nervous about speaking English because they feel like they're bad at it, so they just won't speak to you. And I found that so very isolating. But I didn't experience that in Japan. It was mostly like an excited curiosity when like people saw me. And I think also because I'm incredibly short, you know, versus like being six three.

[30:38] Patrick Oliver Jones: I feel like right, right. So is height wise you weren't standing out? You just blended in.

[30:43] Lydia-Renee Darling: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cause I'm like five two. I was just like barely, barely there, basically.

[30:58] Patrick Oliver Jones: Well, for your last story, let's talk about we've already been talking about London a bit, but this was when you first moved to London. Now you were working toward your masters, but you ended up losing your job as a social media manager there while you were there. Now what exactly happened? How did you lose the job? What was going on there?

[31:19] Lydia-Renee Darling: Yeah, well, essentially, I didn't want to do my program, take out more student loans. And although tuition was taken care of, I really wanted to pay my own way in terms of cost of living. And London's such an expensive city, I knew I would have to work. And so I got like a full-time position remote in the US that indicated to me London was fine. Not much long after they were like, you know, we it's actually not. In very simple terms. They were like, yeah, no, we're actually not okay with this. And I had just started to like get set up and get my footing, and like it was really devastating at the time because I had moved over. I had my mattress delivered like a couple hours before I got there.

So when I got there, I would have my bed and everything. Somebody had stolen my mattress off of my porch. My visa took so long to get there that I came the day before I started school. I was sleeping on the floor. I lost my job by like that first day or first week. Like it was it was really emotionally very difficult. I really wish it hadn't happened that way, but I am very fortunate in that I had already been considering freelancing, you know, kind of on the marketing production side for some time. So I ended up launching my company after that, and that's how I ended up supporting myself throughout my master's, and it ended up being more flexible in terms of time for my master's than you know, having a standard nine to five.

So as awful as that was, a masterclass in resilience, let's brand it that way. It ended up ushering in kind of this business and brand that I'm now really, really excited to have and has been a great creative outlet outside of you know acting as well.

[33:11] Patrick Oliver Jones: Well, yeah, I think as artists, especially as actors, we have to be a more well-rounded performer, well-rounded artist in general. And it sounds like for you, that propelled you to be like, well, I have nothing to lose. I'm gonna go out on my own path.

[33:27] Lydia-Renee Darling: Literally. Because I was like, what else can I lose? Like, I'm in a brand new country with no financial support anymore. I have to do something. Like there's no other option. So I did end up taking out student debt. And I'm so glad I did. I felt really guilty about it at the time because it was my goal, you know, to not add on more. But you know, the circumstances changed. And I was like, you know, if you can actually enjoy this experience, I actually had a pro bono meeting with a financial advisor very early on in the pandemic when I had just kind of gotten out of school. And he was like, you know, I don't want you to ever feel like if you take on debt for something that will fulfill you, or you know, for your education, that it is bad debt.

And that was really helpful to reframe. And so that helps me kind of grow the business slowly instead of feeling like if I don't make this work, I can't pay rent, you know, which really helped in terms of like my mental health and just stability while I was in my master's program. And the nature of this work is that it's always going to be more seasonal and project-based. And I feel like having the business now, I know I have something coming in from somewhere, not just financially, but also just on a creative level. I always have something to work on, which has been really, really helpful for someone who is constantly going and going and needs to feel something that has a semblance of control.

[34:50] Patrick Oliver Jones: Well, I mean, it certainly is a sense of control when you can kind of be on your own path, when you can be creating your own businesses as you kind of had to do. But at the same time, there is that kind of look over to your left and right, and you see these other people who are getting cast and they're doing the thing you want to be doing, but you're in your own path. And I'm like, well, I want to be over there. I know for me that comparison can be tough because I see other people on that path I want to be on. But okay, I have to be on this one.

[35:20] Lydia-Renee Darling: Yeah, it is very tough. And I think, you know, I don't think that comparison ever ends because we're human and it's normal. But I think the way to kind of like at least for me to reframe it, because it has been hard at times where I'm like, I moved to London to get this master's and then I lost my job and I can't even act for a year because of this visa. What am I doing? And seeing other people being booked, that was really difficult. And I felt like, am I wasting a year of my life? And then I kind of had to look back at Japan and remember that, you know, when you choose these things that are specific to you and to your passions and your situation, it can only be an improvement because you can look at the highlight reels of someone else's booking process all you want, but it's your life you're living.

So at the end of the day, you have to be happy with it. And I think if I had not moved to London, I would have always wondered what would have happened if I hadn't gone. And that's how I gauge my decisions at this point is if you don't do this, will you always wonder about it? And I knew that with Japan and with London, I would always wonder if I hadn't taken it, if it was the right thing to do, and you kind of just have to make that commitment. And the comparison feels less intense after that.

[36:32] Patrick Oliver Jones: Well, as you were discovering this career path, how did it affect influence your personal path and your own personal growth?

[36:40] Lydia-Renee Darling: Yeah, that's a great question. I mean, I think that I always wanted to sort of touch on multiple creative areas. You know, I'm an actor, and I think that's kind of my core, like my center now is performing, but I've always had this very analytical, organized way of looking at things—over analytical most of the time. I needed to find a way to bring that kind of feeling into my work more, and producing helped me do that because it's a lot of the business side of things that I was good at. And as a person, you know, kind of like I mentioned earlier in conservatory, I often felt like I was kind of in this box where I was not allowed or not encouraged to do those other things. And it's only now that I've kind of embraced those other interests that I feel like A, it's more sustainable, right?

Because you always have something you can be working on or where that's supporting you. There's always this forward momentum. But B, I think there's that quote. It's any talent not used as a burden. I think about that all the time in terms of when I feel like, oh man, maybe I should just be acting, or oh, I should go really hard on just the acting. I'm just reminded of that. That if you don't use these skills or these talents, it's that kind of question of you'll always remember what if I had gone for it. And so I think that's made me feel more secure in my personal life.

[38:10] Patrick Oliver Jones: Thank you so much for joining Why I'll Never Make It. And don't forget, you can become a subscriber and get bonus conversations by going to why I'll never make it.com and click subscribe or just look for the link in the show notes.

[38:26] Patrick Oliver Jones: Well, that about does it for me. I'm your host, Patrick Oliver Jones in charge of writing, editing, and producing this podcast. Background music in this episode is by Blue Dot Sessions and John Bartmann. Be sure to join me next time as we talk more about why I'll never make it.